Hi, I'm James and plain and simple its been a struggle. I quit after 13 years going from a pinch from cans hidden in the bathroom during showers, so my parents couldn't catch me. to a can a day. to I couldn't even tell you because I'd just keep 2-5 logs in the freezer at all times. I hit 26 years old and realized I had been dipping for as many years as I had not. Granted there were a lot of quit attempts, making it a week, making it a month, switching from cope to days of work for almost 6 months. I told my then fiance that I was quitting after the wedding....great idea btw...nothing like putting them through the ringer with that "for better or worse" line right off the bat. But it was worth it. At least I ended up smartening up and waited until after the honeymoon. Didn't wanna ruin Italy with my miserable withdrawal period.JGromo, a lot to take in there, let me do my best, first time on KTC?
The first few months sucked. Everyone knows that. But even after it got better some days really still feel like those first few. I know its a bitch to kick the habit but you would think after a year and 3 months I'd be free and clear of the urges.
The problem is there are a lot of things I blame on quitting. I never experienced the bad effects of chew personally and I didn't want to quit for strong reasons I wanted to quit because I knew it was only a matter of time. Now for me I had used nicotine as a way to avoid learning how to handle stress and anxiety during my teen years. About 6 months after quitting I had a severe mental breakdown and had to switch to a new more Dr approved drug to use daily. at least its cheaper. I've also put on about 90 lbs since I quit, pure fat. I hate everything about quitting still. I still dunno what to do with myself on long drives. i still crave it insanely badly at Giants games. Some days it almost feels like I am hoping for a disease with an expiration date attached so I can just say "Fuck it I'm gonna die anyway, might as well go down with a dip in my lip"
Let me apologize now, that is insensitive to people that actually have that. No I'm not suicidal. I just want an excuse to start again very badly and that has been one of many thoughts my brain throws out to get me to start. It's an agreement I have with myself that if I get diagnosed with a certain amount of years I'm going back to chew. I've also had some small backslides, occasionally when drunk I've had the "Well Red Man isn't really chew" or "It's snuss/cigerettes/cigars not dip, doesn't count"
Anyway, just don't have many people to talk about this with because honestly I'm the only one of my friends that has made it passed the fabled 100 days mark. Anyone out there with a few years experience does this shit get better? LOL Do many of you backslide when you are drunk? Has anyone found a good way to get around the getting fat issue, cause if I get any fatter it's gonna kill me faster than the chew would have anyway, and diets are having less effect now it seems like. Mostly just thank you for having an outlet to rant in because my wife does not understand how I still have urges after so long, and doesn't understand the strength of these urges.
Hi, I'm James and plain and simple its been a struggle. I quit after 13 years going from a pinch from cans hidden in the bathroom during showers, so my parents couldn't catch me. to a can a day. to I couldn't even tell you because I'd just keep 2-5 logs in the freezer at all times. I hit 26 years old and realized I had been dipping for as many years as I had not. Granted there were a lot of quit attempts, making it a week, making it a month, switching from cope to days of work for almost 6 months. I told my then fiance that I was quitting after the wedding....great idea btw...nothing like putting them through the ringer with that "for better or worse" line right off the bat. But it was worth it. At least I ended up smartening up and waited until after the honeymoon. Didn't wanna ruin Italy with my miserable withdrawal period.Hi James,
The first few months sucked. Everyone knows that. But even after it got better some days really still feel like those first few. I know its a bitch to kick the habit but you would think after a year and 3 months I'd be free and clear of the urges.
The problem is there are a lot of things I blame on quitting. I never experienced the bad effects of chew personally and I didn't want to quit for strong reasons I wanted to quit because I knew it was only a matter of time. Now for me I had used nicotine as a way to avoid learning how to handle stress and anxiety during my teen years. About 6 months after quitting I had a severe mental breakdown and had to switch to a new more Dr approved drug to use daily. at least its cheaper. I've also put on about 90 lbs since I quit, pure fat. I hate everything about quitting still. I still dunno what to do with myself on long drives. i still crave it insanely badly at Giants games. Some days it almost feels like I am hoping for a disease with an expiration date attached so I can just say "Fuck it I'm gonna die anyway, might as well go down with a dip in my lip"
Let me apologize now, that is insensitive to people that actually have that. No I'm not suicidal. I just want an excuse to start again very badly and that has been one of many thoughts my brain throws out to get me to start. It's an agreement I have with myself that if I get diagnosed with a certain amount of years I'm going back to chew. I've also had some small backslides, occasionally when drunk I've had the "Well Red Man isn't really chew" or "It's snuss/cigerettes/cigars not dip, doesn't count"
Anyway, just don't have many people to talk about this with because honestly I'm the only one of my friends that has made it passed the fabled 100 days mark. Anyone out there with a few years experience does this shit get better? LOL Do many of you backslide when you are drunk? Has anyone found a good way to get around the getting fat issue, cause if I get any fatter it's gonna kill me faster than the chew would have anyway, and diets are having less effect now it seems like. Mostly just thank you for having an outlet to rant in because my wife does not understand how I still have urges after so long, and doesn't understand the strength of these urges.
And what Spuds said is good too :DQuote from: JGromoHi, I'm James and plain and simple its been a struggle. I quit after 13 years going from a pinch from cans hidden in the bathroom during showers, so my parents couldn't catch me. to a can a day. to I couldn't even tell you because I'd just keep 2-5 logs in the freezer at all times. I hit 26 years old and realized I had been dipping for as many years as I had not. Granted there were a lot of quit attempts, making it a week, making it a month, switching from cope to days of work for almost 6 months. I told my then fiance that I was quitting after the wedding....great idea btw...nothing like putting them through the ringer with that "for better or worse" line right off the bat. But it was worth it. At least I ended up smartening up and waited until after the honeymoon. Didn't wanna ruin Italy with my miserable withdrawal period.JGromo, a lot to take in there, let me do my best, first time on KTC?
The first few months sucked. Everyone knows that. But even after it got better some days really still feel like those first few. I know its a bitch to kick the habit but you would think after a year and 3 months I'd be free and clear of the urges.
The problem is there are a lot of things I blame on quitting. I never experienced the bad effects of chew personally and I didn't want to quit for strong reasons I wanted to quit because I knew it was only a matter of time. Now for me I had used nicotine as a way to avoid learning how to handle stress and anxiety during my teen years. About 6 months after quitting I had a severe mental breakdown and had to switch to a new more Dr approved drug to use daily. at least its cheaper. I've also put on about 90 lbs since I quit, pure fat. I hate everything about quitting still. I still dunno what to do with myself on long drives. i still crave it insanely badly at Giants games. Some days it almost feels like I am hoping for a disease with an expiration date attached so I can just say "Fuck it I'm gonna die anyway, might as well go down with a dip in my lip"
Let me apologize now, that is insensitive to people that actually have that. No I'm not suicidal. I just want an excuse to start again very badly and that has been one of many thoughts my brain throws out to get me to start. It's an agreement I have with myself that if I get diagnosed with a certain amount of years I'm going back to chew. I've also had some small backslides, occasionally when drunk I've had the "Well Red Man isn't really chew" or "It's snuss/cigerettes/cigars not dip, doesn't count"
Anyway, just don't have many people to talk about this with because honestly I'm the only one of my friends that has made it passed the fabled 100 days mark. Anyone out there with a few years experience does this shit get better? LOL Do many of you backslide when you are drunk? Has anyone found a good way to get around the getting fat issue, cause if I get any fatter it's gonna kill me faster than the chew would have anyway, and diets are having less effect now it seems like. Mostly just thank you for having an outlet to rant in because my wife does not understand how I still have urges after so long, and doesn't understand the strength of these urges.
1. you passed the 100 days without posting every day on KTC, that is badass, however, I would find your group and start posting, why? see no 2.
2. We are all addicts here and we will self-sabotage and convince ourselves that we can only have just one??? but KTC provides a community and support group to hold each other accountable, I am 1,258 days quit I post every day.
3. read up and on all the stories here, chances are that someone has had a similar story or journey.
4. Chewing and nicotine, hide underlying issues and now your brain is rewiring and that will cause a lot of anxiety and issues to arise, work through them and get all the expert help you need. exercise and improve yourself
5. Nicotine will try to convince you that it would be better with a chew, remember the good old days of chewing... BS, you were controlled by nicotine and a poison, who wants that.
6. it gets tons better, each day and month it is easier and craving subside. You learn you don't need to chew to have fun normal things, like driving, fishing, golfing, etc.
you have quit for 100+ days but chewed for 13 years? be patient and invest in your quit
Yeah first time posting on KTC, been obsessed with doing everything myself initially and it has definitely gotten to the point where I am clearly not able to.Quote from: JGromoHi, I'm James and plain and simple its been a struggle. I quit after 13 years going from a pinch from cans hidden in the bathroom during showers, so my parents couldn't catch me. to a can a day. to I couldn't even tell you because I'd just keep 2-5 logs in the freezer at all times. I hit 26 years old and realized I had been dipping for as many years as I had not. Granted there were a lot of quit attempts, making it a week, making it a month, switching from cope to days of work for almost 6 months. I told my then fiance that I was quitting after the wedding....great idea btw...nothing like putting them through the ringer with that "for better or worse" line right off the bat. But it was worth it. At least I ended up smartening up and waited until after the honeymoon. Didn't wanna ruin Italy with my miserable withdrawal period.JGromo, a lot to take in there, let me do my best, first time on KTC?
The first few months sucked. Everyone knows that. But even after it got better some days really still feel like those first few. I know its a bitch to kick the habit but you would think after a year and 3 months I'd be free and clear of the urges.
The problem is there are a lot of things I blame on quitting. I never experienced the bad effects of chew personally and I didn't want to quit for strong reasons I wanted to quit because I knew it was only a matter of time. Now for me I had used nicotine as a way to avoid learning how to handle stress and anxiety during my teen years. About 6 months after quitting I had a severe mental breakdown and had to switch to a new more Dr approved drug to use daily. at least its cheaper. I've also put on about 90 lbs since I quit, pure fat. I hate everything about quitting still. I still dunno what to do with myself on long drives. i still crave it insanely badly at Giants games. Some days it almost feels like I am hoping for a disease with an expiration date attached so I can just say "Fuck it I'm gonna die anyway, might as well go down with a dip in my lip"
Let me apologize now, that is insensitive to people that actually have that. No I'm not suicidal. I just want an excuse to start again very badly and that has been one of many thoughts my brain throws out to get me to start. It's an agreement I have with myself that if I get diagnosed with a certain amount of years I'm going back to chew. I've also had some small backslides, occasionally when drunk I've had the "Well Red Man isn't really chew" or "It's snuss/cigerettes/cigars not dip, doesn't count"
Anyway, just don't have many people to talk about this with because honestly I'm the only one of my friends that has made it passed the fabled 100 days mark. Anyone out there with a few years experience does this shit get better? LOL Do many of you backslide when you are drunk? Has anyone found a good way to get around the getting fat issue, cause if I get any fatter it's gonna kill me faster than the chew would have anyway, and diets are having less effect now it seems like. Mostly just thank you for having an outlet to rant in because my wife does not understand how I still have urges after so long, and doesn't understand the strength of these urges.
1. you passed the 100 days without posting every day on KTC, that is badass, however, I would find your group and start posting, why? see no 2.
2. We are all addicts here and we will self-sabotage and convince ourselves that we can only have just one??? but KTC provides a community and support group to hold each other accountable, I am 1,258 days quit I post every day.
3. read up and on all the stories here, chances are that someone has had a similar story or journey.
4. Chewing and nicotine, hide underlying issues and now your brain is rewiring and that will cause a lot of anxiety and issues to arise, work through them and get all the expert help you need. exercise and improve yourself
5. Nicotine will try to convince you that it would be better with a chew, remember the good old days of chewing... BS, you were controlled by nicotine and a poison, who wants that.
6. it gets tons better, each day and month it is easier and craving subside. You learn you don't need to chew to have fun normal things, like driving, fishing, golfing, etc.
you have quit for 100+ days but chewed for 13 years? be patient and invest in your quit
Technically then my quit date was not that long ago. Smoked cigars with my brother-in-law on their pregnancy announcement and again on my dad's birthday. cigarettes at the Christmas party as well as a half dozen times last year. I have updated my profile with the true last time I ingested nicotine.Quote from: JGromoHi, I'm James and plain and simple its been a struggle. I quit after 13 years going from a pinch from cans hidden in the bathroom during showers, so my parents couldn't catch me. to a can a day. to I couldn't even tell you because I'd just keep 2-5 logs in the freezer at all times. I hit 26 years old and realized I had been dipping for as many years as I had not. Granted there were a lot of quit attempts, making it a week, making it a month, switching from cope to days of work for almost 6 months. I told my then fiance that I was quitting after the wedding....great idea btw...nothing like putting them through the ringer with that "for better or worse" line right off the bat. But it was worth it. At least I ended up smartening up and waited until after the honeymoon. Didn't wanna ruin Italy with my miserable withdrawal period.Hi James,
The first few months sucked. Everyone knows that. But even after it got better some days really still feel like those first few. I know its a bitch to kick the habit but you would think after a year and 3 months I'd be free and clear of the urges.
The problem is there are a lot of things I blame on quitting. I never experienced the bad effects of chew personally and I didn't want to quit for strong reasons I wanted to quit because I knew it was only a matter of time. Now for me I had used nicotine as a way to avoid learning how to handle stress and anxiety during my teen years. About 6 months after quitting I had a severe mental breakdown and had to switch to a new more Dr approved drug to use daily. at least its cheaper. I've also put on about 90 lbs since I quit, pure fat. I hate everything about quitting still. I still dunno what to do with myself on long drives. i still crave it insanely badly at Giants games. Some days it almost feels like I am hoping for a disease with an expiration date attached so I can just say "Fuck it I'm gonna die anyway, might as well go down with a dip in my lip"
Let me apologize now, that is insensitive to people that actually have that. No I'm not suicidal. I just want an excuse to start again very badly and that has been one of many thoughts my brain throws out to get me to start. It's an agreement I have with myself that if I get diagnosed with a certain amount of years I'm going back to chew. I've also had some small backslides, occasionally when drunk I've had the "Well Red Man isn't really chew" or "It's snuss/cigerettes/cigars not dip, doesn't count"
Anyway, just don't have many people to talk about this with because honestly I'm the only one of my friends that has made it passed the fabled 100 days mark. Anyone out there with a few years experience does this shit get better? LOL Do many of you backslide when you are drunk? Has anyone found a good way to get around the getting fat issue, cause if I get any fatter it's gonna kill me faster than the chew would have anyway, and diets are having less effect now it seems like. Mostly just thank you for having an outlet to rant in because my wife does not understand how I still have urges after so long, and doesn't understand the strength of these urges.
I'm Chris. I chewed 3 cans a day for over 30 years. I am on day 8 of my quit. My favorite saying about excuses is, "Excuses are like ass holes, everyone has one and they ALL stink".
This site has helped and is helping so many people stay quit from chew. It is the promise that you make every day to yourself and to everyone on this site when post Roll in the morning.
Is November 2016 the last time you had nicotine? when ever the last time was that you ingested nicotine in any form, that is your true quit date. Everything before was just a break.
Use this sites many resources, get phone numbers from other members that you can reach out to if are struggling. I will PM mine to you when I'm done writing. Find out what your Roll group is and post roll every damn day.
I know there are guys here that have been off nicotine for years but still get urges occasionally. It is something we will all have to live with for the rest of our lives I'm afraid to say.
As for the weight gain, join a gym. If you were talking Giants baseball, then you live somewhere in the bay area I assume? Weather there is compatible for walking outside. Take your wife on evening walks for a couple miles three or four times a week and you will see the weight come down. Change your snacks to more healthy options. I used to have a 3 pound bag of peanut MM's next to my couch to help with cravings. After the first 3 days, I switched that to trail mix. I gained like 4 pounds just from the MM's.
It's all about choices, what you choose to eat, how you choose exercise, etc. The only thing that is not a choice is NICOTINE. You are NOT allowed to even look at a can of chew.
Alright, enough of that. I'm very glad you have chosen to quit. It is the right decision. Like I said before, post Roll every day, make that promise to NOT use nicotine every morning when you get up. If you need support, call someone, me included, or come on to this site and post something that says you need help. Someone will help you.
Okay, I'm done. I'll PM you my digits. Call or text anytime.
Chris
^^^ Thats pretty badass for someone who just started here to be extending a lifeline.True quit date is a whole lot more recent than november of 2016 then. I've corrected it. Once its been pointed out as a cave its blatantly obvious to me that it was not just a backslide but falling into a pattern. Once I was made to think of when I caved I realized that they had been growing in amount over the last year, from nothing for probably 6 months, to once, to once a month, to once every few weeks, so thank you and Chris for that wake up. Guess I'm on day 10 not year 2.
Like Spuds said, that is alot to take in... what the heck is a "backslide"? That is what we call a cave around here. You either ingest nicotine, or you don't. Suck it up brother, it's as simple as that. What is your true quit date?
As far as your weight gain, it is normal to put on pounds. But you gotta be in the mindset to get a handle on one addiction before you move to another. Baby steps... get that mindset of being a badass, and NEVER going back to nicotine. Once you have that steel resolve, turn that badass motivation to something else like working out.
These halls are littered with people. We are all addicts like you. And it has been tough for most of us. But I wouldn't trade my 361 days free for nuthin.
You can do this. One Day At A Time
All righty then,Quote from: chris2alaskaTechnically then my quit date was not that long ago. Smoked cigars with my brother-in-law on their pregnancy announcement and again on my dad's birthday. cigarettes at the Christmas party as well as a half dozen times last year. I have updated my profile with the true last time I ingested nicotine.Quote from: JGromoHi, I'm James and plain and simple its been a struggle. I quit after 13 years going from a pinch from cans hidden in the bathroom during showers, so my parents couldn't catch me. to a can a day. to I couldn't even tell you because I'd just keep 2-5 logs in the freezer at all times. I hit 26 years old and realized I had been dipping for as many years as I had not. Granted there were a lot of quit attempts, making it a week, making it a month, switching from cope to days of work for almost 6 months. I told my then fiance that I was quitting after the wedding....great idea btw...nothing like putting them through the ringer with that "for better or worse" line right off the bat. But it was worth it. At least I ended up smartening up and waited until after the honeymoon. Didn't wanna ruin Italy with my miserable withdrawal period.Hi James,
The first few months sucked. Everyone knows that. But even after it got better some days really still feel like those first few. I know its a bitch to kick the habit but you would think after a year and 3 months I'd be free and clear of the urges.
The problem is there are a lot of things I blame on quitting. I never experienced the bad effects of chew personally and I didn't want to quit for strong reasons I wanted to quit because I knew it was only a matter of time. Now for me I had used nicotine as a way to avoid learning how to handle stress and anxiety during my teen years. About 6 months after quitting I had a severe mental breakdown and had to switch to a new more Dr approved drug to use daily. at least its cheaper. I've also put on about 90 lbs since I quit, pure fat. I hate everything about quitting still. I still dunno what to do with myself on long drives. i still crave it insanely badly at Giants games. Some days it almost feels like I am hoping for a disease with an expiration date attached so I can just say "Fuck it I'm gonna die anyway, might as well go down with a dip in my lip"
Let me apologize now, that is insensitive to people that actually have that. No I'm not suicidal. I just want an excuse to start again very badly and that has been one of many thoughts my brain throws out to get me to start. It's an agreement I have with myself that if I get diagnosed with a certain amount of years I'm going back to chew. I've also had some small backslides, occasionally when drunk I've had the "Well Red Man isn't really chew" or "It's snuss/cigerettes/cigars not dip, doesn't count"
Anyway, just don't have many people to talk about this with because honestly I'm the only one of my friends that has made it passed the fabled 100 days mark. Anyone out there with a few years experience does this shit get better? LOL Do many of you backslide when you are drunk? Has anyone found a good way to get around the getting fat issue, cause if I get any fatter it's gonna kill me faster than the chew would have anyway, and diets are having less effect now it seems like. Mostly just thank you for having an outlet to rant in because my wife does not understand how I still have urges after so long, and doesn't understand the strength of these urges.
I'm Chris. I chewed 3 cans a day for over 30 years. I am on day 8 of my quit. My favorite saying about excuses is, "Excuses are like ass holes, everyone has one and they ALL stink".
This site has helped and is helping so many people stay quit from chew. It is the promise that you make every day to yourself and to everyone on this site when post Roll in the morning.
Is November 2016 the last time you had nicotine? when ever the last time was that you ingested nicotine in any form, that is your true quit date. Everything before was just a break.
Use this sites many resources, get phone numbers from other members that you can reach out to if are struggling. I will PM mine to you when I'm done writing. Find out what your Roll group is and post roll every damn day.
I know there are guys here that have been off nicotine for years but still get urges occasionally. It is something we will all have to live with for the rest of our lives I'm afraid to say.
As for the weight gain, join a gym. If you were talking Giants baseball, then you live somewhere in the bay area I assume? Weather there is compatible for walking outside. Take your wife on evening walks for a couple miles three or four times a week and you will see the weight come down. Change your snacks to more healthy options. I used to have a 3 pound bag of peanut MM's next to my couch to help with cravings. After the first 3 days, I switched that to trail mix. I gained like 4 pounds just from the MM's.
It's all about choices, what you choose to eat, how you choose exercise, etc. The only thing that is not a choice is NICOTINE. You are NOT allowed to even look at a can of chew.
Alright, enough of that. I'm very glad you have chosen to quit. It is the right decision. Like I said before, post Roll every day, make that promise to NOT use nicotine every morning when you get up. If you need support, call someone, me included, or come on to this site and post something that says you need help. Someone will help you.
Okay, I'm done. I'll PM you my digits. Call or text anytime.
Chris
Thank you. For the PM and especially for calling me on my shit.
Hi bro.^^^ Badass free advice from a major winner here. I'm closing in on 900 days of winning after 35 years of losing. You can do this!
Does it get better? IÂ’m on day 1,860. And IÂ’ve never, ever been happier. Nicotine fucks with your head. It messes with dopamine, hormones, blood sugar...it is a major drug. Every time you use it you reset those effects... you need to stop playing with Fire. And it sounds like you have. Im posting because your intro sounds like the words of a winner (in training), and I love winning... so hereÂ’s my input...
You have been trying to quit alone. Your wife doesnÂ’t get this. How could she? Few girls spit in bottles and have lips shoved full of tobacco. Very few. So she doesnÂ’t understand that a can of dip has as much nicotine as 3 packs of smokes. 3 packs. That, sir, is fucked up. Your friends are still dipping, so they donÂ’t get it.
We get it. HereÂ’s some truths... in order to succeed, you have to quit. Not halfway quit. You have to quit. Everyday you have to promise yourself that for the day you will be clean. And you have to mean it. You need some contacts. Guys that are new that are in you shoes (like skolviking) and guys that have been in your shoes in the past that know the freedom that is ahead. Exercise helps a ton - getting on a treadmill and sweating up a storm helps you forget the pain that today might be. But... ultimately winning at this, and it might take some time, requires a major change to your thought process. In every war there are periods of exhaustion. Depression. Desperation. But at some point winning becomes paramount. You know and feel and can see that you are getting closer. Are there still bad days? Yeah. ItÂ’s like doing 500# leg presses. For a few days your legs hurt so bad... but they hurt so good. You are probably thinking IÂ’m crazy. ThatÂ’s ok dude. I love winning. And once you start changing your mindset and accept and celebrate your victory, this will get easier.
Shoot me a pm if I can help. IÂ’d be happy to share a phone number.
You can do this. Winning together is so much easier and more fun than struggling alone.
I wanted to thank you guys for making me see the light and join a group.^^ glad you're on board, you will never regret quitting
'boob'
Heres some tits to show my appreciation.
If anyone ever needs to talk through shit or just wants to bullshit, I'll always respond to my inbox.
I'm starting to finally realize I can't do it on my own because if I could I'd be 2-3-6-7-10 years clean right now. I've had the same exact results every time that I've attempted to quit. Every time. I get drunk I smoke a cigarette/cigar. its a one time thing wont happen again, a month down the road I get drunk smoke a cigarette, shit alright well its ok to smoke one when I'm drunk, a month down the road now I'm chain smoking when I drink. another couple weeks I'm smoking when I'm not drinking. a couple weeks I'm hiding spitters from my wife. a couple weeks later she finds one so I'm chewing in front of her after a couple hours of arguing. But only one a day, hardly counts righhtt? and then its only after work and after the gym. and then its only lunch after work and after the gym. then I'm back to a tin a day and slowly committing suicide. I honestly do not even know how I did not notice what the fuck I was doing. EACH TIME. Caving once makes it easier to cave the second, third, tenth fiftieth times...each growing exponentially easier to cave until your standing in line pointing out the right fucking can to the cashier and saying "Eh let me just get a log"Quote from: JGromoI wanted to thank you guys for making me see the light and join a group.^^ glad you're on board, you will never regret quitting
'boob'
Heres some tits to show my appreciation.
If anyone ever needs to talk through shit or just wants to bullshit, I'll always respond to my inbox.
Quitting as a team is so much easier and more fun than quitting alone.Quote from: IdahoI'm starting to finally realize I can't do it on my own because if I could I'd be 2-3-6-7-10 years clean right now. I've had the same exact results every time that I've attempted to quit. Every time. I get drunk I smoke a cigarette/cigar. its a one time thing wont happen again, a month down the road I get drunk smoke a cigarette, shit alright well its ok to smoke one when I'm drunk, a month down the road now I'm chain smoking when I drink. another couple weeks I'm smoking when I'm not drinking. a couple weeks I'm hiding spitters from my wife. a couple weeks later she finds one so I'm chewing in front of her after a couple hours of arguing. But only one a day, hardly counts righhtt? and then its only after work and after the gym. and then its only lunch after work and after the gym. then I'm back to a tin a day and slowly committing suicide. I honestly do not even know how I did not notice what the fuck I was doing. EACH TIME. Caving once makes it easier to cave the second, third, tenth fiftieth times...each growing exponentially easier to cave until your standing in line pointing out the right fucking can to the cashier and saying "Eh let me just get a log"Quote from: JGromoI wanted to thank you guys for making me see the light and join a group.^^ glad you're on board, you will never regret quitting
'boob'
Heres some tits to show my appreciation.
If anyone ever needs to talk through shit or just wants to bullshit, I'll always respond to my inbox.
I swear to God...one more thing I'm gonna fuckin murder someone today lol. First a pipe breaks. Have to shut off all water to the house...luckily I cought it in about two minutes. Bought a new welcome mat and it saved me several Gs on buying a new pump.... Then the fridge that I got fucking fixed Today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Is leaking water again. And I gotta wait til tomorrow to fucking yell at someone.There are days that just suck. Sure sounds like yesterday was one of them!
I'm gonna need that luck. threw a bandaid on the pipe and got it fixed. Had to replace the damn thing anyway, so it just made it to first on the list. Just fried. No energy to do what needs to get done. Slacking off at work, gotta go yell at someone after work and I'm not even looking forward to it. LOLQuote from: JGromoI swear to God...one more thing I'm gonna fuckin murder someone today lol. First a pipe breaks. Have to shut off all water to the house...luckily I cought it in about two minutes. Bought a new welcome mat and it saved me several Gs on buying a new pump.... Then the fridge that I got fucking fixed Today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Is leaking water again. And I gotta wait til tomorrow to fucking yell at someone.There are days that just suck. Sure sounds like yesterday was one of them!
Nicotine doesnÂ’t help fix pipes or refrigerators. It will help you withdraw from reality for a few minutes, and it will kill you if you use it long enough. Life is a roller coaster full of ups and downs. Nicotine dulls both the highs and the lows. It seems so hard at first to face these challenging moments (lows) and joyous moments (highs) because our brain isnÂ’t used to these emotions. One day at a time youÂ’ll get there.
Good luck with the repairs today.
Keep going brother! No one will ever tell you that they regretted quitting tobacco regardless of how hard the first few weeks were. 24 hours and one day at a time. You can do this!The stronger the suck, the stronger the quitter. Embrace it! Problem = one, problem + nic= 2 problems
Brain keeps throwing things at me, giving me reasons to cave. It's really annoying. I want to be able to justify cigars. It's not that I want a cigar right the fuck now. Don't get me wrong I do want a cigar right the fuck now. But I keep thinking if I stay quit if I am zero tolerance to myself I wont be able to smoke a cigar when my nephew is born, then that makes me think what about When I have a son. When that son kills his first buck, I wont be able to smoke a cigar with him for the first time. Wont be able to smoke with him when he graduates. at his wedding day. when he has a son.Oh dude... take a deep breath.
I want those memories badly. Those are some great memories I have smoking a cigar with my dad, sitting around the campfire, talking about the hunt. My brain wants me to think I can't have those memories without cigars in them. Why can't it be whiskey? Why can't instead of breaking out a handful of 50$ cigars I dont just break out a bottle of high quality whiskey?
I dont know why I want those but I am worried about those days. I'm terrified of the cave, I'm terrified of waking up at day one in my 40's... when the desire for those memories are too strong on a drunken night of celebrating. It makes me sad to not be able to have those memories in my future, how I ruined the possibilities of those memories by putting that poison in my lip. If I could have just left it to a cigar here and there I wouldn't be where I sit today.
Weird head space today. Anyway...just wanted to type out the thoughts maybe I can leave them on paper. All these hypotheticals trying to get me to cave. If we wanna go hypotheticals lets say I have a son and I dont cave...lets say he gets married and I stay clean. Lets say he has a son...wouldn't it be better for me to see the memories he gets to make with his own son then make some romanticized unimportant memories that realistically are just mind games my nicotine obsessed brain is trying to mind fuck me with...better than laying under the dirt and him saying to his son "Well this is your grandpa, boy I remember all those fun nights sitting around a campfire smoking cigars...wasn't so fun at the hospital" Like I said weird head-space. Not caving, not even close to caving. Just...dunno...trapped in my own fucking head.
To magnify W2W (who is a bad ass mother trucker)....... One thought that kills me is when my first son was just born 3 years ago. I was amazed.... I was exalted... I was star struck.... I was fucking tired. My beautiful wife was working her ass off taking care of our newborn. I tried to help as much as I could, but I was NOT a good baby guy. I remember sitting in his room, rocking him, reading to him, obviously with a dip in, trying to get him to fall asleep so mama could get a few more hours rest. My wife and I tried for 9 years to have children on our own to no avail... finally we made the decision for IVF and were blessed with our first son. I am sitting there, feeling blessed, thinking about all the hardship we went through, thinking about the exorbitant amount of money we spent to be parents..... and next... in this moment... this special moment... I had to spit. I put him down, he cried and I spit. Fucking selfish, fucking stupid, and I will take that moment to my grave. I am quit, you are my quit brotha and you fucking call me before a cig, a dip, a cigar, or a fucking vap. We both have way too many positive memories to make together to alleviate all the bad ones we have made with poison in our mouths. I think of every damn picture of the last 18 years and I had a freaking dip in. Always here brotha... reach out and let's do this.Quote from: JGromoBrain keeps throwing things at me, giving me reasons to cave. It's really annoying. I want to be able to justify cigars. It's not that I want a cigar right the fuck now. Don't get me wrong I do want a cigar right the fuck now. But I keep thinking if I stay quit if I am zero tolerance to myself I wont be able to smoke a cigar when my nephew is born, then that makes me think what about When I have a son. When that son kills his first buck, I wont be able to smoke a cigar with him for the first time. Wont be able to smoke with him when he graduates. at his wedding day. when he has a son.Oh dude... take a deep breath.
I want those memories badly. Those are some great memories I have smoking a cigar with my dad, sitting around the campfire, talking about the hunt. My brain wants me to think I can't have those memories without cigars in them. Why can't it be whiskey? Why can't instead of breaking out a handful of 50$ cigars I dont just break out a bottle of high quality whiskey?
I dont know why I want those but I am worried about those days. I'm terrified of the cave, I'm terrified of waking up at day one in my 40's... when the desire for those memories are too strong on a drunken night of celebrating. It makes me sad to not be able to have those memories in my future, how I ruined the possibilities of those memories by putting that poison in my lip. If I could have just left it to a cigar here and there I wouldn't be where I sit today.
Weird head space today. Anyway...just wanted to type out the thoughts maybe I can leave them on paper. All these hypotheticals trying to get me to cave. If we wanna go hypotheticals lets say I have a son and I dont cave...lets say he gets married and I stay clean. Lets say he has a son...wouldn't it be better for me to see the memories he gets to make with his own son then make some romanticized unimportant memories that realistically are just mind games my nicotine obsessed brain is trying to mind fuck me with...better than laying under the dirt and him saying to his son "Well this is your grandpa, boy I remember all those fun nights sitting around a campfire smoking cigars...wasn't so fun at the hospital" Like I said weird head-space. Not caving, not even close to caving. Just...dunno...trapped in my own fucking head.
First things first... nicotine doesnÂ’t make memories with your dad. Or you future son. Dude I promise you that you know non cigar smoking sons and fathers that have great memories of times with each other. Nicotine doesnÂ’t make life easier. Or more fun. It doesnÂ’t make you smarter. Or happier. It gives you a quick buzz and then tricks you into thinking it makes you happy. How you feel right now is what nicotine really does to you. And one day soon you are gonnacread your post and think... whoa James, you sound like one mega fucked up junkie.
Second, we donÂ’t quit for tomorrow. Or for Grandna SallyÂ’s 100th Birthday. Or your future sons birth. We quit for today. And only for today. We canÂ’t change the past, so there is no point worrying about the past. We canÂ’t control the future, so why worry about that? But we can and do own and focus on our actions today - and today we fucking own our behavior and we celebrate our win!
You know what would make your dad happy? Imagine sitting around the fire and telling him, after a successful hunt, that you have fought your biggest opponent and won. That you are accomplishing something that only the strongest 20% of people accomplish. That you have quit nicotine. That is a moment of pride. That is winning.
Imagine looking at that future baby son and knowing that you own your decisions and choices, and you are making healthy choices that will allow you to be alive and with a jaw at his graduation and wedding. And you wonÂ’t have a big fucking lip of poison with drool running down your face while you feed him a bottle. Because James, that is what losing looks like. Losing.
Fuck nicotine. It does NOTHING for you. But it does a lot TO you. Think about that and stop romanticizing it. Exercise, sex, lots of water and healthy food, repeat. ThereÂ’s some romantic stuff there that is nicotine free. Put your passions to work and start enjoying the win.
While you are absorbing all this wisdom, think about the day after the cigar.Quote from: worktowinTo magnify W2W (who is a bad ass mother trucker)....... One thought that kills me is when my first son was just born 3 years ago. I was amazed.... I was exalted... I was star struck.... I was fucking tired. My beautiful wife was working her ass off taking care of our newborn. I tried to help as much as I could, but I was NOT a good baby guy. I remember sitting in his room, rocking him, reading to him, obviously with a dip in, trying to get him to fall asleep so mama could get a few more hours rest. My wife and I tried for 9 years to have children on our own to no avail... finally we made the decision for IVF and were blessed with our first son. I am sitting there, feeling blessed, thinking about all the hardship we went through, thinking about the exorbitant amount of money we spent to be parents..... and next... in this moment... this special moment... I had to spit. I put him down, he cried and I spit. Fucking selfish, fucking stupid, and I will take that moment to my grave. I am quit, you are my quit brotha and you fucking call me before a cig, a dip, a cigar, or a fucking vap. We both have way too many positive memories to make together to alleviate all the bad ones we have made with poison in our mouths. I think of every damn picture of the last 18 years and I had a freaking dip in. Always here brotha... reach out and let's do this.Quote from: JGromoBrain keeps throwing things at me, giving me reasons to cave. It's really annoying. I want to be able to justify cigars. It's not that I want a cigar right the fuck now. Don't get me wrong I do want a cigar right the fuck now. But I keep thinking if I stay quit if I am zero tolerance to myself I wont be able to smoke a cigar when my nephew is born, then that makes me think what about When I have a son. When that son kills his first buck, I wont be able to smoke a cigar with him for the first time. Wont be able to smoke with him when he graduates. at his wedding day. when he has a son.Oh dude... take a deep breath.
I want those memories badly. Those are some great memories I have smoking a cigar with my dad, sitting around the campfire, talking about the hunt. My brain wants me to think I can't have those memories without cigars in them. Why can't it be whiskey? Why can't instead of breaking out a handful of 50$ cigars I dont just break out a bottle of high quality whiskey?
I dont know why I want those but I am worried about those days. I'm terrified of the cave, I'm terrified of waking up at day one in my 40's... when the desire for those memories are too strong on a drunken night of celebrating. It makes me sad to not be able to have those memories in my future, how I ruined the possibilities of those memories by putting that poison in my lip. If I could have just left it to a cigar here and there I wouldn't be where I sit today.
Weird head space today. Anyway...just wanted to type out the thoughts maybe I can leave them on paper. All these hypotheticals trying to get me to cave. If we wanna go hypotheticals lets say I have a son and I dont cave...lets say he gets married and I stay clean. Lets say he has a son...wouldn't it be better for me to see the memories he gets to make with his own son then make some romanticized unimportant memories that realistically are just mind games my nicotine obsessed brain is trying to mind fuck me with...better than laying under the dirt and him saying to his son "Well this is your grandpa, boy I remember all those fun nights sitting around a campfire smoking cigars...wasn't so fun at the hospital" Like I said weird head-space. Not caving, not even close to caving. Just...dunno...trapped in my own fucking head.
First things first... nicotine doesnÂ’t make memories with your dad. Or you future son. Dude I promise you that you know non cigar smoking sons and fathers that have great memories of times with each other. Nicotine doesnÂ’t make life easier. Or more fun. It doesnÂ’t make you smarter. Or happier. It gives you a quick buzz and then tricks you into thinking it makes you happy. How you feel right now is what nicotine really does to you. And one day soon you are gonnacread your post and think... whoa James, you sound like one mega fucked up junkie.
Second, we donÂ’t quit for tomorrow. Or for Grandna SallyÂ’s 100th Birthday. Or your future sons birth. We quit for today. And only for today. We canÂ’t change the past, so there is no point worrying about the past. We canÂ’t control the future, so why worry about that? But we can and do own and focus on our actions today - and today we fucking own our behavior and we celebrate our win!
You know what would make your dad happy? Imagine sitting around the fire and telling him, after a successful hunt, that you have fought your biggest opponent and won. That you are accomplishing something that only the strongest 20% of people accomplish. That you have quit nicotine. That is a moment of pride. That is winning.
Imagine looking at that future baby son and knowing that you own your decisions and choices, and you are making healthy choices that will allow you to be alive and with a jaw at his graduation and wedding. And you wonÂ’t have a big fucking lip of poison with drool running down your face while you feed him a bottle. Because James, that is what losing looks like. Losing.
Fuck nicotine. It does NOTHING for you. But it does a lot TO you. Think about that and stop romanticizing it. Exercise, sex, lots of water and healthy food, repeat. ThereÂ’s some romantic stuff there that is nicotine free. Put your passions to work and start enjoying the win.
It's all head trash my friend. Memories are made with people you care for, not addictions. Embracing the moment fully alive with no vice hanging around to taint it. If life were meant to be lived with nicotine, we'd all have come out smoking, dipping, etc. The moment you care more about having that moment with an addiction alongside, you minimize those you care for and compromise that relationship.Quote from: skolvikingsWhile you are absorbing all this wisdom, think about the day after the cigar.Quote from: worktowinTo magnify W2W (who is a bad ass mother trucker)....... One thought that kills me is when my first son was just born 3 years ago. I was amazed.... I was exalted... I was star struck.... I was fucking tired. My beautiful wife was working her ass off taking care of our newborn. I tried to help as much as I could, but I was NOT a good baby guy. I remember sitting in his room, rocking him, reading to him, obviously with a dip in, trying to get him to fall asleep so mama could get a few more hours rest. My wife and I tried for 9 years to have children on our own to no avail... finally we made the decision for IVF and were blessed with our first son. I am sitting there, feeling blessed, thinking about all the hardship we went through, thinking about the exorbitant amount of money we spent to be parents..... and next... in this moment... this special moment... I had to spit. I put him down, he cried and I spit. Fucking selfish, fucking stupid, and I will take that moment to my grave. I am quit, you are my quit brotha and you fucking call me before a cig, a dip, a cigar, or a fucking vap. We both have way too many positive memories to make together to alleviate all the bad ones we have made with poison in our mouths. I think of every damn picture of the last 18 years and I had a freaking dip in. Always here brotha... reach out and let's do this.Quote from: JGromoBrain keeps throwing things at me, giving me reasons to cave. It's really annoying. I want to be able to justify cigars. It's not that I want a cigar right the fuck now. Don't get me wrong I do want a cigar right the fuck now. But I keep thinking if I stay quit if I am zero tolerance to myself I wont be able to smoke a cigar when my nephew is born, then that makes me think what about When I have a son. When that son kills his first buck, I wont be able to smoke a cigar with him for the first time. Wont be able to smoke with him when he graduates. at his wedding day. when he has a son.Oh dude... take a deep breath.
I want those memories badly. Those are some great memories I have smoking a cigar with my dad, sitting around the campfire, talking about the hunt. My brain wants me to think I can't have those memories without cigars in them. Why can't it be whiskey? Why can't instead of breaking out a handful of 50$ cigars I dont just break out a bottle of high quality whiskey?
I dont know why I want those but I am worried about those days. I'm terrified of the cave, I'm terrified of waking up at day one in my 40's... when the desire for those memories are too strong on a drunken night of celebrating. It makes me sad to not be able to have those memories in my future, how I ruined the possibilities of those memories by putting that poison in my lip. If I could have just left it to a cigar here and there I wouldn't be where I sit today.
Weird head space today. Anyway...just wanted to type out the thoughts maybe I can leave them on paper. All these hypotheticals trying to get me to cave. If we wanna go hypotheticals lets say I have a son and I dont cave...lets say he gets married and I stay clean. Lets say he has a son...wouldn't it be better for me to see the memories he gets to make with his own son then make some romanticized unimportant memories that realistically are just mind games my nicotine obsessed brain is trying to mind fuck me with...better than laying under the dirt and him saying to his son "Well this is your grandpa, boy I remember all those fun nights sitting around a campfire smoking cigars...wasn't so fun at the hospital" Like I said weird head-space. Not caving, not even close to caving. Just...dunno...trapped in my own fucking head.
First things first... nicotine doesnÂ’t make memories with your dad. Or you future son. Dude I promise you that you know non cigar smoking sons and fathers that have great memories of times with each other. Nicotine doesnÂ’t make life easier. Or more fun. It doesnÂ’t make you smarter. Or happier. It gives you a quick buzz and then tricks you into thinking it makes you happy. How you feel right now is what nicotine really does to you. And one day soon you are gonnacread your post and think... whoa James, you sound like one mega fucked up junkie.
Second, we donÂ’t quit for tomorrow. Or for Grandna SallyÂ’s 100th Birthday. Or your future sons birth. We quit for today. And only for today. We canÂ’t change the past, so there is no point worrying about the past. We canÂ’t control the future, so why worry about that? But we can and do own and focus on our actions today - and today we fucking own our behavior and we celebrate our win!
You know what would make your dad happy? Imagine sitting around the fire and telling him, after a successful hunt, that you have fought your biggest opponent and won. That you are accomplishing something that only the strongest 20% of people accomplish. That you have quit nicotine. That is a moment of pride. That is winning.
Imagine looking at that future baby son and knowing that you own your decisions and choices, and you are making healthy choices that will allow you to be alive and with a jaw at his graduation and wedding. And you wonÂ’t have a big fucking lip of poison with drool running down your face while you feed him a bottle. Because James, that is what losing looks like. Losing.
Fuck nicotine. It does NOTHING for you. But it does a lot TO you. Think about that and stop romanticizing it. Exercise, sex, lots of water and healthy food, repeat. ThereÂ’s some romantic stuff there that is nicotine free. Put your passions to work and start enjoying the win.
Think about the coating of tar and nicotine on the inside of your mouth and throat, and lungs.
I always loved the taste of a good cigar while I was smoking it, for about 10 minutes. I paid the price for the next 24 hours trying to clean the shite off the walls of my mouth.
Nicotine is pure evil. There is no place for it in a celebration. Stay quit. Stay here.
I just really wanted to thank everybody for getting me through that shit.You think you feel good now... just wait. Winning feels great. Proud to quit with you.
This fucking addiction plays some major mind games and I can't believe the ups and downs.
Right now I'm on like a 2 day up run where I have just wanted to work non stop. Better myself had drive to workout to eat right to make my house look as good as it can. I can't believe how down I was less than a week ago and how just fucking amazing I feel right now. Thank you all.
Keep crushing bro, we got your back. Proud to quit with you everyday.Quote from: JGromoI just really wanted to thank everybody for getting me through that shit.You think you feel good now... just wait. Winning feels great. Proud to quit with you.
This fucking addiction plays some major mind games and I can't believe the ups and downs.
Right now I'm on like a 2 day up run where I have just wanted to work non stop. Better myself had drive to workout to eat right to make my house look as good as it can. I can't believe how down I was less than a week ago and how just fucking amazing I feel right now. Thank you all.
Check out the link in my signature to PAWs. You are going to have a few down episodes during your quit. Might as well learn to deal with them.Quote from: worktowinKeep crushing bro, we got your back. Proud to quit with you everyday.Quote from: JGromoI just really wanted to thank everybody for getting me through that shit.You think you feel good now... just wait. Winning feels great. Proud to quit with you.
This fucking addiction plays some major mind games and I can't believe the ups and downs.
Right now I'm on like a 2 day up run where I have just wanted to work non stop. Better myself had drive to workout to eat right to make my house look as good as it can. I can't believe how down I was less than a week ago and how just fucking amazing I feel right now. Thank you all.
I liked your YouTube vid in your signature. Day 2 of that bullshit today. Amazing how it is impossible to refrain from screaming like a girl at first. IÂ’ve also found it impossible to wack-off in the shower anymoreProps on the shrinkage!
I liked your YouTube vid in your signature. Day 2 of that bullshit today. Amazing how it is impossible to refrain from screaming like a girl at first. IÂ’ve also found it impossible to wack-off in the shower anymoreIt's never impossible to wack off in the shower...You can do anything you set your mind too...it just might not be impressive.
It's been a happy/sad day today...I don't know how to feel because no matter how many times I've quit chew I've never given away my cigars until now...I'm going to miss them I guess, but I think thats mostly because of how much money I've wasted on growing my collection over the years. Slightly regretting not selling them.That money will be recouped shortly the longer you go without buying cans of cancer. Some lessons cost us financially. Typically, the more they sting, the more lasting the impact.
I keep having not a dip dream but a dip memory I guess you'd call it....was like 2 months into my last stoppage maybe 3...black out drunk at a Giants game. I remember standing up to go to the pisser and next thing I know I'm walking back to my seat with a dip in....actually that might have been more like 5-6 months now that I think about itBut now you have a source of accountability that you hadn't had in your prior stoppage. You have a group to report to. People waiting to see your daily promise. Sure it's easy to cave. It takes work to be honor your word. My grandfather told me that the difference between a boy and a man is simple. A boy does what he wants, a man does what needs done.
..it was like April and I'd quit that time in november.
That's like all I can think about last night and today just remembering how easy it was to cave...not even one day one hour one 5 minute drunk walk to the shitter...and there she was again with no warning...it was the foot in the door that led to my last spiral....
My quit rage project is shaping up nicely. I literally expected to take most of the year on the landscaping I've got already done. It really is helping me along and its probably saving my marriage because this time unlike last time I've got an outlet besides being a fucking dick to my wife and getting pissed every 10 seconds when we are out and about and trying to start fights downtown. I wish I had before pictures better but when I'm done I'll be hosting a KTC party in my perfectly landscaped property, it might still be at my 1 year mark or hell with money as tight as it is right now maybe when I join the comma club. But you fucks that have and are helping me through this shit are all invited.IÂ’ll bring some PBR.
Brain keeps throwing things at me, giving me reasons to cave. It's really annoying. I want to be able to justify cigars. It's not that I want a cigar right the fuck now. Don't get me wrong I do want a cigar right the fuck now. But I keep thinking if I stay quit if I am zero tolerance to myself I wont be able to smoke a cigar when my nephew is born, then that makes me think what about When I have a son. When that son kills his first buck, I wont be able to smoke a cigar with him for the first time. Wont be able to smoke with him when he graduates. at his wedding day. when he has a son.Can't believe I'm just now getting around to reading the intro threads.
I want those memories badly. Those are some great memories I have smoking a cigar with my dad, sitting around the campfire, talking about the hunt. My brain wants me to think I can't have those memories without cigars in them. Why can't it be whiskey? Why can't instead of breaking out a handful of 50$ cigars I dont just break out a bottle of high quality whiskey?
I dont know why I want those but I am worried about those days. I'm terrified of the cave, I'm terrified of waking up at day one in my 40's... when the desire for those memories are too strong on a drunken night of celebrating. It makes me sad to not be able to have those memories in my future, how I ruined the possibilities of those memories by putting that poison in my lip. If I could have just left it to a cigar here and there I wouldn't be where I sit today.
Weird head space today. Anyway...just wanted to type out the thoughts maybe I can leave them on paper. All these hypotheticals trying to get me to cave. If we wanna go hypotheticals lets say I have a son and I dont cave...lets say he gets married and I stay clean. Lets say he has a son...wouldn't it be better for me to see the memories he gets to make with his own son then make some romanticized unimportant memories that realistically are just mind games my nicotine obsessed brain is trying to mind fuck me with...better than laying under the dirt and him saying to his son "Well this is your grandpa, boy I remember all those fun nights sitting around a campfire smoking cigars...wasn't so fun at the hospital" Like I said weird head-space. Not caving, not even close to caving. Just...dunno...trapped in my own fucking head.
If you come to my house with PBR...actually I don't hate the stuff its perfectly fine for drinking games. or for that moment early ish in the night when you realize "fuck we're gonna be here for another two hours and I think I just hit my limit..."Quote from: JGromoMy quit rage project is shaping up nicely. I literally expected to take most of the year on the landscaping I've got already done. It really is helping me along and its probably saving my marriage because this time unlike last time I've got an outlet besides being a fucking dick to my wife and getting pissed every 10 seconds when we are out and about and trying to start fights downtown. I wish I had before pictures better but when I'm done I'll be hosting a KTC party in my perfectly landscaped property, it might still be at my 1 year mark or hell with money as tight as it is right now maybe when I join the comma club. But you fucks that have and are helping me through this shit are all invited.IÂ’ll bring some PBR.
I've been thinking a lot about how much of a disappointment I used to be, without even realizing it...I've never thought of my addiction as affecting other people before...But in reality how many day ones have I posted to my wife? How mad would I be if someone on here I think of as a friend that I've known for mere weeks suddenly caved...But I've done that to my wife probably a half a dozen times. Sometimes for so little time she probably didn't even realize I had quit...but a couple times for 6 or 7 months...Never really thought of that effect on her. I can say the difference this time is I have support from people that know what I'm going through...but that would be taking away from the support my wife has given me over the years trying to help me quit. Dealing with me being the biggest of assholes, I'm horrible to be around when I don't have my fix....and then she gets to watch me fall back onto it when she thought we were in the clear, knowing she's gonna have to go through it again.This is a great post.
I have confidence in this quit because anyone can stay clean for today...But I believe I owe my wife a sincere apology for caving all those times.
Hell yeah brother one day at a time...I can already feel it getting better I'm having a lot of good hours and even a few good days. Even a couple great days. I'm almost going to miss the cravings though...just that little feeling of winking and flipping that nic cunt the bird and knowing that crave means I'm winning. Honored to quit with my brotha today.Quote from: JGromoI've been thinking a lot about how much of a disappointment I used to be, without even realizing it...I've never thought of my addiction as affecting other people before...But in reality how many day ones have I posted to my wife? How mad would I be if someone on here I think of as a friend that I've known for mere weeks suddenly caved...But I've done that to my wife probably a half a dozen times. Sometimes for so little time she probably didn't even realize I had quit...but a couple times for 6 or 7 months...Never really thought of that effect on her. I can say the difference this time is I have support from people that know what I'm going through...but that would be taking away from the support my wife has given me over the years trying to help me quit. Dealing with me being the biggest of assholes, I'm horrible to be around when I don't have my fix....and then she gets to watch me fall back onto it when she thought we were in the clear, knowing she's gonna have to go through it again.This is a great post.
I have confidence in this quit because anyone can stay clean for today...But I believe I owe my wife a sincere apology for caving all those times.
This quit is different. This time you gavecwuit.
Personal growth. One day at a time. Life keeps getting better bro.
I am honored to quit with you.
Like all women before your wife, and daughters if you have any, the nic bitch will be only a part of your past. She has no value or place in your future.Quote from: worktowinHell yeah brother one day at a time...I can already feel it getting better I'm having a lot of good hours and even a few good days. Even a couple great days. I'm almost going to miss the cravings though...just that little feeling of winking and flipping that nic cunt the bird and knowing that crave means I'm winning. Honored to quit with my brotha today.Quote from: JGromoI've been thinking a lot about how much of a disappointment I used to be, without even realizing it...I've never thought of my addiction as affecting other people before...But in reality how many day ones have I posted to my wife? How mad would I be if someone on here I think of as a friend that I've known for mere weeks suddenly caved...But I've done that to my wife probably a half a dozen times. Sometimes for so little time she probably didn't even realize I had quit...but a couple times for 6 or 7 months...Never really thought of that effect on her. I can say the difference this time is I have support from people that know what I'm going through...but that would be taking away from the support my wife has given me over the years trying to help me quit. Dealing with me being the biggest of assholes, I'm horrible to be around when I don't have my fix....and then she gets to watch me fall back onto it when she thought we were in the clear, knowing she's gonna have to go through it again.This is a great post.
I have confidence in this quit because anyone can stay clean for today...But I believe I owe my wife a sincere apology for caving all those times.
This quit is different. This time you gavecwuit.
Personal growth. One day at a time. Life keeps getting better bro.
I am honored to quit with you.
That post is exactly defines one of my quit mantras ..."looking at the addict through the eyes of a quitter." It can be surreal sometimes, but also makes all the easier to look at the addict, be ashamed of that person, and never ever want to go back to it.Quote from: JGromoLike all women before your wife, and daughters if you have any, the nic bitch will be only a part of your past. She has no value or place in your future.Quote from: worktowinHell yeah brother one day at a time...I can already feel it getting better I'm having a lot of good hours and even a few good days. Even a couple great days. I'm almost going to miss the cravings though...just that little feeling of winking and flipping that nic cunt the bird and knowing that crave means I'm winning. Honored to quit with my brotha today.Quote from: JGromoI've been thinking a lot about how much of a disappointment I used to be, without even realizing it...I've never thought of my addiction as affecting other people before...But in reality how many day ones have I posted to my wife? How mad would I be if someone on here I think of as a friend that I've known for mere weeks suddenly caved...But I've done that to my wife probably a half a dozen times. Sometimes for so little time she probably didn't even realize I had quit...but a couple times for 6 or 7 months...Never really thought of that effect on her. I can say the difference this time is I have support from people that know what I'm going through...but that would be taking away from the support my wife has given me over the years trying to help me quit. Dealing with me being the biggest of assholes, I'm horrible to be around when I don't have my fix....and then she gets to watch me fall back onto it when she thought we were in the clear, knowing she's gonna have to go through it again.This is a great post.
I have confidence in this quit because anyone can stay clean for today...But I believe I owe my wife a sincere apology for caving all those times.
This quit is different. This time you gavecwuit.
Personal growth. One day at a time. Life keeps getting better bro.
I am honored to quit with you.
It's actually been a little bit since I've had a strong crave...but lack of motivation this week is bieng a bitch. I have a lot I need to do, but I'm a super procrastinator today, keep finding a reason to come on here, really wanna start texting people knowing I don't have time to. I dunno if I'm just in a funk because of the rain, or if its dip withdrawel related but definitely not feeling my usual self the last two days. Keep trying to fake it, like I'm feeling normal but everything sounds super forced when I'm texting, posting or talking. There are things that need to get done like in the next hour, that will probably take me 45 minutes and I've needed to do them since yesterday...but I've barely started them. Isn't just work either, last night I changed the dinner menu because I couldn't get the willpower to drive a mile to the store to pick up olive oil. Thats all I had to do, the wife was cooking. Literally all I needed to do was get out of my chair, drive to safeway, drive home. This morning was late to work, I woke up on time, just couldn't get myself to function. maybe its the time change mixed with the rain putting me into a funk. I really fuckin dunno. But I figured this is my little thread. it might be dip related it might not be, I honestly can't tell, just needed to voice it to myself to see if I can self reflect and figure out whats going on.For FUKS sake you little girl.... man the FUK up.... I can smell the menstruation wafting out of the monitor. When you pick up that olive oil grab some tampons too you fucking pussy.
Haha, no joke though, just missing the cramps, but I got plenty of the moodiness lol. I think I see a little spotting koolaidsplash :fbmiddle:Quote from: JGromoIt's actually been a little bit since I've had a strong crave...but lack of motivation this week is bieng a bitch. I have a lot I need to do, but I'm a super procrastinator today, keep finding a reason to come on here, really wanna start texting people knowing I don't have time to. I dunno if I'm just in a funk because of the rain, or if its dip withdrawel related but definitely not feeling my usual self the last two days. Keep trying to fake it, like I'm feeling normal but everything sounds super forced when I'm texting, posting or talking. There are things that need to get done like in the next hour, that will probably take me 45 minutes and I've needed to do them since yesterday...but I've barely started them. Isn't just work either, last night I changed the dinner menu because I couldn't get the willpower to drive a mile to the store to pick up olive oil. Thats all I had to do, the wife was cooking. Literally all I needed to do was get out of my chair, drive to safeway, drive home. This morning was late to work, I woke up on time, just couldn't get myself to function. maybe its the time change mixed with the rain putting me into a funk. I really fuckin dunno. But I figured this is my little thread. it might be dip related it might not be, I honestly can't tell, just needed to voice it to myself to see if I can self reflect and figure out whats going on.For FUKS sake you little girl.... man the FUK up.... I can smell the menstruation wafting out of the monitor. When you pick up that olive oil grab some tampons too you fucking pussy.
Love ya.
Oh... and you know you can always text me when you are down bro, it's just a funk, as Ready says, it will get so much better.
This is my new day one.I believe this will be the fourth time in twelve hours saying this to you......
I've failed April, my friends and myself.
I have to answer the three questions and quit again.
I've broken my promise.
That could be how this post would go if I didn't use the tools this site has given me for my quit last night. I honestly dont know if I'd have caved last night without Bryce's call. I do know I'd have started a count down to the above post. I do know that I'd be lying every time I posted roll to my brothers if I hadn't reached out and if I hadn't had a brother that would reach back and pull me from the cliffs edge.
Yesterday was an amazing day, I woke up at 4am with so much drive and willpower I felt fucking amazing. I put in 3 hours cleaning the house before I even went to work. At work I kicked ass I put away the load I set up a couple good sized accounts and I handled my shit well. When I got home I still had that drive and fire to get shit done so I started going through boxes in the attic, I've been putting this off for years and it felt fucking amazing working on them finally. Plus going through boxes of my grandfathers stuff brought up some awesome memories of the time I'd spent with him, hunting trips when I found his weird collection of spent shells, Football and baseball games when I found his box of plaques and trophies for all the records he held and all the important games he'd won, That picture of him with my varsity cheerleaders from my senior year game against his old high school. Great fucking memories. A cuban cigar! Oh I remembered how he loved the cuban's, smoking cigars, I could take it out and it was still pristine! It smelt just like I remember him in my youth. Man it was still fresh, this little tube did wonders at holding up its condition. What a great tribute when should I smoke this? Oh my god, me and dad could smoke this on Fathers day at the cemetery! I'll surprise him with it when we get there and we can stand in the family crypt and fill it with the smells of my grandfather and get one more strong bonding memory with him. A last gift, if you will, from beyond the grave.
The grave...
God those last years were rough on him, he had more good days than bad for the first few years. That scare when I was 10 and he almost died in the grand ol opry...But then he hung on to see me through high school. And he had a lot of good days, maybe not as many as the bad, but when he wasn't in the hospital he was pretty good still...not himself anymore, never really himself besides a handful of glimpses...but he wasn't begging for death...Until he was. Those last few years. My grandmother clinging him to life, afraid of being alone. All the scares, how many times did I stand over him in the hospital thinking that this was it? Dozens? Watching him somehow pull through again and again. Get worse and worse with each trip to the hospital. He died years before his body gave up. Ghost of the man he was in my youth and teens. Hearing him scream at the poor nurses and caregivers to "Fucking kill me already!" and then when it stopped being screaming and shouting. when I heard it switch from that fire and anger and that strength that stubborn man always had to begging it was crushing. No more yelling just a quiet whimper to "please...please kill me?" And then he passed...finally...he wasn't hurting anymore.
And there I am standing with this awesome tribute to him, his murderer in my hand. Already planning the smoke I'm going to have with it with my father, his youngest son. How I'm just going to give in and fail my quit, to give him "tribute" by letting myself become another victim to the devil that killed him, not killed him, killing him would be merciful compared to what nicotine did to him, he was fucking tortured. 15 years of fucking torture before his body finally broke and let him die.
I wish I could say I had those thoughts on my own, I wish I could say that I was strong enough to rip that fucking thing apart by myself...but those thoughts didn't come. I spent minutes romanticizing and imagining smoking the cigar, I didn't even think of the site, I didn't think of my quit I didn't think of my wife, my future kids, my brothers on here! I grabbed my phone excitedly about to text mom and tell her what I'd found that I had the best surprise for dad ever for fathers day!
My eyes fell on the group chat I've got going with mike, bryce and athan. It wasn't a strong pull. But I felt a slight tug at my conscience I'd made a promise to these guys. I'd told them I wouldn't. Well its not like I'm smoking it right now. I stare at the group chat and the tug gets slightly stronger. Its almost like I'm asking myself what the fuck am I doing? But in a quiet voice. Deffinitely 95% still happy go lucky holy shit I'm gonna smoke this cigar this will be awesome. But just a little 5%...just enough to send out an SOS...I honestly didn't mean to tell them, it wasn't a "Oh god what am I DOING!?" scream for help. Most of me was completely back to addict mindstate. But...that 5% was growing, not that I was going to destroy the cigar mind you. But I'm pretty sure I could have tricked myself into thinking that I could just give the cigar to my dad on my own, I mean he should at least get it.
Then that fathers day would have come and my dad would have handed me the cigar and I'd have toked on it regardless of what I had promised myself back in March. Because how could I refuse that when it was staring me in the face, I could barely refuse it when its still months out.
Again, thoughts I wish I'd have had the strength to have on my own. But I did have the strength to shoot out one quiet lonely plea for help. to a group of guys I was 90% sure were asleep. I didn't call...I just texted...I might have called if dad had offered me the cigar...I might have had the strength to refuse...but...We all know I wouldn't have. I'm weak...I am an addict. I didn't want to not smoke the cigar, I wanted to trick that 5% into shutting up, trick myself into thinking I had everything under control.
This wasn't a "HELP I'M GOING TO CAVE!" text...all I said was "I just found a cuban cigar in my grandfathers possessions in pristine condition..." For those of you that know me, you know cigars have and always will be my weakness, I don't want to not smoke cigars. I never viewed them on the same playing field as dip and cigarettes until coming to this site, and if we are being completely honest there is still a large portion of my brain that doesn't. So this, not just cigar...this Cuban... My weakest of weakest points...A portion of my addiction I already romanticize its importance to me. Add on to that one last strong memory of my grandfather. Probably the last I would ever have of such clarity. Add on top of that the bonding moment with my father to smoke his fathers last cigar ever...That 5% resistance had become 10% just long enough to shoot out that text is now gone with that thought.
Bryce is calling....
Ignore it...I can almost feel a fog coming over me. I can feel that resistance start to re-surge after seeing that someone cares about my quit enough to wake themselves up and call me in the middle of their night to make sure I'm quit, one of the few people on the planet that knows me well enough and knows the struggle well enough to know my mindset is gone there's no strength left in my quit its been bulldozed. Luckily that quiet call for help is answered, and as I bend my knees to leap from the cliff an arm shoots out to drag me away from failure.
Ignore the call you know what it will be...
Do I jump and rip myself from the help that is being offered or do I accept the support?
If I ignore this call I seal it...I'm gonna cave...I'm gonna cave?
I answer.
My brothers support is the only thing that kept me from diving off that cliff back into the waiting loving arms of my grandfathers murderer. Letting myself take one step closer to my own future grandsons having to watch that fucking Nicotine Bitch torture me until my body can't handle it anymore and I die slowly in front of them. Ruining their memory of me.
Skol talked me back from that cliff. Five minutes of mostly fog. The internal struggle with him in my corner. Until I fought through it. We fought through it. Finally it was 95% resistance and 5% desire to smoke. We got off the phone and before I could lose that will power I shredded it and flushed it down the toilet.
Once it was flushed the realization hit. Hard...How close I came to caving...had I? It felt like I had, I'd decided to. isn't that the same thing? It really showed me that I was weak. I couldn't do it on my own. I opened the tube, I smelt it and felt it and envisioned smoking it. I didn't immediately ask for help, I didn't even want help. I didn't even know I needed help for the first minutes.
If I can refuse this cigar...I can refuse any cigar, there will never be a more tempting cigar I can envision. Unless my father with his dying moments hand rolls a cigar out of tobacco he grew and asked me to smoke it in his memory...I can not picture any stronger temptation.
I need to remember that I nearly put an expiration date on my quit. I would have if that cigar wasn't in the sewer right now. I would have if a brother hadn't given me a call without hesitation.
I love you too my brother. wouldn't be able to post anything good without you. I probably would be posting just the first section.Quote from: JGromoThis is my new day one.I believe this will be the fourth time in twelve hours saying this to you......
I've failed April, my friends and myself.
I have to answer the three questions and quit again.
I've broken my promise.
That could be how this post would go if I didn't use the tools this site has given me for my quit last night. I honestly dont know if I'd have caved last night without Bryce's call. I do know I'd have started a count down to the above post. I do know that I'd be lying every time I posted roll to my brothers if I hadn't reached out and if I hadn't had a brother that would reach back and pull me from the cliffs edge.
Yesterday was an amazing day, I woke up at 4am with so much drive and willpower I felt fucking amazing. I put in 3 hours cleaning the house before I even went to work. At work I kicked ass I put away the load I set up a couple good sized accounts and I handled my shit well. When I got home I still had that drive and fire to get shit done so I started going through boxes in the attic, I've been putting this off for years and it felt fucking amazing working on them finally. Plus going through boxes of my grandfathers stuff brought up some awesome memories of the time I'd spent with him, hunting trips when I found his weird collection of spent shells, Football and baseball games when I found his box of plaques and trophies for all the records he held and all the important games he'd won, That picture of him with my varsity cheerleaders from my senior year game against his old high school. Great fucking memories. A cuban cigar! Oh I remembered how he loved the cuban's, smoking cigars, I could take it out and it was still pristine! It smelt just like I remember him in my youth. Man it was still fresh, this little tube did wonders at holding up its condition. What a great tribute when should I smoke this? Oh my god, me and dad could smoke this on Fathers day at the cemetery! I'll surprise him with it when we get there and we can stand in the family crypt and fill it with the smells of my grandfather and get one more strong bonding memory with him. A last gift, if you will, from beyond the grave.
The grave...
God those last years were rough on him, he had more good days than bad for the first few years. That scare when I was 10 and he almost died in the grand ol opry...But then he hung on to see me through high school. And he had a lot of good days, maybe not as many as the bad, but when he wasn't in the hospital he was pretty good still...not himself anymore, never really himself besides a handful of glimpses...but he wasn't begging for death...Until he was. Those last few years. My grandmother clinging him to life, afraid of being alone. All the scares, how many times did I stand over him in the hospital thinking that this was it? Dozens? Watching him somehow pull through again and again. Get worse and worse with each trip to the hospital. He died years before his body gave up. Ghost of the man he was in my youth and teens. Hearing him scream at the poor nurses and caregivers to "Fucking kill me already!" and then when it stopped being screaming and shouting. when I heard it switch from that fire and anger and that strength that stubborn man always had to begging it was crushing. No more yelling just a quiet whimper to "please...please kill me?" And then he passed...finally...he wasn't hurting anymore.
And there I am standing with this awesome tribute to him, his murderer in my hand. Already planning the smoke I'm going to have with it with my father, his youngest son. How I'm just going to give in and fail my quit, to give him "tribute" by letting myself become another victim to the devil that killed him, not killed him, killing him would be merciful compared to what nicotine did to him, he was fucking tortured. 15 years of fucking torture before his body finally broke and let him die.
I wish I could say I had those thoughts on my own, I wish I could say that I was strong enough to rip that fucking thing apart by myself...but those thoughts didn't come. I spent minutes romanticizing and imagining smoking the cigar, I didn't even think of the site, I didn't think of my quit I didn't think of my wife, my future kids, my brothers on here! I grabbed my phone excitedly about to text mom and tell her what I'd found that I had the best surprise for dad ever for fathers day!
My eyes fell on the group chat I've got going with mike, bryce and athan. It wasn't a strong pull. But I felt a slight tug at my conscience I'd made a promise to these guys. I'd told them I wouldn't. Well its not like I'm smoking it right now. I stare at the group chat and the tug gets slightly stronger. Its almost like I'm asking myself what the fuck am I doing? But in a quiet voice. Deffinitely 95% still happy go lucky holy shit I'm gonna smoke this cigar this will be awesome. But just a little 5%...just enough to send out an SOS...I honestly didn't mean to tell them, it wasn't a "Oh god what am I DOING!?" scream for help. Most of me was completely back to addict mindstate. But...that 5% was growing, not that I was going to destroy the cigar mind you. But I'm pretty sure I could have tricked myself into thinking that I could just give the cigar to my dad on my own, I mean he should at least get it.
Then that fathers day would have come and my dad would have handed me the cigar and I'd have toked on it regardless of what I had promised myself back in March. Because how could I refuse that when it was staring me in the face, I could barely refuse it when its still months out.
Again, thoughts I wish I'd have had the strength to have on my own. But I did have the strength to shoot out one quiet lonely plea for help. to a group of guys I was 90% sure were asleep. I didn't call...I just texted...I might have called if dad had offered me the cigar...I might have had the strength to refuse...but...We all know I wouldn't have. I'm weak...I am an addict. I didn't want to not smoke the cigar, I wanted to trick that 5% into shutting up, trick myself into thinking I had everything under control.
This wasn't a "HELP I'M GOING TO CAVE!" text...all I said was "I just found a cuban cigar in my grandfathers possessions in pristine condition..." For those of you that know me, you know cigars have and always will be my weakness, I don't want to not smoke cigars. I never viewed them on the same playing field as dip and cigarettes until coming to this site, and if we are being completely honest there is still a large portion of my brain that doesn't. So this, not just cigar...this Cuban... My weakest of weakest points...A portion of my addiction I already romanticize its importance to me. Add on to that one last strong memory of my grandfather. Probably the last I would ever have of such clarity. Add on top of that the bonding moment with my father to smoke his fathers last cigar ever...That 5% resistance had become 10% just long enough to shoot out that text is now gone with that thought.
Bryce is calling....
Ignore it...I can almost feel a fog coming over me. I can feel that resistance start to re-surge after seeing that someone cares about my quit enough to wake themselves up and call me in the middle of their night to make sure I'm quit, one of the few people on the planet that knows me well enough and knows the struggle well enough to know my mindset is gone there's no strength left in my quit its been bulldozed. Luckily that quiet call for help is answered, and as I bend my knees to leap from the cliff an arm shoots out to drag me away from failure.
Ignore the call you know what it will be...
Do I jump and rip myself from the help that is being offered or do I accept the support?
If I ignore this call I seal it...I'm gonna cave...I'm gonna cave?
I answer.
My brothers support is the only thing that kept me from diving off that cliff back into the waiting loving arms of my grandfathers murderer. Letting myself take one step closer to my own future grandsons having to watch that fucking Nicotine Bitch torture me until my body can't handle it anymore and I die slowly in front of them. Ruining their memory of me.
Skol talked me back from that cliff. Five minutes of mostly fog. The internal struggle with him in my corner. Until I fought through it. We fought through it. Finally it was 95% resistance and 5% desire to smoke. We got off the phone and before I could lose that will power I shredded it and flushed it down the toilet.
Once it was flushed the realization hit. Hard...How close I came to caving...had I? It felt like I had, I'd decided to. isn't that the same thing? It really showed me that I was weak. I couldn't do it on my own. I opened the tube, I smelt it and felt it and envisioned smoking it. I didn't immediately ask for help, I didn't even want help. I didn't even know I needed help for the first minutes.
If I can refuse this cigar...I can refuse any cigar, there will never be a more tempting cigar I can envision. Unless my father with his dying moments hand rolls a cigar out of tobacco he grew and asked me to smoke it in his memory...I can not picture any stronger temptation.
I need to remember that I nearly put an expiration date on my quit. I would have if that cigar wasn't in the sewer right now. I would have if a brother hadn't given me a call without hesitation.
I Love you Brother!
This is one of the best things IÂ’ve ever read on KTC. You put into words the emotions that nicotine pulls at, and also put into words why KTC works when nothing else does.Quote from: skolvikingsI love you too my brother. wouldn't be able to post anything good without you. I probably would be posting just the first section.Quote from: JGromoThis is my new day one.I believe this will be the fourth time in twelve hours saying this to you......
I've failed April, my friends and myself.
I have to answer the three questions and quit again.
I've broken my promise.
That could be how this post would go if I didn't use the tools this site has given me for my quit last night. I honestly dont know if I'd have caved last night without Bryce's call. I do know I'd have started a count down to the above post. I do know that I'd be lying every time I posted roll to my brothers if I hadn't reached out and if I hadn't had a brother that would reach back and pull me from the cliffs edge.
Yesterday was an amazing day, I woke up at 4am with so much drive and willpower I felt fucking amazing. I put in 3 hours cleaning the house before I even went to work. At work I kicked ass I put away the load I set up a couple good sized accounts and I handled my shit well. When I got home I still had that drive and fire to get shit done so I started going through boxes in the attic, I've been putting this off for years and it felt fucking amazing working on them finally. Plus going through boxes of my grandfathers stuff brought up some awesome memories of the time I'd spent with him, hunting trips when I found his weird collection of spent shells, Football and baseball games when I found his box of plaques and trophies for all the records he held and all the important games he'd won, That picture of him with my varsity cheerleaders from my senior year game against his old high school. Great fucking memories. A cuban cigar! Oh I remembered how he loved the cuban's, smoking cigars, I could take it out and it was still pristine! It smelt just like I remember him in my youth. Man it was still fresh, this little tube did wonders at holding up its condition. What a great tribute when should I smoke this? Oh my god, me and dad could smoke this on Fathers day at the cemetery! I'll surprise him with it when we get there and we can stand in the family crypt and fill it with the smells of my grandfather and get one more strong bonding memory with him. A last gift, if you will, from beyond the grave.
The grave...
God those last years were rough on him, he had more good days than bad for the first few years. That scare when I was 10 and he almost died in the grand ol opry...But then he hung on to see me through high school. And he had a lot of good days, maybe not as many as the bad, but when he wasn't in the hospital he was pretty good still...not himself anymore, never really himself besides a handful of glimpses...but he wasn't begging for death...Until he was. Those last few years. My grandmother clinging him to life, afraid of being alone. All the scares, how many times did I stand over him in the hospital thinking that this was it? Dozens? Watching him somehow pull through again and again. Get worse and worse with each trip to the hospital. He died years before his body gave up. Ghost of the man he was in my youth and teens. Hearing him scream at the poor nurses and caregivers to "Fucking kill me already!" and then when it stopped being screaming and shouting. when I heard it switch from that fire and anger and that strength that stubborn man always had to begging it was crushing. No more yelling just a quiet whimper to "please...please kill me?" And then he passed...finally...he wasn't hurting anymore.
And there I am standing with this awesome tribute to him, his murderer in my hand. Already planning the smoke I'm going to have with it with my father, his youngest son. How I'm just going to give in and fail my quit, to give him "tribute" by letting myself become another victim to the devil that killed him, not killed him, killing him would be merciful compared to what nicotine did to him, he was fucking tortured. 15 years of fucking torture before his body finally broke and let him die.
I wish I could say I had those thoughts on my own, I wish I could say that I was strong enough to rip that fucking thing apart by myself...but those thoughts didn't come. I spent minutes romanticizing and imagining smoking the cigar, I didn't even think of the site, I didn't think of my quit I didn't think of my wife, my future kids, my brothers on here! I grabbed my phone excitedly about to text mom and tell her what I'd found that I had the best surprise for dad ever for fathers day!
My eyes fell on the group chat I've got going with mike, bryce and athan. It wasn't a strong pull. But I felt a slight tug at my conscience I'd made a promise to these guys. I'd told them I wouldn't. Well its not like I'm smoking it right now. I stare at the group chat and the tug gets slightly stronger. Its almost like I'm asking myself what the fuck am I doing? But in a quiet voice. Deffinitely 95% still happy go lucky holy shit I'm gonna smoke this cigar this will be awesome. But just a little 5%...just enough to send out an SOS...I honestly didn't mean to tell them, it wasn't a "Oh god what am I DOING!?" scream for help. Most of me was completely back to addict mindstate. But...that 5% was growing, not that I was going to destroy the cigar mind you. But I'm pretty sure I could have tricked myself into thinking that I could just give the cigar to my dad on my own, I mean he should at least get it.
Then that fathers day would have come and my dad would have handed me the cigar and I'd have toked on it regardless of what I had promised myself back in March. Because how could I refuse that when it was staring me in the face, I could barely refuse it when its still months out.
Again, thoughts I wish I'd have had the strength to have on my own. But I did have the strength to shoot out one quiet lonely plea for help. to a group of guys I was 90% sure were asleep. I didn't call...I just texted...I might have called if dad had offered me the cigar...I might have had the strength to refuse...but...We all know I wouldn't have. I'm weak...I am an addict. I didn't want to not smoke the cigar, I wanted to trick that 5% into shutting up, trick myself into thinking I had everything under control.
This wasn't a "HELP I'M GOING TO CAVE!" text...all I said was "I just found a cuban cigar in my grandfathers possessions in pristine condition..." For those of you that know me, you know cigars have and always will be my weakness, I don't want to not smoke cigars. I never viewed them on the same playing field as dip and cigarettes until coming to this site, and if we are being completely honest there is still a large portion of my brain that doesn't. So this, not just cigar...this Cuban... My weakest of weakest points...A portion of my addiction I already romanticize its importance to me. Add on to that one last strong memory of my grandfather. Probably the last I would ever have of such clarity. Add on top of that the bonding moment with my father to smoke his fathers last cigar ever...That 5% resistance had become 10% just long enough to shoot out that text is now gone with that thought.
Bryce is calling....
Ignore it...I can almost feel a fog coming over me. I can feel that resistance start to re-surge after seeing that someone cares about my quit enough to wake themselves up and call me in the middle of their night to make sure I'm quit, one of the few people on the planet that knows me well enough and knows the struggle well enough to know my mindset is gone there's no strength left in my quit its been bulldozed. Luckily that quiet call for help is answered, and as I bend my knees to leap from the cliff an arm shoots out to drag me away from failure.
Ignore the call you know what it will be...
Do I jump and rip myself from the help that is being offered or do I accept the support?
If I ignore this call I seal it...I'm gonna cave...I'm gonna cave?
I answer.
My brothers support is the only thing that kept me from diving off that cliff back into the waiting loving arms of my grandfathers murderer. Letting myself take one step closer to my own future grandsons having to watch that fucking Nicotine Bitch torture me until my body can't handle it anymore and I die slowly in front of them. Ruining their memory of me.
Skol talked me back from that cliff. Five minutes of mostly fog. The internal struggle with him in my corner. Until I fought through it. We fought through it. Finally it was 95% resistance and 5% desire to smoke. We got off the phone and before I could lose that will power I shredded it and flushed it down the toilet.
Once it was flushed the realization hit. Hard...How close I came to caving...had I? It felt like I had, I'd decided to. isn't that the same thing? It really showed me that I was weak. I couldn't do it on my own. I opened the tube, I smelt it and felt it and envisioned smoking it. I didn't immediately ask for help, I didn't even want help. I didn't even know I needed help for the first minutes.
If I can refuse this cigar...I can refuse any cigar, there will never be a more tempting cigar I can envision. Unless my father with his dying moments hand rolls a cigar out of tobacco he grew and asked me to smoke it in his memory...I can not picture any stronger temptation.
I need to remember that I nearly put an expiration date on my quit. I would have if that cigar wasn't in the sewer right now. I would have if a brother hadn't given me a call without hesitation.
I Love you Brother!
And yesterday served a secondary purpose, I finally found a profile picture that means something...Plus most people will probably assume I took a picture of a massive fucked up deuce
Still getting goosebumps when I read that. Destined for the annals of quitopia.Love you brothers Athan,Michael, and James.
I don't know that I have come across anything that sums up so well what we're doing here.
You really captured the depth and breadth of it all right there.
Haven't got the words brother.
All I can say is I quit with you today.
Much love and respect to you too. I have to be honest, deep down inside I'm envious, jealous even that you were there first!Quote from: AthanStill getting goosebumps when I read that. Destined for the annals of quitopia.Love you brothers Athan,Michael, and James.
I don't know that I have come across anything that sums up so well what we're doing here.
You really captured the depth and breadth of it all right there.
Haven't got the words brother.
All I can say is I quit with you today.
So much to appreciate in the words you put to print. Well done on your quit and expressing the process. That is some amazing shit right there.Quote from: skolvikingsMuch love and respect to you too. I have to be honest, deep down inside I'm envious, jealous even that you were there first!Quote from: AthanStill getting goosebumps when I read that. Destined for the annals of quitopia.Love you brothers Athan,Michael, and James.
I don't know that I have come across anything that sums up so well what we're doing here.
You really captured the depth and breadth of it all right there.
Haven't got the words brother.
All I can say is I quit with you today.
Nevertheless, I am content to have witnessed such an epic quit, count myself blessed to call you my brothers!
God damn its been a roller coaster these last weeks.I just got that gate fixed bro! Like just walked in 30 minutes ago. Ya know what, If that's what it takes, you can knock my fence down if you need to. I can always put my fence back together but I can't live without my daily dose of the Gromo!
the cigar incident was an outside influence but it seemed to spark something....First that initial desire...the memories, the strength it took me to shred that fucking cigar...Then following that lets call it the crying episode. My god on sunday I couldn't stop bawling I got drunk as fuck and I really couldn't control it anymore. I was getting so mad at myself for crying that I was punching walls..hand still hurts, think I might have fucked up my wrist. then I went through a week of wierd. Depression was coming back, could feel it I was distancing myself from everyone. I was deffinitely feeling a lack of motivation...then woke up one day with a complete lack of control feeling. I thought I had gone crazy and was in the looney bin and everything was a god damned halucination. I felt fucking crazy. bat shit style. Wanted to fucking end it all...Then today with the rage, I mean fucking cunts...I am so fucking angry today I wanna rip someones fucking head off. I'm going to attack the fucking yardwork so fucking hard when I get home I might huck a god damned tree from my yard into athans. Fuck.
The cigar incident....that's good stuff...proud to quit with you....if Athan is close by....I challenge each of you to execute an upper decker....first successful deck load wins:) ODAATQuote from: JGromoGod damn its been a roller coaster these last weeks.I just got that gate fixed bro! Like just walked in 30 minutes ago. Ya know what, If that's what it takes, you can knock my fence down if you need to. I can always put my fence back together but I can't live without my daily dose of the Gromo!
the cigar incident was an outside influence but it seemed to spark something....First that initial desire...the memories, the strength it took me to shred that fucking cigar...Then following that lets call it the crying episode. My god on sunday I couldn't stop bawling I got drunk as fuck and I really couldn't control it anymore. I was getting so mad at myself for crying that I was punching walls..hand still hurts, think I might have fucked up my wrist. then I went through a week of wierd. Depression was coming back, could feel it I was distancing myself from everyone. I was deffinitely feeling a lack of motivation...then woke up one day with a complete lack of control feeling. I thought I had gone crazy and was in the looney bin and everything was a god damned halucination. I felt fucking crazy. bat shit style. Wanted to fucking end it all...Then today with the rage, I mean fucking cunts...I am so fucking angry today I wanna rip someones fucking head off. I'm going to attack the fucking yardwork so fucking hard when I get home I might huck a god damned tree from my yard into athans. Fuck.
It has been a little since I've done a true update. Honestly I've been busy between my wifes birthday and a stumach bug and work really picking up now that spring is here. As HoF draws nearer some days I get smacked in the face with a crave out of nowhere but usually... I feel good? the med's and the magnesium powder and the melissa pills seem to be working for my internal demons....It's almost weird to feel normal. Feeling good, feeling normal actually made me question the normality of my normalness, lol. I thought something was wrong because nothing was wrong for the first time in a while. No depression, no anxiety, no rage. The tree's have thinned slightly in the forest of quit, the fog has lifted and its become more of a nice relaxing stroll through the woods than a treck through the muck, fog and jungle of quit. I'm excited for the future if I feel like this and I'm still in double digits.Proud as hell of you brother.
Bad ass.Quote from: JGromoIt has been a little since I've done a true update. Honestly I've been busy between my wifes birthday and a stumach bug and work really picking up now that spring is here. As HoF draws nearer some days I get smacked in the face with a crave out of nowhere but usually... I feel good? the med's and the magnesium powder and the melissa pills seem to be working for my internal demons....It's almost weird to feel normal. Feeling good, feeling normal actually made me question the normality of my normalness, lol. I thought something was wrong because nothing was wrong for the first time in a while. No depression, no anxiety, no rage. The tree's have thinned slightly in the forest of quit, the fog has lifted and its become more of a nice relaxing stroll through the woods than a treck through the muck, fog and jungle of quit. I'm excited for the future if I feel like this and I'm still in double digits.Proud as hell of you brother.
You have gone through shit that some of us know nothing about, you are unstoppable, keep shining brother.
Love you guysQuote from: skolvikingsBad ass.Quote from: JGromoIt has been a little since I've done a true update. Honestly I've been busy between my wifes birthday and a stumach bug and work really picking up now that spring is here. As HoF draws nearer some days I get smacked in the face with a crave out of nowhere but usually... I feel good? the med's and the magnesium powder and the melissa pills seem to be working for my internal demons....It's almost weird to feel normal. Feeling good, feeling normal actually made me question the normality of my normalness, lol. I thought something was wrong because nothing was wrong for the first time in a while. No depression, no anxiety, no rage. The tree's have thinned slightly in the forest of quit, the fog has lifted and its become more of a nice relaxing stroll through the woods than a treck through the muck, fog and jungle of quit. I'm excited for the future if I feel like this and I'm still in double digits.Proud as hell of you brother.
You have gone through shit that some of us know nothing about, you are unstoppable, keep shining brother.
It keeps getting better, James. One day at a time.
Really proud to quit with you.
DAY 98, Proud with you. Thanks for listening on the fishing trigger. I got so much positive feedback from all you guys, it's what this site does. I be prouder than hell to be at the gates as we both walk thru HOF door, 2nd floor, 3rd floor, 4th floor.....one day at a time.96 with you brother, will always be chasing you. One day at a time, but I'll never be able to catch you.
Keep chasing me and I'll keep quiting every damn day to stay in front.....quit forever bro....win win....no caves allowedQuote from: DoofusDAY 98, Proud with you. Thanks for listening on the fishing trigger. I got so much positive feedback from all you guys, it's what this site does. I be prouder than hell to be at the gates as we both walk thru HOF door, 2nd floor, 3rd floor, 4th floor.....one day at a time.96 with you brother, will always be chasing you. One day at a time, but I'll never be able to catch you.
*edit* New introduction time. I'm james, Below me is a load of horse shit I was trying to kid myself into thinking I was still quit when I was a few weeks shy of buying a can again and already consuming my fair share of nicotine during the week. I mean yes I am a fat piece of shit...But besides that mostly bullshit. 'bang head' 'bang head'100 days ago this was you.
Anyway I'm quit now and every day I will post and stay quit, there will be no caving. *end edit*
Hi, I'm James and plain and simple its been a struggle. I quit after 13 years going from a pinch from cans hidden in the bathroom during showers, so my parents couldn't catch me. to a can a day. to I couldn't even tell you because I'd just keep 2-5 logs in the freezer at all times. I hit 26 years old and realized I had been dipping for as many years as I had not. Granted there were a lot of quit attempts, making it a week, making it a month, switching from cope to days of work for almost 6 months. I told my then fiance that I was quitting after the wedding....great idea btw...nothing like putting them through the ringer with that "for better or worse" line right off the bat. But it was worth it. At least I ended up smartening up and waited until after the honeymoon. Didn't wanna ruin Italy with my miserable withdrawal period.
The first few months sucked. Everyone knows that. But even after it got better some days really still feel like those first few. I know its a bitch to kick the habit but you would think after a year and 3 months I'd be free and clear of the urges.
The problem is there are a lot of things I blame on quitting. I never experienced the bad effects of chew personally and I didn't want to quit for strong reasons I wanted to quit because I knew it was only a matter of time. Now for me I had used nicotine as a way to avoid learning how to handle stress and anxiety during my teen years. About 6 months after quitting I had a severe mental breakdown and had to switch to a new more Dr approved drug to use daily. at least its cheaper. I've also put on about 90 lbs since I quit, pure fat. I hate everything about quitting still. I still dunno what to do with myself on long drives. i still crave it insanely badly at Giants games. Some days it almost feels like I am hoping for a disease with an expiration date attached so I can just say "Fuck it I'm gonna die anyway, might as well go down with a dip in my lip"
Let me apologize now, that is insensitive to people that actually have that. No I'm not suicidal. I just want an excuse to start again very badly and that has been one of many thoughts my brain throws out to get me to start. It's an agreement I have with myself that if I get diagnosed with a certain amount of years I'm going back to chew. I've also had some small backslides, occasionally when drunk I've had the "Well Red Man isn't really chew" or "It's snuss/cigerettes/cigars not dip, doesn't count"
Anyway, just don't have many people to talk about this with because honestly I'm the only one of my friends that has made it passed the fabled 100 days mark. Anyone out there with a few years experience does this shit get better? LOL Do many of you backslide when you are drunk? Has anyone found a good way to get around the getting fat issue, cause if I get any fatter it's gonna kill me faster than the chew would have anyway, and diets are having less effect now it seems like. Mostly just thank you for having an outlet to rant in because my wife does not understand how I still have urges after so long, and doesn't understand the strength of these urges.
JGromoThat's beautiful bro, love you man (no homo of course)
Every now and then a man comes along,
Who works in your life, who moves you to song.
It happened to me when I met JGromo
AinÂ’t talking bout love, (not like that you homo)
I was stumbling about like a fool in the dark,
I was lost and confused in the nic bitches park.
I wanted to have it, just one more tin,
Then I heard his voice, all calm in the din
I was thrashing about all anxious and scared
And so I cried out and my soul was bared:
James IÂ’m in anguish, IÂ’m drowning here man!
He just replied softly, Athan put down the can.
I need it I stammered, this stuff is my life,
DonÂ’t be a fool he explained, ItÂ’s the source of your strife.
But IÂ’ve got to have it, you donÂ’t understand!
YouÂ’re an addict he said, and stretched out his hand.
I remember that day early on in my quit
When James came along, pulled me off of her tit
Then I stood on his shoulders and I scraped the sky,
And he let me taste freedom, now I can fly.
Love you boys..... Cheers to the next hundy... or handy... homo... whatever.Quote from: AthanJGromoThat's beautiful bro, love you man (no homo of course)
Every now and then a man comes along,
Who works in your life, who moves you to song.
It happened to me when I met JGromo
AinÂ’t talking bout love, (not like that you homo)
I was stumbling about like a fool in the dark,
I was lost and confused in the nic bitches park.
I wanted to have it, just one more tin,
Then I heard his voice, all calm in the din
I was thrashing about all anxious and scared
And so I cried out and my soul was bared:
James IÂ’m in anguish, IÂ’m drowning here man!
He just replied softly, Athan put down the can.
I need it I stammered, this stuff is my life,
DonÂ’t be a fool he explained, ItÂ’s the source of your strife.
But IÂ’ve got to have it, you donÂ’t understand!
YouÂ’re an addict he said, and stretched out his hand.
I remember that day early on in my quit
When James came along, pulled me off of her tit
Then I stood on his shoulders and I scraped the sky,
And he let me taste freedom, now I can fly.
Ya know, it just hit me. He's not chasing us; kid is like 25 YEARS ahead of us.Quote from: JGromoKeep chasing me and I'll keep quiting every damn day to stay in front.....quit forever bro....win win....no caves allowedQuote from: DoofusDAY 98, Proud with you. Thanks for listening on the fishing trigger. I got so much positive feedback from all you guys, it's what this site does. I be prouder than hell to be at the gates as we both walk thru HOF door, 2nd floor, 3rd floor, 4th floor.....one day at a time.96 with you brother, will always be chasing you. One day at a time, but I'll never be able to catch you.
WTF Athan, you never acknowledge reality to a youngster.....let him keep chasing us like a gerbil on a wheel, lolQuote from: DoofusYa know, it just hit me. He's not chasing us; kid is like 25 YEARS ahead of us.Quote from: JGromoKeep chasing me and I'll keep quiting every damn day to stay in front.....quit forever bro....win win....no caves allowedQuote from: DoofusDAY 98, Proud with you. Thanks for listening on the fishing trigger. I got so much positive feedback from all you guys, it's what this site does. I be prouder than hell to be at the gates as we both walk thru HOF door, 2nd floor, 3rd floor, 4th floor.....one day at a time.96 with you brother, will always be chasing you. One day at a time, but I'll never be able to catch you.
Wow JGromo, you're a lot brighter than I look!
I think that outlive part depends on whether or not I can lose this quit fat I got going on.Quote from: AthanWTF Athan, you never acknowledge reality to a youngster.....let him keep chasing us like a gerbil on a wheel, lolQuote from: DoofusYa know, it just hit me. He's not chasing us; kid is like 25 YEARS ahead of us.Quote from: JGromoKeep chasing me and I'll keep quiting every damn day to stay in front.....quit forever bro....win win....no caves allowedQuote from: DoofusDAY 98, Proud with you. Thanks for listening on the fishing trigger. I got so much positive feedback from all you guys, it's what this site does. I be prouder than hell to be at the gates as we both walk thru HOF door, 2nd floor, 3rd floor, 4th floor.....one day at a time.96 with you brother, will always be chasing you. One day at a time, but I'll never be able to catch you.
Wow JGromo, you're a lot brighter than I look!
JG- You will outlive Athan and I but you wont catch us on quit day streak, lol....keep trying though, its good to want, it builds character
Vivid fucking dreams lately...Really vivid, not all are "dip dreams" but enough are that its confusing shouldn't I be past this stage? three nights in a row now I've dreamt that I got drunk and smoked a cigarette. Or a cigar for one occasion. One was weird, ended up being "not a dip dream" but in it I was drunk and I had a dip in at a bar and was freaking out then, spit it out reached into my back pocket and realized it was Smokey Mountain. I think I'm afraid of throwing away my HoFness and my friendships by getting drunk and being stupid, which at least its kept me from getting hammered lately. I know I'm in control with a few drinks in...I don't think I'm someone who can afford to get hammered anymore though, with the dark thoughts and the crazy urges...probably not a bad idea to just stay sober...or sober-ish until I get this shit fully taken care of.Gromes....Grommy....GroMoans.
It is annoying though because I'm scared to hang out with a large percentage of my friends...cause thats what we did, what we do we all go out and get shitfaced and we've done it for 14 years...
Plus while it doesn't appear it because of how open I am on here, I am very private towards my friends and family. Nobody really knows the mental games I've been dealing with besides my wife and close family. Probably 10 people total know whats going on. I mean I've gotten shitty before and made a fool of myself so more people probably have guessed something is going on with me. They all know I've quit, but even my wife I don't think takes it as seriously as I wish she would. Was almost embarrassed to tell her that I wanted to celebrate cause I was hitting 100 days clean...(I have that problem of being embarrassed of myself when I'm proud of anything I've done because someone else has done it better, or faster or whatever. in my mind...I dunno.)
Kicking some nic bitch ass today bro, quit feels goodHell yeah it does brother, had a pretty stressful evening last night honestly the crave was so pathetic that it almost made me laugh. I mean, how is that supposed to help when someone breaks into your wife's car and fucks up her day...I mean, not like if I'd have put a dip in, her door would be magically fixed, not like if I made a quick run to the local stop and rob to grab a can I'd see the dude walking out of a bathroom with her purse and I could have beaten him to death and gotten her stuff back.
Yeh, that addict brain is really dumbRight? Especially after the fact, thinking about how much I tried to justify it or random thoughts I had where it would be ok if...blah blah blah Always makes me feel like a god damned idiot. Hell some of the things I posted on here I poofed out of embarrassment...I wish I hadn't now, but after I wrote them, then cooled off and got my shit together and re-read them I was like "Yeah that can't ever surface again in any job interview...so...gonna have to disappear that one incase I end up getting that job at the PD" lol
That would be an entertaining police brutality case "Um, so it says here in transcript B...that you would like to 'Beat them to death...the stupid *expletive*...I hope they get hit by a *expletive* bus, these *expletive* *expletive* *expletive* *explivers*! I'm going to *expletive* in their *expletive's*' and you were talking about...DMV employee's? Your honor I believe the evidence is overwhelming on why this officer is mentally unfit to wear a badge."Quote from: DoofusYeh, that addict brain is really dumbRight? Especially after the fact, thinking about how much I tried to justify it or random thoughts I had where it would be ok if...blah blah blah Always makes me feel like a god damned idiot. Hell some of the things I posted on here I poofed out of embarrassment...I wish I hadn't now, but after I wrote them, then cooled off and got my shit together and re-read them I was like "Yeah that can't ever surface again in any job interview...so...gonna have to disappear that one incase I end up getting that job at the PD" lol
Got robbed two weeks before I got outa the Navy. Was out at sea for a couple of months and when I get back, the place is cleaned out. They even took socks and underwear! Who takes socks and underwear?!I can hear it now "And a new form of vigilante justice is going on in California of all places. Three would be robbers raped to death after breaking into California man's home! Hear the full story at 8!"
I remember the feeling though, of being violated. I could actually taste blood. Sorry it happened to you brother. Wish it would have happened to someone else, like that guy at the gym who can't be bothered to rerack his weights when he's done. Why not him? Or my brother in law, that would be justice! Well, maybe you'll have the pleasure of meeting them if they come to rob your place and you're home. Reckon if it comes to that we'll see it on the evening news!
"And here we are with neighbor mary lopez, Mary, can you tell me a little bit about what happened?"Quote from: AthanGot robbed two weeks before I got outa the Navy. Was out at sea for a couple of months and when I get back, the place is cleaned out. They even took socks and underwear! Who takes socks and underwear?!I can hear it now "And a new form of vigilante justice is going on in California of all places. Three would be robbers raped to death after breaking into California man's home! Hear the full story at 8!"
I remember the feeling though, of being violated. I could actually taste blood. Sorry it happened to you brother. Wish it would have happened to someone else, like that guy at the gym who can't be bothered to rerack his weights when he's done. Why not him? Or my brother in law, that would be justice! Well, maybe you'll have the pleasure of meeting them if they come to rob your place and you're home. Reckon if it comes to that we'll see it on the evening news!
The random texts I get, even if I donÂ’t answer right away. They help. Know that people are going through the same stuff you are. By you reaching out, it has helped me. Try and be positive! That is hard for me most days! But quit, ODAAT!One day at a time indeed brother! We got this man. Just gotta keep remembering and reminding myself if not now then when? Cause it aint gonna be something we can just shove under the rug for the rest of our lives. We deal with this here and now because if we don't then the last few months of torture were a waste and we are gonna go through the same damn thing later.
You know who I feel sorry for?Love you brother. Couldn't imagine a quit without you man...well at least not a successful one. We carried each other...well maybe more you carried me through the shit with the nic. and we both are kicking her ass. now lets carry each other and kick the shit out of the demons leading us to alcohol
People that will walk this earth and never know you. That's who.
Even through all the morass we've slogged through I still crack a smile whenever I think of you.
There's guys who could walk barefoot across a floor of tiddy's to collect a million bucks and still bitch.
Then there's guys who you could clean outhouses with and laugh about it later. I'd rather clean outhouses with you.
Isn't alcohol just another cunt to kick in the teeth like her sister Nicotine Bitch?Quote from: AthanYou know who I feel sorry for?Love you brother. Couldn't imagine a quit without you man...well at least not a successful one. We carried each other...well maybe more you carried me through the shit with the nic. and we both are kicking her ass. now lets carry each other and kick the shit out of the demons leading us to alcohol
People that will walk this earth and never know you. That's who.
Even through all the morass we've slogged through I still crack a smile whenever I think of you.
There's guys who could walk barefoot across a floor of tiddy's to collect a million bucks and still bitch.
Then there's guys who you could clean outhouses with and laugh about it later. I'd rather clean outhouses with you.
Alcohol is not helping me. It is negating the effectiveness of my meds, it is a depressant and it is not for me right now. I still give myself the hope of "Maybe once I've got my mental shit under order" and I hope that's the case. I've never viewed myself as an alcoholic but I do have alcoholic tendencies. I've known I needed to stop drinking for two months now and I keep saying "Well I can't quit because of my birthday, because of my collection of wine and whiskey, because of my anniversary wine, because of our ireland trip coming up next year!" Why does an ireland trip a year and a half away mean I can drink on Saturday? Or tonight at the wednesday night market? How do those correlate? I KNOW I should not drink right now. I know I should not drink until my brain is right. the Ireland trip will be its own problem next october. Will I cave and drink? I dunno, probably cause thats kind of the whole reason we were going there was to try all the whiskey and beer...But. That does not mean I can drink tomorrow. that doesn't give me an excuse to crack open a bottle right now. I LOVE whiskey, I love wine..that doesn't mean I need to get sloshed, that doesn't mean that if I don't drink for a year my alcohol will suddenly go bad...Maybe my white wine's but those are pretty fuckin cheap anyway and I'm sure they'll be fine. Moral of the story is its just another One Day At A Time.James, it is an honor to quit with you.
(No Drinking Journal)Day 19....Tested my alcohol quit last night, went to the barber that I've been avoiding because I didn't wanna be tempted with that free beer (Reason I quit...yeah it was fuckin with me mentally but mostly I need to lose weight, and I can't keep going in debt for booze) But I was starting to look a little taliban-ish so I shaved the pubes off my face and went in for a cut. Went smoothly, then I decided to really fuck with myself and go to a sports bar to watch the warriors game. They had my bar drink of choice, Jamo Ginger, on special for 4$ each. God damnit that was hard to pass up. Made it through the game and feel good today. No hangover, No expensive bar tab...well it was kind of expensive cause Mattie was drinking a little and we kept getting a bunch of app's for like the 4 hours we were there, but significantly cheaper than if I'd have drunk, I got to drive didn't have to drop a 20 for a lyft. I would love to have just one but where does that just one lead us? Even for booze. I might be able to stop at just one...but how do I justify when the just one is? I mean we broke out a bottle of the wedding red we made and bought a current version of the wedding white for eating our cake on Saturday, that's justified as just one right? and I mean I gotta have one of each. They're our wedding wines right? And then on Sunday we had a BBQ at Mattie's cousin's house and I was offered a glass of high end scotch and I can't turn down scotch right? I mean it's just one. And then Monday I sure as hell wanted to try my dad's Chardonnay he made, he's never made one before so of course I wanted to taste it and let him know what I thought about it. Yesterday I could have the free beer I mean I pay for it anyway in the cost of the barber shop visit. It's just one, but that just one just turned into just 5 in the last week alone. And realistically if I'd have let myself have that just one, will I really stop at one? Do I trust myself to? I feel fucking great why would I throw that away for just one drink. I still have hope. But until I'm out of CC debt and my weight is healthy, I will not drink. I will no longer lose 3 lbs during the week just to gain it back on saturday night. I am done financing my alcoholism. Paying interest on shots, how stupid can I get? How much of my CC debt wouldn't be there if we didn't go wine tasting? Or didn't have those 14$ cocktail's with dinner? Brewery hopping at 7$ a beer? Going to the club and racking up a 150$ tab to get sloshed and make a fool of myself? How much of my gut wouldn't be here if I hadn't had those extra 700 calories with dinner here and 2500 calories at the bar there and that little 900 calorie snack of wine just because we were watching a movie we rented? I need to not drink.James, this post made my day. You, sir, get this process and how this place works.
".....It's just one, but that just one just turned into just 5 in the last week alone."2 winners right here. Life is good when you are free.
Never had a drink in my entire life, not ever. Usually 12 or so but never have I had 'a' drink. 4 weeks sober and counting. Counting with you.
Life is good when you've got WorktoWin in your back pocket. Scuuuuuuse me while I whip this out!....Quote from: Athan".....It's just one, but that just one just turned into just 5 in the last week alone."2 winners right here. Life is good when you are free.
Never had a drink in my entire life, not ever. Usually 12 or so but never have I had 'a' drink. 4 weeks sober and counting. Counting with you.
Mongo only pawn in the game of life.Quote from: worktowinLife is good when you've got WorktoWin in your back pocket. Scuuuuuuse me while I whip this out!....Quote from: Athan".....It's just one, but that just one just turned into just 5 in the last week alone."2 winners right here. Life is good when you are free.
Never had a drink in my entire life, not ever. Usually 12 or so but never have I had 'a' drink. 4 weeks sober and counting. Counting with you.
This journey of quitting has taught me a pretty important new skill...the ability to handle extreme discomfort. I am all about not getting comfortable now. Personal growth comes from your ability to handle uncomfortable situations and feelings and thoughts. Since I quit, since I went through some mental issues, I still have anxiety, I still have depression but I handle them differently, they are secondary feelings and I've still got bad days. but the good outnumber them 5 to 1 easily and even on the bad days its mostly just a couple bad moments, a couple bad hours. I don't focus on it anymore. I don't let one bad hour ruin my whole day. One bad day ruin my whole week. Shit happens, deal with it and move on. Since I started on this site, I've quit nicotine, obviously, I've quit drinking, I've had my brothers guide me through some of the shittiest days of my life. I'm 177 days quit of nic and 59 days quit of alcohol, my life has literally never been better. I feel great, I'm taking suppliments for the anxiety and depression and have my medication still. I'm going back to school for the first time in nearly a decade. As soon as I put myself out there I got a LOT of job opportunities coming up, there is no rut anymore. Why would I waste my life doing this when I can enjoy it doing something else, why put myself in a job thats going to give me financial stress when I can make significantly more and be happier somewhere else? I was putting so much time and effort into complaining about being miserable for the last few years that I didn't realize I could put that same time and effort into making myself happy. Handle your uncomfortable situations and your life will get 1000x better. You ignore them they're just gonna get worse, you let them control you you're gonna end up being more miserable than if you'd have just sacked up and gotten uncomfortable for a few minutes, hours, days, months, years. Whatever it takes.Thanks for putting all of this out on KTC. ODAAT right now with the Nic addiction, but I appreciate all the stuff that goes along with exposing one addiction that rears it head on you. Only 2 weeks in on chew but good to know others have found ways to improve on stuff outside of kicking nicotine and re-shifting focus to positive things.
We are all connected BBQ!Quote from: JGromoThis journey of quitting has taught me a pretty important new skill...the ability to handle extreme discomfort. I am all about not getting comfortable now. Personal growth comes from your ability to handle uncomfortable situations and feelings and thoughts. Since I quit, since I went through some mental issues, I still have anxiety, I still have depression but I handle them differently, they are secondary feelings and I've still got bad days. but the good outnumber them 5 to 1 easily and even on the bad days its mostly just a couple bad moments, a couple bad hours. I don't focus on it anymore. I don't let one bad hour ruin my whole day. One bad day ruin my whole week. Shit happens, deal with it and move on. Since I started on this site, I've quit nicotine, obviously, I've quit drinking, I've had my brothers guide me through some of the shittiest days of my life. I'm 177 days quit of nic and 59 days quit of alcohol, my life has literally never been better. I feel great, I'm taking suppliments for the anxiety and depression and have my medication still. I'm going back to school for the first time in nearly a decade. As soon as I put myself out there I got a LOT of job opportunities coming up, there is no rut anymore. Why would I waste my life doing this when I can enjoy it doing something else, why put myself in a job thats going to give me financial stress when I can make significantly more and be happier somewhere else? I was putting so much time and effort into complaining about being miserable for the last few years that I didn't realize I could put that same time and effort into making myself happy. Handle your uncomfortable situations and your life will get 1000x better. You ignore them they're just gonna get worse, you let them control you you're gonna end up being more miserable than if you'd have just sacked up and gotten uncomfortable for a few minutes, hours, days, months, years. Whatever it takes.Thanks for putting all of this out on KTC. ODAAT right now with the Nic addiction, but I appreciate all the stuff that goes along with exposing one addiction that rears it head on you. Only 2 weeks in on chew but good to know others have found ways to improve on stuff outside of kicking nicotine and re-shifting focus to positive things.
Proud to quit with you today and good luck with the improvement.
200 brother, well freaking done.Congrats on 200 brother!!!
You are a cornerstone of my quit and I look forward to stacking the days by your side.
Love ya brother!!
Honored as hell to quit with you, sir.Quote from: skolvikings200 brother, well freaking done.Congrats on 200 brother!!!
You are a cornerstone of my quit and I look forward to stacking the days by your side.
Love ya brother!!
Proud to be QLF with you!
Yippie- ki- ay!!!!!! Two hundy today, big love but not gay (more than words can say), and more on the way, thick as jellyfish in the bay and I quit with you today.Quote from: srains918Honored as hell to quit with you, sir.Quote from: skolvikings200 brother, well freaking done.Congrats on 200 brother!!!
You are a cornerstone of my quit and I look forward to stacking the days by your side.
Love ya brother!!
Proud to be QLF with you!
600
Gromo my man, you’ve put down the can and dropped that addiction like Uzbekistan rolling every day all up in my clan dontcha know I’m your biggest fan jumping up into your quit van (look kids – free candy!) the shine of your quit gave us all a great tan while ODAAT we ran and ran while warring on tobacco and all out ban. Seeing you hit 600 is a real treat….kinda like eating flan.
Xoxoxo
I love you
bye
600
Gromo my man, you’ve put down the can and dropped that addiction like Uzbekistan rolling every day all up in my clan dontcha know I’m your biggest fan jumping up into your quit van (look kids – free candy!) the shine of your quit gave us all a great tan while ODAAT we ran and ran while warring on tobacco and all out ban. Seeing you hit 600 is a real treat….kinda like eating flan.
Xoxoxo
I love you
bye
roflmao roflmao roflmao
The Greek Lyrical Gangsta
Congrats my brother @Gromo (https://ktcforum.org/index.php?action=profile;u=860), damn proud to be fighting this battle by your side.
600
Gromo my man, you’ve put down the can and dropped that addiction like Uzbekistan rolling every day all up in my clan dontcha know I’m your biggest fan jumping up into your quit van (look kids – free candy!) the shine of your quit gave us all a great tan while ODAAT we ran and ran while warring on tobacco and all out ban. Seeing you hit 600 is a real treat….kinda like eating flan.
Xoxoxo
I love you
bye
roflmao roflmao roflmao
The Greek Lyrical Gangsta
Congrats my brother @Gromo (https://ktcforum.org/index.php?action=profile;u=860), damn proud to be fighting this battle by your side.
Hahahah this is awesome brotha. Love you man
600
Gromo my man, you’ve put down the can and dropped that addiction like Uzbekistan rolling every day all up in my clan dontcha know I’m your biggest fan jumping up into your quit van (look kids – free candy!) the shine of your quit gave us all a great tan while ODAAT we ran and ran while warring on tobacco and all out ban. Seeing you hit 600 is a real treat….kinda like eating flan.
Xoxoxo
I love you
bye
roflmao roflmao roflmao
The Greek Lyrical Gangsta
Congrats my brother @Gromo (https://ktcforum.org/index.php?action=profile;u=860), damn proud to be fighting this battle by your side.
Hahahah this is awesome brotha. Love you man
Although we already conversed earlier via text, I'll tell you again right here:
'party2' CONGRATS BROTHER JAMES 'party2'