So Today is going on my 5th day I have put down dipping. Not any easier than day 3 or 4. I was able to drink alcohol this weekend without dipping. I believe alcohol is one of my triggers that spark an internal debate in my head about why I should be dipping at that moment. I gained 5 pounds already. I can't stop putting gum, candy and food in my mouth. My wife told me that if gaining 10 pounds is a side effect, then you can live with that. "take one step at a time and focus on stopping" , then, "you can focus on your weight gain. I have found that cinnamon gum works the best to sooth the craving for a little while. Anyway, on day 5 and telling everyone I see about it. I just told a co-worker that I'm stopping because I'm 40. Told him that anything after that you are just going against the odds that something will happen to you related to tobacco use. High blood pressure, stoke, cancer, all that stuff. Just ate a half a roll of Mentos* while typing this. OK... back to work.
So, I made it another day. Going on day 6. I would have thought that days 2 and 3 would be the worst days. But hell no! So far day 5 and 6 are the worst. Days 2-3 ...I was bewildered on how great I felt, how much energy I had, how excited it was, now that honey moon is all over. I'm just left with myself now and the boredom of work. Work is when I dipped the most. I have my own office and I'm the boss, so I can get away with snuff in my face all day long. I have three open packs of gum and one Ice Breakers mints to the right of me now. At least my breath is better! I read some stuff on the website about spouses and what they should expect. I really never thought of it, but my wife (12 years) has never known me with out dip. I'm going to be a different person and that excites me. These are all just random thoughts that happened last night or this morning.....Someone just walked into my office and told me that It takes 27 (very specific) days to create a behavior in your brain. I said, cool! I need to make it through the month than and I will be the best gum chewer this side of the Mississippi. Day 6! Here I am!
P.S.
I'ts funny that since I'm announcing my stopping tobacco, everyone else around me is stopping too. Told my mother last night and she immediately said, me too. I think I started a very different MeToo movement.
Day: 7
I realized that I can kiss my wife more and more lately. I don't have to shy away from her just because a have a big fat dip in my lip that I don't want to be crushed between my cheek and gums. Just that simple thought brings me more joy than a dip of tobacco. I'm writing this all down so I can hold on to it. Hold on to the feeling that gets me through some tough times and cravings. Unreal how the mind works! It's like you have to play games with yourself just to distract from the cravings. One side of my brain is saying, everyone caves at one point...so you are only human...you can cave too...no big deal... you can always get back on track after just one more can of tobacco. The other side of my brain is saying...Don't do it! Look at all the things that have changed in your life in just a short period of time....Are you a wimp?! You are not a quitter!....think about your freedom! Its like a clash of the titans in my mind. Anyway day 7 feels like day 6...which was hard. The good news is that I didn't check my pockets this morning for a can of tobacco. Keys, Wallet, Phone, and that's it! No dip check! It's the small things....RIGHT!?
Day: 8
Feel like shit today. It almost feels like day zero for me. I woke up feeling guilty and it was almost like I dipped again. I wonder if I had a dip dream? I need to focus on the good stuff to get me through days like this. My poops are better. I have solid shit now that I stopped. Just opened my wallet and found a coupon for $5.00 of a roll of grizzly. Damn it! My immediate thought was that I can't waste $5.00...then ripped it up on anger. I just realized I'm still signed up for coupons for grizzly. I need to make it stop. Anyway, my dip cheek is almost back to normal. The inside of my cheek is not bleached white from all the dead cells getting slaughter from all that shit I put in my mouth. The skin inside my mouth would fall out in chunks. I have never told this to anyone before. It was my secret. I knew if I told someone that my cheek was falling off one layer at a time and still continued to dip they would loss a little respect for me. BECAUSE IT IS INSANE! Very crabby today. It's almost like I'm mad at myself for forcing myself not to chew. Mad because I'm denying myself. Fucking Crazy Shit Man!???? Positive: My cheek is all better, my poops are better, and I taste food more. Soooooo, I think that's a good win for me today.
P.S. It's been 8 days now...so why does it feel like 8 months? Why do I feel like I should reward myself over only 8 days? I got a sick mind right now.
Day: 9
I threw away a spitter this morning. It was a coffee cup full of my spit on my desk (with lid). I don't know why I kept it there for over a week now. I guess it was a reminder or it was that I wasn't very serious about stopping. I dumped it in the toilet and I vomited in my mouth because of the stench of it all. I dipped in front of anyone and had my spitter in plain sight to all. I realize now that, I was a very disgusting person. People must have really liked my personality in order to put up with that disgusting behavior. Anyway, I feel good day. I'm excited to reach double digits this weekend. My wife is being very supportive with me. She realized last night that she can kiss me anytime she wants and doesn't have to worry about dip. She was talking about french style if you know what I mean? Huba Huba..... Future me, Just remember how hard it has already been and to throw that away and start over would be crazy making.
Day: 12
So now that I'm serious about changing my life for the good. I'm 40 years old. I started dipping when I was a teenager. I would sneak dip from my Grandfather in the beginning and then find older kids to buy some for me. The only time before that I stopped using was when I joined the Marine Corps, but I never had the mindset that I would give it up for good. After Boot Camp I started dipping even more than before. Smoking was taboo in the Marines, but dipping, dipping was well accepted. I chewed Kodiak for years and then switched to Grizzly. I guess I like bears. I chewed until skin would fall out of my lip and cheek. I would chew about a can a day, if not more. At work I would only have about an hour or two that I didn't have dip in my mouth. I was surrounded by old coffee cups with spit in them. The inside of my lip stretched out so much that I have stretch wrinkles....even after 12 days they having gone back to normal. I don't know what happened but over the years it just wasn't ever enough for me. I just kept putting more and more shit in my mouth. I stopped smoking in 2005, and yes I was smoking and dipping...sometimes at the same time. Smoking was easier to stop because I had dip. This was and is hard! Day zero. I bought one can of dip and told myself it was the last. I dipped 3 times, then 2 times.(twice), and then on day zero I just dipped once over the course of 4 days. My name is Ken and I'm on day 12 of being Nic/tobacco free after it controlling my life for 24 years. It feels good!
Day: 13
Not much to say. I have been thinking a lot about my addiction and how it transformed into something more than what it really was. Late last night I had a revelation, something that I could have never admitted to when I was dipping. Here is my secret and most likely others that read this: I used dip as a reward to myself. It used to be that I would dip when I was doing outdoor things or cleaning the house or playing video games or working on something. It was the activity and then the dip. I turned the other way around sometime in my life were it was the dip and then the activity. Meaning, I would just do the activity so I could dip and dipping was the reward for doing the activity. It was a continuous loop of mind fuck games that got me stuck in a 24 year cycle.
I see people writing about freedom on this site. It's not just a thing to say. It's a feeling we feel after we quit!
Day: 22
This is for future Ken...Since last Thursday your mouth was been all jacked up. You were chewing your tongue and cheeks while you slept. You started to get sores inside of your gums...you started to get instant reactions to certain foods that made your cheeks swollen and discolored. A week later everything tastes extremely salty. Your cheeks are discolored. You still have a sore in the inside of your gums. I let you know this because....right now you are miserable. You used tobacco so long that it changed your mouth into something else. Now it is trying to get back to normal...( I hope). I tell you this, future Ken, because you are now realizing how powerful this addiction is and was. It was so powerful that you were hurting your mouth over and over again so much that it changed it, and you never thought twice about it. The addiction wouldn't allow you to think to much about it. You can never go back to that insanity. You are free now and you need to stay free.
To Be Continued...
