Sir, that was an excellent analysis of my dentist rant. Thanks for the point by point breakdown. As i wrote it last night it just poured out of my head in one steady stream. No proof reading, just writing. Re-reading it today makes me aware of how far my moods still swing. Some of the shit I, and other quitters post here would be admissable evidence for an insanity plea.
Just thinking here...but...
Can you imagine a man-slaughter or 2nd degree murder trial where the defense uses nicotine withdrawl for an insanity plea. No juror would buy that shit. People dont lose it, shift through three lanes of traffic at 70mph, then pass on the right shoulder to get in front of the guy who, "gave me a bad look." Oh, they also dont spike the brakes causing the "bad look" driver to rear end the defendent and be forcibly ejected through the windshield. He was found dead on impact in the bed of the defendants truck. Now we have a murder trial.
(This could have been avoided with better use of seatbelts, but everybody misses that point)
Anyway, now the family of the "bad look" dead guy is pissed. They want to see the defendant serve time for taking away one of their own. The DA says they have a good case for 2nd degree murder but the family wants the better odds of jail time with a manslaughter charge. The trial begins with a fair amount of local media coverage. Images of family members in the court room are all over the 5 o'clock news. They quietly sit though the trial with angry scowls across their faces. (Ironically it was this "look" from the deceased that started the whole thing.) Even before proceedings begin, everyone knows the outcome. This guy is guilty. He intentionally used his vehichle as a weapon to harm an innocent driver. That innocent driver's only fault is that he was born with a perpetual frown that evokes helpless insecurity in all who view it.
This is how the DA presents his case during opening arguments. He concludes by reminding the jury that no one deserves to die for giving a bad look on the highway. "No!" he tells the jury, "the defendant is a capable murderer for which society has no use!"
Following the DA's opener, everyone expects the rest of the trial to be procedural at best. Finish the trial, maximum jail time, no parole. One more killer off the street. Done.
But this is where the real story starts. This is where a young defense attorney's secret nicotine addiction enters his professional realm. The very demon he has been hiding from everyone is now his best chance to win his first high-profile case. His law firm put him on this case to lose easily and quietly. Letting the new guy take the impossible defense case is standard opporating procedure. Fuck it, everyone still makes a salery. But as the little demon awakens again, he begins to see a way - a way to keep the defendant free, and furthur his own career.
Insanity plea. The defendant was simply not himself at the time of the accident.
Quiet laughter could be heard as our aspiring young attourney introduced a motion for dismissal on these grounds. Anyone who's watched a few episodes of law and order knows that insanity is difficult to prove. Even with testimony from respected medical professionals the chances were slim. And to be fair to the doctors, who among them would jeoprodize their career by testifying to a lost cause? As these realizations warmed over the assembled witnesses, their curiosity grew. Hushed utterences and unsure glances flew about the room. What was this fresh outta law school boy trying to do?
Ahh, but here is where our attourney's recent graduation from law school becomes his strength.
It started in his highschool AP classes. A friend offered him a pinch of chery skoal during a marathon study session. Damn if he didn't ace the next exam. From then on, study, school, and dip was his holy trinity. One could not exist without the other. As he excelled through highschool, through undergraduate work at Georgetown, through an MBA at Rutgers and finally Yale Law that little tin of cherry skoal was always by his side. She was the goddess that had blessed him with all things good in life.
Still, this fellow is no fool. Upon law school graduation he left his sweet little cherry behind. For weeks he was a wreck. Sweats, insomnia, cant shit, cant think, cant live. With his last shred of self control fraying, he discovered the KTC Website. He discovered a whole world of people just as fucked up as he was. He found comfort in the stories of quitters who's lives were upended by their quit. Failing realtionships, irrational anger, unjustified fights, panic attacks, emotional breakdowns...were the norm here. It was a collection of people expressing themselves and their insanity from quitting nicotine. While he empathized with the freakshow and their stories, he knew he was not like them. He was a success on his own. So he quit on his own and memories of those first few weeks faded away.
Soon after graduation he landed a criminal defense job with chicago's most connnected firm. This was the big time. The parters defended clients with everything to lose and money to pay attorneys to ensure they didn't. Fuck the morals. He hadn't put himself through a lifetime of schooling to be a public defendant. Student loans, a new mortgage, the car payment, and his ever increasing selection of 3-piece suits cost a shitload. Pay day was coming soon. His job was to keep the firm's clients out of jail. Period.
Now in the court room he smiled at his little demon. Our savvy young attourney supoened KTC for copies of it's members' posts. He admitted into evidence copies of new members's introductions. This is where the truly disturbed wrote the musings of their nicotine deprived minds. Most intros were from members less than one week quit. Then, in a chessmaster's planned style of impending checkmate, he called expert witness to review the introductions. One counseler, two psychiastrists, and one psychologist independantly stated that based upon review of the given posts, the authors of said posts showed clear signs of insanity. Lack of normal behavioral patterns was most often sited, with one professional commenting that depravity of this sort was only seen in training films.
Small pamphlets containing samples of KTC threads were given to the jurors to read. CHECK.
The next morning, a friday, the defense completed the job. The defendant was put on the stand. Our young attorney went through the standard questions answered only by, "i didn"t know, im so sorry," and plenty of tears from the stand. Typical.
Then, the question of the defendent's tobacco history came. After a few prosecutorial objections it was admitted that our driver chewed cope snuff since he was 12. The good stuff. Now, twenty years later he was still struggling to quit. The jurors and all assembled could see the glow in his eyes as he testified about his addiction. Just saying the word "copenhagen" a second time for the stenographer brought him obvious pleasure. "CO - PEN - HAG - EN," he said trying to hold onto each syllable for as long as possible. CHECKMATE. This is what the defense had hoped for. Everyone can recognize the passion of an addict for his drug - and - the instability that comes with the loss of it.
To seal the case, records of the defendents membership in KTC were presented showing that the accident occurred on the third day of his "quit". Having learned the horrors in the mind of a newly quit addict, the jury needed no more. It was also noted that the defendent no longer had a pressence on the site 2 days following the accident and was assumed to have given up quitting.
Only now did the DA see where this newbie defender was leading everyone. Cross examination wasn't memorable. Following closing arguments, the jury returned in under an hour with a " not guilty by reason of insanity" verdict. That was it. Done.
Epilogue:
To celebrate his victory, our heroic young attorney went to the courthouse paper stand and promptly purchased a fresh can of cherry skoal. After all, it was this girl who helped him win an unwinnable case. He popped his first cherry with the help of cherry skoal. Homage needed to be paid after the past six months and it bewilderd him why he had left her out of his life this long.
The defendent went home to his family but couldn't communicate to them the torture he felt inside. He had killed someone in a fit of rage and it tore him up. Nights became filled with warm whiskey, the blue glow of silenced television, and crumbles of snuff constantly about the couch. His work suffered and when it ended so did his marriage.
The family of the deceased went on with their ways. They were one fewer and lonlier than ever.
The defense law firm gained considerable fan fare for the court case. They were able to improve their list of clients on a national scale. A recent victory defending a Detroit Lion's player in the murder of a prostitue was well publicized. It was another seemingly unwinnable case. The athlete was credited later that season for the Lion's superbowl victory.
And as always, one winner always persists. One more in the plus column for the little cherry BITCH.
