Last night was the closest I've been to caving in my 497 days of quit. It was after 3am and no one was awake although I'm sure if I would've called someone they would've answered me.
Here's the back story:
I like many other people have an addictive personality some of those addictions are good fishing, volunteer firefighting and others are not so good gambling, alcohol copious amounts most nights. I've struggled with this shit for many years the amount of money I've wasted on alcohol and scratch off tickets is sickening to say the least. I have an extremely stressful roller coaster job as I'm sure most of you know. All this has been building long before I quit chewing tobacco. I've been distant and at times verbally abusive to my wife. I didn't see it until last night when she asked me if we were breaking up and she didn't want the kids to suffer. I was sitting at work when this went down so I'm trying to keep my composure so I can do my job while I'm screaming on the inside. She was pretty serious about divorce and was worried about the kids and what was going to happen. I got off at 3am came home and she was asleep so I went to the one thing I knew would comfort me in my time of desperation. I hit the booze pretty hard, debated on eating a bullet, or buying a can of chew. If I'm going to lose my family then fuck it I might as well start dipping again why does it matter. I sat in my car buzzed fighting this monster in my head. She was a tough bastard and I decided to live my life without Nicotine like I promised. I know I'm well liked here and respected by tons of quitters. It feels good to be looked up to and I take pride in that, but last night I have no clue what stopped me from driving to the c store divine intervention hell I don't know. I was ready to throw all that away all of the work all of the relationships I've built here just like that.
I'm turning a new leaf today somehow I'm going to be a better husband and Father. I don't know where this road leads since I refused to travel it for so long, but I have to strap in and just ride it out. I talked to the wife today and I've believe all is well for the time being, but I'm on thin ice and if it breaks I'm surely drowning.
Ashleylynn, Carl and koolaid thank you for your kind words today you guys kept me sane and I don't think you know it. I would do anything for any of the Samurai and I appreciate the support I get when I'm down and out.
