D-Day was Feb 28/Mar 01, 2010

[Ready]

JULY 4, 2010

I had a bad craving today and I also happened to need to go to Wal Mart. Cool - two birds, one stone - I can pick up some fake.

I had a "Profiles in Courage" moment in the check out aisle. Could not find the Smokey Mountain, but I did see the wall of dip staring back at me. Stare it did.

Moment of truth time....

I had to walk out of there. Having some fake was not as important as preserving my quit.

The lesson is even four months in, which is not a long time, that sometimes you still have to walk away from triggers. Maybe the lesson as well is that I need to mail order my fake if I am going to use it.

Oh, and the crave is gone.

Yes, You must fight for your freedom. Enjoy the day Sir.

[allec]

JULY 4, 2010

I had a bad craving today and I also happened to need to go to Wal Mart. Cool - two birds, one stone - I can pick up some fake.

I had a "Profiles in Courage" moment in the check out aisle. Could not find the Smokey Mountain, but I did see the wall of dip staring back at me. Stare it did.

Moment of truth time....

I had to walk out of there. Having some fake was not as important as preserving my quit.

The lesson is even four months in, which is not a long time, that sometimes you still have to walk away from triggers. Maybe the lesson as well is that I need to mail order my fake if I am going to use it.

Oh, and the crave is gone.

[Lochi21]

I like what you're doing and writing here allec. Reading your words is helping me out so I appreciate you sharing them.

Lochi21 - 133

[allec]

JUNE 30, 2010

And tomorrow, the real work begins.

QSX/KTC is great. Number 1, it is free. Number 2, provided one follows the rules and does the work, it is 100 percent guaranteed to work.

We join KTC, usually early in our quit, and learn the art of posting roll. Our quit groups are "stickied" in an easy to find place at the top of the list of forums. Veteran quitters support us and spend time in our forum, showing us the ropes or popping us in the jaw when needed. And, through sheer force of will and the kindness of others, we add days.

Matt van Wyk, the inventor of the concept that ultimately morphed into KTC, designated 100 days as an important milestone. Really for the entire month in which 100 days falls, we collectively celebrate as a group. Hell, we even get to ride a train. I like trains. The outreach is tremendous, all from a bunch of people we do not know in "real life."

And then June comes to a close. Our group is no longer stickied, and here is where I think it gets interesting. If we want to stay active in our group, and I know I do, then we have to work to find it. There is less activity in the more mature groups. People slow down or stop posting. The optimist in me believes that many just move on with their lives, having successfully broken the chains of addiction. The realist in me sadly suspects that a fair number who leave early cave.

I am not suggesting that QSX/KTC is like the Hotel California - where you can check out, but never leave. However, during my 17 weeks here, I have observed a few people returning for another go around, usually starting out with "I got away from the site too early."

There are a tremendous amount of resources and wisdom accumulated here to help people get to 100 days. What is harder to find, and more haphazard, is what happpens after 100 days.

My mission, over the foreseeable future, is to collect my thoughts post-100 days and document over many hundreds of days my quit. I have made it to around 405 days before, and so I can tell you that the cravings were not gone at that point. Obviously, I did not successfully navigate life without nicotine past a year the last time.

Here, or on another thread somewhere on this site, I plan to document cravings, funks, and observations about life without nicotine as my quit day becomes more distant.

Here is my quit so far in a nutshell:

Days 1-60 - Fog, depressed, intermittent bouts of rage and generally without much focus. Funks at two weeks, one in my 30s, and a long one in my 50s and 60s. Holding on for dear life. If antidepressants worked on me, this would have been a good time to have some around.

Days 60-80 - Fog, NOT depressed, intermittent bouts of rage and slowly regaining focus. A funk or two in there. Beginning to reconcile myself with the concept of never again and shutting the door, but also found myself not giving a shit from time to time. Still holding on for dear life.

Days 80 - 100 - Fog, NOT depressed, not as angry and regaining more focus. Funks lasting less than two days. Still holding on for dear life.

Days 100 - 122 - Fog, pretty relaxed and regaining more focus. Major craves, lasting less than a day punctuating long periods of no desires or craves. Still feel like I do not have this under control overall, but when breaking it down into a day or hours, I am fine.

My fog will lift at some point, and my focus will return to full strength. I do not know when, but I dipped for a long time and I am patient.

[allec]

JUNE 28, 2010

And if you need a reminder of how powerful an addiction we are dealing with, read the post before this one and this one.

I have 120 days in the bank. This morning, I had splints and packing removed from my nose as part of the recovery from my sinus surgery. Guess what the first thing I thought of walking out of the doctor's office was?

A dip.

I could not bleeping believe it - a crave when I just went through the most horrible medical experience of my life.

Of course, I had already given my word today caving was not an option, the crave passed, and I have some phone numbers of my friends on this board had the crave been particularly bad.

I think we have all had moments, mainly after dental visits, where we packed one in since we are all clear. I have come too far and long to fall for that one again.

Here is one lesson in all of this. It is simply a decision to stay quit - the same question, sometimes out of nowhere, (Do I want a dip?) answered the same way (No) time after time.

Here is the more haunting lesson - if you think dipping is just a nasty habit rather than one of the most addictive drug delivery systems ever created, think again. Why would I, after 17 weeks of being quit and four days of post-surgical hell, crave a poison I have worked my ass off to be free of?

A successful quit requires respect and fear for the magnitude of the addiction, anger, motivation, and the simple ability to say No repeatedly. It requires balls to the wall focus for awhile, and it involves sacrifices.

Although one should not underestimate the power of our addiction, one should also not underestimate our power to overcome it, should we choose to approach this properly, respect it for what it is, and use every tool at our disposal to fight it day by day.

[allec]

JUNE 27, 2010

Need a reminder of what dipping was like? Not the pleasant part, if there were one, but the jacked up, elevated pulse, gums in pain part?

I had sinus surgery three four days ago in hopes of relieving some long standing issues. It is too early to say if it was successful, but I am in a lot of pain and am very uncomfortable. It reminds me of being sick and dipping. Why anyone would be sick and want to dip is beyond me, but remember, we are all addicts so our behavior follows.

Even worse, I can hardly open my mouth, cannot really chew on solid food, and my gums are killing me. I have subsisted on soup, jello, and yogurt and might be for another week.

Maybe I just had a short preview into what oral cancer surgery would be like for me. Username Outdoortexan on this board went through that experience, and from reading his page, it looks like it is horrible.

I can tell you unequivocally that if sinus surgery is anything like oral cancer surgery, any thoughts I might ever entertain of "just one" are gone. Believe me, you do not want any part of this.

Allec, at Day 119, and resolutely quit.

[allec]

Quit or quit not. There is no try or hope. Quit or quit not, day by day, hour by hour, or minute by minute if need be. It all boils down to a long series of the same question that has a yes or no answer- will you dip? Answer the question NO every time and you are done.

Brilliant !!

Simple.... Effective.

'clap'

There are some days when the nic bitch is like the old lady, asking the same question over and over and over.

Nagging.

Today is one of those days.

And the answer is NO. None for me today.

[Greg5280]

Quit or quit not. There is no try or hope. Quit or quit not, day by day, hour by hour, or minute by minute if need be. It all boils down to a long series of the same question that has a yes or no answer- will you dip? Answer the question NO every time and you are done.

Brilliant !!

Simple.... Effective.

'clap'

[allec]

Quit or quit not. There is no try or hope. Quit or quit not, day by day, hour by hour, or minute by minute if need be. It all boils down to a long series of the same question that has a yes or no answer- will you dip? Answer the question NO every time and you are done.

[Ready]

JUNE 17, 2010

For the past couple of days, I have woken up and have not thought about dip. I have not had any cravings. I have just been living a good, clean, nicotine free life. What I have felt is what we all are working for. I don't even have much fog.

Then it occurs to me a few hours after waking up that I need to post roll. I have also had (what I consider to be dangerous) thoughts about blowing off posting roll. That is a big no no for me. Maybe some day I will be able to manage my addiction (by lifetime abstinence, one day at a time) with little effort and care, but not anytime soon.

Having made it this far and further before years ago on the initial iteration of QS, I know what getting away from the site can lead to. I have seen it here, and I have experienced it myself. Here is what goes down, and No 1 through 4 below probably happen between week 15 (100 days) and week 155 (three years). No 5 below is the real crapshoot.

1. A long streak of days without craves begins. Life is great. The quitter begins to question whether he needs QSX, decides not to post roll and quits the site.

2. Craves come and go. By now, the quitter has enough muscle memory to deal with minor craves without help or much thought.

3. A particularly nasty funk entails (they come and go for years, but decreasing in frequency). Maybe the quitter has enough tools in his head to get through it, maybe not.

4. The thought of "just one" is going to occur at some point. A moment of truth and a "Profiles in Courage" moment will occur. It's simply a question of when. It's much easier to FAIL if no one is watching.

5. If the wrong decision was made in No. 4, the former quitter will quit again. Maybe because of his own free will like I did, maybe because of a health scare, maybe because of a health crisis, or maybe because the former quitter died from his decision to have "just one". But everyone quits eventually; it is just a question of under what terms and conditions.

Oh, and if you do come back, you get to have that awkward conversation about what led to the cave, what we can all learn from you, are you going to really grow a pair this time, what is different, what is your damn plan, why did you not call, etc.

I am not belittling this ritual we do here for prodigal sons, because we are about doing this right ONCE, but it's a lot damn easier to keep the pair you have than it is to go back to day one and grow a new pair.

Keep posting roll and stick around - because the only difference between Day 100 or 400 or 1,000 and Day 1 is one stupid decision.

Had I been posting roll at the old QS before it closed down, I doubt I would have caved in 2006. The fact of the matter is that I am an addict for life. There will come a point where being quit is so much a part of me that I can deal with any crave, funk, or other curveball the nic bitch throws at me without a second thought or support from any other person.

I do not know when that might be. I am not there yet. So I'll post up my +1, none today, none since Feb 2010 promise tomorrow, and I anticpiate doing so for a long, long time.

It's a lot easier to manage an addiction with some help than it is going it alone. And the best thing about QSX? It's free, it's easy, and it works 100 percent of the time if you play by the rules. All that is asked for is your daily promise and a willingness to help a brother out from time to time.

That right there is a fine post allec.

[Greg5280]

GREAT POST!!!

Every single cave I have seen in my 230 days here has that common thread in it. I left the site... blah, blah.

Newbies pay attention... 100 is not a cure. Keep posting

[allec]

JUNE 17, 2010

For the past couple of days, I have woken up and have not thought about dip. I have not had any cravings. I have just been living a good, clean, nicotine free life. What I have felt is what we all are working for. I don't even have much fog.

Then it occurs to me a few hours after waking up that I need to post roll. I have also had (what I consider to be dangerous) thoughts about blowing off posting roll. That is a big no no for me. Maybe some day I will be able to manage my addiction (by lifetime abstinence, one day at a time) with little effort and care, but not anytime soon.

Having made it this far and further before years ago on the initial iteration of QS, I know what getting away from the site can lead to. I have seen it here, and I have experienced it myself. Here is what goes down, and No 1 through 4 below probably happen between week 15 (100 days) and week 155 (three years). No 5 below is the real crapshoot.

1. A long streak of days without craves begins. Life is great. The quitter begins to question whether he needs QSX, decides not to post roll and quits the site.

2. Craves come and go. By now, the quitter has enough muscle memory to deal with minor craves without help or much thought.

3. A particularly nasty funk entails (they come and go for years, but decreasing in frequency). Maybe the quitter has enough tools in his head to get through it, maybe not.

4. The thought of "just one" is going to occur at some point. A moment of truth and a "Profiles in Courage" moment will occur. It's simply a question of when. It's much easier to FAIL if no one is watching.

5. If the wrong decision was made in No. 4, the former quitter will quit again. Maybe because of his own free will like I did, maybe because of a health scare, maybe because of a health crisis, or maybe because the former quitter died from his decision to have "just one". But everyone quits eventually; it is just a question of under what terms and conditions.

Oh, and if you do come back, you get to have that awkward conversation about what led to the cave, what we can all learn from you, are you going to really grow a pair this time, what is different, what is your damn plan, why did you not call, etc.

I am not belittling this ritual we do here for prodigal sons, because we are about doing this right ONCE, but it's a lot damn easier to keep the pair you have than it is to go back to day one and grow a new pair.

Keep posting roll and stick around - because the only difference between Day 100 or 400 or 1,000 and Day 1 is one stupid decision.

Had I been posting roll at the old QS before it closed down, I doubt I would have caved in 2006. The fact of the matter is that I am an addict for life. There will come a point where being quit is so much a part of me that I can deal with any crave, funk, or other curveball the nic bitch throws at me without a second thought or support from any other person.

I do not know when that might be. I am not there yet. So I'll post up my +1, none today, none since Feb 2010 promise tomorrow, and I anticpiate doing so for a long, long time.

It's a lot easier to manage an addiction with some help than it is going it alone. And the best thing about QSX? It's free, it's easy, and it works 100 percent of the time if you play by the rules. All that is asked for is your daily promise and a willingness to help a brother out from time to time.

[teamgreen]

JUNE 9, 2010

I hit the hall yesterday, which is an important milestone of 100 days here at QSX.

What does it mean? It is just another day. It does not matter that I am 101 days quit. It does not matter that I made 400 days quit a few years ago. It does not matter that, once I build a long succession of +1s, that I will be at 1,000 days or, if I live long enough, 20,000 days (which would make me 96 years old).

The only thing that matters is that I do not reintroduce nicotine into my body in any way, shape, or form today. Tomorrow is a different day, and although it is a different day, it is not my intention to introduce nicotine into my body in any way, shape, or form tomorrow. But I will crystallize that intention in the form of a promise to myself and to you tomorrow, not today.

My (now latent, inactive, but still existing) addiction to nicotine is on a parallel path to my life. On the one hand, I work, spend time with my family, and have triumphs and tragedies like all of us. On the other hand, I still have cravings for nicotine, am still dealing with the mental effects of withdrawal, and will be dealing them for some time.

Question - will satisfying that crave with just one change anything for the better on the parallel path of my life consisting of family time, work, triumphs and tragedies?

Answer - no.

Very well articulated, concise take on and plan for continued quititude beyond the hall, bro. Duly noted and soon to be mimicked.

[allec]

JUNE 9, 2010

I hit the hall yesterday, which is an important milestone of 100 days here at QSX.

What does it mean? It is just another day. It does not matter that I am 101 days quit. It does not matter that I made 400 days quit a few years ago. It does not matter that, once I build a long succession of +1s, that I will be at 1,000 days or, if I live long enough, 20,000 days (which would make me 96 years old).

The only thing that matters is that I do not reintroduce nicotine into my body in any way, shape, or form today. Tomorrow is a different day, and although it is a different day, it is not my intention to introduce nicotine into my body in any way, shape, or form tomorrow. But I will crystallize that intention in the form of a promise to myself and to you tomorrow, not today.

My (now latent, inactive, but still existing) addiction to nicotine is on a parallel path to my life. On the one hand, I work, spend time with my family, and have triumphs and tragedies like all of us. On the other hand, I still have cravings for nicotine, am still dealing with the mental effects of withdrawal, and will be dealing them for some time.

Question - will satisfying that crave with just one change anything for the better on the parallel path of my life consisting of family time, work, triumphs and tragedies?

Answer - no.

[RagingJew]

Allec, your post just gave me wood. I'm not talking balsa either. I'm talking teac, mahogony, oak, rosewood, bubinga, wenge, all the exotics. Hells yeah broseph.