86- So yesterday I had a bit of the suck. It wasn't a pervasive all day suck like I've had in the past, but it was micro sucks instead of craves. By suck in this case I mean a feeling like I was missing something or I was somehow incomplete, unsatisfied. It seemed to hit me when I did something that used to trigger a crave: after meals, when I had to take a dump, watching a show after the kids were in bed, etc.. I realized the feeling for what it was right from the start, but it kept coming at me all day. It was like the nic bitch was switching up her tactics on me again: craving the poison isn't working on me anymore so now she is trying to punish me instead of enticing me; playing out the analogy that the addiction to nicotine is like being married to some psycho assed manipulative skank bitch who makes you go through a horrible divorce, fights you tooth and nail for custody and the house, and after you are done makes your life miserable every chance she gets! At one point last night I had a little conversation with her (ok yes I was really just talking to myself but we all do it) and it went something like this: nic: "you will never replace me and you will miss me every day if you don't take me back"
me: "Oh shit you are so right! Let me run to the corner as fast as I can and buy a big can of poison so I can start actively killing myself again! I will be so happy being a slave again and spending all my disposable income on poison to kill myself that I will soon forget all the self loathing and shame I would feel for breaking my promise to myself and my KTC brothers and sisters. I bet that poison lip turd would make all my troubles go away, and I so miss spilling a spitter now and again..."
nic: "..."
me: "that's what I thought!"
I have been reading The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings to my children, and I am now in a heavy Gollum section of the tale. Man if there aren't allot of commonalities... Yes my precious nice tobacconists gets us our fix... So now I am envisioning the nic bitch as a female version of Gollum with floppy deflated pancake tities and a dirty loin cloth.
I haven't had a nice rant on my intro in a while, but it still feels good to vent some b/s out now and again. The micro sucks were easy to get through, and I never had any serious threat to my quit yesterday, but man does the nic bitch piss me off! It's all head games now and even though the nic bitch is tricksy and changes her tactics from time to time she is still using a high school football playbook, and KTC has an NFL playbook for us to use. I am gonna kick nics ass today just like I did yesterday and still hate her enough and love kicking her ass so much that I will sign up to do it again tomorrow!
