Help A Lady Out, Gents?

[cowboysgirl]

sdh23, you are an inspiration, sir. You too, KC Bronco, CoachDoc, looT, kcah, and Wt57. I hope my husband can find his "want to" as you have done, and be writing about his victory to others on this site.

But as a wife (and a new one--we still have a couple months before our first anniversary), it's easy to read some of the cancer stories on here and get scared. Don is some years older than me, going to hit 40 in another couple of years, and I've heard of the Big C claiming men younger than him. I ask myself, how long before the "want to" hits him? Will it take another mouth sore before it finally sinks it? What if "another mouth sore" is something a lot worse?

In other words, I'd like for him to quit ASAP, but I don't know how to urge/encourage him without being "naggish".

For you quitters here with women in your lives, what was the best thing your lady did to help you during your quit?

Again, thank you ever so much for your responses, guys. You're the greatest. ✌

[sdh23]

Hi Kitty,

I dipped for 18 years and tried to quit a few times, but mostly at the begging of my girlfriend -- wife. When that happened, I just hid it from her.

What got me this time was seeing my 5 yr old boy spitting like me. He would try to find an empty can in the house and then spit in it. How would I tell my boy that he shouldn't do something when his father would do it everyday, all the time. How weak of a father or person was I? Am I that weak that I just can't quit something when I want to? To be the person that I wanted to be, I decided that I needed to be a stronger husband, father, person that people could depend on. From that moment on, nobody else, and certain nothing, will have that much control over me.

Anyway, at this point I was still ignorant about my quit. The next day I found KTC while trying to research my quit and KTC is what has kept me quit. I learned what dipping was all about and spent the majority of my first week on this site learning and understanding what I was going thru. It wasn't long before the word "try" was no longer in my vocabulary. 81 days later, here I am.

[Wt57]

Kitty, I echo the comments of my fellow quitters. The main thing I want to emphasize, he will not quit for anyone but himself. Outside motivation helps but it won't make him quit. As a 40 year addict I 'quit' for my wife hundreds of times, I 'quit' for my daughter, I sat with a hunting buddy as he died from oral cancer (it should have motivated me quit but it didn't ). Finally I found my want to quit and couldn't do it. After failing over and over and dealing with terrible depression I stumbled onto KTC and quit. After only 292 days I've seen to many addicts come and profess their desire to quit only to cave and fade away. Why? I assume their want to quit was based more on someone elses want for them to quit.
What Loot said! I suffered from numerous lost teeth, gum grafts but hardly ever skipped a beat!

[loot]

Case in point: A few weeks ago he had this "thing" under his tongue checked out. For a while he was scared and had the motivation to quit for a short period...

That is how I found my inspiration, the exact way you listed. I had a growth and went to the dentist who told me I was going to lose a tooth due to chewing. That was over a year ago, I ended up getting a second opinion and keeping the tooth but to get back to "normal" i don't want to talk about how much I have spent on dental bills due to gum deterioration.

LOOT had a sore throat for several months. Not bad...just persistent. Scared shitless. Quit for like 2 months. Swore and be damned if LOOT got a clean bill of health, dipping was over. Finally went to the ENT, got that clean bill of health. Stopped at the first C-Store. Dumbassedness of the 10th magnitude.

Several years later...same thing. Cept this time...LOOT stayed clean, primarily because of this place. 7.5 years later and LOOT is lickably clean.

Your man won't quit shit until he's good and damned ready. You nagging him about it will do nothing but make it worse. It sucks watching it happen but if you "put your foot down" you won't do anything but make him more of a liar than he already is.

If you can get him here...and he's ready to quit. We can help.

[KC Bronco]

Hello Kitty Kate. I'm 39 years old and a complete chew junkie. 25 years plus I was a slave to the can. I even chewed in the back of church. In other words if I can Quit....Don can Quit too.

I had many reasons to quit. Myself #1 and my family #2. My 40th birthday is coming up in June and I don't want to see friends that I haven't seen in years and have them say to themselves..."I can't believe that Jason STILL chews!!" So I just quit Dec. 1st. No f***ing more!!

He MUST come to this site. He must want to quit. If he doesn't want to quit then he will never quit. I owe my Quit to the guys in my group and the veterans....Good luck! KC Bronco
P.S. I enjoyed reading your post ....there are a lot of dudes in here. Nice to have a woman come in.

[CoachDoc]

I came here thinking I would quit to save my marriage. I was told that I was an idiot and that I had to quit for me. I fought the idea for a long time, but what finally brought me around was that I realized I had two things controlling my life and I was letting both of them have that control - my ex-wife and the can.

What finally made me "find my want" was that I wanted to be in control of my own life. Once I decided to be the controller of my own life, there was never a question of ever dipping again (not to say that it was easy, by any means).

Maybe if he realizes that he is not truly making his own choices but that it is the nicotine making the choices for him, it might help him find the want...

Let me know if I can help in any way.

CoachDoc

[kcah]

Case in point: A few weeks ago he had this "thing" under his tongue checked out. For a while he was scared and had the motivation to quit for a short period...

That is how I found my inspiration, the exact way you listed. I had a growth and went to the dentist who told me I was going to lose a tooth due to chewing. That was over a year ago, I ended up getting a second opinion and keeping the tooth but to get back to "normal" i don't want to talk about how much I have spent on dental bills due to gum deterioration.

[cowboysgirl]

Thanks so much for your replies, irishstuey, Bruce, SirDerek, 30yrAddict, vh5150, Sharksky, Adigg, Syndrome, jhaenel23. I can't tell you how reassuring it is to hear that similar guys have gone through this process of "finding the want". I really appreciate you sharing your personal experiences--and congratulations on your successes! I know now--not directly, but by watching Don suffer--just how difficult it is to quit the can... Four days can seem like a lifetime, and y'all have been quit for years! That's awesome! (I hope my husband will be inspired.)

Honestly, I never imagined quitting would be so hard. I've never been addicted to any drug, so it's very difficult for me trying to help Don through the rough spots. I'm afraid I sound like a goody two-shoes when I try to support him, or just really ineffective. I do need to get him on the Live Chat. If he only knew how many guys just like him have conquered this addiction, maybe he'd finally start seeing the light.

The most worrisome thing for me is how long I'm going to have to wait before Don decides to try to quit again. Every time I watch him take a dip I just get depressed. His health, his freedom, his money... Just spat out on the ground. I know it's something that has to be done on his terms in his times, but what if he waits too long?

Case in point: A few weeks ago he had this "thing" under his tongue checked out. For a while he was scared and had the motivation to quit for a short period... But as soon as he found out it wasn't cancer, he was back to dipping as usual. It's like even the fear of cancer can't get him off the can. (At least yet. I don't know if he read the Tom and Jenny Kern Story, Syndrome, but I've read a bit of it... Fueled some fears for me, definitely.)

But you guys are great. Thank you so much. I'll steer him toward the Live Chat. He really does need some positive support and inspiration. The other guys on the ranch do NOT help him during his quits--they tease and taunt him with snuff, and make it just as miserable as possible for him... And one of the guys has been quit for years! How crappy can you get!?

Please keep the replies coming! Tell me about how you found the desire to quit! :)

[jhaenel23]

Hi, guys. I'm the wife of a dipper who's desperately trying to quit. He's been to this site many times in the past several months, even bought some Bac-Off based on other guys' recommendations, but he never joined the forums... so I did. I'm looking for some advice and maybe you fellas can help.

Don was doing so well. He had gone 16 days without a dip (his previous record was only 4 days). I thought he was truly beating this thing... Then yesterday he bummed a dip off of a co-worker (he's a cowboy by trade, and they all partake of some form of tobacco out on the ranch). Yeah. Not-happy-wifey.

I've read the Spousal Support, and I realize that my husband must first WANT TO quit in order to be free of the can... But the problem is he doesn't have the "want", and I'm afraid he never will. So is he.

He knows he needs to quit, that it's bad for his health and expensive and enslaving him, but he truly doesn't want to quit. He likes it too much. No matter how gross or humiliating or expensive or harmful it is, he still wants it. He's complained many times that everyone else wants him to quit except him.

The snuff has such a strong hold over him that it overrides everything else... It's like he can live without basic necessities--a home, good food, even me--but he HAS to have that snuff. He'd live in a shack and eat potatoes as long as he doesn't have to give up his Skoal. He can't seem to see (or care) how pathetic and weak his addiction makes him. He really is like Gollum from Lord of the Rings. He needs his "precious". I get so angry at him... It's like he has no sense of pride or personal dignity.

He got a raise recently, and even though he was quit at the time, he started "joking" about how now we can afford to buy his snuff. It's all he can think about! He's chewed gum until his mouth and tongue were blistered, the Bac-Off just makes him miss the real thing (he says), and I'm getting tired of him constantly needling me to "give him permission" to dip.

Guys, how did you find the "want to" that helped you decide to quit? I know Don can beat this thing once he find his "want", but he just can't find it. In some ways, I think he doesn't want to find it, because that would mean giving up his "precious". It's quite sad, really.

What do I have to do? I have been supportive, congratulating him and praising his efforts, I have been firm but forgiving when he backslides, but I'm beginning to seriously want to kick his ass. Don's even wished it were possible of beating the addiction out of him.

How can I help him? What can I do? I have led him to water, but he's not drinking (to use a metaphor). I know that nobody but Don can make Don drink that water, but if I don't keep him near that waterhole (i.e., frowning on his dipping, urging him to quit), he's going to wander off into the wilderness of Skoalville and never be heard from again. "Out of sight, out of mind", as the saying goes. As long as I'm not on him about quitting, he won't try. ARGH! 'bang head'

Don is not a selfish, greedy, bratty person. But this addiction has turned him into giant ass who only cares about himself, and satisfying his addiction.

Ugh. Sorry for the long-winded chick-post. Any advice (except divorce) is appreciated.

~Kitty Kate

These guys have all hit the nail on the head. As frustrating as it will be for you, he has to quit on his own. As an addict, we do things that seem very out of charecter and you need to realize that it is not him. I was on the can for nearly 18 years so I understand and can completely relate to your Husbands situation. I put chewing in front of my wife (Now Ex), My family, friends all came in 2nd to getting a fix. I can also only imagine the amount of pressure he gets from his co-workers. I started chewing when I started playing College Baseball. Why?? Because everyone was doing it. He will have to wrestle those triggers also. I wasnt sure I wanted to quit when I joined this site 88 days ago, but I can tell you that thank God I was able to see a good thing and an avenue to finally beat this addiction. All long term users deep down inside hate the addiction. The problem is that they dont see a clear way to quit. The best way is the band aid method. Mind you, it is a big friggin band aid!! Cold Turkey and use of this site!! I look forward to being here for your husband when he comes to quit!!

[syndrome]

hay there kitty. i dont no if you have kids or not but if you do i would definitely make him read the tom and jenny kern story.

i came here cuz i was ready to quit (i found my want in the $ it was costin me.) but if i was just diggin around and found that story i would quit on the spot. and i will honestly tell you - i have been here more than 4 years and i've yet to be able to read the entire story. and i would never, ever want my wife and kids to have to write those things.

[Adigg]

When I did finally decide to "give it a try" with this site, I still had not "decided" to quit, I was merely trying again... like I had so many times over my 33 years of using nicotine.  It was after a few days here that I realized if all these folks could do this, I could too. It was at that point that I closed the door on nicotine.

Similar story. I wasn't sure I was completely ready to never have another dip again. The thought of that stuck in my head for the first 10 days. Then something finally clicked and from all the reading and support from this site I realized I was lieing to myself. This site taught me that I am addict and I can control my addiction. I know now that I can never have nicotine ever again.

My wife was the catalyst for me being here (albeit not directly), I used her and my daughter as motivation. But the reason I am quit today is because of me. I think getting him in Live Chat is a good idea, but maybe even have him post his own introduction. In the 68 days I have seen many folks come in with the 'I love dipping' attitude only to have sense knocked into him by some very persuasive vets.

In reality, I truly now believe no one actually enjoys dipping, they are just addicts. Why would you enjoy something that increases your risk of dieing a slow painful death?

Looking back, the only dip I ever physically enjoyed was that first one. All the rest was my addicted brain chasing that feeling.

Do I think you can talk your husband into quitting? No, but you can push him towards making sense of his addiction by using resources like KTC. He might get it right away, might take him months or even years or maybe never. Time will tell.

[Sharsky]

Kitty...

I actually found my "want to" just by lurking on this site, reading the HoF speeches, Words of Wisdom, and Intros. Long story short, I was looking for my 'want to' for quite awhile. Wasn't able to find it, until I found this site. Seriously, just browsing and reading all these stories finally got me pissed off enuf at nicotine to get it out of my life. Live chat im sure can help as well, just know that solely reading is what got me to 'want' to quit. If he's already been on here reading in the past, maybe gently urge him to read up some more.

But, like you know, do it gently. Gotta be the addict's decision.

[vh5150]

I would have to agree with 30yr addict. I couldn't quit until I found my "want to". I had tried over the years. I had dipped for 20 years. My wife had griped at me, my parents had stayed on me since they found out, my children had even started getting on to me. I would lie and tell them I would quit tomorrow or I would quit on my birthday, or I would quit on New Year's. Yadda, yadda, yadda, you know the excuses. I had long since got tired of it. I was tired of the taste, I was tired of the spitcans, I was tired of the tobacco granules around where I sat at work and in my car. But I wasn't tired enough to quit. Even when my old friend Copenhagen got too expensive, I would jump down to a lower priced product. But here's what got me to the quitting point.

I had went to hunting camp with my family. I had an uncle who had quit smoking just a few years before. Everytime he would see me he would tell me I needed to quit that crap. Everytime I would just dimiss what he would say. Until this year. His message was receptive this time. I figured if he could quit after 30+ years of smoking, I could do the same. So the same day I killed my 8 point buck was the day I quit. I even named him Snuffy.


Another thing that got to working on me during this time was that my mother's only brother, my favorite uncle had died suddenly from an infection. He was 51 years old. He left behind his wife, an 8 year old son and a 4 year old daughter. They were totally devistated. This got me to thinking about my own children (who weren't much older than my uncle's) and my wife. I didn't want to leave them and more importantly I didn't want them to go thru what my uncle's wife did. But ultimately, I didn't want to die. And I realized if I continued dipping that would happen sooner than later. You see, I am a cancer survivor. I had been free of Leukemia for 30 years that year I quit. And here I was taking a chance with it again.

I went out, bought fake stuff, candy gum and decided to quit right then and there. The nic wasn't getting anymore of my time, my health and my money. Basically, I just had to get mad at that crap I was putting in my body. Instead of getting mad at my family when they asked about it, I turned that anger around. It will be 3 years in February and I still fight it. But I'm winning.

[30yraddict]

cowboysgirl,

Not sure I can help you at all, but I will answer: "how did you find the "want to" that helped you decide to quit?"

I wanted to quit for years. I was pissed at myself that I could not, that I would not. I found this site when searching for fake dip... at the time my brother had been diagnosed with throat cancer a few months prior.. and another person that I went to high school with had been fighting throat/esophogeal cancer for a few years... dunno if those things hit close enough to home to influence my decision, but I'm pretty sure they were a factor.

When I did finally decide to "give it a try" with this site, I still had not "decided" to quit, I was merely trying again... like I had so many times over my 33 years of using nicotine. It was after a few days here that I realized if all these folks could do this, I could too. It was at that point that I closed the door on nicotine.

I can certainly relate to your husband. I understand his thinking perfectly... that was ME for 33 years. I did not quit until I was ready... no amount of outside influence could make that happen - it had to happen from within ME. And so it is with your husband.... Be supportive of HIM as a person, separate the addict, and don't take the addiction personally. Do your best to make sure he knows that each day with you is a blessing....It is likely that there will come a time when HE decides that he is ready to quit for himself. When that happens, we are here and we will help him understand his addiction and help him overcome it - one day at a time.

[SirDerek]

Miss Kitty,

you are absolutely right in what you have read. When a person quits they have to be as selfish as they can be and do it for themself. Cause if it is in any way attached to someone else, they will always go back to the can in times when there is resentment towards that person.

Make sure he keeps reading the stories on the site here, and try to get him to jump into the Live Chat some evening. There is no way we can quit for him but maybe by hearing those of us who have been through it and can/will be there for him when he wants it, can help him make up his own mind.

What made my mind snap on July 2nd and had me throw away the can was the fear of my own health. I had high blood pressure for which I had been taking medication for to treat it for close to 10 years. And I just got tired of it and actually started to get disgusted with myself for what I was doing to my body (and of course then secondly how it was affecting my family).

Just don't push too hard. All the best.