Author Topic: Hidden Perceptions of an Addict  (Read 1240 times)

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Offline Ready

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Re: Hidden Perceptions of an Addict
« Reply #6 on: January 29, 2009, 08:41:00 PM »
Quote
Out of the blue one day I was ready


You and I both.

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Offline Kdip

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Re: Hidden Perceptions of an Addict
« Reply #5 on: January 29, 2009, 12:29:00 PM »
Welcome Kangy. Your story is very similar to mine, copenhagen too. Going undergroud with it almost cost me my marriage. I wish I had had my falling out with that shit earlier in life. Hang on for the ride. Quitting isn't easy or fun, BUT it is WELL worth it. 149 days ago I thought NO WAY but I did it and you can too a day at a time. Stay close to this site. PM if you need an emergency phone #.

Offline Ricko

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Re: Hidden Perceptions of an Addict
« Reply #4 on: January 29, 2009, 12:00:00 PM »
What a strory, you will make it now becuase you have mentally prepared yourself for all this crap. Stay close to the sight and be ready for the monster at any time. Be well

Offline animal5473

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Re: Hidden Perceptions of an Addict
« Reply #3 on: January 29, 2009, 11:26:00 AM »
Welcom Kangy, come over to the May group and start posting roll. Add your name to the list. Read the posts see what others just like you have gone thru before. Read the HOF speeches. Get to know us. Also this site is about accountablity. You gather telephone numbers from anyone you can. Use these numbers. Contact them when you are struggling need to vent etc. Text them do whatever it takes. Just pm any of us. Our numbers are yours. If you want mine you are more than welcome to it. Just send me a PM.

Welcome to the best thing you've ever done.

Dean
WAS chewing for 25yrs. I quit forever now. I've beat drinking I have beat this. Time for the next level of my life. 100 days and counting, 1 day at a time that's all I expect. Pay it forward and no one left behind, PERIOD.

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Offline Kangy

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Re: Hidden Perceptions of an Addict
« Reply #2 on: January 29, 2009, 11:21:00 AM »
I awoke today in a daze at the alarm going off. Was it 6:30 already? I had slept barely a wink last night.

Day 1, you know it doesn't matter how many times we have tried before, or gone the same length of time without a dip, it never get's any easier. In fact it appears to only get harder.
The first day I had braced myself for, awaiting the monster that I was going to unleash, hoping to be strong enough to contain him with minimal destruction to the world outside of my addiction.
Surprising though was the first day, the anger was controllable, in fact the rising irritability that I could feel was on hold. Hiding beneath the surface of a calm, blurry exterior. I could feel the demon scratching at the surface from within; situations that would normally trigger a dip or an out lash were subdued. What the hell is this I thought to myself, I am calmer than before. It was as if the terrible agony had overloaded my brain and I had shut down. Most of the day at work was spent reading or blanking out while reading information and quitting. I was waiting quietly for the monster to break free. But no. I had made it.

I remember reading about the fog, but on day one, was surprising to me. I actually had felt more in control than ever before, but had a nagging fear of knowing the control was a false security blanket, I told myself, it can't be like this, I can't control it, why am I not freaking out right now. It can't be this easy, why did it take this long for me to do this, everyone is right, it's not that hard.
But that is when I realized that it is hard, I had spent an entire day completely obsessed about not putting some nasty shit in my lip. It took every ounce of energy I had not to dip, I was a man obsessed.

I could not sleep, I tossed and turned all night long

This morning the first thought upon waking up was "where is my can" then the zipper on my riding jacket broke (this event would of normally triggered a few profanities along with a double size stuffing of shit in my lip) but this morning instead, I just stopped, held the broken zipper in my hand, and stopped, became blank, took two deep breaths and continued on with getting ready. I had done it, I had controlled an outrage, on the surface I was calm and in control.
But on the inside I was being ripped apart, my mind going in all directions, spinning out of control. But I thought to myself, I have survived worse, if I can just keep the monster in control I will get through this. I can do this. It can be done.
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Offline Kangy

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Hidden Perceptions of an Addict
« on: January 29, 2009, 11:01:00 AM »
The road has come to an end. But then again it has only begun. As the end approached I feared the beginning of the new road that life is bringing.
The familiar crutch that I trusted so. I have no way of knowing to where I should go. This is real now No more hiding from it. Time to face the road and make the best of it. The advice I've gotten and the lessons learned I hope have some value on the road made of turns.

My name is 'Kangy', I am 25 years old and have been dipping Copenhagen long cut for 7 years now. On average about 4-6 cans a week. The only time I have actually stopped was for 3 months in Marine Corps boot camp. Why I started back up the day I graduated I have no idea. But it stuck with me, controlling my life. If I wasn't eating, drinking, or sleeping, I either had a dip in my lip or was counting down the moments until I could put another one in. It was who I was, it was part of me. It wasn't just a habit, it had become a required routine. First thought upon waking up was "where is my can", and in that state of mind I remained until taking out the last dip before bed.

It caused problems with my wife, (fiancé at the time), when I hid it from her after promising to quit. I was so embarrassed that I had failed I couldn't tell her, so the addiction took over and I hid it from her, I almost lost the love of my life over the can. But no fucking more will I be controlled by Copenhagen. I have told myself time and time again; usually while buying a fresh can "this is my last one" I'd promise myself. But before that can would even run dry I would be in line at the gas station so heaven forbid I got caught off guard by an empty can. I spent 3 years away from family in friends overseas while serving my country; I made it through boot camp, combat training, multiple survival schools, pow training, and more. How can I make it through all of that and still have the first thought in my mind be "where's my can I need a dip"

People, even family and friends, they say they don't understand, why is it that hard. I don't know the answer to that, I don't, It shouldn't be that hard, but it is and it is killing me knowing that there is one thing that I have no control over, that is not me, but yet, that is who I had become, A slave to the can.

I had added up the costs I had spent and what I could save. After all I have a baby on the way, and all that did was make me more pissed at myself, which made me crave the sensation of nicotine even more. I had become a monster; I knew I couldn't dip forever. I read all the warnings, heard all the lectures, I knew it was wrong, I knew it was bad, I knew it would kill me, But why, knowing I could die was that not enough to stop.

Out of the blue one day I was ready, why after everything, reading, knowing, being told, seeing the repercussions of my actions, was I never ready before. I don't have an answer to that, and don't know that I ever will. But I knew at that moment that I was ready for a change. It surprised my wife when I told her, she smiled, but it was more of an uneasy smile. I told her it was time, she asked why and I told her I do not know, but I do know it is time. I dumped the rest of the can that night after she went to bed. I had to do it on my own, for me, I told her. I left her the empty can with a note saying I love you, I will need you help with this.

And that was two days ago on the 27th.
Free since January 28th, 2009