I appreciate all the recent discussion about closet dipping. I thought I would come write something here that I could read in the future when I start thinking I can treat myself to just one in the duck blind or one a long drive.
My wife knew I dipped when I was away from her, so I never outright lied and said I had quit when I was still shoving a can or so of shit in my mouth at work every day. Vacations were always interesting. A couple of times, I intentionally hopped on a plane with no dip knowing that I wouldn't be able to buy any because she would always be around. No intention of quitting, just telling myself it would make this week more pleasant for all if I just went without. I'd go a week without nicotine, but first moment away upon return and I'd be back to the can. As you all know, it's easy (at least less difficult) to go without when you know you are going to get your fix later. Stupid that I didn't use those opportunities to quit. I guess that's why the day to day thing works. It's a scary-drop to your knees with tremors-feeling to think you will never have a another dip.
In any event, I told her when we got married that I would no longer dip in front of her. It sounded good at the time. I was still going to dip, but I "respected" her enough not to do it in front of her. It wasn't long before I was looking for opportunities to be away from her. Amazing that you can love someone, but still love the can so much that you would drive around the block a few times or stay up late when you were dog ass tired just to catch that last dip. Never mind the constant attempts to figure out something we needed from the store so I could make a quick trip or the 30 minute dumps. Most people hate the thought of forgetting that one ingredient and having to go back to the store. There were many weekends where I celebrated same with a passion that I doubt some super bowl mvps have experienced.
Forgive me while I talk directly to myself: Gmann, if you're back here thinking that you have earned just one, you are the stupidest mf'ing addict on the planet. You quit so that you could cast away the false hope the can provided. The can never fully satisfied you. The bitch simply teased you for 15 years while it took your money and tried to destroy your health and happiness. The can hasn't done a damn thing for you all these years and your health and marriage have only improved because of the quit. Don't be a f'ing moron.
