Last week I hit some milestones 45 days, 50 days, been a long time since I have gone that many days without a chew. It was also a tough week. I coach college football and on Good Friday we got news that our starting LBer from this past season had passed away in his sleep in his dorm.Very tough news, a sad week for all of us. He was healthy and preparing for the NFL draft - no drugs, no alcohol, nothing like that found in his system. A great kid with a great smile and a big heart. God needed a tough ass LBer on his team I guess.
Friday, day 49 for me I received news that one of my former college teammates and one of my roommates in the dorm my freshman year - was shot and killed in his house along with his girlfriend - a 3:30am home robbery on Easter Sunday. Guess the big man upstairs needed a bad ass DE.
I write this all not for sympathy or anything else, I write this for later down the road - to look back on and not just remember 2 great people taken from this world early - but because through it all, flying to Florida yesterday (Day 50) for the funeral, sitting in the church trying to make sense of it all knowing that we cannot make sense of God's plan, we can only trust and have faith. But, I thought about my quit and what does it mean in the grand scheme of things. Does it really matter if I chew or not. I mean, these two deaths were completely unexplainable - nothing they did caused it, it was their time, God's plan. You hear all the time, from addicts, justifying their addiction, hell, I used to use it - gotta die from something, probably get cancer from something simple like Milk or apples, whatever - or die in a car wreck on the way to work in the morning. Does it really matter that I quit?
I sat on the plane home from the funeral and had a can of Copenhagen passed up right in front of me and honestly, I had no urge to chew. No desire, no feeling sorry for myself sympathy dip. But I did think hard about life and death, and chewing, and God's plan. I don't want a chew right now, I am not craving for a chew right now, but like the weather outside, I feel dark and gloomy. Not sad and teary eyed, but just slow moving, dark and gloomy. I'm not a teary eyed, emotional person, for whatever reason I hold all that in, right or wrong, but, yesterday and today quitting just feels different - like it is such a small thing with not much meaning in it.
I am strong in my quit and will not cave - no worries, I give my word. Just hit with a lot of big life questions. I mainly quit for my family, for my kids. And yes, my kids are me, they are the best part of me so I do quit for myself. They are what keep me quit because I do not want my kids having to grow up without me. I also quit for the guys and girls on this site. There is no way I can let any of you down, not at this point. It would kill me if a June brother threw in the towel - we are important to each other. You all are another main reason I stay quit.
Lost for more words so ending this now. When I look back on this I want to remember that through all of life's major challenges this past week, I did it without Copenhagen, I did not crave or need Copenhagen to make any of it better, and I am proud to say that not once did I ever consider using the challenges as an excuse to cave. I can make it through anything - as long as I give my word and my commitment that I will quit for TODAY. This site is important to me because without it, and without all of you I could not have done this by myself. You all were on that plane with me and when that can was passed up, you all were there keeping me from grabbing it and caving. Thank you to all. I AM PROUD to be QUIT and PROUD to be a member of KTC and proud to be a June Quit brother. I apologize if this sounds like an emotional train wreck (if anyone has read this much) but felt like getting it out there, in my so called journal, so that down the road I may look back and say - FUCK YOU COPENHAGEN, I DON'T NEED YOU!!!
