I find this odd and frustrating....
A year ago on Memoria Day I vividly remember sitting at my Moms house writhing in fear, anxiety and sheer restlessness.
I had just come off having a panic attack after finding a bump on my lip that I thought was cancer. It wasn't but the horrid memory of that panic attack and the thoughts associated with it took me from the couch at my Moms back to a Memorial Day trip to the ER. I literally didn't know what to do, I thought I was dieing.
Fast forward to today.  The vividness of that day is really messing with me right now, as we are headed over to my moms once again for a Memorial Day party.Â
I am filled with fear and anxiety that I have not felt in months. Why?  That stuff was a year ago. I've come so far since then. What the hell am I so afraid of? I simply don't get it.
Has this ever happened to anyone else at this point in their quit?
Its like I'm an accident victim returning to the scene of a tragic accident. Shouldn't I be over this crud by now? I talk tough yet here I am getting slapped around still. Hell, my wife had to give me a pep talk just to get me out of bed today. I've done great things and cleared many hurdles this past 357 days. This should not be fucking with me.
What am I afraid of? Dipping again? No, hasn't really crossed my mind. Having another panic attack? Possibly but what the hell for? Plus I have meds to help with that. That like last year, I'm going to go through hell again this summer and this was the event that triggered it? If I made it through last summer I can make it through anything.
So what to do???? Well, I'm just going to keep pushing forward. Gonna load up the cooler and the kids (and the anti anxiety meds) and just fucking try and roll over yet another bump of SHIT in the road.
It really grinds my ass to feel this way. But it is what it is, I guess. Ill get tthrough it, just shocked to feel this way. Some odd shit, that's for sure.
Thanks for listening and have a great memorial day everyone.
Diesel my friend you have done exactly what you should by posting that up in here. We are humans and like you mention going back to the events in our past, the sites/sounds/looks, it make us what and who we are as it is totally normal.
What today and this weekend should then hold is for you and the family to create a new experience. Take a deep breath and make it the best that you can remember, make it all new so that this is the one you can then look back upon.
You can do this and I will celebrate it with you as well at +1.
You have got this 100%. Have fun.
Diesel you are a very big part of my quit even though we haven't conversed that much directly.I still read "tending my garden" weekly just to keep me grounded in my quit. Your words are like magical daggers to some, but it is always out of concern and there overall well being.One thing I know for a fact Diesel is that there is no "How to Quit Nicotine 101" handbook or some potion one can ingest to make it all go away.Everyone's quit is different and we all have to face our very own demons.Thankfully we don't have to face them alone,never ever ever.There is a place where at a click of a button or swipe of a mouse 1,000+ people which of whom non of us will ever probably meet in person have your back.The mind games and self induced worrying we will suffer may never stop completely.However we must get up every morning, post roll,keep our word and do the very best we can.Utilizing what we have learned and all the tools we have at our disposal.Face your challenges Diesel head on and learn from them after you have conquered them ODAAT. NAFAR!!
Diesel what can I say, fantastic post man. I have been thinking about it all morning.
SirDerek, great response. Jay Nellie, another great response. Damn I love this site, brotherhood at it's finest.
Diesel, keep this in mind, "bumps of shit in the road" are in fact, just a normal part of life. Ups, downs, successes, failures, challenges, triumphs, happiness, sorrow, births, deaths, natural disasters, tradegies, miracles and so on and so on.
I can speak for myself when I tell you that this whole healing process can be summarized in a few words. I am learning how to deal with these bumps in the road of life without nicotine running through my veins. Nicotine hijacked and replaced all of my real feelings and real normal responses to these bumps.
No more Diesel, today we are quit. Can't control yesterday or last year. Tomorrow is too damn far away to think about. But today we can control. I am proud as hell to be quit you on this fine holiday. You'll get through this, you are a bad SOB.
Ryan
Thank you for this post Diesel. Always the teacher even in your times of self doubt. Proud of you and all you stand for. I QUIT with you today.
Nothing to worry about, the shit in the road may splatter on bystanders though. Just go back in your intro and read those posts from last year and you'll see how much different this is than those days of suck. I'm so proud to to have been on this journey with you.
"Fear is pain arising from the anticipation of evil".
That is were I was at this morning. In pain and afraid, just anticipating reliving that evil day that sent me to the hospital and into a downward spiral.
Shame on me, for ANTICIPATING the worst. Their "were" no evil demons waiting for me at my Moms. Turns out something beautiful was there...peace, perspective, and a slice of redemption.
My idiot brain had me so riled up and scared this morning I could barely get out of bed.
But I did.
Took a deep breath....shit, showered, shaved and started to feel a little better. Jumped in my ride, let loose a "LETS DO THIS" primal scream and made my way to the grocery store. Bought necessary picnic supplies, headed home and loaded up the cooler...felt even better.
Packed up the fishing poles, football, baseball gloves, and other kids shit, and started to think "ok asshole lets do this". Picked up my 83 year old Grandma, packed her piece of shit scooter thing into my sled, slammed the hatch, took another deep breath, said "fuck" and headed out.
Got to my Moms...nothing. No fear, no panic, no flashbacks, no nothing. Just "normal". (I fucking love normal)
I fished, played catch, ate like a pig, drank Jones cream soda, talked, went for a boat ride, made a fire, ate some shitty ass smores my kids burnt the shit our of, packed the car back up and headed home, where I now sit, hos...hand on sack and happy as a clam. I had come full circle.
Howd I do it? .I just kept pushing . Just kept living. Just kept doing what I had been doing for the past 357 days...moving forward.
Am I "cured"? Nope, never will be. Was is "easier" than it was in the past? You bet your fucking ass it was. I'm pretty much a dumb fuck, but when you're going through some shit as tough as kicking nics ass you better fucking pay attention and not only learn some lessons, but never fucking forget them. I did that today.
One last thing thst really helped me today...this fucked up place.
Posting my thoughts this morning really helped, just getting it out on the table is a great tool (see I remembered that one). Also checking my alerts and reading the words from those who took time to respone to my post and offer kind and encouraging words really touched me and made me believe in myself even more. Thank you to those who reached out to me.
Man...I add all that shit together and instead of the hellish day I anticipated when I woke up. Today was a fucking kick ass day.
Keep living boys and girls. Keep moving forward, if only at a snails pace. Use this site while doing so. Buy into it fully. Don't half ass it, don't try and reinvent it, don't think you know better, don't be a fucking ass scab. There's lessons and truths here that WILL get you where you want to go. I promise.
Stay quit. Sorry so long, but I like to keep my posts like my shlong. Long and heavy.
