Day 92. At the risk of making grand, sweeping, and ill-advised statements, chewing now is just something I don’t do. It doesn’t really even cross my mind any more. I was at a BBQ on Saturday and one of the things they had set out to eat was this leafy salad - the kind that looks like there are maple leaves and birch leaves and shit in it. It’s just something I don’t eat. Other people were eating it and liking it just fine, but I figure I’m not a fucking koala bear so I don’t eat it. And no one cares and I don’t care, and that’s kind of all there is to it. And that’s a lot like what chewing has become for me. I just don’t do it. I’m not particularly offended by the sight of it, or by seeing people partake in it. It’s just, for me, I really don’t want a chew any more than I want a mouth full of Arbor Day. I’m not cured, and I occasionally have an acute craving, but it’s generally over quicker than a MN Timberwolves playoff run. Not in a million years did I think I would be sitting here on day 92, much less thinking these thoughts and saying these things. I’ve attempted quits before and made it four days, sometimes maybe five days. Once I made it four weeks. But I always caved. And deep down, I always knew I was going to cave. It was just a matter of when. But this time is much different. It’s different because I had a distraction when I needed it (jumping on here and reading shit, or hitting up chat). It’s different because I am being held accountable this time (daily roll works somehow – still don’t really know how – typing in your name and day so a bunch of strangers will spend .001 seconds reading it – but it does). It is different because I’ve seen myself in a lot of what others have written on this site (I’ve been able to relate to a lot of what has been written – the good and the bad – and that helps somehow). It’s different because maybe I actually wanted it this time. Anyway, I’m talking like it’s over. It’s never over. As heartbreaking as that might seem to someone on day 2 or 3, that’s the way it is. It’s never over. In 8 days I’ll hit the HOF, but I’m far from done. This addiction is something I live with daily. That was something I struggled with early on – just the enormity of it. I remember thinking, “I really have to quit forever?”, and struggling with how I was feeling and wondering how I was going to do this day in and day out. Well in the past sixty days or so it’s sort of turned into, “I get to quit today? And tomorrow? And the next day?” Things are much easier now, and like I said I look forward to quitting every day. It’s a hell of an accomplishment that everyone here should be damn proud of, regardless of what day you might be on. Anyway, there’s day 92 for you bitches.
