Day 7 and Day 8- did not get a chance to post what was on my mind yesterday and it was a big mistake. I had the worst day for anxiety. My mood was worse. I didn't fight with any of my family really, but I could tell I was a sarcastic asshole. Was really struggling to cope with anxiety. Tried a number of things, nap, doing chores, relaxing and watching football, playing with the little kids, using the fake stuff. Not much helped. I wasn't at all interested in going back to the can to help me cope. I had posted roll. I wish I would have posted something like this though, as this is what has been helping so much. Getting all this shit out of my head.
Today I feel a lot better, probably because it's a work day, probably because I'm not really in the fog and feel like I'll actually be productive at work this week, probably because the oral fixation is starting to subside some, probably because I feel significantly better from not having nicotine in my body.
It's interesting the timeline of nicotine for me, which went something like:
Age 18-22, this is fun, I get a buzz, not really a big deal that I chew because I can quit any time, I'm young and healthy and athletic, I'm invincible, numbers show there is almost no way of getting too sick from this
Age 22-25, I'm starting to date a lot more now, I really need to hide this from girls because they think it is disgusting, but, it'll be okay, I'll just use when I'm not around them, I'll quit when I get a serious woman, I start the habit of altering my life to accommodate chew. I am a slave. My freedom has left me and I don't even know it.
Age 25-29, Now I've got a serious woman, I said I'd quit, but now I'm going to hide it. Then she busts me, accepts it, and hates it. This happens with several relationships. I'm starting to get worried that I'll never quit because I need it every time I'm stressed out, I'm short of breath when I exercise, and scoring hot chicks isn't enough to get me to quit, what will get me to quit? Ah, I'll quit when I'm married. I'm still a slave.
Age 29-35, I get married, i have kids but I still don't quit. I'll hide it from the kids though, because I'm ashamed of my habit. My wife hates it, but at least I'm keeping it away from the kids. Then I get lazy and start doing it around the kids. You talk about quitting to the kids, how you should have never started, how ashamed and embarrassed you are, yet you keep going to pick it up at the c-store. You finally realize now, that when you were 18-22, this became a part of your identity and it has been your identity, but you failed to admit it. Still slaving away to chew.
Age 36- I'm 8 days into my quit. Taking it one day at a time. My eyes are open to the above, I'm admitting this, that I'm an addict, that I was a slave, and that I wish I would have found KTC years ago. But it's not too late.
I quit today. I quit with all my KTC brothers and sisters today.
