D-Day was Feb 28/Mar 01, 2010

[Ready]

February 24, 2012 - Day 726

If you are newer or early in your fight against nicotine addiction, be warned that there is some hard work and sobering news in the paragraphs below. If you are freaking out about the commitment quitting takes long term because you just quit, come back in a few months and read this when you've adjusted your mindset to a life without nicotine.

I was reading about someone locally famous who is 85 years old and retiring after decades of work. I learned that this gentleman has had chronic lymphotic leukemia since the 1970s.

I did a little bit of reading on chronic lymphotic leukemia and other cancers. Apparently, there are several forms of cancer that are chronic, slow growing, and can be "managed" with periodic treatment. I never knew that someone could have cancer for 40 years, manage it, survive, and in the case of this gentleman, thrive. His cancer never left, and it was never cured. Through the miracles of modern medicine, he has managed his condition.

This does not sound much different than what we are dealing with here. The "cancer" in this case (God forbid any of us get the real thing from our past dipping) is our nicotine addiction. It never leaves us, and it is never cured. The treatment - daily in my case for the past 720+ days - is posting roll and being involved around here to varying extents.

Am I cured? No.
Will I ever be cured? No.
Am I a nicotine addict? Yes.
Am I under treatment? Yes.
Could I relapse (i.e., cave)? Easily, but it is in my control and highly unlikely to occur while I am under active "treatment". All I need to do is post roll, use the tools available to me here (I still use a few of them after 728 days) and make sure I have a plan in place when there is a funk or trigger.

Interesting way to look at it.

I like your last paragraph the most.

We must fight for our freedom everyday.

[allec]

February 24, 2012 - Day 726

If you are newer or early in your fight against nicotine addiction, be warned that there is some hard work and sobering news in the paragraphs below. If you are freaking out about the commitment quitting takes long term because you just quit, come back in a few months and read this when you've adjusted your mindset to a life without nicotine.

I was reading about someone locally famous who is 85 years old and retiring after decades of work. I learned that this gentleman has had chronic lymphotic leukemia since the 1970s.

I did a little bit of reading on chronic lymphotic leukemia and other cancers. Apparently, there are several forms of cancer that are chronic, slow growing, and can be "managed" with periodic treatment. I never knew that someone could have cancer for 40 years, manage it, survive, and in the case of this gentleman, thrive. His cancer never left, and it was never cured. Through the miracles of modern medicine, he has managed his condition.

This does not sound much different than what we are dealing with here. The "cancer" in this case (God forbid any of us get the real thing from our past dipping) is our nicotine addiction. It never leaves us, and it is never cured. The treatment - daily in my case for the past 720+ days - is posting roll and being involved around here to varying extents.

Am I cured? No.
Will I ever be cured? No.
Am I a nicotine addict? Yes.
Am I under treatment? Yes.
Could I relapse (i.e., cave)? Easily, but it is in my control and highly unlikely to occur while I am under active "treatment". All I need to do is post roll, use the tools available to me here (I still use a few of them after 728 days) and make sure I have a plan in place when there is a funk or trigger.

[allec]

I am in the process of changing jobs. Cleaning off my hard drive, I found something I had written on March 8, 2010 (eight days in) but I do not think I ever posted. I reproduce it below, modified for today's date. Although I have not had a crave in a long time and it's been months since I was in a funk, I still show up to post roll to shut it down.

Don’t be a dumbass. Today, I would be at Day 2,441 or so and not Day 607 if I had stuck around on this site's predecessor (and joined this site in 2006) and not listened to the siren call of “just one more.”

I am damn lucky to have made it to Day 607, because as someone who caved on Day 405 of an earlier hiatus in 2005-2006, I can tell you it took me 1,430 days to get back to a Day 1.

I am one of the lucky ones. Many who have caved never make it back. LetÂ’s not delude ourselves that we ever have this thing licked. We donÂ’t entirely.

ThereÂ’s no sugar coating this. If, for some reason, I develop health problems down the road, I will always ask myself if this is the price I am paying for my 1,430 day lapse between 2005 and 2010.

Don’t be me. Rely on the collective strength of this community, motivate yourself, run the hell away from the trigger – do anything except dip.

[Ready]

October 21, 2011 - Day 600

Time flies. Six hundred days ago, I took back my life, one day at a time. Did quitting dip make all of my problems go away? No, but it opened the door for me to address some others.

I haven't used the fake since September 19.

A couple of things I am reflecting on this morning. First, I am still a spineless addict and $5 away from the highway to hell. Thank God I found this place.

Second, I dipped for about 22 years. Took a year plus break once, but quit for good at 41. I am very, very lucky that I seemed to have gotten through this without negative health consequences (for now). It breaks my heart to read that a 19 year old girl who dipped for two years is having a different outcome over in January 11. My prayers for her.

Amen brother!

Charley, we have walked a hard walk these past many months. I am proud and humbled to have walked them with you.

Congratulations on today. You deserve to celebrate.

Thank you for staying close to the site and for all the help you have given to me, June 2010, and KTC.

Keep fighting. Your life is worth it.

Seeing numbers like 600 married with the truth that we are all $5 away from hell is a constant reminder of where I truly am. Thanks for sharing. Enjoy the day.

Mad respect brother. Congrats on 600. You are HUGE.

[Scowick65]

October 21, 2011 - Day 600

Time flies. Six hundred days ago, I took back my life, one day at a time. Did quitting dip make all of my problems go away? No, but it opened the door for me to address some others.

I haven't used the fake since September 19.

A couple of things I am reflecting on this morning. First, I am still a spineless addict and $5 away from the highway to hell. Thank God I found this place.

Second, I dipped for about 22 years. Took a year plus break once, but quit for good at 41. I am very, very lucky that I seemed to have gotten through this without negative health consequences (for now). It breaks my heart to read that a 19 year old girl who dipped for two years is having a different outcome over in January 11. My prayers for her.

Amen brother!

Charley, we have walked a hard walk these past many months. I am proud and humbled to have walked them with you.

Congratulations on today. You deserve to celebrate.

Thank you for staying close to the site and for all the help you have given to me, June 2010, and KTC.

Keep fighting. Your life is worth it.

Seeing numbers like 600 married with the truth that we are all $5 away from hell is a constant reminder of where I truly am. Thanks for sharing. Enjoy the day.

[Nolaq]

October 21, 2011 - Day 600

Time flies. Six hundred days ago, I took back my life, one day at a time. Did quitting dip make all of my problems go away? No, but it opened the door for me to address some others.

I haven't used the fake since September 19.

A couple of things I am reflecting on this morning. First, I am still a spineless addict and $5 away from the highway to hell. Thank God I found this place.

Second, I dipped for about 22 years. Took a year plus break once, but quit for good at 41. I am very, very lucky that I seemed to have gotten through this without negative health consequences (for now). It breaks my heart to read that a 19 year old girl who dipped for two years is having a different outcome over in January 11. My prayers for her.

Amen brother!

Charley, we have walked a hard walk these past many months. I am proud and humbled to have walked them with you.

Congratulations on today. You deserve to celebrate.

Thank you for staying close to the site and for all the help you have given to me, June 2010, and KTC.

Keep fighting. Your life is worth it.

[allec]

October 21, 2011 - Day 600

Time flies. Six hundred days ago, I took back my life, one day at a time. Did quitting dip make all of my problems go away? No, but it opened the door for me to address some others.

I haven't used the fake since September 19.

A couple of things I am reflecting on this morning. First, I am still a spineless addict and $5 away from the highway to hell. Thank God I found this place.

Second, I dipped for about 22 years. Took a year plus break once, but quit for good at 41. I am very, very lucky that I seemed to have gotten through this without negative health consequences (for now). It breaks my heart to read that a 19 year old girl who dipped for two years is having a different outcome over in January 11. My prayers for her.

[RAZD611]

July 13, 2011  - Day 500

Wow. Five hundred days. A lot has changed, and some things have not.

Changes - no longer a slave to the devil we know as nicotine, 10 lbs lighter than I was when I quit (after going up about 10 at one point), a much healthier perspective on life, and a healthy appreciation and respect for the power of this addiction. There are many who quit and post up a day 1. I have. Some have taken a hiatus and resumed quitting. I have done that as well. I remember the first few weeks very well, having done it twice. No mas and never again.

The second time almost killed me mentally. I don't think I can quit for a third time.

What has not changed - in times of extreme stress, I still go to the can - in this case, the fake. There is a huge debate around here about the fake. On the positive side, it has kept me away from the nicotine. On the negative side, the behavior of going to the can has not changed. Just what the can is.

The next step in my journey is to address the going to the can, and wean myself from the act of going to the can of fake. I will have to switch my can. Fortunately, that does not involve posting up a Day 1 and going through the hell that October 2011 is experiencing.

All in all, the fake has saved my quit. But I can see how easily how the fake could lead to darker things. For me, I have drawn a boundary, and that boundary is posting roll every day and not using nicotine ever again, whatever it takes.

Carry on and stay quit.

I am Proud of you.

Well done!

[Ready]

July 13, 2011 - Day 500

Wow. Five hundred days. A lot has changed, and some things have not.

Changes - no longer a slave to the devil we know as nicotine, 10 lbs lighter than I was when I quit (after going up about 10 at one point), a much healthier perspective on life, and a healthy appreciation and respect for the power of this addiction. There are many who quit and post up a day 1. I have. Some have taken a hiatus and resumed quitting. I have done that as well. I remember the first few weeks very well, having done it twice. No mas and never again.

The second time almost killed me mentally. I don't think I can quit for a third time.

What has not changed - in times of extreme stress, I still go to the can - in this case, the fake. There is a huge debate around here about the fake. On the positive side, it has kept me away from the nicotine. On the negative side, the behavior of going to the can has not changed. Just what the can is.

The next step in my journey is to address the going to the can, and wean myself from the act of going to the can of fake. I will have to switch my can. Fortunately, that does not involve posting up a Day 1 and going through the hell that October 2011 is experiencing.

All in all, the fake has saved my quit. But I can see how easily how the fake could lead to darker things. For me, I have drawn a boundary, and that boundary is posting roll every day and not using nicotine ever again, whatever it takes.

Carry on and stay quit.

I am Proud of you.

[J2b]

July 13, 2011 - Day 500

Wow. Five hundred days. A lot has changed, and some things have not.

Changes - no longer a slave to the devil we know as nicotine, 10 lbs lighter than I was when I quit (after going up about 10 at one point), a much healthier perspective on life, and a healthy appreciation and respect for the power of this addiction. There are many who quit and post up a day 1. I have. Some have taken a hiatus and resumed quitting. I have done that as well. I remember the first few weeks very well, having done it twice. No mas and never again.

The second time almost killed me mentally. I don't think I can quit for a third time.

What has not changed - in times of extreme stress, I still go to the can - in this case, the fake. There is a huge debate around here about the fake. On the positive side, it has kept me away from the nicotine. On the negative side, the behavior of going to the can has not changed. Just what the can is.

The next step in my journey is to address the going to the can, and wean myself from the act of going to the can of fake. I will have to switch my can. Fortunately, that does not involve posting up a Day 1 and going through the hell that October 2011 is experiencing.

All in all, the fake has saved my quit. But I can see how easily how the fake could lead to darker things. For me, I have drawn a boundary, and that boundary is posting roll every day and not using nicotine ever again, whatever it takes.

Carry on and stay quit.

Congrats on the 500. Just one small point, the fake has not "saved" your quit - you choosing the fake over the real may have saved your quit, but that choice was all you.

Don't shortchange yourself - you did this. Congrats again on the 500.

[nicofiend]

July 13, 2011 - Day 500

Wow. Five hundred days. A lot has changed, and some things have not.

Changes - no longer a slave to the devil we know as nicotine, 10 lbs lighter than I was when I quit (after going up about 10 at one point), a much healthier perspective on life, and a healthy appreciation and respect for the power of this addiction. There are many who quit and post up a day 1. I have. Some have taken a hiatus and resumed quitting. I have done that as well. I remember the first few weeks very well, having done it twice. No mas and never again.

The second time almost killed me mentally. I don't think I can quit for a third time.

What has not changed - in times of extreme stress, I still go to the can - in this case, the fake. There is a huge debate around here about the fake. On the positive side, it has kept me away from the nicotine. On the negative side, the behavior of going to the can has not changed. Just what the can is.

The next step in my journey is to address the going to the can, and wean myself from the act of going to the can of fake. I will have to switch my can. Fortunately, that does not involve posting up a Day 1 and going through the hell that October 2011 is experiencing.

All in all, the fake has saved my quit. But I can see how easily how the fake could lead to darker things. For me, I have drawn a boundary, and that boundary is posting roll every day and not using nicotine ever again, whatever it takes.

Carry on and stay quit.

Congrats alec: You have certainly strenghthened my quit brother, 71 days worth, and still going one day at a time! NIcofiend

[allec]

July 13, 2011 - Day 500

Wow. Five hundred days. A lot has changed, and some things have not.

Changes - no longer a slave to the devil we know as nicotine, 10 lbs lighter than I was when I quit (after going up about 10 at one point), a much healthier perspective on life, and a healthy appreciation and respect for the power of this addiction. There are many who quit and post up a day 1. I have. Some have taken a hiatus and resumed quitting. I have done that as well. I remember the first few weeks very well, having done it twice. No mas and never again.

The second time almost killed me mentally. I don't think I can quit for a third time.

What has not changed - in times of extreme stress, I still go to the can - in this case, the fake. There is a huge debate around here about the fake. On the positive side, it has kept me away from the nicotine. On the negative side, the behavior of going to the can has not changed. Just what the can is.

The next step in my journey is to address the going to the can, and wean myself from the act of going to the can of fake. I will have to switch my can. Fortunately, that does not involve posting up a Day 1 and going through the hell that October 2011 is experiencing.

All in all, the fake has saved my quit. But I can see how easily how the fake could lead to darker things. For me, I have drawn a boundary, and that boundary is posting roll every day and not using nicotine ever again, whatever it takes.

Carry on and stay quit.

[allec]

July 1, 2011 - Day 488

It is a beautiful day to be quit. Every day is a beautiful day to be quit.

Almost 70 weeks in, I can tell you that it gets better. I also am happy to report that it gets very easy for 98% of the days. The other 2% of those days that suck are getting easier as well.

I can never lose sight of the fact that I am an addict. As far as my continued participation here - why mess with what works? Posting roll takes a minute out of my morning. Additional participation does take time, but all of my additional participation is an investment in my quit and perhaps others' as well.

[Greg5280]

Amen my friend....

[allec]

April 15, 2011 - Day 411

I have seen a couple of repeat customers return to the site recently. One who was a serial caver about a year ago and came back for a Day 1 drive by, and another who has a three digit member number who posted a Day 1 today.

The repeat customers with low member numbers who were on a hiatus for hundreds of days get my attention. They weren't truly quit, were they, since by definition quit seems to indicate not partaking of something.

The cyle seems to be (i) get away from the site, (ii) a stressor or trigger happens, (iii) the member is lulled by the siren call of "just one", and (iv) just like that, just with one dip, the cycle of addiction resumes.

Out of the 4 steps above, 3 are in our control. On (i), we can choose to stay on the site even if for 30 seconds daily to post roll. On (iii), we have the choice to say no. On (iv), it never happens if we do not do (iii).

The only thing somewhat out of our control are our triggers or stressors. We all react differently, and some of us succumb easier than other. I had a 400+ day hiatus before this site was around, and I used a death of a loved one to justify a dip, which led to another 4 years of feeding my addiction.

Others on this site have weathered the deaths of their best friends, fathers, mothers, and even a child without using the event to justify a dip. I mourn your losses but I salute you for avoiding a relapse into feeding your addiction during your time of loss. If I only had your strength of character in 2006 that you had and have during your time of loss.

I know that some day I am going to have a life event or a major stressor. Perhaps a career issue, perphaps a health issue, perhaps a death in the family. It will happen.

Those times will be a lot easier to deal with knowing that I have a built in support group here. All I will have to do is ask for some help, and it is there.