Hey fellas, joined the site this past Friday and had my first full day nicotine free on Saturday. I packed my first dip when I was 16 or 17, enjoyed it at the time and bought my first tin probably a week later (Skoal Vanilla). Even as the trips to the convenience store became more frequent, I always told myself that it wouldn't become a habit I couldn't break and that I certainly wouldn't become an addict. Well long story short I'm now 24 and well past the point of even calling it a habit. At college I made the switch from long cut to mint pouches so that I could pack in class with anonymity (complete with the tinted Arizona iced tea bottle as a spitter). I've figured out the optimal dip locations that allow me to pack in front of my coworkers, family, friends, and girlfriend with minimum need to spit.
After multiple failed quit "attempts" (if you can even call them that) in the past, I heard an ad on the radio the other day for Jake's Mint Chew. I must have heard this ad 100 times before, but for some reason or another it really stood out to me this time. I did a Google search and it brought me to this site, where I read some of the reviews for the fake stuff, stumbled onto the forums, and read the story of Tom and Jenny Kern. After reading that, I walked directly into the bathroom and emptied my tin of pouches into the toilet. Of course, one pouch was stuck to the edge of the can, as if it was asking me if I was sure I didn't want just one more dip before I called it quits. I got a sense of pride from flushing that straggler with the rest of them, followed by a feeling of resentment that I let my addiction get to the point where I could feel pride over such an action. If that makes sense.
Anyways, today will mark full day number 5 and it's been a rough go of it, but the physical cravings are gone and now it's purely mental. It's almost as if every action I took pre-quit had a dip that went along with it. I've had the impulse to reach to my back pocket at least once an hour. Getting into the car to drive to the train station. Sitting down on the train. Firing up the computer at work. Pre-lunch. Post-lunch. Waiting for the train home. After dinner. During the game. Post workout. Before bed. And all of this is just during the work week, nevermind the triggers on the weekend.
None of that is really bothering me too much, but what is getting to me is the irritability. The tiniest things will annoy the living shit out of me depending on the time of the day it seems. I think I've been handling it pretty well, as I've been able to not take it out on those around me for the most part. But internalizing things and biting my tongue only makes me more irritated and I don't want any anger to build up and boil over. Which really is the entire reason I'm writing this whole long diatribe in the first place.
So I figure I'll use this as a kind of quit accountability/blowing off steam journal for myself on this never ending journey, but if you took the time to read this whole thing then thank you. I think it'll definitely make it easier to be able to talk with people who can relate to what I'm ranting about.
