We Quit Like Fuck

[Parputt]

Good stuff Coach. You are indeed one of the lucky ones that "gets it". Thanks for your insight and unselfish involvement! I'll quit with you any day sir! Well done indeed.

[Coach Steve]

Fellow quitters, in consideration of the large amount of caving going on around here, I wanted to throw this post up. I wrote this on February 24, 2012 after I received a few PM's from special butterflies in the April 12 group. They "couldn't find the time" to post roll everyday and it was very obvious that posting roll was not that important to them. Instead of calling them out in public, I decided to post this:

DISCLAIMER: This is post is to be used solely for the purposes of getting April to understand why 100% roll matters, and is not to be retransmitted in any form that shall cause unnecessary drama, upset my fellow April quitters, or attract Vets from the Hills to deliver their opinions. Thank you and please enjoy in a responsible manner.

When I first logged onto KTC it was Day 2 of my quit. I was an absolute wreck. Couldn't focus on anything, couldn't get any work done and quite frankly felt like curling up in a ball in the corner. That's when my wonderful wife sent me a text that read, "I found this site, killthecan.org, you should try it." Before I logged onto KTC, I had already made my decision to quit, but I was in a very vulnerable position and I needed help. So I found KTC, immediately registered and went to the welcome center where I learned all about posting roll and it's meaning. From the welcome center I found my group, April, and immediately posted my Day 2. I screwed up my first post, big time. But then I got a PM from Keddy, he welcomed me and asked if I needed any help. My first question to him was "Did I post roll correctly." Of course he answered "No Steve," and then explained what I did wrong. So I'm sure some of you out there are thinking to yourself, geez, Coach f'ed up roll his first time yet he gave other people so much shit about screwing up roll. All true, and I will not deny that it makes me a hypocrite. However, screwing up roll several times did not prevent me from jumping on others to do it correctly. I failed, but I learned from my failures and bounced back stronger. I also understand that not everyone responds well to Keddy's kind and gentle style, and some of you need a good kick in the ass on occasion (including myself).

Nevertheless, my point is that I understood the meaning of posting roll everyday and it's importance on my very first day here. I didn't start by lurking around the site and "trying to make up my mind." That's bush league shit. I didn't post an intro thread and tell everyone how awesome I am because "I'm doing it my way and I'm a badass." That is also bush league. Either quit or don't quit, there is no middle ground in this fight ladies and gentlemen. You start by posting roll. Or as I tell my ball players, you must WANT it every time you step on the field. You must give it 100% effort at all times and never be afraid of failure. To fail is human. To be afraid of failure is cowardly.

In my humble opinion, some of you in this April group still do not understand the meaning or importance of posting roll everyday. Some of you in April are not giving your quit 100%. Some of you in April are afraid of failure. You know who you are and the rest of April knows who you are, I don't have to name names or call people out. We've gotten to 100% roll just once in April, just once. Several other times we've fallen short by 1 or 2 people. Again, you know who you are or at least you should. Let's put it this way, if your PM inbox is full of over a dozen messages about posting roll and you haven't responded to any of them, then I'm talking about YOU.

100% roll means something to ME. To me, it means the difference between a life of addiction and a life of freedom. I cherish my new found freedom each and every day that I am able to wake up and post roll. Some of you take it for granted. If that is YOU, then I think you need to do some soul searching. You need to ask yourself "why am I using KTC?" and "Why do I post roll" and "Do I have anyone's phone numbers?" If the answers to those questions are "I don't know," "Because people tell me to," and "No." Well my friend, I have a feeling I won't be seeing you at the 2nd floor, assuming you even make the HOF. I tell my ball players to WANT IT everyday! If they don't show me that they WANT IT, they won't make my team and they won't get where they want to go in life. Likewise, if you don't WANT IT, then you're not going to stay on the Quit Team and your quit will not last as long as it needs to, for the rest of your life.

That's what 100% roll means to ME. What does it mean to YOU?

[Bruce]

(exercising and having vigorous sex with each other)

And that folks, is what quitting is all about

[Coach Steve]

This is the second installment of the Narrative Series. It centers around the same cave drama as the first narrative. By this time the drama had been raging for 36 hours or more and the original point had already been lost amongst everyone still involved in the situation. What had a emerged is a battle of insults and general tomfoolery.

Editor's Note: This narrative was edited by another member of the glass house of April to include the very last line. I thought it was fitting so I'm posting the edited version. Thanks PTW!


(Emerging from his afternoon nap, Coach Steve is not surprised to find that several "older quitters" are still bickering amongst themselves in the living room. Rubbing the sleep from his eyes, Coach Steve walks over to Cbird and ERDVM who are quietly sitting on the couch listening to the elders speak of days of yore.)

Coach Steve: How long they been going at it?
Cbird: Awhile now, not sure how long.
ERDVM: This is good shit man!!
Coach Steve: Don't they have somewhere else to go?
CBird: I think some of them live in the October 2011 house.
Coach Steve: Interesting, something wrong with their house?
Cbird: Don't think so, I visited their house this morning and everything looked fine.
Coach Steve: Yeah me too, I thought it looked good. Is that BWB over their debating with the "older quitters?"
ERDVM: Yeah he's been going at it with them for awhile too. He'll take breaks every now and then since he does have a job
Coach Steve: Are they still talking about _____________?
Cbird: I'm not sure, I think they've moved onto.....
(IRISH kicks open the door and proceeds to scan the room with his crazy eyes.)
Texasjack: [whispering to Smackaduck] Looks like someone's been working out.
Smackaduck: [Unable to take his eyes off of IRISH's hot bod]Mm, hmm!
IRISH: I heard someone say 2 score! Who was it!
Coach Doc: [Clearly still irritated by the lack of toilet paper in the April house] Uh, that was me, we're kinda in the middle of something can you come back later?
IRISH: How dare you say such things? He's not even here to stick up for himself!
(The banter stops as everyone turns to look at IRISH, who is pointing his bony finger at Coach Doc with a glare that only a school principal can muster)
IRISH: Gutless
Coach Doc: THATS IT!! I'M SICK OF THIS SHIT!!
BWB: Whoa, whoa. I didn't say anything.
Coach Doc: This is absurd, I'm fucking outta here!
(CNC and 2manycans emerge from the basement fresh off their game of ping pong)
CNC: Wait Doc, what is it?
Coach Doc: That m-fer called me gutless, this house sucks, I'm leaving
CNC: [turning to face IRISH] He did what??!!
Coach Doc: You heard me. This is useless, I'm gone
(Coach Doc slams the door on the way out)
Coach Steve: This is getting ugly.
ERDVM: Agreed, but I still want Coach Doc on my side. He makes me afraid of caving
Cbird: He'll be back again someday
(nv0311 enters the living room with a large basket of dirty laundry)
nv0311: Anybody wanna do my laundry for me?
(Silence.....)
nv0311: Ok.......guess not. I was just trying to change the subject and lighten the mood
texasjack: So, IRISH about that diet......

(The drama in the glass house of April appears to have subsided as IRISH, CBird and texasjack carry on a conversation about eating right, exercising and having vigorous sex with each other)

[Coach Steve]

I see what you did there. 

I'm filing a DMCA!!!

Haha, nice story man.

Dear KTC:

Tony's narrations of the April 11 group's drama served as my inspiration for my Narrative Series.

Sincerely,

Coach Steve

[tony]

I see what you did there.

I'm filing a DMCA!!!

Haha, nice story man.

[Coach Steve]

Dear Powers that Be:

Just in case you were contemplating whether or not to quash the use of my Intro thread as a "funny blog," I want everyone to know that I am willing to use my Intro thread in the manner that the powers want it to be used. But I also want to be able to preserve some of my posts for others to read. Not that I am the omniscient badass of quit, but I've coached youth (Middle  HS level) baseball for the past 5 years and I've put together some pretty inspiring speeches and pep talks. I've been told in the past that I write "well," and I would have banged my 12th grade English teacher so that makes me a pretty good writer. Plus I'm a lawyer. Being a lawyer has taught me two things: 1) People hate lawyers; and 2) I don't like being a lawyer.

I think a lot of us come to this site for several reasons, but a few reasons in particular stand out to me:

Inspiration
Motivation
Education
Entertainment

Several of us have heard the age old cliche "There's no 'I' in team." Well lucky for us there's an "I" and a "Me" in whatever acronym I just wrote above.

This quit is about me. I find quitting to be a challenge. A challenge that I have accepted and will forever be competing in. I will be competing for the rest of my life. I will always give my quit 100%.

I'm willing to "throw myself to the wolves" which is my stupid cliche way of saying that posting an Intro thread opens you up to scrutiny from others. Although the Narrative Series may be "quit gold" or pure badassery, I understand that it is really difficult to respond to. Being able to rationally respond to a given post is a fundamental aspect of this site (IMO). I love all of you.

p.s. We Quit Like Fuck

[Coach Steve]

Ok, so here goes. I'm Coach Steve and I'm in the April 12 pre-HOF group. From time to time I have made certain literary contributions to the April 12 thread. Some have been serious, some not-so-serious, but what has really caught on like a brush fire are the "Narratives" depicting fictitious scenes within the confines of the "glass house of April." These narratives are largely based on members of KTC and actual "events." However, as with any "based on a true story" script, the author (me) adds random character lines and events to spice it up a bit. My plan is to post one of my literary contributions at a time along with a brief background summary. Again, some will be funny, some will not, take what you need and leave the rest.

We Quit Like Fuck.

Today's post is the first of the Narrative Series. A caver from the April 12 group had returned to post a Day 1 in June 12. Two weeks had passed between the "cave" and his Day 1 post, and the April group had already debated how to handle the situation. However, once the member posted his Day 1, some of the experienced quitters found out and posted their thoughts in the April 12 thread. As per the usual on KTC, insults were flung around and the drama lasted approximately 36 hours before finally subsiding. This Narrative is dated March 14, 2012 and was written near the end of the drama.


(Coach Steve pulls up to the driveway of the April glass house and immediately notices gmann's convertible VW Rabbit parked in his spot. BWB's dually is also parked in the yard and there are several "older quitters" loitering on the tailgate. He is forced to parallel park on the street in between Col No Cope's Toyota Prius and NOLAQ's Ford Explorer. As he walks by the Vets loitering on BWB's dually he passes by wastepanel who gives him a slight head nod as if to say "how's it going," his green face shimmering in the morning sun. Almost to the front door, Coach Steve notices a loud grumbling sound coming from inside the April house. "Fuck me" he whispers to himself. Bracing himself for the worst, Coach Steve opens the door and reveals the carnage from yesterday's drama. BWB is giving a speech on the soapbox with CBird, ERDVM, PTW, jjprice and Rated listening and grumbling amongst themselves. Once Coach enters the room he notices someone standing awkwardly close to him and breathing on his neck. He turns and finds himself face to face with Col No Cope.)

CNC: What the fuck are you doing here?
Coach Steve : I live here, and you?
CNC: You live with these pussies?
Coach Steve: Um, yes. This is my quit group.
CNC: Well your group . . .
(CNC is interrupted by NOLAQ)
NOLAQ: Who the fuck are you?
Coach Steve : Well, like I was telling your friend CNC, I live here
NOLAQ: Oh, so you're one of the pussies in this house?
Coach Steve: Not really, why does everyone keep saying that?
(The room falls silent and everyone stares at Coach Steve. Frazzled leans over and whispers to NOLAQ, "he doesn't know")
Coach Steve: I don't know what?
(Coach Doc barges out of the bathroom after making number 2)
Coach Doc: You guys need more toilet pa...
(Coach Doc stops mid sentence as he sees Coach Steve)
Coach Doc: Well, well, well, look who it is! Didn't expect to find you in here.
Coach Steve: Ok, can someone please tell me what the fuck is going on here?
NOLAQ: One of your brothers, he caved and has returned to the June house
Coach Steve: Thanks Captain Obvious, that was 2 weeks ago
NOLAQ: Don't get sarcastic with me boy, I'm a badass quitter and I'm just here to help
Coach Steve: Great, so what does this have to do with April?
(A collective gasp is heard among the "older quitters" in the room. CNC sticks his head outside and tells the other guys they'd better get back inside. wastepanel, gmann and Tex file back into the already crowded room.)
NOLAQ: How can you say such a thing, haven't we taught you anything?
Coach Steve: About what? Caving?
NOLAQ: [raising his fists in anger]NO! About accountability!
Coach Steve: Yeah we know all about that.
(CNC nudges NOLAQ to the side and whispers "Why don't you let me try?")
CNC: Listen up you turds
Coach Steve: Sure, I'm all ears
CNC: You guys in April let ____________ off the hook too easily
Coach Steve: What are we supposed to do?
(CNC, clearly frustrated, takes a deep breath and rubs his forehead)
CNC: [Sigh] You're supposed to make his life hell, and criticize him for being a huge pussy caver until he tells you what he's going to do differently this time!!
Coach Steve: Ok, I get everything except for the part about criticizing him for being a huge pussy caver
CNC: WTF is so hard to understand about that?
Coach Steve: Well, for starters, he came back (albeit 2 weeks later)
CNC: And?
Coach Steve: He didn't have to come back
Tex: Fuck that you pussies!
CNC: You guys just don't get it do you?
Coach Steve: Look, a great quitter once told me that "people don't cave because of anything you or I say, they cave because they chose to." I figure that applies to retreads as well. Is anything you or I say going to make them do something differently this time, or is that something they need to figure out for themselves?
NOLAQ: That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard, who said some stupid shit like that?
Coach Steve: Coach Doc
NOLAQ: Oh, well I.....
Coach Steve: Look, here's what I'll do. I will PM _____________ with the April group's request that he develop a quit plan and more accountability this time around
Tex: That's ridiculous, I have to go meet TAB for lunch, see you guys later
(Tex slams the door behind him and rides off on his scooter)
CNC: I think we can accept that. However, you must also call him a huge pussy until he cries
Coach Steve: Not going to happen
NOLAQ: What? Do you think you're special?
Coach Steve: Nope, just not going to call him a huge pussy until he cries
(A loud cheer is heard from the members of the April house)
NOLAQ: How dare you stand up to us? Do you realize how big of a mistake you're making?
Coach Steve: It's not a mistake
(The collective uproar of the "older quitters" is deafening, and the fight scene from the Outsiders is beginning to unfold in April's living room)
Coach Steve: Alright, this fucking ridiculous. Why in fuck do we "young quitters" have to call _____ a huge pussy caver when you "older quitters" have already browbeat him into a corner. How could that possibly be productive?
(Hydro steps out from behind the curtain where he had been hiding the whole time)
Hydro: Coach has a point, I'm very disappointed in you "older quitters."
NOLAQ: Oh, Hydro, I didn't see you there, um, how's it going?
(Subdued by the presence of Hydro, the remaining "older quitters" begin to file out of the April house, except for Coach Doc.......)