Day 1059
It is hard to believe I will be hitting three years quit in a little over a month's time. But, here I am.
Early in my quit journey my brain was constantly thinking about the fact that I wasn't chewing. Every time I would mow the grass, drive my truck, read a book, go fishing, etc, my brain would be focusing on the fact that I used to always have a chew in my mouth when I did any of those things. Eventually after time, I found that I might be mowing or fishing for 30 minutes or more before the thought popped into my head. Somewhere along the line my brain finally stopped thinking about chew when I was doing those things. Oh sure, chew still pops into my head every once in awhile. But, it is a completely different thing now. I can't really explain it.
1,059 days in and I still post roll. I do it because I don't want to forget where I have been. Complacency will always be an addict's enemy.
I repost the George Santayana quote below every once in awhile just to keep it at the top of my introduction page. I feel like it helps me to read it and think about what it means to me from time to time. Maybe it will help someone else too.
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“Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it” -- George Santayana
Perhaps George Santayana was a recovering addict himself. It sure sounds like he knew a thing or two about the subject. I can't tell you how many times I have failed in my attempts to quit in the past because I let myself forget just how addicted I am to the nicotine bitch.
George Santayana (1863-1952) was a Spanish born American author and philosopher. It is believed the above quote originated with George, but I have seen some sources that think the quote pre dates George by a few years. For me, it doesn’t really matter who said it first. The words of wisdom contained in the quote should be something memorized by every single addict that is working on recovery. Because when you truly see those words for what they are, you will understand those eleven words are actually a map that will guide any and all recovering addicts to the elusive treasure we all seek. And that treasure is none other than freedom from the chains of addiction.
So, why does KTC work and what does KTC mean to me?
Whether you use KTC to post and ghost roll every day or you fully engorge yourself with gallons and gallons of the kool aid, the successful recovering addict is using KTC to remember their past. They may not consciously realize what they are doing, but they are keeping their addiction front and center in their thoughts every time they visit KTC. By doing this, they are lessening the chance they will repeat their past failures. The daily ritual of visiting KTC keeps us from forgetting that we are addicts. It stops complacency dead in her tracks. And thus it keeps us from falling back down the rabbit hole we call addiction. For some people, simply visiting and posting roll every day is enough. Others may need to interact a little more. And still others may need to completely submerge themselves in the refreshing waters of brotherhood. Every one of us is different and every one of us is the same. Some need the phone calls and the accountability, others just need a safe place to read and reflect.
KTC may mean different things to different people. But, it also means the same thing to all of us. I will never forget where I have been, and I will never forget why I left. That is the pledge I silently make to myself every morning when I post roll call in April ‘18. Because I know if I ever let myself forget that I am an addict I will soon find myself on my proverbial knees again suckling at the teat of Big Tobacco.
