First I want to express my gratitude, and pure amazement of the KTC Community. I really can't believe something like this exists. You all have my respect for being so supportive of each other, and dedicated to quitting each and every day.
My story is very similar to so many other that are here. I started dipping when I was 16. I grew up in a a hick town where it wasn't a big deal to dip. My dad has dipped Cope Snuff since he was 14, so it seemed like a natural thing to do. My coaches dipped. My teammates dipped. My teachers dipped. Hell, we even got a few of the hot girls in high school to take a dip.
I remember being 16 and somehow loving the feeling of staying up late in my room after everyone had gone to bed (before my dad knew I was dipping) and putting in a dip and listening to music, and working on a puzzle. Ya, a puzzle. It could've been anything in the world, though. It was this alone time with my dip that would be the thing I would stay so connected to for the next 17 years.
Later in college I realized that dipping in front of other people wasn't cool. So, I made sure it was something I did while driving, or studying in my dorm room. I began competitive bodybuilding, which includes 16 weeks of dieting leading up to a competition. If I wasn't eating tuna and broccoli, I had a dip in, or 3 sticks of Extra gum.
Around 20 years old I really got into Jesus. For the first time I realized I didn't want to be a slave to anything. This was the first time I tried to quit. I through my can out at a gas station, and thought, "wow, I can't believe this is happening. This is so incredible. I'm free!" Ya right. This was where guilt and shame entered the game, and excuses. This is where I started buying cans of chew at night, throwing them away in the morning, and digging them out of the dumpster later in the day. This is when I switched from Cope LC to Longhorn or Grizz. It was easier to throw away a $2 can than a $5 can.
I played the drums in a band in college, and I would love to go to the church where my drums were at night when everyone was gone, put it in a dip, and play for a hour or two. Again, this escaping everyone and having a chill out time with my dip was the thing I kept chasing after. I would be fine without any nicotine the entire day...but going to bed without that dip was just too much for me.
I did manage to not dip for a few weeks, and even a few months here and there. It was always torture, and I always found a reason to go get a can. I would lie to myself and say, "just tonight, and then I'll be done with it again." That never happened. I would buy a can, and then binge dip like it was a long lost girlfriend and we were making up for lost time.
After meeting my wife I tried to open up to her about my addiction. She didn't really understand. She tried to play long and understand my struggle. But she didn't. I never, ever dipped in front of her. We've been married almost 10 years. I was always sneaking away to dip. Or if we were on vacation I would buy some cigars or cigarettes.
Fast forward through so many major events... getting married, having children, working 60-80 hrs a week for two years, and opening up my own personal training gym. Dipping was always there. And worse. Sneaking away to dip was always there. Needing to go back to work to finish some paper work, scheduling my personal training clients around the times my wife would be at work, not leaving with my family early on a weekend trip, encouraging my wife to go to Girls Night Out with her friends, late night fishing with a buddy, and all kinds of other stupid excuses....all so I could get a dip in.
As far back as I can remember now, my addiction to nicotine has played a role in my life, and got in the way of me living the life that I know I can. DonÂ’t get me wrong, I have a great lifeÂ…all the things someone would want: hot wife, beautiful, healthy children, a successful business, good health, great friends, a house, and I live in a mountain town that other people come to go on vacation. I have yet to truly appreciate all of these things because of this dark, consuming desire to sneak away for a hour of alone time with dip.
I have gone over 4 days without dipping plenty of times in the past, at least once a year, but this time feels so different. Today is my Day 5. I don't feel like IÂ’m just trying to hold on for one more day, as much as I feel like this is my new forever. The connection I feel to the KTC Community honestly surprised me. I know I can stay Quit with this kind of support, this kind of understanding, this kind of commitment to helping others stay quit, this kind of brotherhood.
IQWYT!
Jesse
