KillTheCan.org Accountability Forum
Community => Introductions => Topic started by: SWJ on January 13, 2009, 02:42:00 PM
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On Sunday, I decided to quit. For some reason I started thinking about what life for my family would be like without me and I decided to quit. I looked at my wife and my two little boys and I decided to stop this habit that I have enjoyed for the last 13 years. I also decided to write down some of the things that I was thinking, and I want to put them here - Maybe for my own reasons, but also maybe because they might help someone else.
1) I don't want my wife to ever marry someone else because I'm not around anymore
2) I don't want some other man living in my house with my family one day because I'm not around anymore
3) It hurts my heart to think about someone sitting in my place at the supper table
4) I don't want someone else trying to "win over" my seven year old little boy. Only I know how to love him with all my heart
5) My twelve year old needs me to be his dad. When he was very small, I made him a promise that I would be around for him for a long, long time
6) My wife deserves more. She has always been honest and giving with me, and I have not done the same for her. I am ashamed of myself and am determined to be the husband she deserves to have
7) I shudder at the thought of another man one day making jokes and talking to his friends about dating my wife
8) My wife and I built our family together - Without the two of us, there would not be four of us and I want to continue to be a part of how special that is
9) I love my family they love me. I have been selfish and hurtful and the three most important people in my life have loved me anyway
10) If I wasn't around anymore...eventually my wife and our boys would find another husband and dad to take my place...and for what...?
11) My family needs me. Nothing is as important as that except righting the wrongs I have done and making my wife and our boys proud of me.
I don't know if any of this makes sense, but I am determined to make this work. I have never tried to quit before, but am convinced that I can do it on the first try...
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Yes you can do it on your first try. Just put it down. Lay it down, pray, cuss, cry -- do whatever it takes for you. It'll suck for a little while and you'll wonder if you've got the strenght. Rest assured, you can beat this just like I did and just like everybody else who posts here did. I haven't had a dip of Copenhagen for 308 days now. It's hard to believe. I've been there, and so have the rest of these guys. You can do it. Stay strong.
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Thanks, Josh - It's Day #2 and so far, it has not been that difficult...Yet... In my short time here I have become convinced that this place will help me when it does get tough.
Thanks for the kind words -
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Those are indeed some powerful reasons to quit. I also came to this website as a first time quitter 159 days ago driven by the very same thoughts. An addiction to nicotine was stealing moment after moment of the present while for 15 years I managed to close a blind eye to the real possibility of short-changing my future with my wife and 3 children. Enough. I followed the path laid down by the people on this website to make it a one and only quit. In reading your post I am also conviced that you will do it on the first try. Get it done. I admire your first step!
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This place will help. It still helps me. You'll do this. One day at a time brother.
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Day #4 started today. Days 1-3 were easier than I thought they would be, but today is tough. I miss my Grizzly. I miss the taste, I miss the slight buzz, I miss the smell of a brand new, freshly opened can, I miss that first pinch, and the ridiculous little amount of excitement that I got when I realized that this can was fresher and more moist than the last can. God, I could use a dip right now...
I don't think I'll do it though -
First, I told myself that I wouldn't. Second, I told all of you that I wouldn't. I haven't told my wife that I've stopped yet, but my plan was to wait until I got an entire week under my belt to tell her. Third, I don't need the dip. I want it, but I don't need it.
Short term...? Quitting sucks. I hate quitting and I miss dipping.
Long term...? It's the right thing to do I'd much rather The Quit suck a little bit, than suck a LOT because I'm going to die. I don't really want to quit, but I don't want to die even more.
For my own sake, I'm going to go through writing down my reasons for quitting again - You can read them, but right now they're for me - If I don't write these down again, I'm afraid I will go directly to the convenience store for the Grizzly, so here they are:
1. I don't want my wife to marry someone else because I died from this shit.
2. I don't want some other dude living in my house because I died from this shit.
3. I don't want anyone else taking care of my 7 year old little boy. I am the only person on earth who knows how to love him the best.
4. My twelve year old son needs me - I promised him that I would be around for a long, long time I don't want him asking some other guy some day why I lied to him.
5. My wife deserves better. I am ashamed of having lied to her all this time and I am going to be the man she deserves me to be.
6. I don't want to think about some other dude laughing and joking with his friends about dating my wife because he heard that her first husband was some kind of an idiot and killed himself with dip...
7. My wife and I made our family - Without the 2 of us, there would be no 4 of us.
8. I love my family and they love me.
9. Without me though, some other man would eventually come into their lives.
10. My family needs me and I need them - Nothing is more important to us than each other and the three of them deserve to be proud of me instead of ashamed and embarassed
11. My wife deserves the marriage that she always wanted - Tobacco is the ONE thing that has come between us and THAT is OVER.
I DON'T CARE IF I HAVE TO WRITE THIS OVER AND OVER EVERY DAY FOR THE NEXT YEAR. I am THROUGH with tobacco - I miss it, but I no longer care more about that than I do about the important things: Love, family, health, wisdom, and so on. Grizzly, Kodiak, whatever - There is NO way that they compare with the things that are important to me now.
The hold that tobacco had on me is slipping away and the habit is losing its grip.
It will undoubtedly catch someone else today and start the struggle anew, but the struggle here is DONE.
There is no way that tobacco can step to my Ninja willpower.
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SWJ, I really like you attitude. I lived the big lie and hid my dip addiction from my wife and family for years. Nothing was better for me than a frech juicy dip of cope out of a newly opened can. I finally decided to choose them over Dip Shit 135 days ago. Best Decision I ever made. You can DO this too - one day at a time. It will start to get better after the first week or so. 'Finger' Grizzely. PM if you need anything.
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VERY well written. I imagine a few of us on here can totally relate to where you are coming from.
Now come back here and read this every time you NEED a dip. Better yet - print it out and carry it with you so you'll always have it handy.
Welcome to April '09.
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"I don't think I'll do it though -"
Nice post SWJ, just one edit, change this to I know I WILL NOT do it.
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Nice post Wally, looking good, you've got the attitude to make it.
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I feel your pain SWT - I too am fighting the bear - and I AM WINNING - I too have a wife and 2 kids who deserve a dad to be around for a long time. I too would like a dip but not gonna go get one not this time. Proud to be walking this trail beside you.
abouttime487 - day 10
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Day #5 started today. Started strong. Today is going to be one of those days when The Habit is clearly weaker than I am. Last night was different though.
I broke.
Not like you might think - I did not cave in to The Habit - That's not going to happen. Instead, I found something else about this addiction that needed to be addressed - My honesty.
After supper, I told my wife that I had something to tell her - That it was partly bad and partly good. She looked worried and frightened and in that beautiful, innocent face I saw what I had done to her and I started to cry a little.
I told her that I had lied to her since we had known each other. I told her that every time she had caught me and I had promised to quit, I had not. I told her that I had NEVER gone more than 12 hours without tobacco, and I told her how sorry I was, and I told her about you guys, and I cried.
Some of those tears were for all the times I had snuck off to be by myself to enjoy a dip, and some of them were for the times that she had found a full can hidden in my spot and thrown it away... Most of them though, were because the husband I've been doesn't meet the husband that she deserves, and I'm ashamed of that. I told her that too.
But I also told her that I wasn't going to fail. Although this is my first attempt at quitting, I am only going to need one time, I told her. I promised her that I wouldn't let her down I told her again how so very sorry I was...
And the tears told her all the rest.
She knows that I'm dangerous when I set my mind on something. She knows that I am ultra-competitive and have a tendency to literally believe that I can do anything.
And because of the tears, she knows that I am being truthful. She knows how terribly sorry I am and she knows that the time has come. She knows how much I love and adore her and she knows that I do not fuck around when I make a decision.
I was broken last night after supper because I needed to be.
Today, though, I am rock solid because I want to be.
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Day #5 started today. Started strong. Today is going to be one of those days when The Habit is clearly weaker than I am. Last night was different though.
I broke.
Not like you might think - I did not cave in to The Habit - That's not going to happen. Instead, I found something else about this addiction that needed to be addressed - My honesty.
After supper, I told my wife that I had something to tell her - That it was partly bad and partly good. She looked worried and frightened and in that beautiful, innocent face I saw what I had done to her and I started to cry a little.
I told her that I had lied to her since we had known each other. I told her that every time she had caught me and I had promised to quit, I had not. I told her that I had NEVER gone more than 12 hours without tobacco, and I told her how sorry I was, and I told her about you guys, and I cried.
Some of those tears were for all the times I had snuck off to be by myself to enjoy a dip, and some of them were for the times that she had found a full can hidden in my spot and thrown it away... Most of them though, were because the husband I've been doesn't meet the husband that she deserves, and I'm ashamed of that. I told her that too.
But I also told her that I wasn't going to fail. Although this is my first attempt at quitting, I am only going to need one time, I told her. I promised her that I wouldn't let her down I told her again how so very sorry I was...
And the tears told her all the rest.
She knows that I'm dangerous when I set my mind on something. She knows that I am ultra-competitive and have a tendency to literally believe that I can do anything.
And because of the tears, she knows that I am being truthful. She knows how terribly sorry I am and she knows that the time has come. She knows how much I love and adore her and she knows that I do not fuck around when I make a decision.
I was broken last night after supper because I needed to be.
Today, though, I am rock solid because I want to be.
SWJ,
Damn, sounds like me almost 3 years ago. You sir, are going to be (are) a fine quitter. Just remember all the things your pouring out when the Nico-Bitch come knockin'. The shit will hit the fan and you will be ready. This is a ongoing process, and the power of nicotine is never to be underestimated. Your resolve is admirable, just keep it together, keep the faith, and keep the quit. B)
Quittin'Time.
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By the way, it's a brilliant idea to keep a daily journal of your quit. Start your own thread for that journal.......and better yet, get a little book (you know the ones with actual paper in them) and write all this shit down. I wish I had. Eventually you will want to look back on all of this and remember where you came from when you're sitting on top of the world.
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SWJ,
Awesome post. I must say that we seem to have a lot in common every time I see your post, and you're helping me with my quit even though you're only a day ahead of me. I'm going to have the exact same talk with my wife this weekend and I'm excited as hell that I get to come clean and have something positive (my quit) to bring to the table. but I also know it's going to be emotional since it is all a lie. Stay strong this weekend, because there are others out there just like you that need you to lead the way.
I will follow SWJ.
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Yesterday, I decided to cave.
36 days ago, I decided to stop dipping, for the sake of my wife and two little boys. I used dip tobacco for years, and really, genuinely enjoyed it. However, three weeks ago I decided to stop, for the three most important people in my life.
And I did. Cold turkey. Frankly, it was pretty easy. I found the KTC site and posted every day, I read the posts from dudes who were having a really tough time with their Quit, and I posted a few words of encouragement. I had never tried to quit before, but I was really proud of having gone three weeks without any tobacco.
But yesterday I decided to cave.
My wife and two boys left for a week on vacation. This, my friends, would be prime dipping time - I could put a wad of Grizzly in, sit in front of the TV, and just enjoy it... I literally thought about it for a week. To be honest, I could hardly wait.
They left. I waved to them. And I made two more decisions...
I Will Always Be Stronger Than Any Vice. And I Will Never Cave.
The verbal abuse that I would get in my Quit Forum here on KTC doesn't scare me in the least - If I ever decided to cave, I just wouldn't show up here anymore.
But I would know.
I would know that I was weak. And I Am Not Weak.
I would know that I let my family down. And They Are Everything To Me.
I would know that I lied to my boys. And I Am The Greatest Dad Ever.
I am a husband.
I am a father.
I am a member of KTC April 2009.
And I Am A Quitter.
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But you didn't cave.
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Amen
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Man, that strikes home pretty hard. As a newly joined quitter, I can relate to everything you just said, because that is how all my quits failed in the past, i.e., before KTC.
If there were an award for timely and/or relevant posts, you ought to receive it.
I know how absence of loved ones usually leads to THE bad thought.
Knowing that I have some tough times ahead with the simple craves, I will also be leaving for 3 weeks on a mission in WA... I must/will remember your post.
My biggest fear is the decision you made... and fortunately the one you brushed aside.
I'll be selfish here and say this:
Thanks for staying quit... and even more thanks for writing about it.
That took courage. You have no idea how this will help when the chips are down.
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...I could put a wad of Grizzly in, sit in front of the TV, and just enjoy it...
This is a really scary fuckin' post. I haven't had the pleasure to have spoken with you very much on these boards, SWJ, but I have certainly noticed that you post like a "Rambo-Badass" quitter. No chance whatsoever that you'll ever cave, no-sir-ee; not you. That's 'cause you're just too damn strong. Or so you said.
Now this. Fully pre-meditated, including the planned disappearance from the boards. It all makes me think of that Jimmy Cliff song, "The harder they come, the harder they fall."
Anyway I'd like to point out two things:
1. Graditude: Thanks for such an honest post. It just further supports the notion that none of us are fully beyond the grasp of the nic bitch.
2. The part of your quote that jumps out most to me is above; about "enjoying" dip. I think I used to "enjoy" dip. That lasted about 14 years. Then I just did it because I had to...not that I really wanted to. Now I haven't had it for over six months. I honestly don't know if I could ever "enjoy" it again, even if I tried. I can imagine the severe feelings of guilt and loss if I ever did it again. "Enjoy" it? Nope.
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Yesterday, I decided to cave.
36 days ago, I decided to stop dipping, for the sake of my wife and two little boys. I used dip tobacco for years, and really, genuinely enjoyed it. However, three weeks ago I decided to stop, for the three most important people in my life.
And I did. Cold turkey. Frankly, it was pretty easy. I found the KTC site and posted every day, I read the posts from dudes who were having a really tough time with their Quit, and I posted a few words of encouragement. I had never tried to quit before, but I was really proud of having gone three weeks without any tobacco.
But yesterday I decided to cave.
My wife and two boys left for a week on vacation. This, my friends, would be prime dipping time - I could put a wad of Grizzly in, sit in front of the TV, and just enjoy it... I literally thought about it for a week. To be honest, I could hardly wait.
They left. I waved to them. And I made two more decisions...
I Will Always Be Stronger Than Any Vice. And I Will Never Cave.
The verbal abuse that I would get in my Quit Forum here on KTC doesn't scare me in the least - If I ever decided to cave, I just wouldn't show up here anymore.
But I would know.
I would know that I was weak. And I Am Not Weak.
I would know that I let my family down. And They Are Everything To Me.
I would know that I lied to my boys. And I Am The Greatest Dad Ever.
I am a husband.
I am a father.
I am a member of KTC April 2009.
And I Am A Quitter.
My quit brotha.... That, is a fabulous post!!! Nice work, I'm right beside you.
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Congrats. That's solid.
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Yesterday, I decided to cave.
36 days ago, I decided to stop dipping, for the sake of my wife and two little boys. I used dip tobacco for years, and really, genuinely enjoyed it. However, three weeks ago I decided to stop, for the three most important people in my life.Â
And I did. Cold turkey. Frankly, it was pretty easy. I found the KTC site and posted every day, I read the posts from dudes who were having a really tough time with their Quit, and I posted a few words of encouragement. I had never tried to quit before, but I was really proud of having gone three weeks without any tobacco.
But yesterday I decided to cave.
My wife and two boys left for a week on vacation. This, my friends, would be prime dipping time - I could put a wad of Grizzly in, sit in front of the TV, and just enjoy it... I literally thought about it for a week. To be honest, I could hardly wait.
They left. I waved to them. And I made two more decisions...
I Will Always Be Stronger Than Any Vice. And I Will Never Cave.
The verbal abuse that I would get in my Quit Forum here on KTC doesn't scare me in the least - If I ever decided to cave, I just wouldn't show up here anymore.
But I would know.
I would know that I was weak. And I Am Not Weak.
I would know that I let my family down. And They Are Everything To Me.
I would know that I lied to my boys. And I Am The Greatest Dad Ever.
I am a husband.
I am a father.
I am a member of KTC April 2009.
And I Am A Quitter.
My quit brotha.... That, is a fabulous post!!! Nice work, I'm right beside you.
What he said. Apr09. Nice post, SWJ.
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Yesterday, I decided to cave.
36 days ago, I decided to stop dipping, for the sake of my wife and two little boys. I used dip tobacco for years, and really, genuinely enjoyed it. However, three weeks ago I decided to stop, for the three most important people in my life.Â
And I did. Cold turkey. Frankly, it was pretty easy. I found the KTC site and posted every day, I read the posts from dudes who were having a really tough time with their Quit, and I posted a few words of encouragement. I had never tried to quit before, but I was really proud of having gone three weeks without any tobacco.
But yesterday I decided to cave.
My wife and two boys left for a week on vacation. This, my friends, would be prime dipping time - I could put a wad of Grizzly in, sit in front of the TV, and just enjoy it... I literally thought about it for a week. To be honest, I could hardly wait.
They left. I waved to them. And I made two more decisions...
I Will Always Be Stronger Than Any Vice. And I Will Never Cave.
The verbal abuse that I would get in my Quit Forum here on KTC doesn't scare me in the least - If I ever decided to cave, I just wouldn't show up here anymore.
But I would know.
I would know that I was weak. And I Am Not Weak.
I would know that I let my family down. And They Are Everything To Me.
I would know that I lied to my boys. And I Am The Greatest Dad Ever.
I am a husband.
I am a father.
I am a member of KTC April 2009.
And I Am A Quitter.
My quit brotha.... That, is a fabulous post!!! Nice work, I'm right beside you.
What he said. Apr09. Nice post, SWJ.
Here we are at the end of the week. Family is coming home from vacation soon.
And how has the week versus tobacco been...?
Solid. Easy. Just shrugged that shit off like it was nothing.
No laying awake at night. No itching for nicotine. No craving.
Just smooth, solid days of working hard and missing my wife and little guys.
Just like a stand-up husband and father is supposed to be...
I'm proud, boys. I'm proud that we're still here.
I'm proud of the decision we've each made and I'm proud that I haven't caved.
And I won't cave. Ever.
My wife has my word. My boys have my word.
And each of you have my word.
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Yesterday, I decided to cave.
36 days ago, I decided to stop dipping, for the sake of my wife and two little boys. I used dip tobacco for years, and really, genuinely enjoyed it. However, three weeks ago I decided to stop, for the three most important people in my life.Â
And I did. Cold turkey. Frankly, it was pretty easy. I found the KTC site and posted every day, I read the posts from dudes who were having a really tough time with their Quit, and I posted a few words of encouragement. I had never tried to quit before, but I was really proud of having gone three weeks without any tobacco.
But yesterday I decided to cave.
My wife and two boys left for a week on vacation. This, my friends, would be prime dipping time - I could put a wad of Grizzly in, sit in front of the TV, and just enjoy it... I literally thought about it for a week. To be honest, I could hardly wait.
They left. I waved to them. And I made two more decisions...
I Will Always Be Stronger Than Any Vice. And I Will Never Cave.
The verbal abuse that I would get in my Quit Forum here on KTC doesn't scare me in the least - If I ever decided to cave, I just wouldn't show up here anymore.
But I would know.
I would know that I was weak. And I Am Not Weak.
I would know that I let my family down. And They Are Everything To Me.
I would know that I lied to my boys. And I Am The Greatest Dad Ever.
I am a husband.
I am a father.
I am a member of KTC April 2009.
And I Am A Quitter.
My quit brotha.... That, is a fabulous post!!! Nice work, I'm right beside you.
What he said. Apr09. Nice post, SWJ.
Here we are at the end of the week. Family is coming home from vacation soon.
And how has the week versus tobacco been...?
Solid. Easy. Just shrugged that shit off like it was nothing.
No laying awake at night. No itching for nicotine. No craving.
Just smooth, solid days of working hard and missing my wife and little guys.
Just like a stand-up husband and father is supposed to be...
I'm proud, boys. I'm proud that we're still here.
I'm proud of the decision we've each made and I'm proud that I haven't caved.
And I won't cave. Ever.
My wife has my word. My boys have my word.
And each of you have my word.
SWJ -
Don't ever forget the feeling you just described in your post. There will be days you need to "tap into" that feeling for support. I know the feeling, I've had the feeling but fucked up when I turned my back on this site during my original quit. I'm starting to get that feeling back myself and I'm only on day 4 of my new and improved quit. I share this with you so you can avoid the same mistake I made.
Gooch
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Forgetting the fact that, apart from this page's untouchable awesomeness, this is a blatant rip-off of Dave's idea to start his own page...
And apart from the fact that my prematurely ejaculatory posting of Day 100 on Day 99 was more than a little embarrassing...
It occurs to me that, although I really have reached Day 100, it might as well be the first day of my Quit.
Just like, in my business, the end of each month simply brings another month of new challenges, I surmise that the next 100 days will not be without their challenges.
And I intend to crush them.
So, I've decided to post them here. If you are reading this, I call that it automatically means that you think I rule. I also call that it means that we're in the same place...
Whether you're on Day #1 or Day #365, a brotherhood exists between us and that alone gives you the right to post shit on my page - You're welcome to it.
I'm more glad to be here with you dudes than I thought I would be...
And I'm looking forward to tomorrow, which is Day #100... + 1.
Booya.
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Since I already called that this is my very own page, I can add whatever I want.
And since today was Day #100 for me, I went back to look at some of the few posts that I put up over the last three months.
And in thinking that the remote chance exists that someone else might be helped by something from my own Quit, I thought I'd put some of those posts here.
The first one was my introduction or My Reasons (http://forum.killthecan.org/index.php?showtopic=2054&hl=) for quitting.
Personally, I thought they were pretty good.
Another one I found was one I posted right after I told my wife about my habit and my decision to Quit (http://forum.killthecan.org/index.php?showtopic=2067&hl=).
That one was a tough one to write. Wicked helpful to me though.
The last one I posted right after I was considering a Cave (http://forum.killthecan.org/index.php?showtopic=2155&hl=).
That was one of the toughest times during my whole Quit.
Perhaps the most awesome thing to me about these posts are the responses that my Brothers gave. It's a little weird that it didn't strike me as awesome then as it does now.
If you're a new Quitter, these posts should illustrate the bad-assery of the support that you'll find here.
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Yes, I congratulated you yesterday on 100 and will do the same today on your real 100.
Thanks for letting me post shit on your page bro, you rule!
Here's to your 100+1 'Cheers'
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Yes, I congratulated you yesterday on 100 and will do the same today on your real 100.
Thanks for letting me post shit on your page bro, you rule!
Here's to your 100+1 'Cheers'
You Rock, Move.
Welcome to the first inaugural other-dude post on my page.
You don't win shit.
But you should be feeling an overwhelming sense of awesomeness at the auspiciousness of the occasion.
Thanks, Brother.
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For your page to retain its intended awesome aura, it must be updated, and leave no post/response unanswered, otherwise it'll just be gay.
Hey, I'm 100 + 10 +1, there's not going to be another day like today for a while!
Congrats on the triple digits plus!
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For your page to retain its intended awesome aura, it must be updated, and leave no post/response unanswered, otherwise it'll just be gay.
Hey, I'm 100 + 10 +1, there's not going to be another day like today for a while!
Congrats on the triple digits plus!
On this page, gayness and other forms of verbal ass-piracy will not be tolerated and will be otherwise strictly prohibited.
Lumberjacks, ninjas, and vikings are most certainly welcome.
As are True Quit Brothers.
Thanks, Roy -
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A Rumination On The Thong
I was in the gym this morning doing my thing.
You know, benching 1,000 lbs and other pretty easy stuff like that.
In front of me, an older lady got on the treadmill to do her thing, and bent over to tie her shoe.
Now, before I get to the action part of the scene there is a small amount of character development that must take place...
This lady, although I'm sure she's a nice person, closely resembles a troll or some other nasty mythical creature of your choice.
She probably goes 250 or so and most of that is ass.
She's got a face that would stop a clock and a fro that probably hasn't seen a comb or brush since 1962.
Anyway, when she bent over in front of me, it was obvious that she was sporting a thong underneath her clam diggers.
Now, I've seen my fair share of thongs. I know fair well that there are moderate thongs and demure thongs, as well as other kinds.
This one was what you'd call a ho-thong. Like stripper nasty.
Simultaneously, I was both horrified and fascinated.
This was the equivalent of putting ho-panties on the bumper of a Buick.
But she owned it. Sporting that ass like a chick in a Busta Rhymes video.
And I gave her mental props because it occured to me that the only thing that rivals the size of that ass is the depth of her self-confidence. "Good for her" I thought. "And good for her old man too" I also thought.
(I've got to try to remember to remind my wife, when she's old and big, that thongs do it for me...)
And I also think that, as a dude, you could put a nasty, stripper-thong on a water buffalo and I would think it was hot.
Just something about it...
And now I'm stuck thinking about those 3 ounces of fabric covering 20 yds of ass...
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This post serves only to move my Page Of Awesomeness ahead of Smokey's Page Of Douchery.
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Simultaneously, I was both horrified and fascinated.
But she owned it. Sporting that ass like a chick in a Busta Rhymes video.
put a nasty, stripper-thong on a water buffalo and I would think it was hot.
THANKS FOR A GOOD MORNING LAUGH!!!
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Busted a gut on the thong story...I'll give it to you...YES you do own it..the thong and the ass that is! That is your mental picture to keep for the rest of your life..now I think I'll go wash my brain out with soap! 'crackup'
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Busted a gut on the thong story...I'll give it to you...YES you do own it..the thong and the ass that is! That is your mental picture to keep for the rest of your life..now I think I'll go wash my brain out with soap! 'crackup'
I am so awesome that I will sacrifice my own awesomeness to celebrate ndrooster's 8th green dot. Shplazamoh!! Put that bling on a piece of ryebread and call it my hero.
-
A Rumination On The Thong
I was in the gym this morning doing my thing.
You know, benching 1,000 lbs and other pretty easy stuff like that.
In front of me, an older lady got on the treadmill to do her thing, and bent over to tie her shoe.
Now, before I get to the action part of the scene there is a small amount of character development that must take place...
This lady, although I'm sure she's a nice person, closely resembles a troll or some other nasty mythical creature of your choice.
She probably goes 250 or so and most of that is ass.
She's got a face that would stop a clock and a fro that probably hasn't seen a comb or brush since 1962.
Anyway, when she bent over in front of me, it was obvious that she was sporting a thong underneath her clam diggers.
Now, I've seen my fair share of thongs. I know fair well that there are moderate thongs and demure thongs, as well as other kinds.
This one was what you'd call a ho-thong. Like stripper nasty.
Simultaneously, I was both horrified and fascinated.
This was the equivalent of putting ho-panties on the bumper of a Buick.
But she owned it. Sporting that ass like a chick in a Busta Rhymes video.
And I gave her mental props because it occured to me that the only thing that rivals the size of that ass is the depth of her self-confidence. "Good for her" I thought. "And good for her old man too" I also thought.
(I've got to try to remember to remind my wife, when she's old and big, that thongs do it for me...)
And I also think that, as a dude, you could put a nasty, stripper-thong on a water buffalo and I would think it was hot.
Just something about it...
And now I'm stuck thinking about those 3 ounces of fabric covering 20 yds of ass...
That, my friend, was awesome...
-
Day #102.
I've been reading, over the past few months, lists of all the things people won't miss about dipping or chewing. Lists that contain stuff about spraying dip juice all over the place and spitting into your wife's coffee cup and other crazy shit like that.
You guys are rude.
But there's one thing I haven't seen on any list.
Now the disclaimer here is that the distinct possibility exists that the following is a can-hiding method previously unemployed by even the most ninja-fied dipper. It may be shocking as well as disturbing...So if you're a 5-year old, you may want to fuck off.
Simply put, I will not miss hiding my dip can behind my ball sac.
There I said it.
For those of you who reside in warmer climes, you may have noticed the proliferation of short pant wearing dudes. Well, I don't live in warmer climes, but I am one of those dudes.
Many types of shorts, for those of you who are unobservant idiots, do not have pockets.
(Personally, I think shorts with pockets in them are gay.)
Now, if your powers of reading comprehension are anywhere north of retarded, you will have taken from this that I very often wear shorts with no pockets.
Which, of course, leaves a stealthy dipper to ponder the question about where he will hide his dip can.
Well, one of the most unique and ground breaking innovations known to mankind is, of course, the ball sac.
Incredibly versatile, this globular feat of human engineering can be scratched by its owner for spine tingling pleasure.
It can be kneaded, like a hairy loaf of bread, which results in a pleasurable feeling, albeit different than from scratching.
It has a seam, but no opening.
And on holidays, you can even paint a face on it to make a goulish sac-o-lantern.
Being the rock star that I am, I had added another amazing feature to my sac.
I could hide stuff behind it.
Using the inherent properties of my bag, I found that a can of dip was the perfect size to be hidden behind its bulk. Jammed deftly between the rear bumper of my nads and my gootch, I found that my Grizzly can would allow itself to be safely transported about. My versatile bag hung perfectly about the can, rendering it completely undetectable.
Now if your wife is at all like mine, she is a fan and enthusiastic supporter of your "danger-area".
This is a source of concern for dudes hiding shit behind their balls.
While you are transporting your dip can in the space between berries and gootch, it is vitally important to keep people from groping you. This is to say that, while the ball-notch method is otherwise impervious to detection, if your wife happens to grope you while you are transporting, your shit will be ruined. Game over.
Not to mention that your local health board would probably frown on you putting something in your mouth from a container that you kept in such close proximity to your tailpipe.
Unbelievable.
And don't judge me either, bitches. I never drank my own spit or anything gross like that.
But now that I'm not wedging cans of Grizzly in my crotch pocket, I wonder what a newly rational person could do with all that genital storage space...
-
Day #102.
I've been reading, over the past few months, lists of all the things people won't miss about dipping or chewing. Lists that contain stuff about spraying dip juice all over the place and spitting into your wife's coffee cup and other crazy shit like that.
You guys are rude.
But there's one thing I haven't seen on any list.
Now the disclaimer here is that the distinct possibility exists that the following is a can-hiding method previously unemployed by even the most ninja-fied dipper. It may be shocking as well as disturbing...So if you're a 5-year old, you may want to fuck off.
Simply put, I will not miss hiding my dip can behind my ball sac.
There I said it.
For those of you who reside in warmer climes, you may have noticed the proliferation of short pant wearing dudes. Well, I don't live in warmer climes, but I am one of those dudes.
Many types of shorts, for those of you who are unobservant idiots, do not have pockets.
(Personally, I think shorts with pockets in them are gay.)
Now, if your powers of reading comprehension are anywhere north of retarded, you will have taken from this that I very often wear shorts with no pockets.
Which, of course, leaves a stealthy dipper to ponder the question about where he will hide his dip can.
Well, one of the most unique and ground breaking innovations known to mankind is, of course, the ball sac.
Incredibly versatile, this globular feat of human engineering can be scratched by its owner for spine tingling pleasure.
It can be kneaded, like a hairy loaf of bread, which results in a pleasurable feeling, albeit different than from scratching.
It has a seam, but no opening.
And on holidays, you can even paint a face on it to make a goulish sac-o-lantern.
Being the rock star that I am, I had added another amazing feature to my sac.
I could hide stuff behind it.
Using the inherent properties of my bag, I found that a can of dip was the perfect size to be hidden behind its bulk. Jammed deftly between the rear bumper of my nads and my gootch, I found that my Grizzly can would allow itself to be safely transported about. My versatile bag hung perfectly about the can, rendering it completely undetectable.
Now if your wife is at all like mine, she is a fan and enthusiastic supporter of your "danger-area".
This is a source of concern for dudes hiding shit behind their balls.
While you are transporting your dip can in the space between berries and gootch, it is vitally important to keep people from groping you. This is to say that, while the ball-notch method is otherwise impervious to detection, if your wife happens to grope you while you are transporting, your shit will be ruined. Game over.
Not to mention that your local health board would probably frown on you putting something in your mouth from a container that you kept in such close proximity to your tailpipe.
Unbelievable.
And don't judge me either, bitches. I never drank my own spit or anything gross like that.
But now that I'm not wedging cans of Grizzly in my crotch pocket, I wonder what a newly rational person could do with all that genital storage space...
Words can not express the sheer awesomness of this post. 'worship'
-
Day #102.
I've been reading, over the past few months, lists of all the things people won't miss about dipping or chewing. Lists that contain stuff about spraying dip juice all over the place and spitting into your wife's coffee cup and other crazy shit like that.
You guys are rude.
But there's one thing I haven't seen on any list.Â
Now the disclaimer here is that the distinct possibility exists that the following is a can-hiding method previously unemployed by even the most ninja-fied dipper. It may be shocking as well as disturbing...So if you're a 5-year old, you may want to fuck off.
Simply put, I will not miss hiding my dip can behind my ball sac.
There I said it.
For those of you who reside in warmer climes, you may have noticed the proliferation of short pant wearing dudes. Well, I don't live in warmer climes, but I am one of those dudes.
Many types of shorts, for those of you who are unobservant idiots, do not have pockets.
(Personally, I think shorts with pockets in them are gay.)
Now, if your powers of reading comprehension are anywhere north of retarded, you will have taken from this that I very often wear shorts with no pockets.
Which, of course, leaves a stealthy dipper to ponder the question about where he will hide his dip can.
Well, one of the most unique and ground breaking innovations known to mankind is, of course, the ball sac.
Incredibly versatile, this globular feat of human engineering can be scratched by its owner for spine tingling pleasure.Â
It can be kneaded, like a hairy loaf of bread, which results in a pleasurable feeling, albeit different than from scratching.Â
It has a seam, but no opening.
And on holidays, you can even paint a face on it to make a goulish sac-o-lantern.
Being the rock star that I am, I had added another amazing feature to my sac.
I could hide stuff behind it.
Using the inherent properties of my bag, I found that a can of dip was the perfect size to be hidden behind its bulk. Jammed deftly between the rear bumper of my nads and my gootch, I found that my Grizzly can would allow itself to be safely transported about. My versatile bag hung perfectly about the can, rendering it completely undetectable.
Now if your wife is at all like mine, she is a fan and enthusiastic supporter of your "danger-area".
This is a source of concern for dudes hiding shit behind their balls.
While you are transporting your dip can in the space between berries and gootch, it is vitally important to keep people from groping you. This is to say that, while the ball-notch method is otherwise impervious to detection, if your wife happens to grope you while you are transporting, your shit will be ruined. Game over.
Not to mention that your local health board would probably frown on you putting something in your mouth from a container that you kept in such close proximity to your tailpipe.
Unbelievable.
And don't judge me either, bitches. I never drank my own spit or anything gross like that.
But now that I'm not wedging cans of Grizzly in my crotch pocket, I wonder what a newly rational person could do with all that genital storage space...
Words can not express the sheer awesomness of this post. 'worship'
This is a great confession.
Now, have you come clean with the "lemme bum a dip off you" boys yet?
Them peeps "taint" gonna be real happy.......
-
Day #102.
I've been reading, over the past few months, lists of all the things people won't miss about dipping or chewing. Lists that contain stuff about spraying dip juice all over the place and spitting into your wife's coffee cup and other crazy shit like that.
You guys are rude.
But there's one thing I haven't seen on any list.Â
Now the disclaimer here is that the distinct possibility exists that the following is a can-hiding method previously unemployed by even the most ninja-fied dipper. It may be shocking as well as disturbing...So if you're a 5-year old, you may want to fuck off.
Simply put, I will not miss hiding my dip can behind my ball sac.
There I said it.
For those of you who reside in warmer climes, you may have noticed the proliferation of short pant wearing dudes. Well, I don't live in warmer climes, but I am one of those dudes.
Many types of shorts, for those of you who are unobservant idiots, do not have pockets.
(Personally, I think shorts with pockets in them are gay.)
Now, if your powers of reading comprehension are anywhere north of retarded, you will have taken from this that I very often wear shorts with no pockets.
Which, of course, leaves a stealthy dipper to ponder the question about where he will hide his dip can.
Well, one of the most unique and ground breaking innovations known to mankind is, of course, the ball sac.
Incredibly versatile, this globular feat of human engineering can be scratched by its owner for spine tingling pleasure.Â
It can be kneaded, like a hairy loaf of bread, which results in a pleasurable feeling, albeit different than from scratching.Â
It has a seam, but no opening.
And on holidays, you can even paint a face on it to make a goulish sac-o-lantern.
Being the rock star that I am, I had added another amazing feature to my sac.
I could hide stuff behind it.
Using the inherent properties of my bag, I found that a can of dip was the perfect size to be hidden behind its bulk. Jammed deftly between the rear bumper of my nads and my gootch, I found that my Grizzly can would allow itself to be safely transported about. My versatile bag hung perfectly about the can, rendering it completely undetectable.
Now if your wife is at all like mine, she is a fan and enthusiastic supporter of your "danger-area".
This is a source of concern for dudes hiding shit behind their balls.
While you are transporting your dip can in the space between berries and gootch, it is vitally important to keep people from groping you. This is to say that, while the ball-notch method is otherwise impervious to detection, if your wife happens to grope you while you are transporting, your shit will be ruined. Game over.
Not to mention that your local health board would probably frown on you putting something in your mouth from a container that you kept in such close proximity to your tailpipe.
Unbelievable.
And don't judge me either, bitches. I never drank my own spit or anything gross like that.
But now that I'm not wedging cans of Grizzly in my crotch pocket, I wonder what a newly rational person could do with all that genital storage space...
Words can not express the sheer awesomness of this post. 'worship'
This is a great confession.
Now, have you come clean with the "lemme bum a dip off you" boys yet?
Them peeps "taint" gonna be real happy.......
That "Area" is a perfect storage site for your "Smokeyg" signed HOF knife and coin- I keep mine in a pocket, but you know if it is a valuable- keep it in a safe place!
-
Day #102.
But now that I'm not wedging cans of Grizzly in my crotch pocket, I wonder what a newly rational person could do with all that genital storage space...
Words can not express the sheer awesomness of this post. 'worship'
This is a great confession.
Now, have you come clean with the "lemme bum a dip off you" boys yet?
Them peeps "taint" gonna be real happy.......
That "Area" is a perfect storage site for your "Smokeyg" signed HOF knife and coin- I keep mine in a pocket, but you know if it is a valuable- keep it in a safe place!
I always thought it would be awesome to have my stomach covered with ball skin. Imagine all the things you could carry by pulling it out into a pouch. If you forgot your long sleeves you could wrap them up in your warm tummy-blanket. Forgot your raincoat, no problem with your insta-hoodie!
-
Day #102.
I've been reading, over the past few months, lists of all the things people won't miss about dipping or chewing. Lists that contain stuff about spraying dip juice all over the place and spitting into your wife's coffee cup and other crazy shit like that.
You guys are rude.
But there's one thing I haven't seen on any list.Â
Now the disclaimer here is that the distinct possibility exists that the following is a can-hiding method previously unemployed by even the most ninja-fied dipper. It may be shocking as well as disturbing...So if you're a 5-year old, you may want to fuck off.
Simply put, I will not miss hiding my dip can behind my ball sac.
There I said it.
For those of you who reside in warmer climes, you may have noticed the proliferation of short pant wearing dudes. Well, I don't live in warmer climes, but I am one of those dudes.
Many types of shorts, for those of you who are unobservant idiots, do not have pockets.
(Personally, I think shorts with pockets in them are gay.)
Now, if your powers of reading comprehension are anywhere north of retarded, you will have taken from this that I very often wear shorts with no pockets.
Which, of course, leaves a stealthy dipper to ponder the question about where he will hide his dip can.
Well, one of the most unique and ground breaking innovations known to mankind is, of course, the ball sac.
Incredibly versatile, this globular feat of human engineering can be scratched by its owner for spine tingling pleasure.Â
It can be kneaded, like a hairy loaf of bread, which results in a pleasurable feeling, albeit different than from scratching.Â
It has a seam, but no opening.
And on holidays, you can even paint a face on it to make a goulish sac-o-lantern.
Being the rock star that I am, I had added another amazing feature to my sac.
I could hide stuff behind it.
Using the inherent properties of my bag, I found that a can of dip was the perfect size to be hidden behind its bulk. Jammed deftly between the rear bumper of my nads and my gootch, I found that my Grizzly can would allow itself to be safely transported about. My versatile bag hung perfectly about the can, rendering it completely undetectable.
Now if your wife is at all like mine, she is a fan and enthusiastic supporter of your "danger-area".
This is a source of concern for dudes hiding shit behind their balls.
While you are transporting your dip can in the space between berries and gootch, it is vitally important to keep people from groping you. This is to say that, while the ball-notch method is otherwise impervious to detection, if your wife happens to grope you while you are transporting, your shit will be ruined. Game over.
Not to mention that your local health board would probably frown on you putting something in your mouth from a container that you kept in such close proximity to your tailpipe.
Unbelievable.
And don't judge me either, bitches. I never drank my own spit or anything gross like that.
But now that I'm not wedging cans of Grizzly in my crotch pocket, I wonder what a newly rational person could do with all that genital storage space...
Words can not express the sheer awesomness of this post. 'worship'
This is a great confession.
Now, have you come clean with the "lemme bum a dip off you" boys yet?
Them peeps "taint" gonna be real happy.......
That "Area" is a perfect storage site for your "Smokeyg" signed HOF knife and coin- I keep mine in a pocket, but you know if it is a valuable- keep it in a safe place!
We just don't get confessions of this quality in the May '09 group. I am left in awe!!!
Colonel renders a standing ovation
-
Day #102.
But now that I'm not wedging cans of Grizzly in my crotch pocket, I wonder what a newly rational person could do with all that genital storage space...
Words can not express the sheer awesomness of this post. 'worship'
This is a great confession.
Now, have you come clean with the "lemme bum a dip off you" boys yet?
Them peeps "taint" gonna be real happy.......
That "Area" is a perfect storage site for your "Smokeyg" signed HOF knife and coin- I keep mine in a pocket, but you know if it is a valuable- keep it in a safe place!
I always thought it would be awesome to have my stomach covered with ball skin. Imagine all the things you could carry by pulling it out into a pouch. If you forgot your long sleeves you could wrap them up in your warm tummy-blanket. Forgot your raincoat, no problem with your insta-hoodie!
Personally, now that I'm no longer using my sac for a stealthy dip can hiding place, I've started keeping my pocket change back there.
It's incredibly convenient.
When buying a cup of coffee in the morning, it's admirable to be able to do a manly squat-wiggle and have quarter fall out from behind your balls.
Makes people think you're literally made of money...
-
Day #102.
But now that I'm not wedging cans of Grizzly in my crotch pocket, I wonder what a newly rational person could do with all that genital storage space...
Words can not express the sheer awesomness of this post. 'worship'
This is a great confession.
Now, have you come clean with the "lemme bum a dip off you" boys yet?
Them peeps "taint" gonna be real happy.......
That "Area" is a perfect storage site for your "Smokeyg" signed HOF knife and coin- I keep mine in a pocket, but you know if it is a valuable- keep it in a safe place!
I always thought it would be awesome to have my stomach covered with ball skin. Imagine all the things you could carry by pulling it out into a pouch. If you forgot your long sleeves you could wrap them up in your warm tummy-blanket. Forgot your raincoat, no problem with your insta-hoodie!
Personally, now that I'm no longer using my sac for a stealthy dip can hiding place, I've started keeping my pocket change back there.
It's incredibly convenient.
When buying a cup of coffee in the morning, it's admirable to be able to do a manly squat-wiggle and have quarter fall out from behind your balls.
Makes people think you're literally made of money...
It only took two days to squish me like bug. Your awesomeness potential has blossomed into a tingly ballbag. Good shit SWJ...good shit...and just for being super awesome...good shit.
-
SWJ: I do not believe that your wife is a fan of your danger area. As a married man, I find the concept utterly dubious.
But regarding the sac business, I won't call you a liar. I also hid my tin behind my balls. Did you ever stash a can there during a hot summer day and sweat through the label on the lid, leaving a messy network of partly glued paper globs in your grundle muff? I do miss that.
-
SWJ: I do not believe that your wife is a fan of your danger area. As a married man, I find the concept utterly dubious.
But regarding the sac business, I won't call you a liar. I also hid my tin behind my balls. Did you ever stash a can there during a hot summer day and sweat through the label on the lid, leaving a messy network of partly glued paper globs in your grundle muff? I do miss that.
First, never question the undeniable attraction of my bag. Or I will ruin your shit.
Second, although my nads are awe-inspiring, they have also been known to perspire.
This, in manly circles, is commonly known as "Swamp-Ass" or simply "Swamp".
Hiding things behind your balls is best left to professionals, due in part to the unsavory effects of Swamp-Ass.
Aside from making your gootch smell like a grass fire, Swamp is exceedingly viscous, and makes whatever you hide back there really slippery.
Although I have never experienced Ball-Sac-Hiding-Place-Swamp-Slippage, it has been known to cause many a dude to get his shit stomped after unwillingly exposing whatever cargo he happened to have been carrying.
What's more, picking the sweaty remains of a two-inch adhesive label out from behind your jewels is not only unsanitary and embarassing, it's also gay because it causes you to have to spend way more time playing with your chassis than is socially acceptable.
This is just one more reason not to use tobacco.
Because your shit might fall out from behind your bag at an inopportune moment.
-
Day #102.
I've been reading, over the past few months, lists of all the things people won't miss about dipping or chewing. Lists that contain stuff about spraying dip juice all over the place and spitting into your wife's coffee cup and other crazy shit like that.
You guys are rude.
But there's one thing I haven't seen on any list.Â
Now the disclaimer here is that the distinct possibility exists that the following is a can-hiding method previously unemployed by even the most ninja-fied dipper. It may be shocking as well as disturbing...So if you're a 5-year old, you may want to fuck off.
Simply put, I will not miss hiding my dip can behind my ball sac.
There I said it.
For those of you who reside in warmer climes, you may have noticed the proliferation of short pant wearing dudes. Well, I don't live in warmer climes, but I am one of those dudes.
Many types of shorts, for those of you who are unobservant idiots, do not have pockets.
(Personally, I think shorts with pockets in them are gay.)
Now, if your powers of reading comprehension are anywhere north of retarded, you will have taken from this that I very often wear shorts with no pockets.
Which, of course, leaves a stealthy dipper to ponder the question about where he will hide his dip can.
Well, one of the most unique and ground breaking innovations known to mankind is, of course, the ball sac.
Incredibly versatile, this globular feat of human engineering can be scratched by its owner for spine tingling pleasure.Â
It can be kneaded, like a hairy loaf of bread, which results in a pleasurable feeling, albeit different than from scratching.Â
It has a seam, but no opening.
And on holidays, you can even paint a face on it to make a goulish sac-o-lantern.
Being the rock star that I am, I had added another amazing feature to my sac.
I could hide stuff behind it.
Using the inherent properties of my bag, I found that a can of dip was the perfect size to be hidden behind its bulk. Jammed deftly between the rear bumper of my nads and my gootch, I found that my Grizzly can would allow itself to be safely transported about. My versatile bag hung perfectly about the can, rendering it completely undetectable.
Now if your wife is at all like mine, she is a fan and enthusiastic supporter of your "danger-area".
This is a source of concern for dudes hiding shit behind their balls.
While you are transporting your dip can in the space between berries and gootch, it is vitally important to keep people from groping you. This is to say that, while the ball-notch method is otherwise impervious to detection, if your wife happens to grope you while you are transporting, your shit will be ruined. Game over.
Not to mention that your local health board would probably frown on you putting something in your mouth from a container that you kept in such close proximity to your tailpipe.
Unbelievable.
And don't judge me either, bitches. I never drank my own spit or anything gross like that.
But now that I'm not wedging cans of Grizzly in my crotch pocket, I wonder what a newly rational person could do with all that genital storage space...
Words can not express the sheer awesomness of this post. 'worship'
This is a great confession.
Now, have you come clean with the "lemme bum a dip off you" boys yet?
Them peeps "taint" gonna be real happy.......
That "Area" is a perfect storage site for your "Smokeyg" signed HOF knife and coin- I keep mine in a pocket, but you know if it is a valuable- keep it in a safe place!
We just don't get confessions of this quality in the May '09 group. I am left in awe!!!
Colonel renders a standing ovation
:blink:
mule quietly eases back thru the door hoping nobody saw his truck in the parking lot........
-
Day #102.
I've been reading, over the past few months, lists of all the things people won't miss about dipping or chewing. Lists that contain stuff about spraying dip juice all over the place and spitting into your wife's coffee cup and other crazy shit like that.
You guys are rude.
But there's one thing I haven't seen on any list.Â
Now the disclaimer here is that the distinct possibility exists that the following is a can-hiding method previously unemployed by even the most ninja-fied dipper. It may be shocking as well as disturbing...So if you're a 5-year old, you may want to fuck off.
Simply put, I will not miss hiding my dip can behind my ball sac.
There I said it.
For those of you who reside in warmer climes, you may have noticed the proliferation of short pant wearing dudes. Well, I don't live in warmer climes, but I am one of those dudes.
Many types of shorts, for those of you who are unobservant idiots, do not have pockets.
(Personally, I think shorts with pockets in them are gay.)
Now, if your powers of reading comprehension are anywhere north of retarded, you will have taken from this that I very often wear shorts with no pockets.
Which, of course, leaves a stealthy dipper to ponder the question about where he will hide his dip can.
Well, one of the most unique and ground breaking innovations known to mankind is, of course, the ball sac.
Incredibly versatile, this globular feat of human engineering can be scratched by its owner for spine tingling pleasure.Â
It can be kneaded, like a hairy loaf of bread, which results in a pleasurable feeling, albeit different than from scratching.Â
It has a seam, but no opening.
And on holidays, you can even paint a face on it to make a goulish sac-o-lantern.
Being the rock star that I am, I had added another amazing feature to my sac.
I could hide stuff behind it.
Using the inherent properties of my bag, I found that a can of dip was the perfect size to be hidden behind its bulk. Jammed deftly between the rear bumper of my nads and my gootch, I found that my Grizzly can would allow itself to be safely transported about. My versatile bag hung perfectly about the can, rendering it completely undetectable.
Now if your wife is at all like mine, she is a fan and enthusiastic supporter of your "danger-area".
This is a source of concern for dudes hiding shit behind their balls.
While you are transporting your dip can in the space between berries and gootch, it is vitally important to keep people from groping you. This is to say that, while the ball-notch method is otherwise impervious to detection, if your wife happens to grope you while you are transporting, your shit will be ruined. Game over.
Not to mention that your local health board would probably frown on you putting something in your mouth from a container that you kept in such close proximity to your tailpipe.
Unbelievable.
And don't judge me either, bitches. I never drank my own spit or anything gross like that.
But now that I'm not wedging cans of Grizzly in my crotch pocket, I wonder what a newly rational person could do with all that genital storage space...
Words can not express the sheer awesomness of this post. 'worship'
This is a great confession.
Now, have you come clean with the "lemme bum a dip off you" boys yet?
Them peeps "taint" gonna be real happy.......
That "Area" is a perfect storage site for your "Smokeyg" signed HOF knife and coin- I keep mine in a pocket, but you know if it is a valuable- keep it in a safe place!
We just don't get confessions of this quality in the May '09 group. I am left in awe!!!
Colonel renders a standing ovation
:blink:
mule quietly eases back thru the door hoping nobody saw his truck in the parking lot........
I got pics
-
Thought Of The Day...
Reasons Why Lo Pan Is The Shit
1.If you don't know who Lo Pan is, go fuck yourself. Or at least click here. (http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_h_hC-rfiIhs/SSoeEQcZa9I/AAAAAAAAACE/ptGHtUBjBuQ/s400/Big_Trouble2.jpg)
2.No one can step to Lo Pan's shit.
3.Lo Pan has magical powers. Like a leprachaun except not gay.
4.No one else could make wearing a housecoat look so awesome.
5.His pimp-hat has a giant nail through it. Undeniably kick-ass.
6.Lo Pan has the best job in the world. His job is to shit-stomp basically everyone.
7.Even if he didn't have a job, Lo Pan would just sit around doing bad-ass stuff like look at porn during church. Except he would also probably get bored at church and start randomly head-butting people, including little kids.
8.Lo Pan's name is cooler than yours. I think everyone should be named Lo Pan.
9.Every movie ever made could have been improved immeasurably by featuring at least one scene of Lo Pan wrecking someone's shit.
10.Lo Pan's mustache rules. And it's not a Fu Manchu. It's a Lo Pan, bitch.
-
SWJ, I am familiar with Swamp. It is the affliction that sets off conversations like these:
*Dean hugs wife tenderly*
Wife: "You smell."
Dean: "Like what?"
Wife: "Like stinky. Gross."
Dean: "Toss my salad?"
*embrace ends*
-
The Greatest Phone Game Ever Invented
Yesterday I was talking on the phone in my office to some douche-bag.
And I inadvertently invented possibly the most awesome phone game in the universe.
Really, it is undeniably illustrative of my incredible powers to accidentally invent something so enjoyable, but I digress.
Anyway, this guy who, if you ordered one of him over the phone and were mistakenly shipped a truckload of assholes instead, you'd probably just keep the assholes - thinking that you got a better deal - was going on and on to the point at which I was very seriously considering poking myself in the eye with a pencil.
At some point, he asked me a dumb question. And while I was pondering the momentous stupidity of the inquiry, he apparently thought he had been disconnected.
And The Game was thus invented.
Here is how it works:
When conversing with an idiot (Player 1) over the phone, you (Player 2), say nothing. Simply let them blather on and on. The conversation will then evolve into something like this:
DOUCHE: "Blahblahblahblahblah"
ME:
DOUCHE: "Hahaha. Know what I'm saying...?"
ME:
DOUCHE: "Hello....?"
ME:
DOUCHE: "Hello...? What the...?"
If you are me in this scenario, you win.
It occurs to me that this would be even more fun when conversing with a wad like this guy in person. You could adopt a vapid stare and allow your silence to stomp the shit out of whatever nonsense he's going on and on about.
You can add levels of difficulty by either seeing how many times you can get your simple-minded adversary to bleat "Hello...?" into the phone before he hangs up. Or you can simply start making noises instead of talking.
Pressing the phone up to your ass and dropping a bomb into it is a good move, for example.
Belching into it is also awesome.
If Lo Pan thought that talking on the phone was cool, he would win this game by farting a magical ass-blast into the phone which would cause Player 1 to spontaneously combust.
(Lo Pan doesn't talk on the phone though. He's too awesome. See post below.)
And by the way, extra points should be awarded in this game if Player 1 is someone moderately important like your wife or your mom.
-
This Thought Of The Day from yesterday was so awesome that it was my
Thought Of The Day for today too...
The game I invented yesterday is equaled only by thinking about how much ass Lo Pan kicks.
Reasons Why Lo Pan Is The Shit
1.If you don't know who Lo Pan is, go fuck yourself. Or at least click here. (http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_h_hC-rfiIhs/SSoeEQcZa9I/AAAAAAAAACE/ptGHtUBjBuQ/s400/Big_Trouble2.jpg)
2.No one can step to Lo Pan's shit.
3.Lo Pan has magical powers. Like a leprachaun except not gay.
4.No one else could make wearing a housecoat look so awesome.
5.His pimp-hat has a giant nail through it. Undeniably kick-ass.
6.Lo Pan has the best job in the world. His job is to shit-stomp basically everyone.
7.Even if he didn't have a job, Lo Pan would just sit around doing bad-ass stuff like look at porn during church. Except he would also probably get bored at church and start randomly head-butting people, including little kids.
8.Lo Pan's name is cooler than yours. I think everyone should be named Lo Pan.
9.Every movie ever made could have been improved immeasurably by featuring at least one scene of Lo Pan wrecking someone's shit.
10.Lo Pan's mustache rules. And it's not a Fu Manchu. It's a Lo Pan, bitch.
-
SWJ
You are right on two things
1 - Lo Pan is way awesome.
2 - Your page is way better than Smokeyg's. Such originality and creativeness.
-
SWJ
You are right on two things
1 - Lo Pan is way awesome.
2 - Your page is way better than Smokeyg's. Such originality and creativeness.
Thank you for the kind words, JP.
However, we must remember to allow room in the world for tolerance.
We are obligated to embrace all people, not just those like you and me who Bring The Shit.
There is clearly room for This Page as well as Smokey's page too.
Just like there's room for both Spike TV and the Oxygen Network.
-
This Thought Of The Day from yesterday was so awesome that it was my
Thought Of The Day for today too...
The game I invented yesterday is equaled only by thinking about how much ass Lo Pan kicks.
Reasons Why Lo Pan Is The Shit
1.If you don't know who Lo Pan is, go fuck yourself. Or at least click here. (http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_h_hC-rfiIhs/SSoeEQcZa9I/AAAAAAAAACE/ptGHtUBjBuQ/s400/Big_Trouble2.jpg)
2.No one can step to Lo Pan's shit.
3.Lo Pan has magical powers. Like a leprachaun except not gay.
4.No one else could make wearing a housecoat look so awesome.
5.His pimp-hat has a giant nail through it. Undeniably kick-ass.
6.Lo Pan has the best job in the world. His job is to shit-stomp basically everyone.
7.Even if he didn't have a job, Lo Pan would just sit around doing bad-ass stuff like look at porn during church. Except he would also probably get bored at church and start randomly head-butting people, including little kids.
8.Lo Pan's name is cooler than yours. I think everyone should be named Lo Pan.
9.Every movie ever made could have been improved immeasurably by featuring at least one scene of Lo Pan wrecking someone's shit.
10.Lo Pan's mustache rules. And it's not a Fu Manchu. It's a Lo Pan, bitch.
Best....movie....ever...
And I have become a huge fan of this page. I stop by daily to see what else in here could make the secretary look at me like Im nuttier than squirrel shit for laughing like a goon from my office
-
This Thought Of The Day from yesterday was so awesome that it was my
Thought Of The Day for today too...
The game I invented yesterday is equaled only by thinking about how much ass Lo Pan kicks.
Reasons Why Lo Pan Is The Shit
1.If you don't know who Lo Pan is, go fuck yourself. Or at least click here. (http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_h_hC-rfiIhs/SSoeEQcZa9I/AAAAAAAAACE/ptGHtUBjBuQ/s400/Big_Trouble2.jpg)
2.No one can step to Lo Pan's shit.
3.Lo Pan has magical powers. Like a leprachaun except not gay.
4.No one else could make wearing a housecoat look so awesome.
5.His pimp-hat has a giant nail through it. Undeniably kick-ass.
6.Lo Pan has the best job in the world. His job is to shit-stomp basically everyone.Â
7.Even if he didn't have a job, Lo Pan would just sit around doing bad-ass stuff like look at porn during church. Except he would also probably get bored at church and start randomly head-butting people, including little kids.
8.Lo Pan's name is cooler than yours. I think everyone should be named Lo Pan.
9.Every movie ever made could have been improved immeasurably by featuring at least one scene of Lo Pan wrecking someone's shit.
10.Lo Pan's mustache rules. And it's not a Fu Manchu. It's a Lo Pan, bitch.
Best....movie....ever...
And I have become a huge fan of this page. I stop by daily to see what else in here could make the secretary look at me like Im nuttier than squirrel shit for laughing like a goon from my office
Please compare and contrast Lo Pan and Chuck Norris! I need some clarity on badassednessism!
-
Please compare and contrast Lo Pan and Chuck Norris! I need some clarity on badassednessism!
For the sake of comparison, here is a partial list of things that kick ass:
1. Lo Pan
2. Meat
3. Lesbians
4. Hippos
5. Sunny-D
6. Porn
7. Me
8. Sneezing
9. Pop-Tarts
10. My balls
Now, for the contrary point of view, here is a partial list of things that most undoubtedly do not kick ass:
1. Dora The Explorer
2. Puppets
3. Your ex-wife
4. Quiche
5. Zamfir, Master of the Pan Flute
6. Kleenex
7. The Oxygen Network
8. Pigeons
9. Crotch rot
10. My neighbor
I realize that this is not the comparison between Lo Pan and Chuck Norris that you specifically asked for, but you must understand that such an inquiry is like asking someone to compare the similarities between Zeus and Dr. Phil.
Please feel free to comment.
Note however, that if you disagree with anything above, you're a fag.
-
Please compare and contrast Lo Pan and Chuck Norris! I need some clarity on badassednessism!
For the sake of comparison, here is a partial list of things that kick ass:
1. Lo Pan
2. Meat
3. Lesbians
4. Hippos
5. Sunny-D
6. Porn
7. Me
8. Sneezing
9. Pop-Tarts
10. My balls
Now, for the contrary point of view, here is a partial list of things that most undoubtedly do not kick ass:
1. Dora The Explorer
2. Puppets
3. Your ex-wife
4. Quiche
5. Zamfir, Master of the Pan Flute
6. Kleenex
7. The Oxygen Network
8. Pigeons
9. Crotch rot
10. My neighbor
I realize that this is not the comparison between Lo Pan and Chuck Norris that you specifically asked for, but you must understand that such an inquiry is like asking someone to compare the similarities between Zeus and Dr. Phil.
Please feel free to comment.
Note however, that if you disagree with anything above, you're a fag.
Undoubtedly more unabashed awesomeness----give yourself an Arod kiss in the mirror!
-
Day 106.
My Bathroom Sucks
I was sitting in my bathroom the other morning, thinking about ways in which I could possibly be more awesome and it occurred to me that my bathroom needs a makeover.
The renovation suggestions that follow will, of course, never come to fruition at my house because my wife, in matters such as these, is my Kryptonite. Whenever I come up with man-tastic inventions or ideas, she becomes my all-powerful arch-nemesis.
I mean, I could be victorious over her if I really wanted to, but that would mean punching her head right off.
And that would probably upset the little kids in her Sunday School class.
Anyway, as I was sitting there delivering the mail and listening to the bath fan make a horrible noise, I invented a new bath fan, among other awesome bathroom accoutrements.
My new bath fan would not only play Twisted Sister when you turned it on, it would also pipe my stank over to my neighbor's living room.
Come to think of it, it would also pipe in the smell of bacon.
My new bathroom would be huge.
It would be colossally big enough to house my other invention, The Shit Couch.
Instead of sitting on the same toilet that the underlings in my house sit on, my shitter would be a full-blown leather couch with holes in it just the right size for my ass.
I would go in, take my pants off, sit on my Shit Couch, and Take Care of Business.
It would be just like when you watch porn when your wife's not home - That's the only other time it's acceptable to sit on your couch with no pants on.
Only this way, it wouldn't be disturbing and gross.
While I was sitting on my Shit Couch listening to Twisted Sister kick ass out of the fan, I would watch my big screen TV, which would only get two channels: Hustler TV and Speed Channel.
Only the Speed Channel would not have any of the gay shows it has now.
There would also be an invisible force-field outside the door with cameras so I could watch people getting their shit wrecked when they tried to bust in on me.
I would decorate the walls with lightning bolts and pictures of me.
It would be so awesome that I would never come out. I would just stay in there all the time.
I would make it my job.
And people would pay me too, because my bathroom would be the best one in the universe and people would send me money in exchange for an autographed action picture of me taking a dump.
I would have millions of friends because everyone would want to come over and take a shit at my house.
I would call up Lo Pan because we would be tight, and He would come over and hang out in my bathroom.
He would do magic tricks and shoot magical flames out of His ass just for me and my friends.
We would laugh and clap and it would be the best time ever.
Anyway, when I told her about them, the arch-nemesis that I'm married to was not too fond of my inventions.
She said that there was no way that she would let Lo Pan put on a magical ass-blast demonstration in the house...
Feel free to comment. If however, you don't agree with my inventions, you're a douche.
-
I'm sorry, but puppets do kick ass. Have you ever REALLY played with a puppet? (Clearly not.)
And please...let's be fucking reasonable about quiche. I KNOW you like bacon, eggs and cheese. You're telling me that putting the preceding into a CRUST, for the love of God, does not kick ass? Don't be an asshole.
-
Day 106.
My Bathroom Sucks
I was sitting in my bathroom the other morning, thinking about ways in which I could possibly be more awesome and it occurred to me that my bathroom needs a makeover.
The renovation suggestions that follow will, of course, never come to fruition at my house because my wife, in matters such as these, is my Kryptonite. Whenever I come up with man-tastic inventions or ideas, she becomes my all-powerful arch-nemesis.
I mean, I could be victorious over her if I really wanted to, but that would mean punching her head right off.
And that would probably upset the little kids in her Sunday School class.
Anyway, as I was sitting there delivering the mail and listening to the bath fan make a horrible noise, I invented a new bath fan, among other awesome bathroom accoutrements.
My new bath fan would not only play Twisted Sister when you turned it on, it would also pipe my stank over to my neighbor's living room.
Come to think of it, it would also pipe in the smell of bacon.
My new bathroom would be huge.
It would be colossally big enough to house my other invention, The Shit Couch.
Instead of sitting on the same toilet that the underlings in my house sit on, my shitter would be a full-blown leather couch with holes in it just the right size for my ass.
I would go in, take my pants off, sit on my Shit Couch, and Take Care of Business.
It would be just like when you watch porn when your wife's not home - That's the only other time it's acceptable to sit on your couch with no pants on.
Only this way, it wouldn't be disturbing and gross.
While I was sitting on my Shit Couch listening to Twisted Sister kick ass out of the fan, I would watch my big screen TV, which would only get two channels: Hustler TV and Speed Channel.
Only the Speed Channel would not have any of the gay shows it has now.
There would also be an invisible force-field outside the door with cameras so I could watch people getting their shit wrecked when they tried to bust in on me.
I would decorate the walls with lightning bolts and pictures of me.
It would be so awesome that I would never come out. I would just stay in there all the time.
I would make it my job.
And people would pay me too, because my bathroom would be the best one in the universe and people would send me money in exchange for an autographed action picture of me taking a dump.
I would have millions of friends because everyone would want to come over and take a shit at my house.
I would call up Lo Pan because we would be tight, and He would come over and hang out in my bathroom.
He would do magic tricks and shoot magical flames out of His ass just for me and my friends.
We would laugh and clap and it would be the best time ever.
Anyway, when I told her about them, the arch-nemesis that I'm married to was not too fond of my inventions.
She said that there was no way that she would let Lo Pan put on a magical ass-blast demonstration in the house...
Feel free to comment. If however, you don't agree with my inventions, you're a douche.
now that is the sweet smell of success! 'crackup'
-
I'm sorry, but puppets do kick ass. Have you ever REALLY played with a puppet? (Clearly not.)
And please...let's be fucking reasonable about quiche. I KNOW you like bacon, eggs and cheese. You're telling me that putting the preceding into a CRUST, for the love of God, does not kick ass? Don't be an asshole.
Dean -
If sitting around eating quiche and playing with puppets does it for you, so be it.
Just so you know, quiche is pizza for homos and French people. But it's a free country...
While you're at it, perhaps you could increase your ass-kickedness exponentially by simultaneously watching Dora The Explorer and listening to your Zamfir 8-tracks.
And you don't have to use goddamn cuss words all the time either. It's not fucking nice.
Penis-wrinkle.
-
Look, man...I have kids. Do you expect me to NOT watch/masturbate to Dora?
Shit...that's not exactly what I meant. Anyway.
I hate the French. I hope we have a meeting of the minds on that. They were useful c. 1780, but have let us down since.
-
Day 106.
My Bathroom Sucks
I was sitting in my bathroom the other morning, thinking about ways in which I could possibly be more awesome and it occurred to me that my bathroom needs a makeover.
The renovation suggestions that follow will, of course, never come to fruition at my house because my wife, in matters such as these, is my Kryptonite. Whenever I come up with man-tastic inventions or ideas, she becomes my all-powerful arch-nemesis.Â
I mean, I could be victorious over her if I really wanted to, but that would mean punching her head right off.
And that would probably upset the little kids in her Sunday School class.
Anyway, as I was sitting there delivering the mail and listening to the bath fan make a horrible noise, I invented a new bath fan, among other awesome bathroom accoutrements.
My new bath fan would not only play Twisted Sister when you turned it on, it would also pipe my stank over to my neighbor's living room.Â
Come to think of it, it would also pipe in the smell of bacon.
My new bathroom would be huge.Â
It would be colossally big enough to house my other invention, The Shit Couch.Â
Instead of sitting on the same toilet that the underlings in my house sit on, my shitter would be a full-blown leather couch with holes in it just the right size for my ass.Â
I would go in, take my pants off, sit on my Shit Couch, and Take Care of Business.
It would be just like when you watch porn when your wife's not home - That's the only other time it's acceptable to sit on your couch with no pants on.Â
Only this way, it wouldn't be disturbing and gross.
While I was sitting on my Shit Couch listening to Twisted Sister kick ass out of the fan, I would watch my big screen TV, which would only get two channels:Â Hustler TV and Speed Channel.Â
Only the Speed Channel would not have any of the gay shows it has now.
There would also be an invisible force-field outside the door with cameras so I could watch people getting their shit wrecked when they tried to bust in on me.
I would decorate the walls with lightning bolts and pictures of me.
It would be so awesome that I would never come out. I would just stay in there all the time.
I would make it my job.
And people would pay me too, because my bathroom would be the best one in the universe and people would send me money in exchange for an autographed action picture of me taking a dump.
I would have millions of friends because everyone would want to come over and take a shit at my house.
I would call up Lo Pan because we would be tight, and He would come over and hang out in my bathroom.
He would do magic tricks and shoot magical flames out of His ass just for me and my friends.
We would laugh and clap and it would be the best time ever.
Anyway, when I told her about them, the arch-nemesis that I'm married to was not too fond of my inventions.
She said that there was no way that she would let Lo Pan put on a magical ass-blast demonstration in the house...
Feel free to comment. If however, you don't agree with my inventions, you're a douche.
I like it!!!!!!! The only thing different in my bathroom would be outernal standing by 24/7 to wipe my ass when I am done!!!!!!! 'arse' 'arse' 'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup'
-
I like it!!!!!!! The only thing different in my bathroom would be outernal standing by 24/7 to wipe my ass when I am done!!!!!!! 'arse'Â 'arse'Â 'crackup'Â 'crackup'Â 'crackup'
I'm sure Outernal will be thrilled... -----Sarcasm
-
Instead of sitting on the same toilet that the underlings in my house sit on, my shitter would be a full-blown leather couch with holes in it just the right size for my ass.Â
The whole picture is pretty awesome, I must admit. Two problems though:
Firstly, are you sure that brown leather is the best choice? If you accidently wipe shit on your couch, would you want to know about it? Not only for cleanliness, but so the underlings could see the shit and know to stay the fuck away - or else. (NEVER MIND - full-blown is different thatn full-brown)
Lastly, why do you need multiple holes? I would imagine one hole would suffice. One hole suffices me. Multiple holes just means multiple cleanings.
Did you wash your hands after posting this? Or does your bathroom require no sink because your bathroom is so awesome that wiping is unneccessary. The shit slides out of your ass as cleanly as it slides into this intro page.
-
Day 106.
Feel free to comment. If however, you don't agree with my inventions, you're a douche.
Smokey -
See Above Disclaimer.
-
Day 107.
It Gets Easier
Two things have happened that, at least during the beginning stages of my Quit, I never imagined would come to fruition.
First, I have realized that I really like being here.
And second, The Quit is getting easier.
I have to admit, at the beginning there were certain things that I hated about this site.
I disliked the fact that its participants seemed to get a significant amount of pleasure from verbally tearing people down.
It was my perception that those who were struggling were basically shit-stomped by those who were not.
And I don't go in for that.
I still don't.
However, I have realized that every Supporter on this site is sincere in wanting to help.
I've also realized that it is frustrating to be so willing to help and then sometimes not having the chance to do so.
Caves happen fast and they I think they usually happen without a public struggle, so those who want to help often never get the chance.
None of that changes the fact that this has really started to feel like a Brotherhood to me and I have found that, despite my original intentions, I like being a part of that.
And for those of you just starting your Quit, it really does get easier.
And I've figured out one of the reasons why -
The reasons why you should not use tobacco far outweigh the reasons why you should.
It's just that simple.
And the hook is this - With every day that goes by the good reasons become more apparent at the same time that the bad ones fade.
And they do fade.
It's interesting to think about the fact that none of us ever anticipated the hold that tobacco would have on us when we started.
It's only when we try to Quit that the strength of its grip becomes apparent.
But I can testify to the fact that the farther away from it you get, the weaker its grip becomes.
And that is something to work for...
-
I disliked the fact that its participants seemed to get a significant amount of pleasure from verbally tearing people down.
It was my perception that those who were struggling were basically shit-stomped by those who were not.
And I don't go in for that.
I still don't.
I share your beliefs on the entirety of your last post, but these notes are especially relevant to me over the last 2-3 days.
-
A Monologue On Hiring
Recently, I had the good fortune to be in a position in which I needed to hire a new employee.
Being the rock-star that I am, I had, over the course of several months, amassed a literal treasure trove of employment applications for just such an occasion.
In perusing these gems of industry, it is a shame that I can't hire each and every last one.
For those of you in the unfortunate position of having to look for employment in this economy, I present to you a brief primer on what not to include in your resume.
1. Your lame photograph.
That's right. One dude actually sent me a resume with his picture at the top, like letterhead.
Let me help you out, shit-for-brains -
Your resume wasn't that hot to begin with and that blurry photo of your dumb ass didn't help.
All I could really make out was that your comb-over is awesome to behold.
2. Your questionable hobbies.
Here's another tip for the intrepid job seeker.
Telling me, in writing, that you enjoy toy trains, manga, and collecting unicorn figurines does not instill me with confidence.
It clearly illustrates that it's time for you to move out of your mom's basement.
3. Your record.
Yes, I know that there's a question on the application about whether or not you've ever been convicted of a crime.
We put that question in there to see how dumb you really are.
Writing up the side of the fucking margin some half-assed explanation that you were only 19, or that she really looked older, or that you were never actually, formally convicted is pointless.
You're an idiot.
4. Your dumb-ass name.
I'm looking at a resume with the name "Rui Roopoo" at the top.
You have got to be kidding.
If I can't tell by looking at your name whether you're an actual applicant or a circus animal, change your fucking name.
No interview for you.
5. Misspelled words.
If you're applying for a Security position, be sure you can spell S-E-C-U-R-I-T-Y.
The word definitely includes the letter C.
It also includes the letter I.
Just like D-I-C-K.
6. Your over-stated accomplishments.
If you really expanded sales by $2.5 million in a week and you oversaw enough people to make up a small country, why the fuck did you quit "for a better paying job" at $9 an hour...??
Newsflash - I'm smarter than you. And I therefore know instantly that you're full of shit.
Also, you might want to leave out the fact that you got a Cub Scout merit badge back in 1932 when you were 9.
Spell this: I-D-O-N-O-T-C-A-R-E.
7. Your sketchy job history.
If you've had eighteen jobs in the last three weeks, gloss over that shit.
There is definitely something wrong with you that working for me won't fix.
8. Your retarded email address.
I get it. You like to party. Fine.
But informing me that you can be contacted at crystalmethrules@gmail.com (http://mailto:crystalmethrules@gmail.com) is decidedly unwise.
Chances are that I will quickly misplace your contact information.
My advice for job seekers is well founded because I myself have been one -
Either get your shit together or go back to working part time for your uncle.
In the meantime, I invite you to an interview at douche-o-clock on the 32nd of next month.
-
A Monologue On Hiring
Recently, I had the good fortune to be in a position in which I needed to hire a new employee.
Being the rock-star that I am, I had, over the course of several months, amassed a literal treasure trove of employment applications for just such an occasion.
In perusing these gems of industry, it is a shame that I can't hire each and every last one.
For those of you in the unfortunate position of having to look for employment in this economy, I present to you a brief primer on what not to include in your resume.
1. Your photograph.
That's right. One dude actually sent me a resume with his picture at the top, like letterhead.
Let me help you out, shit-for-brains -
Your resume wasn't that hot to begin with and that blurry photo of your dumb ass didn't help.
All I could really make out was that your comb-over is awesome to behold.
2. Your hobbies.
Here's another tip for the intrepid job seeker.
Telling me, in writing, that you enjoy toy trains, manga, and collecting unicorn figurines does not instill me with confidence.
It clearly illustrates that it's time for you to move out of your mom's basement.
3. Your record.
Yes, I know that there's a question on the application about whether or not you've ever been convicted of a crime.
We put that question in there to see how dumb you really are.
Writing up the side of the fucking margin some half-assed explanation that you were only 19, or that she really looked older, or that you were never actually, formally convicted is pointless.
You're an idiot.
4. Your dumb-ass name.
I'm looking at a resume with the name Rui Roopoo at the top.
If I can't tell by looking at your name whether you're an actual applicant or a circus animal, change your fucking name.
No interview for you.
5. Misspelled words.
If you're applying for a Security position, be sure you can spell S-E-C-U-R-I-T-Y.
The word definitely includes the letter C.
It also includes the letter I.
Just like D-I-C-K.
6. Your over-stated accomplishments.
If you really expanded sales by $2.5 million in a week and you oversaw enough people to make up a small country, why the fuck did you quit "for a better paying job" at $9 an hour...??
Newsflash - I'm smarter than you. And I therefore know instantly that you're full of shit.
Also, you might want to leave out the fact that you got a Cub Scout merit badge back in 1932 when you were 9.
Spell this: I-D-O-N-O-T-C-A-R-E.
7. Your sketchy job history.
If you've had eighteen jobs in the last three weeks, gloss over that shit.
There is definitely something wrong with you that working for me won't fix.
8. Your email address.
I get it. You like to party. Fine.
But informing me that you can be contacted at crystalmethrules@gmail.com (http://mailto:crystalmethrules@gmail.com) is decidedly unwise.
Chances are that I will quickly misplace your contact information.
My advice for job seekers is well founded because I myself have been one -
Either get your shit together or go back to working part time for your uncle.
In the meantime, I invite you to an interview at douche-o-clock on the 32nd of next month.
Great advice... I had to read a few of them to my sergeant. Laughs were heard all the way down the hall.
I might have to send you my resume in about 2 years (after I retire), just to see if I can pass your stringent (yet common sensical) standards.
Or, if I just end up being the topic of your next post. 'crackup'
-
A Monologue On Hiring
Recently, I had the good fortune to be in a position in which I needed to hire a new employee.
Being the rock-star that I am, I had, over the course of several months, amassed a literal treasure trove of employment applications for just such an occasion.
In perusing these gems of industry, it is a shame that I can't hire each and every last one.
For those of you in the unfortunate position of having to look for employment in this economy, I present to you a brief primer on what not to include in your resume.
1. Your photograph.
That's right. One dude actually sent me a resume with his picture at the top, like letterhead.
Let me help you out, shit-for-brains -
Your resume wasn't that hot to begin with and that blurry photo of your dumb ass didn't help.
All I could really make out was that your comb-over is awesome to behold.
2. Your hobbies.
Here's another tip for the intrepid job seeker.
Telling me, in writing, that you enjoy toy trains, manga, and collecting unicorn figurines does not instill me with confidence.
It clearly illustrates that it's time for you to move out of your mom's basement.
3. Your record.
Yes, I know that there's a question on the application about whether or not you've ever been convicted of a crime.
We put that question in there to see how dumb you really are.
Writing up the side of the fucking margin some half-assed explanation that you were only 19, or that she really looked older, or that you were never actually, formally convicted is pointless.
You're an idiot.
4. Your dumb-ass name.
I'm looking at a resume with the name Rui Roopoo at the top.
If I can't tell by looking at your name whether you're an actual applicant or a circus animal, change your fucking name.
No interview for you.
5. Misspelled words.
If you're applying for a Security position, be sure you can spell S-E-C-U-R-I-T-Y.
The word definitely includes the letter C.
It also includes the letter I.
Just like D-I-C-K.
6. Your over-stated accomplishments.
If you really expanded sales by $2.5 million in a week and you oversaw enough people to make up a small country, why the fuck did you quit "for a better paying job" at $9 an hour...??
Newsflash - I'm smarter than you. And I therefore know instantly that you're full of shit.
Also, you might want to leave out the fact that you got a Cub Scout merit badge back in 1932 when you were 9.
Spell this: I-D-O-N-O-T-C-A-R-E.
7. Your sketchy job history.
If you've had eighteen jobs in the last three weeks, gloss over that shit.
There is definitely something wrong with you that working for me won't fix.
8. Your email address.
I get it. You like to party. Fine.
But informing me that you can be contacted at crystalmethrules@gmail.com (http://mailto:crystalmethrules@gmail.com) is decidedly unwise.
Chances are that I will quickly misplace your contact information.
My advice for job seekers is well founded because I myself have been one -
Either get your shit together or go back to working part time for your uncle.
In the meantime, I invite you to an interview at douche-o-clock on the 32nd of next month.
so, uh, i didn't get the job?
-
Today Is A Tough Day
Today has stunk.
The disclaimer for this particular post, for those of you stopping by to see what new hilarity has been posted here, is that you will be disappointed.
This shit isn't funny.
I miss the Grizzly today.
My other disclaimer is that I will retain my ass-kicking status no matter how bad the cravings get, but dang.
Today was pretty bad.
Don't get me wrong - For the most part, I've been very fortunate in that my Quit has been pretty easy.
And it really is getting easier by the day.
But boy has today been hard.
I never imagined that this stuff would get this kind of hold on me. Never in a million years.
But I'm here to tell you -
Maybe it's just that I have an addictive personality or something, but this drug has muckled on to me like a drunk sorority chick.
I hate it.
I despise what I let it do to me.
I detest what I allowed it to do to my wife.
I envy its strength and tenacity.
Fortunately, I'm indestructable.
And luckily, I'm a goddamn superhero.
What's most fortuitous though, is that I've got you guys.
Feel free to weep softly at that last part, but if you make fun of me, you're a homo.
-
Today Is A Tough Day
Today has stunk.
The disclaimer for this particular post, for those of you stopping by to see what new hilarity has been posted here, is that you will be disappointed.
This shit isn't funny.
I miss the Grizzly today.
My other disclaimer is that I will retain my ass-kicking status no matter how bad the cravings get, but dang.
Today was pretty bad.
Don't get me wrong - For the most part, I've been very fortunate in that my Quit has been pretty easy.
And it really is getting easier by the day.
But boy has today been hard.
I never imagined that this stuff would get this kind of hold on me. Never in a million years.
But I'm here to tell you -
Maybe it's just that I have an addictive personality or something, but this drug has muckled on to me like a drunk sorority chick.
I hate it.
I despise what I let it do to me.
I detest what I allowed it to do to my wife.
I envy its strength and tenacity.
Fortunately, I'm indestructable.
And luckily, I'm a goddamn superhero.
What's most fortuitous though, is that I've got you guys.
Feel free to weep softly at that last part, but if you make fun of me, you're a homo.
Quick, somebody that's not on a work computer post a link to a youtube video of sonny and cher singing "I Got You Babe"...
-
Today Is A Tough Day
Today has stunk.
The disclaimer for this particular post, for those of you stopping by to see what new hilarity has been posted here, is that you will be disappointed.
This shit isn't funny.
I miss the Grizzly today.Â
My other disclaimer is that I will retain my ass-kicking status no matter how bad the cravings get, but dang.
Today was pretty bad.
Don't get me wrong - For the most part, I've been very fortunate in that my Quit has been pretty easy.
And it really is getting easier by the day.
But boy has today been hard.
I never imagined that this stuff would get this kind of hold on me. Never in a million years.
But I'm here to tell you -
Maybe it's just that I have an addictive personality or something, but this drug has muckled on to me like a drunk sorority chick.
I hate it.
I despise what I let it do to me.
I detest what I allowed it to do to my wife.
I envy its strength and tenacity.
Fortunately, I'm indestructable.
And luckily, I'm a goddamn superhero.
What's most fortuitous though, is that I've got you guys.
Feel free to weep softly at that last part, but if you make fun of me, you're a homo.
Quick, somebody that's not on a work computer post a link to a youtube video of sonny and cher singing "I Got You Babe"...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SpE3Fv9W ... PLindex=6 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SpE3Fv9W--A&feature=PlayList&p=87D85B880F147624&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=6)
-
Quick, somebody that's not on a work computer post a link to a youtube video of sonny and cher singing "I Got You Babe"...
Feel free to weep softly at that last part, but if you make fun of me, you're a homo.
Guess what, Scoob -
Read both of the above quotes really fast - One after the other.
Booya.
-
I went to see Wolverine this weekend.
One cool thing was that my wife wanted me to take her to see it.
What wasn't cool was that it dawned on me that she wanted to see it because she thinks Hugh Jackman rocks.
Anyway, as I was sitting there watching Wolverine wreck people's shit, it occurred to me that the X-Men are kind of gay.
I mean, I'm generalizing here, because Wolverine really does kick ass.
But, for the sake of my argument being awesome, let's just run down the list of some of the X-Men, their super powers, and how they could be better.
Rogue - Homely. Also too young. Super power seems to be freaking people out when she touches them.
If I had that power, I'd go to the mall and poke people at random.
Then I'd laugh when they got all catatonic and started gagging and shit.
That would be hilarious.
Plus, people already freak out when I touch them.
Storm - Smokin' hot. Controls the weather.
That's a pretty cool trick, but I'd bust that shit out with style.
I'd just go to parties and make it humid.
No tornadoes, no hurricanes, just raging humid.
That way, chicks aren't running around screaming and fainting and shit.
They're just fanning themselves and taking their tops off.
Gambit - Fag. Throws heavy duty playing cards around.
That's pretty queer.
What happens when you've thrown the last card out of the deck...?
I just walk up and punch your head right off, that's what.
Magical cards indeed...How about that magical pop-knot on your forehead, bitch...?
Nightcrawler - Also homely. Seems to be a dark shade of blue, like Cookie Monster only darker.
Teleports. That's right, the dude can teleport.
Just poofs right in and out of places whenever he wants.
I'd never catch any bad guys with that super power, because I'd be too busy popping in and out of girls locker rooms and dressing booths.
Cyclops - Also gay. Shoots laser beams out of his eyes.
Queer name too because even though his eyes are fucked up, he's got two of them.
Makes no sense.
My eye beams would just make people I stared at uncomfortably hot and itchy.
See "Storm" above.
Don't get me wrong. Being an X-Man is cooler than being a Wonder Twin.
Zan and his bitch sister Jayna were the gayest super heroes ever.
But still.
If you're going to be a dude with super powers, no one should be able to step to your shit.
You should just spend all your time wrecking stuff and not even caring.
Like Lobo. (http://www.hillcity-comics.com/toys/lobo_statue.jpg)
There's a dude who wouldn't even care if you killed his girlfriend.
He'd just laugh and then stomp a fucking mud hole in the middle of your back to use as an ashtray. Just for fun.
Lobo wouldn't even break a sweat.
He wouldn't team up with other super heroes either.
They'd try, because he's one of the baddest mofos around, but he would just laugh some more and then drop his nuts on top of them.
You can't even make a movie with a cat like Lobo as the main character.
Shit would be like five-minutes long.
The movie would open with Lobo stomping all over a bunch of nuns.
Five minutes later, he would have killed or maimed everybody in the whole world.
Game over.
Lobo would only let Lo Pan be in his movie, but no one could watch it because it would be too awesome.
Plus, Lobo would probably come right out of the screen and kill everyone watching his movie.
The X-Men could take some lessons from a dude like that...
Feel free to comment. But if you disagree, you automatically like The Wonder Twins.
-
SWJ - I believe there is a live action Lobo flick in the works... THAT would kick some serious ass.
And I'll agree with you... with the exception of Wolvie, the X-Men you've listed are pretty damn gay.
-
I went to see Wolverine this weekend.
One cool thing was that my wife wanted me to take her to see it.
What wasn't cool was that it dawned on me that she wanted to see it because she thinks Hugh Jackman rocks.
My wife wanted to go see it too, which was also cool. I was suspicious as to her motivations from the git go. She never had any interest in the other x man movies, or any comic book movie at all. I called her out on it. It was Hugh Jackson. That wasn't enough to satisfy me, though. Why this movie all of a sudden? There were two previous movies staring him. She said it was the preview scene where he comes out of that tank that got her all gitty.
-
I hate to distract from the awesomeness of this site, but...you can soon check out post #3,000 over on my page, which is way better than this page.
-
I went to see Wolverine this weekend.
One cool thing was that my wife wanted me to take her to see it.
What wasn't cool was that it dawned on me that she wanted to see it because she thinks Hugh Jackman rocks.
My wife wanted to go see it too, which was also cool. I was suspicious as to her motivations from the git go. She never had any interest in the other x man movies, or any comic book movie at all. I called her out on it. It was Hugh Jackson. That wasn't enough to satisfy me, though. Why this movie all of a sudden? There were two previous movies staring him. She said it was the preview scene where he comes out of that tank that got her all gitty.
Hugh Jackman blows.
End of story.
(It's cool though, how much ass Wolverine kicks.)
-
How To Fix The Automobile Industry
I'm considering going into the car business.
Now I'm not talking about opening some pathetically shitty dealership out of a trailer across from the Taco Bell.
I'm thinking about buying Chrysler.
I figure that, since the wife and I have saved up a pretty fair sum over the years, and we both speak English, we ought to be able to shove those Fiat guys aside pretty easily.
I already had that money earmarked for a new leaf blower, but that can wait another couple months.
Plus, I already know how I would do things differently:
1. Executive Compensation.
I would not pay people a lot of money to kiss my ass.
High-priced executives are no better at kissing ass than minimum wage guys.
Plus, the minimum wage dudes probably do it with more enthusiasm and sincerity.
And if there's one thing I like in an accomplished ass-smoocher, it's sincerity.
2. Product Accessorization #1.
Every car we made would have a blower sticking out of the hood.
Every car should have a blower poking out of it, like the SST toys I had when I was a kid.
You know, the ones where you stuck the handle in the hole in the roof and then pulled it to make the car go...?
Come to think of it, those toys usually had a big, drooling, snotty monster poking his head out of the roof hole too.
I'd leave out the monster though.
3. Product Accessorization #2.
I'd make a rule that all rear tires had to be 8 sizes bigger than the front tires.
If your car has a blower sticking out of it, you have to also have huge tires.
They're awesome.
4. Targeted Advertising.
My car commercials would be hard-core.
There would be no sappy music, and no nature scenes.
No talk about saving the earth either.
My car commercials would feature people driving their monster cars through the shopping cart corals at the mall and then laughing and drinking beers with their friends, all of whom would be strippers.
Hot ones.
And the announcer would tell the you that you were a fag basket if you didn't drive one.
Then he would threaten you.
5. Innovative Dealer Network.
My dealerships would be flexible with trade-ins.
If you wanted to put your daughter into a year of indentured servitude in exchange for one of my cars, we'd probably let you.
Or you could buy one of my cars for beer.
That's what's known in the industry as "creative, customer-oriented financing".
6. Limited Industry Partnerships.
I would plan raids on the other car companies.
Like, instead of having a meeting, we would just all drive over to the Ford plant and bust in and wreck the place.
A little in-your-face competition never hurt anyone.
In fact, strategically fucking up the other guy's mojo is capitalism at its finest.
They might act all high and mighty, but all their guys would be scared to come to work.
7. Proper product nomenclature.
None of my cars would have dumb names like Intrepid or Cavalier or Sonata.
Our cars would have names that inspired.
Think about it - Chrysler Shogun....Chrysler Battleaxe....Chrysler Havoc
Those names kick ass.
8. Energetic Shareholder Interaction.
In order to uphold the company's image of awesomeness, I'd act awesome all the time.
At shareholder meetings, I'd address everyone as "Bitch".
I'd also say things like "Check it out!", "Suck on that!", and "Booya!"
Maintaining an internal level of corporate excitement is important.
Anyway, I'm going to talk to my wife about it tonight at supper.
I'm sure she'll be into it.
-
How To Fix The Automobile Industry
I'm considering going into the car business.
Now I'm not talking about opening some pathetically shitty dealership out of a trailer across from the Taco Bell.
I'm thinking about buying Chrysler.
I figure that, since the wife and I have saved up a pretty fair sum over the years, and we both speak English, we ought to be able to shove those Fiat guys aside pretty easily.
I already had that money earmarked for a new leaf blower, but that can wait another couple months.
Plus, I already know how I would do things differently:
1. Executive Compensation.
I would not pay people a lot of money to kiss my ass.Â
High-priced executives are no better at kissing ass than minimum wage guys.Â
Plus, the minimum wage dudes probably do it with more enthusiasm and sincerity.Â
And if there's one thing I like in an accomplished ass-smoocher, it's sincerity.
2. Product Accessorization #1.
Every car we made would have a blower sticking out of the hood.Â
Every car should have a blower poking out of it, like the SST toys I had when I was a kid.Â
You know, the ones where you stuck the handle in the hole in the roof and then pulled it to make the car go...?Â
Come to think of it, those toys usually had a big, drooling, snotty monster poking his head out of the roof hole too.Â
I'd leave out the monster though.
3. Product Accessorization #2.
I'd make a rule that all rear tires had to be 8 sizes bigger than the front tires.Â
If your car has a blower sticking out of it, you have to also have huge tires.Â
They're awesome.
4. Targeted Advertising.
My car commercials would be hard-core.Â
There would be no sappy music, and no nature scenes.Â
No talk about saving the earth either.Â
My car commercials would feature people driving their monster cars through the shopping cart corals at the mall and then laughing and drinking beers with their friends, all of whom would be strippers.
Hot ones.Â
And the announcer would tell the you that you were a fag basket if you didn't drive one.Â
Then he would threaten you.
5. Innovative Dealer Network.
My dealerships would be flexible with trade-ins.Â
If you wanted to put your daughter into a year of indentured servitude in exchange for one of my cars, we'd probably let you.Â
Or you could buy one of my cars for beer.Â
That's what's known in the industry as "creative, customer-oriented financing".
6. Limited Industry Partnerships.
I would plan raids on the other car companies.Â
Like, instead of having a meeting, we would just all drive over to the Ford plant and bust in and wreck the place.Â
A little in-your-face competition never hurt anyone.Â
In fact, strategically fucking up the other guy's mojo is capitalism at its finest.Â
They might act all high and mighty, but all their guys would be scared to come to work.
7. Proper product nomenclature.
None of my cars would have dumb names like Intrepid or Cavalier or Sonata.Â
Our cars would have names that inspired.Â
Think about it - Chrysler Shogun....Chrysler Battleaxe....Chrysler Havoc
Those names kick ass.
8. Energetic Shareholder Interaction.
In order to uphold the company's image of awesomeness, I'd act awesome all the time.
At shareholder meetings, I'd address everyone as "Bitch".
I'd also say things like "Check it out!", "Suck on that!", and "Booya!"
Maintaining an internal level of corporate excitement is important.
Anyway, I'm going to talk to my wife about it tonight at supper.
I'm sure she'll be into it.
Is that an original post?
-
How To Fix The Automobile Industry
I'm considering going into the car business.
Now I'm not talking about opening some pathetically shitty dealership out of a trailer across from the Taco Bell.
I'm thinking about buying Chrysler.
I figure that, since the wife and I have saved up a pretty fair sum over the years, and we both speak English, we ought to be able to shove those Fiat guys aside pretty easily.
I already had that money earmarked for a new leaf blower, but that can wait another couple months.
Plus, I already know how I would do things differently:
1. Executive Compensation.
I would not pay people a lot of money to kiss my ass.Â
High-priced executives are no better at kissing ass than minimum wage guys.Â
Plus, the minimum wage dudes probably do it with more enthusiasm and sincerity.Â
And if there's one thing I like in an accomplished ass-smoocher, it's sincerity.
2. Product Accessorization #1.
Every car we made would have a blower sticking out of the hood.Â
Every car should have a blower poking out of it, like the SST toys I had when I was a kid.Â
You know, the ones where you stuck the handle in the hole in the roof and then pulled it to make the car go...?Â
Come to think of it, those toys usually had a big, drooling, snotty monster poking his head out of the roof hole too.Â
I'd leave out the monster though.
3. Product Accessorization #2.
I'd make a rule that all rear tires had to be 8 sizes bigger than the front tires.Â
If your car has a blower sticking out of it, you have to also have huge tires.Â
They're awesome.
4. Targeted Advertising.
My car commercials would be hard-core.Â
There would be no sappy music, and no nature scenes.Â
No talk about saving the earth either.Â
My car commercials would feature people driving their monster cars through the shopping cart corals at the mall and then laughing and drinking beers with their friends, all of whom would be strippers.
Hot ones.Â
And the announcer would tell the you that you were a fag basket if you didn't drive one.Â
Then he would threaten you.
5. Innovative Dealer Network.
My dealerships would be flexible with trade-ins.Â
If you wanted to put your daughter into a year of indentured servitude in exchange for one of my cars, we'd probably let you.Â
Or you could buy one of my cars for beer.Â
That's what's known in the industry as "creative, customer-oriented financing".
6. Limited Industry Partnerships.
I would plan raids on the other car companies.Â
Like, instead of having a meeting, we would just all drive over to the Ford plant and bust in and wreck the place.Â
A little in-your-face competition never hurt anyone.Â
In fact, strategically fucking up the other guy's mojo is capitalism at its finest.Â
They might act all high and mighty, but all their guys would be scared to come to work.
7. Proper product nomenclature.
None of my cars would have dumb names like Intrepid or Cavalier or Sonata.Â
Our cars would have names that inspired.Â
Think about it - Chrysler Shogun....Chrysler Battleaxe....Chrysler Havoc
Those names kick ass.
8. Energetic Shareholder Interaction.
In order to uphold the company's image of awesomeness, I'd act awesome all the time.
At shareholder meetings, I'd address everyone as "Bitch".
I'd also say things like "Check it out!", "Suck on that!", and "Booya!"
Maintaining an internal level of corporate excitement is important.
Anyway, I'm going to talk to my wife about it tonight at supper.
I'm sure she'll be into it.
Is that an original post?
Put me on the waiting list for the first Chrystler Steroid!
-
Put me on the waiting list for the first Chrystler Steroid!
Woo! Check that shit out! Booya, bitches! --- (Me practicing CEO-level customer enthusiasm)
-
Put me on the waiting list for the first Chrystler Steroid!
Woo! Check that shit out! Booya, bitches! --- (Me practicing CEO-level customer enthusiasm)
Thanks a fuckin' million sir! Glad you like the idea, or wait, you came up with that idea. I'm too stupid to come up with awesome shit like that being a minimum wage paid flunky and all. You are the greatest boss a turd like me could ever hope to have! You kick ass, wanna bang my sister? -------{an example of the low pay enthusiasm you should expect to endure}
-
Put me on the waiting list for the first Chrystler Steroid!
Woo! Check that shit out! Booya, bitches! --- (Me practicing CEO-level customer enthusiasm)
Thanks a fuckin' million sir! Glad you like the idea, or wait, you came up with that idea. I'm too stupid to come up with awesome shit like that being a minimum wage paid flunky and all. You are the greatest boss a turd like me could ever hope to have! You kick ass, wanna bang my sister? -------{an example of the low pay enthusiasm you should expect to endure}
I especially appreciate the part about your sister.
-
My Ass
I have recently read, on other pages similar to this one but of moderately less significance, much discussion about asses.
Although in certain social circles this kind of literary behavior would be classified as gay, I recognize that in this particular circle, such discussion is of great cultural importance.
I therefore thought it would be prudent to dispel some of the myths surrounding the everyday caboose, as well as expound upon some of its more enticing and endearing characteristics.
1. Your ass has its own personality.
Your ass is like a pet or a small child.
Sometimes innocent and quiet, and sometimes irresponsible and outspoken, you should remember that the inherent personality of your ass may change from time to time.
If you scratch it too much, it becomes irritable and cranky.
If you try to put things in it that don't belong there, it rebels, closing itself like a petulant child crossing her arms in defiance.
Sometimes it is happy - Squeaking and popping off with delight.
Sometimes it is sad - Mournful tones can be heard emanating from its maw.
It is up to you, as a responsible ass owner, to know and recognize the needs of your ass and to care for it accordingly.
2. Your ass always smells worse than mine.
No matter who you are or what you have recently eaten, the bouquet radiating from your trunk will always smell, at least to other ass owners, decidedly awful.
Even if it were good form to complement the offender on the uniqueness of and enlightenment you just attained from getting a good whiff of his or her exhaust, you should not do it.
That is because it is universally understood that everyone's ass smells worse than your own.
It's just the way it is.
Likewise, the cloud drifting up your back and the sound accompanying its arrival will always make you laugh and smile, but will cause others to exclaim that you smell like a grass fire.
3. Farting is always funny.
No matter who you are and no matter what social or financial status you have obtained, farting is hilarious.
Don't try to deny it.
If, perchance, you have decided that you are of a social strata that no longer finds the humor in farting, you have unknowingly turned into one of the following:
a. A fag.
b. A woman.
Accept it.
The ass-trumpet was invented for the sole purpose of giving us something to smile and laugh about when fat girls or minorities are scarce.
4. Your ass has built in accessories.
Most ass owners, through sheer lack of personal education, are convinced that their ass is nothing but a simple and inelegant machine of singular purpose.
This is short-sighted and wrong.
Take the catch basin, for example.
The catch basin is that purposeful dimple immediately north of your ass-crack.
As you may have inadvertently realized, it is singular in its designated purpose of collecting every piece of lint that has come within five feet of your body throughout the day.
Even the lint from your dress socks ends up nestled in the crack of your ass.
Most of you, in inspecting the precious cargo from your catch basin, would be amazed to find weird things in there.
Hairs from every member of your family, and dryer lint are two of them.
How do they get there...?
Through the genetic majesty of your ass-crack-dimple.
It's just doing its job.
Your gootch or taint is yet another oft overlooked ass accoutrement.
Ever present, your gootch stands dutifully ready to do its job at a moment's notice.
Simply scratch it to behold the resultant feeling of blissful awesomeness.
As many of you may know, it too can be used to store and transport valuable objects.
Socially though, it is expected that you will store your sock lint in your catch basin and never in your gootch.
5. Exercising your ass counts as a hobby.
Most people poop only when they have to.
And even then, they are decidedly unscrupulous in choosing a respectable place to to their business.
Even worse, the transaction is often rushed and hurried unnecessarily.
Taking a dump should be viewed as an experience to be savored.
It should also be done in a carefully selected environment.
The responsible ass owner will deliver the mail in one selected bathroom in the home, time after time.
If that particular bathroom is otherwise occupied, you should wait.
After all, your reading material or hand-held video game is in there.
At my house, for example, the only way you could get me to spend more time taking a crap is if I actually got paid by the hour to do it.
It is a perfectly acceptable thing to do if you are bored. You don't even really need to go.
So to review, your ass is the perfect blend of science and human design. It is useful for all kinds of things, each of which is more often overlooked than the next.
Make the most of your ass -
Show it proudly to others -
Let its song be heard by all -
It is, after all, only natural.
-
If you try to put things in it that don't belong there, it rebels, closing itself like a petulant child crossing her arms in defiance.
I would have agreed with you completely...until I met the Nokia 6220.
Fucking hysterical shit, SWJ.
-
i cant stand to read this thread....and i am a ridicoulous man...
fuckyoukodiak!!!!!
-
If you try to put things in it that don't belong there, it rebels, closing itself like a petulant child crossing her arms in defiance.
I would have agreed with you completely...until I met the Nokia 6220.
Fucking hysterical shit, SWJ.
Why would you stick a camera up your ass? There are so many better options. Why not a tape recorder or an Ipod?
-
Why would you stick a camera up your ass? There are so many better options. Why not a tape recorder or an Ipod?
Although I'm no proponent of using your ass like a lost-and-found, there are several documented cases of people sticking things like magazines, flashlights, and cell phones in their ass-boxes.
(Although it seems strange to me to have a magazine up your ass without having a flashlight up there as well.)
At any rate, there is a documented case of a Georgia attorney who was wisely showering with his cell phone.
He allegedly slipped on a tile, tripped against his dog, and subsequently sat on his cell phone, sans pants.
The cover somehow opened, apparently activating the phone immediately prior to re-entry.
What's more, the phone supposedly rang several times during the lengthy surgical procedure undertaken to remove it.
No one answered it though.
Disappointing that the dude didn't also shove an answering machine up there.
-
Smokey: iPods were simply not available when I started cramming electronics up my ass.
But think about it: The Nokia 6220 might be a dinosaur now, but it was a sleek phone in the late 1990s. A little spit, and up she went.
My dad, on the other hand, didn't have it so easy with the Betamax.
-
I Wish I Had A Monkey
Monkeys are awesome.
I've been trying to get my wife to let me get a monkey for the longest time.
She says they fling their shit though.
I tell her that this is just one of the reasons why I want a monkey of my own.
Here are the others:
1. It's cool to put clothes on a monkey.
While putting clothes on your dog automatically makes you a fag, putting clothes on your pet monkey is awesome.
They can wear cool things like Little Slugger baseball hats and pajamas with feet in them.
They can't wear shoes because their feet are so weird, but they can wear shirts with offensive sayings on them.
Who's going to tell a monkey that he can't wear a t-shirt that says "Midgets Can Kiss My Ass"...?
No one, that's who.
2. Chicks dig monkeys.
I don't know anyone who has a monkey, but if I did I'd hang out with him all the time.
The monkey, I mean.
You can take a monkey anywhere and the girls will go crazy for him.
Guaranteed.
You could teach your monkey to grab their boobs and stuff.
They'd giggle and whisper to each other how cute he was.
But you'd get all the action because no girl really wants to fuck with a monkey.
You'd have to do.
3. Monkeys are hilarious.
No explanation needed.
Monkeys crack me the fuck up.
4. Monkeys are generally pretty stupid.
No matter how smart my monkey got, I would always be a genius compared to him.
I could teach him to do stuff and he wouldn't be smart enough to know that he shouldn't be doing those things.
You can invest all kinds of time teaching your little kids to say funny swear words, but some relative always whispers to them that they really shouldn't say such things.
Believe me, I know.
Monkeys however, just don't give a shit.
I would teach my monkey to give the finger, grab his crotch, fling his turds at people, and stuff like that.
And no matter how many times my wife scolded him for it, he would keep right on doing it.
That would be awesome.
5. Monkeys will eat anything.
No more of this special high-priced pet food.
My monkey would eat whatever I was having.
He would sit at the table with me and eat a sandwich with dogshit on it if I gave it to him.
Plus, he would eat stuff that I would otherwise throw away like watermelon rinds, stale bread, and that leftover shit from two weeks ago.
Monkeys don't care.
They're thrilled to be eating something besides bugs and tree bark.
Simply put, a pet monkey would be the best pet in the universe.
BJ had one named Bear.
If you recall, they drove around in BJ's tractor trailer truck, solving problems for hot country bitches.
Bear was the shit.
-
3. Monkeys are hilarious.
No explanation needed.
Monkeys crack me the fuck up.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wgS0KgT5APc (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wgS0KgT5APc)
-
Maybe the video goes better with:
5. Monkeys will eat anything.
-
3. Monkeys are hilarious.
No explanation needed.
Monkeys crack me the fuck up.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wgS0KgT5APc (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wgS0KgT5APc)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HFGyq1xcKEU (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HFGyq1xcKEU)
'Popcorn'
-
Oh, holy shit..."Monkeys don't care"...True LOL
I don't even know if you needed to use words, SWJ...Just repeating "monkey" a few times is funny as hell.
-
3. Monkeys are hilarious.
No explanation needed.
Monkeys crack me the fuck up.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wgS0KgT5APc (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wgS0KgT5APc)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HFGyq1xcKEU (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HFGyq1xcKEU)
'Popcorn'
Hide this from Ready you know the rules about this shit. Oh hell lookout now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-
3. Monkeys are hilarious.
No explanation needed.
Monkeys crack me the fuck up.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wgS0KgT5APc (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wgS0KgT5APc)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HFGyq1xcKEU (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HFGyq1xcKEU)
'Popcorn'
Hide this from Ready you know the rules about this shit. Oh hell lookout now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I see now that there is definately more than one center of the Universe.
-
To the Man-Lady at Lowes
Dear Dude,
I noticed you the other day as I was paying for a liter of Drano and a roll of duct tape.
You were obviously anxious to help me, but I hope you'll forgive the fact that it was all I could do to refrain from shrieking wildly and punching you in the crotch.
You startled me, that's all.
Your attempt to appear in public as a "passable" woman was weak and pathetic.
You need to get your shit together.
It's not that you purposefully did anything wrong -
It's just that there are a couple of tips that you might want to consider in order to reach your full potential as a dignified "woman":
1. Shave your back.
I know it's tough to reach back there, but you really need to shave that shit.
I realize that you probably thought that the make-up you put on with a paint-sprayer would detract from people noticing.
Guess what.
I noticed, dude.
And it wasn't cool.
Guys don't dig chicks with tufts of back hair sticking out of the neck of their frilly tank-tops.
Trust me.
2. Tape your junk.
Your package is obvious.
You really should tape it to your chassis or something, to achieve that feminine look that you desire.
It is, to say the least, disconcerting for a dude to realize that the girl waiting on him in line has a boner.
3. Shop at Fashion Bug.
Fashion Bug, as you may know, has "fun and affordable clothing for women in plus sizes".
While you're technically not a woman, you definitely qualify as a "plus size".
Although I appreciate the fact that you were wearing a mini-skirt, there was nothing "mini" about that shit.
What did you do, sew two or three of them together...?
Even if you're not going to admit that you're a man, at least own your bigness.
4. Nair is awesome.
Building on Item #1, you should look into Nair.
In fact, you should take a bath in that shit.
Your five-o-clock shadow is decidedly unattractive and it makes you look like Mr. Slate from The Flinstones.
Not cool.
I realize that your look could probably be qualified as "tranny-casual" but you need to go all out.
5. Don't Talk.
At all.
Ever.
I am unsure as to whether or not Lowe's has adopted a fairness-through-equality doctrine in hiring sloppily dressed transvestites, but count me the fuck out.
If you're going to be a girl with a fuselage, at least be hot.
-
To the Man-Lady at Lowes
Dear Dude,
I noticed you the other day as I was paying for a liter of Drano and a roll of duct tape.
You were obviously anxious to help me, but I hope you'll forgive the fact that it was all I could do to refrain from shrieking wildly and punching you in the crotch.
You startled me, that's all.
Your attempt to appear in public as a "passable" woman was weak and pathetic.
You need to get your shit together.
It's not that you purposefully did anything wrong -
It's just that there are a couple of tips that you might want to consider in order to reach your full potential as a dignified "woman":
1. Shave your back.
I know it's tough to reach back there, but you really need to shave that shit.
I realize that you probably thought that the make-up you put on with a paint-sprayer would detract from people noticing.
Guess what.
I noticed, dude.
And it wasn't cool.
Guys don't dig chicks with tufts of back hair sticking out of the neck of their frilly tank-tops.
Trust me.
2. Tape your junk.
Your package is obvious.
You really should tape it to your chassis or something, to achieve that feminine look that you desire.
It is, to say the least, disconcerting for a dude to realize that the girl waiting on him in line has a boner.
3. Shop at Fashion Bug.
Fashion Bug, as you may know, has "fun and affordable clothing for women in plus sizes".
While you're technically not a woman, you definitely qualify as a "plus size".
Although I appreciate the fact that you were wearing a mini-skirt, there was nothing "mini" about that shit.
What did you do, sew two or three of them together...?
Even if you're not going to admit that you're a man, at least own your bigness.
4. Nair is awesome.
Building on Item #1, you should look into Nair.
In fact, you should take a bath in that shit.
Your five-o-clock shadow is decidedly unattractive and it makes you look like Mr. Slate from The Flinstones.
Not cool.
I realize that your look could probably be qualified as "tranny-casual" but you need to go all out.
5. Don't Talk.
At all.
Ever.
I am unsure as to whether or not Lowe's has adopted a fairness-through-equality doctrine in hiring sloppily dressed transvestites, but count me the fuck out.
If you're going to be a girl with a fuselage, at least be hot.
just awesome...
awesome to the max
-
Super Powers
All my life, I've been on the lookout for super powers.
I keep waiting for the accident or the bug bite that's going to make me a super hero.
And the other day, I think it started.
What happened was, I noticed this spot on my finger that, when you touch it, sends like an electric shock from one end to the other.
Kind of like nerve damage or something.
So I've been pointing at people and rubbing it.
I keep hoping that maybe electricity will fly out of it and shock someone, and maybe even blow their shoes right off.
It hasn't happened yet though.
My wife asked me what I was doing in church the other day.
"Why do you keep rubbing your finger like that?" she whispered.
"Because I think I finally got super powers," I said.
"I think maybe lightning is about to shoot out of my finger."
"Well, stop pointing it at people," she said.
She gets it.
She knows that one of these days, something awesome is going to happen and then I'll be able to fly or some shit like that.
But for right now, I'm trying to develop my new talent, which hasn't been going very well so far.
She keeps catching me pointing at her.
I'll keep you posted.
-
Super Powers
All my life, I've been on the lookout for super powers.
I keep waiting for the accident or the bug bite that's going to make me a super hero.
And the other day, I think it started.
What happened was, I noticed this spot on my finger that, when you touch it, sends like an electric shock from one end to the other.
Kind of like nerve damage or something.
So I've been pointing at people and rubbing it.
I keep hoping that maybe electricity will fly out of it and shock someone, and maybe even blow their shoes right off.
It hasn't happened yet though.
My wife asked me what I was doing in church the other day.
"Why do you keep rubbing your finger like that?" she whispered.
"Because I think I finally got super powers," I said.
"I think maybe lightning is about to shoot out of my finger."
"Well, stop pointing it at people," she said.
She gets it.
She knows that one of these days, something awesome is going to happen and then I'll be able to fly or some shit like that.
But for right now, I'm trying to develop my new talent, which hasn't been going very well so far.
She keeps catching me pointing at her.
I'll keep you posted.
Question: Is the sensation coming from your middle finger? If so, that my be why your wife is upset about you pointing at her!
'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup'
-
Super Powers
All my life, I've been on the lookout for super powers.
I keep waiting for the accident or the bug bite that's going to make me a super hero.
And the other day, I think it started.
What happened was, I noticed this spot on my finger that, when you touch it, sends like an electric shock from one end to the other.
Kind of like nerve damage or something.
So I've been pointing at people and rubbing it.
I keep hoping that maybe electricity will fly out of it and shock someone, and maybe even blow their shoes right off.
It hasn't happened yet though.
My wife asked me what I was doing in church the other day.
"Why do you keep rubbing your finger like that?" she whispered.
"Because I think I finally got super powers," I said.
"I think maybe lightning is about to shoot out of my finger."
"Well, stop pointing it at people," she said.
She gets it.
She knows that one of these days, something awesome is going to happen and then I'll be able to fly or some shit like that.
But for right now, I'm trying to develop my new talent, which hasn't been going very well so far.
She keeps catching me pointing at her.
I'll keep you posted.
tiffs 9.289 'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup'
Thanks for the fix....i been jonesin for some sj all dam week.
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hahahahahahah man keep working on it there is no doubt it will just "happen" one day!!
if you need just a quick laugh to help you day you need to try www.textsfromlastnight.com (http://www.textsfromlastnight.com)
that site makes me roll everytime I view it.
-
Pure genius...
-
To the Man-Lady at Lowes
Dear Dude,
I noticed you the other day as I was paying for a liter of Drano and a roll of duct tape.
You were obviously anxious to help me, but I hope you'll forgive the fact that it was all I could do to refrain from shrieking wildly and punching you in the crotch.
You startled me, that's all.
Your attempt to appear in public as a "passable" woman was weak and pathetic.
You need to get your shit together.
It's not that you purposefully did anything wrong -
It's just that there are a couple of tips that you might want to consider in order to reach your full potential as a dignified "woman":
1. Shave your back.
I know it's tough to reach back there, but you really need to shave that shit.
I realize that you probably thought that the make-up you put on with a paint-sprayer would detract from people noticing.
Guess what.
I noticed, dude.
And it wasn't cool.
Guys don't dig chicks with tufts of back hair sticking out of the neck of their frilly tank-tops.
Trust me.
2. Tape your junk.
Your package is obvious.
You really should tape it to your chassis or something, to achieve that feminine look that you desire.
It is, to say the least, disconcerting for a dude to realize that the girl waiting on him in line has a boner.
3. Shop at Fashion Bug.
Fashion Bug, as you may know, has "fun and affordable clothing for women in plus sizes".
While you're technically not a woman, you definitely qualify as a "plus size".
Although I appreciate the fact that you were wearing a mini-skirt, there was nothing "mini" about that shit.
What did you do, sew two or three of them together...?
Even if you're not going to admit that you're a man, at least own your bigness.
4. Nair is awesome.
Building on Item #1, you should look into Nair.
In fact, you should take a bath in that shit.
Your five-o-clock shadow is decidedly unattractive and it makes you look like Mr. Slate from The Flinstones.
Not cool.
I realize that your look could probably be qualified as "tranny-casual" but you need to go all out.
5. Don't Talk.
At all.
Ever.
I am unsure as to whether or not Lowe's has adopted a fairness-through-equality doctrine in hiring sloppily dressed transvestites, but count me the fuck out.
If you're going to be a girl with a fuselage, at least be hot.
I'll be go-tah-hell! I'm in Pennsylvania, just west of Philly and I had EXACTLY the same experience in my local Lowes about a month ago (I think his name was "Rachel")! So I checked SWJ's profile and was dissappointed to see that you live 6 hours away.
So that raises the question: did this employee recently transfer from PA to MA, or, perhaps more likely, has Lowes begun an affirmative action policy of hiring as many tranny man-ladies as possible so as to correct the many wrongs that heterosexual males have perpetrated upon them over the years?
Maybe it's time for KTC to open up a "Tranny Man-Lady Lowes Employee Sightings" forum to answer this timeless conundrum.
-
Why Being Fat Is Awesome
First of all, I'm not fat.
Anymore.
But sometimes I wish I was because fat people get all the breaks.
1. Fatillacs
You know those go-carts that you never get to use at Wal-Mart...?
Those are awesome.
If I was a big tub of goo, I'd get to drive one of those without people thinking I was just too lazy to walk.
And I'd drive that fucker like the General Lee.
2. Pants.
My pants are uncomfortable.
But if I was fat, my pants would be awesome.
They'd be made out of soft, bath towel material and they would have a big puffy elastic waistband.
I wouldn't need pockets either, because my Hover-Round would have a basket on the front for my shit.
3. Shoes.
Really fat people are like babies.
They just wear their socks everywhere they go.
That's awesome.
I suppose that once you eat your way past 350 lbs, you just think, "Fuck it. Shoes are over-rated."
Plus, you don't walk anywhere anyway.
4. Buffet.
If I was huge, "buffet" would be my third favorite word, right after "sponge" and "bath".
The buffet was invented specifically for big fat dudes.
I would perceive each trip to the buffet a competition to see if I could screw the restaurant.
I would imagine the dining room manager sweating it because he would know that I Bring The Shit.
Golden Corral would fear me.
5. My Chair.
If I was fat, my wife would let me put my chair right next to the window in our house.
It's like an unspoken rule that you have to let fat people sit next to the window.
You kind of feel bad for them because they can't get up and walk around.
So you park them next to the window so they can see out.
That would rule.
Plus, no one would ever sit in my chair but me.
First of all, I would never get up.
And second, even if I did, my chair would be so disgusting that no one would dare step to my shit.
It would be like my chair had an invisible force-field made of dried ketchup and cookie crumbs.
5. Slaves.
If you're two-tons of fun, everyone automatically becomes your personal slave just by natural selection.
You're too fat to do anything for yourself and people feel bad for you.
I would take advantage of that.
I'd have skinny people bustling all over the place, getting me hot dogs, taking my socks on and off, and shit like that.
And if they ever complained I'd just tell them not to hate the player.
Anyway, I know that fat people get a bad rap and they kind of complain a lot about not being treated like equals and stuff like that.
But they should own that shit.
I'd love to have two seats all to myself on every plane ride.
-
Why Being Fat Is Awesome
First of all, I'm not fat.
Anymore.
But sometimes I wish I was because fat people get all the breaks.
1. Fatillacs
You know those go-carts that you never get to use at Wal-Mart...?
Those are awesome.
If I was a big tub of goo, I'd get to drive one of those without people thinking I was just too lazy to walk.
And I'd drive that fucker like the General Lee.
2. Pants.
My pants are uncomfortable.
But if I was fat, my pants would be awesome.
They'd be made out of soft, bath towel material and they would have a big puffy elastic waistband.
I wouldn't need pockets either, because my Hover-Round would have a basket on the front for my shit.
3. Shoes.
Really fat people are like babies.
They just wear their socks everywhere they go.
That's awesome.
I suppose that once you eat your way past 350 lbs, you just think, "Fuck it. Shoes are over-rated."
Plus, you don't walk anywhere anyway.
4. Buffet.
If I was huge, "buffet" would be my third favorite word, right after "sponge" and "bath".
The buffet was invented specifically for big fat dudes.
I would perceive each trip to the buffet a competition to see if I could screw the restaurant.
I would imagine the dining room manager sweating it because he would know that I Bring The Shit.
Golden Corral would fear me.
5. My Chair.
If I was fat, my wife would let me put my chair right next to the window in our house.
It's like an unspoken rule that you have to let fat people sit next to the window.
You kind of feel bad for them because they can't get up and walk around.
So you park them next to the window so they can see out.
That would rule.
Plus, no one would ever sit in my chair but me.
First of all, I would never get up.
And second, even if I did, my chair would be so disgusting that no one would dare step to my shit.
It would be like my chair had an invisible force-field made of dried ketchup and cookie crumbs.
5. Slaves.
If you're two-tons of fun, everyone automatically becomes your personal slave just by natural selection.
You're too fat to do anything for yourself and people feel bad for you.
I would take advantage of that.
I'd have skinny people bustling all over the place, getting me hot dogs, taking my socks on and off, and shit like that.
And if they ever complained I'd just tell them not to hate the player.
Anyway, I know that fat people get a bad rap and they kind of complain a lot about not being treated like equals and stuff like that.
But they should own that shit.
I'd love to have two seats all to myself on every plane ride.
As usual, i say your talents are being wasted.
Head to Hollywood.
Your shit is too funny.
-
"It's like an unspoken rule that you have to let fat people sit next to the window."
Jesus Fucking Christ. Laughed hard to self. Real funny.
-
Why Being Fat Is Awesome
First of all, I'm not fat.
Anymore.
But sometimes I wish I was because fat people get all the breaks.
1. Fatillacs
You know those go-carts that you never get to use at Wal-Mart...?
Those are awesome.
If I was a big tub of goo, I'd get to drive one of those without people thinking I was just too lazy to walk.
And I'd drive that fucker like the General Lee.
2. Pants.
My pants are uncomfortable.
But if I was fat, my pants would be awesome.
They'd be made out of soft, bath towel material and they would have a big puffy elastic waistband.
I wouldn't need pockets either, because my Hover-Round would have a basket on the front for my shit.
3. Shoes.
Really fat people are like babies.
They just wear their socks everywhere they go.
That's awesome.
I suppose that once you eat your way past 350 lbs, you just think, "Fuck it. Shoes are over-rated."
Plus, you don't walk anywhere anyway.
4. Buffet.
If I was huge, "buffet" would be my third favorite word, right after "sponge" and "bath".
The buffet was invented specifically for big fat dudes.
I would perceive each trip to the buffet a competition to see if I could screw the restaurant.
I would imagine the dining room manager sweating it because he would know that I Bring The Shit.
Golden Corral would fear me.
5. My Chair.
If I was fat, my wife would let me put my chair right next to the window in our house.
It's like an unspoken rule that you have to let fat people sit next to the window.
You kind of feel bad for them because they can't get up and walk around.
So you park them next to the window so they can see out.
That would rule.
Plus, no one would ever sit in my chair but me.
First of all, I would never get up.
And second, even if I did, my chair would be so disgusting that no one would dare step to my shit.
It would be like my chair had an invisible force-field made of dried ketchup and cookie crumbs.
5. Slaves.
If you're two-tons of fun, everyone automatically becomes your personal slave just by natural selection.
You're too fat to do anything for yourself and people feel bad for you.
I would take advantage of that.
I'd have skinny people bustling all over the place, getting me hot dogs, taking my socks on and off, and shit like that.
And if they ever complained I'd just tell them not to hate the player.
Anyway, I know that fat people get a bad rap and they kind of complain a lot about not being treated like equals and stuff like that.
But they should own that shit.
I'd love to have two seats all to myself on every plane ride.
As usual, i say your talents are being wasted.
Head to Hollywood.
Your shit is too funny.
Agreed.
SWJ, your posts are absolutely hilarious... AND there is continuity to boot.
Remember the bathroom of your dreams? Well, being FAT just fits right into the entire scheme. 'crackup'
You could start a company to facilitate just these types of benefits for all men... fat, not so fat, and thinnies aspiring to be fat.
-
I love this fucking thread! It's the best fucking thread ever! Fuck!
-
You could start a company to facilitate just these types of benefits for all men... fat, not so fat, and thinnies aspiring to be fat.
Wow, thinnies? Is that what they call us? It never dawned on me that we could be defamed for being "at" weight.
-
You could start a company to facilitate just these types of benefits for all men... fat, not so fat, and thinnies aspiring to be fat.
Wow, thinnies? Is that what they call us? It never dawned on me that we could be defamed for being "at" weight.
We are all "at" weight.... we're just "at" different weights...
-
You could start a company to facilitate just these types of benefits for all men... fat, not so fat, and thinnies aspiring to be fat.
Wow, thinnies? Is that what they call us? It never dawned on me that we could be defamed for being "at" weight.
We are all "at" weight.... we're just "at" different weights...
Actually, a "thinny" is a toothpick fucker that hardly has enough muscle mass to move around let alone engage in hand-to-hand.
Those that fall between thinny and not as fat are those that meet the scientific definition of "will fall into a fatty or thinny category before death."
The world according to Colonel_No_Cope.
-
You could start a company to facilitate just these types of benefits for all men... fat, not so fat, and thinnies aspiring to be fat.
Wow, thinnies? Is that what they call us? It never dawned on me that we could be defamed for being "at" weight.
We are all "at" weight.... we're just "at" different weights...
Actually, a "thinny" is a toothpick fucker that hardly has enough muscle mass to move around let alone engage in hand-to-hand.
Those that fall between thinny and not as fat are those that meet the scientific definition of "will fall into a fatty or thinny category before death."
The world according to Colonel_No_Cope.
All of this is neither here nor there.
Skinny people still don't get to drive a pimped out Fatillac to and fro in Wal-Mart.
-
Man Rules
These may be no more than observations, but they're important.
I've been thinking a lot lately about what separates a dude from a total ass-wipe.
Some of the factors are complex, but others are very basic.
Feel free to add any that you feel are relevant, but don't fucking argue about mine.
The following are non-negotiable.
1. Talking to me without your pants on is not cool.
Dudes at my gym carry on seemingly normal conversations with each other with no pants on.
I don't go for that.
If I can see your balls, I'm not talking to you.
Likewise, I will extend the same courtesy by not engaging you in idle banter with my ball-fro in full view.
Stow that shit.
Only then may you ask me about the weather without me crushing your sternum.
2. Never say "excuse me" when you fart.
Farting is awesome.
It is, however, unacceptable to say "Excuse me" after an ass-blast of any magnitude.
Unless you're a fag.
Or a girl.
Here are some of the acceptable, manly things to say after letting one loose:
a. Hahaha...!
b. Hahaha...! Did you hear that shit...?!
c. Booya...!
You get the picture.
3. Wiping deodorant on yourself counts as a shower.
Your significant other needs to get her head around that shit.
It's the way it is.
Bathing is often a waste of time and Speed Stick is a perfectly acceptable substitute.
Especially if you're getting ready to go to someone else's wedding or your wife's bullshit office party.
4. Titties are awesome.
No explanation needed.
And there are no exceptions except in the case of dude boobs or "doobs".
Those are not cool.
If you respond to my lewd comment about a random pair of titties with "Ewwww" or anything less than unabashed enthusiasm, I will wreck your shit.
5. Don't tell me how to grill.
If you're fortunate enough to be invited to my compound for a meal, shut the fuck up.
Feel free to gush about how awesome I am or how hot my wife is or how all my shit is better than yours.
But do not make suggestions of any kind about the way I rock my grill.
I grill my shit the way I grill it.
I set it on fire for like 30 seconds and then turn it over to put the flames out.
When the flames on the other side have died down to like 6 inches high, it's done.
Eat it.
6. I know everything.
Don't fucking argue.
If I say something is awesome, leave it the fuck alone.
Likewise, if I say that something or someone is decidedly uncool, that's the way it is.
If I want to deliberate or hear a contradictory point of view, I'll talk to my wife, not you.
Dudes agree with other dudes about everything all the time.
Anyway, it is important to note that this is not a complete list.
You might follow these rules and still be a douche-bag.
I'll let you know.
Just keep your fucking pants on.
-
Anyway, it is important to note that this is not a complete list.
You might follow these rules and still be a douche-bag.
I'll let you know.
HA! Soooo true.
In turn, let me add three questions whose answers truly determine whether someone is a dude:
Have you ever shit somewhere other than in a toilet bowl? (A forest is preferable, but a golf course green, toilet tank, alley or closet will also suffice nicely.)
Do you understand that Steve McQueen is God?
Have you ever made yourself feel sick with one of your own farts? (If you've actually puked from it, you are a homo.)
All three questions must be answered in the affirmative. If they are not, you are a douchebag. Open your cute little legs and let me fuck you until you love me.
-
Anyway, it is important to note that this is not a complete list.
You might follow these rules and still be a douche-bag.
I'll let you know.
HA! Soooo true.
In turn, let me add three questions whose answers truly determine whether someone is a dude:
Have you ever shit somewhere other than in a toilet bowl? (A forest is preferable, but a golf course green, toilet tank, alley or closet will also suffice nicely.)
Do you understand that Steve McQueen is God?
Have you ever made yourself feel sick with one of your own farts? (If you've actually puked from it, you are a homo.)
All three questions must be answered in the affirmative. If they are not, you are a douchebag. Open your cute little legs and let me fuck you until you love me.
Decidedly manly additions to the list, Dean.
Well done.
First, Steve McQueen was The Man. But that's only because Lo Pan wasn't born yet.
Lo Pan would have made Steve his McBitch.
Second, the places in which I have delivered the ass-mail are too numerous to count.
Double points for you if you've ever made a deposit on a golf course green...
...In the cup.
So, double points for me.
And third, one of my farts smelled so bad one time that I thought I was going to pass out.
But I smiled to myself proudly anyway.
That fart ruled.
Come to think of it, I wish I could fart that nasty all the time.
It's almost pointless to expend the energy necessary to expel a big shit-bubble and have it not smell like burnt hair.
But that's just how I roll.
-
Fucking hysterical...
But please acknowledge that it's triple points for shitting into a ball washer.
-
But please acknowledge that it's triple points for shitting into a ball washer.
Triple points acknowledged.
Truly inspired.
Imagine your reaction when your Top-Flite comes out brown.
That's awesome.
-
OMG....Dude...I am going to say this, and you will definitely know what I am talking about if you've ever used a ball washer:
Do you think the SOUND of the washing would be different if poops, rather than soapy water, filled the reservoir? You plunge plunge plunge and it sounds heavy and dull and labored rather than crisp and poppy. And little pieces of shit spray off the brush bristles and into your face and lips, and then the smell hits you and you're like
Is this ball washer filled with SHIT? You gotta be kidding me. Who SHIT in this thing?
-
Dean "the former Cunt"
that is FUNNY.
-
Im sitting here with a buddy and we are in tears reading this shit. Nice work
-
Im sitting here with a buddy and we are in tears reading this shit. Nice work
siting with a buddy and shedding tears is gay.....unless you are watching old yellow.
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Im sitting here with a buddy and we are in tears reading this shit. Nice work
siting with a buddy and shedding tears is gay.....unless you are watching old yellow.
or Rudy
-
Im sitting here with a buddy and we are in tears reading this shit. Nice work
siting with a buddy and shedding tears is gay.....unless you are watching old yellow.
or Rudy
or Notting Hill
-
And little pieces of shit spray off the brush bristles and into your face and lips
THE VISUAL!!!!
HA!
-
An Open Letter To The Dudes At Airwick
Dear Airwick Scientist,
You are not cool.
My wife is simply trying to keep our house from smelling like ass.
You, on the other hand, are waging a continuous campaign to make her spend every last dollar to make our house smell like a French whorehouse.
Knock it the fuck off.
Who gave you the idea that anyone would want their crib to smell like jasmine and kiwi...?
You are a fag.
I want my house to smell like bacon and pussy.
But you obviously haven't invented that shit yet.
How about beef jerky and motor oil...?
We probably won't see that one either.
If you're going to keep inventing new stinks for my shit, at least invent something cool.
Calming-Apple-Spice...?
Bullshit.
Exciting-Stripper-Puntang would be better.
Inspired-Gardenia--Passion-Flower...?
Crap.
Reheated-Pot-Roast would rock my shit.
Warming-Harvest-Spice...?
You suck.
Four-Stroke-Engine-Exhaust would kick ass.
You're lucky that I 'm not a scientist in your little fag-lab.
My scent-ventions would rock it like it was Friday.
You'd end up being busted down to making cat food smell like something other than vomit.
You'd never be able to step to my shit.
I would invent smells that would make people high five each other and strut around like whackos.
My stinks would have people throwing themselves to the floor and scooting their asses across the carpet with delight.
Yours are just gay.
I'm wise to you, penis-wrinkle.
Get with the program and make something that smells cool.
Or I will find you and introduce you my latest scent.
It's called He-Kicked-Me-In-The-Back-And-Stomped-My-Shit.
-
An Open Letter To The Dudes At Airwick
Just a few suggestions to add to your awesome list.
WD-40
Sharpie.
-
Go-Jo hand cleaner and Carb cleaner!!!
-
Im sitting here with a buddy and we are in tears reading this shit. Nice work
siting with a buddy and shedding tears is gay.....unless you are watching old yellow.
or Rudy
or Notting Hill
or Old Yeller. That Old Yellow fuck was too gay for me.
-
Go-Jo hand cleaner and Carb cleaner!!!
Go-Jo, fuck yeah.
-
Fucking hysterically brilliant, my friend.
My 2 cents:
Burned-Dog-Hair
Bag-Of-Empty-Beer-Cans
Peanut-Butter-And-Fluff
Labia-Touched-By-Poops
Electrical-Fire
-
Falling Down And Crying Is Gay
I was playing lacrosse the other night.
Our goalie is a big, fat, loud-mouthed douche-bag who sucks.
Now a word or two about sucking at things.
I don't mind if people suck at something. It's moderately acceptable that you're a fag.
Personally, I only suck at things that are gay like sewing and diagnosing yeast infections and shit like that.
But I understand that other people stink at stuff.
Anyway, if you suck at something you should own that shit.
Simply realize that I'm better than you and shut the fuck up.
This guy doesn't follow that rule.
He sucks but spends a lot of time yelling about what other people should be doing.
That makes him an annoying retard who also sucks.
Bad combo.
But at any rate, this fat blob of shit happened to get hit in the chest with a shot, which subsequently fell into his stick.
Then he decided to run.
What the fuck...? I thought.
He lumbered out of the crease like a hippopotamus with Down Syndrome.
And then two dudes converged on him and totally wrecked his shit.
And I mean wrecked.
The dude went down like a tranquilized water buffalo and then started screaming like a bitch.
The way this guy was hollering, I honestly thought that we were going to have to call the medical barge to cart his ass to the hospital.
But then he finally stopped screaming and rolling around, apparently ready to play again.
I considered hurting him myself.
For real.
This is the guy who, when you were a kid playing Smear-The-Queer, would throw the football up in the air to keep you from owning his shit.
I hate dudes like that.
I was the kid who would have ruined him anyway.
You see, if you go down screaming and crying during the course of a game, stay the fuck down.
Even if it turns out that you're not really hurt, you've already played the bitch card and you should continue to lay there.
But for the love of Pete, don't get up.
All you've done is confirmed that you're a pussy.
If I fell down and started crying and then realized that I wasn't really hurt, I'd punch myself in the face while no one was looking.
At least then I'd have something to show for it.
-
Falling Down And Crying Is Gay
Lacrosse lends itself well to pussywillows. Weaksauce (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BcJLA7AZo98)
You should play soccer with me; then you wouldn't have to deal with that weak bullshit. Shapoopi (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jzEGkmY-Vio&feature=related)
-
Falling Down And Crying Is Gay
Lacrosse lends itself well to pussywillows. Weaksauce (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BcJLA7AZo98)
You should play soccer with me; then you wouldn't have to deal with that weak bullshit. Shapoopi (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jzEGkmY-Vio&feature=related)
Soccer is gay.
Football rules.
Thank you.
-
Oh shit, pull em out boys, lets see who's is longer.
-
Falling Down And Crying Is Gay
Lacrosse lends itself well to pussywillows. You should play soccer with me; then you wouldn't have to deal with that weak bullshit.
For the mentally challenged, I call your attention to the title of my post.
It's not called Your Sport Is More Gay Than Mine.
It's called, as you can plainly see, Falling Down And Crying Is Gay.
Which is true in any sport.
Let's not argue. (http://blackandwhitegames.net/wp-content/uploads/arguingontheinternet-special-olympics.jpg)
Douche-bag.
-
Falling Down And Crying Is Gay
Lacrosse lends itself well to pussywillows. You should play soccer with me; then you wouldn't have to deal with that weak bullshit.
For the mentally challenged, I call your attention to the title of my post.
It's not called Your Sport Is More Gay Than Mine.
It's called, as you can plainly see, Falling Down And Crying Is Gay.
Which is true in any sport.
Let's not argue. (http://blackandwhitegames.net/wp-content/uploads/arguingontheinternet-special-olympics.jpg)
Douche-bag.
Soccer is gay.
Football rules.
Thank you.
-
If I Was A Monster
I was reading a story to my seven year old the other night.
The book is filled with monster characters but they're all kind of gay.
They wear normal clothes and go to elementary school.
They hug each other a lot and they even sing songs.
And that got me thinking.
If I was a monster, I would be The Shit and people would think I was the best monster ever.
1. Clothes.
First of all, I would never wear clothes.
My junk would be just as scary as me, all hanging out and monstrous and stuff.
It would make people scream just to look at it.
It would always be waving around and looking terrible.
Sometimes I might even grab it and bludgeon people with it.
That would be hard to do if I was wearing a jogging suit or something.
2. Hair.
If I was a monster, I'd have tons of hair.
If you think about it, there are very few monsters with hair.
A lot of them are bald-headed or have tentacles on their heads.
I would have a huge monster 'fro.
It would be scary, but it would also be cool.
3. Slime.
I'd be literally dripping with slime.
If you have lots of slime, you don't even have to be that scary looking.
People just naturally freak out because you're gross.
Plus, slime makes a cool sound when you sling it against stuff like walls and people's foreheads.
That would be awesome.
4. Education.
As a monster, I would never be allowed to go to school because I would trash the place.
But I'd be naturally gifted.
When a chick's boyfriend tried to save her from my clutches by luring me into a trap, I would ruin his shit.
No one would ever be able to trick me.
I'd always be one step ahead of everyone and I would be sure to dominate anyone smarter than me.
5. Morals.
I wouldn't have any.
There's no chance that I would ever be homesick or lonely.
I'd have no weaknesses at all.
If I was a monster, I would ruin a whole troop of girl scouts without even thinking twice.
I would like to have at least one monster friend because wrecking shit is more fun with a buddy.
But if he got taken out with a rocket launcher or something, I wouldn't care that much.
I'd keep right on rampaging.
Anyway, there would never be a book about me because everyone would be too scared of me to write one.
I would spend all my time just stomping around, taking people's heads off, and knocking stuff over.
If I was a monster, it would be a bad idea to write a book about my shit.
Especially a kid's book...
-
1. Clothes.
First of all, I would never wear clothes.
My junk would be just as scary as me, all hanging out and monstrous and stuff.
It would make people scream just to look at it.
It would always be waving around and looking terrible.
Sometimes I might even grab it and bludgeon people with it.
That would be hard to do if I was wearing a jogging suit or something.
Tear-aways...you know the addidas w/ the snaps down the legs? Pretty sure man ruls # 1 applies to slimy-ass monsters (" If I can see your balls I'm not talking to you "). Got to stow that shit if you want a monter friend to wreck shit with.
-
HA! Dude...I haven't even started reading the fucking post. I began laughing at the title.
-
1. Clothes.
First of all, I would never wear clothes.
My junk would be just as scary as me, all hanging out and monstrous and stuff.
It would make people scream just to look at it.
It would always be waving around and looking terrible.
Sometimes I might even grab it and bludgeon people with it.
That would be hard to do if I was wearing a jogging suit or something.
Tear-aways...you know the addidas w/ the snaps down the legs? Pretty sure man rule # 1 applies to slimy-ass monsters (" If I can see your balls I'm not talking to you "). Got to stow that shit if you want a monster friend to wreck shit with.
Excellent point, Jay.
Please assume that, as a hairy monster, my ball-fro would be equally monstrous.
Victims would never see my shit until I whipped it out and started beating them with it.
That way, my monster friends could rampage with me without fear of seeing my hideous bag.
-
Holy shit, SWJ...I think you have found your Judas! Jaydisco is the ultimate disciple! I can't fucking believe he referenced one of your own man rules. I seriously can't believe it. He is unique and must be trusted, cultivated and rewarded.
-
Holy shit, SWJ...I think you have found your Judas! Jaydisco is the ultimate disciple! I can't fucking believe he referenced one of your own man rules. I seriously can't believe it. He is unique and must be trusted, cultivated and rewarded.
yeah, but fuck trophies...
-
Tips For People Other Than Me
I do the grocery shopping at my house.
And don't laugh.
I do it because, as with innumerable other tasks, I am the only one who can be trusted to do an awesome job.
I am the best grocery shopper in the history of grocery stores.
If there was a professional grocery shopping team, I would be the god they pray to before games.
Most people could take lessons from me.
If you're not me, here are some hints that can help you -
1. Lunchmeat = Your Income.
If you're picking out bologna, accept your status as a shit-caked serf, just close your eyes and pick one.
The fact that you spend 20 minutes in front of the bologna, huffing and sweating as your tiny brain tries to figure out whether 2 for $3 is a better deal than $1.50 each is maddening.
You're buying fucking bologna.
It doesn't matter which one you pick, you fat bag of shit.
They'll accept stamps for either one and they're both horsemeat anyway.
Pick one and get the fuck out of my way.
2. Your Phone Is A Piece Of Shit So Are You.
Yes, I know you think your cell phone is cool.
And yes, I know you think that your stealthy ear-piece might make others think you work for the CIA.
But I'm onto you.
The CIA doesn't hire 350 lb bitches wearing Lycra pants and ratty house slippers.
Get off your fucking phone.
You should have asked your delinquent little pot heads what kind of Ho-Hos they wanted before you left your hovel.
3. Height = Awesomeness.
I am awesome and tall.
Which automatically makes short people shit-headed circus freaks.
Do not ask me to help you get something down from the top shelf.
It interrupts my shit and throws off my mojo.
Just because you're short, I now have to stop what I'm doing to laugh at you and point my finger in your face.
That's rude of you.
Grow up.
4. Punching Your Kids Is Not Beneath Me.
Your kids are hideous.
It's like your vagina doubles as a goblin factory.
Feel free to leave your 9 little retards at home next time.
They are ill-behaved little sacs of stupid.
I would be willing to give them a lesson in awesomeness, but neither you nor they will like it.
It involves exactly 9 punches to 9 little heads and 1 back-flip round-house kick to the baby-maker.
That last one is for you.
5. Your Cart Is Not 4 Feet Wide. You Are.
Pull your shit over.
How many weeks in a row do I have to knock your cart over and throw you to the ground before you realize that you are in my way...?
Trying to get by you without brushing up against that ass is hard enough.
Do you have to leave your cart full of Marlboros and Twinkies in the middle of the fucking aisle...?
Does it really take that long to figure out which tub of fudge you should buy...?
I've seen overweight tree sloths move with a greater sense of urgency.
Recognize my power and move your shit.
Next time I won't ask so nicely.
$5.99 Is The Same As $6.00 So Shut The Fuck Up.
The cashier ringing out your cart full of shit must make a mistake equal to or greater than $1 for you to bitch about it.
If you hold me up by whining about how the corn pads were supposed to be on sale, but you got charged an extra $0.000002, I will ruin your shit.
Your crotch rot or other personal medical malady will be the least of your problems.
You'll be breathing through a Crazy Straw for the rest of your life if this shit continues.
Either that or I will personally see to it that you are refunded your six pennies by jamming them someplace where no one will ever, ever take them from you again.
These helpful tips will serve to make my trips to the grocery store much more enjoyable.
And that's really what we're all here for after all.
-
That's the line that lost me my virginity. I shit you not. Word for word. Look it up. (http://lmgtfy.com/?q=your+vagina+doubles+as+a+goblin+factory)
-
My Take On Politics
I can't believe how much my opinions rule.
Here's one -
Sarah Palin should have been elected.
There are a lot of reasons and virtually none of them are political.
Here are just a few, each of which is centered around the fact that she's smoking hot -
1. International Diplomacy Initiatives.
To put it succinctly, we could finally fuck France.
Literally.
Nicolas Sarkozy is a hound for pussy.
In addition to being President of the world's gayest country, he's also banging this broad (http://bbs.chinadaily.com.cn/attachments/month_0802/2007213072_carla_bruni_05_pWIzOV94HXtP.jpg).
Nice.
It wouldn't take much for him to start sniffing Palin's panties.
She could then, in essence, fuck France for us.
Joe Biden probably wouldn't do that, which technically makes him a traitor.
2. Federal Incentives In Exchange For Fiscal Responsibility.
Imagine paying your federal taxes early.
Now imagine getting an autographed photo of Palin's beaver in return.
If only 2% of Americans are gay dudes, that means that the majority of the American tax-paying population would have at least some interest in seeing Sarah Palin's box.
About 140 million people file tax returns each year, but only about 30% of them file early.
Palin's crotch-basket could bring in a shit load of dough.
And that's positive cash flow, which leads to a balanced fucking budget.
Plus, if people stay inside to spank their shit, there would also be less crime.
You simply can't rob a bank if you're laying on your mom's couch pleasuring yourself.
Positive pornographic propaganda.
It's good for America.
3. Improvement Of De Facto Duties.
Part of the job of the Vice President is attend functions and events that the President is otherwise to busy to go to.
If Palin went to some Ubangi chief's funeral or something, she could turn that shit into a party.
Just looking at her, you know she parties.
And even if she doesn't take her top off at the reception, dudes would stick around because she just might...
Because no matter what country you're from, titties make everything more awesome.
4. We Win The Battle For The Environment.
Sarah Palin is hot.
But she doesn't give a shit about polar bears.
If, using some of the above statistics, only 2% of environmental wackos are gay, then 98% of them would rather have Palin sit on their face than save an otter or something.
Inherently, the war to save the environment could be won by Palin's muff.
Simply put, if activists would be willing to chop down a tree in exchange for the opportunity to throw a shot into the VP, no one would give two shits about trees.
In fact, if you air dropped Sarah Palin onto that Greenpeace boat wearing nothing but a parka, those nut-munching doofs would take a dump in a whale's blowhole if you asked them to.
Problem solved.
In short, I think there was too much emphasis placed on Sarah Palin's intellect during the election campaign.
She's an idiot.
But the success of enterprises like Hooter's proves that American ingenuity knows no bounds and that the smartest capitalists on earth know that the power of pussy is priceless.
Feel free to comment, but keep in mind that if you disagree with my opinions, you are a communist.
-
"Joe Biden probably wouldn't do that, which technically makes him a traitor."
Holy shit, that's funny.
Right now, I am thinking about 69ing with Sarah Palin (her on top). And I must... (wait, no, her on bottom) ...must say that she is sooooooo soft.
I really like the way older ladies' skin feels in my mouth. I can suck on little spheres of meat, because it isn't taut like teenage girls' skin (which, admittedly, I haven't sucked on since the Reagan administration). It's so cool to get a complete mouthful of skin like that. I feel kinda like a puma.
(Switches to her on top.)
It's funny how things go when in a 69 with the gal on top. Things get to the point where she's out of her mind orgasming and you're about to blow an o-ring and you think to yourself,
"This woman could seriously shit on my forehead right now, and I wouldn't care AT ALL."
-
Right now, I am thinking about 69ing with Sarah Palin (her on top).
Ever notice how much hotter chicks are when they wear school-teacher glasses...?
My second grade teacher with glasses. (http://farm1.static.flickr.com/134/350042180_2ae5cdb2ee.jpg?v=0)
My second grade teacher without glasses. (http://alpha2.bmc.uu.se/gerard/dombo/pics/ugly_001.jpg)
You could put school-teacher glasses on a Buick and I'd want to hump it.
-
Right now, I am thinking about 69ing with Sarah Palin (her on top).
Ever notice how much hotter chicks are when they wear school-teacher glasses...?
My second grade teacher with glasses. (http://farm1.static.flickr.com/134/350042180_2ae5cdb2ee.jpg?v=0)
My second grade teacher without glasses. (http://alpha2.bmc.uu.se/gerard/dombo/pics/ugly_001.jpg)
You could put school-teacher glasses on a Buick and I'd want to hump it.
I prefer mustaches.
-
Ever notice how much hotter chicks are when they wear school-teacher glasses...?
My second grade teacher with glasses. (http://farm1.static.flickr.com/134/350042180_2ae5cdb2ee.jpg?v=0)
My second grade teacher without glasses. (http://alpha2.bmc.uu.se/gerard/dombo/pics/ugly_001.jpg)
You could put school-teacher glasses on a Buick and I'd want to hump it.
I prefer mustaches.
Then this hottie (http://images.smarter.com/blogs/big%20female%20mustache.jpg) is for you.
Enjoy.
-
"This woman could seriously shit on my forehead right now, and I wouldn't care AT ALL."
If I had a nickel for everytime I had that thought....
-
SWJ, I am familiar with Swamp. It is the affliction that sets off conversations like these:
*Dean hugs wife tenderly*
Wife: "You smell."
Dean: "Like what?"
Wife: "Like stinky. Gross."
Dean: "Toss my salad?"
*embrace ends*
holy shit i can't stop laughing
-
I saw a McDonald's commercial last night.
Here, for those of you who have not seen it, are the lyrics.
And I swear I am not making this shit up:
I need a dubba cheeseburger,
An' hold da lettuce.
Don't be frontin, son,
No seeds on da bun
We be up in dis drive-thru,
Order fo' two.
I gots a cravin' fo' a numba nine,
Like my shoe.
We need some chicken up in here,
In the dizzle.
Fo' rizzle my mizzle.
Extra salt on da frizzle.
Dr. Peppa, my brotha,
An' anotha for your mutha.
Dubba dubba supa size,
An' don fo'get the fries.
There are so many ways in which I could make fun of this, that I'm not quite sure where to start.
This (http://pix.motivatedphotos.com/2009/2/26/633712266062242845-ronaldmcdonald.jpg) is all I could think of.
-
Oh. My. God.
McDonald's has risen to new heights in racial marketing. Bravo, assholes.
-
Oh, and SWJ...Were the lyrics on the liner notes for the LP? Weirdo.
-
I saw a McDonald's commercial last night.
Here, for those of you who have not seen it, are the lyrics.
And I swear I am not making this shit up:
I need a dubba cheeseburger,
An' hold da lettuce.
Don't be frontin, son,
No seeds on da bun
We be up in dis drive-thru,
Order fo' two.
I gots a cravin' fo' a numba nine,
Like my shoe.
We need some chicken up in here,
In the dizzle.
Fo' rizzle my mizzle.
Extra salt on da frizzle.
Dr. Peppa, my brotha,
An' anotha for your mutha.
Dubba dubba supa size,
An' don fo'get the fries.
There are so many ways in which I could make fun of this, that I'm not quite sure where to start.
This (http://pix.motivatedphotos.com/2009/2/26/633712266062242845-ronaldmcdonald.jpg) is all I could think of.
Uh, aren't you referring to the youtube video of the guys driving up to the drive-in and rapping their order to the unsuspecting drive through clerk?
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I saw a McDonald's commercial last night.
Here, for those of you who have not seen it, are the lyrics.
And I swear I am not making this shit up:
I need a dubba cheeseburger,
An' hold da lettuce.
Don't be frontin, son,
No seeds on da bun
We be up in dis drive-thru,
Order fo' two.
I gots a cravin' fo' a numba nine,
Like my shoe.
We need some chicken up in here,
In the dizzle.
Fo' rizzle my mizzle.
Extra salt on da frizzle.
Dr. Peppa, my brotha,
An' anotha for your mutha.
Dubba dubba supa size,
An' don fo'get the fries.
There are so many ways in which I could make fun of this, that I'm not quite sure where to start.
This (http://pix.motivatedphotos.com/2009/2/26/633712266062242845-ronaldmcdonald.jpg) is all I could think of.
Uh, aren't you referring to the youtube video of the guys driving up to the drive-in and rapping their order to the unsuspecting drive through clerk?
the link (http://www.break.com/index/mcdonalds_drive_through_rap.html)
the lady at the end throws them off
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Roy and Glenn have sucked the wind from my sails. Shit.
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I saw a McDonald's commercial last night.
Here, for those of you who have not seen it, are the lyrics.
And I swear I am not making this shit up:
I need a dubba cheeseburger,
An' hold da lettuce.
Don't be frontin, son,
No seeds on da bun
We be up in dis drive-thru,
Order fo' two.
I gots a cravin' fo' a numba nine,
Like my shoe.
We need some chicken up in here,
In the dizzle.
Fo' rizzle my mizzle.
Extra salt on da frizzle.
Dr. Peppa, my brotha,
An' anotha for your mutha.
Dubba dubba supa size,
An' don fo'get the fries.
There are so many ways in which I could make fun of this, that I'm not quite sure where to start.
This (http://pix.motivatedphotos.com/2009/2/26/633712266062242845-ronaldmcdonald.jpg) is all I could think of.
I'm going with large mountain dew (not like my shoe).
I speak jive...
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Roy and Glenn have sucked the wind from my sails. Shit.
I just calls them as I sees them. I've been the first to commend SWJ on his witty and quite insightful remarks and introspection on more than one occasion, but I am dearly afraid I may have ratted him out on this one.
Sorry, friend.
Live hard, play football.
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Roy and Glenn have sucked the wind from my sails. Shit.
I just calls them as I sees them. I've been the first to commend SWJ on his witty and quite insightful remarks and introspection on more than one occasion, but I am dearly afraid I may have ratted him out on this one.
Sorry, friend.
Live hard, play football.
Wow, sorry dude, it was not my intent to suck. I was impressed on how the lyrics were posted, and still believe this is ripe for ridicule. The gangsta McDonald was cool, or not cool, funny.
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Roy and Glenn have sucked the wind from my sails. Shit.
I just calls them as I sees them. I've been the first to commend SWJ on his witty and quite insightful remarks and introspection on more than one occasion, but I am dearly afraid I may have ratted him out on this one.
Sorry, friend.
Live hard, play football.
Just to clarify...FtheKodiak means real football...american football...none of that gay ass soccer.
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Wow, sorry dude, it was not my intent to suck. I was impressed on how the lyrics were posted, and still believe this is ripe for ridicule. The gangsta McDonald was cool, or not cool, funny.
No worries, bitches.
Just in case you were wondering, McDonald's really is working on an "urban" themed commercial.
Here is an excerpt from a recent press release:
"...The Mo' Money ad agency has been selected to lead the charge in developing a new urban themed ad campaign to support McDonald's dope new image. This new collaboration includes targeting criteria such as geography, gender, age, number of shorties, frequency of felony convictions, and mobile preferences for both Web and mobile Web campaigns.
"Yo. By being able to hyper-target our audience, we're able to truly pimp our shit by reaching out to our customers in a very focused and cost-efficient manner an' shit," said LeShawn Jones, associate media director for Mo' Money.
In recent months, Mo' Money has worked with dozens of high-visibility advertisers to incorporate hip, urban campaigns for companies like ATT Wireless, ABC Family, Colt 45, Baretta Firearms, 20th Century Fox and Warner Home Entertainment..."
As a marketing teaser, Mo' Money released these lyric notes as a lead in to their upcoming McDonald's commercial promoting their McNugget products:
Mah bitch gots her freak on,
And dat ain't no lie.
An' I wanna eat sumpthin,
Beside skanky ho' pie.
I gots me a hankerin'
Fo' some bitchin' McD's.
Gonna pimp me some McNuggets,
Instead of pimpin' dat skeez.
Got mah Nugs in mah pockets,
Got mah nine in yo' back.
Gimme all yo' money,
Or else I'll bust a cap.
Ronald's mah boy... (Yeah, yeah, fuck yeah)
Ronald's mah boy... (Yeah, yeah, fuck yeah)
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Got mah Nugs in mah pockets
heh..heh...He said "Nugs"
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I have been extremely busy over the last several months and have visited the site quickly and intermittently during this time. I stumbled across this today and found myself laughing OUT LOUD at this shit. Excellent posts SWJ - funny shit.
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Rules For The Road
I just got back from a driving vacation.
And while driving, I made some observations that are, in fact, awesome and worth posting.
Here they are, in no particular order of importance:
1. Automobile Glass
That's right shit-for-brains.
I can see through the glass in your car.
How many fingers are you planning to shove in your blow-hole...?
And don't think I didn't see you put that boogie in your mouth.
2. Bumper Stickers
The "Bitch On Board" sticker on your bumper...?
We know.
If you find a bumper sticker that reads "I'm A Self-Centered, Insecure Shrew With The Face Of A Bulldog", buy it.
It's more immediately descriptive and courteous to those of us who are wondering.
3. Your Kids
If I see your little kids waving like lunatics out your rear window, I will respond.
By cheerfully giving them the finger, just because doing so cracks me up.
4. Lesbians
If you're female and you drive a Subaru, you're a lesbian.
You drive a Lesbaru.
The rainbow sticker is redundant.
5. I Rule
When I come up behind you in the fast lane at 80mph and flick my headlights...?
Get the fuck out of my way.
It's a law.
6. You Suck
When you come up behind me in the fast lane at 90mph and flick your headlights...?
Go fuck yourself.
That's a law too, bitch.
7. Your Girlfriend Is An Inconsiderate Slob
If my girlfriend ever put her bare fucking feet on my dashboard, I'd give her an elbow right in the cake hole.
You should do the same to the hose-bag in your passenger seat.
You should punch her in the face right now.
8. Changing Lanes
Changing lanes three at a time is reserved for me.
It's awesome when I do it.
When you do it, you're an inconsiderate douche.
9. Rest Stops
The fact that we saw each other at the last rest stop does not give you the right to invite me to high-five you when we see each other at the next one.
I may just opt to give you a congratulatory kick in the balls instead.
10. Asians
Asian people never go anywhere alone.
I swear, whenever I see a car pull into a rest area with an Asian dude driving, he's automatically got like 20 other people jammed in his sled.
Like a clown car at the circus.
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Lesbaru...nice.
I am planning on writing an Ode to SWJ for each of the European countries I visit.
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The fact that we saw each other at the last rest stop does not give you the right to invite me to high-five you when we see each other at the next one.
I don't know what's funnier: Your comment about this, or the fact that it actually fucking HAPPENED (both the rest-stop brotherhood AND the fact that you saw the same dude twice)
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:ph43r:
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Acronym Eulogy
Michael
Is
Cooked.
His
Asswipe
Eccentricity
Lost.
Jumping
Adults..?
Cool.
Kids...?
Surely
Obnoxious.
Nuff said.
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*laughing*
"Jumping adults? Cool."
It reminds me of a bit Mitch Hedberg did...what HE considered an AIDS test:
"Hey, Brian. Do you know anyone who has AIDS? No? Cool. Cause you know ME."
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Acronym Eulogy II
Michael
Is
Chasing
Half-Pints
Around
Ethereal
Land
Jilted
Angels
Cannot
Know
Sexcapades
Of
Neverland
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I don't know what's more disturbing -
The fact that you found my original eulogy touching enough to repeat...
Or that you actually got yours to rhyme.
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I want you in me
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I want you in me
LMAO. Dean you are so fucking twisted.
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A Lesson On North Korea
I've been thinking lately about the two female reporters that got arrested in North Korea.
It's a little late for them, but for those of you thinking of going to North Korea, here are some tips:
1. You're An Idiot.
You have to be a complete retard to want to go to North Korea.
North Korea does not fuck around.
You know how countries like Japan export electronics and ones like Ireland export potatoes...?
North Korea exports bad-assery.
And they do not care what you think.
2. Have A Really, Really Good Reason.
These two bitches went to North Korea for Al Gore's TV network.
Are you fucking kidding me...?
This is NOT an example of a good reason.
3. Be From North Korea.
If you're from North Korea, and you left but now want to go back...?
Don't.
They're pissed at you.
It might help that your cousin is the one in charge of public floggings, but he probably won't care.
Stay where you are and open a dry-cleaners instead.
4. Keep In Mind That No One Cares.
When you get caught in North Korea, your family will make noise like they're pissed off about your capture.
They're really not.
They're afraid of North Korea.
They know that no one can step to North Korea's shit and they also know you're fucked.
Your mom will do a lot of things for you, but she will refuse to get all up in North Korea's face.
5. "Labor Camp" Is Not What You Think.
This is not a week long activity for pregnant bitches, nor does it involve campfires or sleeping in cabins.
Those two ding-dongs got sentenced to 12 years in a North Korean labor camp.
Their shit is ruined because North Korea specializes in acting all hostile.
Essentially, the entire country of North Korea is like a scary troll cave where crazy, pissed off ninjas on PCP live.
But if you still want to go, at least you'll save on airfare because you certainly won't need a return ticket.
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Yet another stupendously funny installment.
"...get all up in North Korea's face." Brilliant.
Lo Pan is fucking North Korean, isn't he?
Is Jon from "Jon Kate Plus Eight" North Korean? Because if he is, I'll stop fucking his wife.
I am KEEPING the drawings his kids gave me, though.
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It's funny you mentioned Kate Gosselin.
I heard she was planning to sell a couple of her kids to raise money in light of her recent divorce proceedings.
She should probably keep the ones that look more Asian and sell the ones that look like her.
I also read that she was trying to patent her "I'm A Life-Sucking Bitch" hair-do.
Words cannot express how badly I want to kung-fu that nagging shrew.
I would actually pay for her trip to North Korea...
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great, I start reading this thread and now the whole family thinks Im more batshit crazy than ever. I have been laughing out loud and spitting coffee on the keyboard for a half hour.
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So, I was having breakfast with a couple of guys the other morning and, in the middle of the conversation, one dude said that, at least in the wintertime, his wife doesn't shave her legs or her pits.
For real.
So, being the good friend that I am, I made retching noises in his face and pointed my finger at him and laughed.
After that though, I thought of some things you should never, ever talk about.
Ever.
1. Your Genital Problems.
I know it's tough to believe, but I couldn't care less about what's going on in your Danger Zone.
The fact that your crotch is chapped or chafed doesn't interest me in the least.
Nor do I give two shits about the fact that your balls are a weird shape or a different color than they should be.
In fact, you choosing to share any information at all with me regarding your chassis is liable to make whatever malady you have even worse.
What goes well with your decision to talk to me about your raging case of crotch rot...?
How about my foot colliding swiftly with your nut sac and you doubled over in pain.
That's awesome.
2. Other People's Genital Problems.
See #1 before discussing your wife's crotch with me.
Chances are good that I know more about your wife's crotch than you do anyway.
3. How Smart Your Kids Are
No matter how great your kids are, I'm better.
So your little Timmy is a whiz at spelling...?
Wow.
Can he spell "cunnilinigus"...?
I think not.
I am more awesome than your kid because I can spell better, I get more pussy, and I just generally rock harder.
Remember that.
And you can tell that little butthole I said so.
4. How Awesome Your Cell Phone Is
I'm not a cell phone guy.
If I could manage to carry around a pay-phone, I would.
So your phone does a million different things.
Guess what...
It's still a phone, shit-for-brains.
Now guess what my cell phone does....
It makes fucking phone calls.
If you whip your piece-of-shit phone out during a conversation and start fucking with it, I will automatically invent one of the following new uses for it:
a. Suppository
b. Football
c. Blunt instrument of pain
Keep it in your fancy belt clip, Spock.
5. Whatever You're In Training For
As soon as you tell me you're in training for something, I'm mentally estimating how fat you are.
I'm also gauging how much faster I am than you.
Plus, I don't care whether or not "it's for a good cause".
Whenever someone says "...it's for a good cause..." it means that that person is a pussy who doesn't have the mojo to slam their front door in someone else's face.
The last twat that knocked on my door "for a good cause" got kung-fu'ed in the face and ended up in a pile in the middle of my front yard with a blistering hernia.
Here is a short list of subjects that are always acceptable to discuss:
1. Me
2. Lobo
3. Lo-Pan
4. Meat
5. Banging Kelly Ripa
6. Kung-fu
Keep it in mind.
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1. Your Genital Problems.
Just a quick question, I consider saying "fuck my balls itch" to be a courtesy to those around so they know I'm not masturbating. I agree saying "the HIgh fiVe I got rompin' other dudes asses is causing uncomfortable scrotum issues" is well out of line and should be kept on the DL.
comments...?
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Just a quick question, I consider saying "fuck my balls itch" to be a courtesy to those around so they know I'm not masturbating. I agree saying "the HIgh fiVe I got rompin' other dudes asses is causing uncomfortable scrotum issues" is well out of line and should be kept on the DL.
comments...?
Good question, Roy and thank you for tuning in.
In my opinion, you should remember this simple mantra:
It is generally acceptable for you to make an exclamation about your genitals, especially if you include at least one cuss word.
Example: "Good lord, my balls are fucking huge."
That's an impressive statement right there.
It is not however, acceptable to refer to someone else's genitals in the same sentence.
Example: "Boy, my balls are fucking huge but they're not as awesome as Larry's."
You see...? Not nearly as impressive.
By the simple turn of a phrase, your gayness would no longer be in question.
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Jesus Christ...funny. My two cents:
I don't believe there is a problem with the masturbating in the first place, Roy.
Example: "It is fucking awesome jerking off in front of you douchebags."
See...? No need to explain yourself, Roy. Whether a real itch or just itching to cum inside your pants, it's cool.
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What goes well with your decision to talk to me about your raging case of crotch rot...?
How about my foot colliding swiftly with your nut sac and you doubled over in pain.
Chances are good that I know more about your wife's crotch than you do anyway.
I am more awesome than your kid because I can spell better, I get more pussy, and I just generally rock harder.
The last twat that knocked on my door "for a good cause" got kung-fu'ed in the face and ended up in a pile in the middle of my front yard with a blistering hernia.
Classic!!!! 'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup' Fucking Classic!!!!!!! 'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup'
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Jesus Christ...funny. My two cents:
I don't believe there is a problem with the masturbating in the first place, Roy.Â
Example: "It is fucking awesome jerking off in front of you douchebags."
See...? No need to explain yourself, Roy. Whether a real itch or just itching to cum inside your pants, it's cool.
Dude, I don't think you're getting it...
It is generally acceptable for you to make an exclamation about your genitals, especially if you include at least one cuss word.
Your statement was neither an exclamation nor did it contain enough profanity.
Status of genital endowment should also be included.
Now I may be out of line but I believe the proper response would be:
Example: "Few more jerks on my monster fucking cock and the bastard's gonna blow!"
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I'm throwing out the red flag on this.
At the risk of losing a time-out I am going to challenge the following ruling:
"Nor do I give two shits about the fact that your balls are a weird shape or a different color than they should be."
My case: People from the northeast are generally funny-ass pricks. They are steeped in sarcasm from a young age, and have evolved and acute sense of wit often coupled with cynicism (more than likely related to the fucked up weather patterns they are subjected to). Their humor is typically derived from one of three sources:
1. One's own weakness, suffering or loss
and/or
2. The weakness, suffering or loss of others
and/or
3. Physical abnormalities
You are from the northeast, and have proved beyond a reasonable doubt that you are a funny-ass prick; Exhibiting sarcasm, and acute sense of wit and cynicism, and certainly deriving your humor from the the above mentioned sources.
If this statement is true, then one would have to conclude that you would INDEED "give two shits about the fact that your balls are a weird shape or a different color than they should be."
Mainly because that shit would be hilarious, and you wouldn't be able to pass a stranger on the street without sharing the knowledge of said scrotal abnormality in addition to referring to the guy as "crayola balls" or " "squash nuts"
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A Brief Analysis Of Jay's Analysis
I'm throwing out the red flag on this.
At the risk of losing a time-out I am going to challenge...
First of all, you do get a fucking time out.
For the next 10 seconds, I'm not talking to you.
...humor is typically derived from one of three sources:
1. One's own weakness, suffering or loss
and/or
2. The weakness, suffering or loss of others
and/or
3. Physical abnormalities
I have no weaknesses.
If this statement is true, then one would have to conclude that you would INDEED "give two shits about the fact that your balls are a weird shape or a different color than they should be."
If you are questioning whether or not I would be concerned if my own balls were a weird shape, I certainly would.
I just don't care what kind of crotch-drama is going on with other dudes.
Mainly because that shit would be hilarious, and you wouldn't be able to pass a stranger on the street without sharing the knowledge of said scrotal abnormality in addition to referring to the guy as "crayola balls" or " "squash nuts"
You have got me there.
Although sharing a detailed medical analysis of your balls will simply give me the green light to crush your sternum, I would find it hilarious.
Especially if there was a weird rash or debilitating itchiness involved.
That's funny shit.
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Jesus Christ...funny. My two cents:
I don't believe there is a problem with the masturbating in the first place, Roy.Â
Example: "It is fucking awesome jerking off in front of you douchebags."
See...? No need to explain yourself, Roy. Whether a real itch or just itching to cum inside your pants, it's cool.
Dude, I don't think you're getting it...
It is generally acceptable for you to make an exclamation about your genitals, especially if you include at least one cuss word.
Your statement was neither an exclamation nor did it contain enough profanity.
Status of genital endowment should also be included.
Now I may be out of line but I believe the proper response would be:
Example: "Few more jerks on my monster fucking cock and the bastard's gonna blow!"
Touchee, Roy. I wish I made my statement an exclamation. If I did, I wouldn't feel like such a tool right now. I feel like Mike Yanagita.
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Oh my god. I love laughing. Good shit.
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Oh my god. I love laughing. Good shit.
Me too, Dean. Me too.
But let us not forsake the seriousness of this topic for mere hilarity.
To review:
Things That Are Gay To Talk About:
1. Your balls.
2. Someone else's balls.
3. How awesome your kids are.
4. How much ass your cell phone kicks.
Things That Are Cool To Talk About:
1. Me
2. Lobo
3. Lo-Pan
4. Meat
5. Banging Kelly Ripa
6. Kung Fu
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Just for the record, If my kid is fucking Kelly Ripa and his balls are bouncing off her ass and it just so happens that he borrowed my phone and is streaming live video of it to my house, and Im eating a slab of beef with Lo Pan. Can I tell Lo Pan that my kid is awesome, my phone is awesome, and hey check out that ball slappage. Or still gay???
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4. Meat
THIS is going on my tombstone.
(Of course, I won't actually be in the grave, because I have become immortal. It will be a big joke.)
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But oh my god...I would so much love to roger the Christ out of Kelly Ripa's skinny ass. I love getting fucked up by pointy bones whilst fucking a gal.
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Just for the record, If my kid is fucking Kelly Ripa and his balls are bouncing off her ass and it just so happens that he borrowed my phone and is streaming live video of it to my house, and Im eating a slab of beef with Lo Pan. Can I tell Lo Pan that my kid is awesome, my phone is awesome, and hey check out that ball slappage. Or still gay???
You have just described what is easily a great man-moment of nirvana.
Definitely not gay.
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SWJ where have you been?
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I apologize profusely for not having posted snippets of greatness here lately.
There has been some unexpected drama which has kept me somewhat preoccupied.
That is not to say that I have not had a plethora of subject matter occur to me...
It's just that my attention has been decidedly elsewhere over the last couple of weeks.
Here though, are a couple of possible subjects coming soon -
1) My hero Lee Majors embarrassingly hawking his Bionic Ear on television
2) My crazy in-laws
3) The extent to which I want to dominate Kelly Ripa's muff
4) How much I would pay to kung-fu the Sham-Wow guy
5) How much ass tuna fish kicks
These and other life-changing topics will undoubtedly be discussed here in the near future.
Until then bear with me, bitches.
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1)Â My hero Lee Majors embarrassingly hawking his Bionic Ear on television
Big fan of your page SWJ but what's next, Lindsay Wanger hawking the bionic elastic pussy molds or Bionic Bigfoot (you may remember the special, multi-part mini-drama which included Bigfoot) hawking bionic Bigfoot sized fake Doody? I'm with you on the Sham-Wow guy too. He's a big time Mr. McDouchalot.
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SWJ: I thought about your page when I was moving an in-law last weekend, and it seemed like this post might fit in here, and fill in the gap in posting you've left recently. Feel free to add or edit rules if I've missed anything.
Rules for Moving (if I'm helping you).
1. Have all of your shit packed before I get there. If it is not in a box and wrapped with lots of newspaper, I will break it.
2. If you are there to help, help. Do not show up late, complain about traffic, joke about your perfect timing because everything is done, and sit there smoking where I am forced to walk through your stink. Make especially sure not to act like you injure yourself moving one of the final (small) remaining items so that you won't have to help unload the truck.
3. Don't try to direct the show. I am in charge, and I say where things go. Keep your opinion on where to put the computer desk to yourself. I have a plan and I am lifting the shit, so fuck off.
4. Don't comment on my driving. I'm going to beat the shit out of the truck because it's a rental, and I bought the insurance. I am going to drive fast, because I packed the load and I know it will stay in place.
5. If you're not going to help, stay the fuck out of my way.
6. Provide meat. If I agree to help you move, I bust ass and get shit done. At the end of the day of moving, I expect to have lots of meat available to replenish my energy. It's just the considerate thing to do.
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Rules for Moving (if I'm helping you).
1. Have all of your shit packed before I get there. If it is not in a box and wrapped with lots of newspaper, I will break it.
2. If you are there to help, help. Do not show up late, complain about traffic, joke about your perfect timing because everything is done, and sit there smoking where I am forced to walk through your stink. Make especially sure not to act like you injure yourself moving one of the final (small) remaining items so that you won't have to help unload the truck.
3. Don't try to direct the show. I am in charge, and I say where things go. Keep your opinion on where to put the computer desk to yourself. I have a plan and I am lifting the shit, so fuck off.
4. Don't comment on my driving. I'm going to beat the shit out of the truck because it's a rental, and I bought the insurance. I am going to drive fast, because I packed the load and I know it will stay in place.
5. If you're not going to help, stay the fuck out of my way.
6. Provide meat. If I agree to help you move, I bust ass and get shit done. At the end of the day of moving, I expect to have lots of meat available to replenish my energy. It's just the considerate thing to do.
Bravo, Nate.
I think your rules make the grade - Simple, direct, and peppered with cuss words.
One additional rule that I believe is important to add would be the following:
7. Keep your kids away from me. I don't like kids in general, but I especially don't like yours. For additional clarity, see Rule #5.
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Rules for Moving (if I'm helping you).
1. Have all of your shit packed before I get there. If it is not in a box and wrapped with lots of newspaper, I will break it.
2. If you are there to help, help. Do not show up late, complain about traffic, joke about your perfect timing because everything is done, and sit there smoking where I am forced to walk through your stink. Make especially sure not to act like you injure yourself moving one of the final (small) remaining items so that you won't have to help unload the truck.
3. Don't try to direct the show. I am in charge, and I say where things go. Keep your opinion on where to put the computer desk to yourself. I have a plan and I am lifting the shit, so fuck off.
4. Don't comment on my driving. I'm going to beat the shit out of the truck because it's a rental, and I bought the insurance. I am going to drive fast, because I packed the load and I know it will stay in place.
5. If you're not going to help, stay the fuck out of my way.
6. Provide meat. If I agree to help you move, I bust ass and get shit done. At the end of the day of moving, I expect to have lots of meat available to replenish my energy. It's just the considerate thing to do.
Bravo, Nate.
I think your rules make the grade - Simple, direct, and peppered with cuss words.
One additional rule that I believe is important to add would be the following:
7. Keep your kids away from me. I don't like kids in general, but I especially don't like yours. For additional clarity, see Rule #5.
Just one more if I may:
8: The beer had better not be light, and it had better be cold. Nothing sucks ass more than working my ass off for you and then having to leave so's I can go buy my own cold beer.
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Rules for Moving (if I'm helping you).
1. Have all of your shit packed before I get there. If it is not in a box and wrapped with lots of newspaper, I will break it.
2. If you are there to help, help. Do not show up late, complain about traffic, joke about your perfect timing because everything is done, and sit there smoking where I am forced to walk through your stink. Make especially sure not to act like you injure yourself moving one of the final (small) remaining items so that you won't have to help unload the truck.
3. Don't try to direct the show. I am in charge, and I say where things go. Keep your opinion on where to put the computer desk to yourself. I have a plan and I am lifting the shit, so fuck off.
4. Don't comment on my driving. I'm going to beat the shit out of the truck because it's a rental, and I bought the insurance. I am going to drive fast, because I packed the load and I know it will stay in place.
5. If you're not going to help, stay the fuck out of my way.
6. Provide meat. If I agree to help you move, I bust ass and get shit done. At the end of the day of moving, I expect to have lots of meat available to replenish my energy. It's just the considerate thing to do.
Bravo, Nate.
I think your rules make the grade - Simple, direct, and peppered with cuss words.
One additional rule that I believe is important to add would be the following:
7. Keep your kids away from me. I don't like kids in general, but I especially don't like yours. For additional clarity, see Rule #5.
Just one more if I may:
8: The beer had better not be light, and it had better be cold. Nothing sucks ass more than working my ass off for you and then having to leave so's I can go buy my own cold beer.
9. Do not ask me to help you move unless you intend to suck my johnson balls deep before and after the work is performed. Meat and beer are not sufficient to secure my help.
-
Rules for Moving (if I'm helping you).
1. Have all of your shit packed before I get there. If it is not in a box and wrapped with lots of newspaper, I will break it.
2. If you are there to help, help. Do not show up late, complain about traffic, joke about your perfect timing because everything is done, and sit there smoking where I am forced to walk through your stink. Make especially sure not to act like you injure yourself moving one of the final (small) remaining items so that you won't have to help unload the truck.
3. Don't try to direct the show. I am in charge, and I say where things go. Keep your opinion on where to put the computer desk to yourself. I have a plan and I am lifting the shit, so fuck off.
4. Don't comment on my driving. I'm going to beat the shit out of the truck because it's a rental, and I bought the insurance. I am going to drive fast, because I packed the load and I know it will stay in place.
5. If you're not going to help, stay the fuck out of my way.
6. Provide meat. If I agree to help you move, I bust ass and get shit done. At the end of the day of moving, I expect to have lots of meat available to replenish my energy. It's just the considerate thing to do.
Bravo, Nate.
I think your rules make the grade - Simple, direct, and peppered with cuss words.
One additional rule that I believe is important to add would be the following:
7. Keep your kids away from me. I don't like kids in general, but I especially don't like yours. For additional clarity, see Rule #5.
Just one more if I may:
8: The beer had better not be light, and it had better be cold. Nothing sucks ass more than working my ass off for you and then having to leave so's I can go buy my own cold beer.
9. Do not ask me to help you move unless you intend to suck my johnson balls deep before and after the work is performed. Meat and beer are not sufficient to secure my help.
Thanks for the feedback guys. For the record: my wife thanked me for moving her relative as noted in rule #9 above, and the relative in question thanked all involved with large amounts of barbecued tri-tip sandwich as noted in rule #6. The uncle that inspired rules 2-5 is still, and will probably always be, a worthless douche.
-
Thanks for the feedback guys. For the record: my wife thanked me for moving her relative as noted in rule #9 above, and the relative in question thanked all involved with large amounts of barbecued tri-tip sandwich as noted in rule #6. The uncle that inspired rules 2-5 is still, and will probably always be, a worthless douche.
Dear Nate -
After helping someone move their shit, it is easy to remember that statistically, 99.4% of all professional moving guys fall into one or more of the following categories:
1) Ex-con
2) Retarded half-wit
3) Unemployed drywaller
4) Recently terminated circus laborer
5) Unmotivated former Wal-Mart employee
Stick with your day job.
-
My Views On Racism
Frankly, I am not a racist.
I dominate everyone equally, no matter what their race may be.
However, I especially loathe racist people who cry about other people being racist, and you know what I mean.
You may have heard about the incident in Boston in which Henry Gates got arrested for acting like a douche.
As an example, arresting Professor Gates was "Not Racist."
If I had been the arresting officer, I'd have probably even shot him in the neck with my Tazer gun before I cuffed him.
Then you also might have heard a follow up story in which another police officer referred to Gates as a "banana eating jungle monkey".
Um..."Racist".
And by the way, the fact that you apologize for some dumb shit that you said doesn't mean that you're not a complete tool.
It probably just means that you're a loser who happened to get caught saying something dumb.
Anyway, remember the old commercial in which that Indian chief was sitting on his horse above the freeway, crying because of all the litter...?
That shit was racist.
First of all, no real Indian would cry over that shit.
A real Indian would have rode down there and scalped some commuters.
Even seeing that commercial when I was 6 years old, I always thought that the Chief was a pussy.
Anyway, it was also racist because it had an Indian in it.
It's simple - If you want me to stop throwing my shit out the window, just say so.
I will probably stop doing it - Not because I'm scared of you or anything, but because littering is not cool.
But why the fuck would you think that I would stop littering just because it makes Indians cry...?
First of all, any Indian chief that cries because I chucked my Big Gulp out the fucking window is a homo.
Chief Boo Hoo.
And second of all, littering is for fags and no one should do it.
So to correlate, if I'm a police officer and your neighbor calls to say that someone is breaking into your house, I'm going to show up and kick ass.
I don't care whether you're black, white, red, or somewhere in between - No one should bust into your crib.
I swear, it's sad to think that we've gotten to the point where two educated dudes can't hash some shit out on their own without creating a national smackdown.
And now they're both going to the White House to toss a couple of brews back with the President, so that Obama can use this as a "teachable moment"...?
What is he now, the dad from Little House On The Prarie or some shit...?
Christ, I'm pissed.
Let me clear my head a little and break this shit down for you in something other than a rant:
1. Don't Be Racist. It's unbecoming and it's also likely to get your face punched in.
2. Prevent Racism. You can do this by punching people in the face when they act all racist.
3. Don't Litter. Littering is gay and so are you if you're too lazy to throw your shit in the trash.
4. Don't Whine Like A Bitch. Whether you're an Indian or not, stop your fucking crying.
-
My Views On Racism
Frankly, I am not a racist.
I dominate everyone equally, no matter what their race may be.
However, I especially loathe racist people who cry about other people being racist, and you know what I mean.
You may have heard about the incident in Boston in which Henry Gates got arrested for acting like a douche.
As an example, arresting Professor Gates was "Not Racist."
If I had been the arresting officer, I'd have probably even shot him in the neck with my Tazer gun before I cuffed him.
Then you also might have heard a follow up story in which another police officer referred to Gates as a "banana eating jungle monkey".
Um..."Racist".
And by the way, the fact that you apologize for some dumb shit that you said doesn't mean that you're not a complete tool.
It probably just means that you're a loser who happened to get caught saying something dumb.
Anyway, remember the old commercial in which that Indian chief was sitting on his horse above the freeway, crying because of all the litter...?
That shit was racist.
First of all, no real Indian would cry over that shit.
A real Indian would have rode down there and scalped some commuters.
Even seeing that commercial when I was 6 years old, I always thought that the Chief was a pussy.
Anyway, it was also racist because it had an Indian in it.
It's simple - If you want me to stop throwing my shit out the window, just say so.
I will probably stop doing it - Not because I'm scared of you or anything, but because littering is not cool.
But why the fuck would you think that I would stop littering just because it makes Indians cry...?
First of all, any Indian chief that cries because I chucked my Big Gulp out the fucking window is a homo.
Chief Boo Hoo.
And second of all, littering is for fags and no one should do it.
So to correlate, if I'm a police officer and your neighbor calls to say that someone is breaking into your house, I'm going to show up and kick ass.
I don't care whether you're black, white, red, or somewhere in between - No one should bust into your crib.
I swear, it's sad to think that we've gotten to the point where two educated dudes can't hash some shit out on their own without creating a national smackdown.
And now they're both going to the White House to toss a couple of brews back with the President, so that Obama can use this as a "teachable moment"...?
What is he now, the dad from Little House On The Prarie or some shit...?
Christ, I'm pissed.
Let me clear my head a little and break this shit down for you in something other than a rant:
1. Don't Be Racist. It's unbecoming and it's also likely to get your face punched in.
2. Prevent Racism. You can do this by punching people in the face when they act all racist.
3. Don't Litter. Littering is gay and so are you if you're too lazy to throw your shit in the trash.
4. Don't Whine Like A Bitch. Whether you're an Indian or not, stop your fucking crying.
Clearly, you should be compensated for your talents.
OUTSTANDING.
-
In reference to:
Chief Boo Hoo
and followed byif I'm a police officer and your neighbor calls to say that someone is breaking into your house, I'm going to show up and kick ass.
what if you just went over and told the criminal piece of shit if they didn't stop breaking in and taking other peoples' shit it will make indians cry? This could have derailed the whole Gates incident, balling fucking alcoholics on horseback.
-
Holy shit, Steve...excellent. HA! Still laughing at "A real Indian would have rode down there..."
HAAA!! Seriously... picturing it...
The Indian is riding along on his proud white horse, making his way to the megaplex to see "The Ugly Truth," and happens to peer down from the overpass. He stops whistling as his gaze focuses on the McDonald's bags, napkins and coffee cups strewn about the freeway. Flustered and angry, he knocks his heels into the mare's ribs and takes off down the embankment toward the highway, his cell phone in one hand and hatchet in the other........
-
Genius...sheer Genius
Brian
-
I say we stage a coup and get SWJ in the White House!!! Tonight, we revolt!!!
-
A Brief Reflection On The Douche
I'm fascinated by the douche.
So much fascination have I, that I looked up some shit about douches.
Here is some of the vaginal propaganda that I found, and I'm not making this shit up.
"...The depth of the Summer's Eve® product line has options for every woman, whether she wants a daily freshening routine or just occasional odor protection. Summer's Eve® can fit even the busiest lifestyle with on-the-go options, perfect for gym bags or purses, so every woman can enjoy a fresh, clean feeling all day, every day..."
Now first of all, a "daily freshening routine" to me means that you chew some fucking Juicy Fruit.
Or that you rub some SpeedStick on your shirt before going to your wedding ceremony.
It does not mean that you pour the equivalent of a 32oz Big Gulp in your cake hole.
That's gross.
And second of all, even if a bitch needs to hose out her shit, is it really that important that she be able to do it "on-the-go"...?
What the fuck does that mean anyway...?
On an escalator...? Waiting in line at Starbucks...? In Coach on an airplane...?
My opinion = Douching and "on-the-go" should have nothing to do with each other.
Here's another excerpt regarding the care of your honeypot -
"...Summer's Eve® products also are professionally tested to ensure their safety so a woman shouldn't worry that our products will cause irritation or harsh reactions..."
Hold the fuck on.
Professionally tested...? Can you imagine working at that crab lab...?
ME: Hey.
YOU: What...?
ME: That licorice douche you came up with...?
YOU: Yeah, what about it...?
ME: We had it professionally tested.
YOU: So...?
ME: Box #1 swelled up a little.
YOU: So what...?
ME: By "a little" I mean that the shit looks like the Lincoln Tunnel with hair on it.
YOU: Dang.
And how do you get the job of "professional douche tester" anyway...?
The CEO of Massengill get a whiff of your fly-blown cakehole at the local grocery store or some shit...?
"Excuse me madam, but holy mother of god, your pie stinks. We could really use a cooch like yours down at the lab."
Plus, this whole business of douchery is simply not fair to dudes.
Try entering "my balls stink" or even "my crotch is rank" into your Google search bar.
Nothing, right?
There's no comparable product for a dude whose gootch smells like a trash fire.
And even if there was, no self-respecting dude would buy it.
A real man would just smear SpeedStick on his shit.
Bitches need to just lighten up and have sex with us more often.
Anything that you keep closed up tight all the time is going to smell bad after a while.
-
I'm fascinated by the douche.
The CEO of Massengill get a whiff of your fly-blown cakehole at the local grocery store or some shit...?
"Excuse me madam, but holy mother of god, your pie stinks. We could really use a cooch like yours down at the lab."
'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup'
Oh dear Lord...
'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup'
Holy, fuck. I'm cryin....
'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup'
-
vaginal propaganda
That's gross.
And second of all, even if a bitch needs to hose out her shit, is it really that important that she be able to do it "on-the-go"...?
What the fuck does that mean anyway...?
On an escalator...? Waiting in line at Starbucks...? In Coach on an airplane...?
GLORIOUS!!! I'm going to use the term "vaginal propoganda" with my wife if she gives me any excuses tonight.
SWJ, why are you not famous for these fine narratives?
-
...whose gootch smells like a trash fire.
OMG, dood. *LOL*
You are my fucking soulmate. I want you in me, Steve.
-
Bitches need to just lighten up and have sex with us more often.
Anything that you keep closed up tight all the time is going to smell bad after a while.
'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup'
-
A Brief Reflection On The Douche
I'm fascinated by the douche.
So much fascination have I, that I looked up some shit about douches.
Here is some of the vaginal propaganda that I found, and I'm not making this shit up.
"...The depth of the Summer's Eve® product line has options for every woman, whether she wants a daily freshening routine or just occasional odor protection. Summer's Eve® can fit even the busiest lifestyle with on-the-go options, perfect for gym bags or purses, so every woman can enjoy a fresh, clean feeling all day, every day..."
Now first of all, a "daily freshening routine" to me means that you chew some fucking Juicy Fruit.
Or that you rub some SpeedStick on your shirt before going to your wedding ceremony.
It does not mean that you pour the equivalent of a 32oz Big Gulp in your cake hole.
That's gross.
And second of all, even if a bitch needs to hose out her shit, is it really that important that she be able to do it "on-the-go"...?
What the fuck does that mean anyway...?
On an escalator...? Waiting in line at Starbucks...? In Coach on an airplane...?
My opinion = Douching and "on-the-go" should have nothing to do with each other.
Here's another excerpt regarding the care of your honeypot -
"...Summer's Eve® products also are professionally tested to ensure their safety so a woman shouldn't worry that our products will cause irritation or harsh reactions..."
Hold the fuck on.
Professionally tested...? Can you imagine working at that crab lab...?
ME: Hey.
YOU: What...?
ME: That licorice douche you came up with...?
YOU: Yeah, what about it...?
ME: We had it professionally tested.
YOU: So...?
ME: Box #1 swelled up a little.
YOU: So what...?
ME: By "a little" I mean that the shit looks like the Lincoln Tunnel with hair on it.
YOU: Dang.
And how do you get the job of "professional douche tester" anyway...?
The CEO of Massengill get a whiff of your fly-blown cakehole at the local grocery store or some shit...?
"Excuse me madam, but holy mother of god, your pie stinks. We could really use a cooch like yours down at the lab."
Plus, this whole business of douchery is simply not fair to dudes.
Try entering "my balls stink" or even "my crotch is rank" into your Google search bar.
Nothing, right?
There's no comparable product for a dude whose gootch smells like a trash fire.
And even if there was, no self-respecting dude would buy it.
A real man would just smear SpeedStick on his shit.
Bitches need to just lighten up and have sex with us more often.
Anything that you keep closed up tight all the time is going to smell bad after a while.
Steve, serious. is there an open mike night somewhere near your house? don't be a pussy.
-
A Brief Reflection On The Douche
I'm fascinated by the douche.
So much fascination have I, that I looked up some shit about douches.
Here is some of the vaginal propaganda that I found, and I'm not making this shit up.
"...The depth of the Summer's Eve® product line has options for every woman, whether she wants a daily freshening routine or just occasional odor protection. Summer's Eve® can fit even the busiest lifestyle with on-the-go options, perfect for gym bags or purses, so every woman can enjoy a fresh, clean feeling all day, every day..."
Now first of all, a "daily freshening routine" to me means that you chew some fucking Juicy Fruit.
Or that you rub some SpeedStick on your shirt before going to your wedding ceremony.
It does not mean that you pour the equivalent of a 32oz Big Gulp in your cake hole.
That's gross.
And second of all, even if a bitch needs to hose out her shit, is it really that important that she be able to do it "on-the-go"...?
What the fuck does that mean anyway...?
On an escalator...? Waiting in line at Starbucks...? In Coach on an airplane...?
My opinion = Douching and "on-the-go" should have nothing to do with each other.
Here's another excerpt regarding the care of your honeypot -
"...Summer's Eve® products also are professionally tested to ensure their safety so a woman shouldn't worry that our products will cause irritation or harsh reactions..."
Hold the fuck on.
Professionally tested...? Can you imagine working at that crab lab...?
ME:Â Hey.
YOU:Â What...?
ME:Â That licorice douche you came up with...?
YOU:Â Yeah, what about it...?
ME:Â We had it professionally tested.
YOU:Â So...?
ME:Â Box #1 swelled up a little.
YOU:Â So what...?
ME:Â By "a little" I mean that the shit looks like the Lincoln Tunnel with hair on it.
YOU:Â Dang.
And how do you get the job of "professional douche tester" anyway...?
The CEO of Massengill get a whiff of your fly-blown cakehole at the local grocery store or some shit...?
"Excuse me madam, but holy mother of god, your pie stinks. We could really use a cooch like yours down at the lab."
Plus, this whole business of douchery is simply not fair to dudes.
Try entering "my balls stink" or even "my crotch is rank" into your Google search bar.
Nothing, right?
There's no comparable product for a dude whose gootch smells like a trash fire.
And even if there was, no self-respecting dude would buy it.
A real man would just smear SpeedStick on his shit.
Bitches need to just lighten up and have sex with us more often.
Anything that you keep closed up tight all the time is going to smell bad after a while.
Steve, serious. is there an open mike night somewhere near your house? don't be a pussy.
'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup'
-
Killing Weeds Kicking Ass
Yesterday, I was getting ready to kill some weeds.
It might come as no surprise to you that I don't kill weeds like a pussy.
None of that pluck-them-out-of-the-ground-one-by-one shit.
No thank you.
I prefer the weedocide method of spraying the weed and every living thing around it with a Napalm carcinogen.
I kill weeds like I do everything else.
I kick ass.
However, not wanting to kill the other shit around my weeds, I was trying to figure out if the stuff I was going to hit them with was going to decimate my grass.
Then, the epiphany.
My neighbor has some of the same weeds - I could just spray his shit and see how much of it died.
So, I was mixing up four gallons of liquid death when my wife came out into the garage.
HER: What are you doing...?
ME:
HER: Hey.
ME: What...?
HER: I said, what are you doing...?
ME: An experiment.
HER: What kind of experiment...? What are you talking about...?
ME: Don't worry about it.
HER: Don't you spray that stuff on the neighbor's lawn.
So, while in my mind, I drop kicked her in the face for bossing me around, I actually lied.
I told her that I would never do anything like that and asked her what kind of insensitive clod she took me for.
Then, when she went back inside, I went over and sprayed my neighbor's flowerbed.
This morning, I went to see how much of his shit had wrinkled up and died, and he came out of his garage and tried to bust me.
DOUCHE NEIGHBOR: Hey there, neighbor! Top o' the morning to you!
ME:
DOUCHE NEIGHBOR: Whatcha doin there...?
ME: Seeing what happens when I spray weed killer on your flower beds.
DOUCHE NEIGHBOR: Hahahaha...!
And that's how you handle shit.
-
Killing Weeds Kicking Ass
Yesterday, I was getting ready to kill some weeds.
It might come as no surprise to you that I don't kill weeds like a pussy.
None of that pluck-them-out-of-the-ground-one-by-one shit.
No thank you.
I prefer the weedocide method of spraying the weed and every living thing around it with a Napalm carcinogen.
I kill weeds like I do everything else.
I kick ass.
However, not wanting to kill the other shit around my weeds, I was trying to figure out if the stuff I was going to hit them with was going to decimate my grass.
Then, the epiphany.
My neighbor has some of the same weeds - I could just spray his shit and see how much of it died.
So, I was mixing up four gallons of liquid death when my wife came out into the garage.
HER: What are you doing...?
ME:
HER: Hey.
ME: What...?
HER: I said, what are you doing...?
ME: An experiment.
HER: What kind of experiment...? What are you talking about...?
ME: Don't worry about it.
HER: Don't you spray that stuff on the neighbor's lawn.
So, while in my mind, I drop kicked her in the face for bossing me around, I actually lied.
I told her that I would never do anything like that and asked her what kind of insensitive clod she took me for.
Then, when she went back inside, I went over and sprayed my neighbor's flowerbed.
This morning, I went to see how much of his shit had wrinkled up and died, and he came out of his garage and tried to bust me.
DOUCHE NEIGHBOR: Hey there, neighbor! Top o' the morning to you!
ME:
DOUCHE NEIGHBOR: Whatcha doin there...?
ME: Seeing what happens when I spray weed killer on your flower beds.
DOUCHE NEIGHBOR: Hahahaha...!
And that's how you handle shit.
Well played sir!
Of course if asked for my opinion I would have said kill it with fire!
-
HER: What are you doing...?
ME:
HER: Hey.
ME: What...?
HER: I said, what are you doing...?
I laughed out loud, this is how conversations in my garage start too. I'm with Dean, I want you in him.
-
Air Travel Is Weird
Being a flight attendant has got to be one of the weirdest jobs in the world.
The very first thing that you do each day when you greet a new customer is explain to him how he might get his shit wrecked in midair.
Imagine if waitresses did that.
WAITRESS: Welcome to TGI Friday's, my name is Melanie, and I'll be your server today.
ME: Hey.
WAITRESS: Would you like to hear about what you should do if the roof catches fire and caves in on you while you're eating...?
That would be unsettling.
And it used to be that dudes were not allowed to be flight attendants, because that would have been gay.
Ironically, these days it's still really gay to be a male flight attendant, but it's allowed.
Well I don't like it.
On my flight the other day, my stewardess looked like this. (http://blogs.creativeloafing.com/freshloaf/files/2008/02/web-fall_profile_43.jpg)
(And by the way, the stewardess is the one on the right.)
Do you know how many $4 cans of in-flight Pringles I would buy if my stewardess looked like this (http://www.comicbookmovie.com/images/users/uploads/10300/sophie-howard-air-stewardess.jpg)...?
Plus, they have all these weird rules on airplanes these days.
The last flight I was on, they actually suggested that, if the plane were to catch on fire at 30,000 feet and plummet into the ocean, that I should locate the nearest infant and strap a seat cushion to its back.
For safety.
Let me help you out, bitches.
#1: I don't own an infant.
#2: If you do own one, good for you.
#3: But if our plane goes down, I will dominate your infant to make sure I get out first.
If I had my own airline, it would rule.
Here's what added value I would bring to the airline industry...
1. Crowd Control
I would have bouncers on the plane.
If your shit got out of hand, they would muckle on to you and throw your dumb ass out.
Literally.
And the people behaving themselves would clap and cheer.
2. Customer Incentives
If people wanted, they could get free tickets on my airplanes.
If you can do some awesome in-flight magic tricks that involve fire and sawing things in half...?
Free ticket.
If you're a hot bitch who doesn't mind taking her top off and frolicking around the cabin...?
Free ticket.
Whether it's magic tricks or titties, everybody wins.
3. Cuisine
My planes would fit fewer people because I'd have to leave room for the kitchen.
None of this peanuts and crap like that.
I'd serve pizza, hot wings, Doritos, and stuff like that.
And by the way, why isn't there anyone in the airline industry that recognizes that Doritos are the shizzle...?
4. Gate Service
You know those secret doors in airports that lead to the "Admiral's Club" or some other whacked out club that you're never allowed into...?
Mine would be at the gate and it wouldn't have a door on it.
We'd have kegs and college chicks and loud music and everything.
Those bitches at the adjoining gates would be jealous and would quit their jobs to come party with us.
My airline would dominate.
Anyway, at least until someone can come up with an airline that kicks ass, they could at least raise the standards for ugly, ill-tempered stewardesses...
-
"If you can do some awesome in-flight magic tricks that involve fire and sawing things in half...?
Free ticket."
Come on now, show me one Magician that does not look like a pederast!
David Copperfield, David Blaine, Chriss Angel......all look like they would own a few too many hamsters and used paper towel rolls. Not cool.
If you must have entertainment over and above the titties, go with midget ninjas. That is all!
-
Come on now, show me one Magician that does not look like a pederast!
Welcome, Jason.
In response, Lo Pan (http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_h_hC-rfiIhs/SSoeEQcZa9I/AAAAAAAAACE/ptGHtUBjBuQ/s400/Big_Trouble2.jpg) is a magician too.
So read the Lo Pan post on this page (http://forum.killthecan.org/index.php?showtopic=2349&st=165) and watch your mouth, bitch.
-
Come on now, show me one Magician that does not look like a pederast!
Welcome, Jason.
In response, Lo Pan (http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_h_hC-rfiIhs/SSoeEQcZa9I/AAAAAAAAACE/ptGHtUBjBuQ/s400/Big_Trouble2.jpg) is a magician too.
So read the Lo Pan post on this page (http://forum.killthecan.org/index.php?showtopic=2349&st=165) and watch your mouth, bitch.
For the record, Egg Shen got way more chicks than Lo Pan.
Why would you want to hang out with a gay magician who got a beat down by the star of Tango Cash?
All this aside, great posts. Laughing is a nice break from wanting to strangle people lately.
-
Come on now, show me one Magician that does not look like a pederast!
Welcome, Jason.
In response, Lo Pan (http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_h_hC-rfiIhs/SSoeEQcZa9I/AAAAAAAAACE/ptGHtUBjBuQ/s400/Big_Trouble2.jpg) is a magician too.
So read the Lo Pan post on this page (http://forum.killthecan.org/index.php?showtopic=2349&st=165) and watch your mouth, bitch.
For the record, Egg Shen got way more chicks than Lo Pan.
Why would you want to hang out with a gay magician who got a beat down by the star of Tango Cash?
All this aside, great posts. Laughing is a nice break from wanting to strangle people lately.
'Popcorn'
-
All this aside, great posts...
Because you included this wise nugget at the end of your otherwise retarded post, we will move on.
Lo Pan still rules because I say so.
Plus, you're taking away from my post below about airlines.
Knock it off.
-
Um...who, exactly, does Jason McBlabbermouth think he is? He's way, way out of line.
And Kurt Russell is a douche. In his portrayal of Wyatt Earp, Wyatt Earp got sad and caring and shit. That was crap. Kevin Costner's portrayal was accurate, and Jason McBlabbermouth is a blowjob.
-
Um...who, exactly, does Jason McBlabbermouth think he is? He's way, way out of line.
And Kurt Russell is a douche. In his portrayal of Wyatt Earp, Wyatt Earp got sad and caring and shit. That was crap. Kevin Costner's portrayal was accurate, and Jason McBlabbermouth is a blowjob.
Very sorry for stepping on your dicks guys
*slowly backs out of the room before the Dean of mean hikes up his tough guy pants and beats me like a baby seal*
-
Air Travel Is Weird
Being a flight attendant has got to be one of the weirdest jobs in the world.
The very first thing that you do each day when you greet a new customer is explain to him how he might get his shit wrecked in midair.
Imagine if waitresses did that.
WAITRESS: Welcome to TGI Friday's, my name is Melanie, and I'll be your server today.
ME: Hey.
WAITRESS: Would you like to hear about what you should do if the roof catches fire and caves in on you while you're eating...?
That would be unsettling.
And it used to be that dudes were not allowed to be flight attendants, because that would have been gay.
Ironically, these days it's still really gay to be a male flight attendant, but it's allowed.
Well I don't like it.
On my flight the other day, my stewardess looked like this. (http://blogs.creativeloafing.com/freshloaf/files/2008/02/web-fall_profile_43.jpg)
(And by the way, the stewardess is the one on the right.)
Do you know how many $4 cans of in-flight Pringles I would buy if my stewardess looked like this (http://www.comicbookmovie.com/images/users/uploads/10300/sophie-howard-air-stewardess.jpg)...?
Plus, they have all these weird rules on airplanes these days.
The last flight I was on, they actually suggested that, if the plane were to catch on fire at 30,000 feet and plummet into the ocean, that I should locate the nearest infant and strap a seat cushion to its back.
For safety.
Let me help you out, bitches.
#1: I don't own an infant.
#2: If you do own one, good for you.
#3: But if our plane goes down, I will dominate your infant to make sure I get out first.
If I had my own airline, it would rule.
Here's what added value I would bring to the airline industry...
1. Crowd Control
I would have bouncers on the plane.
If your shit got out of hand, they would muckle on to you and throw your dumb ass out.
Literally.
And the people behaving themselves would clap and cheer.
2. Customer Incentives
If people wanted, they could get free tickets on my airplanes.
If you can do some awesome in-flight magic tricks that involve fire and sawing things in half...?
Free ticket.
If you're a hot bitch who doesn't mind taking her top off and frolicking around the cabin...?
Free ticket.
Whether it's magic tricks or titties, everybody wins.
3. Cuisine
My planes would fit fewer people because I'd have to leave room for the kitchen.
None of this peanuts and crap like that.
I'd serve pizza, hot wings, Doritos, and stuff like that.
And by the way, why isn't there anyone in the airline industry that recognizes that Doritos are the shizzle...?
4. Gate Service
You know those secret doors in airports that lead to the "Admiral's Club" or some other whacked out club that you're never allowed into...?
Mine would be at the gate and it wouldn't have a door on it.
We'd have kegs and college chicks and loud music and everything.
Those bitches at the adjoining gates would be jealous and would quit their jobs to come party with us.
My airline would dominate.
Anyway, at least until someone can come up with an airline that kicks ass, they could at least raise the standards for ugly, ill-tempered stewardesses...
'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup'
can't wait for your next installment!
-
*slowly backs out of the room before the Dean of mean hikes up his tough guy pants and beats me like a baby seal*
I don't wear pants. But I do like giving a seal a facial.
-
*slowly backs out of the room before the Dean of mean hikes up his tough guy pants and beats me like a baby seal*
I don't wear pants. But I do like giving a seal a facial.
I heard that about you........sinner!
-
Air Travel Is Weird
Being a flight attendant has got to be one of the weirdest jobs in the world.
The very first thing that you do each day when you greet a new customer is explain to him how he might get his shit wrecked in midair.
Imagine if waitresses did that.
WAITRESS:Â Welcome to TGI Friday's, my name is Melanie, and I'll be your server today.
ME:Â Hey.
WAITRESS:Â Would you like to hear about what you should do if the roof catches fire and caves in on you while you're eating...?
That would be unsettling.
And it used to be that dudes were not allowed to be flight attendants, because that would have been gay.
Ironically, these days it's still really gay to be a male flight attendant, but it's allowed.
Well I don't like it.
On my flight the other day, my stewardess looked like this. (http://blogs.creativeloafing.com/freshloaf/files/2008/02/web-fall_profile_43.jpg)
(And by the way, the stewardess is the one on the right.)
Do you know how many $4 cans of in-flight Pringles I would buy if my stewardess looked like this (http://www.comicbookmovie.com/images/users/uploads/10300/sophie-howard-air-stewardess.jpg)...?
Plus, they have all these weird rules on airplanes these days.
The last flight I was on, they actually suggested that, if the plane were to catch on fire at 30,000 feet and plummet into the ocean, that I should locate the nearest infant and strap a seat cushion to its back.
For safety.
Let me help you out, bitches.
#1:Â I don't own an infant.
#2:Â If you do own one, good for you.
#3:Â But if our plane goes down, I will dominate your infant to make sure I get out first.
If I had my own airline, it would rule.
Here's what added value I would bring to the airline industry...
1. Crowd Control
I would have bouncers on the plane.
If your shit got out of hand, they would muckle on to you and throw your dumb ass out.
Literally.
And the people behaving themselves would clap and cheer.
2. Customer Incentives
If people wanted, they could get free tickets on my airplanes.
If you can do some awesome in-flight magic tricks that involve fire and sawing things in half...?
Free ticket.
If you're a hot bitch who doesn't mind taking her top off and frolicking around the cabin...?
Free ticket.
Whether it's magic tricks or titties, everybody wins.
3. Cuisine
My planes would fit fewer people because I'd have to leave room for the kitchen.
None of this peanuts and crap like that.
I'd serve pizza, hot wings, Doritos, and stuff like that.
And by the way, why isn't there anyone in the airline industry that recognizes that Doritos are the shizzle...?
4. Gate Service
You know those secret doors in airports that lead to the "Admiral's Club" or some other whacked out club that you're never allowed into...?
Mine would be at the gate and it wouldn't have a door on it.
We'd have kegs and college chicks and loud music and everything.
Those bitches at the adjoining gates would be jealous and would quit their jobs to come party with us.
My airline would dominate.
Anyway, at least until someone can come up with an airline that kicks ass, they could at least raise the standards for ugly, ill-tempered stewardesses...
'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup'
can't wait for your next installment!
Fuck the next installment, I want him to open his airline for business.
Get this shit rolling while I still have a job that requires business travel.
Can you imagine flying over to Iraq on his ariline??? Or flying back after a 13-15 month tour??? Fucking A bubba!!!
-
A Letter To A Studio Photographer From A Four Year Old
Dear Studio Photographer Guy,
If I could get a wish from the Make-A-Wish Foundation, it would not be for me to go to Disney World.
I would wish for the chance to strangle the shit out of you.
Before doing so however, I would have some topics to discuss.
First, did you really read the fucking job application for this place before you filled it out...?
I checked and here is an excerpt from a job posting for a studio photographer at Target:
"...has high energy, and enjoys working and playing with children all day..."
Did you get that last part...?
You're fucking kidding me, right...?
That's a job description that you might see on an application for NAMBLA membership, you homo.
And can you not afford some new stuffed animals to distract me with...?
That stuffed elephant looks like an elephant sat on it, your stuffed clown looks like its been chewed on, and I don't even know what the fuck that other thing is, to be honest.
There are boogers stuck to almost everything and you keep waving that shit around in the air like a retard.
Guess what.
I'm only smiling to keep from vomiting all over this nappy carpet remnant that you put me on.
And where the fuck do you get these stupid backdrops anyway...?
Any idiot who looks at my photograph will know that I wasn't really on Mars when you took the picture, dumbass.
It doesn't even look like Mars anyway with that cartoon rocket ship in the background.
And is there a book somewhere of suggested retarded sayings for you to recite...?
Saying "Daddy has stinky feet" is not going to make me laugh.
Partly because it's not at all funny.
But mostly because my dad is going to be fucking pissed when he hears that you wanted me to say that about his feet.
There's nothing funny about saying "pickle", "clown-face", "marshmallow", or "boogedy-boogedy-boo" either.
You're an idiot.
In all my four years, I have never seen a more depressing, life-sucking career than yours.
My mom thinks you're creepy, I think you stink, yet you appear ever-convinced of your own cleverness.
You tilting my head to the side doesn't make me look cute or endearing.
It makes me look like I'm wondering whether or not I just shit my pants.
You probably got fired from Chuck E. Cheese because an outstanding organization like that wouldn't put up with your prancing faggotry.
In fact, if I could get down from this perch by myself, I would come over there and punch you in the balls.
In the meantime though, rest easy in the knowledge that even a four year old knows you're a douche.
Put that in your camera.
-
Shit, I just spent an hour reading your fucking introduction page. Time to do something productive with my day, like wreck some shit and punish general faggotry.
-
A Letter To A Photographer From A Four Year Old
Dear Studio Photographer Guy,
If I could get a wish from the Make-A-Wish Foundation, it would not be for me to go to Disney World.
I would wish for the chance to strangle the shit out of you.
Before doing so however, I would have some topics to discuss.
First, did you really read the fucking job application for this place before you filled it out...?
I checked and here is an excerpt from a job posting for a studio photographer at Target:
"...has high energy, and enjoys working and playing with children all day..."
Did you get that last part...?
You're fucking kidding me, right...?
That's a job description that you might see on an application for NAMBLA membership, you homo.
And can you not afford some new stuffed animals to distract me with...?
That stuffed elephant looks like an elephant sat on it, your stuffed clown looks like its been chewed on, and I don't even know what the fuck that other thing is, to be honest.
There are boogers stuck to almost everything and you keep waving that shit around in the air like a retard.
Guess what.
I'm only smiling to keep from vomiting all over this nappy carpet remnant that you put me on.
And where the fuck do you get these stupid backdrops anyway...?
Any idiot who looks at my photograph will know that I wasn't really on Mars when you took the picture, dumbass.
It doesn't even look like Mars anyway with that cartoon rocket ship in the background.
And is there a book somewhere of suggested retarded sayings for you to recite...?
Saying "Daddy has stinky feet" is not going to make me laugh.
Partly because it's not at all funny.
But mostly because my dad is going to be fucking pissed when he hears that you wanted me to say that about his feet.
There's nothing funny about saying "pickle", "clown-face", "marshmallow", or "boogedy-boogedy-boo" either.
You're an idiot.
In all my short years, I have never seen a more depressing, life-sucking career than yours.
My mom thinks you're creepy, I think you stink, yet you appear ever-convinced of your own cleverness.
You tilting my head to the side doesn't make me look cute or endearing.
It makes me look like I'm wondering whether or not I just shit my pants.
You probably got fired from Chuck E. Cheese because an outstanding organization like that wouldn't put up with your prancing faggotry.
In fact, if I were taller I would get down from this stool and totally wreck your shit.
Until then though, rest easy in the knowledge that even a four year old knows you're a douche.
Put that in your camera.
Thats freakin' awesome... I knew there was a reason to keep coming back in here.
-
Thats freakin' awesome... I knew there was a reason to keep coming back in here.
Every four year old wants to write a letter like this one, Colonel.
They don't though, because they can't spell.
Now perhaps they have found their voice...
-
Thats freakin' awesome... I knew there was a reason to keep coming back in here.
Every four year old wants to write a letter like this one, Colonel.
They don't though, because they can't spell.
Now perhaps they have found their voice...
Right, SWJ has found a new calling.
You are now a child welfare advocate. Kindergarten teachers and daycare centers will fall before you. Evil babysitters will be stomped into mulch Instead of Lopan and meat, it will be the Wiggles and PBJ sandwiches cut into the shape of hearts and smileys. SWJ used to be so badass he once ate a entire cake before we had the chance to tell him it had a stripper in it. But I guess those days are over 'winker' Tomorrows installment will probably be on why huggies waistbands give him a diaper rash.
SM
-
'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup'
-
Right, SWJ has found a new calling.
You are now a child welfare advocate. Kindergarten teachers and daycare centers will fall before you. Evil babysitters will be stomped into mulch Instead of Lopan and meat, it will be the Wiggles and PBJ sandwiches cut into the shape of hearts and smileys. SWJ used to be so badass he once ate a entire cake before we had the chance to tell him it had a stripper in it. But I guess those days are over 'winker' Tomorrows installment will probably be on why huggies waistbands give him a diaper rash.
To clear the air surrounding the philanthropic benevolence enveloping my last rant:
1. Stop using Lo Pan's name in vain.
2. I wipe my ass with The Wiggles.
3. Peanut butter and jelly rocks.
4. Calling it PBJ is G-A-Y.
5. My badassery is never ending and will last for all eternity.
6. Huggies don't give me diaper rash. They are actually quite comfortable.
-
Who in the Christ are The Wiggles?
More importantly, have any of The Wiggles done internal-cumshot scenes?
-
funny, funny shit SWJ.
-
My New Avatar
I think that a person's avatar should closely express who that person is.
Dean's avatar, for example, shows him feeding a small child to a billy goat, which is totally in character for Dean.
It may come as no surprise to some of you that Dean's original avatar, depicting him dominating the same billy goat, was shit-canned by the moderators.
My new avatar says the following things about me -
1. I like to party.
2. Bitches dig me.
3. I can fit exactly $42 worth of pocket change in my 'fro.
4. While I am sensitive in spirit, my kung fu skills are still the shit.
5. My very aura reeks of high-octane testosterone.
Check it out.
-
My New Avatar
I think that a person's avatar should closely express who that person is.
Dean's avatar, for example, shows him feeding a small child to a billy goat, which is totally in character for Dean.
It may come as no surprise to some of you that Dean's original avatar, depicting him dominating the same billy goat, was shit-canned by the moderators.
My new avatar says the following things about me -
1. I like to party.
2. Bitches dig me.
3. I can fit exactly $42 worth of pocket change in my 'fro.
4. While I am sensitive in spirit, my kung fu skills are still the shit.
5. My very aura reeks of high-octane testosterone.
Check it out.
Holy sweet merciful crap... now thats a fro.
One must sport bell-bottoms big enough to hide a car to go with a fro like this.
-
Who in the Christ are The Wiggles?
More importantly, have any of The Wiggles done internal-cumshot scenes?
The Wiggles are crack for a 2 year old...
You'll see...
-
...shows him feeding a small child to a billy goat
HAAAA! Holy freak.
-
My New Avatar
I think that a person's avatar should closely express who that person is.
Dean's avatar, for example, shows him feeding a small child to a billy goat, which is totally in character for Dean.
It may come as no surprise to some of you that Dean's original avatar, depicting him dominating the same billy goat, was shit-canned by the moderators.
My new avatar says the following things about me -
1. I like to party.
2. Bitches dig me.
3. I can fit exactly $42 worth of pocket change in my 'fro.
4. While I am sensitive in spirit, my kung fu skills are still the shit.
5. My very aura reeks of high-octane testosterone.
Check it out.
What does my avatar say?? Maybe I should change it? :)
Thanks for all of the laughs. Your intro's been like watching all of the past episodes of "Rescue Me" at once. Sadly, now I'm caught up, having to wait for the next episode.
-
Jello Is The Best Food In The World
I have come to the realization that my favorite fruit is Jello.
My favorite flavor is Red Jello, and there are about a million ways that Jello kicks ass.
#1 Simplicity.
Jello is made from exactly five ingredients.
Gelatin, water, sugar, coloring, and awesomeness.
The only other food group with this kind of sublime simplicity is beef jerky, which contains only two ingredients -
Beef and awesomeness.
Come to think of it, I would be a big fan of Beef Jerky Jello.
#2 Variety.
Jello comes in exactly 28 flavors, so that makes 28 an awesome number.
Some of the flavors probably taste like crap, but it's still pretty cool that there are so many.
Personally, I don't think there really need to be any more than four or five, but Jello scientists are the shit.
General Mills only has two high school bags working to come up with something like three lame varieties of Cheerios.
The Jello dudes rock the flavors though.
They probably smoke cigarettes and look at porn at work to motivate their creativity.
#3 Versatility.
Jello can do anything.
Jello is the smartest, most versatile food in the world.
If you're supposed to bring a fruit dish to a potluck, you can bring Jello.
If you're told to bring dessert, you can bring Jello.
Asked to bring a salad...? Make Jello and throw some celery in it.
It doesn't really taste that good, but it's awesome to look at with that shit floating around in it.
Think about it -
Step 1 - Take a box the size of a pack of cigarettes, that appears to be filled with colored baby powder.
Step 2 - Add some water and chuck some debris in there.
Step 3 - Shove it in the fridge.
Poof.
Out comes a mind-blowing concoction of see-through goodness, with pieces of crap suspended in there.
It's like an edible magic trick.
Personally, I can only think of one or two things I'd rather eat than Jello...
-
I Had A Gerbil
I had this gerbil once named Bear.
Bear was a black gerbil - Like all gangster and shit.
And he was huge. He probably weighed like a pound or something.
I only ever had one gerbil because if I had gotten another one and put him in the cage with Bear, he would have made the other gerbil his bitch.
Bear was nasty.
He even got out one time and the cat didn't even eat him.
Bear apparently schooled the cat on how he would get his shit stomped if he tried chewing on him, because the next day I found Bear, safe and sound, sleeping in an old box of Star Wars toys.
Anyway, Bear got wicked old. I think I had this fucking gerbil for like 10 years and I'm pretty sure that's like 102 in people years or something.
And he just got fatter and meaner.
Plus I got tired of taking care of his ass.
So I decided to let him go. Outside.
I took him outside and put him down right next to the wood line.
Bear waddled off into the woods, and I felt sure that some owl was going to be able to eat for a week once he peeped that fat fuck wandering around.
I slept like a baby that night.
The next morning I woke up and went into the kitchen to make coffee.
When I looked out the window, and I swear I'm not making this up, that fat bastard was sitting on a rock with a chipmunk.
Staring at me.
You little turd, I thought. Went out and pimped a chipmunk and brought her back here so you could both give me the stink eye.
Fuck you, Bear, I told him through the window, and gave him the stink eye right back.
He didn't scare me.
Well, that little fucker showed up every day after that with his chipmunk bitch.
Every morning I'd have to look out there and see their dumb asses sitting on that rock, laughing together and eating deer shit.
One morning, about a week later, I looked out the window and Bear was sitting by himself on the steps to the back door.
And he didn't look so good.
He was kind of staring off into space and his whiskers were all scraggled.
He looked like a little firecracker had gone off in his fat face.
I taunted him about his little chipmunk friend having left him for a squirrel.
Then I decided then to give him a pick-me-up by peeing on him.
That'll scare him off, I thought because animals generally don't like to get peed on.
So I let fly with a morning squirt that would have knocked over a small child.
I even shot it up in the air first so that it would come down on his head with more force.
That stupid gerbil just sat there and let me pee on his head. Never moved.
And instead of thinking about what a rotten thing it is to pee on someone, I thought to myself, That gerbil is really fucked up.
So there we stood.
Me with my stuff out and Bear sitting on the step with a little bald spot on the top of his head where my pee had parted his hair.
Whiskers all gnarled up and dripping - Pathetic.
So I got an oven mitt out of the kitchen and scooped him up.
I felt a little bit bad about what I had done to him but he stunk so I didn't worry about it too much.
The two of us walked together into the woods, said our goodbyes, and I dropped him down a hole next to a maple tree.
Fuck him.
I hate gerbils.
-
I Had A Gerbil
I had this gerbil once named Bear.
Bear was a black gerbil - Like all gangster and shit.
And he was huge. He probably weighed like a pound or something.
I only ever had one gerbil because if I had gotten another one and put him in the cage with Bear, he would have made the other gerbil his bitch.
Bear was nasty.
He even got out one time and the cat didn't even eat him.
Bear apparently schooled the cat on how he would get his shit stomped if he tried chewing on him, because the next day I found Bear, safe and sound, sleeping in an old box of Star Wars toys.
Anyway, Bear got wicked old. I think I had this fucking gerbil for like 10 years and I'm pretty sure that's like 102 in people years or something.
And he just got fatter and meaner.
Plus I got tired of taking care of his ass.
So I decided to let him go. Outside.
I took him outside and put him down right next to the wood line.
Bear waddled off into the woods, and I felt sure that some owl was going to be able to eat for a week once he peeped that fat fuck wandering around.
I slept like a baby that night.
The next morning I woke up and went into the kitchen to make coffee.
When I looked out the window, and I swear I'm not making this up, that fat bastard was sitting on a rock with a chipmunk.
Staring at me.
You little turd, I thought. Went out and pimped a chipmunk and brought her back here so you could both give me the stink eye.
Fuck you, Bear, I told him through the window, and gave him the stink eye right back.
He didn't scare me.
Well, that little fucker showed up every day after that with his chipmunk bitch.
Every morning I'd have to look out there and see their dumb asses sitting on that rock, laughing together and eating deer shit.
One morning, about a week later, I looked out the window and Bear was sitting by himself on the steps to the back door.
And he didn't look so good.
He was kind of staring off into space and his whiskers were all scraggled.
He looked like a little firecracker had gone off in his fat face.
I taunted him about his little chipmunk friend having left him for a squirrel.
Then I decided then to give him a pick-me-up by peeing on him.
That'll scare him off, I thought because animals generally doesn't like to get peed on.
So I let fly with a morning squirt that would have knocked over a small child.
I even shot it up in the air first so that it would come down on his head with more force.
That stupid gerbil just sat there and let me pee on his head. Never moved.
And instead of thinking about what a rotten thing it is to pee on someone, I thought to myself, That gerbil is really fucked up.
So there we stood.
Me with my stuff out and Bear sitting on the step with a little bald spot on the top of his head where my pee had parted his hair.
Whiskers all gnarled up and dripping - Pathetic.
So I got an oven mitt out of the kitchen and scooped him up.
I felt a little bit bad about what I had done to him but he stunk so I didn't worry about it too much.
The two of us walked together into the woods, said our goodbyes, and I dropped him down a hole next to a maple tree.
Fuck him.
I hate gerbils.
SWJ: Win
Gerbil: Fail
-
I Had A Gerbil
I had this gerbil once named Bear.
Bear was a black gerbil - Like all gangster and shit.
And he was huge. He probably weighed like a pound or something.
I only ever had one gerbil because if I had gotten another one and put him in the cage with Bear, he would have made the other gerbil his bitch.
Bear was nasty.
He even got out one time and the cat didn't even eat him.
Bear apparently schooled the cat on how he would get his shit stomped if he tried chewing on him, because the next day I found Bear, safe and sound, sleeping in an old box of Star Wars toys.
Anyway, Bear got wicked old. I think I had this fucking gerbil for like 10 years and I'm pretty sure that's like 102 in people years or something.
And he just got fatter and meaner.
Plus I got tired of taking care of his ass.
So I decided to let him go. Outside.
I took him outside and put him down right next to the wood line.Â
Bear waddled off into the woods, and I felt sure that some owl was going to be able to eat for a week once he peeped that fat fuck wandering around.
I slept like a baby that night.
The next morning I woke up and went into the kitchen to make coffee.
When I looked out the window, and I swear I'm not making this up, that fat bastard was sitting on a rock with a chipmunk.
Staring at me.
You little turd, I thought. Went out and pimped a chipmunk and brought her back here so you could both give me the stink eye.
Fuck you, Bear, I told him through the window, and gave him the stink eye right back.
He didn't scare me.
Well, that little fucker showed up every day after that with his chipmunk bitch.
Every morning I'd have to look out there and see their dumb asses sitting on that rock, laughing together and eating deer shit.
One morning, about a week later, I looked out the window and Bear was sitting by himself on the steps to the back door.
And he didn't look so good.
He was kind of staring off into space and his whiskers were all scraggled.
He looked like a little firecracker had gone off in his fat face.
I taunted him about his little chipmunk friend having left him for a squirrel.
Then I decided then to give him a pick-me-up by peeing on him.
That'll scare him off, I thought because animals generally doesn't like to get peed on.
So I let fly with a morning squirt that would have knocked over a small child.
I even shot it up in the air first so that it would come down on his head with more force.
That stupid gerbil just sat there and let me pee on his head. Never moved.
And instead of thinking about what a rotten thing it is to pee on someone, I thought to myself, That gerbil is really fucked up.
So there we stood.
Me with my stuff out and Bear sitting on the step with a little bald spot on the top of his head where my pee had parted his hair.
Whiskers all gnarled up and dripping - Pathetic.
So I got an oven mitt out of the kitchen and scooped him up.
I felt a little bit bad about what I had done to him but he stunk so I didn't worry about it too much.
The two of us walked together into the woods, said our goodbyes, and I dropped him down a hole next to a maple tree.
Fuck him.
I hate gerbils.
SWJ: Win
Gerbil: Fail
OMG. 'crackup'
-
I Had A Gerbil
I had this gerbil once named Bear.
Bear was a black gerbil - Like all gangster and shit.
And he was huge. He probably weighed like a pound or something.
I only ever had one gerbil because if I had gotten another one and put him in the cage with Bear, he would have made the other gerbil his bitch.
Bear was nasty.
He even got out one time and the cat didn't even eat him.
Bear apparently schooled the cat on how he would get his shit stomped if he tried chewing on him, because the next day I found Bear, safe and sound, sleeping in an old box of Star Wars toys.
Anyway, Bear got wicked old. I think I had this fucking gerbil for like 10 years and I'm pretty sure that's like 102 in people years or something.
And he just got fatter and meaner.
Plus I got tired of taking care of his ass.
So I decided to let him go. Outside.
I took him outside and put him down right next to the wood line.Â
Bear waddled off into the woods, and I felt sure that some owl was going to be able to eat for a week once he peeped that fat fuck wandering around.
I slept like a baby that night.
The next morning I woke up and went into the kitchen to make coffee.
When I looked out the window, and I swear I'm not making this up, that fat bastard was sitting on a rock with a chipmunk.
Staring at me.
You little turd, I thought. Went out and pimped a chipmunk and brought her back here so you could both give me the stink eye.
Fuck you, Bear, I told him through the window, and gave him the stink eye right back.
He didn't scare me.
Well, that little fucker showed up every day after that with his chipmunk bitch.
Every morning I'd have to look out there and see their dumb asses sitting on that rock, laughing together and eating deer shit.
One morning, about a week later, I looked out the window and Bear was sitting by himself on the steps to the back door.
And he didn't look so good.
He was kind of staring off into space and his whiskers were all scraggled.
He looked like a little firecracker had gone off in his fat face.
I taunted him about his little chipmunk friend having left him for a squirrel.
Then I decided then to give him a pick-me-up by peeing on him.
That'll scare him off, I thought because animals generally doesn't like to get peed on.
So I let fly with a morning squirt that would have knocked over a small child.
I even shot it up in the air first so that it would come down on his head with more force.
That stupid gerbil just sat there and let me pee on his head. Never moved.
And instead of thinking about what a rotten thing it is to pee on someone, I thought to myself, That gerbil is really fucked up.
So there we stood.
Me with my stuff out and Bear sitting on the step with a little bald spot on the top of his head where my pee had parted his hair.
Whiskers all gnarled up and dripping - Pathetic.
So I got an oven mitt out of the kitchen and scooped him up.
I felt a little bit bad about what I had done to him but he stunk so I didn't worry about it too much.
The two of us walked together into the woods, said our goodbyes, and I dropped him down a hole next to a maple tree.
Fuck him.
I hate gerbils.
SWJ: Win
Gerbil: Fail
OMG. 'crackup'
Didn't I read where they found Bear inside Richard Geer's ass a few years ago?????? 'arse'
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Where did you go SWJ??????????? Please come back, I really miss your witty takes on random subjects!!! :D :D This site just hasn't been the same since you quit logging into this thread!! :( :( :( :(
P.S. I promise I will not talk about gerbils if you will only come back!!!!!!! 'winker' 'winker'
-
Where did you go SWJ??????????? Please come back, I really miss your witty takes on random subjects!!! :D :D This site just hasn't been the same since you quit logging into this thread!! :( :( :( :(
P.S. I promise I will not talk about gerbils if you will only come back!!!!!!! 'winker' 'winker'
what scooter said.... you ok?
-
Where did you go SWJ??????????? Please come back, I really miss your witty takes on random subjects!!! :D :D This site just hasn't been the same since you quit logging into this thread!! :( :( :( :(
P.S. I promise I will not talk about gerbils if you will only come back!!!!!!! 'winker' 'winker'
what scooter said.... you ok?
Now that that its been mentioned, I miss the funny shit that used to be dished up daily in here as well!!!. 'Popcorn'
-
Where did you go SWJ??????????? Please come back, I really miss your witty takes on random subjects!!! :D :D This site just hasn't been the same since you quit logging into this thread!! :( :( :( :(
P.S. I promise I will not talk about gerbils if you will only come back!!!!!!! 'winker' 'winker'
what scooter said.... you ok?
Now that that its been mentioned, I miss the funny shit that used to be dished up daily in here as well!!!. 'Popcorn'
I just read some of SWJ's posts, I have not laughed that hard in a really long time.
-
Where did you go SWJ??????????? Please come back, I really miss your witty takes on random subjects!!! :D :D This site just hasn't been the same since you quit logging into this thread!! :( :( :( :(
P.S. I promise I will not talk about gerbils if you will only come back!!!!!!! 'winker' 'winker'
what scooter said.... you ok?
Now that that its been mentioned, I miss the funny shit that used to be dished up daily in here as well!!!. 'Popcorn'
I just read some of SWJ's posts, I have not laughed that hard in a really long time.
I'm upset right now. I saw this page up top and was hoping a new installment had arrived.
-
Where did you go SWJ??????????? Please come back, I really miss your witty takes on random subjects!!! :D :D This site just hasn't been the same since you quit logging into this thread!! :( :( :( :(
P.S. I promise I will not talk about gerbils if you will only come back!!!!!!! 'winker' 'winker'
what scooter said.... you ok?
Now that that its been mentioned, I miss the funny shit that used to be dished up daily in here as well!!!. 'Popcorn'
I just read some of SWJ's posts, I have not laughed that hard in a really long time.
I'm upset right now. I saw this page up top and was hoping a new installment had arrived.
hilarious. I hope he didn't die.
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I just got a text from him and he has been dealing with some family issues.
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I just got a text from him and he has been dealing with some family issues.
He should write jokes for David Letterman...or someone.....but not Leno- he's kinda doofy.......Conan is cool, how about Jimmy Kimmel?..did you ever see the Man Show with Kimmel and Adam Carolla? They had the Juggies jumping on tramps after the show....awesome!
Naked chicks and beer just go together somehow.
Like Bacon and almost anything..goes together.
Kevin Bacon is a fag!
Niwot- your cheap SWJ fill-in!
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I just got a text from him and he has been dealing with some family issues.
He should write jokes for David Letterman...or someone.....but not Leno- he's kinda doofy.......Conan is cool, how about Jimmy Kimmel?..did you ever see the Man Show with Kimmel and Adam Carolla? They had the Juggies jumping on tramps after the show....awesome!
Naked chicks and beer just go together somehow.
Like Bacon and almost anything..goes together.
Kevin Bacon is a fag!
Niwot- your cheap SWJ fill-in!
Let's watch the bacon talk shall we...huh....
I agree Niwot...SWJ is super funny.
And I agree, the "new" Jay Leno show is EXACTLY like the Tonight Show...
Lame.
I think Jimmy will come into his own. He has the same dimeanor as he did on SNL...which is ok....just he needs to develop and grow his craft to the next level.
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I just got a text from him and he has been dealing with some family issues.
He should write jokes for David Letterman...or someone.....but not Leno- he's kinda doofy.......Conan is cool, how about Jimmy Kimmel?..did you ever see the Man Show with Kimmel and Adam Carolla? They had the Juggies jumping on tramps after the show....awesome!
Naked chicks and beer just go together somehow.
Like Bacon and almost anything..goes together.
Kevin Bacon is a fag!
Niwot- your cheap SWJ fill-in!
Let's watch the bacon talk shall we...huh....
I agree Niwot...SWJ is super funny.
And I agree, the "new" Jay Leno show is EXACTLY like the Tonight Show...
Lame.
I think Jimmy will come into his own. He has the same dimeanor as he did on SNL...which is ok....just he needs to develop and grow his craft to the next level.
Fallon's getting it. His interviews are funny as hell...plus who else has The Roots as their house band? Fucking brilliant!
SWJ - If its too much work, just put out a "greatest hits" posting like the douche record labels do while their singers are in rehab. We can get Tom Jones to do the voice over on the infomercial:
"Do you remember the Summer of 2009? When quitting was cool, and the livin' was easy? Well let us take you back to those days with the newest Time-Life series: 'My Page is Better Than Yours; The Golden Months'"
"Included in this must have library of classics will be countless posting classics such as:
"A Rumination on the Thong"
and
"Day #102"
and
"Why Lo Pan is the Shit" ...lets take a trip back:
3.Lo Pan has magical powers. Like a leprachaun except not gay.
4.No one else could make wearing a housecoat look so awesome.
5.His pimp-hat has a giant nail through it. Undeniably kick-ass.
6.Lo Pan has the best job in the world. His job is to shit-stomp basically everyone.
7.Even if he didn't have a job, Lo Pan would just sit around doing bad-ass stuff like look at porn during church. Except he would also probably get bored at church and start randomly head-butting people, including little kids.
............now doesn't that just take you back?
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My favorite work by my favorite artist:
The Devil and Billy Markham
By Shel Silverstein
Video of Part One (click here) (http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&VideoID=3041743)
Billy Markham and the Fly
Billy Markham slowly turns on a white-hot steel spit,
And his skin, it crackles like roasting pig, and his flesh is seared and split,
And sulphur fills his nostrils and heÂ’s fed on slime and mud,
By a hairy imp with a pointed stick who bastes him in spiderÂ’s blood.
And his eyeballs boil up inside his skull and his throatÂ’s too charred to scream,
So he sleeps the sleep of the burning dead and he dreams unspeakable dreams.
Then in walks the Devil in a big yellow hat as Bill hears the Hell gates clanginÂ’
And the Devil wipes off his bloody hands and says, “Hey, Bill, how’re they hanging?
IÂ’m sorry we couldnÂ’t give you a pit with a view, but right now thisÂ’ the best we got,
But as soon as weÂ’re done with Attila the Hun, weÂ’ll move you right into his spot.
Have you met your neighbors, have you heard ‘em scream? Do they keep you awake in the fire?
Hey, a little more brimstone for number nine — and stoke up the heat a bit higher.
Ah, you just canÂ’t get good help these days, and there ainÂ’t much profit in Hell.
No — turn that adulteress upside down — do I have to do everything myself?
I tell you, Bill, itÂ’s a full-time job, tending these white- hot coals,
So damn busy with paperwork, I hardly got time for collecting new souls.
Which brings me to the subject of my little visit. Now, youÂ’re one of them natural-born gamblinÂ’ men,
And IÂ’ll bet youÂ’d give most anything just to get them dice in your hands again.
So instead of swimming in this muck and slime and burninÂ’ crisp as toast . . .
I’ll trade you one roll of the dice for the soul of the one who loves you most.”
“Trade the soul of the one who loves me most? Not a chance in Hell I will!”
“Spoken like a hero,” the Devil says. “Hey, a little more fire for Bill.”
“You can burn me, roast me or bake me,” says Billy. “Go have your fiendish fun.
A coward dies a thousand times — a brave man checks out once.”
“Hey, Billy, that’s poetic,” the Devil says, “but life ain’t like no rhyme,
And I know ways to make a brave man die a million times.”
“Then do it, motherfucker!” Billy Markham screams. “But I won’t trade love away.”
“That’s what they all say,” the Devil laughs, “but when I turn up the fire, they play.”
And the flame burns white and BillÂ’s flesh burns black and he smells his roasting stink,
And the Hell rats nibbble upon his nose . . . and Billy begins to think.
He thinks of his childhood sweetheart who loved him through his crazy days . . .
He thinks of his gray-haired mamma, Hell, sheÂ’s gettinÂ’ old anyway.
He thinks of his baby daughter — he wrote her a card last fall . . .
Then the Devil does somethin’ even I won’t describe . . . and Billy screams, “Take ‘em all!”
And — Zap! — again he’s back at Linebaugh’s, kneeling on that same old floor,
And across from him the Devil kneels, ready to play once more.
And Bill gently feels the LinebaughÂ’s tile littered with git and grime
And he sees his friends in the booths all around as they chew their nails and rhyme their rhymes.
And he hears the jukebox blaring loud, and smells the perfume and the piss,
And he breathes in deep of the smoke-filled air, and he thinks, “How sweet it is.”
“Well, are you ready to shoot some craps?” he hears the Devil cry,
“Or you gonna sit all night and stroke that floor like you stroke a young girl’s thigh?”
And as Billy takes the dice, he knows that if he wins,
Then Hades will have been a dream, and his soul will be his again.
“I guess my point is still thirteen?” Billy Markham asks.
“The point’s the same,” the Devil sneers, “and the stakes are still your ass.”
“Well, one never knows,” Billy Markham says, “when luck’s gonna smile on a man,
And if a charcoal corpse from Hell can’t roll thirteen, then who the Hell can?”
And Billy Markham shakes the dice and whispers, “Please, thirteen.”
And the dice roll out a six . . . and a six . . . and then, as if in a dream . . .
A buzzing fly from a plate nearby, like a messenger sent from heaven,
Shits — right in the middle of one of them sixes — and turns it into a seven.
“Thirteen!” yells Billy Markham. “I have beat the Devil’s play.”
“The Hell you have,” the Devil says, and . . . whoosh. . . he blows that speck away.
“Which goes to prove,” the Devil says, “that Hell’s too big to buck,
And when you’re gambling for your ass, don’t count on flyshit luck.”
“Well, that’s life,” sighs Billy Markham, “and it never lasts for long,
Buy y’know that fly shittin’ on that die would have made one Hell of a song.”
“You’re a songwriting fool,” the Devil laughs. “There ain’t no doubt about it.
As soon as you go lose one damn game, you wanna write a song about it.
But there’s a whole lot more to life and death than the words and tunes you give ‘em.
And any fool can sing the blues — let’s see if you can live ‘em.”
Then — Zap! — Billy wakes up back in Hell, turning on that same steel spit,
And again his skin crackles like roasting pork, and his flesh is seared and split,
And his mouth is filled with molten lead and his ass with red- hot coals,
And next to him the Devil squats — and laughs — and wipes his ass with Billy Markham’s soul.
And he hears the screams of his momma as she turns in the purple flame.
And he hears the cries of his baby girl as she pays the price of his game.
He hears the voice of his own true love laugh like a child at play,
As she sucks the DevilÂ’s brains out in her own sweet lovinÂ’ way.
And buzzin’ ‘cross Bill’s burnin’ bones and landing on his starin’ eye
And nibblinÂ’ on his roastinÂ’ flesh
Is that grinninÂ’ LinebaughÂ’s fly.
Billy MarkhamÂ’s Last Roll
“Good morning, Billy Markham, it’s time to rise and shine.”
The DevilÂ’s words come grindinÂ’ into BillyÂ’s burninÂ’ mind.
And he opens up one bloodshot eye to that world of living death,
And he feels the DevilÂ’s bony claw and he smells the DevilÂ’s rotten breath.
“Wake up, Sunshine!” the Devil laughs. “I’m giving you another turn.”
“I’m turning now,” Billy Markham growls. “Go away and let me burn.”
“But you’re Gamblin’ Billy Markham,” says the Devil, “and you wouldn’t let a chance go past.”
“Another chance to roll thirteen?” says Billy. “Hey, shove it up your ass.
I’ve rolled your dice, I’ve rolled ‘em twice. Now I hear my love ones cry,
And before I play that game again, I’ll stay here in Hell and fry.”
“You sure are a grouch when you wake up,” says the Devil, “but don’t take it out on me.
In the misty worlds of Heaven and Hell, Bill, everything’s done in threes.”
“Well, you can take three kisses of my burning bum,” says Billy, layin’ back and closing his eyes,
“And I’ll piss on your shoe, if ever you come near me again with them flyshit dice.”
“Dice? Dice?” says the Devil. “Who said dice? Anybody hear me say dice?
Hey, imp, pour my buddy here a cool glass of water, and throw in a nice big chunk of ice.”
“And since when,” says Billy, raisin’ up, “do you go around handing out gifts,
Except pokes from your burning pitchfork or mouthfuls of boiling shit?”
“Well, it’s Christmas,” says the Devil, “and all of us down here below,
We sort of celebrate in our own sweet way, and this year youÂ’re the star of the show.
Why, just last night I was up on earth and I seen that loversÂ’ moon,
And I said to myself, ‘Hey, I bet old Billy could use a little bit of poon.”
“Poon?” says Billy Markham. “Last thing I need is poon.
Talk about gettin’ my ashes hauled, Hell, I’ll be all ashes soon.”
“Damn, damn!” the Devil screams. “He’s been too long on the fires.
I told you imps to fry him slow, now you gone and burned out his desire.
You gotta leave ‘em some hope, leave ‘em some dreams, so they know what Hell is for,
‘Cause when a man forgets how sweet love is, well, Hell ain’t Hell no more.
So just to refresh your memory, Billy, weÂ’re gonna send you back to earth
And IÂ’ll throw in a little Christmas blessinÂ’ to remind you what life is worth.
For exactly thirteen hours you can screw who you wanna screw
And there ainÂ’t no creature on GodÂ’s green earth whoÂ’s gonna say no to you.
While me and all these burning souls and all my imps and fiends,
WeÂ’re gonna sit down here and watch you on that big twenty-four-inch color screen.
And weÂ’ll see each hump youÂ’re humping, and weÂ’ll hear each grunt you groan,
And we’ll laugh at the look upon your face when it’s time to come back home.”
“Well, you’re much too kind,” Billy Markham says. “And you treat me much too well.
You gonna give me somethin’ just to take it back — you sure know how to run a Hell.
Well, a game is a game,” Billy Markham says, risin’ off his bed of coals.
“But what if one won’t ball me, what if one I want says no?”
“No?” says the Devil. “What if one says no? Ain’t nobody gonna say no.
Nobody quits or calls in sick when the Devil calls the show.
Not man nor woman nor beast!” screams the Devil, “and no laters or maybes or buts,
And before one soul says no to you, IÂ’ll see these Hell gates rust.
But if anyone refuses you, I say, anyone you name,
Then you’ll be free to stay on earth. Now get out and play the game!”
Then a flash of light and a thunderclap and BillyÂ’s back on earth once more
And the asphalt sings beneath his feet as he weaves toward Music Row.
First he stops at the Exit Inn to seduce the blonde on the door,
Then the RCA receptionist he takes on the office floor.
He nails the waitress down at Macks, the one with the pear-shaped breasts,
And four of the girls from B.M.I. right on Frances PrestonÂ’s desk.
He screws his way from M.C.A. to VanderbiltÂ’s ivy walls.
And he pokes everything that giggles or sings or whimpers or wiggles or crawls.
First Debbie, then Polly, then Dotty, then Dolly then Jeannie, and Jessie, and Jan,
Then Marshall and Sal and that redheaded gal who takes the tickets at Opryland.
Then Hazel and Carla and an ex-wife of HarlanÂ’s then Melva and Marge and Marie,
And three fat Gospel singers who all came together in perfect three-part harmony.
And Brenda and Sammy and Sharon and Sandy, Loretta and Buffy and Mae.
And Terri and Lynne at the Holiday Inn and Captain Midnight’s fiancée.
Then Sherry and Rita, Diane and Anita, Olivia, Emmy and Jean,
And Donna and Kay down at Elliston Place — right there in the pinto beans.
He crashes a session in Studio B, where he humps both Janet and June
On John GimbleÂ’s fiddle, right in the middle of a Porter Wagoner tune.
From Connie to Bonnie to Caroline, to Tracy, to Stacy, to Jo,
He gives ‘em a glance and they drop their pants and nobody dares say no.
He is humpinÂ’ the Queen of country music, when he hears the Devil moan.
“Make it sweet, Billy Markham, but make it short, you’ve got just thirty seconds to go.
And all of us here, weÂ’re applauding your show and weÂ’d say you done right well,
And we just can’t wait to hear you moan when you’re fuckless forever in Hell.”
“Hold on!” says Billy with one last thrust. “If I got thirty seconds mo’,
Then I got the right to one last hump before it’s time to go.”
“Well, make your choice,” the Devil says, “and you’d better be quick and strong,
And make it a come to remember, Bill — it’s gotta last you eternity long.”
“So who will it be, Billy Markham?” they scream. “Who’s gonna be the one?
Starlet or harlot or housewife or hippie or grandma or shoolgirl or nun?
Or fresh-scented virgin or dope-smoking groupie or sweet ever-smilin’ stew?”
And Billy Markham, he stops. . .and he squints at the Devil. . .and says. . .”Sucker. . .I’ll take you.”
“Foul!” cries the Devil. “Foul, no fair! The rules don’t hold for me.”
“You said man or woman or beast,” says Bill, “and I guess you’re all of the three.”
And a roar goes up from the demons of Hell and it shakes the earth across,
And the imps all squeal and the demons scream, “He’s gonna fuck the boss!”
“Why, you filthy scum,” the Devil snarls, blushing a fiery red,
“I give you a chance to live again and you bust me in front of my friends.”
“Hey, play or pay,” Billy Markham says. “So set me free at last,
Or raise your tail and hear all Hell wail when I bugger your devilish ass.”
“You got me,” spits the Devil. “Go on and stay on your precious earth,
And plod along and plug your songs, but carry this life-long curse.
You shall lust for a million women, and not oneÂ’s gonna come your way,
And you shall write ten million songs and not oneÂ’s ever gonna get played.
And your momma and daughter and your own true love, they gonna stay down here with me,
And you’ll carry the guilt like a movable Hell, wherever the Hell you be.”
“Ah, well,” says Billy Markham, “they never were mine to lose,
No family, no pussy and no records, Hell, I’m used to them kind of dues.”
So back on the streets goes Billy again, eatinÂ’ them LinebaughÂ’s beans,
PickinÂ’ his songs while nobody listens and tellinÂ’ his story that no one believes.
And he gets no women and he gets no hits, but he says just what he thinks.
Hey, buy him a round. . .it wonÂ’t cost much . . .ice waterÂ’s all he drinks.
But notice the burns upon his wrist as he raises his tremblinÂ’ glass,
While he tells how the Devil once burned his soul – While he singed the Devil’s ass.
Billy, Scuzzy, and God ItÂ’s the Nashville Country Corner, all the low are getting high.
And Billy tells his tale again to anyone whoÂ’ll buy.
With waving arms and rolling eyes, he screams to the drunken throng,
“I’ve whipped the Devil and lived through Hell, now who’s gonna sing my song?”
Then from the shadows comes an oily voice, “Hey, kid, I like your moves.”
And out of the back slides a little wizened cat with brown-and-white perforated wing-tip shoes.
“Sleezo’s the name,” the little man says, “but I’m Scuzzy to my friends.
And I think I got a little business proposition you just might be interested in.”
“Scuzzy Sleezo hisself,” Billy Markham says. “Man, you’re a legend in these woods.
You never cut the Devil down, but you done damn near as good.
Why, since I been old enough to jack, I been hearinÂ’ your greasy name.
It’s an honor to meet an all-star Scuzz. Just where you settin’ up your game?”
“No more games for me,” says Scuzzy. “I’m too old and too slow for the pace,
So IÂ’m the worldÂ’s greatest hustlerÂ’s agent now and, Billy, I been studyinÂ’ your case.
I seen your first match with the Devil,” says Scuzz, “it was a Volkswagen/Mack truck collision,
And your second shot, well, you showed me a lot, but you got burned by a hometown decision.
And I says to myself, ‘He can go all the way, with the proper guidance, of course.
HeÂ’s got the heart, and with a few more smarts, heÂ’d be an irresistible force.Â’
Yeah, I can teach you the tricks and show you the shticks, just like a hustlerÂ’s training camp.
And I’ll bring you on slow — then a prelim or so — then — Powee! — a shot at the Champ.”
“The Champ?” says Billy Markham. “Now, who in God’s name is that?”
“Why, God Himself,” says Scuzzy Sleezo. “You know anybody more champ than that?”
“Hey, a match with God?” Billy Markham gasps. “And what would be the purse?”
“Why, a place in heaven, of course,” says Scuzz, “’stead of livin’ this Nashville curse.
But IÂ’ll drive you like a wagon, son, and IÂ’ll sweat you like a Turk,
All for fifty percent of the take — now, shake, and let’s get to work.”
Now the scene shifts to the funky pool hall known as the Crystal Cue
And the time is three months later, and the smoke is thick and blue,
And the emerald cloth is stained with tears and blood and ketchup spots,
As a fat old man with a dirty white beard stands practicinÂ’ three- cushion shots.
“Hey, what are we doin’ here?” says Billy to Scuzz. “I been taught and I been trained,
And I don’t need no more prelims, I am primed for the Big, Big Game.”
“Well, son,” says the old man, sinkin’ the four, “why don’t you pick yourself out a cue, and. . . .”
“Hey, Santa Claus,” Billy Markham snaps back, “wasn’t nobody talkin’ to you.”
“Um. . .if you look close,” whispers Scuzzy to Bill, “you’ll see his cue is a lightnin’ rod,
And he ain’t no Santa, and he ain’t Fat Daddy. . .you just showed your ass to God.”
“Well, hey, excuse me, Lord,” says Bill, “I didn’t mean to be uncool,
But it sure can shake a fellah’s faith to find God hustling pool.”
“Well, where you expect to find me,” says God, “on a throne with cherubs round?
Well, I do that five days and nights a week, and on the sixth night. . .I get down.”
“And on the seventh night I suppose you rest?” says Billy Markham with a grin.
“Never you mind about the seventh night,” says God. “Besides, that lady’s just a friend.
Anyway, you didn’t come here just to drag my image down.”
“You’re right ’bout that, Lord,” Billy says. “I come to take your crown.”
“Beg pardon, Lord,” says Scuzzy Sleezo, “I don’t mean no disrespect,
But when youÂ’re dealing with my boy, donÂ’t speak to him direct.
IÂ’m his agent and consultant, Scuzzy Sleezo is the name,
Premier Promotional ArtistÂ’s Representative of the whole street-hustlinÂ’ game.
Cardsharps, loan sharks, pimps, punks and car parks, IÂ’ve handled the best of the lot,
And my new boy here, he just whipped the Devil — now we’re lookin’ for a title shot.”
“Beat the Devil, you say?” laughs God. “Well, I take my hat off to him.
Let him hang up his mouth and pick out a cue and heÂ’ll get the shot thatÂ’s due him.
Any game he names — any table he’s able — any price he can afford.”
“Straight pool for Heaven,” says Billy Markham.
“Straight pool it is,” says the Lord.
Crack! Billy Markham wins the break and busts ‘em cool and clean.
The five ball falls, he sinks the seven, and then drops the 13.
He makes the nine, comes off the cushion and puts the six away,
Bags the three and the eight on a triple combination and wins the first game on a smooth massé.
He takes the next game, the next and the next, and when he does finally miss,
He dusts the blue off his hands, and his game score stands at 1376.
“Well, my turn at last,” says the Lord, chalkin’ up. “Son, you sure shoot a wicked stick.
I’ll need some luck to beat a run like that; that is, without resorting to miracles or tricks.”
“Hey, trick and be damned,” Billy Markham laughs. “Tonight I’m as hot as flame.
So I laugh at your tricks — and I sneer at your stick — and I take your name in vain.”
“Oooh”, goes the crowd that’s been gathering around. “Oooh”, goes the rack boy in wonder.
“Oooh”, says Scuzzy Sleezo, “I think you just made a slight tactical blunder.”
“Oooh”, says God, “you shouldn’t have said that, son, you shouldn’t have said that at all!”
And his cue cracks out like a thunderbolt spittinÂ’ a flaminÂ’ ball.
It sinks everything on the table, then it zooms up off the green,
Through the dirty window with a crash of glass and into the wind like a womanÂ’s scream,
Out of the pool hall, up through the skies, the cue ball gleams and swirls,
BustinÂ’ in and out of every pool game in the world.
It strikes on every table, it crashes every rack,
And every pool ball in creation comes rebounding back!
Back through the window they tumble and crash, down through the ceiling they spin.
A million balls rain down on the table and every one goes in.
“Now, there”, says Scuzzy Sleezo, “is a shot you don’t see every day.
Lord, you should have an agent to handle your press and build up the class of your play.
My partnership with this sucker here has come to a termination.
But God and Scuzzy Sleezo? Hey, that would be a combination.”
Meanwhile, the cue ball flyinÂ’ back last, like a sputterinÂ’ fizzlinÂ’ rocket,
Goes weaving dizzily down the cushion and — plunk! — falls right in the pocket.
“Scratch!” says Billy Markham. “And you said you could shoot!”
“Scratch!” murmurs the crowd of hangers and hustlers. “At last we have seen it all.
“Scratch!” mutters the Lord. “I guess I put a little too much English on the ball,
Just another imperfection, I never get it quite on the button.
Tell you what, son, I’ll spot you three million balls and play you one more double or nothin’.”
“Double what?” says Billy Markham. “I already whipped you like a child,
And I won my seat in Heaven, now I’m gonna set in it awhile.”
“Hit-and-run — chickenshit,” sneers God. “You said you was the best.
Turns out you’re just a get-lucky-play-it-safe pussy like all the rest.”
“Whoa-whoa”, says Billy. “There’s somethin’ in that voice I know quite well.”
And he reaches out and yanks off God’s white beard — and there stands the Devil himself!
“You said you was God”, Billy Markham cries. “You conned me and hustled me, too!”
“I am God — sometimes — and sometimes I’m the Devil, good and bad, just like you.
IÂ’m everything and everyone in perfect combination,
And everybody but you kows that there ainÂ’t no separation.
But go ahead,” sighs God, scribbling something down. “Give this note to the angel on the wall,
And you sit up there ‘n’ plunk your harp.
Hey, anybody want to shoot some eight ball?”
And cold and white and tremblinÂ’, Billy walks out into the night,
Where a golden staircase stretches all the way to paradise.
And he grips the glitterinÂ’ balustrade and begins his grand ascent.
“Just a minute, good buddy”, yells Scuzzy Sleezo. “How about my fifty percent?
I helped you win the champeenship — and you wouldn’t do ol’ Scuzzy wrong,
And since the purse is a seat in Heaven, you just gotta take me along.”
“Just one minute”, says Billy Markham. “There’s something weird going on in this game.
All the voices that I’m hearin’ start to soundin’ just the same.”
And he rips off Scuzzy SleezoÂ’s face and the DevilÂ’s standing there.
“Good God,” yells Billy Markham, “are you — are you everywhere?”
“Yes, I am,” the Devil says. “And don’t look so damn surprised.
I thought you could smuggle me into Heaven wearing my Sleezy disguise.
‘Course, I could’ve walked in as Jehovah, but it just wouldn’t have been the same,
But you and your corny Dick Tracy bit — you had to go ruin my fantasy game.
Go on, climb up your golden stairs, enjoy your paradise,
But don’t rip off your own face, Bill — or you might get a shockin’ surprise.”
Then up, up the golden stairway Billy Markham dizzily winds his way,
And high, high above him, he can hear his own songs beinÂ’ played,
And down, down below, hear Scuzzy Sleezo curse his name, To the click-click-click of the pool balls
As God hustles another game.
Billy MarkhamÂ’s Descent
Billy Markham sits on an unwashed cloud, his hair is matted and mussed,
His dusty wings have been cast aside and his harp strings have gone to rust.
ThereÂ’s dirt beneath his fingernails and a glazed look in his eyes
As he sits like a burned-out acid freak and stares across the skies.
They had bathed his body in milk and myrrh; they had robed him in silver gowns;
They had straightened his warp in his guitar neck, and gave him a golden crown;
They had set him a place at the table of joy and the fountain of knowledge, as well,
But he searches the heavens with haunted eyes — for his mind still walks through Hell.
His thoughts are down in that nether world, in that burning fiery rain.
His thoughts are with his momma, how he longs to soothe her pain.
His thoughts are with his little girl, how heÂ’d love to ease her cryinÂ’.
His thoughts are with his own true love, how heÂ’d love to bust her spine.
So late that night, while the heavenly harps play In the Sweet Bye and Bye,
Billy Markham reaches the silken rope that hangs down from the sky.
He has stripped himself of his crown and robes; he has clutched the silken cord;
He has swung him down without a sound, soÂ’s not to wake the Lord.
And down he winds through the perfumed air, down through the marshmallow clouds,
And he hangs for a while oÂ’er the rooftops of earth, lookinÂ’ down at the scurrying crowds.
Then down through a manhole still clutching the rope, to a stench that he knows quite well.
“Neath the sewers of the street, till he feels his feet touch the shit-mucked shores of Hell.
He has scaled the crusted, rusted gates, he has thrown a bone to the Hounds.
He has floated the putrid river Styx, still down and further down.
Down past the gluttons, the dealers and pimps, down past the murdererÂ’s cage,
Down past the rock stars searching in vain for their names on the Cashbox page.
Down past the door of the Merchants of War, past the PuritanÂ’s slop- filled bin.
Past the BigotÂ’s hive, till at last he arrives, at the pit marked BLAMELESS SINS.
He has found the vat where his momma boils; he has lifted her gently from the deep.
He has found the grate where his little girl burns;
he has raised her and soothed her and rocked her to sleep.
he has found the pit where his sweetheart sleeps; he has spit on the fire where she lay.
He has cursed her as a whore of Hell; he has cursed and turned away.
“From this day”, says Billy, “I place my faith only in mother and child,
And never again will I look for love in a bitch’s cum-stained smile.”
Then up, back up the rope he climbs, up through the sufferinÂ’ swarms,
Past the clutching hands and the pitiful screams with his two precious loves in his arms.
Just one more pull — just one more pull — then free forever from Hell,
Just one more pull then — “Hello, Billy!” — and there stands the Devil himself!
And now he wears his crimson robes and his horns are buttered bright,
And blood oozes through his white-linen gloves and his skin glows red in the night.
And his tail coils tight like an oily snake and the Hell-fires flash from his eyes,
On those craggy rocks, he stands and blocks the way to paradise.
“Well, what have we here”, the Devil says, “in my domain of sin?
In all my years as Prince of the Dark, itÂ’s the first case of somebody breakinÂ’ in.
And of all the daredevil darinÂ’ dudes, well, who should the hero be?
But my old friend Billy Markham — who once made a punk out of me.
I heard you was in Heaven, Billy, fuckinÂ’ angels all day long,
What’s a matter — wouldn’t that heavenly choir sing none of your raunchy songs?
Or maybe itÂ’s the thought of the loves you sold and you couldnÂ’t live with the shame.
Or maybe, like every other loser, you just can’t stay ‘way from the game.
You write your songs about standinÂ’ strong, you sing about beinÂ’ free,
But like a pussy-whipped fool who keeps on bitchinÂ’ Â’bout his lover, you keep bitchinÂ’ but cominÂ’ back to me.
You made me the laughingstock of Hell and the whole world laughed with you,
Now here you come crashinÂ’ my party again; now tell me, just whoÂ’s devilinÂ’ who?
Now, I didnÂ’t invite you down here, Bill, and nobody twisted your arm,
But youÂ’re back down here on my turf now, down here where itÂ’s cozy and warm.
So no more dice and no more games and no more jive stories to tell,
Just the Devil and a man with some souls in his hand hangin’ ‘tween Heaven and Hell.
But what is this?” the Devil says. “Only two souls you’ve set free?
You seem to forgot and left one behind; now, who could that one be?
Could it be your own true love, the one with the angelÂ’s smile?
The one you curse with each bitter breath Â’cause she played with the Devil awhile?
You call yourself free?” the Devil laughs. “Why, you prudish, uptight schmuck,
YouÂ’d leave your sweet love burn in Hell for one harmless little suck.
What would you rather she had done, leaped in the boiling manure . . .
SoÂ’s you could keep your fantasy of someone sweet and pure?
She saved her ass — and so would you — but still you curse her name.
Shit, you’d suck a million dicks to escape one childbirth pain.”
“Hey, it’s easy to talk to savin’ ass”, says Billy, “forgiveness is easy to say,
But when the shame burns worse than Hades’ fires — how do you talk that away?”
“Shame?” laughs the Devil. “She’s only a woman — she did what she had to do,
And right or wrong, she needs no curse from the hypocrite lame like you. . .
She shall rule with me in this Kingdom of Flame, she shall sit next to me on my throne,
While you live with the truth — that the Devil’s heart has more pity than your own.”
“Hey, wait a minute”, say Billy Markham. “I can’t believe what you just said,
You givinÂ’ me this whole philosophy shit just Â’cause you like the way she gave you head.
Why, you poor closet romantic, that chick was suckinÂ’ for her life.
Just wait see what kinda head you get after you make her your wife.”
“In Hell”, shouts the Devil, “that’s blasphemy! I should burn you to dust where you stand,
But the venom youÂ’re carryinÂ’ in your heart, thatÂ’s torture enough for any man.
So get your ass up that silken rope, climb back to your promised land,
And hold your illusions of momma and daughter tight in your sweatinÂ’ hand.
But youÂ’ll see that theyÂ’re just bitches like she, and youÂ’ll scream when you find itÂ’s true,
But stay up there and scream to God — Hell’s gates are closed to you.”
And Billy Markham, clutching his loves, climbs upward toward the skies,
And is it the sharp night wind that brings the tears to BillyÂ’s eyes?
Or is it the swirling sulphur smoke or the bright glare of the sun?
Or is it the sound of the wedding feast that the demons below have begun?
As the Devil, he sits with his betrothed and they pledge their love in the steam,
While halfway up the silken cord, Billy Markham screams!
Billy MarkhamÂ’s Wedding
The trumpets of Hell have sounded the word like a screeching clarion call.
The trumpets of Hell have sounded the word and the word has been heard by all.
The trumpets of Hell have sounded the word and it reaches the heavenly skies,
Come angels, come demons, come half-breeds, too, the Devil is taking a bride.
And out of the Pearly Gates they come in a file two by two,
For when the Devil takes a bride, thereÂ’s none that dares refuse.
And Jesus himself, he leads the way down through the starless night,
With Virgin Mary at his left side and Joseph on his right.
And then comes Adam and then comes Eve and saints move close behind
And all the gentle and all the good, in an endless column they wind.
Down, down to the pits of Hell, down from the heavens they sift
Like fallen stars to a blood-red sea, each bearing the Devil a gift.
The strong and the brave, the halt and the lame, the deaf and the blind and the dumb,
And last of all comes Billy Markham, cursing the night as he comes.
HellÂ’s halls are decked with ribbons of red, the feast has been prepared,
And Devil and bride sit side by side in skull-and-crossbone chairs,
And the Devil grins as his guests file in, for he is master now,
And one by one they enter his realm — and one by one they bow,
And the Devil whispers, “Thank the Lord,” and swells his chest with pride
As they mouth their blessings and place their gifts at the feet of the DevilÂ’s bride.
Lucrezia Borgia has made the punch of strychnine, wine and gin,
And Judas has set the supper table on hallowed, bloody linen.
The feast is a human barbecue and the sauce is beriberi
Flavored with gore from the burning hordes and cooked by Typhoid Mary.
And everyone drinks of the bubblinÂ’ brew and off come the masks of virtue and sin,
And the Devil beams proud on the well-mixed crowd and cries, “Let the revels begin!”
And the walls that separate Heaven and Hell crack and crumble away,
And the Devil laughs and waves his tail and HellÂ’s band begins to play.
There is Nero, madly fiddlinÂ’ his fiddle and Gabriel on horn,
And the Black Bitch of Buchenwald beating her drum, and Arthur Rank banginÂ’ his gong,
And Marie Laveau, she plays her bones and Yorick, he plays his,
And Hank plays guitar with three strings broke, and thatÂ’s what Hell really is.
And Janis and Elvis and Jimi and Cass, theyÂ’re up there singinÂ’ the blues,
And Adolf Hitler and Joan of Arc start doinÂ’ the boogaloo.
Then Carry nation, she starts to strip and everyone applauds,
Except Lady Macbeth, whoÂ’s givinÂ’ some head to Leonardo da Vinci and Santa Claus.
And the Marquis de Sade does a promenade, laughing and cracking his whips,
And Marilyn Monroe does a coochie show and Eve starts shaking her hips.
And Sarah Bernhardt and Jessie James, theyÂ’re taking dirty photos,
While out in the foyer, Richard the Third is comparing his hump with QuasimodoÂ’s.
And bare-ass naked on the balustrade sits Edgar Allan Poe
Posing for a two-dollar caricature by Michelangelo.
And Gypsy Rose Lee jumps on Francis Scott Key, and does a quick trick with her fan,
While Ivan the TerribleÂ’s trying to get into Virgin MaryÂ’s pants.
Henry the Eighth, he screams, “More food, more music, more wine, more wives,”
While Lizzie Borden and Jack the Ripper, theyÂ’re out on the terrace comparing knives.
Lenny Bruce, he moons the crowd while swinging from the ceiling,
And Jesus and Judas have one more drink just to show thereÂ’s no hard feelings.
Then Catherine the Great, sheÂ’s givinÂ’ her number to the horse of Paul Revere,
While Don JuanÂ’s whisperinÂ’ love and lust into Helen KellerÂ’s ear.
And General Grant, heÂ’s playing backgammon in the corner with Robert E. Lee,
While Freud and Rasputin are arguing pussy with Attila the Hun and Socrates.
And John Wilkes Booth, heÂ’s havinÂ’ a toot, and J. Edgar HooverÂ’s in drag,
While Amelia Earhart is talkinÂ’ to Lindbergh, Â’bout splittinÂ’ a five-cent bag,
And Mary Baker EddyÂ’s drunk and tellinÂ’ dirty jokes,
And Fatty Arbuckle’s shoutin’, “Hey, anybody got another coke?”
And Alice Toklas and Gertrude Stein are gigglinÂ’ behind the door,
While the Daughters of Lot are yellin’, “Hey, Pop, let’s do just once more.”
And Florence NightingaleÂ’s offerinÂ’ a beer to the Man in the Iron Mask,
While PlatoÂ’s shovinÂ’ cashew nuts up Marco PoloÂ’s ass,
And Billy Sunday and Mary Magdalene announce theyÂ’re goinÂ’ steady,
And Abel and Cain form a daisy chain with Jeanette MacDonald and Nelson Eddy.
Then Doctor Faust snorts too much coke and punches out Errol Flynn
Over some 13-year-old girl that theyÂ’re both interested in.
And NeroÂ’s laughinÂ’ as he sets fire to Mata HariÂ’s hair,
While Oscar Wilde says to Billy the Kid, “Hey, Kid, let me show you round upstairs.”
And the Devil, he drinks his boiling blood and glances side to side,
From the eyes of Billy Markham to the eyes of his own sweet bride.
Then the music comes to a screechinÂ’ halt and the revelers freeze where they stand
As Billy Markham approaches the throne and says, “May I have this dance?”
“Can this be Billy Markham”, sneers the Devil, “who loves only the chaste and the pure?
No, Billy wouldnÂ’t bow and kiss the hand of a woman he once called whore.
But whoever this poor, lonely wretch may be, it is my wedding whim,
That no man be refused this day — step down, darlin’, and dance with him.”
The Devil grins and waves his hand, the music starts gentle and warm,
As the lady nervously steps from her throne into Billy MarkhamÂ’s arms.
And the guests all snicker and snigger and wait, and they watch the dancersÂ’ eyes,
As round and round the floor they swirl ‘tween Hell and paradise.
“Oh, baby doll”, whispers Billy Markham, “I have done you an awful wrong,
And to show how rotten low I feel, I even wrote about it in a song.
I never should’ve called you a scuzzy whore — I never should’ve spit on your bed,
And I never shouldÂ’ve left you to burn here in Hell just Â’cause you give the Devil some head.
But if thereÂ’s any hellish and heavenly way that I can make it right,
If it costs my balls, over Hades’ walls, I’ll get you away tonight.”
And the lady smiles a wanton smile, as round and round the room they swing.
And she whispers low in Billy’s ear. . . “There is one little thing. . .”
Now the hall is empty, the guests are gone, and there on the rusted throne,
Hand in hand in golden bands, the Devil and bride sit alone.
And the Devil stretches and yawns and grins, “It has been quite a day.
Now I guess it’s time to seal our love in the usual mortal way.”
And the Devil strips off his crimson cloak, and he casts his pitchfork aside,
And he frees his oily two-pronged tail, and waits to take his bride.
And his true love lifts her wedding dress up over her angelÂ’s head
And hand in hand they make their way to the DevilÂ’s firery bed.
And her upturned breasts glow warm in the fire
And her legs are shapely and slim
And for the very first time since time began, the Devil feels passion in him.
“Now for the moment of truth”, he whispers. “My love, my queen, my choice.”
“I love you, too, motherfucker”, she laughs — in Billy Markham’s voice.
And the Devil leaps up and howls so loud that the fires of Hell blow cold.
“Ain’t no big deal”, says Billy’s voice. “While we was dancing, we swapped souls.
Now sheÂ’s up in Heaven singinÂ’ my songs and wearinÂ’ my body, too,
Safe forever in the arms of the Lord, while I’m down here in the arms of you.”
“Why, you crawlin’ crud”, the Devil cries, “I’ll teach you to fuck with my brain.
I’ll give you a child who weighs ninety-five pounds, you talk about screamin’ pain!”
“Hold on”, says Billy Markham, “I will be your wife only in name –
You come near me with that double-pronged dick and I’ll rip it right off your frame.”
“Not so loud”, the Devil whispers. “If Hell learns what’s been done,
TheyÂ’ll laugh me off this golden throne and damn me to kingdom come.
And you — you’ve given me my true love’s body with a hustler’s soul inside.
You know more of torture than I’ve ever dreamed — you’re fit to be my bride.”
“Well, don’t take it so hard”, Billy Markham says. “You know things could be lots worse.
Havin’ her soul in my body — now, that would be a curse.
But you and me, we got lots in common, we both like to shoot the shit,
And we both like to joke and we both like to smoke and we both like to gamble a bit,
And that could be the makinÂ’s for a happy marriage, and since neither of us ever gonna die,
Well, we might as well start the honeymoon — you wanna cut the cards or should I?”
Now, the wedding night is a hundred years past and their garments have rotted to rags.
But face to face they sit in the flames, dealing five-card stud and one-eyed jacks.
And sometimes they play pinochle, sometimes they play gin,
And sometimes the Devil rakes in the pots, and sometimes the lady wins,
And sometimes they just sit and reminisce of the night when they first were wed.
From dawn to dawn the game goes on. . .They never go to bed.
From Playboy Magazine, January, 1979
Does this at all relate to the mind of an addict?
More Adult Poetry From Shel Silverstein (click here) (http://crazcowboy.tripod.com/Silverstein/shelist.htm)
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Posting here for 2 reasons:
1) Beg SWJ to come back and post some funny shit.
2)Bumping this thread for craving newbies. If you think you can't take the stress any longer, start at the bottom of the last page and read forward. You'll be out of your mood in no time. Save some more for reading later when it hits again.
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Posting here for 2 reasons:
1) Beg SWJ to come back and post some funny shit.
2)Bumping this thread for craving newbies. If you think you can't take the stress any longer, start at the bottom of the last page and read forward. You'll be out of your mood in no time. Save some more for reading later when it hits again.
True dis and dat Yota. "If I Was A Monster" is a personal favorite.
Enjoy newbs. You're in for treat!
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Holy shit! I'm like 2 threads in and I'm hooked. It's the Napoleon Dynamite of KTC.
Simply put, I will not miss hiding my dip can behind my ball sac.
There I said it.
Thanks for dusting this off.
Cover me, I'm going in .... 'Popcorn'
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In honor of SWJ: bike ad (http://docs.google.com/fileview?id=0B93nfUf5360cYjI5MzkwZDQtYTdiZC00ZjgwLWE2YjEtNWYwOTMzZTA1NmRl&hl=en).
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In honor of SWJ: bike ad (http://docs.google.com/fileview?id=0B93nfUf5360cYjI5MzkwZDQtYTdiZC00ZjgwLWE2YjEtNWYwOTMzZTA1NmRl&hl=en).
I wondered what he was up to these days.... guess I know now.
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In honor of SWJ: bike ad (http://docs.google.com/fileview?id=0B93nfUf5360cYjI5MzkwZDQtYTdiZC00ZjgwLWE2YjEtNWYwOTMzZTA1NmRl&hl=en).
I wondered what he was up to these days.... guess I know now.
Did he ever give a reason for leaving or is he stuffing his awesome face with shit again?
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In honor of SWJ: bike ad (http://docs.google.com/fileview?id=0B93nfUf5360cYjI5MzkwZDQtYTdiZC00ZjgwLWE2YjEtNWYwOTMzZTA1NmRl&hl=en).
I wondered what he was up to these days.... guess I know now.
thanks for bumping this...some damn funny shit. I've enjoyed reading so far.
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In honor of SWJ: bike ad (http://docs.google.com/fileview?id=0B93nfUf5360cYjI5MzkwZDQtYTdiZC00ZjgwLWE2YjEtNWYwOTMzZTA1NmRl&hl=en).
I wondered what he was up to these days.... guess I know now.
thanks for bumping this...some damn funny shit. I've enjoyed reading so far.
SWJ is an artist... if you need to pass some time.. read his posts !!!!!
Very funny
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I don't know what SWJ stands for, so I'll just assume it's an acronym for the Latin phrase that translates to "the pinnacle of awesomeness."
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I don't know what SWJ stands for, so I'll just assume it's an acronym for the Latin phrase that translates to "the pinnacle of awesomeness."
He is one funny ass dude. I would like to see him come back and post again. One post a week would work for me. A nice funny ass Monday morning post.
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In honor of SWJ: bike ad (http://docs.google.com/fileview?id=0B93nfUf5360cYjI5MzkwZDQtYTdiZC00ZjgwLWE2YjEtNWYwOTMzZTA1NmRl&hl=en).
Roy...What an AWESOME find. Goddamn hysterical.
And for those inquiring: I have nothing to report about SWJ, unfortunately. He did not answer a couple texts I sent several weeks ago. KTC is dead to him. (Or, I can at least say that *I* am dead to him.) Whether or not he's caved is unknown...(but very unlikely).
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Other Awesome Things To Bring Back Besides Me
1) The Six-Million Dollar Man
2) Blackjack Gum
3) Ninja movies
4) The original Pink Floyd
5) That drunk chick I banged that time at Six Flags
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Other Awesome Things To Bring Back Besides Me
1) The Six-Million Dollar Man
2) Blackjack Gum
3) Ninja movies
4) The original Pink Floyd
5) That drunk chick I banged that time at Six Flags
I feel like I should bow. Welcome back
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Other Awesome Things To Bring Back Besides Me
1) The Six-Million Dollar Man
2) Blackjack Gum
3) Ninja movies
4) The original Pink Floyd
5) That drunk chick I banged that time at Six Flags
Better yet, American Ninja movies...
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Ha! Blackjack gum. MFer
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Other Awesome Things To Bring Back Besides Me
1) The Six-Million Dollar Man
2) Blackjack Gum
3) Ninja movies
4) The original Pink Floyd
5) That drunk chick I banged that time at Six Flags
What??????? You still alive and quit you fucker????? 'bout time you showed your ass back up!!! We had written you off as caved and gone!!! I'll find that drunk chick so you can bang her again if you'll come back and post here again!!! I miss all your funny shit you used to post!! Get ur ass busy and post up some more 'hurry' : 'impatient' 'impatient' 'impatient'
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Other Awesome Things To Bring Back Besides Me
1) The Six-Million Dollar Man
2) Blackjack Gum
3) Ninja movies
4) The original Pink Floyd
5) That drunk chick I banged that time at Six Flags
What??????? You still alive and quit you fucker????? 'bout time you showed your ass back up!!! We had written you off as caved and gone!!! I'll find that drunk chick so you can bang her again if you'll come back and post here again!!! I miss all your funny shit you used to post!! Get ur ass busy and post up some more 'hurry' : 'impatient' 'impatient' 'impatient'
Found her. (http://www.toptenz.net/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/jessicafletcher.jpg)
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The Legend Of Big Red
I was in the store the other day.
You know, buying bullets and porno mags and stuff.
Checking out at the register though, I peeped the Big Red gum and it reminded me of a legendary tale.
Back in the day, when I was dominating college life, I ended up back at this chick's room after us both having consumed a sinister amount of alcohol.
I started doing some of my moves on her and she was digging it. Really, she was in awe.
Breathing heavy and panting and shit.
Now at that time, if you were a girl and you breathed loudly around me, I took that to mean that you wanted me to take your pants off.
You have no idea how many times I got smacked in the face by girls with asthma...
Anyway, this chick was definitely into it.
Pants came off and her playground was open for business.
I thought that I'd show her some of my magical mystery moves before I got to the main event, so I went to work on her Danger Zone.
I remember going to town on her muff and doing an awesome job, but I don't remember much after that.
Until the next morning when I felt her elbowing me...
HER: Hey.
ME: ...
HER: Hey. Wake the fuck up.
ME: What?
HER: Look what you did.
So I thought it was a little weird that she was pointing to her bush, until I eyeballed it.
Turns out, that wad of gum that fell out of my mouth sometime the night before...?
She found it.
That shit was all gnarled up in her bush.
I swear, I didn't remember having THAT much gum in my mouth, but that glob of Big Red was huge.
It looked like she was wearing underpants made of gum.
And she was pissed.
So, I told her not to worry.
Told her I'd gotten chewing gum unstuck from vaginas like a million times before.
Then I told her that I needed to go get a hairbrush, some paint thinner, and a putty knife.
And then I left, which was awesome.
To this day, I can't even smell Big Red gum without thinking about that girl's bush, which is also kind of awesome.
-
The Legend Of Big Red
I was in the store the other day.
You know, buying bullets and porno mags and stuff.
Checking out at the register though, I peeped the Big Red gum and it reminded me of a legendary tale.
Back in the day, when I was dominating college life, I ended up back at this chick's room after us both having consumed a sinister amount of alcohol.
I started doing some of my moves on her and she was digging it. Really, she was in awe.
Breathing heavy and panting and shit.
Now at that time, if you were a girl and you breathed loudly around me, I took that to mean that you wanted me to take your pants off.
You have no idea how many times I got smacked in the face by girls with asthma...
Anyway, this chick was definitely into it.
Pants came off and her playground was open for business.
I thought that I'd show her some of my magical mystery moves before I got to the main event, so I went to work on her Danger Zone.
I remember going to town on her muff and doing an awesome job, but I don't remember much after that.
Until the next morning when I felt her elbowing me...
HER: Hey.
ME: ...
HER: Hey. Wake the fuck up.
ME: What?
HER: Look what you did.
So I thought it was a little weird that she was pointing to her bush, until I eyeballed it.
Turns out, that wad of gum that fell out of my mouth sometime the night before...?
She found it.
That shit was all gnarled up in her bush.
I swear, I didn't remember having THAT much gum in my mouth, but that glob of Big Red was huge.
It looked like she was wearing underpants made of gum.
And she was pissed.
So, I told her not to worry.
Told her I'd gotten chewing gum unstuck from vaginas like a million times before.
Then I told her that I needed to go get a hairbrush, some paint thinner, and a putty knife.
And then I left, which was awesome.
To this day, I can't even smell Big Red gum without thinking about that girl's bush, which is also kind of awesome.
I was going to quote some of my favorite lines from this one but the entire post is a masterpiece.
I'm frigin' crying here. Thanks for coming back SWJ.
'crackup' 'crackup'
-
The Legend Of Big Red
I was in the store the other day.
You know, buying bullets and porno mags and stuff.
Checking out at the register though, I peeped the Big Red gum and it reminded me of a legendary tale.
Back in the day, when I was dominating college life, I ended up back at this chick's room after us both having consumed a sinister amount of alcohol.
I started doing some of my moves on her and she was digging it. Really, she was in awe.
Breathing heavy and panting and shit.
Now at that time, if you were a girl and you breathed loudly around me, I took that to mean that you wanted me to take your pants off.
You have no idea how many times I got smacked in the face by girls with asthma...
Anyway, this chick was definitely into it.
Pants came off and her playground was open for business.
I thought that I'd show her some of my magical mystery moves before I got to the main event, so I went to work on her Danger Zone.
I remember going to town on her muff and doing an awesome job, but I don't remember much after that.
Until the next morning when I felt her elbowing me...
HER:Â Hey.
ME:Â ...
HER: Hey. Wake the fuck up.
ME:Â What?
HER:Â Look what you did.
So I thought it was a little weird that she was pointing to her bush, until I eyeballed it.
Turns out, that wad of gum that fell out of my mouth sometime the night before...?Â
She found it.
That shit was all gnarled up in her bush.Â
I swear, I didn't remember having THAT much gum in my mouth, but that glob of Big Red was huge.
It looked like she was wearing underpants made of gum.
And she was pissed.
So, I told her not to worry.Â
Told her I'd gotten chewing gum unstuck from vaginas like a million times before.
Then I told her that I needed to go get a hairbrush, some paint thinner, and a putty knife.
And then I left, which was awesome.
To this day, I can't even smell Big Red gum without thinking about that girl's bush, which is also kind of awesome.
I was going to quote some of my favorite lines from this one but the entire post is a masterpiece.
I'm frigin' crying here. Thanks for coming back SWJ.
'crackup' 'crackup'
I'll second that!!! Things were a little boring :( in here while you were gone!!! Glad you are back!!!
-
The Legend Of Big Red
I was in the store the other day.
You know, buying bullets and porno mags and stuff.
Checking out at the register though, I peeped the Big Red gum and it reminded me of a legendary tale.
Back in the day, when I was dominating college life, I ended up back at this chick's room after us both having consumed a sinister amount of alcohol.
I started doing some of my moves on her and she was digging it. Really, she was in awe.
Breathing heavy and panting and shit.
Now at that time, if you were a girl and you breathed loudly around me, I took that to mean that you wanted me to take your pants off.
You have no idea how many times I got smacked in the face by girls with asthma...
Anyway, this chick was definitely into it.
Pants came off and her playground was open for business.
I thought that I'd show her some of my magical mystery moves before I got to the main event, so I went to work on her Danger Zone.
I remember going to town on her muff and doing an awesome job, but I don't remember much after that.
Until the next morning when I felt her elbowing me...
HER:Â Hey.
ME:Â ...
HER: Hey. Wake the fuck up.
ME:Â What?
HER:Â Look what you did.
So I thought it was a little weird that she was pointing to her bush, until I eyeballed it.
Turns out, that wad of gum that fell out of my mouth sometime the night before...?Â
She found it.
That shit was all gnarled up in her bush.Â
I swear, I didn't remember having THAT much gum in my mouth, but that glob of Big Red was huge.
It looked like she was wearing underpants made of gum.
And she was pissed.
So, I told her not to worry.Â
Told her I'd gotten chewing gum unstuck from vaginas like a million times before.
Then I told her that I needed to go get a hairbrush, some paint thinner, and a putty knife.
And then I left, which was awesome.
To this day, I can't even smell Big Red gum without thinking about that girl's bush, which is also kind of awesome.
I was going to quote some of my favorite lines from this one but the entire post is a masterpiece.
I'm frigin' crying here. Thanks for coming back SWJ.
'crackup' 'crackup'
I guess that makes it a big red bush, banging red heads is always cool.
-
The Legend Of Big Red
I was in the store the other day.
You know, buying bullets and porno mags and stuff.
Checking out at the register though, I peeped the Big Red gum and it reminded me of a legendary tale.
Back in the day, when I was dominating college life, I ended up back at this chick's room after us both having consumed a sinister amount of alcohol.
I started doing some of my moves on her and she was digging it. Really, she was in awe.
Breathing heavy and panting and shit.
Now at that time, if you were a girl and you breathed loudly around me, I took that to mean that you wanted me to take your pants off.
You have no idea how many times I got smacked in the face by girls with asthma...
Anyway, this chick was definitely into it.
Pants came off and her playground was open for business.
I thought that I'd show her some of my magical mystery moves before I got to the main event, so I went to work on her Danger Zone.
I remember going to town on her muff and doing an awesome job, but I don't remember much after that.
Until the next morning when I felt her elbowing me...
HER:Â Hey.
ME:Â ...
HER: Hey. Wake the fuck up.
ME:Â What?
HER:Â Look what you did.
So I thought it was a little weird that she was pointing to her bush, until I eyeballed it.
Turns out, that wad of gum that fell out of my mouth sometime the night before...?Â
She found it.
That shit was all gnarled up in her bush.Â
I swear, I didn't remember having THAT much gum in my mouth, but that glob of Big Red was huge.
It looked like she was wearing underpants made of gum.
And she was pissed.
So, I told her not to worry.Â
Told her I'd gotten chewing gum unstuck from vaginas like a million times before.
Then I told her that I needed to go get a hairbrush, some paint thinner, and a putty knife.
And then I left, which was awesome.
To this day, I can't even smell Big Red gum without thinking about that girl's bush, which is also kind of awesome.
I was going to quote some of my favorite lines from this one but the entire post is a masterpiece.
I'm frigin' crying here. Thanks for coming back SWJ.
'crackup' 'crackup'
I guess that makes it a big red bush, banging red heads is always cool.
she deserved it for not shaving.
-
"underpants made of gum"
Priceless
-
The Legend Of Big Red
I was in the store the other day.
You know, buying bullets and porno mags and stuff.
Checking out at the register though, I peeped the Big Red gum and it reminded me of a legendary tale.
Back in the day, when I was dominating college life, I ended up back at this chick's room after us both having consumed a sinister amount of alcohol.
I started doing some of my moves on her and she was digging it. Really, she was in awe.
Breathing heavy and panting and shit.
Now at that time, if you were a girl and you breathed loudly around me, I took that to mean that you wanted me to take your pants off.
You have no idea how many times I got smacked in the face by girls with asthma...
Anyway, this chick was definitely into it.
Pants came off and her playground was open for business.
I thought that I'd show her some of my magical mystery moves before I got to the main event, so I went to work on her Danger Zone.
I remember going to town on her muff and doing an awesome job, but I don't remember much after that.
Until the next morning when I felt her elbowing me...
HER:Â Hey.
ME:Â ...
HER: Hey. Wake the fuck up.
ME:Â What?
HER:Â Look what you did.
So I thought it was a little weird that she was pointing to her bush, until I eyeballed it.
Turns out, that wad of gum that fell out of my mouth sometime the night before...?Â
She found it.
That shit was all gnarled up in her bush.Â
I swear, I didn't remember having THAT much gum in my mouth, but that glob of Big Red was huge.
It looked like she was wearing underpants made of gum.
And she was pissed.
So, I told her not to worry.Â
Told her I'd gotten chewing gum unstuck from vaginas like a million times before.
Then I told her that I needed to go get a hairbrush, some paint thinner, and a putty knife.
And then I left, which was awesome.
To this day, I can't even smell Big Red gum without thinking about that girl's bush, which is also kind of awesome.
I was going to quote some of my favorite lines from this one but the entire post is a masterpiece.
I'm frigin' crying here. Thanks for coming back SWJ.
'crackup' 'crackup'
I guess that makes it a big red bush, banging red heads is always cool.
she deserved it for not shaving.
Very funny shit.... !!! Thanks !!
'crackup'
-
If I Was A Cannibal
I was in line at the Dunkin Donuts drive-through this morning and I saw this dude getting out of his car.
Now let me set this up: This cat probably went 350 if he was a pound. His belt was buckled just underneath his armpits and his ass was halfway up his back.
This fattopotamus could have gotten his wallet out by reaching over his shoulder.
I peeped him leaning on his car, huffing and sweating, before he limped and shuffled inside to get his 28 donuts or whatever.
And, as I watched this walking tragedy I thought to myself...
If I ate people like a lion eats wildebeests, I would definitely take this guy down.
Now everybody's seen a Discovery Channel show where the lion chases down some wild-eyed deeralope.
I would dominate that shit.
Fat, gimpy people pulling in to Burger King would never see me hunkered down behind the bushes.
I'd pass on the fit people who looked like they could run fast.
I'd wait to pick out the small, slow ones or the big fat ones.
They'd saunter across the parking lot and would never even know I was there until I sprang out to chase them.
And then they'd squeal and start to limp around as if I wasn't going to catch them, but I would.
I'd run up behind them and swat them in the ass with my paw, just to let them know that I bring the fucking thunder.
I'd chase them around in circles for a while to tire them out.
Then I'd jump on their backs and haul them to the ground and lay on them while they kicked and squealed.
It would be awesome.
Anyway, as the Dunkin Donuts guy was gasping and schlepping across the parking lot this morning, I was thinking about all of this.
But then the Dunkin Donuts girls saw me and started clapping and giggling and making out with each other, so I chose to get coffee instead.
Lucky for that guy...
-
The only thing funnier than something like "just to let them know that I bring the fucking thunder" is when my two-year-old says shit like "I can eat that?" when looking down at the turd he just blasted into the toilet.
No, son...you cannot eat that.
As far as I know.
S-Dub-J...I need not say that your presence is more awesome than making Mike Greenwell sign my tits at a baseball card convention.
-
And you got me thinking about something:
The easiest humans to catch and eat (the fat) would also be the best meal.
This is not so in the animal kingdom, where the easiest prey to catch, babies and crippled animals, are small and/or skinny.
-
oh thank god you are back...hope everything is well and you crack my fat ass up
-
What do you suppose that fat fucker would say if he really knew what you were thinking at that exact moment?
....back away slooooooowwwwwlly - no sudden movements...... almost safe inside.......
'crackup'
-
Daniel Tosh on cannibalism (http://www.google.com/url?q=http://popup.lala.com/popup/360569475252224366&ei=IuXhS5TbFYOBlAfa092TAg&sa=X&oi=music_play_track&resnum=1&ct=result&cd=2&ved=0CBMQ0wQoADAA&usg=AFQjCNFOmuD-SOaSY1UFR2geC8H87cOLbQ)
-
Had the shittiest day ever until I read the word fattopottamus. Anybody know how to get half eaten tortilla chips out of a keyboard? Glad your back
sm
-
I didn't think I would actually be able to reach the keyboard from the floor.
'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup'
-
SWJ,
All I can say is dammit. I can no longer read your page while I am at work. Sitting in my office laughing at my computer draws attention from the bosses.
That is some funny shit, and you are a funny sumanabitch!! Keep posting.... glad to see you back.
-
Had the shittiest day ever until I read the word fattopottamus. Anybody know how to get half eaten tortilla chips out of a keyboard? Glad your back
sm
-
Lo Pan's crotch pocket gotta be big enough to hold at least two pot belly pigs. This is true for three reasons, Lo Pan has huge balls, wears a housecoat, and will fuck some bacon up. Everyone knows that the cuter the source, the better the meat.
-
Holy shit, SWJ...I think you have found your Judas! Jaydisco is the ultimate disciple! I can't fucking believe he referenced one of your own man rules. I seriously can't believe it. He is unique and must be trusted, cultivated and rewarded.
yeah, but fuck trophies...
SWJ, When are you giving out the next Buttfucking trophy?
-
Nobody puts Baby in a corner.
This thread must be stickied, pinned, pegged...whatever the hell we call it here...because it is utter genius. The comedic value should keep it permanently located on Introductions Page 1.
-
We're wating for the next installment!!! 'impatient' 'impatient' 'impatient' Where are you SWJ?????
-
Happy birthday. Come back.
Newbies, enjoy.
-
'crackup'
-
I've spent all morning reading this page. Truly the best shit I've read on this site.
-
Time to bump perhaps the single best thread on the site.....
pure......fucking....genius......
-
Time to bump perhaps the single best thread on the site.....
pure......fucking....genius......
Holy shit I just pissed myself! I'm only on the second page and if this isn't the funniest post on here I can't read anymore while at work!!!
index.php?show...dpostp=5163945 (http://forum.killthecan.org/index.php?showtopic=2349&view=findpost&p=5163945)
-
Time to bump perhaps the single best thread on the site.....
pure......fucking....genius......
Holy shit I just pissed myself! I'm only on the second page and if this isn't the funniest post on here I can't read anymore while at work!!!
index.php?show...dpostp=5163945 (http://forum.killthecan.org/index.php?showtopic=2349&view=findpost&p=5163945)
Good Shit here!
-
Time to bump perhaps the single best thread on the site.....
pure......fucking....genius......
Holy shit I just pissed myself! I'm only on the second page and if this isn't the funniest post on here I can't read anymore while at work!!!
index.php?show...dpostp=5163945 (http://forum.killthecan.org/index.php?showtopic=2349&view=findpost&p=5163945)
Good Shit here!
This is an amazing read. I suggest it from start to finish for all the new guys.
I sure wish he was still adding to it
-
That is some of the funniest shit I have ever read. Will provide me with months of quotes.
-
That is some of the funniest shit I have ever read. Will provide me with months of quotes.
bump
-
That is some of the funniest shit I have ever read. Will provide me with months of quotes.
bump
SWJ is a funny sumanabitch. He needs to get back here and provide a new post each week....
-
That is some of the funniest shit I have ever read. Will provide me with months of quotes.
bump
SWJ is a funny sumanabitch. He needs to get back here and provide a new post each week....
damn, i saw his intro come up as recent and thought he had returned! :(
-
I had to bump this thread to the top. If you haven't read this....well, you need to.
Pure awesome.
-
Yesterday, I decided to cave.
36 days ago, I decided to stop dipping, for the sake of my wife and two little boys. I used dip tobacco for years, and really, genuinely enjoyed it. However, three weeks ago I decided to stop, for the three most important people in my life.
And I did. Cold turkey. Frankly, it was pretty easy. I found the KTC site and posted every day, I read the posts from dudes who were having a really tough time with their Quit, and I posted a few words of encouragement. I had never tried to quit before, but I was really proud of having gone three weeks without any tobacco.
But yesterday I decided to cave.
My wife and two boys left for a week on vacation. This, my friends, would be prime dipping time - I could put a wad of Grizzly in, sit in front of the TV, and just enjoy it... I literally thought about it for a week. To be honest, I could hardly wait.
They left. I waved to them. And I made two more decisions...
I Will Always Be Stronger Than Any Vice. And I Will Never Cave.
The verbal abuse that I would get in my Quit Forum here on KTC doesn't scare me in the least - If I ever decided to cave, I just wouldn't show up here anymore.
But I would know.
I would know that I was weak. And I Am Not Weak.
I would know that I let my family down. And They Are Everything To Me.
I would know that I lied to my boys. And I Am The Greatest Dad Ever.
I am a husband.
I am a father.
I am a member of KTC April 2009.
And I Am A Quitter.
You rock dude. One of the best posts I've read right there. I never see your name around but I would assume that you are still out there and successfully quit.
-
Yesterday, I decided to cave.
36 days ago, I decided to stop dipping, for the sake of my wife and two little boys. I used dip tobacco for years, and really, genuinely enjoyed it. However, three weeks ago I decided to stop, for the three most important people in my life.Â
And I did. Cold turkey. Frankly, it was pretty easy. I found the KTC site and posted every day, I read the posts from dudes who were having a really tough time with their Quit, and I posted a few words of encouragement. I had never tried to quit before, but I was really proud of having gone three weeks without any tobacco.
But yesterday I decided to cave.
My wife and two boys left for a week on vacation. This, my friends, would be prime dipping time - I could put a wad of Grizzly in, sit in front of the TV, and just enjoy it... I literally thought about it for a week. To be honest, I could hardly wait.
They left. I waved to them. And I made two more decisions...
I Will Always Be Stronger Than Any Vice. And I Will Never Cave.
The verbal abuse that I would get in my Quit Forum here on KTC doesn't scare me in the least - If I ever decided to cave, I just wouldn't show up here anymore.
But I would know.
I would know that I was weak. And I Am Not Weak.
I would know that I let my family down. And They Are Everything To Me.
I would know that I lied to my boys. And I Am The Greatest Dad Ever.
I am a husband.
I am a father.
I am a member of KTC April 2009.
And I Am A Quitter.
You rock dude. One of the best posts I've read right there. I never see your name around but I would assume that you are still out there and successfully quit.
Now go find his other intro page. It's buried deep and needs a bump.
-
Yesterday, I decided to cave.
36 days ago, I decided to stop dipping, for the sake of my wife and two little boys. I used dip tobacco for years, and really, genuinely enjoyed it. However, three weeks ago I decided to stop, for the three most important people in my life.Â
And I did. Cold turkey. Frankly, it was pretty easy. I found the KTC site and posted every day, I read the posts from dudes who were having a really tough time with their Quit, and I posted a few words of encouragement. I had never tried to quit before, but I was really proud of having gone three weeks without any tobacco.
But yesterday I decided to cave.
My wife and two boys left for a week on vacation. This, my friends, would be prime dipping time - I could put a wad of Grizzly in, sit in front of the TV, and just enjoy it... I literally thought about it for a week. To be honest, I could hardly wait.
They left. I waved to them. And I made two more decisions...
I Will Always Be Stronger Than Any Vice. And I Will Never Cave.
The verbal abuse that I would get in my Quit Forum here on KTC doesn't scare me in the least - If I ever decided to cave, I just wouldn't show up here anymore.
But I would know.
I would know that I was weak. And I Am Not Weak.
I would know that I let my family down. And They Are Everything To Me.
I would know that I lied to my boys. And I Am The Greatest Dad Ever.
I am a husband.
I am a father.
I am a member of KTC April 2009.
And I Am A Quitter.
You rock dude. One of the best posts I've read right there. I never see your name around but I would assume that you are still out there and successfully quit.
Now go find his other intro page. It's buried deep and needs a bump.
Legendary.
-
Bump for SmokeyG...his page is WAAAAY better than yours.
-
Bump for SmokeyG...his page is WAAAAY better than yours.
I don't know Miles....SWJ is one piss your pants funny mofo, but their aint no karaoke here.
-
First page is hilarious. Going to keep reading this.
-
This should be required reading for all Newbs---have fun!
Where is SWJ--does anyone know?
-
Absolutely hysterical! Where is this dude?
-
bump. read this page. it will take your mind off a crave.
-
More people should be reading this
-
More people should be reading this
Yes. This is the most entertaining thread on the entire site.
-
More people should be reading this
Yes. This is the most entertaining thread on the entire site.
This thread is a masterpiece. Where the hell is this guy? I can't stop looking at his avatar . . . it cracks me up.
-
More people should be reading this
Yes. This is the most entertaining thread on the entire site.
This thread is a masterpiece. Where the hell is this guy? I can't stop looking at his avatar . . . it cracks me up.
SWJ is indeed awesome.
'worship'
-
Killing Weeds Kicking Ass
Yesterday, I was getting ready to kill some weeds.
It might come as no surprise to you that I don't kill weeds like a pussy.
None of that pluck-them-out-of-the-ground-one-by-one shit.
No thank you.
I prefer the weedocide method of spraying the weed and every living thing around it with a Napalm carcinogen.
I kill weeds like I do everything else.
I kick ass.
However, not wanting to kill the other shit around my weeds, I was trying to figure out if the stuff I was going to hit them with was going to decimate my grass.
Then, the epiphany.
My neighbor has some of the same weeds - I could just spray his shit and see how much of it died.
So, I was mixing up four gallons of liquid death when my wife came out into the garage.
HER: What are you doing...?
ME:
HER: Hey.
ME: What...?
HER: I said, what are you doing...?
ME: An experiment.
HER: What kind of experiment...? What are you talking about...?
ME: Don't worry about it.
HER: Don't you spray that stuff on the neighbor's lawn.
So, while in my mind, I drop kicked her in the face for bossing me around, I actually lied.
I told her that I would never do anything like that and asked her what kind of insensitive clod she took me for.
Then, when she went back inside, I went over and sprayed my neighbor's flowerbed.
This morning, I went to see how much of his shit had wrinkled up and died, and he came out of his garage and tried to bust me.
DOUCHE NEIGHBOR: Hey there, neighbor! Top o' the morning to you!
ME:
DOUCHE NEIGHBOR: Whatcha doin there...?
ME: Seeing what happens when I spray weed killer on your flower beds.
DOUCHE NEIGHBOR: Hahahaha...!
And that's how you handle shit.
I can not stop LAUGHING! Oh m God, this shit is funny.
We need to track this guy down.
-
Fuckin hilarious! Glad I found this thread. Don't know what happened to SWJ, but I hope he comes back and posts some more.
So here's a bump.
This thread has helped this newb keep his mind off of craves.
If you're a newb goto the very last page, and read it from start to finish.
You'll be crying from laughing so hard.
-
LOL!! I'm gonna stop readin this and save it fer a crave. This is makin my eyes water. Hilarious!!! Buck
-
A Brief Reflection On The Douche
I'm fascinated by the douche.
So much fascination have I, that I looked up some shit about douches.
Here is some of the vaginal propaganda that I found, and I'm not making this shit up.
"...The depth of the Summer's Eve® product line has options for every woman, whether she wants a daily freshening routine or just occasional odor protection. Summer's Eve® can fit even the busiest lifestyle with on-the-go options, perfect for gym bags or purses, so every woman can enjoy a fresh, clean feeling all day, every day..."
Now first of all, a "daily freshening routine" to me means that you chew some fucking Juicy Fruit.
Or that you rub some SpeedStick on your shirt before going to your wedding ceremony.
It does not mean that you pour the equivalent of a 32oz Big Gulp in your cake hole.
That's gross.
And second of all, even if a bitch needs to hose out her shit, is it really that important that she be able to do it "on-the-go"...?
What the fuck does that mean anyway...?
On an escalator...? Waiting in line at Starbucks...? In Coach on an airplane...?
My opinion = Douching and "on-the-go" should have nothing to do with each other.
Here's another excerpt regarding the care of your honeypot -
"...Summer's Eve® products also are professionally tested to ensure their safety so a woman shouldn't worry that our products will cause irritation or harsh reactions..."
Hold the fuck on.
Professionally tested...? Can you imagine working at that crab lab...?
ME: Hey.
YOU: What...?
ME: That licorice douche you came up with...?
YOU: Yeah, what about it...?
ME: We had it professionally tested.
YOU: So...?
ME: Box #1 swelled up a little.
YOU: So what...?
ME: By "a little" I mean that the shit looks like the Lincoln Tunnel with hair on it.
YOU: Dang.
And how do you get the job of "professional douche tester" anyway...?
The CEO of Massengill get a whiff of your fly-blown cakehole at the local grocery store or some shit...?
"Excuse me madam, but holy mother of god, your pie stinks. We could really use a cooch like yours down at the lab."
Plus, this whole business of douchery is simply not fair to dudes.
Try entering "my balls stink" or even "my crotch is rank" into your Google search bar.
Nothing, right?
There's no comparable product for a dude whose gootch smells like a trash fire.
And even if there was, no self-respecting dude would buy it.
A real man would just smear SpeedStick on his shit.
Bitches need to just lighten up and have sex with us more often.
Anything that you keep closed up tight all the time is going to smell bad after a while.
Holy shit this guy is freaking funny, where the hell is he now? 'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup'
-
A Brief Reflection On The Douche
I'm fascinated by the douche.
So much fascination have I, that I looked up some shit about douches.
Here is some of the vaginal propaganda that I found, and I'm not making this shit up.
"...The depth of the Summer's Eve® product line has options for every woman, whether she wants a daily freshening routine or just occasional odor protection. Summer's Eve® can fit even the busiest lifestyle with on-the-go options, perfect for gym bags or purses, so every woman can enjoy a fresh, clean feeling all day, every day..."
Now first of all, a "daily freshening routine" to me means that you chew some fucking Juicy Fruit.
Or that you rub some SpeedStick on your shirt before going to your wedding ceremony.
It does not mean that you pour the equivalent of a 32oz Big Gulp in your cake hole.
That's gross.
And second of all, even if a bitch needs to hose out her shit, is it really that important that she be able to do it "on-the-go"...?
What the fuck does that mean anyway...?
On an escalator...? Waiting in line at Starbucks...? In Coach on an airplane...?
My opinion = Douching and "on-the-go" should have nothing to do with each other.
Here's another excerpt regarding the care of your honeypot -
"...Summer's Eve® products also are professionally tested to ensure their safety so a woman shouldn't worry that our products will cause irritation or harsh reactions..."
Hold the fuck on.
Professionally tested...? Can you imagine working at that crab lab...?
ME:Â Hey.
YOU:Â What...?
ME:Â That licorice douche you came up with...?
YOU:Â Yeah, what about it...?
ME:Â We had it professionally tested.
YOU:Â So...?
ME:Â Box #1 swelled up a little.
YOU:Â So what...?
ME:Â By "a little" I mean that the shit looks like the Lincoln Tunnel with hair on it.
YOU:Â Dang.
And how do you get the job of "professional douche tester" anyway...?
The CEO of Massengill get a whiff of your fly-blown cakehole at the local grocery store or some shit...?
"Excuse me madam, but holy mother of god, your pie stinks. We could really use a cooch like yours down at the lab."
Plus, this whole business of douchery is simply not fair to dudes.
Try entering "my balls stink" or even "my crotch is rank" into your Google search bar.
Nothing, right?
There's no comparable product for a dude whose gootch smells like a trash fire.
And even if there was, no self-respecting dude would buy it.
A real man would just smear SpeedStick on his shit.
Bitches need to just lighten up and have sex with us more often.
Anything that you keep closed up tight all the time is going to smell bad after a while.
Holy shit this guy is freaking funny, where the hell is he now? 'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup'
Don't know where he is now, but he needs to get back on here!!
But on the same note, as long as he's not caving I am happy for him and hope he's spending al ot of time with his wife and kids.
-
holy shit! :o Somebody get that man a TV show!
-
I spent many of hours ready this guys shit, good way to kill the crave
-
Bump.
-
When I read some of the things I wrote here, I want to throw up. So before I get to the official introduction, let me get some things out on the table...
1. This site has helped me more than anything else I've ever tried in my Quit.
2. I rocked it while I was here.
3. I didn't stay.
4. I caved.
5. I own my douchery and my weakness.
6. I'm back and more determined this time.
Here, while we're talking about my idiocy, are some of the awesome things I wrote in my initial introduction -
"...I Will Always Be Stronger Than Any Vice. And I Will Never Cave..."
I wasn't. And I did.
"...If I ever decided to cave, I just wouldn't show up here anymore...
I did. And I didn't.
"...And I Am Not Weak..."
Alone, at least, I am.
"...I am a member of KTC April 2009, And I Am A Quitter...
I was. And now I am a Quitter again. For the second time.
Now, I know I'm not the only one who has ever caved, but I was absolutely sure that my inherent awesomeness would overcome any cravings and it did, for a while. After some time though, I got even more cocky than I usually am, and I stopped coming here. Stopped logging in. Stopped conversing with my fellow Quitters.
I thought I could continue my Quit on my own. And I was wrong.
So, here I am. Back again.
For the 2nd time, which I never thought would happen to me.
Quitting sucked, but not as much as caving, so here's what I'm going to do:
I'm going to go to the June 2012 group and log in my Day #1.
Then I'm going to go to the April 2009 group and apologize.
Then I'm going to lean on the people I should have been leaning on all along.
-
When I read some of the things I wrote here, I want to throw up. So before I get to the official introduction, let me get some things out on the table...
1. This site has helped me more than anything else I've ever tried in my Quit.
2. I rocked it while I was here.
3. I didn't stay.
4. I caved.
5. I own my douchery and my weakness.
6. I'm back and more determined this time.
Here, while we're talking about my idiocy, are some of the awesome things I wrote in my initial introduction -
"...I Will Always Be Stronger Than Any Vice. And I Will Never Cave..."
I wasn't. And I did.
"...If I ever decided to cave, I just wouldn't show up here anymore...
I did. And I didn't.
"...And I Am Not Weak..."
Alone, at least, I am.
"...I am a member of KTC April 2009, And I Am A Quitter...
I was. And now I am a Quitter again. For the second time.
Now, I know I'm not the only one who has ever caved, but I was absolutely sure that my inherent awesomeness would overcome any cravings and it did, for a while. After some time though, I got even more cocky than I usually am, and I stopped coming here. Stopped logging in. Stopped conversing with my fellow Quitters.
I thought I could continue my Quit on my own. And I was wrong.
So, here I am. Back again.
For the 2nd time, which I never thought would happen to me.
Quitting sucked, but not as much as caving, so here's what I'm going to do:
I'm going to go to the June 2012 group and log in my Day #1.
Then I'm going to go to the April 2009 group and apologize.
Then I'm going to lean on the people I should have been leaning on all along.
WTF is this shit???????
Razd shakes his head in dismay and turns and walks away to go sit and reflect for a while.
-
When I read some of the things I wrote here, I want to throw up. So before I get to the official introduction, let me get some things out on the table...
1. This site has helped me more than anything else I've ever tried in my Quit.
2. I rocked it while I was here.
3. I didn't stay.
4. I caved.
5. I own my douchery and my weakness.
6. I'm back and more determined this time.
Here, while we're talking about my idiocy, are some of the awesome things I wrote in my initial introduction -
"...I Will Always Be Stronger Than Any Vice. And I Will Never Cave..."
I wasn't. And I did.
"...If I ever decided to cave, I just wouldn't show up here anymore...
I did. And I didn't.
"...And I Am Not Weak..."
Alone, at least, I am.
"...I am a member of KTC April 2009, And I Am A Quitter...
I was. And now I am a Quitter again. For the second time.
Now, I know I'm not the only one who has ever caved, but I was absolutely sure that my inherent awesomeness would overcome any cravings and it did, for a while. After some time though, I got even more cocky than I usually am, and I stopped coming here. Stopped logging in. Stopped conversing with my fellow Quitters.
I thought I could continue my Quit on my own. And I was wrong.
So, here I am. Back again.Â
For the 2nd time, which I never thought would happen to me.
Quitting sucked, but not as much as caving, so here's what I'm going to do:
I'm going to go to the June 2012 group and log in my Day #1.
Then I'm going to go to the April 2009 group and apologize.
Then I'm going to lean on the people I should have been leaning on all along.
C'mon man!!!! 'Crazy'
Did the HOF mean anything to you?
Did going thru all the bullshit mean nothing to you?
You might want to tell your old group what happened........
-
When I read some of the things I wrote here, I want to throw up. So before I get to the official introduction, let me get some things out on the table...
1. This site has helped me more than anything else I've ever tried in my Quit.
2. I rocked it while I was here.
3. I didn't stay.
4. I caved.
5. I own my douchery and my weakness.
6. I'm back and more determined this time.
Here, while we're talking about my idiocy, are some of the awesome things I wrote in my initial introduction -
"...I Will Always Be Stronger Than Any Vice. And I Will Never Cave..."
I wasn't. And I did.
"...If I ever decided to cave, I just wouldn't show up here anymore...
I did. And I didn't.
"...And I Am Not Weak..."
Alone, at least, I am.
"...I am a member of KTC April 2009, And I Am A Quitter...
I was. And now I am a Quitter again. For the second time.
Now, I know I'm not the only one who has ever caved, but I was absolutely sure that my inherent awesomeness would overcome any cravings and it did, for a while. After some time though, I got even more cocky than I usually am, and I stopped coming here. Stopped logging in. Stopped conversing with my fellow Quitters.
I thought I could continue my Quit on my own. And I was wrong.
So, here I am. Back again.Â
For the 2nd time, which I never thought would happen to me.
Quitting sucked, but not as much as caving, so here's what I'm going to do:
I'm going to go to the June 2012 group and log in my Day #1.
Then I'm going to go to the April 2009 group and apologize.
Then I'm going to lean on the people I should have been leaning on all along.
C'mon man!!!! 'Crazy'
Did the HOF mean anything to you?
Did going thru all the bullshit mean nothing to you?
You might want to tell your old group what happened........
Do you know how many folks have read your posts to pass craves or been helped by your quit advice? Unfuckinbelievable.
-
Bump.
Please use this thread which I and others have bumped numerous times for others struggling to take their mind off the quit.
No need to start a new thread.
-
When I read some of the things I wrote here, I want to throw up. So before I get to the official introduction, let me get some things out on the table...
1. This site has helped me more than anything else I've ever tried in my Quit.
2. I rocked it while I was here.
3. I didn't stay.
4. I caved.
5. I own my douchery and my weakness.
6. I'm back and more determined this time.
Here, while we're talking about my idiocy, are some of the awesome things I wrote in my initial introduction -
"...I Will Always Be Stronger Than Any Vice. And I Will Never Cave..."
I wasn't. And I did.
"...If I ever decided to cave, I just wouldn't show up here anymore...
I did. And I didn't.
"...And I Am Not Weak..."
Alone, at least, I am.
"...I am a member of KTC April 2009, And I Am A Quitter...
I was. And now I am a Quitter again. For the second time.
Now, I know I'm not the only one who has ever caved, but I was absolutely sure that my inherent awesomeness would overcome any cravings and it did, for a while. After some time though, I got even more cocky than I usually am, and I stopped coming here. Stopped logging in. Stopped conversing with my fellow Quitters.
I thought I could continue my Quit on my own. And I was wrong.
So, here I am. Back again.Â
For the 2nd time, which I never thought would happen to me.
Quitting sucked, but not as much as caving, so here's what I'm going to do:
I'm going to go to the June 2012 group and log in my Day #1.
Then I'm going to go to the April 2009 group and apologize.
Then I'm going to lean on the people I should have been leaning on all along.
C'mon man!!!! 'Crazy'
Did the HOF mean anything to you?
Did going thru all the bullshit mean nothing to you?
You might want to tell your old group what happened........
Do you know how many folks have read your posts to pass craves or been helped by your quit advice? Unfuckinbelievable.
I was one of the people that used your thread to pass the time and kill the craves in the early days. Hell, I even recommended that several others also read your thread. Fuck me. This shit pisses me off.
-
When I read some of the things I wrote here, I want to throw up. So before I get to the official introduction, let me get some things out on the table...
1. This site has helped me more than anything else I've ever tried in my Quit.
2. I rocked it while I was here.
3. I didn't stay.
4. I caved.
5. I own my douchery and my weakness.
6. I'm back and more determined this time.
Here, while we're talking about my idiocy, are some of the awesome things I wrote in my initial introduction -
"...I Will Always Be Stronger Than Any Vice. And I Will Never Cave..."
I wasn't. And I did.
"...If I ever decided to cave, I just wouldn't show up here anymore...
I did. And I didn't.
"...And I Am Not Weak..."
Alone, at least, I am.
"...I am a member of KTC April 2009, And I Am A Quitter...
I was. And now I am a Quitter again. For the second time.
Now, I know I'm not the only one who has ever caved, but I was absolutely sure that my inherent awesomeness would overcome any cravings and it did, for a while. After some time though, I got even more cocky than I usually am, and I stopped coming here. Stopped logging in. Stopped conversing with my fellow Quitters.
I thought I could continue my Quit on my own. And I was wrong.
So, here I am. Back again.Â
For the 2nd time, which I never thought would happen to me.
Quitting sucked, but not as much as caving, so here's what I'm going to do:
I'm going to go to the June 2012 group and log in my Day #1.
Then I'm going to go to the April 2009 group and apologize.
Then I'm going to lean on the people I should have been leaning on all along.
C'mon man!!!! 'Crazy'
Did the HOF mean anything to you?
Did going thru all the bullshit mean nothing to you?
You might want to tell your old group what happened........
Do you know how many folks have read your posts to pass craves or been helped by your quit advice? Unfuckinbelievable.
The fucking title says it all.
Somewhere I remember reading in your intro thread, something about how you will NEVER cave cuz you love your son so much.
Guess you love nicotine more than you love you son, huh?
There are people here (myself included) that put your shit up on a pedestal. Your into page is fucking BOOKMARKED on my computer.
Douche!
-
After I've finished kicking my own ass for the self-inflicted assholery imposed on my by my own Cave, I hope to post some Random Thoughts Of Awesomeness here. However, I think I'll wait until I at least have some more Days under my belt, simply out of respect for you folks who have done a better job at this than I have...
-
After I've finished kicking my own ass for the self-inflicted assholery imposed on my by my own Cave, I hope to post some Random Thoughts Of Awesomeness here. However, I think I'll wait until I at least have some more Days under my belt, simply out of respect for you folks who have done a better job at this than I have...
Day One AFTER A CAVE and you are already pulling out the "I'm Gonna Make This Into A Joke" and "Poor Me - Fuck You - I'm A Martyr" Cards?
Un-fucking-believable
-
When I read some of the things I wrote here, I want to throw up. So before I get to the official introduction, let me get some things out on the table...
1. This site has helped me more than anything else I've ever tried in my Quit.
2. I rocked it while I was here.
3. I didn't stay.
4. I caved.
5. I own my douchery and my weakness.
6. I'm back and more determined this time.
Here, while we're talking about my idiocy, are some of the awesome things I wrote in my initial introduction -
"...I Will Always Be Stronger Than Any Vice. And I Will Never Cave..."
I wasn't. And I did.
"...If I ever decided to cave, I just wouldn't show up here anymore...
I did. And I didn't.
"...And I Am Not Weak..."
Alone, at least, I am.
"...I am a member of KTC April 2009, And I Am A Quitter...
I was. And now I am a Quitter again. For the second time.
Now, I know I'm not the only one who has ever caved, but I was absolutely sure that my inherent awesomeness would overcome any cravings and it did, for a while. After some time though, I got even more cocky than I usually am, and I stopped coming here. Stopped logging in. Stopped conversing with my fellow Quitters.
I thought I could continue my Quit on my own. And I was wrong.
So, here I am. Back again.Â
For the 2nd time, which I never thought would happen to me.
Quitting sucked, but not as much as caving, so here's what I'm going to do:
I'm going to go to the June 2012 group and log in my Day #1.
Then I'm going to go to the April 2009 group and apologize.
Then I'm going to lean on the people I should have been leaning on all along.
C'mon man!!!! 'Crazy'
Did the HOF mean anything to you?
Did going thru all the bullshit mean nothing to you?
You might want to tell your old group what happened........
Do you know how many folks have read your posts to pass craves or been helped by your quit advice? Unfuckinbelievable.
The fucking title says it all.
Somewhere I remember reading in your intro thread, something about how you will NEVER cave cuz you love your son so much.
Guess you love nicotine more than you love you son, huh?
There are people here (myself included) that put your shit up on a pedestal. Your into page is fucking BOOKMARKED on my computer.
Douche!
NOLAQ, you need to take down his funny posts cuz this douche is no longer funny and should never be looked up to again.
I too used to put him on a quit pedestal and giggle like a little girl at his humor.
NO MORE.
'Finger'
-
When I read some of the things I wrote here, I want to throw up. So before I get to the official introduction, let me get some things out on the table...
1. This site has helped me more than anything else I've ever tried in my Quit.
2. I rocked it while I was here.
3. I didn't stay.
4. I caved.
5. I own my douchery and my weakness.
6. I'm back and more determined this time.
Here, while we're talking about my idiocy, are some of the awesome things I wrote in my initial introduction -
"...I Will Always Be Stronger Than Any Vice. And I Will Never Cave..."
I wasn't. And I did.
"...If I ever decided to cave, I just wouldn't show up here anymore...
I did. And I didn't.
"...And I Am Not Weak..."
Alone, at least, I am.
"...I am a member of KTC April 2009, And I Am A Quitter...
I was. And now I am a Quitter again. For the second time.
Now, I know I'm not the only one who has ever caved, but I was absolutely sure that my inherent awesomeness would overcome any cravings and it did, for a while. After some time though, I got even more cocky than I usually am, and I stopped coming here. Stopped logging in. Stopped conversing with my fellow Quitters.
I thought I could continue my Quit on my own. And I was wrong.
So, here I am. Back again.Â
For the 2nd time, which I never thought would happen to me.
Quitting sucked, but not as much as caving, so here's what I'm going to do:
I'm going to go to the June 2012 group and log in my Day #1.
Then I'm going to go to the April 2009 group and apologize.
Then I'm going to lean on the people I should have been leaning on all along.
C'mon man!!!! 'Crazy'
Did the HOF mean anything to you?
Did going thru all the bullshit mean nothing to you?
You might want to tell your old group what happened........
Do you know how many folks have read your posts to pass craves or been helped by your quit advice? Unfuckinbelievable.
The fucking title says it all.
Somewhere I remember reading in your intro thread, something about how you will NEVER cave cuz you love your son so much.
Guess you love nicotine more than you love you son, huh?
There are people here (myself included) that put your shit up on a pedestal. Your into page is fucking BOOKMARKED on my computer.
Douche!
Agreed, not to make your head any bigger, but a lot of the new quit was told to read your shit.
Fucking shame on you.
-
Gonna merge your threads SWJ.
No hiding from the past.
-
Pays to put no man on a pedestal.
-
You should do a bit on coffin shopping. Or maybe a hypothetical conversation between you and those who love you. It might be funny enough to make them forget all about being at your funeral.
GROW UP YOU FUCKING MORON!!! Life isn't a dress-rehearsal. You don't get do-overs. You go around exactly one time...and your choosing to piss it all away. The internet is full of funny guys. Go blog with them. I'm not judging you...go do it.
But if you want to get serious, commit to quitting instead of using, then you need to post roll and read the wisdom of those who are doing it one day at a time. Okay...maybe a few Random Thoughts...but after you reach the HoF, okay? They'll be funnier if you're not writing them with the Nic Bitch's tit in your mouth.
-
This isn't a fucking playground, or a fucking comedy club.
Your 'Random Thoughts of Awesomeness'? Go fuck yourself. How awesome is cancer?
Can you make chemotherapy a joke? Cuz when I watched my father and mother both go through it and die within two years of each other, let me tell you what fucker...that was some funny awesome shit right there.
You know what? You should write all this shit down again. It'll give your family something to read at your funeral. Should get a lot of laughs there.
Arrogant fuck.
-
Ain't a goddamn thing about you awesome. Why not post random thoughts of fuckeduppedness, or douchebaggery?
Don't think you're gonna slide right back into the sheets where you left. You fucked up, you're gonna get butt raped just like me and every other motherfucker too stupid to stay, too weak to remain faithful to the quit. Stuff the funny man shit up your ass and repent motherfucker.
Free tip: Fix your fucking signature line
-
I'm glad you made it back to KTC. Your stories helped me laugh off a few craves. Thanks for that.
You forgot you were an addict. You're not the first and I can guarantee you won't be the last. Arrogance killed you...you had it whipped...that's what you were telling yourself. That bitch will hide in the weeds for years if she has to.
Just the other day Chewie posted something about taking a long ride and his thought was 'this is the perfect time to dip'. Chewie has been quit for a while. The nic bitch has infinite patience...
Welcome to the suck. I bet you are remembering the suck now...
Miles - 374 - I'm gonna be here a while.
-
As a newbie quitter here in June 2012, I don't really give a shit about your funny posts etc. I will choose to take your word at face value and look forward to quiting every day with you. What I would like to see though is a real introduction from you that describes when you stopped coming to KTC, when you started dipping again, and the journey back to here today. I am not interested in excuses, but I think it would help me and others see what can happen if you don't remain vigilant. There is some redemptive value in showing what not to do. Own your cave and quit.
-
The day you can claim awesomness is the day you reach the day you should have been today. So don't bother until you are past your 1,061st day of posting roll call here.
To repeat what NOLAQ said.... Arrogant fuck
-
The nic bitch has infinite patience...
Yes she does Miles.
-
The day you can claim awesomness is the day you reach the day you should have been today. So don't bother until you are past your 1,061st day of posting roll call here.
To repeat what NOLAQ said.... Arrogant fuck
Very well put this prick forgot he was an addict, funny man or not he IS an addict!!!!
Now his HOF means jackshit!
I second the notion you get to the day you were supposed to be then you can be accepted by the rest of the group ....... with an"*" beside your name
-
As a newbie quitter here in June 2012, I don't really give a shit about your funny posts etc. I will choose to take your word at face value and look forward to quiting every day with you. What I would like to see though is a real introduction from you that describes when you stopped coming to KTC, when you started dipping again, and the journey back to here today. I am not interested in excuses, but I think it would help me and others see what can happen if you don't remain vigilant. There is some redemptive value in showing what not to do. Own your cave and quit.
Bumping this up to the top - this newbie clearly gets it.
SWJ - What are you gonna do differently this time?
-
The day you can claim awesomness is the day you reach the day you should have been today. So don't bother until you are past your 1,061st day of posting roll call here.
To repeat what NOLAQ said.... Arrogant fuck
Very well put this prick forgot he was an addict, funny man or not he IS an addict!!!!
Now his HOF means jackshit!
I second the notion you get to the day you were supposed to be then you can be accepted by the rest of the group ....... with an"*" beside your name
I say post whatever you want SWJ. Humor helps a lot of people.
I get no satisfaction watching a man fall, but tomorrow is a new day.
There are some days I am reminded that my 285 days doesn't mean a damn thing.
One day at a time...one moment at a time
I'm quit today
-
I know this shouldn't make a difference but it does to me. You were quit, a bad assed quitter at that and caved. Was the cave a single dip or was it a week, a month or longer??
Having 1 dip is a cave(or a single cigar in Vegas like our most recent casualty)... having 1 dip and another and forgetting everything you had here for an extended period of time is quite another thing in my mind.
If you had an extended cave, I truly want to know the mindset you were in that made it ok. I NEED this to ensure my plan covers that point in my journey.
So....The question is, when you had that very first cave moment, I am sure you had feelings of guilt but what the fuck made you have another? It is unfathomable to me to "unlearn" this.
-
As a newbie quitter here in June 2012, I don't really give a shit about your funny posts etc. I will choose to take your word at face value and look forward to quiting every day with you. What I would like to see though is a real introduction from you that describes when you stopped coming to KTC, when you started dipping again, and the journey back to here today. I am not interested in excuses, but I think it would help me and others see what can happen if you don't remain vigilant. There is some redemptive value in showing what not to do. Own your cave and quit.
Bumping this up to the top - this newbie clearly gets it.
SWJ - What are you gonna do differently this time?
I'm with wbw and j2b: This is just another (unfortunately) cave story. You don't get to waltz back in and say "day 1" and join hands for a group hug. You know how it works. I want to learn where you failed, why, and what you are gonna do different. It's good for your quit maybe to come clean, but I KNOW my quit needs that info. Your original post seemed a good start to me. But its just a start.
As for some who think your writing is no longer funny : I think that is bull shit. Some of your posts are funny as all get out. I've recommended them in my short time here. But they are just that: funny writings. The nic bitch don't care about humor and wit. Today, you're just another one of many talented people who have given control of their lives to a weed. Outstanding humor doesn't change that.
I don't need to tell you this, or maybe I do: post roll, keep your word, REPEAT.
-
When I read some of the things I wrote here, I want to throw up. So before I get to the official introduction, let me get some things out on the table...
1. This site has helped me more than anything else I've ever tried in my Quit.
2. I rocked it while I was here.
3. I didn't stay.
4. I caved.
5. I own my douchery and my weakness.
6. I'm back and more determined this time.
Here, while we're talking about my idiocy, are some of the awesome things I wrote in my initial introduction -
"...I Will Always Be Stronger Than Any Vice. And I Will Never Cave..."
I wasn't. And I did.
"...If I ever decided to cave, I just wouldn't show up here anymore...
I did. And I didn't.
"...And I Am Not Weak..."
Alone, at least, I am.
"...I am a member of KTC April 2009, And I Am A Quitter...
I was. And now I am a Quitter again. For the second time.
Now, I know I'm not the only one who has ever caved, but I was absolutely sure that my inherent awesomeness would overcome any cravings and it did, for a while. After some time though, I got even more cocky than I usually am, and I stopped coming here. Stopped logging in. Stopped conversing with my fellow Quitters.
I thought I could continue my Quit on my own. And I was wrong.
So, here I am. Back again.Â
For the 2nd time, which I never thought would happen to me.
Quitting sucked, but not as much as caving, so here's what I'm going to do:
I'm going to go to the June 2012 group and log in my Day #1.
Then I'm going to go to the April 2009 group and apologize.
Then I'm going to lean on the people I should have been leaning on all along.
C'mon man!!!! 'Crazy'
Did the HOF mean anything to you?
Did going thru all the bullshit mean nothing to you?
You might want to tell your old group what happened........
Do you know how many folks have read your posts to pass craves or been helped by your quit advice? Unfuckinbelievable.
Before the return...he was gone for well over a year, if I remember right.
I was also told it would be a funny read, but I just couldn't dig getting into the original intro from someone who was so, so far gone from the site.
Well, back now.
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I'm with wbw and j2b: This is just another (unfortunately) cave story. You don't get to waltz back in and say "day 1" and join hands for a group hug. You know how it works. I want to learn where you failed, why, and what you are gonna do different. It's good for your quit maybe to come clean, but I KNOW my quit needs that info. Your original post seemed a good start to me. But its just a start.
As for some who think your writing is no longer funny : I think that is bull shit. Some of your posts are funny as all get out. I've recommended them in my short time here. But they are just that: funny writings. The nic bitch don't care about humor and wit. Today, you're just another one of many talented people who have given control of their lives to a weed. Outstanding humor doesn't change that.
I don't need to tell you this, or maybe I do:Â post roll, keep your word, REPEAT.
Bump just this one post. Eliminate boxes. More quit efficiency! We Quit like Fuck Here!
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I know this shouldn't make a difference but it does to me. You were quit, a bad assed quitter at that and caved. Was the cave a single dip or was it a week, a month or longer??
Having 1 dip is a cave(or a single cigar in Vegas like our most recent casualty)... having 1 dip and another and forgetting everything you had here for an extended period of time is quite another thing in my mind.
If you had an extended cave, I truly want to know the mindset you were in that made it ok. I NEED this to ensure my plan covers that point in my journey.
So....The question is, when you had that very first cave moment, I am sure you had feelings of guilt but what the fuck made you have another? It is unfathomable to me to "unlearn" this.
In my mere 232 days here I've heard many say "you can't have just one". The reason is that as soon as you do you are hooked again. All this for nothing. In my short time here I've seen many folks talk about how they caved and the vast majority said they felt they were ok to just have one. So I would venture to guess that his answer would be that his arrogance made him feel as if having one would be insignificant, yet that one turned into another, and another, then a can, etc. This is why we post roll and preferably post roll early in the day. This way, if you do it every day, and are truly a man of your word, you will never have to worry about what happens if you tried "just one" because you never would do it since that door would be closed that day. Period.
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The day you can claim awesomness is the day you reach the day you should have been today. So don't bother until you are past your 1,061st day of posting roll call here.
To repeat what NOLAQ said.... Arrogant fuck
Very well put this prick forgot he was an addict, funny man or not he IS an addict!!!!
Now his HOF means jackshit!
I second the notion you get to the day you were supposed to be then you can be accepted by the rest of the group ....... with an"*" beside your name
Yeah this is not too constructive.
It would be good for all to remember that it takes tremendous balls to come back to this site after a cave. In fact, I would venture to guess many don't merely to avoid the huge shit storm it causes.
So before we start calling the offender names such as"prick", or "arrogant" or require the caver to wear a fucking scarlet letter until they reach a certain number of days in the new quit we carefully consider how to use this situation for the greatest good.
Having the caver share why he chose to cave and what he is going to do differently is fair. Requesting this information with name calling and vitriol does nothing but turn the next caver away from the site that it is meant to help.
There is right now, a caver who is reading this, who is considering whether they come back to the site and own their fuck up and fight the nic whore. The reception they see another caver receive will weigh heavily on the decision he makes to step up, admit his wrong and quit that one thing that will kill him. He knows he can't do it alone, but he also does not want to have an asterisk next to his name if he comes back.
Don't shut that door.
i hope this makes sense.
-
Let me start off by questioning your manhood you sorry little bitch. April 2012, that was for you.
Now, more to the point, and I don't mean to cuddle your nuts here, but listen at me.
It was day suck hell, don't remember which, early in my quit. My head was spinning, I was sweating, I was mad as hell, and suffering from a tremendous amount of anal seepage due to what I NOW KNOW was an overdose of sorbitol in the sugar free mints I was cramming in my face in order to satiate the craves.
I was at my wit's end man, I was staring at my keys thinking about how easy it would be to get a can. I looked over at my wife who was sitting next to me and said, "I'm about to go get a can, this is ridiculous." She said "Yeah, you probably should, I mean, you may be one of those people that really needs help with this, don't go cold turkey, or maybe now is not the time to quit."
Now before anyone says anything bad about my dear wife, and I don't know why I'm putting this on this site for you assholes, but I have some anger/mood issues. I'm not trying to sound like a bad ass, I despise it. It can have me low enough to want to kill myself and higher than probably most of you cum bubbles can ever imagine, sometimes in the same day, sometimes in the same fucking meal. Luckily, there's pills for these things now, but guess what happens when you rip nicotine out of the equation cold turkey, pills or not? Things get fucking dicey my friends, that's all I can say about that.
All of this bullshit to say, before I went to the store, I got on KTC and I somehow landed on your little story about the gerbil. I laughed until I literally cried and did that weird thing where you cough really hard because you laughed all your oxygen out. And my asshole fell out because it was all lubricated from the seepage. So here I am, completely depleted of oxygen and I have a pink sock swinging from my ass cheeks, and instead of grabbing my keys to go to the store, I go get my phone and I call my dad. I read the story to him aloud. His asshole fell out, raw dog. Then he died. No I'm just fucking with you. He's fine.
But look man, I don't know what made you leave the site. But I want you to know that your contributions prior to this bullshit made a difference. What contributions will you make now? And how long before you vanish again? Because I don't want to get invested in you if you're going to poof on us.
In an extremely selfish way, I'm glad to have you back. I hate how you've returned. I never would have thought a bitch like me would have more quit days than a bitch like you.
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Moonie you just made my Christmas card list.
Keep fighting brother.
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The day you can claim awesomness is the day you reach the day you should have been today. So don't bother until you are past your 1,061st day of posting roll call here.
To repeat what NOLAQ said.... Arrogant fuck
Very well put this prick forgot he was an addict, funny man or not he IS an addict!!!!
Now his HOF means jackshit!
I second the notion you get to the day you were supposed to be then you can be accepted by the rest of the group ....... with an"*" beside your name
Yeah this is not too constructive.
It would be good for all to remember that it takes tremendous balls to come back to this site after a cave. In fact, I would venture to guess many don't merely to avoid the huge shit storm it causes.
So before we start calling the offender names such as"prick", or "arrogant" or require the caver to wear a fucking scarlet letter until they reach a certain number of days in the new quit we carefully consider how to use this situation for the greatest good.
Having the caver share why he chose to cave and what he is going to do differently is fair. Requesting this information with name calling and vitriol does nothing but turn the next caver away from the site that it is meant to help.
There is right now, a caver who is reading this, who is considering whether they come back to the site and own their fuck up and fight the nic whore. The reception they see another caver receive will weigh heavily on the decision he makes to step up, admit his wrong and quit that one thing that will kill him. He knows he can't do it alone, but he also does not want to have an asterisk next to his name if he comes back.
Don't shut that door.
i hope this makes sense.
I call them like I see them!
If someone with 38 days quit can possibly help someone else try to refuse to cave by stating the facts about someone I know nothing about but was suposed to have made the same promise we all make everyday yet he didnt live up to what he stated he would do. Like it or not this guys is a lying bitch!
I really am not the type of person to get on someone for having tried and failed since well I'm not an arrogant ass nor do I think quiting is easy!
I feel bad for this guy but the bottom line is he failed and if we don't ask him what he planned on changing or show him that not only did he let himself, his group, his family, and everyone else that has read his thread he WILL FAIL AGAIN!
I am a positive person not a negative person but this site is about being positive but also accountability and this statement is concerning his accountability, now should he get back onto the quit trail with the rest of us I will be one of the first to say welcome aboard!!!
I hope he has a good plan and does quit not to hear from me but for himself.
-
The day you can claim awesomness is the day you reach the day you should have been today. So don't bother until you are past your 1,061st day of posting roll call here.
To repeat what NOLAQ said.... Arrogant fuck
Very well put this prick forgot he was an addict, funny man or not he IS an addict!!!!
Now his HOF means jackshit!
I second the notion you get to the day you were supposed to be then you can be accepted by the rest of the group ....... with an"*" beside your name
Yeah this is not too constructive.
It would be good for all to remember that it takes tremendous balls to come back to this site after a cave. In fact, I would venture to guess many don't merely to avoid the huge shit storm it causes.
So before we start calling the offender names such as"prick", or "arrogant" or require the caver to wear a fucking scarlet letter until they reach a certain number of days in the new quit we carefully consider how to use this situation for the greatest good.
Having the caver share why he chose to cave and what he is going to do differently is fair. Requesting this information with name calling and vitriol does nothing but turn the next caver away from the site that it is meant to help.
There is right now, a caver who is reading this, who is considering whether they come back to the site and own their fuck up and fight the nic whore. The reception they see another caver receive will weigh heavily on the decision he makes to step up, admit his wrong and quit that one thing that will kill him. He knows he can't do it alone, but he also does not want to have an asterisk next to his name if he comes back.
Don't shut that door.
i hope this makes sense.
It would be good for all to remember that FUCKING CAVING IS LAME.
Pull your head out of your ass shamrock. That is failure. That is not what we are about. You don't make excuses here. You fight. And when things get tough you use the tools of this site.
There is no reason to ever consume nicotine.
-
The day you can claim awesomness is the day you reach the day you should have been today. So don't bother until you are past your 1,061st day of posting roll call here.
To repeat what NOLAQ said.... Arrogant fuck
Very well put this prick forgot he was an addict, funny man or not he IS an addict!!!!
Now his HOF means jackshit!
I second the notion you get to the day you were supposed to be then you can be accepted by the rest of the group ....... with an"*" beside your name
Yeah this is not too constructive.
It would be good for all to remember that it takes tremendous balls to come back to this site after a cave. In fact, I would venture to guess many don't merely to avoid the huge shit storm it causes.
So before we start calling the offender names such as"prick", or "arrogant" or require the caver to wear a fucking scarlet letter until they reach a certain number of days in the new quit we carefully consider how to use this situation for the greatest good.
Having the caver share why he chose to cave and what he is going to do differently is fair. Requesting this information with name calling and vitriol does nothing but turn the next caver away from the site that it is meant to help.
There is right now, a caver who is reading this, who is considering whether they come back to the site and own their fuck up and fight the nic whore. The reception they see another caver receive will weigh heavily on the decision he makes to step up, admit his wrong and quit that one thing that will kill him. He knows he can't do it alone, but he also does not want to have an asterisk next to his name if he comes back.
Don't shut that door.
i hope this makes sense.
I'm with you Irish. Constructive is, well, constructive. This strikes me as a learning opportunity.
I've seen many come back here with a measure of humility, admit their failures and shortcomings and then get blasted. It's disappointing to hear about someone caving but it's also a good reminder of the power of this addiction. A good reminder of how narrow a margin there is between 1000 days quit and a Day 1.
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QUOTE (Ready @ Mar 15, 2012, 7:51 pm)
Ready - Day 1,505
I post roll every day giving my word of Honor that I will not use nicotine in any way, shape or form. I use the tools provided by those in the trenches next to me, knowing that they will not let me down. You have no idea how many quitters I would have to go through to cave. It would be impossible for me to cave. I would not dishonor them or myself by not giving them the respect they have earned to protect me from myself if the need arose.
This is what this site is.
Or you could join the site, quit, be involved, get bored of your freedom, get complacent, think you have things under control, ignore the things that kept you quit and...
Blah Blah Blah, I left the site I caved.
Character means something.
Just a reminder on what this site is about, its not mine but it is very accurate.
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Ain't a goddamn thing about you awesome. Why not post random thoughts of fuckeduppedness, or douchebaggery?
Don't think you're gonna slide right back into the sheets where you left. You fucked up, you're gonna get butt raped just like me and every other motherfucker too stupid to stay, too weak to remain faithful to the quit. Stuff the funny man shit up your ass and repent motherfucker.
Free tip: Fix your fucking signature line
Oh, you silly fucks.
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Piss poor. I, too, looked up to you SWJ.
I guess we're all in the same boat now. I'll quit with you today.
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This is why we post roll and preferably post roll early in the day. This way, if you do it every day, and are truly a man of your word, you will never have to worry about what happens if you tried "just one" because you never would do it since that door would be closed that day. Period.
THIS my friend....THIS is the key to success to me. Post roll and BE A MAN OF YOUR WORD.
That said, the question of what was going through the mind of an addict after that one dip is still relevant. I can only imagine it is a new "fog" but I want to hear it....
-
The day you can claim awesomness is the day you reach the day you should have been today. So don't bother until you are past your 1,061st day of posting roll call here.
To repeat what NOLAQ said.... Arrogant fuck
Very well put this prick forgot he was an addict, funny man or not he IS an addict!!!!
Now his HOF means jackshit!
I second the notion you get to the day you were supposed to be then you can be accepted by the rest of the group ....... with an"*" beside your name
Yeah this is not too constructive.
It would be good for all to remember that it takes tremendous balls to come back to this site after a cave. In fact, I would venture to guess many don't merely to avoid the huge shit storm it causes.
So before we start calling the offender names such as"prick", or "arrogant" or require the caver to wear a fucking scarlet letter until they reach a certain number of days in the new quit we carefully consider how to use this situation for the greatest good.
Having the caver share why he chose to cave and what he is going to do differently is fair. Requesting this information with name calling and vitriol does nothing but turn the next caver away from the site that it is meant to help.
There is right now, a caver who is reading this, who is considering whether they come back to the site and own their fuck up and fight the nic whore. The reception they see another caver receive will weigh heavily on the decision he makes to step up, admit his wrong and quit that one thing that will kill him. He knows he can't do it alone, but he also does not want to have an asterisk next to his name if he comes back.
Don't shut that door.
i hope this makes sense.
I'm with you Irish. Constructive is, well, constructive. This strikes me as a learning opportunity.
I've seen many come back here with a measure of humility, admit their failures and shortcomings and then get blasted. It's disappointing to hear about someone caving but it's also a good reminder of the power of this addiction. A good reminder of how narrow a margin there is between 1000 days quit and a Day 1.
Points heard and well-taken... but what some seem to miss, is that SWJ was once brothers with a number of guys on this site.
Looking back, I realized how often I posted with him... or replied to his notes.
The day that a family member stabs you in the back, and you cannot get even remotely made at them?
Well, just how are they to learn when they know the rules and the consequences?
Being nice and coddling their ballsacks is NOT the KTC way...
SWJ knows this... he is no where close to a NEWB here... but, he disliked the ass-rapings dealt out in the old days, and this should be particularly painful for him to be on the receiving end.
But, he knew it was coming, and he knows he deserves it.
He came back of his own freewill... golf clapping heard in the distance... for that I offer my support.
But, you cannot just walk back in here, and try to pretend it never happened. Trust me... I KNOW THIS. I tried it... it doesn't work.
SWJ my Brother... get in here, and get fucking active my man. Yeah, I am more than a little torqued off, but ignoring the calls for more explanation and avoiding a true coming-to Jesus reply, is not gonna work for you. Or anyone else. Trust me.
If you wanna PM me, and get things started... well, in honor of the old days, you know where to find me.
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As a newbie quitter here in June 2012, I don't really give a shit about your funny posts etc. I will choose to take your word at face value and look forward to quiting every day with you. What I would like to see though is a real introduction from you that describes when you stopped coming to KTC, when you started dipping again, and the journey back to here today. I am not interested in excuses, but I think it would help me and others see what can happen if you don't remain vigilant. There is some redemptive value in showing what not to do. Own your cave and quit.
Listen to this new guy SWJ... you know what he managed to do?
He struck a nerve with very few words... he cut to the chase.
Its guys like this that need your help now.
Why no answer?
What are you doing brother??? I just don't get it.
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Okay SWJ... I saw you pop in this morning... I PM'd you...
You came and went.
No doubt you read what everyone has been saying.
Not sure if you read my PM before leaving.
If thats how this quit will be... then the least you could have done was reply to someone saying as much.
Like I told you... these first days back are brutal, ugly, and painful... but you can endure it and come back stronger than before.
Its your choice... I, for one, would opt for coming full circle and answering all the mail.
Its just gonna get more brutal until then.
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Fuck.
I wish I could speak German, because I feel like yelling. And yelling in German sounds better.
SWJ and I were comrades. As long as he was here, I knew he'd never cave. As long as we stayed in touch, I knew all was well.
We lost touch.
I could no longer say he'd never cave. A depressing thought, but a reality.
It's really fucking simple, boys and girls: Stay in touch. Stay accountable. This is the lesson.
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It's really fucking simple, boys and girls: Stay in touch. Stay accountable. This is the lesson.
Listen to Dean.
This is the most important sentence in this entire conversation.
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It's really fucking simple, boys and girls: Stay in touch. Stay accountable. This is the lesson.
Listen to Dean.
This is the most important sentence in this entire conversation.
Ode to Keddy. index.php?showtopic=4819 (http://forum.killthecan.org/index.php?showtopic=4819)
Wise words my friend.
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It's really fucking simple, boys and girls: Stay in touch. Stay accountable. This is the lesson.
Listen to Dean.
This is the most important sentence in this entire conversation.
Ode to Keddy. index.php?showtopic=4819 (http://forum.killthecan.org/index.php?showtopic=4819)
Wise words my friend.
I'm probably going to get blasted for my empathy here. However, I will say it anyway. This dude has gotten majorly blasted over the last couple of days...and rightfully so after blowing his quit. He blew it on many fronts. Nonetheless, I hope that he gets back in here and does it right this time. If anything, lessons can be learned that no matter how confident and strong you are in your quit, if you walk away and forget, there is a high probability that you will return to slavery. I'm taking what has happened to him to heart. In my mind there is nothing that can cause me to cave...nothing. Based on what I'm reading, he felt that same way...but here he is posting Day 2 today.
That being said. I learned a valuable lesson from this guy. I hope he isn't pushed away by the attacks. We're in the business of saving lives here so I'd like to see his saved as well.
You're taking your licks, SWJ...and you certainly deserve them. But I'd like to see you back here staying quit and offering some words as to what led you down the road back to the can. Good luck.
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It's really fucking simple, boys and girls: Stay in touch. Stay accountable. This is the lesson.
Listen to Dean.
This is the most important sentence in this entire conversation.
Ode to Keddy. index.php?showtopic=4819 (http://forum.killthecan.org/index.php?showtopic=4819)
Wise words my friend.
I'm probably going to get blasted for my empathy here. However, I will say it anyway. This dude has gotten majorly blasted over the last couple of days...and rightfully so after blowing his quit. He blew it on many fronts. Nonetheless, I hope that he gets back in here and does it right this time. If anything, lessons can be learned that no matter how confident and strong you are in your quit, if you walk away and forget, there is a high probability that you will return to slavery. I'm taking what has happened to him to heart. In my mind there is nothing that can cause me to cave...nothing. Based on what I'm reading, he felt that same way...but here he is posting Day 2 today.
That being said. I learned a valuable lesson from this guy. I hope he isn't pushed away by the attacks. We're in the business of saving lives here so I'd like to see his saved as well.
You're taking your licks, SWJ...and you certainly deserve them. But I'd like to see you back here staying quit and offering some words as to what led you down the road back to the can. Good luck.
No blast coming from me, I agree with you Ag; however, it is NOT good enough to come in here late in the day, post a Day 1, throw some bullshit up on the board about how awesome you are, then disappear for the day.
THEN to come back the NEXT day without as much as a 'Fuck you guys', post a Day 2 and act like we're all cool with it.
Answers to:
1. How did your cave happen?
2. What did you learn from it?
3. How is this time different?
Here's a little perspective as to why all the anger.
Ag, you say we're in the business of saving lives, and I agree. I don't take that charge lightly, either.
SWJ was saved. He was saved a long time ago. According to his own words, he learned his lesson and had his shit wired tight, and blew it. And now, here we go again.
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It's really fucking simple, boys and girls: Stay in touch. Stay accountable. This is the lesson.
Listen to Dean.
This is the most important sentence in this entire conversation.
Ode to Keddy. index.php?showtopic=4819 (http://forum.killthecan.org/index.php?showtopic=4819)
Wise words my friend.
I'm probably going to get blasted for my empathy here. However, I will say it anyway. This dude has gotten majorly blasted over the last couple of days...and rightfully so after blowing his quit. He blew it on many fronts. Nonetheless, I hope that he gets back in here and does it right this time. If anything, lessons can be learned that no matter how confident and strong you are in your quit, if you walk away and forget, there is a high probability that you will return to slavery. I'm taking what has happened to him to heart. In my mind there is nothing that can cause me to cave...nothing. Based on what I'm reading, he felt that same way...but here he is posting Day 2 today.
That being said. I learned a valuable lesson from this guy. I hope he isn't pushed away by the attacks. We're in the business of saving lives here so I'd like to see his saved as well.
You're taking your licks, SWJ...and you certainly deserve them. But I'd like to see you back here staying quit and offering some words as to what led you down the road back to the can. Good luck.
He's been around this place long enough to understand he was gonna get de-nutted and have his sack handed to him. He prolly participated in his share of de-nuttings to.
All of the venom is primarily the reaction to feelings of betrayal. SWJ made a deal with some people. The deal was quite simple. He knew the commitment. He knew, by drinking the kool-aide, what he expected of others and in turn, what they could expect of him. Some lived up to their part of the relationship. He did not. He betrayed his family. He betrayed this site. He betrayed his friends/quitters. And worse, he betrayed himself.
He forgot. After repeating a process for what, a 1000 days?, he forgot. He forgot Day 1. He forgot why he posted it. He, like many before him, forgot he was an addict. We all have done it privately. Some do it publicly. Those guys get de-nutted for their betrayal. It ain't pretty. It's not supposed to be. If you want it pretty, go to Lite. They'll stroke your caving sack, rather than feeding it to you.
SWJ fucked up. He knows it. He's going to be reminded of it, frequently. However, through it all, you can bet your ass he won't forget this Day 1. By the way SWJ, LOOT hopes the next few days are fucking brutal bro. Not cause LOOT is a sadist but because you got a thick fucking skull. Brutal....lest you forget.
When the dust settles, SWJ will have no better support than the very guys holding his sack today. That's the beauty of it. They'll eventually let him have his nuts back. And he'll have a choice to make regarding them. Tread lightly SWJ, your perceived arrogance won't get your nuts back anytime soon. Gobble that humble pie you fixed bro. Keep your head down and pay attention to the path you are walking. You now know what happens when you stray from that path.
Forget Day 1...you lose. It really is that simple.
Never again, for any reason. --- that's not just a saying on the back of LOOT's salmon colored poker chip bro. It's a way of life. The life of an addict.
-
It's really fucking simple, boys and girls: Stay in touch. Stay accountable. This is the lesson.
Listen to Dean.
This is the most important sentence in this entire conversation.
Ode to Keddy. index.php?showtopic=4819 (http://forum.killthecan.org/index.php?showtopic=4819)
Wise words my friend.
I'm probably going to get blasted for my empathy here. However, I will say it anyway. This dude has gotten majorly blasted over the last couple of days...and rightfully so after blowing his quit. He blew it on many fronts. Nonetheless, I hope that he gets back in here and does it right this time. If anything, lessons can be learned that no matter how confident and strong you are in your quit, if you walk away and forget, there is a high probability that you will return to slavery. I'm taking what has happened to him to heart. In my mind there is nothing that can cause me to cave...nothing. Based on what I'm reading, he felt that same way...but here he is posting Day 2 today.
That being said. I learned a valuable lesson from this guy. I hope he isn't pushed away by the attacks. We're in the business of saving lives here so I'd like to see his saved as well.
You're taking your licks, SWJ...and you certainly deserve them. But I'd like to see you back here staying quit and offering some words as to what led you down the road back to the can. Good luck.
He's been around this place long enough to understand he was gonna get de-nutted and have his sack handed to him. He prolly participated in his share of de-nuttings to.
All of the venom is primarily the reaction to feelings of betrayal. SWJ made a deal with some people. The deal was quite simple. He knew the commitment. He knew, by drinking the kool-aide, what he expected of others and in turn, what they could expect of him. Some lived up to their part of the relationship. He did not. He betrayed his family. He betrayed this site. He betrayed his friends/quitters. And worse, he betrayed himself.
He forgot. After repeating a process for what, a 1000 days?, he forgot. He forgot Day 1. He forgot why he posted it. He, like many before him, forgot he was an addict. We all have done it privately. Some do it publicly. Those guys get de-nutted for their betrayal. It ain't pretty. It's not supposed to be. If you want it pretty, go to Lite. They'll stroke your caving sack, rather than feeding it to you.
SWJ fucked up. He knows it. He's going to be reminded of it, frequently. However, through it all, you can bet your ass he won't forget this Day 1. By the way SWJ, LOOT hopes the next few days are fucking brutal bro. Not cause LOOT is a sadist but because you got a thick fucking skull. Brutal....lest you forget.
When the dust settles, SWJ will have no better support than the very guys holding his sack today. That's the beauty of it. They'll eventually let him have his nuts back. And he'll have a choice to make regarding them. Tread lightly SWJ, your perceived arrogance won't get your nuts back anytime soon. Gobble that humble pie you fixed bro. Keep your head down and pay attention to the path you are walking. You now know what happens when you stray from that path.
Forget Day 1...you lose. It really is that simple.
Never again, for any reason. --- that's not just a saying on the back of LOOT's salmon colored poker chip bro. It's a way of life. The life of an addict.
^^^^^^^will someone fetch me my choir robe?
-
Understand that what I put down here is not intended or expected to get me right back where I was with this group. I don't at all expect to "slide right back" in or to post up shitloads of hilarity or arrogance. Believe me, the hilarity and arrogance hasn't at all returned, if it ever will.
Consider this instead, Step 2 of what's likely to be an almost infinite number of steps here. Step 1 was coming back and owning what I've got coming. Step 2 is just me laying down the truth.
Maybe it will help someone and maybe it won't. Either way though, for what it's worth, I owe at least that much to the guys who helped me here.
I almost wish I could say that some traumatic shit happened to make me cave.
It didn't.
It was nothing more than standing in line at a convenience store to pay for a cup of coffee.
Before it really registered, I had asked for a can, paid, walked out to my truck, opened it up, and stuffed a big, glorious wad in my pie-hole.
Shit. That's when it registered.
All that I had done. All the bravado. All the smack-talk.
Gone. Undone. Worthless.
I don't even remember how many days Quit I was then, because every one of those days went bye-bye in that one fucking moment. I know it was a lot, and I know how much it hurt to see them go.
So then, a choice: Do I come back to KTC the next day and fess up to my terrible behavior..?
Or do I just push that certain unpleasantness aside and go with the can instead..?
You know the choice I made - Going back to my habit was easier than coming back here.
You see, to come back here would be, in my mind at the time, pretty sucky. I'd have to publicly admit that I wasn't as awesome as I thought I was, that I was weak, and that most of you guys were stronger than me. I'd have to own all kinds of unpleasant admissions and I just didn't want to do it.
I agonized over it. I really did.
But I wasn't strong enough to make the right call.
So since then, I've been off and on... On my own. Sometimes not chewing for months and then other times convincing myself that one can won't hurt.
This, as you all know better than I, is unmitigated bullshit.
While some dudes can just quit things like tobacco on their own, with no support group, no accountability, and no problems, I'm obviously not one of them.
None of us are, or you wouldn't be here.
Admitting this to myself and owning my multiple weaknesses brought me back here.
And here's the ridiculously simple math:
SWJ On His Own + Tobacco = Disaster
SWJ And KTC + Tobacco = Quit
You see, I got past my 100 days and somehow became convinced that I'd been cured of my addiction. I stopped posting roll. I lost touch. I fell away.
And look what happened.
WTF. Am I going to be posting roll up in here when I'm 65 fucking years old..?
That's bullshit - I just want to be done.
But with me, I realize, this isn't the way it works. I WILL have to be posting roll in here 20 years from now, if I want to stay Quit.
Apparently, I just can't do it alone.
Which sucks in a lot of ways, but it is what it is.
So, here I am.
Humbled...
Embarrassed...
Ashamed...
Disappointed...
And firm in the belief that I need this place to kick this shit.
So bring it on - I deserve whatever you want to say, as I know how it works here.
For my part, I want to be done with this along the way, if I'm able to regain some of the trust that we built together before, that sure would be nice.
But I expect it will take time, and I'm ready to do my part.
For now, no bullshit, no comedy, no awesomeness.
Just me, leaning on the accountability here, one day at a time.
-
Nice first step.
*LOOT offers SWJ a hand up, dusts him off, pats him on his firm yet supple ass, and sends him back in the quit*
Welcome back bro.
-
Understand that what I put down here is not intended or expected to get me right back where I was with this group. I don't at all expect to "slide right back" in or to post up shitloads of hilarity or arrogance. Believe me, the hilarity and arrogance hasn't at all returned, if it ever will.
Consider this instead, Step 2 of what's likely to be an almost infinite number of steps here. Step 1 was coming back and owning what I've got coming. Step 2 is just me laying down the truth.
Maybe it will help someone and maybe it won't. Either way though, for what it's worth, I owe at least that much to the guys who helped me here.
I almost wish I could say that some traumatic shit happened to make me cave.
It didn't.
It was nothing more than standing in line at a convenience store to pay for a cup of coffee.
Before it really registered, I had asked for a can, paid, walked out to my truck, opened it up, and stuffed a big, glorious wad in my pie-hole.
Shit. That's when it registered.
All that I had done. All the bravado. All the smack-talk.
Gone. Undone. Worthless.
I don't even remember how many days Quit I was then, because every one of those days went bye-bye in that one fucking moment. I know it was a lot, and I know how much it hurt to see them go.
So then, a choice: Do I come back to KTC the next day and fess up to my terrible behavior..?
Or do I just push that certain unpleasantness aside and go with the can instead..?
You know the choice I made - Going back to my habit was easier than coming back here.
You see, to come back here would be, in my mind at the time, pretty sucky. I'd have to publicly admit that I wasn't as awesome as I thought I was, that I was weak, and that most of you guys were stronger than me. I'd have to own all kinds of unpleasant admissions and I just didn't want to do it.
I agonized over it. I really did.
But I wasn't strong enough to make the right call.
So since then, I've been off and on... On my own. Sometimes not chewing for months and then other times convincing myself that one can won't hurt.
This, as you all know better than I, is unmitigated bullshit.
While some dudes can just quit things like tobacco on their own, with no support group, no accountability, and no problems, I'm obviously not one of them.
None of us are, or you wouldn't be here.
Admitting this to myself and owning my multiple weaknesses brought me back here.
And here's the ridiculously simple math:
SWJ On His Own + Tobacco = Disaster
SWJ And KTC + Tobacco = Quit
You see, I got past my 100 days and somehow became convinced that I'd been cured of my addiction. I stopped posting roll. I lost touch. I fell away.
And look what happened.
WTF. Am I going to be posting roll up in here when I'm 65 fucking years old..?
That's bullshit - I just want to be done.
But with me, I realize, this isn't the way it works. I WILL have to be posting roll in here 20 years from now, if I want to stay Quit.
Apparently, I just can't do it alone.
Which sucks in a lot of ways, but it is what it is.
So, here I am.
Humbled...
Embarrassed...
Ashamed...
Disappointed...
And firm in the belief that I need this place to kick this shit.
So bring it on - I deserve whatever you want to say, as I know how it works here.
For my part, I want to be done with this along the way, if I'm able to regain some of the trust that we built together before, that sure would be nice.
But I expect it will take time, and I'm ready to do my part.
For now, no bullshit, no comedy, no awesomeness.
Just me, leaning on the accountability here, one day at a time.
Welcome back! I dont know you but i do know your addiction and shamefully i have the same!
I am happy to be quit with you and stay strong you wiil beat the bitch back!
-
SWJ,
Glad you got back in here. You have helped me through some intense craves and I feel I need to be honest with you. I have some observations.
Before it really registered, I had asked for a can, paid, walked out to my truck, opened it up, and stuffed a big, glorious wad in my pie-hole.
Bullshit. I hear that a lot from cavers. Like you were in some kind of zombie trance. You had multiple opportunities to not cave. My 0.02? You were tired of being an addict. You thought you finally could be done
. And wanted to prove it.
WTF. Am I going to be posting roll up in here when I'm 65 fucking years old..
I asked the very same thing. The answer? I don't know. Maybe. The only thing I know for certain is that I am quit today. That's it. I will worry about tomorrow, tomorrow.
A good friend of yours said something that I will never forget. "It takes nuts to stay quit. Lots and lots of nuts!" You have showed some baby scrotum getting back in here. We will see if you have nuts or not.
PS - I would change your signature and HOF.
Vadge
-
exactly why i am still here.....even if only for the few seconds it takes to post roll.
it matters....
we ain't ever gonna be fixed.
realizing that (finally ya dam tard) will save your life.....your example will hopefully prevent the same mistake.
don't trust you yet....that will take some time.....
but a helluva first step in the right direction.....
-
Time seperates us from our addiction even though with all the time in the world we are still addicted.
Time also heals wounds. This is a big wound. Yet it is one that can heal with time.
-
Let's get it done SWJ.
Like looT says, good first step in deed.
-
Understand that what I put down here is not intended or expected to get me right back where I was with this group. I don't at all expect to "slide right back" in or to post up shitloads of hilarity or arrogance. Believe me, the hilarity and arrogance hasn't at all returned, if it ever will.
Consider this instead, Step 2 of what's likely to be an almost infinite number of steps here. Step 1 was coming back and owning what I've got coming. Step 2 is just me laying down the truth.
Maybe it will help someone and maybe it won't. Either way though, for what it's worth, I owe at least that much to the guys who helped me here.
I almost wish I could say that some traumatic shit happened to make me cave.
It didn't.
It was nothing more than standing in line at a convenience store to pay for a cup of coffee.
Before it really registered, I had asked for a can, paid, walked out to my truck, opened it up, and stuffed a big, glorious wad in my pie-hole.
Shit. That's when it registered.
All that I had done. All the bravado. All the smack-talk.
Gone. Undone. Worthless.
I don't even remember how many days Quit I was then, because every one of those days went bye-bye in that one fucking moment. I know it was a lot, and I know how much it hurt to see them go.
So then, a choice: Do I come back to KTC the next day and fess up to my terrible behavior..?
Or do I just push that certain unpleasantness aside and go with the can instead..?
You know the choice I made - Going back to my habit was easier than coming back here.
You see, to come back here would be, in my mind at the time, pretty sucky. I'd have to publicly admit that I wasn't as awesome as I thought I was, that I was weak, and that most of you guys were stronger than me. I'd have to own all kinds of unpleasant admissions and I just didn't want to do it.
I agonized over it. I really did.
But I wasn't strong enough to make the right call.
So since then, I've been off and on... On my own. Sometimes not chewing for months and then other times convincing myself that one can won't hurt.
This, as you all know better than I, is unmitigated bullshit.
While some dudes can just quit things like tobacco on their own, with no support group, no accountability, and no problems, I'm obviously not one of them.
None of us are, or you wouldn't be here.
Admitting this to myself and owning my multiple weaknesses brought me back here.
And here's the ridiculously simple math:
SWJ On His Own + Tobacco = Disaster
SWJ And KTC + Tobacco = Quit
You see, I got past my 100 days and somehow became convinced that I'd been cured of my addiction. I stopped posting roll. I lost touch. I fell away.
And look what happened.
WTF. Am I going to be posting roll up in here when I'm 65 fucking years old..?
That's bullshit - I just want to be done.
But with me, I realize, this isn't the way it works. I WILL have to be posting roll in here 20 years from now, if I want to stay Quit.
Apparently, I just can't do it alone.
Which sucks in a lot of ways, but it is what it is.
So, here I am.
Humbled...
Embarrassed...
Ashamed...
Disappointed...
And firm in the belief that I need this place to kick this shit.
So bring it on - I deserve whatever you want to say, as I know how it works here.
For my part, I want to be done with this along the way, if I'm able to regain some of the trust that we built together before, that sure would be nice.
But I expect it will take time, and I'm ready to do my part.
For now, no bullshit, no comedy, no awesomeness.
Just me, leaning on the accountability here, one day at a time.
Where have I read a very similar story?
Oh yeah, here.. (http://forum.killthecan.org/index.php?showtopic=5715)
SWJ, own this mistake. Learn from it. Do everything in your fucking power never to relive this again. Be the leader you were meant to be.
The past is the past. Fuck tomorrow. Quit today and we're awesome man.
-
What would you say to others who fade away? I wonder, because there are great men that have stopped posting not too long after 100 days in FEB2012. Quitters who managed to post every day....until they were "cured", or "over the hard part", or thought they crossed the finish line?
What do you do after 100days next time? Try picking up at least one name for each new group that is started. Stay involved man, but most importantly, pick up some numbers and find somebody you give a hit about. You can pick up a guy who JUST faded away after 100days from FEB2012, or JAN2012..
Make this your quit brother. You obviously have balls of steel.
Now use them to tea bag nicotine for the rest of your life. IT'S TIME TO TAKE CONTROL.
-
I dont know a whole lot about you brother, but your threads have been forwarded my way for a laugh when shit was down.. So, that being said I am disappointed to read about your cave..
However, after reading all the posts after you confession, your ass has been handed to you and you need no more after your last post.. I tip my hat to it brother, wipe your hands clean and stay quit man..
-
I dont know a whole lot about you brother, but your threads have been forwarded my way for a laugh when shit was down.. So, that being said I am disappointed to read about your cave..
However, after reading all the posts after you confession, your ass has been handed to you and you need no more after your last post.. I tip my hat to it brother, wipe your hands clean and stay quit man..
Just my POVÂ….You can say I am an idiot but I have to thank SWJ for the second time. His stories got me through a tough time early in my quit so thank you for that.
I am 124 days quit and I have seen myself starting down a slippery slope after my HOF speech. I still am posting roll everyday but I have started to post later in the dayÂ….when it crosses my mind. Reading what has happened to SWJ, I feel I am in a danger zone. I can see a direct coloration between going alone and being active on this site, even if it is just to make your promise every day. If a BAMF like SWJ can cave, who am I to think I can do this alone. So thank you again SWJ. I will refocus and post roll first thing in the morning just like I did days 60 -100.
Thats it but you can still fuck off.
-
SWJ - I worried this would come some day. I've been in your shoes. Standing in line at a convenience store with well over 100 days quit under my belt. Alone. Looking at a tin and making that rash decision. You had KTC and threw it all away. I had a hospital quit group and threw it all away.
Without that experience, I would not be the picture perfect picture of perfection that you see before you today. No shit.
It's not about quit brothers. It's about you. I've never met 65fl. I've never met tooL. I've never met you. If I let you down, I let myself down. We are one in the same. Let our strength serve as your strength when your addiction takes over.
You are an important piece of my quit. I know that your quit is now solid. You've been where I've been. I will draw on your current strength when my addiction comes calling. I will draw on Greg's strength and tooL's strength and 65's strength. All y'alls fucking strength. You are in me. Deep inside me. Like a veiny cock.
-
and knowing is half the battle. Bitches.
-
and knowing is half the battle. Bitches.
INDEED! (http://s3-ec.buzzfed.com/static/imagebuzz/web04/2009/7/30/15/half-the-battle-19791-1248981236-36.jpg)
(SFW)
-
and knowing is half the battle. Bitches.
INDEED! (http://s3-ec.buzzfed.com/static/imagebuzz/web04/2009/7/30/15/half-the-battle-19791-1248981236-36.jpg)
(SFW)
Sounds like one of those Super Friends PSA (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QuGDWrP79Iw) shorts...
-
Nice first step.
*LOOT offers SWJ a hand up, dusts him off, pats him on his firm yet supple ass, and sends him back in the quit*
Welcome back bro.
I concur, Loot.
I was looking for this kind of post all along.
Sometimes it takes a few days to really cook in... some will get it, others will not... some will post one, others will continue to try and fly under the radar.
I am glad you made the right choices SWJ.
* CNC rolls his eyes and shakes his head at Loot's groping, then punches SWJ on the shoulder knocking him towards the June house.
Now get to it, man.
-
Good shit, SWJ.
I am quit with you today.
-
The beauty of KTC is that you can pretty much say whatever the fuck you want.
There's only one requirement, you make your daily promise, and you stay QUIT.
You may display your badassery and awesomeness all you want.
But it don't mean shit if you're not maintaining your QUIT.
Glad you're back and that you've owned your cave, I'm quit with you today.
We Quit Like Fuck.
-
I heart quit
-
So SWJ came back I see. This page has provided me many hours of entertainment when I was craving bad or just wanted a good laugh. At least you've finally come back
-
Believe me, this is not posted here because I think I'm worthy to be giving advice.
I'm not. At least not right now.
I'm posting it here because I feel like it. And if it helps somebody else one of these days, I'll count myself lucky.
In between kicking my own ass for being a dick and feeling pretty good about renewing my commitment here, I came across something...
Three letters.
Each one folded neatly into a square and held together with one of those black, clippy things.
Without even unfolding them, I knew what they were.
One was a list of my reasons for quitting this shit. Really good reasons too.
One was a letter from my oldest son, begging me to stop chewing.
And the third was a letter from my little guy, imploring me to stop.
Unbelievable...
It is a mystery of the universe how a man could be as callous and selfish as I have.
What a colossal fuck-up.
I wish all this would have occurred to me before...
I wish I was smarter...
I wish I was less selfish...
Blah blah blah blah blah blah bullshit.
Here's my lesson to myself: Whatever it is - Whatever it takes to keep you straight...Keep it close.
There's a bunch of guys on here who already know this I should have listened.
If I had listened, if I had kept My Reasons close, I wouldn't be going around again.
But I am - It is what it is.
Those letters are in my pocket right now.
When I woke up this morning, it felt like Day 5 was going to be like, 36 hours long.
Now it doesn't feel bad at all.
Believe me, I know the challenges aren't over.
But I intend to listen this time, to be accountable, and to keep My Reasons in my pocket.
-
The letters sound like a great way to keep things in perspective, keep them close!
I appreciate the honesty and dont hesitate to pass on more knowledge, remember you beat this before and you Will beat it again.
-
I haven't checked the Introductions page in over a month but today something drew me to it. The first Intro I looked at was yours. I came across your posts from the previous times and was invigorated by your refreshing and lucid honesty (not to mention your off-beat sense of humor and writing style).
We are all still here to help. Keep posting for yourself and others will definitely benefit as a byproduct.
Welcome back.
-
Today counts. 1 day at a time.
-
Artist in the Ambulance (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Ton0a230_s)
Late night, brakes lock, hear the tires squeal
Red light, can't stop so I spin the wheel
My world goes black before I feel an angel lift me up
And I open bloodshot eyes into fluorescent white
They flip the siren, hit the lights, close the doors and I am gone
Now I lay here owing my life to a stranger
And I realize that empty words are not enough
I'm left here with the question of just
What have I to show except the promises I never kept?
I lie here shaking on this bed, under the weight of my regrets
[Chorus:]
I hope that I will never let you down
I know that this can be more than just flashing lights and sound
Look around and you'll see that at times it feels like no one really cares
It gets me down but I'm still gonna try to do what's right, I know that there's
A difference between sleight of hand, and giving everything you have
There's a line drawn in the sand, I'm working up the will to cross it and
[Chorus]
Rhetoric can't raise the dead
I'm sick of always talking when there's no change
Rhetoric can't raise the dead
I'm sick of empty words, let's lead and not follow
Late night, brakes lock, hear the tires squeal
Red light, can't stop so I spin the wheel
My world goes black before I feel an angel steal me from the
Greedy jaws of death and chance, and pull me in with steady hands
They've given me a second chance, the artist in the ambulance
[Chorus]
Can we pick you off the ground, more than flashing lights and sound
-
The letters are a great idea. I keep the contract to give up my quit in my wallet, I have showed it to my wife and vowed to sign and give it to her if I ever cave. I take it out and read it every once in awhile, not as often lately but I still do. I need to know the level of commitment I have made sometimes, I know the day I forget I am an addict is the day I lose. No forgetting today, today we post roll, we honor our commitment, we win today.
-
I am proud to be quit with you today, brother. Those are great thoughts
about the letters thanks for sharing that with us. Stay strong in your quit.
-
I am proud to be quit with you today, brother. Those are great thoughts
about the letters thanks for sharing that with us. Stay strong in your quit.
'clap' I quit with you today. Reading through your posts will enhance my quit.
-
That's perspective. Thanks.
-
It sounds like your complimentary post-cave public flogging has waned, SWJ. Welcome back to the fray, the circumstances of your return suck but hey, you are a human being after all. Hopefully none of us will repeat your mistake.
Also, to hell with the pissy, funny stories of the past -- the 'fro in the avatar absolutely rocks.
-
Also, to hell with the pissy, funny stories of the past -- the 'fro in the avatar absolutely rocks.
I still bring the fro-licious thunder.
-
It sounds like your complimentary post-cave public flogging has waned, SWJ. Welcome back to the fray, the circumstances of your return suck but hey, you are a human being after all. Hopefully none of us will repeat your mistake.
Also, to hell with the pissy, funny stories of the past -- the 'fro in the avatar absolutely rocks.
Yes, we're all human. We are free choose whether or not to stuff our face with poison. There is no excuse to ever ingest nicotine again. Don't ever shrug off a cave of a fellow addict. It won't do him any good, but, most importantly, it wont do you a damn bit of good. In fact, to use one of SWJ's phrases, it could wreck your shit.
-
Also, to hell with the pissy, funny stories of the past -- the 'fro in the avatar absolutely rocks.
I still bring the fro-licious thunder.
Your avatar has this Egon from Ghostbusters thing going on that even just looking at it makes me laugh my ass off!
Good to the the fro-licious thunder comming back!!!!
It will help everyone including yourself.
-
The beauty of KTC is that you can pretty much say whatever the fuck you want.
There's only one requirement, you make your daily promise, and you stay QUIT.
You may display your badassery and awesomeness all you want.
But it don't mean shit if you're not maintaining your QUIT.
Glad you're back and that you've owned your cave, I'm quit with you today.
We Quit Like Fuck.
In that case I can say that 40 is gay.
WOW that felt good.
B)
-
Dang.
As it turns out, I fucking hate Day 6.
I spent some time this morning looking through the Words Of Wisdom and have set aside some time later this afternoon to kick my own ass.
Reading my posts from before make me feel like complete shit.
I should have paid attention. I should have listened.
I should have stayed accountable.
Now I'm back here. In the basement.
Typing shit randomly to keep my mind off chew, like a Grade-A fucktard.
If I could challenge myself to a fight in the parking lot after work, I assure you, I would wreck my own shit.
Just for being a dumbass.
I must have passed like a zillion convenience stores today.
I swear they're multiplying.
At one point this morning, I thought I could actually taste wintergreen in my pie-hole.
Then I thought of a couple of things...
First, I've proven that I can let people down once, but it would really suck to do it twice.
Second, I really want to give my wife the gift of 150 Days Quit on our anniversary this year.
And third, I tried to come up with some things that would be appropriate alternatives to me asking the convenience store clerk for a can of dip...
1. Lean over and lick the PIN pad thing on the counter.
2. Use one of the rebel flag lighters in that rack thing to light my ball-fro on fire.
3. See how much coffee I can drink...right from the tap.
4. Bash my head through the scratch-off ticket glass on the counter.
Any of these sound awesome...? No. They don't.
Well, neither does asking the clerk for a can of dip. I won't do it. Not today.
And the reason I won't is related to the reason I fucked up before.
I won't because I'm here.
And I fucked up because I wasn't.
Let that be a lesson, bitches. I learned it the hard way.
-
Dang.
As it turns out, I fucking hate Day 6.
I spent some time this morning looking through the Words Of Wisdom and have set aside some time later this afternoon to kick my own ass.
Reading my posts from before make me feel like complete shit.
I should have paid attention. I should have listened.
I should have stayed accountable.
Now I'm back here. In the basement.
Typing shit randomly to keep my mind off chew, like a Grade-A fucktard.
If I could challenge myself to a fight in the parking lot after work, I assure you, I would wreck my own shit.
Just for being a dumbass.
I must have passed like a zillion convenience stores today.
I swear they're multiplying.
At one point this morning, I thought I could actually taste wintergreen in my pie-hole.
Then I thought of a couple of things...
First, I've proven that I can let people down once, but it would really suck to do it twice.
Second, I really want to give my wife the gift of 150 Days Quit on our anniversary this year.
And third, I tried to come up with some things that would be appropriate alternatives to me asking the convenience store clerk for a can of dip...
1. Lean over and lick the PIN pad thing on the counter.
2. Use one of the rebel flag lighters in that rack thing to light my ball-fro on fire.
3. See how much coffee I can drink...right from the tap.
4. Bash my head through the scratch-off ticket glass on the counter.
Any of these sound awesome...? No. They don't.
Well, neither does asking the clerk for a can of dip. I won't do it. Not today.
And the reason I won't is related to the reason I fucked up before.
I won't because I'm here.
And I fucked up because I wasn't.
Let that be a lesson, bitches. I learned it the hard way.
Day 6 does suck and its these times you wrote that will remind all of us of our promise!
Like it or not, you have a gift, reading how your struggling will remind everyone here what not to do. 'zombie' I am amazed by the way you can sum up not only how you feel right now but how everyone feels when they are at those early stages and to some extent the later down the way craves that sneak up on ya!
One day at a time brother, one day at a time.
-
Dang.Â
As it turns out, I fucking hate Day 6.
I spent some time this morning looking through the Words Of Wisdom and have set aside some time later this afternoon to kick my own ass.
Reading my posts from before make me feel like complete shit.
I should have paid attention. I should have listened.Â
I should have stayed accountable.
Now I'm back here. In the basement.Â
Typing shit randomly to keep my mind off chew, like a Grade-A fucktard.
If I could challenge myself to a fight in the parking lot after work, I assure you, I would wreck my own shit.Â
Just for being a dumbass.
I must have passed like a zillion convenience stores today.
I swear they're multiplying.Â
At one point this morning, I thought I could actually taste wintergreen in my pie-hole.
Then I thought of a couple of things...
First, I've proven that I can let people down once, but it would really suck to do it twice.
Second, I really want to give my wife the gift of 150 Days Quit on our anniversary this year.
And third, I tried to come up with some things that would be appropriate alternatives to me asking the convenience store clerk for a can of dip...
1. Lean over and lick the PIN pad thing on the counter.
2. Use one of the rebel flag lighters in that rack thing to light my ball-fro on fire.
3. See how much coffee I can drink...right from the tap.
4. Bash my head through the scratch-off ticket glass on the counter.
Any of these sound awesome...? No. They don't.
Well, neither does asking the clerk for a can of dip. I won't do it. Not today.
And the reason I won't is related to the reason I fucked up before.
I won't because I'm here.Â
And I fucked up because I wasn't.
Let that be a lesson, bitches. I learned it the hard way.
Day 6 does suck and its these times you wrote that will remind all of us of our promise!
Like it or not, you have a gift, reading how your struggling will remind everyone here what not to do. 'zombie' I am amazed by the way you can sum up not only how you feel right now but how everyone feels when they are at those early stages and to some extent the later down the way craves that sneak up on ya!
One day at a time brother, one day at a time.
I'm on day 755 and rolled in here because I had a small fleeting crave today. I figured proactive visits like this have worked the past couple of years so no reason to break the streak now right?
I thought a quick visit might help and it did.
Welcome back bro, see you tomorrow then eh?
-
Dang.Â
As it turns out, I fucking hate Day 6.
I spent some time this morning looking through the Words Of Wisdom and have set aside some time later this afternoon to kick my own ass.
Reading my posts from before make me feel like complete shit.
I should have paid attention. I should have listened.Â
I should have stayed accountable.
Now I'm back here. In the basement.Â
Typing shit randomly to keep my mind off chew, like a Grade-A fucktard.
If I could challenge myself to a fight in the parking lot after work, I assure you, I would wreck my own shit.Â
Just for being a dumbass.
I must have passed like a zillion convenience stores today.
I swear they're multiplying.Â
At one point this morning, I thought I could actually taste wintergreen in my pie-hole.
Then I thought of a couple of things...
First, I've proven that I can let people down once, but it would really suck to do it twice.
Second, I really want to give my wife the gift of 150 Days Quit on our anniversary this year.
And third, I tried to come up with some things that would be appropriate alternatives to me asking the convenience store clerk for a can of dip...
1. Lean over and lick the PIN pad thing on the counter.
2. Use one of the rebel flag lighters in that rack thing to light my ball-fro on fire.
3. See how much coffee I can drink...right from the tap.
4. Bash my head through the scratch-off ticket glass on the counter.
Any of these sound awesome...? No. They don't.
Well, neither does asking the clerk for a can of dip. I won't do it. Not today.
And the reason I won't is related to the reason I fucked up before.
I won't because I'm here.Â
And I fucked up because I wasn't.
Let that be a lesson, bitches. I learned it the hard way.
Day 6 does suck and its these times you wrote that will remind all of us of our promise!
Like it or not, you have a gift, reading how your struggling will remind everyone here what not to do. 'zombie' I am amazed by the way you can sum up not only how you feel right now but how everyone feels when they are at those early stages and to some extent the later down the way craves that sneak up on ya!
One day at a time brother, one day at a time.
I love how you sneak a 'zombie' in there without skipping a beat. 'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup'
-
Dang.Â
As it turns out, I fucking hate Day 6.
I spent some time this morning looking through the Words Of Wisdom and have set aside some time later this afternoon to kick my own ass.
Reading my posts from before make me feel like complete shit.
I should have paid attention. I should have listened.Â
I should have stayed accountable.
Now I'm back here. In the basement.Â
Typing shit randomly to keep my mind off chew, like a Grade-A fucktard.
If I could challenge myself to a fight in the parking lot after work, I assure you, I would wreck my own shit.Â
Just for being a dumbass.
I must have passed like a zillion convenience stores today.
I swear they're multiplying.Â
At one point this morning, I thought I could actually taste wintergreen in my pie-hole.
Then I thought of a couple of things...
First, I've proven that I can let people down once, but it would really suck to do it twice.
Second, I really want to give my wife the gift of 150 Days Quit on our anniversary this year.
And third, I tried to come up with some things that would be appropriate alternatives to me asking the convenience store clerk for a can of dip...
1. Lean over and lick the PIN pad thing on the counter.
2. Use one of the rebel flag lighters in that rack thing to light my ball-fro on fire.
3. See how much coffee I can drink...right from the tap.
4. Bash my head through the scratch-off ticket glass on the counter.
Any of these sound awesome...? No. They don't.
Well, neither does asking the clerk for a can of dip. I won't do it. Not today.
And the reason I won't is related to the reason I fucked up before.
I won't because I'm here.Â
And I fucked up because I wasn't.
Let that be a lesson, bitches. I learned it the hard way.
Day 6 does suck and its these times you wrote that will remind all of us of our promise!
Like it or not, you have a gift, reading how your struggling will remind everyone here what not to do. 'zombie' I am amazed by the way you can sum up not only how you feel right now but how everyone feels when they are at those early stages and to some extent the later down the way craves that sneak up on ya!
One day at a time brother, one day at a time.
SWJ and I seem to have something in common (yes, I am reaching here. Bear with me); those of you who have been paying attention for the paltry 31 days I have been roaming these hallways may have noticed it as well. I have a disproportionate store of anger reserved for convenience store clerks, the agents who have been the physical enablers of my addiction. And yes, in my case, a particular distaste for the Indian ones, the guys who wore Polo shirts and didn't know the difference between pouches, fine, and long cut, let alone flavors. By the time I finally navigated Suresh to the correct tin, a queue of 5 or 6 impatient white-trash folks had always built up behind me, fully engaged in my tobacco selection and navigation process, and I ultimately felt like a complete fucking idiot.
No more. The white trash folks can move quicker to the register with their Keystone Light and endless lottery purchases. Ramdeep can forget the difference between Classic and Wintergreen. And I can drive the fuck on by, every time.
Just for shits, maybe I'll drop in and lick the pin pad like SWJ suggests. If you think about it, as nasty as that sounds, it's probably a better use of your oral facilities than stuffing the unspecified components contained in a dip in your mouth.
--Russ
-
I'm on day 755 and rolled in here because I had a small fleeting crave today. I figured proactive visits like this have worked the past couple of years so no reason to break the streak now right?Â
I thought a quick visit might help and it did.
Welcome back bro, see you tomorrow then eh?
Roger that.
-
No more. The white trash folks can move quicker to the register with their Keystone Light and endless lottery purchases. Ramdeep can forget the difference between Classic and Wintergreen. And I can drive the fuck on by, every time.
Just for shits, maybe I'll drop in and lick the pin pad like SWJ suggests. If you think about it, as nasty as that sounds, it's probably a better use of your oral facilities than stuffing the unspecified components contained in a dip in your mouth.
'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup'
Classic!!!!
-
No more. The white trash folks can move quicker to the register with their Keystone Light and endless lottery purchases. Ramdeep can forget the difference between Classic and Wintergreen. And I can drive the fuck on by, every time.
Just for shits, maybe I'll drop in and lick the pin pad like SWJ suggests. If you think about it, as nasty as that sounds, it's probably a better use of your oral facilities than stuffing the unspecified components contained in a dip in your mouth.
'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup'
Classic!!!!
LOOT has better use for your oral facilities....'bj'
-
The creative writing skills in this forum are awesome - thank you for the great laughs.
Since I am starting a new quit - 4.7563 days anything that helps - helps.
I just put some Decaf coffee grounds into a can of three year old Bacc Off (that I kept since my last failed quit). I don't remember St. Pattys day too much - no I wasn't drinking - I don't hardly drink - it was day Uno.
The dog tried to bite me last night - my daughter says I am mean - my wife wonders what is going on and that I am Incorrigible - which by the way I had to look at the text to just see how that was spelled again.
All this to say that I think this quit is going to work better than any other quit.
I've got a goal - a reward if you will - from my wife - the okay to plan a trip in October if I can make 120days - I had a quit date and last chew - that helped.
I've got some people praying for me - yes I believe in a Creator and a Savior and a Helper.
The cravings last about 3 minutes - that little info has helped a bunch.
Not really sure why I'm writing this - maybe it's my desire to write an HOF speech in 96 days. Oh well later
-
Not really sure why I'm writing this - maybe it's my desire to write an HOF speech in 96 days.
Dude, I'll admit that I'm perhaps the last guy who should be giving advice around here, but it's my page, so I'll holla anyway.
1. You'll get to 100 days. I'll get there with you we'll do it together.
2. You keep writing. Whatever keeps you quit, you keep doing it.
Unless, of course, you find that the only thing that keeps your mind off tobacco is to pack your ass-crack with peanut butter and lurk around outside the local Wal-Mart with your gramma's panties on your head.
In that case, you should do something else.
3. Lean on the dudes here. Especially after 100 days. Trust me.
Congratulations on your decision, bro.
I'll be quit with you tomorrow.
-
Unless, of course, you find that the only thing that keeps your mind off tobacco is to pack your ass-crack with peanut butter and lurk around outside the local Wal-Mart with your gramma's panties on your head.
In that case, you should do something else.
Now wait a minute. Next to KTC this has been instrumental in my quit. Gmann taught me this little trick and though it may be a little unorthodox compared to some methods, its been getting the job done. :huh:
Welcome dave, glad to be quit with you man. Like SWJ said, do whatever you gotta do to keep that shit out of your mouth one day at a time. We're all with you.
Drop me a PM if you need anything, except my peanut butter. I don't share that.
-
No more. The white trash folks can move quicker to the register with their Keystone Light and endless lottery purchases. Ramdeep can forget the difference between Classic and Wintergreen. And I can drive the fuck on by, every time.
Just for shits, maybe I'll drop in and lick the pin pad like SWJ suggests. If you think about it, as nasty as that sounds, it's probably a better use of your oral facilities than stuffing the unspecified components contained in a dip in your mouth.
'crackup'Â 'crackup'Â 'crackup'Â 'crackup'Â 'crackup'
Classic!!!!
LOOT has better use for your oral facilities....'bj'
You a pillow-biter, Loot?
-
No more. The white trash folks can move quicker to the register with their Keystone Light and endless lottery purchases. Ramdeep can forget the difference between Classic and Wintergreen. And I can drive the fuck on by, every time.
Just for shits, maybe I'll drop in and lick the pin pad like SWJ suggests. If you think about it, as nasty as that sounds, it's probably a better use of your oral facilities than stuffing the unspecified components contained in a dip in your mouth.
'crackup'Â 'crackup'Â 'crackup'Â 'crackup'Â 'crackup'
Classic!!!!
LOOT has better use for your oral facilities....'bj'
You a pillow-biter, Loot?
'crackup'
It would seem so, Russ. Funny shit right here....hahah
-
So I've been thinking a lot about triggers lately.
You know, those things that happen everyday that make you want a dip...
I walked in the house yesterday and there, on the counter was my new Car Driver magazine.
My synapses started firing as soon as I saw it, and here's how my brain breaks the shit down...
Car Driver magazine = Prime dump-taking reading material
Taking a dump = Me-Time
Dump + Car Driver + Chew = Poopular Nirvana
So I concluded that, at least in my regrettable case, everything's a trigger.
And I mean everything.
I've forgotten how much less time I spend in the bathroom when I don't dip.
For Christ's sake, I've probably spent half my life sitting on the fucking john, just so I could dip in peace.
Unbelievable.
It's important to know what your triggers are I'm going to have to especially watch mine.
Mostly because they're every-fucking-where.
I've just got to stay here. Randomly writing when I need to.
And staying far away from Car Driver.
-
So I've been thinking a lot about triggers lately.
You know, those things that happen everyday that make you want a dip...
I walked in the house yesterday and there, on the counter was my new Car Driver magazine.
My synapses started firing as soon as I saw it, and here's how my brain breaks the shit down...
Car Driver magazine = Prime dump-taking reading material
Taking a dump = Me-Time
Dump + Car Driver + Chew = Poopular Nirvana
So I concluded that, at least in my regrettable case, everything's a trigger.
And I mean everything.
I've forgotten how much less time I spend in the bathroom when I don't dip.
For Christ's sake, I've probably spent half my life sitting on the fucking john, just so I could dip in peace.
Unbelievable.
It's important to know what your triggers are I'm going to have to especially watch mine.
Mostly because they're every-fucking-where.
I've just got to stay here. Randomly writing when I need to.
And staying far away from Car Driver.
Lol. I used to time my dumps by not spitting. When my mouth was completely full of nicotine ridden saliva (normally about 10 minutes) it was time to get off. However, if I was especially wrapped up in a game, I would spread my legs, take careful aim so as not to hit the ol weiner, and let the stream of nastyness go. Then I'd be up for another 10 minutes or so.
-
So I've been thinking a lot about triggers lately.
You know, those things that happen everyday that make you want a dip...
I walked in the house yesterday and there, on the counter was my new Car Driver magazine.
My synapses started firing as soon as I saw it, and here's how my brain breaks the shit down...
Car Driver magazine = Prime dump-taking reading material
Taking a dump = Me-Time
Dump + Car Driver + Chew = Poopular Nirvana
So I concluded that, at least in my regrettable case, everything's a trigger.
And I mean everything.
I've forgotten how much less time I spend in the bathroom when I don't dip.
For Christ's sake, I've probably spent half my life sitting on the fucking john, just so I could dip in peace.
Unbelievable.
It's important to know what your triggers are I'm going to have to especially watch mine.
Mostly because they're every-fucking-where.
I've just got to stay here. Randomly writing when I need to.
And staying far away from Car Driver.
I am sorta new here (day 34) and you were basically the first person I watched who had been quit a long time cave. It sucked to be you for a while there and I am sure it still does. Not trying to beat up on you or anything. Actually want to say thanks. I have read about the false confidence that comes with a big "what day are you on" number. Looks like your living proof.
Thanks for having the courage to write about it and take your beating. I can't say for sure because I am a big time "one day at a time" guy, but I am hoping on, let's say, day 3234, I remember you and don't do it.
Again, thanks
rangy96
-
So I've been thinking a lot about triggers lately.
You know, those things that happen everyday that make you want a dip...
I walked in the house yesterday and there, on the counter was my new Car Driver magazine.
My synapses started firing as soon as I saw it, and here's how my brain breaks the shit down...
Car Driver magazine = Prime dump-taking reading material
Taking a dump = Me-Time
Dump + Car Driver + Chew = Poopular Nirvana
So I concluded that, at least in my regrettable case, everything's a trigger.
And I mean everything.
I've forgotten how much less time I spend in the bathroom when I don't dip.
For Christ's sake, I've probably spent half my life sitting on the fucking john, just so I could dip in peace.
Unbelievable.
It's important to know what your triggers are I'm going to have to especially watch mine.
Mostly because they're every-fucking-where.
I've just got to stay here. Randomly writing when I need to.
And staying far away from Car Driver.
I am sorta new here (day 34) and you were basically the first person I watched who had been quit a long time cave. It sucked to be you for a while there and I am sure it still does. Not trying to beat up on you or anything. Actually want to say thanks. I have read about the false confidence that comes with a big "what day are you on" number. Looks like your living proof.Â
Thanks for having the courage to write about it and take your beating. I can't say for sure because I am a big time "one day at a time" guy, but I am hoping on, let's say, day 3234, I remember you and don't do it.
Again, thanks
Bro, you're a better man than I am.
Keep hold of your "one day at a time" mentality Stay Here.
It'll likely make the difference between a WIN and a FAIL.
Congratulations on your decision, bro on your 34 days.
I'm quit with you today.
-
So I've been thinking a lot about triggers lately.
You know, those things that happen everyday that make you want a dip...
I walked in the house yesterday and there, on the counter was my new Car Driver magazine.
My synapses started firing as soon as I saw it, and here's how my brain breaks the shit down...
Car Driver magazine = Prime dump-taking reading material
Taking a dump = Me-Time
Dump + Car Driver + Chew = Poopular Nirvana
So I concluded that, at least in my regrettable case, everything's a trigger.
And I mean everything.
I've forgotten how much less time I spend in the bathroom when I don't dip.
For Christ's sake, I've probably spent half my life sitting on the fucking john, just so I could dip in peace.
Unbelievable.
It's important to know what your triggers are I'm going to have to especially watch mine.
Mostly because they're every-fucking-where.
I've just got to stay here. Randomly writing when I need to.
And staying far away from Car Driver.
Triggers, triggers, triggers.....
They are everywhere I too used to be a dumper-chewer-spitter, now I just read either ESPN The Mag or Field and Stream and like you my dumps have not been taking nearly as long!
Keep up the random writing as you seem to write what many of us are thinking and feeling.
One day at a time brother, one day at a time.
-
So I've been thinking a lot about triggers lately.
You know, those things that happen everyday that make you want a dip...
I walked in the house yesterday and there, on the counter was my new Car Driver magazine.
My synapses started firing as soon as I saw it, and here's how my brain breaks the shit down...
Car Driver magazine = Prime dump-taking reading material
Taking a dump = Me-Time
Dump + Car Driver + Chew = Poopular Nirvana
So I concluded that, at least in my regrettable case, everything's a trigger.
And I mean everything.
I've forgotten how much less time I spend in the bathroom when I don't dip.
For Christ's sake, I've probably spent half my life sitting on the fucking john, just so I could dip in peace.
Unbelievable.
It's important to know what your triggers are I'm going to have to especially watch mine.
Mostly because they're every-fucking-where.
I've just got to stay here. Randomly writing when I need to.
And staying far away from Car Driver.
251 days for me have and faced a lot of triggers and dealt with em mostly by sticking to my word and texting my quit brothers when needed. While that works for me sometimes the triggers just piss me the fuck off. I know I am never gonna make a long drive without needing a plan in place, I can live with that because I have no choice I am addict. The triggers that piss me off are the little ones. I spend about half my life on the road and work and hotel time were prime dipping time, I deal with it fine but sometimes all the annoying little triggers just bug the shit out of me. I find the only solution for dealing with all the annoying triggers is too defeat them one trigger at a time. Sorry kinda rambled, your "triggers are everywhere" kinda got me going.
-
So I've been thinking a lot about triggers lately.
You know, those things that happen everyday that make you want a dip...
I walked in the house yesterday and there, on the counter was my new Car Driver magazine.
My synapses started firing as soon as I saw it, and here's how my brain breaks the shit down...
Car Driver magazine = Prime dump-taking reading material
Taking a dump = Me-Time
Dump + Car Driver + Chew = Poopular Nirvana
So I concluded that, at least in my regrettable case, everything's a trigger.
And I mean everything.
I've forgotten how much less time I spend in the bathroom when I don't dip.
For Christ's sake, I've probably spent half my life sitting on the fucking john, just so I could dip in peace.
Unbelievable.
It's important to know what your triggers are I'm going to have to especially watch mine.
Mostly because they're every-fucking-where.
I've just got to stay here. Randomly writing when I need to.
And staying far away from Car Driver.
I know what you mean .. some of the weirdest things have triggered a cravin .. like my playstation controller. i wanted to play some world at war and I had to put it back and get out of there for a bit.
-
So I've been thinking a lot about triggers lately.
You know, those things that happen everyday that make you want a dip...
I walked in the house yesterday and there, on the counter was my new Car Driver magazine.
My synapses started firing as soon as I saw it, and here's how my brain breaks the shit down...
Car Driver magazine = Prime dump-taking reading material
Taking a dump = Me-Time
Dump + Car Driver + Chew = Poopular Nirvana
So I concluded that, at least in my regrettable case, everything's a trigger.
And I mean everything.
I've forgotten how much less time I spend in the bathroom when I don't dip.
For Christ's sake, I've probably spent half my life sitting on the fucking john, just so I could dip in peace.
Unbelievable.
It's important to know what your triggers are I'm going to have to especially watch mine.
Mostly because they're every-fucking-where.
I've just got to stay here. Randomly writing when I need to.
And staying far away from Car Driver.
I've had the everything is a trigger conversation with myself several times. But then again I chewed for 38 years, was never a ninja about it, and frankly it was part of my persona (how sick is that). I was the "pusher" for several ninjas at work. Peed and spit my wad at the very end of each night, popped a fresh one each morning before I got out of bed.
The only time I wasn't chewing is when I was sleeping.
I purposely am not avoiding any trigger places or activities, otherwise I couldn't do anything. Turns out I can do all those things without chew, despite what the nic bitch tells me...
-
So I've been thinking a lot about triggers lately.
You know, those things that happen everyday that make you want a dip...
I walked in the house yesterday and there, on the counter was my new Car Driver magazine.
My synapses started firing as soon as I saw it, and here's how my brain breaks the shit down...
Car Driver magazine = Prime dump-taking reading material
Taking a dump = Me-Time
Dump + Car Driver + Chew = Poopular Nirvana
So I concluded that, at least in my regrettable case, everything's a trigger.
And I mean everything.
I've forgotten how much less time I spend in the bathroom when I don't dip.
For Christ's sake, I've probably spent half my life sitting on the fucking john, just so I could dip in peace.
Unbelievable.
It's important to know what your triggers are I'm going to have to especially watch mine.
Mostly because they're every-fucking-where.
I've just got to stay here. Randomly writing when I need to.
And staying far away from Car Driver.
I've had the everything is a trigger conversation with myself several times. But then again I chewed for 38 years, was never a ninja about it, and frankly it was part of my persona (how sick is that). I was the "pusher" for several ninjas at work. Peed and spit my wad at the very end of each night, popped a fresh one each morning before I got out of bed.
The only time I wasn't chewing is when I was sleeping.
I purposely am not avoiding any trigger places or activities, otherwise I couldn't do anything. Turns out I can do all those things without chew, despite what the nic bitch tells me...
Good stuff, the more you do while remaining strong to your quit seems to make everything easier. Stay strong and you know the nic bitch is there just dont let her win tell her to fuck off at every chance!
-
So I've been thinking a lot about triggers lately.
You know, those things that happen everyday that make you want a dip...
I walked in the house yesterday and there, on the counter was my new Car Driver magazine.
My synapses started firing as soon as I saw it, and here's how my brain breaks the shit down...
Car Driver magazine = Prime dump-taking reading material
Taking a dump = Me-Time
Dump + Car Driver + Chew = Poopular Nirvana
So I concluded that, at least in my regrettable case, everything's a trigger.
And I mean everything.
I've forgotten how much less time I spend in the bathroom when I don't dip.
For Christ's sake, I've probably spent half my life sitting on the fucking john, just so I could dip in peace.
Unbelievable.
It's important to know what your triggers are I'm going to have to especially watch mine.
Mostly because they're every-fucking-where.
I've just got to stay here. Randomly writing when I need to.
And staying far away from Car Driver.
This post has been edited by SWJ on Mar 21, 2012, 6:27 am
Thats great stuff. SWJ you're like a medium or something.
My "poop nirvana" was popular mechanics.
Like dgon, i had to do the ole "silence of the lambs" weenie trick so that i could spit.
Actually, have spent so long in there, that i fell when i stood up. My legs had fallen asleep.
And, who hasn't enjoyed spitting in some nice hotel glassware?
Also, spent a lot of my life playing PS3 with a huge gagger in late at night, and would put one in before i pulled out of my driveway no matter how far i was going (hell even to drive to the gas station to get more DeadSeal).
I can live with that because I have no choice I am addict
That, Lube, is great, great stuff. Important to remember stuff. Quit chub stuff. Like, put in my cave plan stuff. Thanks.
PS: I've changed my routines slowly. Instead of popular mechanics + dump, I now read KTC on my phone. Yeah, this post is from my crapper. :wub:
-
The New Game
What with all the hoopla about guys like Tim Tebow and Peyton Manning, I've been thinking a lot about the sport I invented.
It's way more awesome than any game that's ever been played. And I mean, in the history of the universe.
Even the name of it is awesome...
Ballsy-ball Ball.
It's called that because it takes balls to play it. And because the name of almost every kick-ass sport ends with the word "ball".
So the promo theme music would be, like, AC/DC admonishing spectators to "Lock up your back door and run for your life".
Lo Pan would make an appearance in the commercials too.
Just pointing his finger in slow motion and looking spooky.
Needless to say, the commercials would be awesome and everyone would want to tune in.
Anyway, here's how it would work.
The game lasts all year and the object is for your team to find, steal, and keep the ballsy-ball away from my team.
And here's who might be on my team, for example...
Oprah
Barney Frank
Shamu The Whale
My douche-bag neighbor
6 or 7 monkeys
Joe Rogan
What...? you might be saying... That's crazy! I'll take dudes like Peyton Manning and Hulk Hogan...! I'll dominate...!
Guess what. You're shit is ruined before the game even starts.
Hypothetically, here's why.
So let's say the ballsy-ball starts off with your team in January. And you give it to Manning to hide in one of his fuckteen houses.
Guess what I do.
I find out where it is and I send in my monkeys.
They trash the fucking place, steal the Ballsy-ball and, for extra style points, they shave off half of Manning's hair.
Now I'm winning 5,000 to 0, and you look like a complete fag.
So, unbeknownst to you, I give the Ballsy-ball to Barney Frank who spends the rest of the year with it hidden up his ass.
You, consequently, never find it and lose horribly.
(If, by the way, you'd have picked somebody like George Michael or Richard Simmons, you might have found it...)
You see...? So, this epic shit goes on all year long. Every day and every night.
You give the Ballsy-ball to, say, Kelly Ripa.
But I find it and me and Joe Rogan bust in on her, take it away and teabag her for good measure and extra points.
6,000 to 0.
Then I secretly take it to Florida, wrap it in herring, and feed it to Shamu.
Good luck finding that, shit-for-brains!
So at the end of the year, the entire season is shown on TV during the Ballsy-ball Ball Bowl.
It's like a two-day epic telecast and it'd be on cable, so we could cuss.
Hosted by, like, Gene Simmons and Brent Mussberger.
GENE: Brent, what the fuck...? Let's roll the tape from January.
BRENT: Right you are, Gene.
GENE: A pure, fucking stroke of genius, Brent, using those monkeys like that!
BRENT: Right you are, Gene. As you know, monkeys just don't give a shit about anything!
Slow motion montage of my monkey team fucking up Peyton Manning's house, screeching and running around and throwing their poop, and Manning crying and hollering.
As you might imagine, the sponsorship potential is astronomical.
"...Next week, some guy goes pawing through whale shit to try to turn the tide in the 2012 Ballsy-ball Ball match...Brought to you by Dorito's...!"
The thing is, you never know what's going to happen.
Pretty much anything could go down...
People would be telling their grandkids about the 2013 Ballsy-ball Ball Bowl and how Prince had the ballsy-ball for 3 months before Paula Deen found out about it and tuned him up and then hid it in a stew pot until April, when the dudes from Jackass hockey-punched her in the vagina and hid the ballsy-ball in a Port-o-Pot, until Richard Simmon's found it and blah blah blah blah blah.
Anyway, I was telling my wife about this idea this morning at breakfast.
Predictably, she was not impressed.
But I think mostly because I already picked the monkeys for my team.
99% of all dentists agree that Ballsy-ball Ball would be the shizzle.
-
The New Game
What with all the hoopla about guys like Tim Tebow and Peyton Manning, I've been thinking a lot about the sport I invented.
It's way more awesome than any game that's ever been played. And I mean, in the history of the universe.
Even the name of it is awesome...
Ballsy-ball Ball.
It's called that because it takes balls to play it. And because the name of almost every kick-ass sport ends with the word "ball".
So the promo theme music would be, like, AC/DC admonishing spectators to "Lock up your back door and run for your life".
Lo Pan would make an appearance in the commercials too.
Just pointing his finger in slow motion and looking spooky.
Needless to say, the commercials would be awesome and everyone would want to tune in.
Anyway, here's how it would work.
The game lasts all year and the object is for your team to find, steal, and keep the ballsy-ball away from my team.
And here's who might be on my team, for example...
Oprah
Barney Frank
Shamu The Whale
My douche-bag neighbor
6 or 7 monkeys
Joe Rogan
What...? you might be saying... That's crazy! I'll take dudes like Peyton Manning and Hulk Hogan...! I'll dominate...!
Guess what. You're shit is ruined before the game even starts.
Hypothetically, here's why.
So let's say the ballsy-ball starts off with your team in January. And you give it to Manning to hide in one of his fuckteen houses.
Guess what I do.
I find out where it is and I send in my monkeys.
They trash the fucking place, steal the Ballsy-ball and, for extra style points, they shave off half of Manning's hair.
Now I'm winning 5,000 to 0, and you look like a complete fag.
So, unbeknownst to you, I give the Ballsy-ball to Barney Frank who spends the rest of the year with it hidden up his ass.
You, consequently, never find it and lose horribly.
(If, by the way, you'd have picked somebody like George Michael or Richard Simmons, you might have found it...)
You see...? So, this epic shit goes on all year long. Every day and every night.
You give the Ballsy-ball to, say, Kelly Ripa.
But I find it and me and Joe Rogan bust in on her, take it away and teabag her for good measure and extra points.
6,000 to 0.
Then I secretly take it to Florida, wrap it in herring, and feed it to Shamu.
Good luck finding that, shit-for-brains!
So at the end of the year, the entire season is shown on TV during the Ballsy-ball Ball Bowl.
It's like a two-day epic telecast and it'd be on cable, so we could cuss.
Hosted by, like, Gene Simmons and Brent Mussberger.
GENE: Brent, what the fuck...? Let's roll the tape from January.
BRENT: Right you are, Gene.
GENE: A pure, fucking stroke of genius, Brent, using those monkeys like that!
BRENT: Right you are, Gene. As you know, monkeys just don't give a shit about anything!
Slow motion montage of my monkey team fucking up Peyton Manning's house, screeching and running around and throwing their poop, and Manning crying and hollering.
As you might imagine, the sponsorship potential is astronomical.
"...Next week, some guy goes pawing through whale shit to try to turn the tide in the 2012 Ballsy-ball Ball match...Brought to you by Dorito's...!"
The thing is, you never know what's going to happen.
Pretty much anything could go down...
People would be telling their grandkids about the 2013 Ballsy-ball Ball Bowl and how Prince had the ballsy-ball for 3 months before Paula Deen found out about it and tuned him up and then hid it in a stew pot until April, when the dudes from Jackass hockey-punched her in the vagina and hid the ballsy-ball in a Port-o-Pot, until Steve from Blue's Clues found it and blah blah blah blah blah.
Anyway, I was telling my wife about this idea this morning at breakfast.
Predictably, she was not impressed.
But I think mostly because I already picked the monkeys for my team.
99% of all dentists agree that Ballsy-ball Ball would be the shizzle.
-
Apology
So, over the past 8 days, I've been doing an awful lot of thinking about KTC.
As a result, for those of you who know my story of assholery and failure, I've reached out to a couple of very specific people.
You know, to apologize.
To apologize genuinely for being the one to have let them down...
To apologize for having been the one to have disappointed them...
And to admit my regret at having been weaker than I wanted to be and simultaneously devoid of excuses.
This then, is my humble attempt to sincerely apologize to the rest of you.
Each and every person here today deserves my apology.
Some of you will fail hopefully many more of you will not, but you are here today.
You're therefore part of a team...a crew...a brotherhood...a pact...
Just as I was. And I took a big shit on it and on all of you.
Whether or not we knew each other then or know each other now doesn't really matter.
The pact was the same then as it is now.
And I did not do right by any of it.
God knows, my intention is to right that wrong. For myself as well as you.
But between now and then, I want you to know how deeply sorry I am.
The regret and the shame are more real than I ever could have imagined and I tell you now that I am truly sorry.
In my heart, I know what I want to do.
I know what I have to do.
And I know what to do to get it done.
Before I get into the business of getting it done, I just needed to say what needed to be said...
-
Apology
So, over the past 8 days, I've been doing an awful lot of thinking about KTC.
As a result, for those of you who know my story of assholery and failure, I've reached out to a couple of very specific people.
You know, to apologize.
To apologize genuinely for being the one to have let them down...
To apologize for having been the one to have disappointed them...
And to admit my regret at having been weaker than I wanted to be and simultaneously devoid of excuses.
This then, is my humble attempt to sincerely apologize to the rest of you.
Each and every person here today deserves my apology.
Some of you will fail hopefully many more of you will not, but you are here today.
You're therefore part of a team...a crew...a brotherhood...a pact...
Just as I was. And I took a big shit on it and on all of you.
Whether or not we knew each other then or know each other now doesn't really matter.
The pact was the same then as it is now.
And I did not do right by any of it.
God knows, my intention is to right that wrong. For myself as well as you.
But between now and then, I want you to know how deeply sorry I am.
The regret and the shame are more real than I ever could have imagined and I tell you now that I am truly sorry.
In my heart, I know what I want to do.
I know what I have to do.
And I know what to do to get it done.
Before I get into the business of getting it done, I just needed to say what needed to be said...
Apology accepted.
I havent known you for a very long time and still truly dont know you but we have a common goal in quiting tobacco and staying away from nicotene.
I hope to get to know you better if for no other reason you are inspiring and a role model for how to quit as well as how to cave and from all I can see you truly have cavers remorse.
I will never pretend to know you like I know my neighbors but thru this site we are and always will be quit brothers addicted brothers, we can never truly stray from this site or from the people we have came in contact with thru this site.
I am happy to be quit with you today, stay stong in your quit and its one day at a time bro.
-
Apology
So, over the past 8 days, I've been doing an awful lot of thinking about KTC.
As a result, for those of you who know my story of assholery and failure, I've reached out to a couple of very specific people.
You know, to apologize.
To apologize genuinely for being the one to have let them down...
To apologize for having been the one to have disappointed them...
And to admit my regret at having been weaker than I wanted to be and simultaneously devoid of excuses.
This then, is my humble attempt to sincerely apologize to the rest of you.
Each and every person here today deserves my apology.
Some of you will fail hopefully many more of you will not, but you are here today.
You're therefore part of a team...a crew...a brotherhood...a pact...
Just as I was. And I took a big shit on it and on all of you.
Whether or not we knew each other then or know each other now doesn't really matter.
The pact was the same then as it is now.
And I did not do right by any of it.
God knows, my intention is to right that wrong. For myself as well as you.
But between now and then, I want you to know how deeply sorry I am.
The regret and the shame are more real than I ever could have imagined and I tell you now that I am truly sorry.
In my heart, I know what I want to do.
I know what I have to do.
And I know what to do to get it done.
Before I get into the business of getting it done, I just needed to say what needed to be said...
Did you start your apology with your wife and kids? Or did you hide it from them? Maybe you 'splained this and LOOT missed it.
-
Did you start your apology with your wife and kids? Or did you hide it from them? Maybe you 'splained this and LOOT missed it.
It started with my family, bro, just as it should have.
See below.
...As a result, for those of you who know my story of assholery and failure, I've reached out to a couple of very specific people.
You know, to apologize.
To apologize genuinely for being the one to have let them down...
To apologize for having been the one to have disappointed them...
And to admit my regret at having been weaker than I wanted to be and simultaneously devoid of excuses....
-
Did you start your apology with your wife and kids? Or did you hide it from them? Maybe you 'splained this and LOOT missed it.
It started with my family, bro, just as it should have.
See below.
...As a result, for those of you who know my story of assholery and failure, I've reached out to a couple of very specific people.
You know, to apologize.
To apologize genuinely for being the one to have let them down...
To apologize for having been the one to have disappointed them...
And to admit my regret at having been weaker than I wanted to be and simultaneously devoid of excuses....
Good for you.
LOOT hopes today sucks worse than yesterday.
Never again...for any reason.
-
The New Game
What with all the hoopla about guys like Tim Tebow and Peyton Manning, I've been thinking a lot about the sport I invented.
It's way more awesome than any game that's ever been played. And I mean, in the history of the universe.
Even the name of it is awesome...
Ballsy-ball Ball.
It's called that because it takes balls to play it. And because the name of almost every kick-ass sport ends with the word "ball".
So the promo theme music would be, like, AC/DC admonishing spectators to "Lock up your back door and run for your life".
Lo Pan would make an appearance in the commercials too.
Just pointing his finger in slow motion and looking spooky.
Needless to say, the commercials would be awesome and everyone would want to tune in.
Anyway, here's how it would work.
The game lasts all year and the object is for your team to find, steal, and keep the ballsy-ball away from my team.
And here's who might be on my team, for example...
Oprah
Barney Frank
Shamu The Whale
My douche-bag neighbor
6 or 7 monkeys
Joe Rogan
What...? you might be saying... That's crazy! I'll take dudes like Peyton Manning and Hulk Hogan...! I'll dominate...!
Guess what. You're shit is ruined before the game even starts.
Hypothetically, here's why.
So let's say the ballsy-ball starts off with your team in January. And you give it to Manning to hide in one of his fuckteen houses.
Guess what I do.
I find out where it is and I send in my monkeys.
They trash the fucking place, steal the Ballsy-ball and, for extra style points, they shave off half of Manning's hair.
Now I'm winning 5,000 to 0, and you look like a complete fag.
So, unbeknownst to you, I give the Ballsy-ball to Barney Frank who spends the rest of the year with it hidden up his ass.
You, consequently, never find it and lose horribly.
(If, by the way, you'd have picked somebody like George Michael or Richard Simmons, you might have found it...)
You see...? So, this epic shit goes on all year long. Every day and every night.
You give the Ballsy-ball to, say, Kelly Ripa.
But I find it and me and Joe Rogan bust in on her, take it away and teabag her for good measure and extra points.
6,000 to 0.
Then I secretly take it to Florida, wrap it in herring, and feed it to Shamu.
Good luck finding that, shit-for-brains!
So at the end of the year, the entire season is shown on TV during the Ballsy-ball Ball Bowl.
It's like a two-day epic telecast and it'd be on cable, so we could cuss.
Hosted by, like, Gene Simmons and Brent Mussberger.
GENE: Brent, what the fuck...? Let's roll the tape from January.
BRENT: Right you are, Gene.
GENE: A pure, fucking stroke of genius, Brent, using those monkeys like that!
BRENT: Right you are, Gene. As you know, monkeys just don't give a shit about anything!
Slow motion montage of my monkey team fucking up Peyton Manning's house, screeching and running around and throwing their poop, and Manning crying and hollering.
As you might imagine, the sponsorship potential is astronomical.
"...Next week, some guy goes pawing through whale shit to try to turn the tide in the 2012 Ballsy-ball Ball match...Brought to you by Dorito's...!"
The thing is, you never know what's going to happen.
Pretty much anything could go down...
People would be telling their grandkids about the 2013 Ballsy-ball Ball Bowl and how Prince had the ballsy-ball for 3 months before Paula Deen found out about it and tuned him up and then hid it in a stew pot until April, when the dudes from Jackass hockey-punched her in the vagina and hid the ballsy-ball in a Port-o-Pot, until Steve from Blue's Clues found it and blah blah blah blah blah.
Anyway, I was telling my wife about this idea this morning at breakfast.
Predictably, she was not impressed.
But I think mostly because I already picked the monkeys for my team.
99% of all dentists agree that Ballsy-ball Ball would be the shizzle.
Holy Crap .. that is the coolest rant I have ever seen in my entire life.
-
Things That Are More Difficult Than Quitting
1. Pulling your ball sac up over your head.
2. Watch an entire episode of I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant without punching yourself in the face.
3. Shit your pants. Deliberately. Right now.
4. Spank it to this chick. (http://www.bypassfanpages.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/moche.jpg)
5. Chug 2 liters of Mountain Dew Code Red without taking a breath.
6. Drink any amount of Mountain Dew Code Red without gagging.
7. Wipe your ass with your opposite hand. And do a good job.
8. Try to watch Kelly Ripa on TV without wondering what it would be like....
9. Work the word "orgasmic" into a conversation about your most recent colonoscopy.
10. Put a Pepperidge Farm Beef Log in your mouth without feeling a little weird about it.
When and if I'm struggling with my Quit, I'll remember that these are my other options.
-
Things That Are More Difficult Than Quitting
1. Pulling your ball sac up over your head.
2. Watch an entire episode of I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant without punching yourself in the face.
3. Shit your pants. Deliberately. Right now.
4. Spank it to this chick. (http://www.bypassfanpages.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/moche.jpg)
5. Chug 2 liters of Mountain Dew Code Red without taking a breath.
6. Drink any amount of Mountain Dew Code Red without gagging.
7. Wipe your ass with your opposite hand. And do a good job.
8. Try to watch Kelly Ripa on TV without wondering what it would be like....
9. Work the word "orgasmic" into a conversation about your most recent colonoscopy.
10. Put a Pepperidge Farm Beef Log in your mouth without feeling a little weird about it.
When and if I'm struggling with my Quit, I'll remember that these are my other options.
'crackup'
I like the list.
Just to specify though; when you say pull your sac over your head do you mean from the back like a do-rag or from the front like a hockey mask?
-
4. Spank it to this chick. (http://www.bypassfanpages.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/moche.jpg)
Thats a woman??!?!?!?!111?!!
'yak'
-
4. Spank it to this chick. (http://www.bypassfanpages.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/moche.jpg)
Thats a woman??!?!?!?!111?!!
'yak'
Challenge Accepted
-
4. Spank it to this chick. (http://www.bypassfanpages.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/moche.jpg)
Thats a woman??!?!?!?!111?!!
'yak'
Challenge Accepted
The mustache might make a good ball tickler...
-
4. Spank it to this chick. (http://www.bypassfanpages.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/moche.jpg)
Thats a woman??!?!?!?!111?!!
'yak'
Challenge Accepted
ewwwwwwwwww!
-
Things That Are More Difficult Than Quitting
1. Pulling your ball sac up over your head.
2. Watch an entire episode of I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant without punching yourself in the face.
3. Shit your pants. Deliberately. Right now.
4. Spank it to this chick. (http://www.bypassfanpages.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/moche.jpg)
5. Chug 2 liters of Mountain Dew Code Red without taking a breath.
6. Drink any amount of Mountain Dew Code Red without gagging.
7. Wipe your ass with your opposite hand. And do a good job.
8. Try to watch Kelly Ripa on TV without wondering what it would be like....
9. Work the word "orgasmic" into a conversation about your most recent colonoscopy.
10. Put a Pepperidge Farm Beef Log in your mouth without feeling a little weird about it.
When and if I'm struggling with my Quit, I'll remember that these are my other options.
'crackup'
I like the list.
Just to specify though; when you say pull your sac over your head do you mean from the back like a do-rag or from the front like a hockey mask?
My thought was from the front.
Like a sac-o-lantern.
-
4. Spank it to this chick. (http://www.bypassfanpages.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/moche.jpg)
Thats a woman??!?!?!?!111?!!
'yak'
Challenge Accepted
Challenge won.
It helps to make her say "Sweeping Nic Bitch's Leg a day at a time..."
-
Things That Are More Difficult Than Quitting
1. Pulling your ball sac up over your head.
2. Watch an entire episode of I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant without punching yourself in the face.
3. Shit your pants. Deliberately. Right now.
4. Spank it to this chick. (http://www.bypassfanpages.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/moche.jpg)
5. Chug 2 liters of Mountain Dew Code Red without taking a breath.
6. Drink any amount of Mountain Dew Code Red without gagging.
7. Wipe your ass with your opposite hand. And do a good job.
8. Try to watch Kelly Ripa on TV without wondering what it would be like....
9. Work the word "orgasmic" into a conversation about your most recent colonoscopy.
10. Put a Pepperidge Farm Beef Log in your mouth without feeling a little weird about it.
When and if I'm struggling with my Quit, I'll remember that these are my other options.
'crackup'
I like the list.
Just to specify though; when you say pull your sac over your head do you mean from the back like a do-rag or from the front like a hockey mask?
My thought was from the front.
Like a sac-o-lantern.
Noted.
That's very festive.
-
4. Spank it to this chick. (http://www.bypassfanpages.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/moche.jpg)
Thats a woman??!?!?!?!111?!!
'yak'
Challenge Accepted
Challenge won.
It helps to make her say "Sweeping Nic Bitch's Leg a day at a time..."
'crackup'
:unsure:
FUWP
-
Things That Are More Difficult Than Quitting
1. Pulling your ball sac up over your head.
2. Watch an entire episode of I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant without punching yourself in the face.
3. Shit your pants. Deliberately. Right now.
4. Spank it to this chick. (http://www.bypassfanpages.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/moche.jpg)
5. Chug 2 liters of Mountain Dew Code Red without taking a breath.
6. Drink any amount of Mountain Dew Code Red without gagging.
7. Wipe your ass with your opposite hand. And do a good job.
8. Try to watch Kelly Ripa on TV without wondering what it would be like....
9. Work the word "orgasmic" into a conversation about your most recent colonoscopy.
10. Put a Pepperidge Farm Beef Log in your mouth without feeling a little weird about it.
When and if I'm struggling with my Quit, I'll remember that these are my other options.
Yea, man, that's some funny stuff right there, yuk, yuk, yuk.
Too bad you couldn't have made that list up before you caved.
Oh, and you will struggle...it's coming...so you might want to keep this shit close to your chest funny man.
-
Yea, man, that's some funny stuff right there, yuk, yuk, yuk.
Too bad you couldn't have made that list up before you caved.
Oh, and you will struggle...it's coming...so you might want to keep this shit close to your chest funny man.
Just so you know, having a sense of humor isn't why I failed the first time.
I'm aware of what caused me to fail the first time and my intention to see this through is as genuine as it can be.
And I'll keep coming here and posting my thoughts.
Clearly because it helps me to do so, and not because you'll find them entertaining.
-
Yea, man, that's some funny stuff right there, yuk, yuk, yuk.
Too bad you couldn't have made that list up before you caved.
Oh, and you will struggle...it's coming...so you might want to keep this shit close to your chest funny man.
Just so you know, having a sense of humor isn't why I failed the first time.
I'm aware of what caused me to fail the first time and my intention to see this through is as genuine as it can be.
And I'll keep coming here and posting my thoughts.
Clearly because it helps me to do so, and not because you'll find them entertaining.
Keep your crazy entertaining thought comming if this is part of your release great for you and all of us who read these random thoughts of awesomness!
-
Yea, man, that's some funny stuff right there, yuk, yuk, yuk.
Too bad you couldn't have made that list up before you caved.
Oh, and you will struggle...it's coming...so you might want to keep this shit close to your chest funny man.
Just so you know, having a sense of humor isn't why I failed the first time.
I'm aware of what caused me to fail the first time and my intention to see this through is as genuine as it can be.
And I'll keep coming here and posting my thoughts.
Clearly because it helps me to do so, and not because you'll find them entertaining.
So what are you doing differently this time SWJ?
-
Yea, man, that's some funny stuff right there, yuk, yuk, yuk.
Too bad you couldn't have made that list up before you caved.
Oh, and you will struggle...it's coming...so you might want to keep this shit close to your chest funny man.
Just so you know, having a sense of humor isn't why I failed the first time.
I'm aware of what caused me to fail the first time and my intention to see this through is as genuine as it can be.
And I'll keep coming here and posting my thoughts.
Clearly because it helps me to do so, and not because you'll find them entertaining.
I've been thinking a LOT about you and your return, so let me clear the air before we go too far along, and when I say that this is JUST becoming clear to me, I mean in like the past 2 minutes.
I'm fucking pissed at you. I took your cave very, very hard.
I'm pissed like a wife who just found out her husband was cheating on her when he went out to his Friday night poker game, only to tell her he's sorry, but keeps going out to his Friday night poker game.
I find your humor fucking hysterical, but you know what? Too soon.
Yea, I said it, and I think there are others who are thinking it. Too fucking soon.
When I read your schtick now, I see no remorse. I see that older guy who never stopped going to high school parties on weekends. You know, the guy who never left his shitty town, maybe he was the football captain and hero, but now he's 28, and works at the Dollar Store, but LOVES the attention he gets when he crashes the weekend 'rager' and relives the glory days? Maybe he even buys the booze.
Now you say you've got your head and your ass wired right this time. It's just too soon for me to be convinced 'just cuz you say so'.
So excuse me for not jumping up and down and telling you how happy I am to have your shit back. Cuz while I'm VERY happy you're back, I'm going to be pissed for a long, long time.
And you get no slack from me.
And, I'll tell you something else - I've kept my fingers off the keyboard as much as I can, but today was too much.
I'm not in the least going to discourage you from posting your thoughts here, you are free too, just as I am free to comment on them; however, you will not start a new topic when the wind blows. I think you've been trying to guard your image, and hide what happened. There will be no your image before, during, or after your cave.
Yep, I've been merging them. Don't get all butt hurt over it. This is your intro page, and it's not better than mine.
-
Yea, man, that's some funny stuff right there, yuk, yuk, yuk.
Too bad you couldn't have made that list up before you caved.
Oh, and you will struggle...it's coming...so you might want to keep this shit close to your chest funny man.
Just so you know, having a sense of humor isn't why I failed the first time.
I'm aware of what caused me to fail the first time and my intention to see this through is as genuine as it can be.
And I'll keep coming here and posting my thoughts.
Clearly because it helps me to do so, and not because you'll find them entertaining.
So what are you doing differently this time SWJ?
Simply put, my intention is to stay close. To here. To June.
Previously, as long as I was here...posting roll...staying in touch...I was fine.
I, however, didn't stay. I didn't post. I didn't stay in touch. And I failed.
I know from before that it does get easier I'm looking forward to that.
Between now and then, I plan to recommit every single day and make that commitment public every single day.
By staying here...
-
Simply put, my intention is to stay close. To here. To June.
Previously, as long as I was here...posting roll...staying in touch...I was fine.
I, however, didn't stay. I didn't post. I didn't stay in touch. And I failed.
I know from before that it does get easier I'm looking forward to that.
Between now and then, I plan to recommit every single day and make that commitment public every single day.
By staying here...
Hey Brother you are quit today and all of us in June are quit with you. keep it up and keep the funny shit rolling, it helps me get through the day.
-
Simply put, my intention is to stay close. To here. To June.
Previously, as long as I was here...posting roll...staying in touch...I was fine.
I, however, didn't stay. I didn't post. I didn't stay in touch. And I failed.
I know from before that it does get easier I'm looking forward to that.
Between now and then, I plan to recommit every single day and make that commitment public every single day.
By staying here...
Hey Brother you are quit today and all of us in June are quit with you. keep it up and keep the funny shit rolling, it helps me get through the day.
I agree with nutbutter. SWJ admitted his mistakes and is taking his licks. Give him props for having the balls to come back and take the heat. I don't think he owes any more apologies.
Let him spew humor or whatever he wishes. It helps folks and we all enjoy it; dude has a gift. I quit with SWJ and all of you today.
-
Simply put, my intention is to stay close. To here. To June.
Previously, as long as I was here...posting roll...staying in touch...I was fine.
I, however, didn't stay. I didn't post. I didn't stay in touch. And I failed.
I know from before that it does get easier I'm looking forward to that.
Between now and then, I plan to recommit every single day and make that commitment public every single day.
By staying here...
Hey Brother you are quit today and all of us in June are quit with you. keep it up and keep the funny shit rolling, it helps me get through the day.
I agree with nutbutter. SWJ admitted his mistakes and is taking his licks. Give him props for having the balls to come back and take the heat. I don't think he owes any more apologies.
Let him spew humor or whatever he wishes. It helps folks and we all enjoy it; dude has a gift. I quit with SWJ and all of you today.
.... and let the people who are pizzd off get it out. Only way to move forward.
Dr phil
-
Simply put, my intention is to stay close. To here. To June.
Previously, as long as I was here...posting roll...staying in touch...I was fine.
I, however, didn't stay. I didn't post. I didn't stay in touch. And I failed.
I know from before that it does get easier I'm looking forward to that.
Between now and then, I plan to recommit every single day and make that commitment public every single day.
By staying here...
Hey Brother you are quit today and all of us in June are quit with you. keep it up and keep the funny shit rolling, it helps me get through the day.
I agree with nutbutter. SWJ admitted his mistakes and is taking his licks. Give him props for having the balls to come back and take the heat. I don't think he owes any more apologies.
Let him spew humor or whatever he wishes. It helps folks and we all enjoy it; dude has a gift. I quit with SWJ and all of you today.
.... and let the people who are pizzd off get it out. Only way to move forward.
Dr phil
I rarely have any serious cravings anymore, just the random thought that quickly disappears because I've made my promise to all of you.
But when I do have thoughts, I don't think about some assclown caver who happens to be funny. I think of all those in April 11 who have gone through the same shit with me. Who give their word each day and keep it.
I love this thread and the humor in here is timeless. I've sent many others to this thread as well. But when I need a man in the trench with me, it ain't this guy. I'm not trying to be a dick, but his word don't mean jack sheet right now.
Carry on.
-
I've been thinking a LOT about you and your return, so let me clear the air before we go too far along, and when I say that this is JUST becoming clear to me, I mean in like the past 2 minutes.
I'm fucking pissed at you. I took your cave very, very hard.Â
I'm pissed like a wife who just found out her husband was cheating on her when he went out to his Friday night poker game, only to tell her he's sorry, but keeps going out to his Friday night poker game.
I find your humor fucking hysterical, but you know what? Too soon.Â
Yea, I said it, and I think there are others who are thinking it. Too fucking soon.
When I read your schtick now, I see no remorse. I see that older guy who never stopped going to high school parties on weekends. You know, the guy who never left his shitty town, maybe he was the football captain and hero, but now he's 28, and works at the Dollar Store, but LOVES the attention he gets when he crashes the weekend 'rager' and relives the glory days? Maybe he even buys the booze.Â
Now you say you've got your head and your ass wired right this time. It's just too soon for me to be convinced 'just cuz you say so'.Â
So excuse me for not jumping up and down and telling you how happy I am to have your shit back. Cuz while I'm VERY happy you're back, I'm going to be pissed for a long, long time.
And you get no slack from me.
And, I'll tell you something else - I've kept my fingers off the keyboard as much as I can, but today was too much.
I'm not in the least going to discourage you from posting your thoughts here, you are free too, just as I am free to comment on them; however, you will not start a new topic when the wind blows. I think you've been trying to guard your image, and hide what happened. There will be no your image before, during, or after your cave.Â
Yep, I've been merging them. Don't get all butt hurt over it. This is your intro page, and it's not better than mine.
You are not just a douche and tool, but you are quite possibly the whole fucking tool bag.
It's vets like you that keep me entertained by your sheer arrogance, stupidity and addiction to this site.
It's members like SWJ that keep me entertained by truly creative and hilarious posts.
Your rage and how you tie his humor and over the top bravado comedy schtik to his cave is almost childlike in a temper tantrum kind of way.
Very little on this site is worth commenting on, but your stupidity is definitely the exception.
Today I give thanks to SWJ for true comedy brilliance and to NOLAQ for true unintentional comedy ignorance!
-
Day #4 started today. Days 1-3 were easier than I thought they would be, but today is tough. I miss my Grizzly. I miss the taste, I miss the slight buzz, I miss the smell of a brand new, freshly opened can, I miss that first pinch, and the ridiculous little amount of excitement that I got when I realized that this can was fresher and more moist than the last can. God, I could use a dip right now...
I don't think I'll do it though -
First, I told myself that I wouldn't. Second, I told all of you that I wouldn't. I haven't told my wife that I've stopped yet, but my plan was to wait until I got an entire week under my belt to tell her. Third, I don't need the dip. I want it, but I don't need it.
Short term...? Quitting sucks. I hate quitting and I miss dipping.
Long term...? It's the right thing to do I'd much rather The Quit suck a little bit, than suck a LOT because I'm going to die. I don't really want to quit, but I don't want to die even more.
For my own sake, I'm going to go through writing down my reasons for quitting again - You can read them, but right now they're for me - If I don't write these down again, I'm afraid I will go directly to the convenience store for the Grizzly, so here they are:
1. I don't want my wife to marry someone else because I died from this shit.
2. I don't want some other dude living in my house because I died from this shit.
3. I don't want anyone else taking care of my 7 year old little boy. I am the only person on earth who knows how to love him the best.
4. My twelve year old son needs me - I promised him that I would be around for a long, long time I don't want him asking some other guy some day why I lied to him.
5. My wife deserves better. I am ashamed of having lied to her all this time and I am going to be the man she deserves me to be.
6. I don't want to think about some other dude laughing and joking with his friends about dating my wife because he heard that her first husband was some kind of an idiot and killed himself with dip...
7. My wife and I made our family - Without the 2 of us, there would be no 4 of us.
8. I love my family and they love me.
9. Without me though, some other man would eventually come into their lives.
10. My family needs me and I need them - Nothing is more important to us than each other and the three of them deserve to be proud of me instead of ashamed and embarassed
11. My wife deserves the marriage that she always wanted - Tobacco is the ONE thing that has come between us and THAT is OVER.
I DON'T CARE IF I HAVE TO WRITE THIS OVER AND OVER EVERY DAY FOR THE NEXT YEAR. I am THROUGH with tobacco - I miss it, but I no longer care more about that than I do about the important things: Love, family, health, wisdom, and so on. Grizzly, Kodiak, whatever - There is NO way that they compare with the things that are important to me now.
The hold that tobacco had on me is slipping away and the habit is losing its grip.
It will undoubtedly catch someone else today and start the struggle anew, but the struggle here is DONE.
There is no way that tobacco can step to my Ninja willpower.
Bump. Notice the date, men. He's got some trust to earn back.
-
I've been thinking a LOT about you and your return, so let me clear the air before we go too far along, and when I say that this is JUST becoming clear to me, I mean in like the past 2 minutes.
I'm fucking pissed at you. I took your cave very, very hard.Â
I'm pissed like a wife who just found out her husband was cheating on her when he went out to his Friday night poker game, only to tell her he's sorry, but keeps going out to his Friday night poker game.
I find your humor fucking hysterical, but you know what? Too soon.Â
Yea, I said it, and I think there are others who are thinking it. Too fucking soon.
When I read your schtick now, I see no remorse. I see that older guy who never stopped going to high school parties on weekends. You know, the guy who never left his shitty town, maybe he was the football captain and hero, but now he's 28, and works at the Dollar Store, but LOVES the attention he gets when he crashes the weekend 'rager' and relives the glory days? Maybe he even buys the booze.Â
Now you say you've got your head and your ass wired right this time. It's just too soon for me to be convinced 'just cuz you say so'.Â
So excuse me for not jumping up and down and telling you how happy I am to have your shit back. Cuz while I'm VERY happy you're back, I'm going to be pissed for a long, long time.
And you get no slack from me.
And, I'll tell you something else - I've kept my fingers off the keyboard as much as I can, but today was too much.
I'm not in the least going to discourage you from posting your thoughts here, you are free too, just as I am free to comment on them; however, you will not start a new topic when the wind blows. I think you've been trying to guard your image, and hide what happened. There will be no your image before, during, or after your cave.Â
Yep, I've been merging them. Don't get all butt hurt over it. This is your intro page, and it's not better than mine.
You are not just a douche and tool, but you are quite possibly the whole fucking tool bag.
It's vets like you that keep me entertained by your sheer arrogance, stupidity and addiction to this site.
It's members like SWJ that keep me entertained by truly creative and hilarious posts.
Your rage and how you tie his humor and over the top bravado comedy schtik to his cave is almost childlike in a temper tantrum kind of way.
Very little on this site is worth commenting on, but your stupidity is definitely the exception.
Today I give thanks to SWJ for true comedy brilliance and to NOLAQ for true unintentional comedy ignorance!
Wait for it....be patient....
'libs2'
-
I've been thinking a LOT about you and your return, so let me clear the air before we go too far along, and when I say that this is JUST becoming clear to me, I mean in like the past 2 minutes.
I'm fucking pissed at you. I took your cave very, very hard.Â
I'm pissed like a wife who just found out her husband was cheating on her when he went out to his Friday night poker game, only to tell her he's sorry, but keeps going out to his Friday night poker game.
I find your humor fucking hysterical, but you know what? Too soon.Â
Yea, I said it, and I think there are others who are thinking it. Too fucking soon.
When I read your schtick now, I see no remorse. I see that older guy who never stopped going to high school parties on weekends. You know, the guy who never left his shitty town, maybe he was the football captain and hero, but now he's 28, and works at the Dollar Store, but LOVES the attention he gets when he crashes the weekend 'rager' and relives the glory days? Maybe he even buys the booze.Â
Now you say you've got your head and your ass wired right this time. It's just too soon for me to be convinced 'just cuz you say so'.Â
So excuse me for not jumping up and down and telling you how happy I am to have your shit back. Cuz while I'm VERY happy you're back, I'm going to be pissed for a long, long time.
And you get no slack from me.
And, I'll tell you something else - I've kept my fingers off the keyboard as much as I can, but today was too much.
I'm not in the least going to discourage you from posting your thoughts here, you are free too, just as I am free to comment on them; however, you will not start a new topic when the wind blows. I think you've been trying to guard your image, and hide what happened. There will be no your image before, during, or after your cave.Â
Yep, I've been merging them. Don't get all butt hurt over it. This is your intro page, and it's not better than mine.
You are not just a douche and tool, but you are quite possibly the whole fucking tool bag.
It's vets like you that keep me entertained by your sheer arrogance, stupidity and addiction to this site.
It's members like SWJ that keep me entertained by truly creative and hilarious posts.
Your rage and how you tie his humor and over the top bravado comedy schtik to his cave is almost childlike in a temper tantrum kind of way.
Very little on this site is worth commenting on, but your stupidity is definitely the exception.
Today I give thanks to SWJ for true comedy brilliance and to NOLAQ for true unintentional comedy ignorance!
Wait for it....be patient....
'libs2'
What are we waiting for?
-
I've been thinking a LOT about you and your return, so let me clear the air before we go too far along, and when I say that this is JUST becoming clear to me, I mean in like the past 2 minutes.
I'm fucking pissed at you. I took your cave very, very hard.Â
I'm pissed like a wife who just found out her husband was cheating on her when he went out to his Friday night poker game, only to tell her he's sorry, but keeps going out to his Friday night poker game.
I find your humor fucking hysterical, but you know what? Too soon.Â
Yea, I said it, and I think there are others who are thinking it. Too fucking soon.
When I read your schtick now, I see no remorse. I see that older guy who never stopped going to high school parties on weekends. You know, the guy who never left his shitty town, maybe he was the football captain and hero, but now he's 28, and works at the Dollar Store, but LOVES the attention he gets when he crashes the weekend 'rager' and relives the glory days? Maybe he even buys the booze.Â
Now you say you've got your head and your ass wired right this time. It's just too soon for me to be convinced 'just cuz you say so'.Â
So excuse me for not jumping up and down and telling you how happy I am to have your shit back. Cuz while I'm VERY happy you're back, I'm going to be pissed for a long, long time.
And you get no slack from me.
And, I'll tell you something else - I've kept my fingers off the keyboard as much as I can, but today was too much.
I'm not in the least going to discourage you from posting your thoughts here, you are free too, just as I am free to comment on them; however, you will not start a new topic when the wind blows. I think you've been trying to guard your image, and hide what happened. There will be no your image before, during, or after your cave.Â
Yep, I've been merging them. Don't get all butt hurt over it. This is your intro page, and it's not better than mine.
You are not just a douche and tool, but you are quite possibly the whole fucking tool bag.
It's vets like you that keep me entertained by your sheer arrogance, stupidity and addiction to this site.
It's members like SWJ that keep me entertained by truly creative and hilarious posts.
Your rage and how you tie his humor and over the top bravado comedy schtik to his cave is almost childlike in a temper tantrum kind of way.
Very little on this site is worth commenting on, but your stupidity is definitely the exception.
Today I give thanks to SWJ for true comedy brilliance and to NOLAQ for true unintentional comedy ignorance!
Wait for it....be patient....
'libs2'
Wow. Just Wow.
-
I've been thinking a LOT about you and your return, so let me clear the air before we go too far along, and when I say that this is JUST becoming clear to me, I mean in like the past 2 minutes.
I'm fucking pissed at you. I took your cave very, very hard.Â
I'm pissed like a wife who just found out her husband was cheating on her when he went out to his Friday night poker game, only to tell her he's sorry, but keeps going out to his Friday night poker game.
I find your humor fucking hysterical, but you know what? Too soon.Â
Yea, I said it, and I think there are others who are thinking it. Too fucking soon.
When I read your schtick now, I see no remorse. I see that older guy who never stopped going to high school parties on weekends. You know, the guy who never left his shitty town, maybe he was the football captain and hero, but now he's 28, and works at the Dollar Store, but LOVES the attention he gets when he crashes the weekend 'rager' and relives the glory days? Maybe he even buys the booze.Â
Now you say you've got your head and your ass wired right this time. It's just too soon for me to be convinced 'just cuz you say so'.Â
So excuse me for not jumping up and down and telling you how happy I am to have your shit back. Cuz while I'm VERY happy you're back, I'm going to be pissed for a long, long time.
And you get no slack from me.
And, I'll tell you something else - I've kept my fingers off the keyboard as much as I can, but today was too much.
I'm not in the least going to discourage you from posting your thoughts here, you are free too, just as I am free to comment on them; however, you will not start a new topic when the wind blows. I think you've been trying to guard your image, and hide what happened. There will be no your image before, during, or after your cave.Â
Yep, I've been merging them. Don't get all butt hurt over it. This is your intro page, and it's not better than mine.
You are not just a douche and tool, but you are quite possibly the whole fucking tool bag.
It's vets like you that keep me entertained by your sheer arrogance, stupidity and addiction to this site.
It's members like SWJ that keep me entertained by truly creative and hilarious posts.
Your rage and how you tie his humor and over the top bravado comedy schtik to his cave is almost childlike in a temper tantrum kind of way.
Very little on this site is worth commenting on, but your stupidity is definitely the exception.
Today I give thanks to SWJ for true comedy brilliance and to NOLAQ for true unintentional comedy ignorance!
Wait for it....be patient....
'libs2'
Wow. Just Wow.
I wouldn't call NOLAQ arrogant or ignorant for this comment. He's fucking dedicated. He knows this shit is no laughing matter. However, SWJ can be a funny fucker. He's not making light of his cave or his quit, he's just a funny fucker. Not too soon. SWJ, NOLAQ and CarolinaBS all speak their truth. Keep it really real bitches.
Fuck LoPan.
-
Fuck LoPan.
How dare you, sir...
-
This thread is the summation of this site.
The thread illustrates why using nic is not worth it. Craves are temporary; addiction is forever. Addiction sucks. Slavery sucks. The consequences suck.
I am glad I am quit. I am glad I have not disappointed my brothers. I am happy with my decision every day I post roll. I am thankful that so many people on this site get it and that they care enough to be pissed off; they they cared enough to get me out of the shackles of slavery.
-
This thread is the summation of this site.
The thread illustrates why using nic is not worth it. Craves are temporary; addiction is forever. Addiction sucks. Slavery sucks. The consequences suck.
I am glad I am quit. I am glad I have not disappointed my brothers. I am happy with my decision every day I post roll. I am thankful that so many people on this site get it and that they care enough to be pissed off; they they cared enough to get me out of the shackles of slavery.
x2 Sco. I was thinking the same thing after reading this thread. The accountability of this site is as real as the cancer that the can will cause.
I'm very thankful for that.
-
It's vets like you that keep me entertained by your sheer arrogance, stupidity and addiction to this site.
Really, I am not so sure I agree. Last I checked it was the arrogance and stupidity
of the vets that helps keep this place going and helps you quit one day at a time.
You did get the addition to this site part right. Most here are addicted to the site. I am addicted to this place.....kinda like I am addicted to life. Kudos to NOLAQ and any others that are addicted to KTC and choose life.
Good day to you and stay quit!
-
I've been thinking a LOT about you and your return, so let me clear the air before we go too far along, and when I say that this is JUST becoming clear to me, I mean in like the past 2 minutes.
I'm fucking pissed at you. I took your cave very, very hard.Â
I'm pissed like a wife who just found out her husband was cheating on her when he went out to his Friday night poker game, only to tell her he's sorry, but keeps going out to his Friday night poker game.
I find your humor fucking hysterical, but you know what? Too soon.Â
Yea, I said it, and I think there are others who are thinking it. Too fucking soon.
When I read your schtick now, I see no remorse. I see that older guy who never stopped going to high school parties on weekends. You know, the guy who never left his shitty town, maybe he was the football captain and hero, but now he's 28, and works at the Dollar Store, but LOVES the attention he gets when he crashes the weekend 'rager' and relives the glory days? Maybe he even buys the booze.Â
Now you say you've got your head and your ass wired right this time. It's just too soon for me to be convinced 'just cuz you say so'.Â
So excuse me for not jumping up and down and telling you how happy I am to have your shit back. Cuz while I'm VERY happy you're back, I'm going to be pissed for a long, long time.
And you get no slack from me.
And, I'll tell you something else - I've kept my fingers off the keyboard as much as I can, but today was too much.
I'm not in the least going to discourage you from posting your thoughts here, you are free too, just as I am free to comment on them; however, you will not start a new topic when the wind blows. I think you've been trying to guard your image, and hide what happened. There will be no your image before, during, or after your cave.Â
Yep, I've been merging them. Don't get all butt hurt over it. This is your intro page, and it's not better than mine.
You are not just a douche and tool, but you are quite possibly the whole fucking tool bag.
It's vets like you that keep me entertained by your sheer arrogance, stupidity and addiction to this site.
It's members like SWJ that keep me entertained by truly creative and hilarious posts.
Your rage and how you tie his humor and over the top bravado comedy schtik to his cave is almost childlike in a temper tantrum kind of way.
Very little on this site is worth commenting on, but your stupidity is definitely the exception.
Today I give thanks to SWJ for true comedy brilliance and to NOLAQ for true unintentional comedy ignorance!
Wait for it....be patient....
'libs2'
Wow. Just Wow.
I wouldn't call NOLAQ arrogant or ignorant for this comment. He's fucking dedicated. He knows this shit is no laughing matter. However, SWJ can be a funny fucker. He's not making light of his cave or his quit, he's just a funny fucker. Not too soon. SWJ, NOLAQ and CarolinaBS all speak their truth. Keep it really real bitches.
Fuck LoPan.
I was gonna write a smart-ass response about sensing a little jealousy NOLAQ has for SWJ's fro but I'm thinking better of it now.
There is a wide range of opinions being thrown out here and I think that's possibly part of the strength of this site. It is a fraternity of sorts. We are fraternity brothers of sorts. And it holds different levels of importance to different people.
NOLAQ really cares about this struggle and the people involved. I understand the disappointment, and being pissed off. I felt the same way. What I try to avoid is bitterness. Bitterness is a very ugly emotion and it prevents people from moving along in their relationships.
Bitterness has no place in this healthy fraternity. NONE.
Disagreement? Yes. Anger? Yes. Distrust? Yes.
Bitterness? No.
Humor? Yes!
SWJ, fuck you...and, welcome back, brother. We're all glad you're back.
-
I've been thinking a LOT about you and your return, so let me clear the air before we go too far along, and when I say that this is JUST becoming clear to me, I mean in like the past 2 minutes.
I'm fucking pissed at you. I took your cave very, very hard.Â
I'm pissed like a wife who just found out her husband was cheating on her when he went out to his Friday night poker game, only to tell her he's sorry, but keeps going out to his Friday night poker game.
I find your humor fucking hysterical, but you know what? Too soon.Â
Yea, I said it, and I think there are others who are thinking it. Too fucking soon.
When I read your schtick now, I see no remorse. I see that older guy who never stopped going to high school parties on weekends. You know, the guy who never left his shitty town, maybe he was the football captain and hero, but now he's 28, and works at the Dollar Store, but LOVES the attention he gets when he crashes the weekend 'rager' and relives the glory days? Maybe he even buys the booze.Â
Now you say you've got your head and your ass wired right this time. It's just too soon for me to be convinced 'just cuz you say so'.Â
So excuse me for not jumping up and down and telling you how happy I am to have your shit back. Cuz while I'm VERY happy you're back, I'm going to be pissed for a long, long time.
And you get no slack from me.
And, I'll tell you something else - I've kept my fingers off the keyboard as much as I can, but today was too much.
I'm not in the least going to discourage you from posting your thoughts here, you are free too, just as I am free to comment on them; however, you will not start a new topic when the wind blows. I think you've been trying to guard your image, and hide what happened. There will be no your image before, during, or after your cave.Â
Yep, I've been merging them. Don't get all butt hurt over it. This is your intro page, and it's not better than mine.
You are not just a douche and tool, but you are quite possibly the whole fucking tool bag.
It's vets like you that keep me entertained by your sheer arrogance, stupidity and addiction to this site.
It's members like SWJ that keep me entertained by truly creative and hilarious posts.
Your rage and how you tie his humor and over the top bravado comedy schtik to his cave is almost childlike in a temper tantrum kind of way.
Very little on this site is worth commenting on, but your stupidity is definitely the exception.
Today I give thanks to SWJ for true comedy brilliance and to NOLAQ for true unintentional comedy ignorance!
Wait for it....be patient....
'libs2'
Wow. Just Wow.
I wouldn't call NOLAQ arrogant or ignorant for this comment. He's fucking dedicated. He knows this shit is no laughing matter. However, SWJ can be a funny fucker. He's not making light of his cave or his quit, he's just a funny fucker. Not too soon. SWJ, NOLAQ and CarolinaBS all speak their truth. Keep it really real bitches.
Fuck LoPan.
Smokey, you know I generally agree with you more than not... we have years of that.
But, I honestly think Carolina was out of line... I know you didn't support his post, but he is messed up in his thinking about Vets.
Stupid, Arrogant and addicted to the site? Serious?
Nope, nope, and nope.
SWJ fucked the monkey... he knows it... sure, NOLAQ represents the hammer in this case. Intro Section is for intros... SWJ just needs to keep his "Blogging" in a single thread. NOLAQ is just doing what needs to be done.
I too was hurt and disappointed by SWJ's cave... but I look forward to his way ahead, and someday he will earn back the trust and respect that he lost.
No Newb, Vet or Wannabe will change that for SWJ or his previous supporters.
Just a fact of life.
So, I am still firmly quit with my old mentor Smokey, my old friend SWJ and my comrade NOLAQ.
Colonel
-
I've been thinking a LOT about you and your return, so let me clear the air before we go too far along, and when I say that this is JUST becoming clear to me, I mean in like the past 2 minutes.
I'm fucking pissed at you. I took your cave very, very hard.Â
I'm pissed like a wife who just found out her husband was cheating on her when he went out to his Friday night poker game, only to tell her he's sorry, but keeps going out to his Friday night poker game.
I find your humor fucking hysterical, but you know what? Too soon.Â
Yea, I said it, and I think there are others who are thinking it. Too fucking soon.
When I read your schtick now, I see no remorse. I see that older guy who never stopped going to high school parties on weekends. You know, the guy who never left his shitty town, maybe he was the football captain and hero, but now he's 28, and works at the Dollar Store, but LOVES the attention he gets when he crashes the weekend 'rager' and relives the glory days? Maybe he even buys the booze.Â
Now you say you've got your head and your ass wired right this time. It's just too soon for me to be convinced 'just cuz you say so'.Â
So excuse me for not jumping up and down and telling you how happy I am to have your shit back. Cuz while I'm VERY happy you're back, I'm going to be pissed for a long, long time.
And you get no slack from me.
And, I'll tell you something else - I've kept my fingers off the keyboard as much as I can, but today was too much.
I'm not in the least going to discourage you from posting your thoughts here, you are free too, just as I am free to comment on them; however, you will not start a new topic when the wind blows. I think you've been trying to guard your image, and hide what happened. There will be no your image before, during, or after your cave.Â
Yep, I've been merging them. Don't get all butt hurt over it. This is your intro page, and it's not better than mine.
You are not just a douche and tool, but you are quite possibly the whole fucking tool bag.
It's vets like you that keep me entertained by your sheer arrogance, stupidity and addiction to this site.
It's members like SWJ that keep me entertained by truly creative and hilarious posts.
Your rage and how you tie his humor and over the top bravado comedy schtik to his cave is almost childlike in a temper tantrum kind of way.
Very little on this site is worth commenting on, but your stupidity is definitely the exception.
Today I give thanks to SWJ for true comedy brilliance and to NOLAQ for true unintentional comedy ignorance!
Wait for it....be patient....
'libs2'
Wow. Just Wow.
I wouldn't call NOLAQ arrogant or ignorant for this comment. He's fucking dedicated. He knows this shit is no laughing matter. However, SWJ can be a funny fucker. He's not making light of his cave or his quit, he's just a funny fucker. Not too soon. SWJ, NOLAQ and CarolinaBS all speak their truth. Keep it really real bitches.
Fuck LoPan.
Smokey, you know I generally agree with you more than not... we have years of that.
But, I honestly think Carolina was out of line... I know you didn't support his post, but he is messed up in his thinking about Vets.
Stupid, Arrogant and addicted to the site? Serious?
Nope, nope, and nope.
SWJ fucked the monkey... he knows it... sure, NOLAQ represents the hammer in this case. Intro Section is for intros... SWJ just needs to keep his "Blogging" in a single thread. NOLAQ is just doing what needs to be done.
I too was hurt and disappointed by SWJ's cave... but I look forward to his way ahead, and someday he will earn back the trust and respect that he lost.
No Newb, Vet or Wannabe will change that for SWJ or his previous supporters.
Just a fact of life.
So, I am still firmly quit with my old mentor Smokey, my old friend SWJ and my comrade NOLAQ.
Colonel
Colonel, I haven't been active lately, so I may have missed this, but when was the rule that intro sections are limited to just intros decided? One day at a time implies a fresh outlook daily. Yeah, SWJ fucked the butter, but don't allow your emotions lead to judging how people utilize this site. Don't read his "blogging" if you don't like it. It does a helluva lot of good for many. Don't let your ego interfere with the quits of others.
-
I've been thinking a LOT about you and your return, so let me clear the air before we go too far along, and when I say that this is JUST becoming clear to me, I mean in like the past 2 minutes.
I'm fucking pissed at you. I took your cave very, very hard.Â
I'm pissed like a wife who just found out her husband was cheating on her when he went out to his Friday night poker game, only to tell her he's sorry, but keeps going out to his Friday night poker game.
I find your humor fucking hysterical, but you know what? Too soon.Â
Yea, I said it, and I think there are others who are thinking it. Too fucking soon.
When I read your schtick now, I see no remorse. I see that older guy who never stopped going to high school parties on weekends. You know, the guy who never left his shitty town, maybe he was the football captain and hero, but now he's 28, and works at the Dollar Store, but LOVES the attention he gets when he crashes the weekend 'rager' and relives the glory days? Maybe he even buys the booze.Â
Now you say you've got your head and your ass wired right this time. It's just too soon for me to be convinced 'just cuz you say so'.Â
So excuse me for not jumping up and down and telling you how happy I am to have your shit back. Cuz while I'm VERY happy you're back, I'm going to be pissed for a long, long time.
And you get no slack from me.
And, I'll tell you something else - I've kept my fingers off the keyboard as much as I can, but today was too much.
I'm not in the least going to discourage you from posting your thoughts here, you are free too, just as I am free to comment on them; however, you will not start a new topic when the wind blows. I think you've been trying to guard your image, and hide what happened. There will be no your image before, during, or after your cave.Â
Yep, I've been merging them. Don't get all butt hurt over it. This is your intro page, and it's not better than mine.
You are not just a douche and tool, but you are quite possibly the whole fucking tool bag.
It's vets like you that keep me entertained by your sheer arrogance, stupidity and addiction to this site.
It's members like SWJ that keep me entertained by truly creative and hilarious posts.
Your rage and how you tie his humor and over the top bravado comedy schtik to his cave is almost childlike in a temper tantrum kind of way.
Very little on this site is worth commenting on, but your stupidity is definitely the exception.
Today I give thanks to SWJ for true comedy brilliance and to NOLAQ for true unintentional comedy ignorance!
Wait for it....be patient....
'libs2'
Wow. Just Wow.
I wouldn't call NOLAQ arrogant or ignorant for this comment. He's fucking dedicated. He knows this shit is no laughing matter. However, SWJ can be a funny fucker. He's not making light of his cave or his quit, he's just a funny fucker. Not too soon. SWJ, NOLAQ and CarolinaBS all speak their truth. Keep it really real bitches.
Fuck LoPan.
Smokey, you know I generally agree with you more than not... we have years of that.
But, I honestly think Carolina was out of line... I know you didn't support his post, but he is messed up in his thinking about Vets.
Stupid, Arrogant and addicted to the site? Serious?
Nope, nope, and nope.
SWJ fucked the monkey... he knows it... sure, NOLAQ represents the hammer in this case. Intro Section is for intros... SWJ just needs to keep his "Blogging" in a single thread. NOLAQ is just doing what needs to be done.
I too was hurt and disappointed by SWJ's cave... but I look forward to his way ahead, and someday he will earn back the trust and respect that he lost.
No Newb, Vet or Wannabe will change that for SWJ or his previous supporters.
Just a fact of life.
So, I am still firmly quit with my old mentor Smokey, my old friend SWJ and my comrade NOLAQ.
Colonel
Colonel, I haven't been active lately, so I may have missed this, but when was the rule that intro sections are limited to just intros decided? One day at a time implies a fresh outlook daily. Yeah, SWJ fucked the butter, but don't allow your emotions lead to judging how people utilize this site. Don't read his "blogging" if you don't like it. It does a helluva lot of good for many. Don't let your ego interfere with the quits of others.
Colonel is right, SWJ can blog his thoughts all he wants, just keep it in the same topic and don't start a new one every time. It's pretty easy to follow, he can ask if he has question.
Colonel was not showing ego, but I see you puffing your chest out so how about you stop. Cool. Thanks.
-
See what you've done SWJ?
Damn boy.
-
It's vets like you that keep me entertained by your sheer arrogance, stupidity and addiction to this site.
Really, I am not so sure I agree. Last I checked it was the arrogance and stupidity
of the vets that helps keep this place going and helps you quit one day at a time.
You did get the addition to this site part right. Most here are addicted to the site. I am addicted to this place.....kinda like I am addicted to life. Kudos to NOLAQ and any others that are addicted to KTC and choose life.
Good day to you and stay quit!
I am sure I agree with Batman....which means I don't agree with Carolina...and I do agree with NOLAQ.
Did that make sense ?
The beauty of this place is that we can all express our own opinions....and we sure as shit do....and we're free to take those that help us and to pass on those that do not.
Each of these "discussions" generally diverges into a couple side shows and often a good pissing match or two.
But something interesting is that.....many times.....when it get's initiated by a Vet....you can follow the string and you'll see that the Vet has made his point...then stepped aside. In most cases.....certainly not all.....the Vet has accomplished more than the initial point by starting a discussion.....argument......dialogue...whatever you want to call it.
In this thread I see NOLAQ get absolutely slammed.....but in true form...he is choosing not to engage in a secondary argument really not related to the first. I am betting that our friend CarolinaBS is having a bit of rage...maybe a funk etc and NOLAQ has decided that firing back at that reply will take away from the point of his initial post...which when read between the lines is very simply...."accountability".
In my mind NOLAQ's post and lack of follow up reply shows the real value of the vet's on this site. He initiated discussion....got people thinking about it...and did not allow someone to take him off topic.
You have the right to call the Vets arrogant and stupid. And we have the right...like NOLAQ did......to ignore it and continue adding the value and experience that makes this place work. CarolinaBS...take what works for you...and leave the rest.
-
It's vets like you that keep me entertained by your sheer arrogance, stupidity and addiction to this site.
Really, I am not so sure I agree. Last I checked it was the arrogance and stupidity
of the vets that helps keep this place going and helps you quit one day at a time.
You did get the addition to this site part right. Most here are addicted to the site. I am addicted to this place.....kinda like I am addicted to life. Kudos to NOLAQ and any others that are addicted to KTC and choose life.
Good day to you and stay quit!
I am sure I agree with Batman....which means I don't agree with Carolina...and I do agree with NOLAQ.
Did that make sense ?
The beauty of this place is that we can all express our own opinions....and we sure as shit do....and we're free to take those that help us and to pass on those that do not.
Each of these "discussions" generally diverges into a couple side shows and often a good pissing match or two.
But something interesting is that.....many times.....when it get's initiated by a Vet....you can follow the string and you'll see that the Vet has made his point...then stepped aside. In most cases.....certainly not all.....the Vet has accomplished more than the initial point by starting a discussion.....argument......dialogue...whatever you want to call it.
In this thread I see NOLAQ get absolutely slammed.....but in true form...he is choosing not to engage in a secondary argument really not related to the first. I am betting that our friend CarolinaBS is having a bit of rage...maybe a funk etc and NOLAQ has decided that firing back at that reply will take away from the point of his initial post...which when read between the lines is very simply...."accountability".
In my mind NOLAQ's post and lack of follow up reply shows the real value of the vet's on this site. He initiated discussion....got people thinking about it...and did not allow someone to take him off topic.
You have the right to call the Vets arrogant and stupid. And we have the right...like NOLAQ did......to ignore it and continue adding the value and experience that makes this place work. CarolinaBS...take what works for you...and leave the rest.
Well said Hydro.
'clap'
-
Quitting ain't no joke. Quitting is serious business. I love SWJ's stuff because it is funny, creative and it saved my quit one time. That story about testing out weed killer on your neighbors flowerbed and the shit couch story totally cracked me up.
All of that being said, I can relate to where NOLAQ is coming from. NOLAQ was invested in SWJ's quit and probably didn't realize it until SWJ posted that second day 1. You feel betrayed when someone let's you down and it takes time to get over it.
Quitting is no laughing matter. I struggle every day even at day 3 hunnard and eighty-something...I still think about Cope and how I want a dip. She's still whispering 'just one'. This is why I stick around. This is probably why a lot of folks stick around.
I have this hanging up in my office and I want to share it with you SWJ because it is important to always remember this:
You may fool the world down the pathway of years
And get pats on the back as you pass
But your final reward will be heartache and tears
if you've cheated the man in the glass
This is an excerpt from 'Man in the Glass' which reinforces the old edict that you should always be true to yourself.
Stay quit SWJ and we ALL want to see you be successful.
-
SWJ
I have three things to tell you:
#1 Thanks for your humor and your intro thread--it helped me through my worst days
#2 FU for caving!!
#3 Welcome Back---I am here to support you(no gay)--- let me know if you need anything!
LL (you are welcome to come and post with the August 2011 Quitheads--we rock)
-
I've been thinking a LOT about you and your return, so let me clear the air before we go too far along, and when I say that this is JUST becoming clear to me, I mean in like the past 2 minutes.
I'm fucking pissed at you. I took your cave very, very hard.Â
I'm pissed like a wife who just found out her husband was cheating on her when he went out to his Friday night poker game, only to tell her he's sorry, but keeps going out to his Friday night poker game.
I find your humor fucking hysterical, but you know what? Too soon.Â
Yea, I said it, and I think there are others who are thinking it. Too fucking soon.
When I read your schtick now, I see no remorse. I see that older guy who never stopped going to high school parties on weekends. You know, the guy who never left his shitty town, maybe he was the football captain and hero, but now he's 28, and works at the Dollar Store, but LOVES the attention he gets when he crashes the weekend 'rager' and relives the glory days? Maybe he even buys the booze.Â
Now you say you've got your head and your ass wired right this time. It's just too soon for me to be convinced 'just cuz you say so'.Â
So excuse me for not jumping up and down and telling you how happy I am to have your shit back. Cuz while I'm VERY happy you're back, I'm going to be pissed for a long, long time.
And you get no slack from me.
And, I'll tell you something else - I've kept my fingers off the keyboard as much as I can, but today was too much.
I'm not in the least going to discourage you from posting your thoughts here, you are free too, just as I am free to comment on them; however, you will not start a new topic when the wind blows. I think you've been trying to guard your image, and hide what happened. There will be no your image before, during, or after your cave.Â
Yep, I've been merging them. Don't get all butt hurt over it. This is your intro page, and it's not better than mine.
You are not just a douche and tool, but you are quite possibly the whole fucking tool bag.
It's vets like you that keep me entertained by your sheer arrogance, stupidity and addiction to this site.
It's members like SWJ that keep me entertained by truly creative and hilarious posts.
Your rage and how you tie his humor and over the top bravado comedy schtik to his cave is almost childlike in a temper tantrum kind of way.
Very little on this site is worth commenting on, but your stupidity is definitely the exception.
Today I give thanks to SWJ for true comedy brilliance and to NOLAQ for true unintentional comedy ignorance!
Wait for it....be patient....
'libs2'
Wow. Just Wow.
I wouldn't call NOLAQ arrogant or ignorant for this comment. He's fucking dedicated. He knows this shit is no laughing matter. However, SWJ can be a funny fucker. He's not making light of his cave or his quit, he's just a funny fucker. Not too soon. SWJ, NOLAQ and CarolinaBS all speak their truth. Keep it really real bitches.
Fuck LoPan.
Smokey, you know I generally agree with you more than not... we have years of that.
But, I honestly think Carolina was out of line... I know you didn't support his post, but he is messed up in his thinking about Vets.
Stupid, Arrogant and addicted to the site? Serious?
Nope, nope, and nope.
SWJ fucked the monkey... he knows it... sure, NOLAQ represents the hammer in this case. Intro Section is for intros... SWJ just needs to keep his "Blogging" in a single thread. NOLAQ is just doing what needs to be done.
I too was hurt and disappointed by SWJ's cave... but I look forward to his way ahead, and someday he will earn back the trust and respect that he lost.
No Newb, Vet or Wannabe will change that for SWJ or his previous supporters.
Just a fact of life.
So, I am still firmly quit with my old mentor Smokey, my old friend SWJ and my comrade NOLAQ.
Colonel
Colonel, I haven't been active lately, so I may have missed this, but when was the rule that intro sections are limited to just intros decided? One day at a time implies a fresh outlook daily. Yeah, SWJ fucked the butter, but don't allow your emotions lead to judging how people utilize this site. Don't read his "blogging" if you don't like it. It does a helluva lot of good for many. Don't let your ego interfere with the quits of others.
Colonel is right, SWJ can blog his thoughts all he wants, just keep it in the same topic and don't start a new one every time. It's pretty easy to follow, he can ask if he has question.
Colonel was not showing ego, but I see you puffing your chest out so how about you stop. Cool. Thanks.
I believe that SWJ knows what led him to "success" last time he stopped:
He liked the attention from posting these funny quips, and that drove his quit because people honestly enjoy them. He was stronger by having our support.
However,
SWJ should really be posting more with his group. I have seen hardly any posts in June itself from SWJ. Most of his posts go here. I think that his group would greatly appreciate and learn from his failures and his successes. I see Copenope struggling over there trying to take a leadership roll and a group of June quitters that are kicking ass, and I see the site divided on how appropriate jokes are upon returning. SWJ needs to be part of that group, not an individual skirting the day by day quit out here in Intro land.
This is where NOLAQ and I agree.
These quips may help SWJ right now like they did in the past, but where did they get him in the first place? Right back here. Nobody but SWJ knows why he stopped posting these and got away from the site, but if these are contingent to his quit ONLY, we have a problem.
I have no problem with SWJ writing these. However, I have yet to see him take the badass RETREAD roll.
-
Things That Are More Difficult Than Quitting
1. Pulling your ball sac up over your head.
2. Watch an entire episode of I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant without punching yourself in the face.
3. Shit your pants. Deliberately. Right now.
4. Spank it to this chick. (http://www.bypassfanpages.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/moche.jpg)
5. Chug 2 liters of Mountain Dew Code Red without taking a breath.
6. Drink any amount of Mountain Dew Code Red without gagging.
7. Wipe your ass with your opposite hand. And do a good job.
8. Try to watch Kelly Ripa on TV without wondering what it would be like....
9. Work the word "orgasmic" into a conversation about your most recent colonoscopy.
10. Put a Pepperidge Farm Beef Log in your mouth without feeling a little weird about it.
When and if I'm struggling with my Quit, I'll remember that these are my other options.
Gold...Pure Comedic Gold!
I feel ya NOLAQ, I was hurt a little too so dont feel like the Lone Ranger there brother...But he's no different than any other caver. He took all the heat you bitches could dish out and hes still here. Hes making roll call and working on his quit. Dont forget that we are all 1 bad decision away from posting "Day 1." Im not saying give him a pass, Im just saying give a brother a chance to redeem his reputation. How bout giving him a hand up instead of a kick in the chin...
.02
MOA
-
I've been thinking a LOT about you and your return, so let me clear the air before we go too far along, and when I say that this is JUST becoming clear to me, I mean in like the past 2 minutes.
I'm fucking pissed at you. I took your cave very, very hard.Â
I'm pissed like a wife who just found out her husband was cheating on her when he went out to his Friday night poker game, only to tell her he's sorry, but keeps going out to his Friday night poker game.
I find your humor fucking hysterical, but you know what? Too soon.Â
Yea, I said it, and I think there are others who are thinking it. Too fucking soon.
When I read your schtick now, I see no remorse. I see that older guy who never stopped going to high school parties on weekends. You know, the guy who never left his shitty town, maybe he was the football captain and hero, but now he's 28, and works at the Dollar Store, but LOVES the attention he gets when he crashes the weekend 'rager' and relives the glory days? Maybe he even buys the booze.Â
Now you say you've got your head and your ass wired right this time. It's just too soon for me to be convinced 'just cuz you say so'.Â
So excuse me for not jumping up and down and telling you how happy I am to have your shit back. Cuz while I'm VERY happy you're back, I'm going to be pissed for a long, long time.
And you get no slack from me.
And, I'll tell you something else - I've kept my fingers off the keyboard as much as I can, but today was too much.
I'm not in the least going to discourage you from posting your thoughts here, you are free too, just as I am free to comment on them; however, you will not start a new topic when the wind blows. I think you've been trying to guard your image, and hide what happened. There will be no your image before, during, or after your cave.Â
Yep, I've been merging them. Don't get all butt hurt over it. This is your intro page, and it's not better than mine.
You are not just a douche and tool, but you are quite possibly the whole fucking tool bag.
It's vets like you that keep me entertained by your sheer arrogance, stupidity and addiction to this site.
It's members like SWJ that keep me entertained by truly creative and hilarious posts.
Your rage and how you tie his humor and over the top bravado comedy schtik to his cave is almost childlike in a temper tantrum kind of way.
Very little on this site is worth commenting on, but your stupidity is definitely the exception.
Today I give thanks to SWJ for true comedy brilliance and to NOLAQ for true unintentional comedy ignorance!
Wait for it....be patient....
'libs2'
Wow. Just Wow.
I wouldn't call NOLAQ arrogant or ignorant for this comment. He's fucking dedicated. He knows this shit is no laughing matter. However, SWJ can be a funny fucker. He's not making light of his cave or his quit, he's just a funny fucker. Not too soon. SWJ, NOLAQ and CarolinaBS all speak their truth. Keep it really real bitches.
Fuck LoPan.
Smokey, you know I generally agree with you more than not... we have years of that.
But, I honestly think Carolina was out of line... I know you didn't support his post, but he is messed up in his thinking about Vets.
Stupid, Arrogant and addicted to the site? Serious?
Nope, nope, and nope.
SWJ fucked the monkey... he knows it... sure, NOLAQ represents the hammer in this case. Intro Section is for intros... SWJ just needs to keep his "Blogging" in a single thread. NOLAQ is just doing what needs to be done.
I too was hurt and disappointed by SWJ's cave... but I look forward to his way ahead, and someday he will earn back the trust and respect that he lost.
No Newb, Vet or Wannabe will change that for SWJ or his previous supporters.
Just a fact of life.
So, I am still firmly quit with my old mentor Smokey, my old friend SWJ and my comrade NOLAQ.
Colonel
Colonel, I haven't been active lately, so I may have missed this, but when was the rule that intro sections are limited to just intros decided? One day at a time implies a fresh outlook daily. Yeah, SWJ fucked the butter, but don't allow your emotions lead to judging how people utilize this site. Don't read his "blogging" if you don't like it. It does a helluva lot of good for many. Don't let your ego interfere with the quits of others.
Colonel is right, SWJ can blog his thoughts all he wants, just keep it in the same topic and don't start a new one every time. It's pretty easy to follow, he can ask if he has question.
Colonel was not showing ego, but I see you puffing your chest out so how about you stop. Cool. Thanks.
What the fuck are you talking about? Who is making all these rules? You mods and admins are walking the literope. Stay the fuck quit and let other people work their plans. I can't stand you uppity fucks.
-
I dont see why you all insist on polluting HIS intro section with your petty arguments with each other... this is HIS intro section, now if you want to comment on something HE wrote then by all means... but keep all the other drama out of HIS intro section
time and a place fellas
-
I've been thinking a LOT about you and your return, so let me clear the air before we go too far along, and when I say that this is JUST becoming clear to me, I mean in like the past 2 minutes.
I'm fucking pissed at you. I took your cave very, very hard.Â
I'm pissed like a wife who just found out her husband was cheating on her when he went out to his Friday night poker game, only to tell her he's sorry, but keeps going out to his Friday night poker game.
I find your humor fucking hysterical, but you know what? Too soon.Â
Yea, I said it, and I think there are others who are thinking it. Too fucking soon.
When I read your schtick now, I see no remorse. I see that older guy who never stopped going to high school parties on weekends. You know, the guy who never left his shitty town, maybe he was the football captain and hero, but now he's 28, and works at the Dollar Store, but LOVES the attention he gets when he crashes the weekend 'rager' and relives the glory days? Maybe he even buys the booze.Â
Now you say you've got your head and your ass wired right this time. It's just too soon for me to be convinced 'just cuz you say so'.Â
So excuse me for not jumping up and down and telling you how happy I am to have your shit back. Cuz while I'm VERY happy you're back, I'm going to be pissed for a long, long time.
And you get no slack from me.
And, I'll tell you something else - I've kept my fingers off the keyboard as much as I can, but today was too much.
I'm not in the least going to discourage you from posting your thoughts here, you are free too, just as I am free to comment on them; however, you will not start a new topic when the wind blows. I think you've been trying to guard your image, and hide what happened. There will be no your image before, during, or after your cave.Â
Yep, I've been merging them. Don't get all butt hurt over it. This is your intro page, and it's not better than mine.
You are not just a douche and tool, but you are quite possibly the whole fucking tool bag.
It's vets like you that keep me entertained by your sheer arrogance, stupidity and addiction to this site.
It's members like SWJ that keep me entertained by truly creative and hilarious posts.
Your rage and how you tie his humor and over the top bravado comedy schtik to his cave is almost childlike in a temper tantrum kind of way.
Very little on this site is worth commenting on, but your stupidity is definitely the exception.
Today I give thanks to SWJ for true comedy brilliance and to NOLAQ for true unintentional comedy ignorance!
Wait for it....be patient....
'libs2'
Wow. Just Wow.
I wouldn't call NOLAQ arrogant or ignorant for this comment. He's fucking dedicated. He knows this shit is no laughing matter. However, SWJ can be a funny fucker. He's not making light of his cave or his quit, he's just a funny fucker. Not too soon. SWJ, NOLAQ and CarolinaBS all speak their truth. Keep it really real bitches.
Fuck LoPan.
Smokey, you know I generally agree with you more than not... we have years of that.
But, I honestly think Carolina was out of line... I know you didn't support his post, but he is messed up in his thinking about Vets.
Stupid, Arrogant and addicted to the site? Serious?
Nope, nope, and nope.
SWJ fucked the monkey... he knows it... sure, NOLAQ represents the hammer in this case. Intro Section is for intros... SWJ just needs to keep his "Blogging" in a single thread. NOLAQ is just doing what needs to be done.
I too was hurt and disappointed by SWJ's cave... but I look forward to his way ahead, and someday he will earn back the trust and respect that he lost.
No Newb, Vet or Wannabe will change that for SWJ or his previous supporters.
Just a fact of life.
So, I am still firmly quit with my old mentor Smokey, my old friend SWJ and my comrade NOLAQ.
Colonel
Colonel, I haven't been active lately, so I may have missed this, but when was the rule that intro sections are limited to just intros decided? One day at a time implies a fresh outlook daily. Yeah, SWJ fucked the butter, but don't allow your emotions lead to judging how people utilize this site. Don't read his "blogging" if you don't like it. It does a helluva lot of good for many. Don't let your ego interfere with the quits of others.
Colonel is right, SWJ can blog his thoughts all he wants, just keep it in the same topic and don't start a new one every time. It's pretty easy to follow, he can ask if he has question.
Colonel was not showing ego, but I see you puffing your chest out so how about you stop. Cool. Thanks.
What the fuck are you talking about? Who is making all these rules? You mods and admins are walking the literope. Stay the fuck quit and let other people work their plans. I can't stand you uppity fucks.
How many fucking intros does one need? this is the intro section. It really is.....read it. I believer chewie has told people several times about a place for blogging. U find everything else here, surprised u didn't find that.
If you can't stand it so much, take your ball and go home. Fucking weak ass shit bro. You always looking for something to bitch about.
-
See what you've done SWJ?
Damn boy.
Damn.
You woke Smokey up.
LOOT hopes this weekend is terrible.
We all continue to pay for your transgressions.
Go back to sleep Smokes
-
See what you've done SWJ?
Damn boy.
Damn.
You woke Smokey up.
LOOT hopes this weekend is terrible.
We all continue to pay for your transgressions.
Go back to sleep Smokes
the douche has awoken the uber douche.
-
See what you've done SWJ?
Damn boy.
Damn.
You woke Smokey up.
LOOT hopes this weekend is terrible.
We all continue to pay for your transgressions.
Go back to sleep Smokes
the douche has awoken the uber douche.
Nice cheap shots.
-
Geez.
What's with all the personal attack bullshit...?
What it is, is not very nice, I can tell you that.
However, I will continue to take the high road in the face of those who would seek to persecute and belittle.
God Bless You (http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-f0hZGASBuCk/TtcYUKqtnsI/AAAAAAAANPc/_NsLfDSvql4/s1600/1christ-middle-finger.jpg), each and every one.
-
Geez.
What's with all the personal attack bullshit...?
What it is, is not very nice, I can tell you that.
However, I will continue to take the high road in the face of those who would seek to persecute and belittle.
God Bless You (http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-f0hZGASBuCk/TtcYUKqtnsI/AAAAAAAANPc/_NsLfDSvql4/s1600/1christ-middle-finger.jpg), each and every one.
You're good SWJ... stay on target.
-
Geez.
What's with all the personal attack bullshit...?
What it is, is not very nice, I can tell you that.
However, I will continue to take the high road in the face of those who would seek to persecute and belittle.
God Bless You (http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-f0hZGASBuCk/TtcYUKqtnsI/AAAAAAAANPc/_NsLfDSvql4/s1600/1christ-middle-finger.jpg), each and every one.
You're good SWJ... stay on target.
All good SWJ!!!
I am happy to be quit with you way to get thru the weekend there were alot of guys from May who caved.....
Stay strong in your quit text or PM me if you need any help
-
Four Ways To Make A Wedding More Awesome
So I'm leaving tomorrow to travel to Maryland.
I have to go to my hillbilly sister-in-law's wedding.
This blows for a multitude of reasons, not the least of which is this:
My sister-in-law is a vicious, life-sucking shrew and my dream is to drop her with a Lo-Pan-punch to the babymaker.
Anyway, I also hate weddings because I think they're boring and completely predictable.
If I was a wedding planner, my weddings would be decidedly different and consistently kick-ass.
Here is a brief list of things that would make any wedding more awesome:
1. Nipple-holes.
That's right. Get wedding gowns and bridesmaid dresses with nipple-holes in them.
Just think.
Instead of everyone sighing and grinning like idiots, everyone would be high-fiving and throwing dollar bills and shit.
While we're at it, we could just cut the ass out of everyone's dress too.
Wedding chaps....New invention.
Awesome.
2. Monkeys.
I don't care what kind of gathering it is, somebody letting a dozen monkeys loose in a place really adds some fucking pep.
You want to wait until the end of the ceremony, because monkeys won't sit still for a lot of boring talking.
Monkeys show up to party though and they most certainly do not fuck around.
3. Pizza.
Your broccoli-stuffed mushroom caps...? Even the monkeys won't eat those and they eat their own shit.
Keep it simple and order pizza.
No one ever complains about pizza and if they do you shouldn't have invited them.
Pizza makes every gathering more awesome.
This is an undeniable, universal truth.
4. That Kicked-In-The-Nuts Guy.
Invite this (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y6J-TuRMU1s&feature=related) guy.
If there's anything more consistently entertaining than watching monkeys throw poop at each other, it's watching this guy run around kicking people in the gooch.
I'd wear a hockey cup or something so I wouldn't get my shit ruined, but this dude is hilarious.
Plus he's famous.
Anyway, this felch-fest most certainly won't have anything this awesome at it.
And I'll be powerless to change it because my wife won't let me have one monkey, much less a gang of them.
However...
When my sister-in-law walks down the aisle, I could pop out and horse kick her in the vagina.
I'll let you know how it goes...
-
Four Ways To Make A Wedding More Awesome
So I'm leaving tomorrow to travel to Maryland.
I have to go to my hillbilly sister-in-law's wedding.
This blows for a multitude of reasons, not the least of which is this:
My sister-in-law is a vicious, life-sucking shrew and my dream is to drop her with a Lo-Pan-punch to the babymaker.
Anyway, I also hate weddings because I think they're boring and completely predictable.
If I was a wedding planner, my weddings would be decidedly different and consistently kick-ass.
Here is a brief list of things that would make any wedding more awesome:
1. Nipple-holes.
That's right. Get wedding gowns and bridesmaid dresses with nipple-holes in them.
Just think.
Instead of everyone sighing and grinning like idiots, everyone would be high-fiving and throwing dollar bills and shit.
While we're at it, we could just cut the ass out of everyone's dress too.
Wedding chaps....New invention.
Awesome.
2. Monkeys.
I don't care what kind of gathering it is, somebody letting a dozen monkeys loose in a place really adds some fucking pep.
You want to wait until the end of the ceremony, because monkeys won't sit still for a lot of boring talking.
Monkeys show up to party though and they most certainly do not fuck around.
3. Pizza.
Your broccoli-stuffed mushroom caps...? Even the monkeys won't eat those and they eat their own shit.
Keep it simple and order pizza.
No one ever complains about pizza and if they do you shouldn't have invited them.
Pizza makes every gathering more awesome.
This is an undeniable, universal truth.
4. That Kicked-In-The-Nuts Guy.
Invite this (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y6J-TuRMU1s&feature=related) guy.
If there's anything more consistently entertaining than watching monkeys throw poop at each other, it's watching this guy run around kicking people in the gooch.
I'd wear a hockey cup or something so I wouldn't get my shit ruined, but this dude is hilarious.
Plus he's famous.
Anyway, this felch-fest most certainly won't have anything this awesome at it.
And I'll be powerless to change it because my wife won't let me have one monkey, much less a gang of them.
However...
When my sister-in-law walks down the aisle, I could pop out and horse kick her in the vagina.
I'll let you know how it goes...
Great stuff!!!
I have to say good luck at the wedding and if your gonna use some monkeys maybe use spider monkeys they are always up to no good!
Stay away from the life-sucking-shrew she could be the cave creator dressed in family clothes!!!!
-
Four Ways To Make A Wedding More Awesome
So I'm leaving tomorrow to travel to Maryland.
I have to go to my hillbilly sister-in-law's wedding.
This blows for a multitude of reasons, not the least of which is this:
My sister-in-law is a vicious, life-sucking shrew and my dream is to drop her with a Lo-Pan-punch to the babymaker.
Anyway, I also hate weddings because I think they're boring and completely predictable.
If I was a wedding planner, my weddings would be decidedly different and consistently kick-ass.
Here is a brief list of things that would make any wedding more awesome:
1. Nipple-holes.
That's right. Get wedding gowns and bridesmaid dresses with nipple-holes in them.
Just think.
Instead of everyone sighing and grinning like idiots, everyone would be high-fiving and throwing dollar bills and shit.
While we're at it, we could just cut the ass out of everyone's dress too.
Wedding chaps....New invention.
Awesome.
2. Monkeys.
I don't care what kind of gathering it is, somebody letting a dozen monkeys loose in a place really adds some fucking pep.
You want to wait until the end of the ceremony, because monkeys won't sit still for a lot of boring talking.
Monkeys show up to party though and they most certainly do not fuck around.
3. Pizza.
Your broccoli-stuffed mushroom caps...? Even the monkeys won't eat those and they eat their own shit.
Keep it simple and order pizza.
No one ever complains about pizza and if they do you shouldn't have invited them.
Pizza makes every gathering more awesome.
This is an undeniable, universal truth.
4. That Kicked-In-The-Nuts Guy.
Invite this (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y6J-TuRMU1s&feature=related) guy.
If there's anything more consistently entertaining than watching monkeys throw poop at each other, it's watching this guy run around kicking people in the gooch.
I'd wear a hockey cup or something so I wouldn't get my shit ruined, but this dude is hilarious.
Plus he's famous.
Anyway, this felch-fest most certainly won't have anything this awesome at it.
And I'll be powerless to change it because my wife won't let me have one monkey, much less a gang of them.
However...
When my sister-in-law walks down the aisle, I could pop out and horse kick her in the vagina.
I'll let you know how it goes...
"The Man Who Brought Monkeys to a Wedding"
Rated R for gratuitous primate violence, grotesque mayhem and airborne fecal projectiles.
Starts Friday in theaters everywhere.
Love this shit!
-
Four Ways To Make A Wedding More Awesome
So I'm leaving tomorrow to travel to Maryland.
I have to go to my hillbilly sister-in-law's wedding.
This blows for a multitude of reasons, not the least of which is this:
My sister-in-law is a vicious, life-sucking shrew and my dream is to drop her with a Lo-Pan-punch to the babymaker.
Anyway, I also hate weddings because I think they're boring and completely predictable.
If I was a wedding planner, my weddings would be decidedly different and consistently kick-ass.
Here is a brief list of things that would make any wedding more awesome:
1. Nipple-holes.Â
That's right. Get wedding gowns and bridesmaid dresses with nipple-holes in them.Â
Just think.
Instead of everyone sighing and grinning like idiots, everyone would be high-fiving and throwing dollar bills and shit.Â
While we're at it, we could just cut the ass out of everyone's dress too.Â
Wedding chaps....New invention.
Awesome.
2. Monkeys.Â
I don't care what kind of gathering it is, somebody letting a dozen monkeys loose in a place really adds some fucking pep.Â
You want to wait until the end of the ceremony, because monkeys won't sit still for a lot of boring talking.Â
Monkeys show up to party though and they most certainly do not fuck around.  Â
3. Pizza.Â
Your broccoli-stuffed mushroom caps...? Even the monkeys won't eat those and they eat their own shit.Â
Keep it simple and order pizza.Â
No one ever complains about pizza and if they do you shouldn't have invited them.Â
Pizza makes every gathering more awesome.Â
This is an undeniable, universal truth.
4. That Kicked-In-The-Nuts Guy.Â
Invite this (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y6J-TuRMU1s&feature=related) guy.Â
If there's anything more consistently entertaining than watching monkeys throw poop at each other, it's watching this guy run around kicking people in the gooch.Â
I'd wear a hockey cup or something so I wouldn't get my shit ruined, but this dude is hilarious.Â
Plus he's famous.
Anyway, this felch-fest most certainly won't have anything this awesome at it.
And I'll be powerless to change it because my wife won't let me have one monkey, much less a gang of them.
However...
When my sister-in-law walks down the aisle, I could pop out and horse kick her in the vagina.
I'll let you know how it goes...
"The Man Who Brought Monkeys to a Wedding"
Rated R for gratuitous primate violence, grotesque mayhem and airborne fecal projectiles.
Starts Friday in theaters everywhere.
Love this shit!
'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup'
-
Four Ways To Make A Wedding More Awesome
So I'm leaving tomorrow to travel to Maryland.
I have to go to my hillbilly sister-in-law's wedding.
This blows for a multitude of reasons, not the least of which is this:
My sister-in-law is a vicious, life-sucking shrew and my dream is to drop her with a Lo-Pan-punch to the babymaker.
Anyway, I also hate weddings because I think they're boring and completely predictable.
If I was a wedding planner, my weddings would be decidedly different and consistently kick-ass.
Here is a brief list of things that would make any wedding more awesome:
1. Nipple-holes.Â
That's right. Get wedding gowns and bridesmaid dresses with nipple-holes in them.Â
Just think.
Instead of everyone sighing and grinning like idiots, everyone would be high-fiving and throwing dollar bills and shit.Â
While we're at it, we could just cut the ass out of everyone's dress too.Â
Wedding chaps....New invention.
Awesome.
2. Monkeys.Â
I don't care what kind of gathering it is, somebody letting a dozen monkeys loose in a place really adds some fucking pep.Â
You want to wait until the end of the ceremony, because monkeys won't sit still for a lot of boring talking.Â
Monkeys show up to party though and they most certainly do not fuck around.   Â
3. Pizza.Â
Your broccoli-stuffed mushroom caps...? Even the monkeys won't eat those and they eat their own shit.Â
Keep it simple and order pizza.Â
No one ever complains about pizza and if they do you shouldn't have invited them.Â
Pizza makes every gathering more awesome.Â
This is an undeniable, universal truth.
4. That Kicked-In-The-Nuts Guy.Â
Invite this (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y6J-TuRMU1s&feature=related) guy.Â
If there's anything more consistently entertaining than watching monkeys throw poop at each other, it's watching this guy run around kicking people in the gooch.Â
I'd wear a hockey cup or something so I wouldn't get my shit ruined, but this dude is hilarious.Â
Plus he's famous.
Anyway, this felch-fest most certainly won't have anything this awesome at it.
And I'll be powerless to change it because my wife won't let me have one monkey, much less a gang of them.
However...
When my sister-in-law walks down the aisle, I could pop out and horse kick her in the vagina.
I'll let you know how it goes...
"The Man Who Brought Monkeys to a Wedding"
Rated R for gratuitous primate violence, grotesque mayhem and airborne fecal projectiles.
Starts Friday in theaters everywhere.
Love this shit!
'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup'
My 7 year old and myself have been trying to convince my wife that we NEED a monkey. I was still on the fence up until a few years ago until I found out that they can rip off people's faces and eat them.
Now I want one so bad I can taste it.
And I will be inviting ovr my wife's "nice" friends.
-
I fucked up this post so now it's gone.
-
My 7 year old and myself have been trying to convince my wife that we NEED a monkey.
Waste, see if any of these awesome reasons work on your wife.
Disclaimer: They most certainly did not work on mine.
I Wish I Had A Monkey
Monkeys are awesome.
I've been trying to get my wife to let me get a monkey for the longest time.
She says they fling their shit though.
I tell her that this is just one of the reasons why I want a monkey of my own.
Here are the others:
1. It's cool to put clothes on a monkey.
While putting clothes on your dog automatically makes you a fag, putting clothes on your pet monkey is awesome.
They can wear cool things like Little Slugger baseball hats and pajamas with feet in them.
They can't wear shoes because their feet are so weird, but they can wear shirts with offensive sayings on them.
Who's going to tell a monkey that he can't wear a t-shirt that says "Midgets Can Kiss My Ass"...?
No one, that's who.
2. Chicks dig monkeys.
I don't know anyone who has a monkey, but if I did I'd hang out with him all the time.
The monkey, I mean.
You can take a monkey anywhere and the girls will go crazy for him.
Guaranteed.
You could teach your monkey to grab their boobs and stuff.
They'd giggle and whisper to each other how cute he was.
But you'd get all the action because no girl really wants to fuck with a monkey.
You'd have to do.
3. Monkeys are hilarious.
No explanation needed.
Monkeys crack me the fuck up.
4. Monkeys are generally pretty stupid.
No matter how smart my monkey got, I would always be a genius compared to him.
I could teach him to do stuff and he wouldn't be smart enough to know that he shouldn't be doing those things.
You can invest all kinds of time teaching your little kids to say funny swear words, but some relative always whispers to them that they really shouldn't say such things.
Believe me, I know.
Monkeys however, just don't give a shit.
I would teach my monkey to give the finger, grab his crotch, fling his turds at people, and stuff like that.
And no matter how many times my wife scolded him for it, he would keep right on doing it.
That would be awesome.
5. Monkeys will eat anything.
No more of this special high-priced pet food.
My monkey would eat whatever I was having.
He would sit at the table with me and eat a sandwich with dogshit on it if I gave it to him.
Plus, he would eat stuff that I would otherwise throw away like watermelon rinds, stale bread, and that leftover shit from two weeks ago.
Monkeys don't care.
They're thrilled to be eating something besides bugs and tree bark.
Simply put, a pet monkey would be the best pet in the universe.
BJ had one named Bear.
If you recall, they drove around in BJ's tractor trailer truck, solving problems for hot country bitches.
Bear was the shit.
-
Midgets can be entertaining at weddings. I paid 2 to show up at my sister's wedding and dance around and make fools of themselves. That was 1994 and she's still pissed about it.
-
Midgets can be entertaining at weddings. I paid 2 to show up at my sister's wedding and dance around and make fools of themselves. That was 1994 and she's still pissed about it.
'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup'
-
Thats great now what would she have done if they were throwing bologna wearing kilts and singing the YMCA song?
-
The thing about monkeys that no one seems to remember is that- the ownership of a monkey ALWAYS ends in death. However, It's who's death, and HOW that is important to consider.
If the pet/owner relationship is broken upon the death of the owner... let me rephrase that... the faceless, genital-less bloody heap of a monkey piss soaked corpse that loosely resembles the previous shape of the once owner, only proven to be so because monkeys have no use for wallets, and the ID of the owner still rests within his back pocket, which may or may not have been torn off so that the monkey could perform the Coup de grace - 6 hour post-mortem butt-fuck that is so common amongst them in the wild... then you have to consider that. Just sayin.
Now, if the relationship ends upon the death of the monkey, it will be because he did the above described "monkey-business" to someone OTHER than the owner, and he will be shot by some asshole in a khaki uniform sporting minimum wage and a boner for shooting "rouge animals." Again, just sayin.
I guess to sum up, my opinon on monkeys is: Fuck Monkeys, I like my face and genitals.
-
Dreams
Ok, so my dreams lately have been fucking me up.
All my life, my dreams at night time have always had several things in common:
1. I can fly if I want to.
2. I know kung-fu better than anyone.
3. Chicks dig me.
4. I always win at everything, including saving the entire universe.
5. The bad guys all look like Black Bart (http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-YlpSPi_2nLA/ThXO9t0iT1I/AAAAAAAAVKE/5tJqgw17QeQ/s400/black%2Bbart.jpg) from A Christmas Story
6. I always get invited to Letterman after ruining the shit of Black Bart and his henchmen.
Lately though, every dream has also included dip.
I can't seem to escape the fact that I'm dipping ninja-style in every dream.
Plus, I'm fucking people up with my kung-fu because they noticed and are going to rat me out.
Last night, in my dream, my lunch lady from 6th grade was at my house, peeped me sneaking a pinch and started pointing.
She stood there on the other side of my moat, saying she was going to drop a dime.
So I flew up into the air, came down on the other side of my moat, and started tuning her up.
She was tough too, but I put a popknot on her head you could open a gift shop on.
But then I got nervous that maybe she told.
(Who she told, I don't know...maybe you bitches.)
Anyway, these dream are cramping my style I'm not enjoying them very much.
It's like you might dream of throwing a poke into Kelly Ripa, but in your dream you can't get your top hat off.
It's irritating and doesn't represent your best foot forward.
It's weird, it's bothering me, and I thought that maybe if I got it out there, it would just go away.
I'll let you know.
-
Dreams
Ok, so my dreams lately have been fucking me up.
All my life, my dreams at night time have always had several things in common:
1. I can fly if I want to.
2. I know kung-fu better than anyone.
3. Chicks dig me.
4. I always win at everything, including saving the entire universe.
5. The bad guys all look like Black Bart (http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-YlpSPi_2nLA/ThXO9t0iT1I/AAAAAAAAVKE/5tJqgw17QeQ/s400/black%2Bbart.jpg) from A Christmas Story
6. I always get invited to Letterman after ruining the shit of Black Bart and his henchmen.
Lately though, every dream has also included dip.
I can't seem to escape the fact that I'm dipping ninja-style in every dream.
Plus, I'm fucking people up with my kung-fu because they noticed and are going to rat me out.
Last night, in my dream, my lunch lady from 6th grade was at my house, peeped me sneaking a pinch and started pointing.
She stood there on the other side of my moat, saying she was going to drop a dime.
So I flew up into the air, came down on the other side of my moat, and started tuning her up.
She was tough too, but I put a popknot on her head you could open a gift shop on.
But then I got nervous that maybe she told.
(Who she told, I don't know...maybe you bitches.)
Anyway, these dream are cramping my style I'm not enjoying them very much.
It's like you might dream of throwing a poke into Kelly Ripa, but in your dream you can't get your top hat off.
It's irritating and doesn't represent your best foot forward.
It's weird, it's bothering me, and I thought that maybe if I got it out there, it would just go away.
I'll let you know.
Dude, all I can say is you have way better dreams than I do!
I can see where dipping in your dreams is a cause for concern, but you got a freaking moat and chicks dig you. I'd say that is more than a fair trade-off for dreaming... :D
-
Four Ways To Make A Wedding More Awesome
So I'm leaving tomorrow to travel to Maryland.
I have to go to my hillbilly sister-in-law's wedding.
This blows for a multitude of reasons, not the least of which is this:
My sister-in-law is a vicious, life-sucking shrew and my dream is to drop her with a Lo-Pan-punch to the babymaker.
Anyway, I also hate weddings because I think they're boring and completely predictable.
If I was a wedding planner, my weddings would be decidedly different and consistently kick-ass.
Here is a brief list of things that would make any wedding more awesome:
1. Nipple-holes.
That's right. Get wedding gowns and bridesmaid dresses with nipple-holes in them.
Just think.
Instead of everyone sighing and grinning like idiots, everyone would be high-fiving and throwing dollar bills and shit.
While we're at it, we could just cut the ass out of everyone's dress too.
Wedding chaps....New invention.
Awesome.
2. Monkeys.
I don't care what kind of gathering it is, somebody letting a dozen monkeys loose in a place really adds some fucking pep.
You want to wait until the end of the ceremony, because monkeys won't sit still for a lot of boring talking.
Monkeys show up to party though and they most certainly do not fuck around.
3. Pizza.
Your broccoli-stuffed mushroom caps...? Even the monkeys won't eat those and they eat their own shit.
Keep it simple and order pizza.
No one ever complains about pizza and if they do you shouldn't have invited them.
Pizza makes every gathering more awesome.
This is an undeniable, universal truth.
4. That Kicked-In-The-Nuts Guy.
Invite this (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y6J-TuRMU1s&feature=related) guy.
If there's anything more consistently entertaining than watching monkeys throw poop at each other, it's watching this guy run around kicking people in the gooch.
I'd wear a hockey cup or something so I wouldn't get my shit ruined, but this dude is hilarious.
Plus he's famous.
Anyway, this felch-fest most certainly won't have anything this awesome at it.
And I'll be powerless to change it because my wife won't let me have one monkey, much less a gang of them.
However...
When my sister-in-law walks down the aisle, I could pop out and horse kick her in the vagina.
I'll let you know how it goes...
Hey SWJ,
Forgot to ask, how did the hillbilly wedding go?
-
Dreams
Ok, so my dreams lately have been fucking me up.
All my life, my dreams at night time have always had several things in common:
1. I can fly if I want to.
2. I know kung-fu better than anyone.
3. Chicks dig me.
4. I always win at everything, including saving the entire universe.
5. The bad guys all look like Black Bart (http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-YlpSPi_2nLA/ThXO9t0iT1I/AAAAAAAAVKE/5tJqgw17QeQ/s400/black%2Bbart.jpg) from A Christmas Story
6. I always get invited to Letterman after ruining the shit of Black Bart and his henchmen.
Lately though, every dream has also included dip.
I can't seem to escape the fact that I'm dipping ninja-style in every dream.
Plus, I'm fucking people up with my kung-fu because they noticed and are going to rat me out.
Last night, in my dream, my lunch lady from 6th grade was at my house, peeped me sneaking a pinch and started pointing.
She stood there on the other side of my moat, saying she was going to drop a dime.
So I flew up into the air, came down on the other side of my moat, and started tuning her up.
She was tough too, but I put a popknot on her head you could open a gift shop on.
But then I got nervous that maybe she told.
(Who she told, I don't know...maybe you bitches.)
Anyway, these dream are cramping my style I'm not enjoying them very much.
It's like you might dream of throwing a poke into Kelly Ripa, but in your dream you can't get your top hat off.
It's irritating and doesn't represent your best foot forward.
It's weird, it's bothering me, and I thought that maybe if I got it out there, it would just go away.
I'll let you know.
Dude, all I can say is you have way better dreams than I do!
I can see where dipping in your dreams is a cause for concern, but you got a freaking moat and chicks dig you. I'd say that is more than a fair trade-off for dreaming... :D
Great stuff!
My dreams lately have been horrible mostly its like I am trying to sneak dipping from my family and this website.....
Its like I am dreaming and going hunting when I decide to put in a fatty but when I do there is music playing and this big boombing voice and a picture of Wastepanel starring me down saying in the best James Earl Jones voice "PUT THAT SHIT DOWN!!!!!"
Strange shit I know......
Anyway keep up the good work and the kick ass quit!
-
Hey SWJ,
Forgot to ask, how did the hillbilly wedding go?
Good question.
So before we left, I was in charge of packing the car, which of course is a black Chrysler Barricuda with FUK-U vanity plates and 55" tires on the back.
So in the trunk I put the following:
Six monkeys...
A Fatty-Patty Blowup Doll...
One life-size possum made out of lime jello...
I had some other shit to put in there too, but the monkeys wouldn't calm the fuck down.
Anyway, we made it from Massachusetts to Maryland in about an hour because my Barricuda kicks so much ass.
We got to my in-laws' house and my mother-in-law came running out of her hovel all squealing and waving and shit.
So I clipped her with the bumper of the 'Cuda and sent her flying into the mailbox.
Then I got out and started yelling at her for smudging my sled.
Then my father-in-law came over and told me to calm down so I asked him "What's that?" as I pointed to the front of his shirt and when he looked down I pulled his shirt up over his head and drop kicked him into the side of the house.
Instead of being mad, my wife got turned on by my awesomeness and I bent her over the trunk of my 'Cuda, right in front of her parents, who were both lying in blubbering heaps in their own front yard.
So anyway, we went to the wedding, which was held at Stan's Bowling Alley.
Stan's, as you might imagine, is a shit hole.
I was pissed about having to be seen at a dive like this, so when some older lady stepped to my shit to say "Welcome" or something, I put her in her place by socking her one right in the piehole.
Even though she was knocked the fuck out, I was talking smack to her anyway and a whole group of dudes came schlepping over saying "Hear, hear!" and "What's this" and shit like that.
So I used my monkey whistle and all six of my monkeys came running in from the parking lot.
As you might have guessed, my monkeys don't fuck around so they immediately started wrecking the shit of everyone who was bothering me.
People were yelling and hollering and I was just standing there with my foot on the older lady's neck, while my monkey gang brought the Thunder.
This, of course, turned my wife on again so I had to give her the business.
All the ass-whooping and business-giving tired me out a little so I cancelled the wedding ceremony, and I told everyone to get their asses right to the reception.
Sensing that I was ready to party, everyone hustled right the fuck up.
So we got to the reception, at which point some dude came out and said that he'd be glad to park my car for me.
No one touches my car.
So I reached out the window, grabbed this kid by the bow-tie, and smacked him into the door sill a couple of times, knocking him right the fuck out.
I parked my car right there and got out, dropping a big wad of grape Bubblicious right on the unconscious kid's forehead.
Then I walked in and gave the groom the Fatty Patty Blowup Doll, and gave my sister-in-law the lime jello possum.
"What're these...?" they said, looking unappreciative at the awesomeness of my gifts.
Oh, let me show you, I told them.
I snatched Fatty Patty away from the groom and jammed her vagina opening right down over his head.
My sister-in-law opened her mouth to holler, so I clobbered her one right in the pudenda.
The lime jello possum went flying up into the air, and I caught it with one hand and threw it at my mother-in-law, who was hobbling over in her walker to join the fray.
The possum caught her right in the face, but I had thrown a knuckle-possum, so it just stuck there with her fat head inside it and she went over backwards and broke her other hip.
The groom had managed to get halfway out of Fatty Patty's vagina, so I punched Patty right about where I thought his head would be and it worked because he went down like a sack of flour.
Only this sack of flour had a 5'9" inflatable fat girl jammed onto his head.
Then I asked if anyone else wanted to start some shit, but no one did.
Then my wife poked me on the shoulder and begged me to give it to her again because she was all revved up from me kicking so much ass....
Needless to say, things turned out just about how I expected them to.
If you object to any of this, don't invite me to your stupid wedding.
-
Hey SWJ,
Forgot to ask, how did the hillbilly wedding go?
Good question.
So before we left, I was in charge of packing the car, which of course is a black Chrysler Barricuda with FUK-U vanity plates and 55" tires on the back.
So in the trunk I put the following:
Six monkeys...
A Fatty-Patty Blowup Doll...
One life-size possum made out of lime jello...
I had some other shit to put in there too, but the monkeys wouldn't calm the fuck down.
Anyway, we made it from Massachusetts to Maryland in about an hour because my Barricuda kicks so much ass.
We got to my in-laws' house and my mother-in-law came running out of her hovel all squealing and waving and shit.
So I clipped her with the bumper of the 'Cuda and sent her flying into the mailbox.
Then I got out and started yelling at her for smudging my sled.
Then my father-in-law came over and told me to calm down so I asked him "What's that?" as I pointed to the front of his shirt and when he looked down I pulled his shirt up over his head and drop kicked him into the side of the house.
Instead of being mad, my wife got turned on by my awesomeness and I bent her over the trunk of my 'Cuda, right in front of her parents, who were both lying in blubbering heaps in their own front yard.
So anyway, we went to the wedding, which was held at Stan's Bowling Alley.
Stan's, as you might imagine, is a shit hole.
I was pissed about having to be seen at a dive like this, so when some older lady stepped to my shit to say "Welcome" or something, I put her in her place by socking her one right in the piehole.
Even though she was knocked the fuck out, I was talking smack to her anyway and a whole group of dudes came schlepping over saying "Hear, hear!" and "What's this" and shit like that.
So I used my monkey whistle and all six of my monkeys came running in from the parking lot.
As you might have guessed, my monkeys don't fuck around so they immediately started wrecking the shit of everyone who was bothering me.
People were yelling and hollering and I was just standing there with my foot on the older lady's neck, while my monkey gang brought the Thunder.
This, of course, turned my wife on again so I had to give her the business.
All the ass-whooping and business-giving tired me out a little so I cancelled the wedding ceremony, and I told everyone to get their asses right to the reception.
Sensing that I was ready to party, everyone hustled right the fuck up.
So we got to the reception, at which point some dude came out and said that he'd be glad to park my car for me.
No one touches my car.
So I reached out the window, grabbed this kid by the bow-tie, and smacked him into the door sill a couple of times, knocking him right the fuck out.
I parked my car right there and got out, dropping a big wad of grape Bubblicious right on the unconscious kid's forehead.
Then I walked in and gave the groom the Fatty Patty Blowup Doll, and gave my sister-in-law the lime jello possum.
"What're these...?" they said, looking unappreciative at the awesomeness of my gifts.
Oh, let me show you, I told them.
I snatched Fatty Patty away from the groom and jammed her vagina opening right down over his head.
My sister-in-law opened her mouth to holler, so I clobbered her one right in the pudenda.
The lime jello possum went flying up into the air, and I caught it with one hand and threw it at my mother-in-law, who was hobbling over in her walker to join the fray.
The possum caught her right in the face, but I had thrown a knuckle-possum, so it just stuck there with her fat head inside it and she went over backwards and broke her other hip.
The groom had managed to get halfway out of Fatty Patty's vagina, so I punched Patty right about where I thought his head would be and it worked because he went down like a sack of flour.
Only this sack of flour had a 5'9" inflatable fat girl jammed onto his head.
Then I asked if anyone else wanted to start some shit, but no one did.
Then my wife poked me on the shoulder and begged me to give it to her again because she was all revved up from me kicking so much ass....
Needless to say, things turned out just about how I expected them to.
If you object to any of this, don't invite me to your stupid wedding.
Did you at least have some cake?
-
Hey SWJ,
Forgot to ask, how did the hillbilly wedding go?
Good question.
So before we left, I was in charge of packing the car, which of course is a black Chrysler Barricuda with FUK-U vanity plates and 55" tires on the back.
So in the trunk I put the following:
Six monkeys...
A Fatty-Patty Blowup Doll...
One life-size possum made out of lime jello...
I had some other shit to put in there too, but the monkeys wouldn't calm the fuck down.
Anyway, we made it from Massachusetts to Maryland in about an hour because my Barricuda kicks so much ass.
We got to my in-laws' house and my mother-in-law came running out of her hovel all squealing and waving and shit.
So I clipped her with the bumper of the 'Cuda and sent her flying into the mailbox.
Then I got out and started yelling at her for smudging my sled.
Then my father-in-law came over and told me to calm down so I asked him "What's that?" as I pointed to the front of his shirt and when he looked down I pulled his shirt up over his head and drop kicked him into the side of the house.
Instead of being mad, my wife got turned on by my awesomeness and I bent her over the trunk of my 'Cuda, right in front of her parents, who were both lying in blubbering heaps in their own front yard.
So anyway, we went to the wedding, which was held at Stan's Bowling Alley.
Stan's, as you might imagine, is a shit hole.
I was pissed about having to be seen at a dive like this, so when some older lady stepped to my shit to say "Welcome" or something, I put her in her place by socking her one right in the piehole.
Even though she was knocked the fuck out, I was talking smack to her anyway and a whole group of dudes came schlepping over saying "Hear, hear!" and "What's this" and shit like that.
So I used my monkey whistle and all six of my monkeys came running in from the parking lot.
As you might have guessed, my monkeys don't fuck around so they immediately started wrecking the shit of everyone who was bothering me.
People were yelling and hollering and I was just standing there with my foot on the older lady's neck, while my monkey gang brought the Thunder.
This, of course, turned my wife on again so I had to give her the business.
All the ass-whooping and business-giving tired me out a little so I cancelled the wedding ceremony, and I told everyone to get their asses right to the reception.
Sensing that I was ready to party, everyone hustled right the fuck up.
So we got to the reception, at which point some dude came out and said that he'd be glad to park my car for me.
No one touches my car.
So I reached out the window, grabbed this kid by the bow-tie, and smacked him into the door sill a couple of times, knocking him right the fuck out.
I parked my car right there and got out, dropping a big wad of grape Bubblicious right on the unconscious kid's forehead.
Then I walked in and gave the groom the Fatty Patty Blowup Doll, and gave my sister-in-law the lime jello possum.
"What're these...?" they said, looking unappreciative at the awesomeness of my gifts.
Oh, let me show you, I told them.
I snatched Fatty Patty away from the groom and jammed her vagina opening right down over his head.
My sister-in-law opened her mouth to holler, so I clobbered her one right in the pudenda.
The lime jello possum went flying up into the air, and I caught it with one hand and threw it at my mother-in-law, who was hobbling over in her walker to join the fray.
The possum caught her right in the face, but I had thrown a knuckle-possum, so it just stuck there with her fat head inside it and she went over backwards and broke her other hip.
The groom had managed to get halfway out of Fatty Patty's vagina, so I punched Patty right about where I thought his head would be and it worked because he went down like a sack of flour.
Only this sack of flour had a 5'9" inflatable fat girl jammed onto his head.
Then I asked if anyone else wanted to start some shit, but no one did.
Then my wife poked me on the shoulder and begged me to give it to her again because she was all revved up from me kicking so much ass....
Needless to say, things turned out just about how I expected them to.
If you object to any of this, don't invite me to your stupid wedding.
Did you at least have some cake?
'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup'
Great stuff!!!
-
Hey SWJ,
Forgot to ask, how did the hillbilly wedding go?
Good question.
So before we left, I was in charge of packing the car, which of course is a black Chrysler Barricuda with FUK-U vanity plates and 55" tires on the back.
So in the trunk I put the following:
Six monkeys...
A Fatty-Patty Blowup Doll...
One life-size possum made out of lime jello...
I had some other shit to put in there too, but the monkeys wouldn't calm the fuck down.
Anyway, we made it from Massachusetts to Maryland in about an hour because my Barricuda kicks so much ass.
We got to my in-laws' house and my mother-in-law came running out of her hovel all squealing and waving and shit.
So I clipped her with the bumper of the 'Cuda and sent her flying into the mailbox.
Then I got out and started yelling at her for smudging my sled.
Then my father-in-law came over and told me to calm down so I asked him "What's that?" as I pointed to the front of his shirt and when he looked down I pulled his shirt up over his head and drop kicked him into the side of the house.
Instead of being mad, my wife got turned on by my awesomeness and I bent her over the trunk of my 'Cuda, right in front of her parents, who were both lying in blubbering heaps in their own front yard.
So anyway, we went to the wedding, which was held at Stan's Bowling Alley.
Stan's, as you might imagine, is a shit hole.
I was pissed about having to be seen at a dive like this, so when some older lady stepped to my shit to say "Welcome" or something, I put her in her place by socking her one right in the piehole.
Even though she was knocked the fuck out, I was talking smack to her anyway and a whole group of dudes came schlepping over saying "Hear, hear!" and "What's this" and shit like that.
So I used my monkey whistle and all six of my monkeys came running in from the parking lot.
As you might have guessed, my monkeys don't fuck around so they immediately started wrecking the shit of everyone who was bothering me.
People were yelling and hollering and I was just standing there with my foot on the older lady's neck, while my monkey gang brought the Thunder.
This, of course, turned my wife on again so I had to give her the business.
All the ass-whooping and business-giving tired me out a little so I cancelled the wedding ceremony, and I told everyone to get their asses right to the reception.
Sensing that I was ready to party, everyone hustled right the fuck up.
So we got to the reception, at which point some dude came out and said that he'd be glad to park my car for me.
No one touches my car.
So I reached out the window, grabbed this kid by the bow-tie, and smacked him into the door sill a couple of times, knocking him right the fuck out.
I parked my car right there and got out, dropping a big wad of grape Bubblicious right on the unconscious kid's forehead.
Then I walked in and gave the groom the Fatty Patty Blowup Doll, and gave my sister-in-law the lime jello possum.
"What're these...?" they said, looking unappreciative at the awesomeness of my gifts.
Oh, let me show you, I told them.
I snatched Fatty Patty away from the groom and jammed her vagina opening right down over his head.
My sister-in-law opened her mouth to holler, so I clobbered her one right in the pudenda.
The lime jello possum went flying up into the air, and I caught it with one hand and threw it at my mother-in-law, who was hobbling over in her walker to join the fray.
The possum caught her right in the face, but I had thrown a knuckle-possum, so it just stuck there with her fat head inside it and she went over backwards and broke her other hip.
The groom had managed to get halfway out of Fatty Patty's vagina, so I punched Patty right about where I thought his head would be and it worked because he went down like a sack of flour.
Only this sack of flour had a 5'9" inflatable fat girl jammed onto his head.
Then I asked if anyone else wanted to start some shit, but no one did.
Then my wife poked me on the shoulder and begged me to give it to her again because she was all revved up from me kicking so much ass....
Needless to say, things turned out just about how I expected them to.
If you object to any of this, don't invite me to your stupid wedding.
You are one disturbed individual. Hell, I like you. Maybe you can come over to my house and fuck my sister.
-
YES!
Holy funny. The 'Cuda and "when he looked down I pulled his shirt up over his head..." are key highlights.
Next time, forget the Bubblicious, though. Tear down your pants and squat right over the dude's face and belly-flop a deuce. Yes, it's really hard to do. You'll more than likely just trickle peepee on him for a solid minute while everyone watches in horror as your asshole surges and puckers like a gas bubble in boiling Cream of Wheat. But when you do start shitting, and that shit harpoons his bottom lip, grates across his teeth and flops down across his snout and eyelid, you're going to love yourself more than you - and I - already do.
-
YES!
Holy funny. The 'Cuda and "when he looked down I pulled his shirt up over his head..." are key highlights.
Next time, forget the Bubblicious, though. Tear down your pants and squat right over the dude's face and belly-flop a deuce. Yes, it's really hard to do. You'll more than likely just trickle peepee on him for a solid minute while everyone watches in horror as your asshole surges and puckers like a gas bubble in boiling Cream of Wheat. But when you do start shitting, and that shit harpoons his bottom lip, grates across his teeth and flops down across his snout and eyelid, you're going to love yourself more than you - and I - already do.
Dean, just cause you like Hot Karl's doesn't mean somebody else does.
-
Hey SWJ,
Forgot to ask, how did the hillbilly wedding go?
Good question.
So before we left, I was in charge of packing the car, which of course is a black Chrysler Barricuda with FUK-U vanity plates and 55" tires on the back.
So in the trunk I put the following:
Six monkeys...
A Fatty-Patty Blowup Doll...
One life-size possum made out of lime jello...
I had some other shit to put in there too, but the monkeys wouldn't calm the fuck down.
Anyway, we made it from Massachusetts to Maryland in about an hour because my Barricuda kicks so much ass.
We got to my in-laws' house and my mother-in-law came running out of her hovel all squealing and waving and shit.
So I clipped her with the bumper of the 'Cuda and sent her flying into the mailbox.
Then I got out and started yelling at her for smudging my sled.
Then my father-in-law came over and told me to calm down so I asked him "What's that?" as I pointed to the front of his shirt and when he looked down I pulled his shirt up over his head and drop kicked him into the side of the house.
Instead of being mad, my wife got turned on by my awesomeness and I bent her over the trunk of my 'Cuda, right in front of her parents, who were both lying in blubbering heaps in their own front yard.
So anyway, we went to the wedding, which was held at Stan's Bowling Alley.
Stan's, as you might imagine, is a shit hole.
I was pissed about having to be seen at a dive like this, so when some older lady stepped to my shit to say "Welcome" or something, I put her in her place by socking her one right in the piehole.
Even though she was knocked the fuck out, I was talking smack to her anyway and a whole group of dudes came schlepping over saying "Hear, hear!" and "What's this" and shit like that.
So I used my monkey whistle and all six of my monkeys came running in from the parking lot.
As you might have guessed, my monkeys don't fuck around so they immediately started wrecking the shit of everyone who was bothering me.
People were yelling and hollering and I was just standing there with my foot on the older lady's neck, while my monkey gang brought the Thunder.
This, of course, turned my wife on again so I had to give her the business.
All the ass-whooping and business-giving tired me out a little so I cancelled the wedding ceremony, and I told everyone to get their asses right to the reception.
Sensing that I was ready to party, everyone hustled right the fuck up.
So we got to the reception, at which point some dude came out and said that he'd be glad to park my car for me.
No one touches my car.
So I reached out the window, grabbed this kid by the bow-tie, and smacked him into the door sill a couple of times, knocking him right the fuck out.
I parked my car right there and got out, dropping a big wad of grape Bubblicious right on the unconscious kid's forehead.
Then I walked in and gave the groom the Fatty Patty Blowup Doll, and gave my sister-in-law the lime jello possum.
"What're these...?" they said, looking unappreciative at the awesomeness of my gifts.
Oh, let me show you, I told them.
I snatched Fatty Patty away from the groom and jammed her vagina opening right down over his head.
My sister-in-law opened her mouth to holler, so I clobbered her one right in the pudenda.
The lime jello possum went flying up into the air, and I caught it with one hand and threw it at my mother-in-law, who was hobbling over in her walker to join the fray.
The possum caught her right in the face, but I had thrown a knuckle-possum, so it just stuck there with her fat head inside it and she went over backwards and broke her other hip.
The groom had managed to get halfway out of Fatty Patty's vagina, so I punched Patty right about where I thought his head would be and it worked because he went down like a sack of flour.
Only this sack of flour had a 5'9" inflatable fat girl jammed onto his head.
Then I asked if anyone else wanted to start some shit, but no one did.
Then my wife poked me on the shoulder and begged me to give it to her again because she was all revved up from me kicking so much ass....
Needless to say, things turned out just about how I expected them to.
If you object to any of this, don't invite me to your stupid wedding.
That's just funny. 'crackup'
-
Day #4 started today. Days 1-3 were easier than I thought they would be, but today is tough. I miss my Grizzly. I miss the taste, I miss the slight buzz, I miss the smell of a brand new, freshly opened can, I miss that first pinch, and the ridiculous little amount of excitement that I got when I realized that this can was fresher and more moist than the last can. God, I could use a dip right now...
I don't think I'll do it though -
First, I told myself that I wouldn't. Second, I told all of you that I wouldn't. I haven't told my wife that I've stopped yet, but my plan was to wait until I got an entire week under my belt to tell her. Third, I don't need the dip. I want it, but I don't need it.
Short term...? Quitting sucks. I hate quitting and I miss dipping.
Long term...? It's the right thing to do I'd much rather The Quit suck a little bit, than suck a LOT because I'm going to die. I don't really want to quit, but I don't want to die even more.
For my own sake, I'm going to go through writing down my reasons for quitting again - You can read them, but right now they're for me - If I don't write these down again, I'm afraid I will go directly to the convenience store for the Grizzly, so here they are:
1. I don't want my wife to marry someone else because I died from this shit.
2. I don't want some other dude living in my house because I died from this shit.
3. I don't want anyone else taking care of my 7 year old little boy. I am the only person on earth who knows how to love him the best.
4. My twelve year old son needs me - I promised him that I would be around for a long, long time I don't want him asking some other guy some day why I lied to him.
5. My wife deserves better. I am ashamed of having lied to her all this time and I am going to be the man she deserves me to be.
6. I don't want to think about some other dude laughing and joking with his friends about dating my wife because he heard that her first husband was some kind of an idiot and killed himself with dip...
7. My wife and I made our family - Without the 2 of us, there would be no 4 of us.
8. I love my family and they love me.
9. Without me though, some other man would eventually come into their lives.
10. My family needs me and I need them - Nothing is more important to us than each other and the three of them deserve to be proud of me instead of ashamed and embarassed
11. My wife deserves the marriage that she always wanted - Tobacco is the ONE thing that has come between us and THAT is OVER.
I DON'T CARE IF I HAVE TO WRITE THIS OVER AND OVER EVERY DAY FOR THE NEXT YEAR. I am THROUGH with tobacco - I miss it, but I no longer care more about that than I do about the important things: Love, family, health, wisdom, and so on. Grizzly, Kodiak, whatever - There is NO way that they compare with the things that are important to me now.
The hold that tobacco had on me is slipping away and the habit is losing its grip.
It will undoubtedly catch someone else today and start the struggle anew, but the struggle here is DONE.
There is no way that tobacco can step to my Ninja willpower.
Wow what a great statement! Glad I came across it.
-
My dearest Dip -
You may be wondering where I've been for the last 28 days. I've been doing a lot of thinking I needed some time to myself.
I want you to know that it's over between us. Frankly, I think we're both to blame and there are things that both of us could have done differently, but in the end, we're bad for each other and I need to move on.
When we met, I was head over heels. I literally couldn't get enough of you, and you always seemed to know when I needed you most. You were there for me during my most personal moments and you always knew just what to do. You gave me confidence, you inspired me, and as a result, my every waking moment revolved around when I would be with you next.
I tried to share my feelings about you with a couple of people, but they just didn't seem to understand. They didn't see the wonder in you that I saw and they didn't appreciate you. In fact, they seemed to know things about you that I didn't want to believe, and they talked badly about you, saying that you were no good for me.
But I was devoted.
Then I noticed that practically everyone found you distasteful except me. They tried to split us up and break us apart, but I wouldn't listen to them talk that way about you. I saw the beauty in you and I found everything about you delicious. You satisfied me in every way no one had ever made me feel that way before.
So I stayed committed.
Other girls came on to me and tried to wedge their way between us. My parents didn't appreciate you and my friends thought you were gross. I wasn't allowed to bring you with me to certain places because of other people's intolerance.
So I kept us a secret.
To keep us together, I stopped telling people about you. I went out of my way to keep our relationship a secret, and I lied to practically everyone with whom I came in contact, just so that our relationship could continue. I stopped hanging out with people who said you were no good for me. I stopped going to places that wouldn't allow us to be together in public.
My happiest times were when everyone would leave me alone and we could be alone together.
Then, I began to doubt us.
I began to notice that we weren't progressing. While I was going to greater and greater lengths to be with you, you weren't doing anything new for me. It was always me that was putting forth all the effort and I started to get tired.
When I mentioned this, you laughed at me. When I suggested that we needed a break from each other, you made fun of me. You said that I'd never be able to get rid of you, that I needed you too much, and that I was weak.
And it dawned on me that you didn't really feel for me the way I felt about you. I started to wonder if you were just using me. I'd spent all this time trying to make it so that we could be together and you never really cared at all. You'd been using me from the very beginning, for almost 20 years...
And I started to get pissed.
I changed the locks on the doors while you laughed at me. I packed up all your shit while you made fun of me. I threw out all your pictures while you taunted me, telling me that I'd never be able to get rid of you. I tried to shut you out as best I could.
And it was the hardest thing I'd ever done.
People supported me though. People who knew you were bad for me helped me through. People who knew you gave us something in common. We talked about your cruelty and how much you'd hurt me, as well as how much worse you'd hurt others.
And still you got to me.
I'd see you driving by. I'd think of you at odd hours during the day. Little things would bring you to mind and you'd be right there, waiting, taunting, and beckoning me.
It turns out I was weak and you wore me the fuck down.
I gave you another chance because you said it would be different, or at least that's what I thought you said. As it turns out, it wasn't different at all. At first, it felt so comfortable to have you back, but then the old patterns started again, and you didn't seem to care any more than you did before.
And then I was ashamed of you.
And ashamed of myself
And pissed.
So now, here we are and for the record, partly because I've been nothing but respectful all through our relationship, and partly because you need to hear it this way, I'm going to be frank with you about a couple of things...
First, you're done here. The place I had for you is gone.
Paved over. Condemned. No longer reserved.
You can move the fuck on.
Second, it took me a while, but I've got your fucking number and there's no changing it or hiding it from me.
I know what you are.
Third, guess what. You're the weak one. You thought that you'd be able to break me and you weren't wrong.
But you'd be wrong now.
Fucking with me would be an exercise in futility.
You see, it's over and I'm not sorry about it. We can part relatively amicably or I can personally wreck your shit for you.
Your choice.
Hard or easy.
Either way, we're finished, once and for all.
Lick my butthole,
SWJ
-
My dearest Dip -
You may be wondering where I've been for the last 28 days. I've been doing a lot of thinking I needed some time to myself.
I want you to know that it's over between us. Frankly, I think we're both to blame and there are things that both of us could have done differently, but in the end, we're bad for each other and I need to move on.
When we met, I was head over heels. I literally couldn't get enough of you, and you always seemed to know when I needed you most. You were there for me during my most personal moments and you always knew just what to do. You gave me confidence, you inspired me, and as a result, my every waking moment revolved around when I would be with you next.
I tried to share my feelings about you with a couple of people, but they just didn't seem to understand. They didn't see the wonder in you that I saw and they didn't appreciate you. In fact, they seemed to know things about you that I didn't want to believe, and they talked badly about you, saying that you were no good for me.
But I was devoted.
Then I noticed that practically everyone found you distasteful except me. They tried to split us up and break us apart, but I wouldn't listen to them talk that way about you. I saw the beauty in you and I found everything about you delicious. You satisfied me in every way no one had ever made me feel that way before.
So I stayed committed.
Other girls came on to me and tried to wedge their way between us. My parents didn't appreciate you and my friends thought you were gross. I wasn't allowed to bring you with me to certain places because of other people's intolerance.
So I kept us a secret.
To keep us together, I stopped telling people about you. I went out of my way to keep our relationship a secret, and I lied to practically everyone with whom I came in contact, just so that our relationship could continue. I stopped hanging out with people who said you were no good for me. I stopped going to places that wouldn't allow us to be together in public.
My happiest times were when everyone would leave me alone and we could be alone together.
Then, I began to doubt us.
I began to notice that we weren't progressing. While I was going to greater and greater lengths to be with you, you weren't doing anything new for me. It was always me that was putting forth all the effort and I started to get tired.
When I mentioned this, you laughed at me. When I suggested that we needed a break from each other, you made fun of me. You said that I'd never be able to get rid of you, that I needed you too much, and that I was weak.
And it dawned on me that you didn't really feel for me the way I felt about you. I started to wonder if you were just using me. I'd spent all this time trying to make it so that we could be together and you never really cared at all. You'd been using me from the very beginning, for almost 20 years...
And I started to get pissed.
I changed the locks on the doors while you laughed at me. I packed up all your shit while you made fun of me. I threw out all your pictures while you taunted me, telling me that I'd never be able to get rid of you. I tried to shut you out as best I could.
And it was the hardest thing I'd ever done.
People supported me though. People who knew you were bad for me helped me through. People who knew you gave us something in common. We talked about your cruelty and how much you'd hurt me, as well as how much worse you'd hurt others.
And still you got to me.
I'd see you driving by. I'd think of you at odd hours during the day. Little things would bring you to mind and you'd be right there, waiting, taunting, and beckoning me.
It turns out I was weak and you wore me the fuck down.
I gave you another chance because you said it would be different, or at least that's what I thought you said. As it turns out, it wasn't different at all. At first, it felt so comfortable to have you back, but then the old patterns started again, and you didn't seem to care any more than you did before.
And then I was ashamed of you.
And ashamed of myself
And pissed.
So now, here we are and for the record, partly because I've been nothing but respectful all through our relationship, and partly because you need to hear it this way, I'm going to be frank with you about a couple of things...
First, you're done here. The place I had for you is gone.
Paved over. Condemned. No longer reserved.
You can move the fuck on.
Second, it took me a while, but I've got your fucking number and there's no changing it or hiding it from me.
I know what you are.
Third, guess what. You're the weak one. You thought that you'd be able to break me and you weren't wrong.
But you'd be wrong now.
Fucking with me would be an exercise in futility.
You see, it's over and I'm not sorry about it. We can part relatively amicably or I can personally wreck your shit for you.
Your choice.
Hard or easy.
Either way, we're finished, once and for all.
Lick my butthole,
SWJ
That right there, brother, is some therapeutic shit. Rock on, man.
Stay strong, bro.
-
My dearest Dip -
You may be wondering where I've been for the last 28 days. I've been doing a lot of thinking I needed some time to myself.
I want you to know that it's over between us. Frankly, I think we're both to blame and there are things that both of us could have done differently, but in the end, we're bad for each other and I need to move on.
When we met, I was head over heels. I literally couldn't get enough of you, and you always seemed to know when I needed you most. You were there for me during my most personal moments and you always knew just what to do. You gave me confidence, you inspired me, and as a result, my every waking moment revolved around when I would be with you next.
I tried to share my feelings about you with a couple of people, but they just didn't seem to understand. They didn't see the wonder in you that I saw and they didn't appreciate you. In fact, they seemed to know things about you that I didn't want to believe, and they talked badly about you, saying that you were no good for me.
But I was devoted.
Then I noticed that practically everyone found you distasteful except me. They tried to split us up and break us apart, but I wouldn't listen to them talk that way about you. I saw the beauty in you and I found everything about you delicious. You satisfied me in every way no one had ever made me feel that way before.
So I stayed committed.
Other girls came on to me and tried to wedge their way between us. My parents didn't appreciate you and my friends thought you were gross. I wasn't allowed to bring you with me to certain places because of other people's intolerance.
So I kept us a secret.
To keep us together, I stopped telling people about you. I went out of my way to keep our relationship a secret, and I lied to practically everyone with whom I came in contact, just so that our relationship could continue. I stopped hanging out with people who said you were no good for me. I stopped going to places that wouldn't allow us to be together in public.
My happiest times were when everyone would leave me alone and we could be alone together.
Then, I began to doubt us.
I began to notice that we weren't progressing. While I was going to greater and greater lengths to be with you, you weren't doing anything new for me. It was always me that was putting forth all the effort and I started to get tired.
When I mentioned this, you laughed at me. When I suggested that we needed a break from each other, you made fun of me. You said that I'd never be able to get rid of you, that I needed you too much, and that I was weak.
And it dawned on me that you didn't really feel for me the way I felt about you. I started to wonder if you were just using me. I'd spent all this time trying to make it so that we could be together and you never really cared at all. You'd been using me from the very beginning, for almost 20 years...
And I started to get pissed.
I changed the locks on the doors while you laughed at me. I packed up all your shit while you made fun of me. I threw out all your pictures while you taunted me, telling me that I'd never be able to get rid of you. I tried to shut you out as best I could.
And it was the hardest thing I'd ever done.
People supported me though. People who knew you were bad for me helped me through. People who knew you gave us something in common. We talked about your cruelty and how much you'd hurt me, as well as how much worse you'd hurt others.
And still you got to me.
I'd see you driving by. I'd think of you at odd hours during the day. Little things would bring you to mind and you'd be right there, waiting, taunting, and beckoning me.
It turns out I was weak and you wore me the fuck down.
I gave you another chance because you said it would be different, or at least that's what I thought you said. As it turns out, it wasn't different at all. At first, it felt so comfortable to have you back, but then the old patterns started again, and you didn't seem to care any more than you did before.
And then I was ashamed of you.
And ashamed of myself
And pissed.
So now, here we are and for the record, partly because I've been nothing but respectful all through our relationship, and partly because you need to hear it this way, I'm going to be frank with you about a couple of things...
First, you're done here. The place I had for you is gone.
Paved over. Condemned. No longer reserved.
You can move the fuck on.
Second, it took me a while, but I've got your fucking number and there's no changing it or hiding it from me.
I know what you are.
Third, guess what. You're the weak one. You thought that you'd be able to break me and you weren't wrong.
But you'd be wrong now.
Fucking with me would be an exercise in futility.
You see, it's over and I'm not sorry about it. We can part relatively amicably or I can personally wreck your shit for you.Â
Your choice.
Hard or easy.
Either way, we're finished, once and for all.
Lick my butthole,
SWJ
That right there, brother, is some therapeutic shit. Rock on, man.
Stay strong, bro.
She was whispering to me just before I read that.
Thanks
-
My dearest Dip -
You may be wondering where I've been for the last 28 days. I've been doing a lot of thinking I needed some time to myself.
I want you to know that it's over between us. Frankly, I think we're both to blame and there are things that both of us could have done differently, but in the end, we're bad for each other and I need to move on.
When we met, I was head over heels. I literally couldn't get enough of you, and you always seemed to know when I needed you most. You were there for me during my most personal moments and you always knew just what to do. You gave me confidence, you inspired me, and as a result, my every waking moment revolved around when I would be with you next.
I tried to share my feelings about you with a couple of people, but they just didn't seem to understand. They didn't see the wonder in you that I saw and they didn't appreciate you. In fact, they seemed to know things about you that I didn't want to believe, and they talked badly about you, saying that you were no good for me.
But I was devoted.
Then I noticed that practically everyone found you distasteful except me. They tried to split us up and break us apart, but I wouldn't listen to them talk that way about you. I saw the beauty in you and I found everything about you delicious. You satisfied me in every way no one had ever made me feel that way before.
So I stayed committed.
Other girls came on to me and tried to wedge their way between us. My parents didn't appreciate you and my friends thought you were gross. I wasn't allowed to bring you with me to certain places because of other people's intolerance.
So I kept us a secret.
To keep us together, I stopped telling people about you. I went out of my way to keep our relationship a secret, and I lied to practically everyone with whom I came in contact, just so that our relationship could continue. I stopped hanging out with people who said you were no good for me. I stopped going to places that wouldn't allow us to be together in public.
My happiest times were when everyone would leave me alone and we could be alone together.
Then, I began to doubt us.
I began to notice that we weren't progressing. While I was going to greater and greater lengths to be with you, you weren't doing anything new for me. It was always me that was putting forth all the effort and I started to get tired.
When I mentioned this, you laughed at me. When I suggested that we needed a break from each other, you made fun of me. You said that I'd never be able to get rid of you, that I needed you too much, and that I was weak.
And it dawned on me that you didn't really feel for me the way I felt about you. I started to wonder if you were just using me.  I'd spent all this time trying to make it so that we could be together and you never really cared at all. You'd been using me from the very beginning, for almost 20 years...
And I started to get pissed.
I changed the locks on the doors while you laughed at me. I packed up all your shit while you made fun of me. I threw out all your pictures while you taunted me, telling me that I'd never be able to get rid of you. I tried to shut you out as best I could.
And it was the hardest thing I'd ever done.
People supported me though. People who knew you were bad for me helped me through. People who knew you gave us something in common. We talked about your cruelty and how much you'd hurt me, as well as how much worse you'd hurt others.
And still you got to me.
I'd see you driving by. I'd think of you at odd hours during the day. Little things would bring you to mind and you'd be right there, waiting, taunting, and beckoning me.
It turns out I was weak and you wore me the fuck down.
I gave you another chance because you said it would be different, or at least that's what I thought you said. As it turns out, it wasn't different at all. At first, it felt so comfortable to have you back, but then the old patterns started again, and you didn't seem to care any more than you did before.
And then I was ashamed of you.
And ashamed of myself
And pissed.
So now, here we are and for the record, partly because I've been nothing but respectful all through our relationship, and partly because you need to hear it this way, I'm going to be frank with you about a couple of things...
First, you're done here. The place I had for you is gone.
Paved over. Condemned. No longer reserved.
You can move the fuck on.
Second, it took me a while, but I've got your fucking number and there's no changing it or hiding it from me.
I know what you are.
Third, guess what. You're the weak one. You thought that you'd be able to break me and you weren't wrong.
But you'd be wrong now.
Fucking with me would be an exercise in futility.
You see, it's over and I'm not sorry about it. We can part relatively amicably or I can personally wreck your shit for you.Â
Your choice.
Hard or easy.
Either way, we're finished, once and for all.
Lick my butthole,
SWJ
That right there, brother, is some therapeutic shit. Rock on, man.
Stay strong, bro.
She was whispering to me just before I read that.
Thanks
Good stuff. You are one long winded SOB.
-
My dearest Dip -
You may be wondering where I've been for the last 28 days. I've been doing a lot of thinking I needed some time to myself.
I want you to know that it's over between us. Frankly, I think we're both to blame and there are things that both of us could have done differently, but in the end, we're bad for each other and I need to move on.
When we met, I was head over heels. I literally couldn't get enough of you, and you always seemed to know when I needed you most. You were there for me during my most personal moments and you always knew just what to do. You gave me confidence, you inspired me, and as a result, my every waking moment revolved around when I would be with you next.
I tried to share my feelings about you with a couple of people, but they just didn't seem to understand. They didn't see the wonder in you that I saw and they didn't appreciate you. In fact, they seemed to know things about you that I didn't want to believe, and they talked badly about you, saying that you were no good for me.
But I was devoted.
Then I noticed that practically everyone found you distasteful except me. They tried to split us up and break us apart, but I wouldn't listen to them talk that way about you. I saw the beauty in you and I found everything about you delicious. You satisfied me in every way no one had ever made me feel that way before.
So I stayed committed.
Other girls came on to me and tried to wedge their way between us. My parents didn't appreciate you and my friends thought you were gross. I wasn't allowed to bring you with me to certain places because of other people's intolerance.
So I kept us a secret.
To keep us together, I stopped telling people about you. I went out of my way to keep our relationship a secret, and I lied to practically everyone with whom I came in contact, just so that our relationship could continue. I stopped hanging out with people who said you were no good for me. I stopped going to places that wouldn't allow us to be together in public.
My happiest times were when everyone would leave me alone and we could be alone together.
Then, I began to doubt us.
I began to notice that we weren't progressing. While I was going to greater and greater lengths to be with you, you weren't doing anything new for me. It was always me that was putting forth all the effort and I started to get tired.
When I mentioned this, you laughed at me. When I suggested that we needed a break from each other, you made fun of me. You said that I'd never be able to get rid of you, that I needed you too much, and that I was weak.
And it dawned on me that you didn't really feel for me the way I felt about you. I started to wonder if you were just using me.  I'd spent all this time trying to make it so that we could be together and you never really cared at all. You'd been using me from the very beginning, for almost 20 years...
And I started to get pissed.
I changed the locks on the doors while you laughed at me. I packed up all your shit while you made fun of me. I threw out all your pictures while you taunted me, telling me that I'd never be able to get rid of you. I tried to shut you out as best I could.
And it was the hardest thing I'd ever done.
People supported me though. People who knew you were bad for me helped me through. People who knew you gave us something in common. We talked about your cruelty and how much you'd hurt me, as well as how much worse you'd hurt others.
And still you got to me.
I'd see you driving by. I'd think of you at odd hours during the day. Little things would bring you to mind and you'd be right there, waiting, taunting, and beckoning me.
It turns out I was weak and you wore me the fuck down.
I gave you another chance because you said it would be different, or at least that's what I thought you said. As it turns out, it wasn't different at all. At first, it felt so comfortable to have you back, but then the old patterns started again, and you didn't seem to care any more than you did before.
And then I was ashamed of you.
And ashamed of myself
And pissed.
So now, here we are and for the record, partly because I've been nothing but respectful all through our relationship, and partly because you need to hear it this way, I'm going to be frank with you about a couple of things...
First, you're done here. The place I had for you is gone.
Paved over. Condemned. No longer reserved.
You can move the fuck on.
Second, it took me a while, but I've got your fucking number and there's no changing it or hiding it from me.
I know what you are.
Third, guess what. You're the weak one. You thought that you'd be able to break me and you weren't wrong.
But you'd be wrong now.
Fucking with me would be an exercise in futility.
You see, it's over and I'm not sorry about it. We can part relatively amicably or I can personally wreck your shit for you.Â
Your choice.
Hard or easy.
Either way, we're finished, once and for all.
Lick my butthole,
SWJ
That right there, brother, is some therapeutic shit. Rock on, man.
Stay strong, bro.
She was whispering to me just before I read that.
Thanks
Good stuff. You are one long winded SOB.
Your the man!!!
Great stuff and very well put!!!
-
My dearest Dip -
You may be wondering where I've been for the last 28 days. I've been doing a lot of thinking I needed some time to myself.
I want you to know that it's over between us. Frankly, I think we're both to blame and there are things that both of us could have done differently, but in the end, we're bad for each other and I need to move on.
When we met, I was head over heels. I literally couldn't get enough of you, and you always seemed to know when I needed you most. You were there for me during my most personal moments and you always knew just what to do. You gave me confidence, you inspired me, and as a result, my every waking moment revolved around when I would be with you next.
I tried to share my feelings about you with a couple of people, but they just didn't seem to understand. They didn't see the wonder in you that I saw and they didn't appreciate you. In fact, they seemed to know things about you that I didn't want to believe, and they talked badly about you, saying that you were no good for me.
But I was devoted.
Then I noticed that practically everyone found you distasteful except me. They tried to split us up and break us apart, but I wouldn't listen to them talk that way about you. I saw the beauty in you and I found everything about you delicious. You satisfied me in every way no one had ever made me feel that way before.
So I stayed committed.
Other girls came on to me and tried to wedge their way between us. My parents didn't appreciate you and my friends thought you were gross. I wasn't allowed to bring you with me to certain places because of other people's intolerance.
So I kept us a secret.
To keep us together, I stopped telling people about you. I went out of my way to keep our relationship a secret, and I lied to practically everyone with whom I came in contact, just so that our relationship could continue. I stopped hanging out with people who said you were no good for me. I stopped going to places that wouldn't allow us to be together in public.
My happiest times were when everyone would leave me alone and we could be alone together.
Then, I began to doubt us.
I began to notice that we weren't progressing. While I was going to greater and greater lengths to be with you, you weren't doing anything new for me. It was always me that was putting forth all the effort and I started to get tired.
When I mentioned this, you laughed at me. When I suggested that we needed a break from each other, you made fun of me. You said that I'd never be able to get rid of you, that I needed you too much, and that I was weak.
And it dawned on me that you didn't really feel for me the way I felt about you. I started to wonder if you were just using me.  I'd spent all this time trying to make it so that we could be together and you never really cared at all. You'd been using me from the very beginning, for almost 20 years...
And I started to get pissed.
I changed the locks on the doors while you laughed at me. I packed up all your shit while you made fun of me. I threw out all your pictures while you taunted me, telling me that I'd never be able to get rid of you. I tried to shut you out as best I could.
And it was the hardest thing I'd ever done.
People supported me though. People who knew you were bad for me helped me through. People who knew you gave us something in common. We talked about your cruelty and how much you'd hurt me, as well as how much worse you'd hurt others.
And still you got to me.
I'd see you driving by. I'd think of you at odd hours during the day. Little things would bring you to mind and you'd be right there, waiting, taunting, and beckoning me.
It turns out I was weak and you wore me the fuck down.
I gave you another chance because you said it would be different, or at least that's what I thought you said. As it turns out, it wasn't different at all. At first, it felt so comfortable to have you back, but then the old patterns started again, and you didn't seem to care any more than you did before.
And then I was ashamed of you.
And ashamed of myself
And pissed.
So now, here we are and for the record, partly because I've been nothing but respectful all through our relationship, and partly because you need to hear it this way, I'm going to be frank with you about a couple of things...
First, you're done here. The place I had for you is gone.
Paved over. Condemned. No longer reserved.
You can move the fuck on.
Second, it took me a while, but I've got your fucking number and there's no changing it or hiding it from me.
I know what you are.
Third, guess what. You're the weak one. You thought that you'd be able to break me and you weren't wrong.
But you'd be wrong now.
Fucking with me would be an exercise in futility.
You see, it's over and I'm not sorry about it. We can part relatively amicably or I can personally wreck your shit for you.Â
Your choice.
Hard or easy.
Either way, we're finished, once and for all.
Lick my butthole,
SWJ
That right there, brother, is some therapeutic shit. Rock on, man.
Stay strong, bro.
She was whispering to me just before I read that.
Thanks
Good stuff. You are one long winded SOB.
Your the man!!!
Great stuff and very well put!!!
You capture the insidiousness of the whore very well. I needed to read this. Thank you.
-
My dearest Dip -
You may be wondering where I've been for the last 28 days. I've been doing a lot of thinking I needed some time to myself.
I want you to know that it's over between us. Frankly, I think we're both to blame and there are things that both of us could have done differently, but in the end, we're bad for each other and I need to move on.
When we met, I was head over heels. I literally couldn't get enough of you, and you always seemed to know when I needed you most. You were there for me during my most personal moments and you always knew just what to do. You gave me confidence, you inspired me, and as a result, my every waking moment revolved around when I would be with you next.
I tried to share my feelings about you with a couple of people, but they just didn't seem to understand. They didn't see the wonder in you that I saw and they didn't appreciate you. In fact, they seemed to know things about you that I didn't want to believe, and they talked badly about you, saying that you were no good for me.
But I was devoted.
Then I noticed that practically everyone found you distasteful except me. They tried to split us up and break us apart, but I wouldn't listen to them talk that way about you. I saw the beauty in you and I found everything about you delicious. You satisfied me in every way no one had ever made me feel that way before.
So I stayed committed.
Other girls came on to me and tried to wedge their way between us. My parents didn't appreciate you and my friends thought you were gross. I wasn't allowed to bring you with me to certain places because of other people's intolerance.
So I kept us a secret.
To keep us together, I stopped telling people about you. I went out of my way to keep our relationship a secret, and I lied to practically everyone with whom I came in contact, just so that our relationship could continue. I stopped hanging out with people who said you were no good for me. I stopped going to places that wouldn't allow us to be together in public.
My happiest times were when everyone would leave me alone and we could be alone together.
Then, I began to doubt us.
I began to notice that we weren't progressing. While I was going to greater and greater lengths to be with you, you weren't doing anything new for me. It was always me that was putting forth all the effort and I started to get tired.
When I mentioned this, you laughed at me. When I suggested that we needed a break from each other, you made fun of me. You said that I'd never be able to get rid of you, that I needed you too much, and that I was weak.
And it dawned on me that you didn't really feel for me the way I felt about you. I started to wonder if you were just using me.  I'd spent all this time trying to make it so that we could be together and you never really cared at all. You'd been using me from the very beginning, for almost 20 years...
And I started to get pissed.
I changed the locks on the doors while you laughed at me. I packed up all your shit while you made fun of me. I threw out all your pictures while you taunted me, telling me that I'd never be able to get rid of you. I tried to shut you out as best I could.
And it was the hardest thing I'd ever done.
People supported me though. People who knew you were bad for me helped me through. People who knew you gave us something in common. We talked about your cruelty and how much you'd hurt me, as well as how much worse you'd hurt others.
And still you got to me.
I'd see you driving by. I'd think of you at odd hours during the day. Little things would bring you to mind and you'd be right there, waiting, taunting, and beckoning me.
It turns out I was weak and you wore me the fuck down.
I gave you another chance because you said it would be different, or at least that's what I thought you said. As it turns out, it wasn't different at all. At first, it felt so comfortable to have you back, but then the old patterns started again, and you didn't seem to care any more than you did before.
And then I was ashamed of you.
And ashamed of myself
And pissed.
So now, here we are and for the record, partly because I've been nothing but respectful all through our relationship, and partly because you need to hear it this way, I'm going to be frank with you about a couple of things...
First, you're done here. The place I had for you is gone.
Paved over. Condemned. No longer reserved.
You can move the fuck on.
Second, it took me a while, but I've got your fucking number and there's no changing it or hiding it from me.
I know what you are.
Third, guess what. You're the weak one. You thought that you'd be able to break me and you weren't wrong.
But you'd be wrong now.
Fucking with me would be an exercise in futility.
You see, it's over and I'm not sorry about it. We can part relatively amicably or I can personally wreck your shit for you.Â
Your choice.
Hard or easy.
Either way, we're finished, once and for all.
Lick my butthole,
SWJ
That right there, brother, is some therapeutic shit. Rock on, man.
Stay strong, bro.
She was whispering to me just before I read that.
Thanks
Good stuff. You are one long winded SOB.
Your the man!!!
Great stuff and very well put!!!
You capture the insidiousness of the whore very well. I needed to read this. Thank you.
Great stuff. Thanks for writing. I am refreshed.
Nic, you are a whore. Fu
-
My dearest Dip -
You may be wondering where I've been for the last 28 days. I've been doing a lot of thinking I needed some time to myself.
I want you to know that it's over between us. Frankly, I think we're both to blame and there are things that both of us could have done differently, but in the end, we're bad for each other and I need to move on.
When we met, I was head over heels. I literally couldn't get enough of you, and you always seemed to know when I needed you most. You were there for me during my most personal moments and you always knew just what to do. You gave me confidence, you inspired me, and as a result, my every waking moment revolved around when I would be with you next.
I tried to share my feelings about you with a couple of people, but they just didn't seem to understand. They didn't see the wonder in you that I saw and they didn't appreciate you. In fact, they seemed to know things about you that I didn't want to believe, and they talked badly about you, saying that you were no good for me.
But I was devoted.
Then I noticed that practically everyone found you distasteful except me. They tried to split us up and break us apart, but I wouldn't listen to them talk that way about you. I saw the beauty in you and I found everything about you delicious. You satisfied me in every way no one had ever made me feel that way before.
So I stayed committed.
Other girls came on to me and tried to wedge their way between us. My parents didn't appreciate you and my friends thought you were gross. I wasn't allowed to bring you with me to certain places because of other people's intolerance.
So I kept us a secret.
To keep us together, I stopped telling people about you. I went out of my way to keep our relationship a secret, and I lied to practically everyone with whom I came in contact, just so that our relationship could continue. I stopped hanging out with people who said you were no good for me. I stopped going to places that wouldn't allow us to be together in public.
My happiest times were when everyone would leave me alone and we could be alone together.
Then, I began to doubt us.
I began to notice that we weren't progressing. While I was going to greater and greater lengths to be with you, you weren't doing anything new for me. It was always me that was putting forth all the effort and I started to get tired.
When I mentioned this, you laughed at me. When I suggested that we needed a break from each other, you made fun of me. You said that I'd never be able to get rid of you, that I needed you too much, and that I was weak.
And it dawned on me that you didn't really feel for me the way I felt about you. I started to wonder if you were just using me.  I'd spent all this time trying to make it so that we could be together and you never really cared at all. You'd been using me from the very beginning, for almost 20 years...
And I started to get pissed.
I changed the locks on the doors while you laughed at me. I packed up all your shit while you made fun of me. I threw out all your pictures while you taunted me, telling me that I'd never be able to get rid of you. I tried to shut you out as best I could.
And it was the hardest thing I'd ever done.
People supported me though. People who knew you were bad for me helped me through. People who knew you gave us something in common. We talked about your cruelty and how much you'd hurt me, as well as how much worse you'd hurt others.
And still you got to me.
I'd see you driving by. I'd think of you at odd hours during the day. Little things would bring you to mind and you'd be right there, waiting, taunting, and beckoning me.
It turns out I was weak and you wore me the fuck down.
I gave you another chance because you said it would be different, or at least that's what I thought you said. As it turns out, it wasn't different at all. At first, it felt so comfortable to have you back, but then the old patterns started again, and you didn't seem to care any more than you did before.
And then I was ashamed of you.
And ashamed of myself
And pissed.
So now, here we are and for the record, partly because I've been nothing but respectful all through our relationship, and partly because you need to hear it this way, I'm going to be frank with you about a couple of things...
First, you're done here. The place I had for you is gone.
Paved over. Condemned. No longer reserved.
You can move the fuck on.
Second, it took me a while, but I've got your fucking number and there's no changing it or hiding it from me.
I know what you are.
Third, guess what. You're the weak one. You thought that you'd be able to break me and you weren't wrong.
But you'd be wrong now.
Fucking with me would be an exercise in futility.
You see, it's over and I'm not sorry about it. We can part relatively amicably or I can personally wreck your shit for you.Â
Your choice.
Hard or easy.
Either way, we're finished, once and for all.
Lick my butthole,
SWJ
That right there, brother, is some therapeutic shit. Rock on, man.
Stay strong, bro.
She was whispering to me just before I read that.
Thanks
Good stuff. You are one long winded SOB.
Your the man!!!
Great stuff and very well put!!!
You capture the insidiousness of the whore very well. I needed to read this. Thank you.
Great stuff. Thanks for writing. I am refreshed.
Nic, you are a whore. Fu
X2
-
My dearest Dip -
You may be wondering where I've been for the last 28 days. I've been doing a lot of thinking I needed some time to myself.
I want you to know that it's over between us. Frankly, I think we're both to blame and there are things that both of us could have done differently, but in the end, we're bad for each other and I need to move on.
When we met, I was head over heels. I literally couldn't get enough of you, and you always seemed to know when I needed you most. You were there for me during my most personal moments and you always knew just what to do. You gave me confidence, you inspired me, and as a result, my every waking moment revolved around when I would be with you next.
I tried to share my feelings about you with a couple of people, but they just didn't seem to understand. They didn't see the wonder in you that I saw and they didn't appreciate you. In fact, they seemed to know things about you that I didn't want to believe, and they talked badly about you, saying that you were no good for me.
But I was devoted.
Then I noticed that practically everyone found you distasteful except me. They tried to split us up and break us apart, but I wouldn't listen to them talk that way about you. I saw the beauty in you and I found everything about you delicious. You satisfied me in every way no one had ever made me feel that way before.
So I stayed committed.
Other girls came on to me and tried to wedge their way between us. My parents didn't appreciate you and my friends thought you were gross. I wasn't allowed to bring you with me to certain places because of other people's intolerance.
So I kept us a secret.
To keep us together, I stopped telling people about you. I went out of my way to keep our relationship a secret, and I lied to practically everyone with whom I came in contact, just so that our relationship could continue. I stopped hanging out with people who said you were no good for me. I stopped going to places that wouldn't allow us to be together in public.
My happiest times were when everyone would leave me alone and we could be alone together.
Then, I began to doubt us.
I began to notice that we weren't progressing. While I was going to greater and greater lengths to be with you, you weren't doing anything new for me. It was always me that was putting forth all the effort and I started to get tired.
When I mentioned this, you laughed at me. When I suggested that we needed a break from each other, you made fun of me. You said that I'd never be able to get rid of you, that I needed you too much, and that I was weak.
And it dawned on me that you didn't really feel for me the way I felt about you. I started to wonder if you were just using me.  I'd spent all this time trying to make it so that we could be together and you never really cared at all. You'd been using me from the very beginning, for almost 20 years...
And I started to get pissed.
I changed the locks on the doors while you laughed at me. I packed up all your shit while you made fun of me. I threw out all your pictures while you taunted me, telling me that I'd never be able to get rid of you. I tried to shut you out as best I could.
And it was the hardest thing I'd ever done.
People supported me though. People who knew you were bad for me helped me through. People who knew you gave us something in common. We talked about your cruelty and how much you'd hurt me, as well as how much worse you'd hurt others.
And still you got to me.
I'd see you driving by. I'd think of you at odd hours during the day. Little things would bring you to mind and you'd be right there, waiting, taunting, and beckoning me.
It turns out I was weak and you wore me the fuck down.
I gave you another chance because you said it would be different, or at least that's what I thought you said. As it turns out, it wasn't different at all. At first, it felt so comfortable to have you back, but then the old patterns started again, and you didn't seem to care any more than you did before.
And then I was ashamed of you.
And ashamed of myself
And pissed.
So now, here we are and for the record, partly because I've been nothing but respectful all through our relationship, and partly because you need to hear it this way, I'm going to be frank with you about a couple of things...
First, you're done here. The place I had for you is gone.
Paved over. Condemned. No longer reserved.
You can move the fuck on.
Second, it took me a while, but I've got your fucking number and there's no changing it or hiding it from me.
I know what you are.
Third, guess what. You're the weak one. You thought that you'd be able to break me and you weren't wrong.
But you'd be wrong now.
Fucking with me would be an exercise in futility.
You see, it's over and I'm not sorry about it. We can part relatively amicably or I can personally wreck your shit for you.Â
Your choice.
Hard or easy.
Either way, we're finished, once and for all.
Lick my butthole,
SWJ
That right there, brother, is some therapeutic shit. Rock on, man.
Stay strong, bro.
She was whispering to me just before I read that.
Thanks
Good stuff. You are one long winded SOB.
Your the man!!!
Great stuff and very well put!!!
You capture the insidiousness of the whore very well. I needed to read this. Thank you.
Great stuff. Thanks for writing. I am refreshed.
Nic, you are a whore. Fu
X2
fukin awesome read man....need to read that at least once a week.
-
My dearest Dip -
You may be wondering where I've been for the last 28 days. I've been doing a lot of thinking I needed some time to myself.
I want you to know that it's over between us. Frankly, I think we're both to blame and there are things that both of us could have done differently, but in the end, we're bad for each other and I need to move on.
When we met, I was head over heels. I literally couldn't get enough of you, and you always seemed to know when I needed you most. You were there for me during my most personal moments and you always knew just what to do. You gave me confidence, you inspired me, and as a result, my every waking moment revolved around when I would be with you next.
I tried to share my feelings about you with a couple of people, but they just didn't seem to understand. They didn't see the wonder in you that I saw and they didn't appreciate you. In fact, they seemed to know things about you that I didn't want to believe, and they talked badly about you, saying that you were no good for me.
But I was devoted.
Then I noticed that practically everyone found you distasteful except me. They tried to split us up and break us apart, but I wouldn't listen to them talk that way about you. I saw the beauty in you and I found everything about you delicious. You satisfied me in every way no one had ever made me feel that way before.
So I stayed committed.
Other girls came on to me and tried to wedge their way between us. My parents didn't appreciate you and my friends thought you were gross. I wasn't allowed to bring you with me to certain places because of other people's intolerance.
So I kept us a secret.
To keep us together, I stopped telling people about you. I went out of my way to keep our relationship a secret, and I lied to practically everyone with whom I came in contact, just so that our relationship could continue. I stopped hanging out with people who said you were no good for me. I stopped going to places that wouldn't allow us to be together in public.
My happiest times were when everyone would leave me alone and we could be alone together.
Then, I began to doubt us.
I began to notice that we weren't progressing. While I was going to greater and greater lengths to be with you, you weren't doing anything new for me. It was always me that was putting forth all the effort and I started to get tired.
When I mentioned this, you laughed at me. When I suggested that we needed a break from each other, you made fun of me. You said that I'd never be able to get rid of you, that I needed you too much, and that I was weak.
And it dawned on me that you didn't really feel for me the way I felt about you. I started to wonder if you were just using me.  I'd spent all this time trying to make it so that we could be together and you never really cared at all. You'd been using me from the very beginning, for almost 20 years...
And I started to get pissed.
I changed the locks on the doors while you laughed at me. I packed up all your shit while you made fun of me. I threw out all your pictures while you taunted me, telling me that I'd never be able to get rid of you. I tried to shut you out as best I could.
And it was the hardest thing I'd ever done.
People supported me though. People who knew you were bad for me helped me through. People who knew you gave us something in common. We talked about your cruelty and how much you'd hurt me, as well as how much worse you'd hurt others.
And still you got to me.
I'd see you driving by. I'd think of you at odd hours during the day. Little things would bring you to mind and you'd be right there, waiting, taunting, and beckoning me.
It turns out I was weak and you wore me the fuck down.
I gave you another chance because you said it would be different, or at least that's what I thought you said. As it turns out, it wasn't different at all. At first, it felt so comfortable to have you back, but then the old patterns started again, and you didn't seem to care any more than you did before.
And then I was ashamed of you.
And ashamed of myself
And pissed.
So now, here we are and for the record, partly because I've been nothing but respectful all through our relationship, and partly because you need to hear it this way, I'm going to be frank with you about a couple of things...
First, you're done here. The place I had for you is gone.
Paved over. Condemned. No longer reserved.
You can move the fuck on.
Second, it took me a while, but I've got your fucking number and there's no changing it or hiding it from me.
I know what you are.
Third, guess what. You're the weak one. You thought that you'd be able to break me and you weren't wrong.
But you'd be wrong now.
Fucking with me would be an exercise in futility.
You see, it's over and I'm not sorry about it. We can part relatively amicably or I can personally wreck your shit for you.Â
Your choice.
Hard or easy.
Either way, we're finished, once and for all.
Lick my butthole,
SWJ
That right there, brother, is some therapeutic shit. Rock on, man.
Stay strong, bro.
She was whispering to me just before I read that.
Thanks
Good stuff. You are one long winded SOB.
Your the man!!!
Great stuff and very well put!!!
You capture the insidiousness of the whore very well. I needed to read this. Thank you.
Great stuff. Thanks for writing. I am refreshed.
Nic, you are a whore. Fu
X2
fukin awesome read man....need to read that at least once a week.
That is fucking genius.
-
My dearest Dip -
You may be wondering where I've been for the last 28 days. I've been doing a lot of thinking I needed some time to myself.
I want you to know that it's over between us. Frankly, I think we're both to blame and there are things that both of us could have done differently, but in the end, we're bad for each other and I need to move on.
When we met, I was head over heels. I literally couldn't get enough of you, and you always seemed to know when I needed you most. You were there for me during my most personal moments and you always knew just what to do. You gave me confidence, you inspired me, and as a result, my every waking moment revolved around when I would be with you next.
I tried to share my feelings about you with a couple of people, but they just didn't seem to understand. They didn't see the wonder in you that I saw and they didn't appreciate you. In fact, they seemed to know things about you that I didn't want to believe, and they talked badly about you, saying that you were no good for me.
But I was devoted.
Then I noticed that practically everyone found you distasteful except me. They tried to split us up and break us apart, but I wouldn't listen to them talk that way about you. I saw the beauty in you and I found everything about you delicious. You satisfied me in every way no one had ever made me feel that way before.
So I stayed committed.
Other girls came on to me and tried to wedge their way between us. My parents didn't appreciate you and my friends thought you were gross. I wasn't allowed to bring you with me to certain places because of other people's intolerance.
So I kept us a secret.
To keep us together, I stopped telling people about you. I went out of my way to keep our relationship a secret, and I lied to practically everyone with whom I came in contact, just so that our relationship could continue. I stopped hanging out with people who said you were no good for me. I stopped going to places that wouldn't allow us to be together in public.
My happiest times were when everyone would leave me alone and we could be alone together.
Then, I began to doubt us.
I began to notice that we weren't progressing. While I was going to greater and greater lengths to be with you, you weren't doing anything new for me. It was always me that was putting forth all the effort and I started to get tired.
When I mentioned this, you laughed at me. When I suggested that we needed a break from each other, you made fun of me. You said that I'd never be able to get rid of you, that I needed you too much, and that I was weak.
And it dawned on me that you didn't really feel for me the way I felt about you. I started to wonder if you were just using me.  I'd spent all this time trying to make it so that we could be together and you never really cared at all. You'd been using me from the very beginning, for almost 20 years...
And I started to get pissed.
I changed the locks on the doors while you laughed at me. I packed up all your shit while you made fun of me. I threw out all your pictures while you taunted me, telling me that I'd never be able to get rid of you. I tried to shut you out as best I could.
And it was the hardest thing I'd ever done.
People supported me though. People who knew you were bad for me helped me through. People who knew you gave us something in common. We talked about your cruelty and how much you'd hurt me, as well as how much worse you'd hurt others.
And still you got to me.
I'd see you driving by. I'd think of you at odd hours during the day. Little things would bring you to mind and you'd be right there, waiting, taunting, and beckoning me.
It turns out I was weak and you wore me the fuck down.
I gave you another chance because you said it would be different, or at least that's what I thought you said. As it turns out, it wasn't different at all. At first, it felt so comfortable to have you back, but then the old patterns started again, and you didn't seem to care any more than you did before.
And then I was ashamed of you.
And ashamed of myself
And pissed.
So now, here we are and for the record, partly because I've been nothing but respectful all through our relationship, and partly because you need to hear it this way, I'm going to be frank with you about a couple of things...
First, you're done here. The place I had for you is gone.
Paved over. Condemned. No longer reserved.
You can move the fuck on.
Second, it took me a while, but I've got your fucking number and there's no changing it or hiding it from me.
I know what you are.
Third, guess what. You're the weak one. You thought that you'd be able to break me and you weren't wrong.
But you'd be wrong now.
Fucking with me would be an exercise in futility.
You see, it's over and I'm not sorry about it. We can part relatively amicably or I can personally wreck your shit for you.Â
Your choice.
Hard or easy.
Either way, we're finished, once and for all.
Lick my butthole,
SWJ
That right there, brother, is some therapeutic shit. Rock on, man.
Stay strong, bro.
She was whispering to me just before I read that.
Thanks
Good stuff. You are one long winded SOB.
Your the man!!!
Great stuff and very well put!!!
You capture the insidiousness of the whore very well. I needed to read this. Thank you.
Great stuff. Thanks for writing. I am refreshed.
Nic, you are a whore. Fu
X2
fukin awesome read man....need to read that at least once a week.
That is fucking genius.
SWJ have i told you lately you're a stone cold fuckin pimp?
-
My dearest Dip -
You may be wondering where I've been for the last 28 days. I've been doing a lot of thinking I needed some time to myself.
I want you to know that it's over between us. Frankly, I think we're both to blame and there are things that both of us could have done differently, but in the end, we're bad for each other and I need to move on.
When we met, I was head over heels. I literally couldn't get enough of you, and you always seemed to know when I needed you most. You were there for me during my most personal moments and you always knew just what to do. You gave me confidence, you inspired me, and as a result, my every waking moment revolved around when I would be with you next.
I tried to share my feelings about you with a couple of people, but they just didn't seem to understand. They didn't see the wonder in you that I saw and they didn't appreciate you. In fact, they seemed to know things about you that I didn't want to believe, and they talked badly about you, saying that you were no good for me.
But I was devoted.
Then I noticed that practically everyone found you distasteful except me. They tried to split us up and break us apart, but I wouldn't listen to them talk that way about you. I saw the beauty in you and I found everything about you delicious. You satisfied me in every way no one had ever made me feel that way before.
So I stayed committed.
Other girls came on to me and tried to wedge their way between us. My parents didn't appreciate you and my friends thought you were gross. I wasn't allowed to bring you with me to certain places because of other people's intolerance.
So I kept us a secret.
To keep us together, I stopped telling people about you. I went out of my way to keep our relationship a secret, and I lied to practically everyone with whom I came in contact, just so that our relationship could continue. I stopped hanging out with people who said you were no good for me. I stopped going to places that wouldn't allow us to be together in public.
My happiest times were when everyone would leave me alone and we could be alone together.
Then, I began to doubt us.
I began to notice that we weren't progressing. While I was going to greater and greater lengths to be with you, you weren't doing anything new for me. It was always me that was putting forth all the effort and I started to get tired.
When I mentioned this, you laughed at me. When I suggested that we needed a break from each other, you made fun of me. You said that I'd never be able to get rid of you, that I needed you too much, and that I was weak.
And it dawned on me that you didn't really feel for me the way I felt about you. I started to wonder if you were just using me.  I'd spent all this time trying to make it so that we could be together and you never really cared at all. You'd been using me from the very beginning, for almost 20 years...
And I started to get pissed.
I changed the locks on the doors while you laughed at me. I packed up all your shit while you made fun of me. I threw out all your pictures while you taunted me, telling me that I'd never be able to get rid of you. I tried to shut you out as best I could.
And it was the hardest thing I'd ever done.
People supported me though. People who knew you were bad for me helped me through. People who knew you gave us something in common. We talked about your cruelty and how much you'd hurt me, as well as how much worse you'd hurt others.
And still you got to me.
I'd see you driving by. I'd think of you at odd hours during the day. Little things would bring you to mind and you'd be right there, waiting, taunting, and beckoning me.
It turns out I was weak and you wore me the fuck down.
I gave you another chance because you said it would be different, or at least that's what I thought you said. As it turns out, it wasn't different at all. At first, it felt so comfortable to have you back, but then the old patterns started again, and you didn't seem to care any more than you did before.
And then I was ashamed of you.
And ashamed of myself
And pissed.
So now, here we are and for the record, partly because I've been nothing but respectful all through our relationship, and partly because you need to hear it this way, I'm going to be frank with you about a couple of things...
First, you're done here. The place I had for you is gone.
Paved over. Condemned. No longer reserved.
You can move the fuck on.
Second, it took me a while, but I've got your fucking number and there's no changing it or hiding it from me.
I know what you are.
Third, guess what. You're the weak one. You thought that you'd be able to break me and you weren't wrong.
But you'd be wrong now.
Fucking with me would be an exercise in futility.
You see, it's over and I'm not sorry about it. We can part relatively amicably or I can personally wreck your shit for you.Â
Your choice.
Hard or easy.
Either way, we're finished, once and for all.
Lick my butthole,
SWJ
That right there, brother, is some therapeutic shit. Rock on, man.
Stay strong, bro.
She was whispering to me just before I read that.
Thanks
Good stuff. You are one long winded SOB.
Your the man!!!
Great stuff and very well put!!!
You capture the insidiousness of the whore very well. I needed to read this. Thank you.
Great stuff. Thanks for writing. I am refreshed.
Nic, you are a whore. Fu
X2
fukin awesome read man....need to read that at least once a week.
That is fucking genius.
SWJ have i told you lately you're a stone cold fuckin pimp?
brilliant dude, just brilliant....
-
My dearest Dip -
You may be wondering where I've been for the last 28 days. I've been doing a lot of thinking I needed some time to myself.
I want you to know that it's over between us. Frankly, I think we're both to blame and there are things that both of us could have done differently, but in the end, we're bad for each other and I need to move on.
When we met, I was head over heels. I literally couldn't get enough of you, and you always seemed to know when I needed you most. You were there for me during my most personal moments and you always knew just what to do. You gave me confidence, you inspired me, and as a result, my every waking moment revolved around when I would be with you next.
I tried to share my feelings about you with a couple of people, but they just didn't seem to understand. They didn't see the wonder in you that I saw and they didn't appreciate you. In fact, they seemed to know things about you that I didn't want to believe, and they talked badly about you, saying that you were no good for me.
But I was devoted.
Then I noticed that practically everyone found you distasteful except me. They tried to split us up and break us apart, but I wouldn't listen to them talk that way about you. I saw the beauty in you and I found everything about you delicious. You satisfied me in every way no one had ever made me feel that way before.
So I stayed committed.
Other girls came on to me and tried to wedge their way between us. My parents didn't appreciate you and my friends thought you were gross. I wasn't allowed to bring you with me to certain places because of other people's intolerance.
So I kept us a secret.
To keep us together, I stopped telling people about you. I went out of my way to keep our relationship a secret, and I lied to practically everyone with whom I came in contact, just so that our relationship could continue. I stopped hanging out with people who said you were no good for me. I stopped going to places that wouldn't allow us to be together in public.
My happiest times were when everyone would leave me alone and we could be alone together.
Then, I began to doubt us.
I began to notice that we weren't progressing. While I was going to greater and greater lengths to be with you, you weren't doing anything new for me. It was always me that was putting forth all the effort and I started to get tired.
When I mentioned this, you laughed at me. When I suggested that we needed a break from each other, you made fun of me. You said that I'd never be able to get rid of you, that I needed you too much, and that I was weak.
And it dawned on me that you didn't really feel for me the way I felt about you. I started to wonder if you were just using me.  I'd spent all this time trying to make it so that we could be together and you never really cared at all. You'd been using me from the very beginning, for almost 20 years...
And I started to get pissed.
I changed the locks on the doors while you laughed at me. I packed up all your shit while you made fun of me. I threw out all your pictures while you taunted me, telling me that I'd never be able to get rid of you. I tried to shut you out as best I could.
And it was the hardest thing I'd ever done.
People supported me though. People who knew you were bad for me helped me through. People who knew you gave us something in common. We talked about your cruelty and how much you'd hurt me, as well as how much worse you'd hurt others.
And still you got to me.
I'd see you driving by. I'd think of you at odd hours during the day. Little things would bring you to mind and you'd be right there, waiting, taunting, and beckoning me.
It turns out I was weak and you wore me the fuck down.
I gave you another chance because you said it would be different, or at least that's what I thought you said. As it turns out, it wasn't different at all. At first, it felt so comfortable to have you back, but then the old patterns started again, and you didn't seem to care any more than you did before.
And then I was ashamed of you.
And ashamed of myself
And pissed.
So now, here we are and for the record, partly because I've been nothing but respectful all through our relationship, and partly because you need to hear it this way, I'm going to be frank with you about a couple of things...
First, you're done here. The place I had for you is gone.
Paved over. Condemned. No longer reserved.
You can move the fuck on.
Second, it took me a while, but I've got your fucking number and there's no changing it or hiding it from me.
I know what you are.
Third, guess what. You're the weak one. You thought that you'd be able to break me and you weren't wrong.
But you'd be wrong now.
Fucking with me would be an exercise in futility.
You see, it's over and I'm not sorry about it. We can part relatively amicably or I can personally wreck your shit for you.Â
Your choice.
Hard or easy.
Either way, we're finished, once and for all.
Lick my butthole,
SWJ
That right there, brother, is some therapeutic shit. Rock on, man.
Stay strong, bro.
She was whispering to me just before I read that.
Thanks
Good stuff. You are one long winded SOB.
Your the man!!!
Great stuff and very well put!!!
You capture the insidiousness of the whore very well. I needed to read this. Thank you.
Great stuff. Thanks for writing. I am refreshed.
Nic, you are a whore. Fu
X2
fukin awesome read man....need to read that at least once a week.
That is fucking genius.
SWJ have i told you lately you're a stone cold fuckin pimp?
Well Done brother. Non addicts would laugh at this and think you were trying to be funny. Your brothers in quit are the only ones who understand the pure truth behind the satire. I mourned my breakup about the same time. If I could have put it into words as well as you it probably wouldn't have taken me so long to fight through it. Proud to be quit with you!
-
My dearest Dip -
You may be wondering where I've been for the last 28 days. I've been doing a lot of thinking I needed some time to myself.
I want you to know that it's over between us. Frankly, I think we're both to blame and there are things that both of us could have done differently, but in the end, we're bad for each other and I need to move on.
When we met, I was head over heels. I literally couldn't get enough of you, and you always seemed to know when I needed you most. You were there for me during my most personal moments and you always knew just what to do. You gave me confidence, you inspired me, and as a result, my every waking moment revolved around when I would be with you next.
I tried to share my feelings about you with a couple of people, but they just didn't seem to understand. They didn't see the wonder in you that I saw and they didn't appreciate you. In fact, they seemed to know things about you that I didn't want to believe, and they talked badly about you, saying that you were no good for me.
But I was devoted.
Then I noticed that practically everyone found you distasteful except me. They tried to split us up and break us apart, but I wouldn't listen to them talk that way about you. I saw the beauty in you and I found everything about you delicious. You satisfied me in every way no one had ever made me feel that way before.
So I stayed committed.
Other girls came on to me and tried to wedge their way between us. My parents didn't appreciate you and my friends thought you were gross. I wasn't allowed to bring you with me to certain places because of other people's intolerance.
So I kept us a secret.
To keep us together, I stopped telling people about you. I went out of my way to keep our relationship a secret, and I lied to practically everyone with whom I came in contact, just so that our relationship could continue. I stopped hanging out with people who said you were no good for me. I stopped going to places that wouldn't allow us to be together in public.
My happiest times were when everyone would leave me alone and we could be alone together.
Then, I began to doubt us.
I began to notice that we weren't progressing. While I was going to greater and greater lengths to be with you, you weren't doing anything new for me. It was always me that was putting forth all the effort and I started to get tired.
When I mentioned this, you laughed at me. When I suggested that we needed a break from each other, you made fun of me. You said that I'd never be able to get rid of you, that I needed you too much, and that I was weak.
And it dawned on me that you didn't really feel for me the way I felt about you. I started to wonder if you were just using me.  I'd spent all this time trying to make it so that we could be together and you never really cared at all. You'd been using me from the very beginning, for almost 20 years...
And I started to get pissed.
I changed the locks on the doors while you laughed at me. I packed up all your shit while you made fun of me. I threw out all your pictures while you taunted me, telling me that I'd never be able to get rid of you. I tried to shut you out as best I could.
And it was the hardest thing I'd ever done.
People supported me though. People who knew you were bad for me helped me through. People who knew you gave us something in common. We talked about your cruelty and how much you'd hurt me, as well as how much worse you'd hurt others.
And still you got to me.
I'd see you driving by. I'd think of you at odd hours during the day. Little things would bring you to mind and you'd be right there, waiting, taunting, and beckoning me.
It turns out I was weak and you wore me the fuck down.
I gave you another chance because you said it would be different, or at least that's what I thought you said. As it turns out, it wasn't different at all. At first, it felt so comfortable to have you back, but then the old patterns started again, and you didn't seem to care any more than you did before.
And then I was ashamed of you.
And ashamed of myself
And pissed.
So now, here we are and for the record, partly because I've been nothing but respectful all through our relationship, and partly because you need to hear it this way, I'm going to be frank with you about a couple of things...
First, you're done here. The place I had for you is gone.
Paved over. Condemned. No longer reserved.
You can move the fuck on.
Second, it took me a while, but I've got your fucking number and there's no changing it or hiding it from me.
I know what you are.
Third, guess what. You're the weak one. You thought that you'd be able to break me and you weren't wrong.
But you'd be wrong now.
Fucking with me would be an exercise in futility.
You see, it's over and I'm not sorry about it. We can part relatively amicably or I can personally wreck your shit for you.Â
Your choice.
Hard or easy.
Either way, we're finished, once and for all.
Lick my butthole,
SWJ
That right there, brother, is some therapeutic shit. Rock on, man.
Stay strong, bro.
She was whispering to me just before I read that.
Thanks
Good stuff. You are one long winded SOB.
Your the man!!!
Great stuff and very well put!!!
You capture the insidiousness of the whore very well. I needed to read this. Thank you.
Great stuff. Thanks for writing. I am refreshed.
Nic, you are a whore. Fu
X2
fukin awesome read man....need to read that at least once a week.
That is fucking genius.
SWJ have i told you lately you're a stone cold fuckin pimp?
Well Done brother. Non addicts would laugh at this and think you were trying to be funny. Your brothers in quit are the only ones who understand the pure truth behind the satire. I mourned my breakup about the same time. If I could have put it into words as well as you it probably wouldn't have taken me so long to fight through it. Proud to be quit with you!
Shit the whore was screwing me at the same time or else she has a identical twin. We know where she is now out seducing some cocky young prick that thinks he's got big enough ball to handle her. Damn I wish there was something we could do to help put her out of business .
-
A Shout-Out To My Posse
Today, I give props to you bitches.
I got rid of the Grizzly but you motherfuckers have made sure she stayed gone.
Because of you, I now spend less time pooping...
Because of you, I don't freak out when my wife asks if she can use my truck...
I don't keep things hidden behind my ball sac anymore...
I have a lot more time to do things other than dip-scheme and you know what I'm talking about.
At times, it sucks and I miss it.
But then I think of Chris, Dean, Ethan, Guy, Jeff, Josh, Justin, Kevin, Lou, Mark, Rose, Russ, Scott, Spring, Terry, and the rest of you penis-wrinkles and I can't cave.
As much as I would have like to yesterday, I just can't do it.
Fuck you very much.
It's nice to have my life back, thanks to you...
-
A Shout-Out To My Posse
Today, I give props to you bitches.
I got rid of the Grizzly but you motherfuckers have made sure she stayed gone.
Because of you, I now spend less time pooping...
Because of you, I don't freak out when my wife asks if she can use my truck...
I don't keep things hidden behind my ball sac anymore...
I have a lot more time to do things other than dip-scheme and you know what I'm talking about.
At times, it sucks and I miss it.
But then I think of Chris, Dean, Ethan, Guy, Jeff, Josh, Justin, Kevin, Lou, Mark, Rose, Russ, Scott, Spring, Terry, and the rest of you penis-wrinkles and I can't cave.
As much as I would have like to yesterday, I just can't do it.
Fuck you very much.
It's nice to have my life back, thanks to you...
Anytime! ;)
-
A Shout-Out To My Posse
Today, I give props to you bitches.
I got rid of the Grizzly but you motherfuckers have made sure she stayed gone.
Because of you, I now spend less time pooping...
Because of you, I don't freak out when my wife asks if she can use my truck...
I don't keep things hidden behind my ball sac anymore...
I have a lot more time to do things other than dip-scheme and you know what I'm talking about.
At times, it sucks and I miss it.
But then I think of Chris, Dean, Ethan, Guy, Jeff, Josh, Justin, Kevin, Lou, Mark, Rose, Russ, Scott, Spring, Terry, and the rest of you penis-wrinkles and I can't cave.
As much as I would have like to yesterday, I just can't do it.
Fuck you very much.
It's nice to have my life back, thanks to you...
Whenever I see you put up a new post. I know it is going to be a must read.
You didn't fail again. Great words and props to your writing ability. You can write in a way that I understand, relate and feel the emotions behind it.
Side note: You're the guy that could smuggle cans behind your ball sac? I know this is weird but if we every have a KTC rally. Can I see your balls? There is no way a can could hide behind mine. I promise it isn't anything sexual. It would be like going to a museum for me. It is all about education.
-
A Shout-Out To My Posse
Today, I give props to you bitches.
I got rid of the Grizzly but you motherfuckers have made sure she stayed gone.
Because of you, I now spend less time pooping...
Because of you, I don't freak out when my wife asks if she can use my truck...
I don't keep things hidden behind my ball sac anymore...
I have a lot more time to do things other than dip-scheme and you know what I'm talking about.
At times, it sucks and I miss it.
But then I think of Chris, Dean, Ethan, Guy, Jeff, Josh, Justin, Kevin, Lou, Mark, Rose, Russ, Scott, Spring, Terry, and the rest of you penis-wrinkles and I can't cave.
As much as I would have like to yesterday, I just can't do it.
Fuck you very much.
It's nice to have my life back, thanks to you...
Dude, back in '09, you had to have been the guy I remember bringing up the can behind the ball-sac...
I know it had to be you, because no one writes that shit but you.
Thanks for the MUCH needed laugh today.
-
A Shout-Out To My Posse
Today, I give props to you bitches.
I got rid of the Grizzly but you motherfuckers have made sure she stayed gone.
Because of you, I now spend less time pooping...
Because of you, I don't freak out when my wife asks if she can use my truck...
I don't keep things hidden behind my ball sac anymore...
I have a lot more time to do things other than dip-scheme and you know what I'm talking about.
At times, it sucks and I miss it.
But then I think of Chris, Dean, Ethan, Guy, Jeff, Josh, Justin, Kevin, Lou, Mark, Rose, Russ, Scott, Spring, Terry, and the rest of you penis-wrinkles and I can't cave.
As much as I would have like to yesterday, I just can't do it.
Fuck you very much.
It's nice to have my life back, thanks to you...
Our pleasure Bro.
-
Dreams
Ok, so my dreams lately have been fucking me up.
All my life, my dreams at night time have always had several things in common:
1. I can fly if I want to.
2. I know kung-fu better than anyone.
3. Chicks dig me.
4. I always win at everything, including saving the entire universe.
5. The bad guys all look like Black Bart (http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-YlpSPi_2nLA/ThXO9t0iT1I/AAAAAAAAVKE/5tJqgw17QeQ/s400/black%2Bbart.jpg) from A Christmas Story
6. I always get invited to Letterman after ruining the shit of Black Bart and his henchmen.
Lately though, every dream has also included dip.
I can't seem to escape the fact that I'm dipping ninja-style in every dream.
Plus, I'm fucking people up with my kung-fu because they noticed and are going to rat me out.
Last night, in my dream, my lunch lady from 6th grade was at my house, peeped me sneaking a pinch and started pointing.
She stood there on the other side of my moat, saying she was going to drop a dime.
So I flew up into the air, came down on the other side of my moat, and started tuning her up.
She was tough too, but I put a popknot on her head you could open a gift shop on.
But then I got nervous that maybe she told.
(Who she told, I don't know...maybe you bitches.)
Anyway, these dream are cramping my style I'm not enjoying them very much.
It's like you might dream of throwing a poke into Kelly Ripa, but in your dream you can't get your top hat off.
It's irritating and doesn't represent your best foot forward.
It's weird, it's bothering me, and I thought that maybe if I got it out there, it would just go away.
I'll let you know.
I figured I would bump this so all the newbies could enjoy the SWJ humor machine!!!
This page is truly one of the best was to fight off a crave or cave....
Enjoy
-
A Shout-Out To My Posse
Today, I give props to you bitches.
I got rid of the Grizzly but you motherfuckers have made sure she stayed gone.
Because of you, I now spend less time pooping...
Because of you, I don't freak out when my wife asks if she can use my truck...
I don't keep things hidden behind my ball sac anymore...
I have a lot more time to do things other than dip-scheme and you know what I'm talking about.
At times, it sucks and I miss it.
But then I think of Chris, Dean, Ethan, Guy, Jeff, Josh, Justin, Kevin, Lou, Mark, Rose, Russ, Scott, Spring, Terry, and the rest of you penis-wrinkles and I can't cave.
As much as I would have like to yesterday, I just can't do it.
Fuck you very much.
It's nice to have my life back, thanks to you...
Dude, back in '09, you had to have been the guy I remember bringing up the can behind the ball-sac...
I know it had to be you, because no one writes that shit but you.
Thanks for the MUCH needed laugh today.
A Shout-Out To My Posse
Today, I give props to you bitches.
I got rid of the Grizzly but you motherfuckers have made sure she stayed gone.
Because of you, I now spend less time pooping...
Because of you, I don't freak out when my wife asks if she can use my truck...
I don't keep things hidden behind my ball sac anymore...
I have a lot more time to do things other than dip-scheme and you know what I'm talking about.
At times, it sucks and I miss it.
But then I think of Chris, Dean, Ethan, Guy, Jeff, Josh, Justin, Kevin, Lou, Mark, Rose, Russ, Scott, Spring, Terry, and the rest of you penis-wrinkles and I can't cave.
As much as I would have like to yesterday, I just can't do it.
Fuck you very much.
It's nice to have my life back, thanks to you...
Dude, back in '09, you had to have been the guy I remember bringing up the can behind the ball-sac...
I know it had to be you, because no one writes that shit but you.
Thanks for the MUCH needed laugh today.
This is some pretty funny shit you guys are posting here today.. for real.. I needed some funny.. I AM IN THE 3RD DAY OF SUCK! actually it only really sucked a few times today..I honestly felt some real freedom today as well.. that was very cool! One thing I've never done is hid dip from my wives or girlfriends? They either could like it or get the fuck off my hoss! Even Mrs Kentucky! No shit I was married for 4 years to 2001 Mrs Kentucky.. I didnt even hid my dipping from her! We didn't make it.. I think she actually thought i was rich I thought she was hot.. Mrs Kentucky with out make up spelled backwards is "BUTTFUCKINGUGLY"..
-
A Shout-Out To My Posse
Today, I give props to you bitches.
I got rid of the Grizzly but you motherfuckers have made sure she stayed gone.
Because of you, I now spend less time pooping...
Because of you, I don't freak out when my wife asks if she can use my truck...
I don't keep things hidden behind my ball sac anymore...
I have a lot more time to do things other than dip-scheme and you know what I'm talking about.
At times, it sucks and I miss it.
But then I think of Chris, Dean, Ethan, Guy, Jeff, Josh, Justin, Kevin, Lou, Mark, Rose, Russ, Scott, Spring, Terry, and the rest of you penis-wrinkles and I can't cave.
As much as I would have like to yesterday, I just can't do it.
Fuck you very much.
It's nice to have my life back, thanks to you...
Dude, back in '09, you had to have been the guy I remember bringing up the can behind the ball-sac...
I know it had to be you, because no one writes that shit but you.
Thanks for the MUCH needed laugh today.
A Shout-Out To My Posse
Today, I give props to you bitches.
I got rid of the Grizzly but you motherfuckers have made sure she stayed gone.
Because of you, I now spend less time pooping...
Because of you, I don't freak out when my wife asks if she can use my truck...
I don't keep things hidden behind my ball sac anymore...
I have a lot more time to do things other than dip-scheme and you know what I'm talking about.
At times, it sucks and I miss it.
But then I think of Chris, Dean, Ethan, Guy, Jeff, Josh, Justin, Kevin, Lou, Mark, Rose, Russ, Scott, Spring, Terry, and the rest of you penis-wrinkles and I can't cave.
As much as I would have like to yesterday, I just can't do it.
Fuck you very much.
It's nice to have my life back, thanks to you...
Dude, back in '09, you had to have been the guy I remember bringing up the can behind the ball-sac...
I know it had to be you, because no one writes that shit but you.
Thanks for the MUCH needed laugh today.
This is some pretty funny shit you guys are posting here today.. for real.. I needed some funny.. I AM IN THE 3RD DAY OF SUCK! actually it only really sucked a few times today..I honestly felt some real freedom today as well.. that was very cool! One thing I've never done is hid dip from my wives or girlfriends? They either could like it or get the fuck off my hoss! Even Mrs Kentucky! No shit I was married for 4 years to 2001 Mrs Kentucky.. I didnt even hid my dipping from her! We didn't make it.. I think she actually thought i was rich I thought she was hot.. Mrs Kentucky with out make up spelled backwards is "BUTTFUCKINGUGLY"..
Dude, it is time for a new SWJ post. I need some shit from the killer FRO man!!
Where the hell has he been?
-
So, a lot of you dudes peeping at this will expect to be laughing uproariously.
You won't be. This shit isn't funny.
I mean, I've got a whole bunch of funny things on my mind to talk about, including:- How Kathleen Turner looks like John Goodman
- Why paper streamers and seatbelts taste like shit
- Why the old dude at the Y insists on putting his underpants on last
And so on.
But for now, I've got to say that these last two days have been the hardest of all the last 100.
I think it might be because my wife and two boys left for Maine the other day.
You see, in the old days when I was dipping, this would have been Prime Grizzly Time.
No one around. I could leave my dip can out on the kitchen counter.
I could walk around the house with a fatty in.
I could make a monster sandwich with a side helping of awesomeness and then immediately throw a dip in afterward.
Fucking awesome.
So now I can't do that anymore and I'm a little pissed. I miss it.
And I was sitting here at my desk thinking about how good it would feel to stop at Cumby's on the way home, buy a tin, go home, and open that shit up...
And I decided it wouldn't feel good at all.
I decided that I'd been there before and I don't remember enjoying being weak.
I didn't enjoy crawling back here.
I needed to stop. I didn't necessarily want to stop.
And in the end, I'm glad I stopped.
Tomorrow is my Day 100. It's my 2nd Day 100 but I own it.
I'm a former dipper.
I simply don't do it anymore.
As it turns out, I'm not weak. I'm a stone killer so bring on the craves.
They won't last as long as I will.
Thanks, dudes.
-
So, a lot of you dudes peeping at this will expect to be laughing uproariously.
You won't be. This shit isn't funny.
I mean, I've got a whole bunch of funny things on my mind to talk about, including:- How Kathleen Turner looks like John Goodman
- Why paper streamers and seatbelts taste like shit
- Why the old dude at the Y insists on putting his underpants on last
And so on.
But for now, I've got to say that these last two days have been the hardest of all the last 100.
I think it might be because my wife and two boys left for Maine the other day.
You see, in the old days when I was dipping, this would have been Prime Grizzly Time.
No one around. I could leave my dip can out on the kitchen counter.
I could walk around the house with a fatty in.
I could make a monster sandwich with a side helping of awesomeness and then immediately throw a dip in afterward.
Fucking awesome.
So now I can't do that anymore and I'm a little pissed. I miss it.
And I was sitting here at my desk thinking about how good it would feel to stop at Cumby's on the way home, buy a tin, go home, and open that shit up...
And I decided it wouldn't feel good at all.
I decided that I'd been there before and I don't remember enjoying being weak.
I didn't enjoy crawling back here.
I needed to stop. I didn't necessarily want to stop.
And in the end, I'm glad I stopped.
Tomorrow is my Day 100. It's my 2nd Day 100 but I own it.
I'm a former dipper.
I simply don't do it anymore.
As it turns out, I'm not weak. I'm a stone killer so bring on the craves.
They won't last as long as I will.
Thanks, dudes.
Great post.
Can't wait for tomorrow.
Kathleen Turner DOES look like John Goodman!
-
So, a lot of you dudes peeping at this will expect to be laughing uproariously.
You won't be. This shit isn't funny.
I mean, I've got a whole bunch of funny things on my mind to talk about, including:- How Kathleen Turner looks like John Goodman
- Why paper streamers and seatbelts taste like shit
- Why the old dude at the Y insists on putting his underpants on last
And so on.
But for now, I've got to say that these last two days have been the hardest of all the last 100.
I think it might be because my wife and two boys left for Maine the other day.
You see, in the old days when I was dipping, this would have been Prime Grizzly Time.
No one around. I could leave my dip can out on the kitchen counter.
I could walk around the house with a fatty in.
I could make a monster sandwich with a side helping of awesomeness and then immediately throw a dip in afterward.
Fucking awesome.
So now I can't do that anymore and I'm a little pissed. I miss it.
And I was sitting here at my desk thinking about how good it would feel to stop at Cumby's on the way home, buy a tin, go home, and open that shit up...
And I decided it wouldn't feel good at all.
I decided that I'd been there before and I don't remember enjoying being weak.
I didn't enjoy crawling back here.
I needed to stop. I didn't necessarily want to stop.
And in the end, I'm glad I stopped.
Tomorrow is my Day 100. It's my 2nd Day 100 but I own it.
I'm a former dipper.
I simply don't do it anymore.
As it turns out, I'm not weak. I'm a stone killer so bring on the craves.
They won't last as long as I will.
Thanks, dudes.
Great post.
Can't wait for tomorrow.
Kathleen Turner DOES look like John Goodman!
Great post brother!
You are a stone quit killer and I am proud to be quit with you and your awesomeness!
-
So, a lot of you dudes peeping at this will expect to be laughing uproariously.
You won't be. This shit isn't funny.
I mean, I've got a whole bunch of funny things on my mind to talk about, including:- How Kathleen Turner looks like John Goodman
- Why paper streamers and seatbelts taste like shit
- Why the old dude at the Y insists on putting his underpants on last
And so on.
But for now, I've got to say that these last two days have been the hardest of all the last 100.
I think it might be because my wife and two boys left for Maine the other day.
You see, in the old days when I was dipping, this would have been Prime Grizzly Time.
No one around. I could leave my dip can out on the kitchen counter.
I could walk around the house with a fatty in.
I could make a monster sandwich with a side helping of awesomeness and then immediately throw a dip in afterward.
Fucking awesome.
So now I can't do that anymore and I'm a little pissed. I miss it.
And I was sitting here at my desk thinking about how good it would feel to stop at Cumby's on the way home, buy a tin, go home, and open that shit up...
And I decided it wouldn't feel good at all.
I decided that I'd been there before and I don't remember enjoying being weak.
I didn't enjoy crawling back here.
I needed to stop. I didn't necessarily want to stop.
And in the end, I'm glad I stopped.
Tomorrow is my Day 100. It's my 2nd Day 100 but I own it.
I'm a former dipper.
I simply don't do it anymore.
As it turns out, I'm not weak. I'm a stone killer so bring on the craves.
They won't last as long as I will.
Thanks, dudes.
Great post.
Can't wait for tomorrow.
Kathleen Turner DOES look like John Goodman!
Great post brother!
You are a stone quit killer and I am proud to be quit with you and your awesomeness!
'clap' 'clap' 'clap'
The Phoenix is rising! Glad to see the Fro man speaking again.
Encore! Give us a show,
What if SWJ decided to run for president, what is his policies and what would America be like with him as the leader of the free world?
'oh yeah' 'oh yeah' 'oh yeah'
Your fans are hungry
-
So, a lot of you dudes peeping at this will expect to be laughing uproariously.
You won't be. This shit isn't funny.
I mean, I've got a whole bunch of funny things on my mind to talk about, including:- How Kathleen Turner looks like John Goodman
- Why paper streamers and seatbelts taste like shit
- Why the old dude at the Y insists on putting his underpants on last
And so on.
But for now, I've got to say that these last two days have been the hardest of all the last 100.
I think it might be because my wife and two boys left for Maine the other day.
You see, in the old days when I was dipping, this would have been Prime Grizzly Time.
No one around. I could leave my dip can out on the kitchen counter.
I could walk around the house with a fatty in.
I could make a monster sandwich with a side helping of awesomeness and then immediately throw a dip in afterward.
Fucking awesome.
So now I can't do that anymore and I'm a little pissed. I miss it.
And I was sitting here at my desk thinking about how good it would feel to stop at Cumby's on the way home, buy a tin, go home, and open that shit up...
And I decided it wouldn't feel good at all.
I decided that I'd been there before and I don't remember enjoying being weak.
I didn't enjoy crawling back here.
I needed to stop. I didn't necessarily want to stop.
And in the end, I'm glad I stopped.
Tomorrow is my Day 100. It's my 2nd Day 100 but I own it.
I'm a former dipper.
I simply don't do it anymore.
As it turns out, I'm not weak. I'm a stone killer so bring on the craves.
They won't last as long as I will.
Thanks, dudes.
Great post.
Can't wait for tomorrow.
Kathleen Turner DOES look like John Goodman!
Great post brother!
You are a stone quit killer and I am proud to be quit with you and your awesomeness!
'clap' 'clap' 'clap'
The Phoenix is rising! Glad to see the Fro man speaking again.
Encore! Give us a show,
What if SWJ decided to run for president, what is his policies and what would America be like with him as the leader of the free world?
'oh yeah' 'oh yeah' 'oh yeah'
Your fans are hungry
'bj'
-
So, a lot of you dudes peeping at this will expect to be laughing uproariously.
You won't be. This shit isn't funny.
I mean, I've got a whole bunch of funny things on my mind to talk about, including:- How Kathleen Turner looks like John Goodman
- Why paper streamers and seatbelts taste like shit
- Why the old dude at the Y insists on putting his underpants on last
And so on.
But for now, I've got to say that these last two days have been the hardest of all the last 100.
I think it might be because my wife and two boys left for Maine the other day.
You see, in the old days when I was dipping, this would have been Prime Grizzly Time.
No one around. I could leave my dip can out on the kitchen counter.
I could walk around the house with a fatty in.
I could make a monster sandwich with a side helping of awesomeness and then immediately throw a dip in afterward.
Fucking awesome.
So now I can't do that anymore and I'm a little pissed. I miss it.
And I was sitting here at my desk thinking about how good it would feel to stop at Cumby's on the way home, buy a tin, go home, and open that shit up...
And I decided it wouldn't feel good at all.
I decided that I'd been there before and I don't remember enjoying being weak.
I didn't enjoy crawling back here.
I needed to stop. I didn't necessarily want to stop.
And in the end, I'm glad I stopped.
Tomorrow is my Day 100. It's my 2nd Day 100 but I own it.
I'm a former dipper.
I simply don't do it anymore.
As it turns out, I'm not weak. I'm a stone killer so bring on the craves.
They won't last as long as I will.
Thanks, dudes.
Great post.
Can't wait for tomorrow.
Kathleen Turner DOES look like John Goodman!
Great post brother!
You are a stone quit killer and I am proud to be quit with you and your awesomeness!
'clap' 'clap' 'clap'
The Phoenix is rising! Glad to see the Fro man speaking again.
Encore! Give us a show,
What if SWJ decided to run for president, what is his policies and what would America be like with him as the leader of the free world?
'oh yeah' 'oh yeah' 'oh yeah'
Your fans are hungry
'bj'
Thank you
-
Keep fighting SWJ!
Posting roll every day keeps me focused.
Rock on Bro!
-
Keep fighting SWJ!
Posting roll every day keeps me focused.
Rock on Bro!
x2
-
You are there SWJ
My day, week and month are complete - megawesome post.
You are a stone – cold – quit killer.
-
Bump for all to enjoy....
Always ready for more random thoughts of awesomeness brother!
-
Bump. Great read.
-
That is awesome! Nice ass beatin' he put on the beast that day.
Did he ever post about K. Turner, The old guy at the Y or seatbelts? That sounded good too.
-
That is awesome! Nice ass beatin' he put on the beast that day.
Did he ever post about K. Turner, The old guy at the Y or seatbelts? That sounded good too.
Over 29,000 views. SWJ, thank you for bringing some joy to some poor bastards quitting the shit.
-
Intro down to page 3.
No log in 5 days.
Where you at mr funnyman?
-
Intro down to page 3.
No log in 5 days.
Where you at mr funnyman?
Where indeed?
-
Intro down to page 3.
No log in 5 days.
Where you at mr funnyman?
Where indeed?
Missed 5 days. Posted roll yesterday. Didnt bother today.
Its OK tho Smokes...June 12 doesnt seem to care. They must be on the once a week plan bro..
Move along. Nothing for you here bro.
-
So, the further up we climb, the less likely we'll need a net?
Fuck that.
We do what works.
I actually feel roll is more important to the post-hof crowd.
shipoopi
-
I'm perplexed did I miss something here? Posting roll is of up most importance I agree and those that fail to post are at risk of caving. Every week we see quitters that slack off and put theirselves at risk but very seldom is this much attention and accusations made of the situation. Even though I'm not a platoon quitter I think they are getting a bumb rap in this thread and the drama dragged into their home.
-
Just so you know, having a sense of humor isn't why I failed the first time.
I'm aware of what caused me to fail the first time and my intention to see this through is as genuine as it can be.
And I'll keep coming here and posting my thoughts.
Clearly because it helps me to do so, and not because you'll find them entertaining.
Simply put, my intention is to stay close. To here. To June.
Previously, as long as I was here...posting roll...staying in touch...I was fine.
I, however, didn't stay. I didn't post. I didn't stay in touch. And I failed.
I know from before that it does get easier I'm looking forward to that.
Between now and then, I plan to recommit every single day and make that commitment public every single day.
By staying here...
Words on a page.
-
Just so you know, having a sense of humor isn't why I failed the first time.
I'm aware of what caused me to fail the first time and my intention to see this through is as genuine as it can be.
And I'll keep coming here and posting my thoughts.
Clearly because it helps me to do so, and not because you'll find them entertaining.
Simply put, my intention is to stay close. To here. To June.
Previously, as long as I was here...posting roll...staying in touch...I was fine.
I, however, didn't stay. I didn't post. I didn't stay in touch. And I failed.
I know from before that it does get easier I'm looking forward to that.
Between now and then, I plan to recommit every single day and make that commitment public every single day.
By staying here...
Words on a page.
But...SWJ is an iceberg...there but not seen.
Fucking Roll Nazis
-
Just so you know, having a sense of humor isn't why I failed the first time.
I'm aware of what caused me to fail the first time and my intention to see this through is as genuine as it can be.
And I'll keep coming here and posting my thoughts.
Clearly because it helps me to do so, and not because you'll find them entertaining.
Simply put, my intention is to stay close. To here. To June.
Previously, as long as I was here...posting roll...staying in touch...I was fine.
I, however, didn't stay. I didn't post. I didn't stay in touch. And I failed.
I know from before that it does get easier I'm looking forward to that.
Between now and then, I plan to recommit every single day and make that commitment public every single day.
By staying here...
Words on a page.
But...SWJ is an iceberg...there but not seen.
Fucking Roll Nazis
Seriously????
This is SWJ's page. He didn't refer to himself as an Icberg and this is way out of context.
I made that reference to say that he is bigger than he appears. His quit support was felt but not a show. I was simply saying to lay off him because he is quit and was a different type of quitter the second go around. Nonetheless, my analogy of him doesn't do him justice.
He doesn't support or stir the pot for show. He is quit and saved me in weak times.
SWJ forgive me for referring to you as an iceberg. I thank you for all your wisdom, effort, kindness, encouragement and entertainment while I got my shit together. I hope I paid you back and paid it forward.
You rock and my phone is always open.
-
Luby 504, most of you know me some, I don't get involved in drama too much but I gots me some shit to say here.
SWJ you got some serious skin in the game here whether you want it or not. You wrote some funny shit, that funny shit helped a lot of people in this community escape the real world or take their minds off the grind of quitting, so a lot of quitters that you don't know from Adam (myself included) have read your work and we get a little invested.
Now you aren't posting squat, barely making roll at all which goes against what your caving ass had to say when you crawled back. That lack of posting has led to some drama on the site and you are habitually silent on a problem you caused, by not living up to the word that is the basis of our community.
You slacking in your quit has led to some tension in this great group of brothers, you need to own your quit, step up and address why posting your promise is no longer a priority and why you don't want to fight side by side with us. You owe this site, we all owe this community, please respect that and step up.
-
Luby 504, most of you know me some, I don't get involved in drama too much but I gots me some shit to say here.
SWJ you got some serious skin in the game here whether you want it or not. You wrote some funny shit, that funny shit helped a lot of people in this community escape the real world or take their minds off the grind of quitting, so a lot of quitters that you don't know from Adam (myself included) have read your work and we get a little invested.
Now you aren't posting squat, barely making roll at all which goes against what your caving ass had to say when you crawled back. That lack of posting has led to some drama on the site and you are habitually silent on a problem you caused, by not living up to the word that is the basis of our community.
You slacking in your quit has led to some tension in this great group of brothers, you need to own your quit, step up and address why posting your promise is no longer a priority and why you don't want to fight side by side with us. You owe this site, we all owe this community, please respect that and step up.
'clap' I approve of this ^^^^message
-
Luby 504, most of you know me some, I don't get involved in drama too much but I gots me some shit to say here.
SWJ you got some serious skin in the game here whether you want it or not. You wrote some funny shit, that funny shit helped a lot of people in this community escape the real world or take their minds off the grind of quitting, so a lot of quitters that you don't know from Adam (myself included) have read your work and we get a little invested.
Now you aren't posting squat, barely making roll at all which goes against what your caving ass had to say when you crawled back. That lack of posting has led to some drama on the site and you are habitually silent on a problem you caused, by not living up to the word that is the basis of our community.
You slacking in your quit has led to some tension in this great group of brothers, you need to own your quit, step up and address why posting your promise is no longer a priority and why you don't want to fight side by side with us. You owe this site, we all owe this community, please respect that and step up.
'clap' I approve of this ^^^^message
Luby.
Perfect!
-
Luby 504, most of you know me some, I don't get involved in drama too much but I gots me some shit to say here.
SWJ you got some serious skin in the game here whether you want it or not. You wrote some funny shit, that funny shit helped a lot of people in this community escape the real world or take their minds off the grind of quitting, so a lot of quitters that you don't know from Adam (myself included) have read your work and we get a little invested.
Now you aren't posting squat, barely making roll at all which goes against what your caving ass had to say when you crawled back. That lack of posting has led to some drama on the site and you are habitually silent on a problem you caused, by not living up to the word that is the basis of our community.
You slacking in your quit has led to some tension in this great group of brothers, you need to own your quit, step up and address why posting your promise is no longer a priority and why you don't want to fight side by side with us. You owe this site, we all owe this community, please respect that and step up.
Crickets
-
Luby 504, most of you know me some, I don't get involved in drama too much but I gots me some shit to say here.
SWJ you got some serious skin in the game here whether you want it or not. You wrote some funny shit, that funny shit helped a lot of people in this community escape the real world or take their minds off the grind of quitting, so a lot of quitters that you don't know from Adam (myself included) have read your work and we get a little invested.
Now you aren't posting squat, barely making roll at all which goes against what your caving ass had to say when you crawled back. That lack of posting has led to some drama on the site and you are habitually silent on a problem you caused, by not living up to the word that is the basis of our community.
You slacking in your quit has led to some tension in this great group of brothers, you need to own your quit, step up and address why posting your promise is no longer a priority and why you don't want to fight side by side with us. You owe this site, we all owe this community, please respect that and step up.
Crickets
Dont hold your breath Luby.
Maybe if we had posed the question in the form of a riddle and given him the opportunity to make a joke about something, he'd have felt the need to take a minute to respond.
Take his silence as a big ol fuck you and move on. He has little accountability to any person or his group.
Nothing to see here bro. Concentrate your efforts on those that will appreciate them, because this one and the few here that stick up for him, certainly dont care.
-
If any of you are having a bad crave day. Take a time out from it read this and see if you don't smile and feel better.Â
SWJ's writing is brilliant!
Air Travel Is Weird
Being a flight attendant has got to be one of the weirdest jobs in the world.
The very first thing that you do each day when you greet a new customer is explain to him how he might get his shit wrecked in midair.
Imagine if waitresses did that.
WAITRESS: Welcome to TGI Friday's, my name is Melanie, and I'll be your server today.
ME: Hey.
WAITRESS: Would you like to hear about what you should do if the roof catches fire and caves in on you while you're eating...?
That would be unsettling.
And it used to be that dudes were not allowed to be flight attendants, because that would have been gay.
Ironically, these days it's still really gay to be a male flight attendant, but it's allowed.
Well I don't like it.
On my flight the other day, my stewardess looked like this. (http://blogs.creativeloafing.com/freshloaf/files/2008/02/web-fall_profile_43.jpg)
(And by the way, the stewardess is the one on the right.)
Do you know how many $4 cans of in-flight Pringles I would buy if my stewardess looked like this (http://www.comicbookmovie.com/images/users/uploads/10300/sophie-howard-air-stewardess.jpg)...?
Plus, they have all these weird rules on airplanes these days.
The last flight I was on, they actually suggested that, if the plane were to catch on fire at 30,000 feet and plummet into the ocean, that I should locate the nearest infant and strap a seat cushion to its back.
For safety.
Let me help you out, bitches.
#1: I don't own an infant.
#2: If you do own one, good for you.
#3: But if our plane goes down, I will dominate your infant to make sure I get out first.
If I had my own airline, it would rule.
Here's what added value I would bring to the airline industry...
1. Crowd Control
I would have bouncers on the plane.
If your shit got out of hand, they would muckle on to you and throw your dumb ass out.
Literally.
And the people behaving themselves would clap and cheer.
2. Customer Incentives
If people wanted, they could get free tickets on my airplanes.
If you can do some awesome in-flight magic tricks that involve fire and sawing things in half...?
Free ticket.
If you're a hot bitch who doesn't mind taking her top off and frolicking around the cabin...?
Free ticket.
Whether it's magic tricks or titties, everybody wins.
3. Cuisine
My planes would fit fewer people because I'd have to leave room for the kitchen.
None of this peanuts and crap like that.
I'd serve pizza, hot wings, Doritos, and stuff like that.
And by the way, why isn't there anyone in the airline industry that recognizes that Doritos are the shizzle...?
4. Gate Service
You know those secret doors in airports that lead to the "Admiral's Club" or some other whacked out club that you're never allowed into...?
Mine would be at the gate and it wouldn't have a door on it.
We'd have kegs and college chicks and loud music and everything.
Those bitches at the adjoining gates would be jealous and would quit their jobs to come party with us.
My airline would dominate.
Anyway, at least until someone can come up with an airline that kicks ass, they could at least raise the standards for ugly, ill-tempered stewardesses...
-
Another masterpiece.Â
Falling Down And Crying Is Gay
I was playing lacrosse the other night.
Our goalie is a big, fat, loud-mouthed douche-bag who sucks.
Now a word or two about sucking at things.
I don't mind if people suck at something. It's moderately acceptable that you're a fag.
Personally, I only suck at things that are gay like sewing and diagnosing yeast infections and shit like that.
But I understand that other people stink at stuff.
Anyway, if you suck at something you should own that shit.
Simply realize that I'm better than you and shut the fuck up.
This guy doesn't follow that rule.
He sucks but spends a lot of time yelling about what other people should be doing.
That makes him an annoying retard who also sucks.
Bad combo.
But at any rate, this fat blob of shit happened to get hit in the chest with a shot, which subsequently fell into his stick.
Then he decided to run.
What the fuck...? I thought.
He lumbered out of the crease like a hippopotamus with Down Syndrome.
And then two dudes converged on him and totally wrecked his shit.
And I mean wrecked.
The dude went down like a tranquilized water buffalo and then started screaming like a bitch.
The way this guy was hollering, I honestly thought that we were going to have to call the medical barge to cart his ass to the hospital.
But then he finally stopped screaming and rolling around, apparently ready to play again.
I considered hurting him myself.
For real.
This is the guy who, when you were a kid playing Smear-The-Queer, would throw the football up in the air to keep you from owning his shit.
I hate dudes like that.
I was the kid who would have ruined him anyway.
You see, if you go down screaming and crying during the course of a game, stay the fuck down.
Even if it turns out that you're not really hurt, you've already played the bitch card and you should continue to lay there.
But for the love of Pete, don't get up.
All you've done is confirmed that you're a pussy.
If I fell down and started crying and then realized that I wasn't really hurt, I'd punch myself in the face while no one was looking.
At least then I'd have something to show for it.
-
Enjoy this one as well.Â
If I Was A Cannibal
I was in line at the Dunkin Donuts drive-through this morning and I saw this dude getting out of his car.
Now let me set this up: This cat probably went 350 if he was a pound. His belt was buckled just underneath his armpits and his ass was halfway up his back.
This fattopotamus could have gotten his wallet out by reaching over his shoulder.
I peeped him leaning on his car, huffing and sweating, before he limped and shuffled inside to get his 28 donuts or whatever.
And, as I watched this walking tragedy I thought to myself...
If I ate people like a lion eats wildebeests, I would definitely take this guy down.
Now everybody's seen a Discovery Channel show where the lion chases down some wild-eyed deeralope.
I would dominate that shit.
Fat, gimpy people pulling in to Burger King would never see me hunkered down behind the bushes.
I'd pass on the fit people who looked like they could run fast.
I'd wait to pick out the small, slow ones or the big fat ones.
They'd saunter across the parking lot and would never even know I was there until I sprang out to chase them.
And then they'd squeal and start to limp around as if I wasn't going to catch them, but I would.
I'd run up behind them and swat them in the ass with my paw, just to let them know that I bring the fucking thunder.
I'd chase them around in circles for a while to tire them out.
Then I'd jump on their backs and haul them to the ground and lay on them while they kicked and squealed.
It would be awesome.
Anyway, as the Dunkin Donuts guy was gasping and schlepping across the parking lot this morning, I was thinking about all of this.
But then the Dunkin Donuts girls saw me and started clapping and giggling and making out with each other, so I chose to get coffee instead.
Lucky for that guy...
-
so... 5000 or so days of quit weighed in on this thread think that SWJ should be held accountable.
A couple of people with personal feelings for him don't, and are running interference for him.
The question is: Which are the true brothers? Which group of people actually care about him more?
We are in the business of helping addicts, not enabling them.
-
so... 5000 or so days of quit weighed in on this thread think that SWJ should be held accountable.
A couple of people with personal feelings for him don't, and are running interference for him.
The question is: Which are the true brothers? Which group of people actually care about him more?
We are in the business of helping addicts, not enabling them.
Amen. One of the key things about this site is accountability. If you don't want it, why are you even here? To be here and not want to be accountable is hypocritical, plain and simple.
-
Luby 504, most of you know me some, I don't get involved in drama too much but I gots me some shit to say here.
SWJ you got some serious skin in the game here whether you want it or not. You wrote some funny shit, that funny shit helped a lot of people in this community escape the real world or take their minds off the grind of quitting, so a lot of quitters that you don't know from Adam (myself included) have read your work and we get a little invested.
Now you aren't posting squat, barely making roll at all which goes against what your caving ass had to say when you crawled back. That lack of posting has led to some drama on the site and you are habitually silent on a problem you caused, by not living up to the word that is the basis of our community.
You slacking in your quit has led to some tension in this great group of brothers, you need to own your quit, step up and address why posting your promise is no longer a priority and why you don't want to fight side by side with us. You owe this site, we all owe this community, please respect that and step up.
Crickets
Dont hold your breath Luby.
Maybe if we had posed the question in the form of a riddle and given him the opportunity to make a joke about something, he'd have felt the need to take a minute to respond.
Take his silence as a big ol fuck you and move on. He has little accountability to any person or his group.
Nothing to see here bro. Concentrate your efforts on those that will appreciate them, because this one and the few here that stick up for him, certainly dont care.
How about:
What exactly should we find funny about your latest bullshit???
Or is this the joke within itself 'winker' ......
-
What in the Happy Horseshit is all this? Why are so many passively attacking Mthomas for SWJ's actions? I get that he is a retread. I get that you all knew him before any of us lesser quits knew him. I read the hurt and worry in your posts. But do not assume that Mthomas doesn't care and isn't worried. You label him an enabler!? Really? FFS!
Quote from another intro...I wish I had better news, I really do... but he has to quit for himself. He has to get to the point that he is not willing to accept failure any more. Until he gets to that point, there is little you or I or anyone here can do to help. All of us here were like him at one time - a slave. All of us had to get to the point that we were thoroughly sick of being slaves before we were able to gain control of our addiction.
Damn fine words there. Solid Quit Gold actually. Very applicable.
Is SWJ or "insert popular retread who still doesnt get it even though they have all the big daddy KTC support"anymore important than any other quitter? Why must you take out your frustration on others? Especially BAMF like mthomas?Fuck me. How about you openly and plainly state how hurt you are. (See Luby or Mthomas for details). Lay the blame at SWJs feet. You all are quick to crucify Mthomas's faults and addictive behavior - however - you are forgetting that we all are addicts. I see the the darkness of addiction in you too. I will gladly offer you a candle and wait out the night with any of you. But you need to realize how dark it is around you first.
It's been 227 days since my HOF. There are brothers in my month that are out there alone by their choice. Accountability is a two way street though. Am I enabling them by not continuing to attempt contact daily?Did I enable by contacting one this week via Facebook even though he doesn't post anymore? What did you greater quits do 6 months post HOF? Am I wrong for expecting someone to take ownership of their quit post HOF quit and stop riding the coat tails of others? I know you don't forget day 1, and I know you sometimes forget your current day necessitating the +1 post, but do you remember days 100-300?
Vadge 327.
From atop a forest of oak trees growing out of an iceberg.
-
What in the Happy Horseshit is all this? Why are so many passively attacking Mthomas for SWJ's actions? I get that he is a retread. I get that you all knew him before any of us lesser quits knew him. I read the hurt and worry in your posts. But do not assume that Mthomas doesn't care and isn't worried. You label him an enabler!? Really? FFS!
Quote from another intro...I wish I had better news, I really do... but he has to quit for himself. He has to get to the point that he is not willing to accept failure any more. Until he gets to that point, there is little you or I or anyone here can do to help. All of us here were like him at one time - a slave. All of us had to get to the point that we were thoroughly sick of being slaves before we were able to gain control of our addiction.
Damn fine words there. Solid Quit Gold actually. Very applicable.
Is SWJ or "insert popular retread who still doesnt get it even though they have all the big daddy KTC support"anymore important than any other quitter? Why must you take out your frustration on others? Especially BAMF like mthomas?Fuck me. How about you openly and plainly state how hurt you are. (See Luby or Mthomas for details). Lay the blame at SWJs feet. You all are quick to crucify Mthomas's faults and addictive behavior - however - you are forgetting that we all are addicts. I see the the darkness of addiction in you too. I will gladly offer you a candle and wait out the night with any of you. But you need to realize how dark it is around you first.
It's been 227 days since my HOF. There are brothers in my month that are out there alone by their choice. Accountability is a two way street though. Am I enabling them by not continuing to attempt contact daily?Did I enable by contacting one this week via Facebook even though he doesn't post anymore? What did you greater quits do 6 months post HOF? Am I wrong for expecting someone to take ownership of their quit post HOF quit and stop riding the coat tails of others? I know you don't forget day 1, and I know you sometimes forget your current day necessitating the +1 post, but do you remember days 100-300?
Vadge 327.
From atop a forest of oak trees growing out of an iceberg.
We tried to call SWJ out.
Mthomas jumped to his aid.
SWJ was silent.
We tried again.
Mthomas again answered for him.
SWJ was silent.
We tried to ask hard questions in SWJ's intro.
SWJ was silent.
Mthomas started to bury the questions by bumping posts.
See the pattern?
-
Why are so many passively attacking Mthomas for SWJ's actions?
You are mistaken.
Funny man is the one, that is being questioned. He must have very thick soles because he seems impervious to his feet being held to the fire.
I guess it shows his true character to stand by and allow someone to take shit for him.
It makes mt look misguided though I know his intentions are good and Sw look like a first class douche, but then again we already knew that about him. He said it himself with his intro title.
-
SWJ,
Glad you got back in here. You have helped me through some intense craves and I feel I need to be honest with you. I have some observations.
Before it really registered, I had asked for a can, paid, walked out to my truck, opened it up, and stuffed a big, glorious wad in my pie-hole.
Bullshit. I hear that a lot from cavers. Like you were in some kind of zombie trance. You had multiple opportunities to not cave. My 0.02? You were tired of being an addict. You thought you finally could be done
. And wanted to prove it.
WTF. Am I going to be posting roll up in here when I'm 65 fucking years old..
I asked the very same thing. The answer? I don't know. Maybe. The only thing I know for certain is that I am quit today. That's it. I will worry about tomorrow, tomorrow.
A good friend of yours said something that I will never forget. "It takes nuts to stay quit. Lots and lots of nuts!" You have showed some baby scrotum getting back in here. We will see if you have nuts or not.
PS - I would change your signature and HOF.
Vadge
So, Vadge, he got nuts or not?
Hiding behind MT. Letting MT take a beating for him. Letting others in his group take a beating for him?
That the nuts you hoped he'd show?
Or is he still sporting his baby scrotum?
MT is just as big a doosh because for all his shit...he STILL can't get out of his own fucking way. The intent of the initial intrusion into June 12 was twofold. 1. Call SWJ on his inconsistent Roll Call after he had asked for the accountability. 2. Call June 12 out for letting him get away with what LOOT perceives as the exact same fucking behavior that cost him his last quit.
So...insteasd of either of these two point actually getting across to either party...one chose to tuck his tail like a little girl and avoid the questions...and the other enabled...yes, enbaled the behavior. Both, should be very ashamed.
Take a few minutes and go back to Page 3 in this intro and read the shit SWJ wrote upon his return. Then, let LOOT know if you think either of the two initial points were invalid. LOOT'll be glad to have a civil discussion about it.
Surely those two points are not lost on you too?
-
IÂ’m brand new here so excuse me for just throwing this out. If it can be done, I suggest this thread be completely deleted or moved. It does not belong here. It is a complete distraction. We have new quitters, spouses of potential quitters and people on the edge of quitting logging in all the time. There is a lot of pain going on and this thread is potentially deterring people from joining KTC or confusing them as to what this site is all about. If we lose one quitter over this garbage it would be a shame.
I donÂ’t have any issue with this SWJ guy whatsoever. I hope like hell heÂ’s still quit and living the dream as I type this. I welcome him to log back in and create a new intro immediately and use it the right way.
-
IÂ’m brand new here so excuse me for just throwing this out. If it can be done, I suggest this thread be completely deleted or moved. It does not belong here. It is a complete distraction. We have new quitters, spouses of potential quitters and people on the edge of quitting logging in all the time. There is a lot of pain going on and this thread is potentially deterring people from joining KTC or confusing them as to what this site is all about. If we lose one quitter over this garbage it would be a shame.
I donÂ’t have any issue with this SWJ guy whatsoever. I hope like hell heÂ’s still quit and living the dream as I type this. I welcome him to log back in and create a new intro immediately and use it the right way.
Thanks for the input. It is possible to delete it, however, it's simply not something we do. We don't delete posts, we don't delete intros.
Instead of looking at the negative, focus on the positive. Which can be hard at times.
There really are people on this board that will care more for your quit than you do. There are people on this board that recognize addict bullshit when they see it, and won't hesitate to call it. There are people who will go out of their way to find you if you disappear.
It's about accountability. Accountability to something bigger than yourself. If you sign up, live up to your end of the bargain because it's guaranteed, others will live up to theirs. It's a two way street bro. Sometimes it gets ugly.
It's the program bro. This intro shows the good...and bad in it all.
-
I’m brand new here so excuse me for just throwing this out. If it can be done, I suggest this thread be completely deleted or moved. It does not belong here. It is a complete distraction. We have new quitters, spouses of potential quitters and people on the edge of quitting logging in all the time. There is a lot of pain going on and this thread is potentially deterring people from joining KTC or confusing them as to what this site is all about. If we lose one quitter over this garbage it would be a shame.
I don’t have any issue with this SWJ guy whatsoever. I hope like hell he’s still quit and living the dream as I type this. I welcome him to log back in and create a new intro immediately and use it the right way.
Thanks for the input. It is possible to delete it, however, it's simply not something we do. We don't delete posts, we don't delete intros.
Instead of looking at the negative, focus on the positive. Which can be hard at times.
There really are people on this board that will care more for your quit than you do. There are people on this board that recognize addict bullshit when they see it, and won't hesitate to call it. There are people who will go out of their way to find you if you disappear.
It's about accountability. Accountability to something bigger than yourself. If you sign up, live up to your end of the bargain because it's guaranteed, others will live up to theirs. It's a two way street bro. Sometimes it gets ugly.
It's the program bro. This intro shows the good...and bad in it all.
Well said Loot, Im impressed. And in the 1st person too.
MOA
I know
"FUMOA"
-
poof
-
Does SWJ have nuts? Honestly? No. He most likely does not have the the sac to stay quit by himself. I saw it then. I see it now. sTooL sees it. MT sees it. I fear SWJ sees it.
However, painting an “E” on MT’s foreskin was over the top. TooL and Smokey dropping an accountability bomb in June was badass. T00L blaming MT for SWJ not posting roll - was anti badass. Only one Platoon member (ATV) stepping up besides Mt was double anti-badass. SWJ’s silence ..... is pathetic. But... HE is responsible for HIS quit. It disturbs me that admins and mods and quadruple digit quitters are so concerned about a lackadaisical 2nd HOF retread when June has many that are gone post HOF. Has L00t tried to find any of them? Has 30? Has Mt? Has Vadge?
916, we all our addicts. For a group of addicts to hold a civilish discussion is exactly what a new quitter needs to witness. We are about authentic accountability. Expressing your opinion honestly is so much better than medicating with a lip full of carcinogen and ignoring your soul.
Vadge 327. Spooning up with some tall ass oak trees for the night.
-
Does SWJ have nuts? Honestly? No. He most likely does not have the the sac to stay quit by himself. I saw it then. I see it now. sTooL sees it. MT sees it. I fear SWJ sees it.
However, painting an “E” on MT’s foreskin was over the top. TooL and Smokey dropping an accountability bomb in June was badass. T00L blaming MT for SWJ not posting roll - was anti badass. Only one Platoon member (ATV) stepping up besides Mt was double anti-badass. SWJ’s silence ..... is pathetic. But... HE is responsible for HIS quit. It disturbs me that admins and mods and quadruple digit quitters are so concerned about a lackadaisical 2nd HOF retread when June has many that are gone post HOF. Has L00t tried to find any of them? Has 30? Has Mt? Has Vadge?
916, we all our addicts. For a group of addicts to hold a civilish discussion is exactly what a new quitter needs to witness. We are about authentic accountability. Expressing your opinion honestly is so much better than medicating with a lip full of carcinogen and ignoring your soul.
Vadge 327. Spooning up with some tall ass oak trees for the night.
ERDVM,
I cannot keep track of every quitter on the site. That is what the concept of a quit group is for. Keeping track of the quitters in June 2012 starts out with the quitters IN june 2012. Doesn't mean it ends there. Also doesn't mean that I don't have the right to notice a particular one missing and find out where he is. why he isnt on roll, and who has tried to keep him accountable.
For the record, this whole thing began because of this post:
LOOT - 2735 Everyday Mr. Funnyman. E-ver-E-Fucking-Day. Daily quit maintenace is the key sunshine. You know exactly what happens when you neglect your quit. Your quit doesn't take a vacation. It doesn't eat fucking turkey. It's doesn't take a siesta. The fucking thing is wide ass awake and ever vigilant...or you fucking lose! Got it? Good. Now drop and give LOOT 25.
At that point atvhero (your other so called badass) told LooT to gtfo. Was that badass?
Then Mthomas gave his thoughts on SWJ skipping roll:
For what it's worth, SWJ has been a good ally in my quit. I can text him anytime and I always get a response. I can't speak for him on posting daily but his involvement on KTC is much like an iceberg. Most of his quit and support not seen but it is there. I know he is here and our phone lines are two way support.
I am not taking any side on this. Just thought it is important to note that my New England clam chowder son of a bitch friend truly has had a positive impact and support to me and KTC. He probably has a poster of Ben Aflec on his wall but mr funny man is not going to post roll daily until he wants to. He is active with the group via text.
The enabling is in the excusing of SWJ's absence on roll. You do realize that posting roll is the cornerstone of accountability here, don't you?
-
Does SWJ have nuts? Honestly? No. He most likely does not have the the sac to stay quit by himself. I saw it then. I see it now. sTooL sees it. MT sees it. I fear SWJ sees it.
However, painting an “E” on MT’s foreskin was over the top. TooL and Smokey dropping an accountability bomb in June was badass. T00L blaming MT for SWJ not posting roll - was anti badass. Only one Platoon member (ATV) stepping up besides Mt was double anti-badass.  SWJ’s silence ..... is pathetic. But... HE is responsible for HIS quit. It disturbs me that admins and mods and quadruple digit quitters are so concerned about a lackadaisical 2nd HOF retread when June has many that are gone post HOF. Has L00t tried to find any of them? Has 30? Has Mt? Has Vadge?
916, we all our addicts. For a group of addicts to hold a civilish discussion is exactly what a new quitter needs to witness. We are about authentic accountability. Expressing your opinion honestly is so much better than medicating with a lip full of carcinogen and ignoring your soul.Â
Vadge 327. Spooning up with some tall ass oak trees for the night.
ERDVM,
I cannot keep track of every quitter on the site. That is what the concept of a quit group is for. Keeping track of the quitters in June 2012 starts out with the quitters IN june 2012. Doesn't mean it ends there. Also doesn't mean that I don't have the right to notice a particular one missing and find out where he is. why he isnt on roll, and who has tried to keep him accountable.
For the record, this whole thing began because of this post:
LOOT - 2735 Everyday Mr. Funnyman. E-ver-E-Fucking-Day. Daily quit maintenace is the key sunshine. You know exactly what happens when you neglect your quit. Your quit doesn't take a vacation. It doesn't eat fucking turkey. It's doesn't take a siesta. The fucking thing is wide ass awake and ever vigilant...or you fucking lose! Got it? Good. Now drop and give LOOT 25.
At that point atvhero (your other so called badass) told LooT to gtfo. Was that badass?
Then Mthomas gave his thoughts on SWJ skipping roll:
For what it's worth, SWJ has been a good ally in my quit. I can text him anytime and I always get a response. I can't speak for him on posting daily but his involvement on KTC is much like an iceberg. Most of his quit and support not seen but it is there. I know he is here and our phone lines are two way support.
I am not taking any side on this. Just thought it is important to note that my New England clam chowder son of a bitch friend truly has had a positive impact and support to me and KTC. He probably has a poster of Ben Aflec on his wall but mr funny man is not going to post roll daily until he wants to. He is active with the group via text.
The enabling is in the excusing of SWJ's absence on roll. You do realize that posting roll is the cornerstone of accountability here, don't you?
PS. LOOT is pretty sure he never blamed MT for SWJ not posting. Bump it if you find it...cause, like being accused of calling MT a cunt...pretty sure it never happened.
Not that it really matters...but you dig deduct LOOT 1 badass for the perceived transgression. :)
-
Does SWJ have nuts? Honestly? No. He most likely does not have the the sac to stay quit by himself. I saw it then. I see it now. sTooL sees it. MT sees it. I fear SWJ sees it.
However, painting an “E” on MT’s foreskin was over the top. TooL and Smokey dropping an accountability bomb in June was badass. T00L blaming MT for SWJ not posting roll - was anti badass. Only one Platoon member (ATV) stepping up besides Mt was double anti-badass.  SWJ’s silence ..... is pathetic. But... HE is responsible for HIS quit. It disturbs me that admins and mods and quadruple digit quitters are so concerned about a lackadaisical 2nd HOF retread when June has many that are gone post HOF. Has L00t tried to find any of them? Has 30? Has Mt? Has Vadge?
916, we all our addicts. For a group of addicts to hold a civilish discussion is exactly what a new quitter needs to witness. We are about authentic accountability. Expressing your opinion honestly is so much better than medicating with a lip full of carcinogen and ignoring your soul.Â
Vadge 327. Spooning up with some tall ass oak trees for the night.
ERDVM,
I cannot keep track of every quitter on the site. That is what the concept of a quit group is for. Keeping track of the quitters in June 2012 starts out with the quitters IN june 2012. Doesn't mean it ends there. Also doesn't mean that I don't have the right to notice a particular one missing and find out where he is. why he isnt on roll, and who has tried to keep him accountable.
For the record, this whole thing began because of this post:
LOOT - 2735 Everyday Mr. Funnyman. E-ver-E-Fucking-Day. Daily quit maintenace is the key sunshine. You know exactly what happens when you neglect your quit. Your quit doesn't take a vacation. It doesn't eat fucking turkey. It's doesn't take a siesta. The fucking thing is wide ass awake and ever vigilant...or you fucking lose! Got it? Good. Now drop and give LOOT 25.
At that point atvhero (your other so called badass) told LooT to gtfo. Was that badass?
Then Mthomas gave his thoughts on SWJ skipping roll:
For what it's worth, SWJ has been a good ally in my quit. I can text him anytime and I always get a response. I can't speak for him on posting daily but his involvement on KTC is much like an iceberg. Most of his quit and support not seen but it is there. I know he is here and our phone lines are two way support.
I am not taking any side on this. Just thought it is important to note that my New England clam chowder son of a bitch friend truly has had a positive impact and support to me and KTC. He probably has a poster of Ben Aflec on his wall but mr funny man is not going to post roll daily until he wants to. He is active with the group via text.
The enabling is in the excusing of SWJ's absence on roll. You do realize that posting roll is the cornerstone of accountability here, don't you?
PS. LOOT is pretty sure he never blamed MT for SWJ not posting. Bump it if you find it...cause, like being accused of calling MT a cunt...pretty sure it never happened.
Not that it really matters...but you dig deduct LOOT 1 badass for the perceived transgression. :)
Shit... When did we go to a system of demerits and brownie points :blink:
-
Does SWJ have nuts? Honestly? No. He most likely does not have the the sac to stay quit by himself. I saw it then. I see it now. sTooL sees it. MT sees it. I fear SWJ sees it.
However, painting an “E” on MT’s foreskin was over the top. TooL and Smokey dropping an accountability bomb in June was badass. T00L blaming MT for SWJ not posting roll - was anti badass. Only one Platoon member (ATV) stepping up besides Mt was double anti-badass.  SWJ’s silence ..... is pathetic. But... HE is responsible for HIS quit. It disturbs me that admins and mods and quadruple digit quitters are so concerned about a lackadaisical 2nd HOF retread when June has many that are gone post HOF. Has L00t tried to find any of them? Has 30? Has Mt? Has Vadge?
916, we all our addicts. For a group of addicts to hold a civilish discussion is exactly what a new quitter needs to witness. We are about authentic accountability. Expressing your opinion honestly is so much better than medicating with a lip full of carcinogen and ignoring your soul.Â
Vadge 327. Spooning up with some tall ass oak trees for the night.
ERDVM,
I cannot keep track of every quitter on the site. That is what the concept of a quit group is for. Keeping track of the quitters in June 2012 starts out with the quitters IN june 2012. Doesn't mean it ends there. Also doesn't mean that I don't have the right to notice a particular one missing and find out where he is. why he isnt on roll, and who has tried to keep him accountable.
For the record, this whole thing began because of this post:
LOOT - 2735 Everyday Mr. Funnyman. E-ver-E-Fucking-Day. Daily quit maintenace is the key sunshine. You know exactly what happens when you neglect your quit. Your quit doesn't take a vacation. It doesn't eat fucking turkey. It's doesn't take a siesta. The fucking thing is wide ass awake and ever vigilant...or you fucking lose! Got it? Good. Now drop and give LOOT 25.
At that point atvhero (your other so called badass) told LooT to gtfo. Was that badass?
Then Mthomas gave his thoughts on SWJ skipping roll:
For what it's worth, SWJ has been a good ally in my quit. I can text him anytime and I always get a response. I can't speak for him on posting daily but his involvement on KTC is much like an iceberg. Most of his quit and support not seen but it is there. I know he is here and our phone lines are two way support.
I am not taking any side on this. Just thought it is important to note that my New England clam chowder son of a bitch friend truly has had a positive impact and support to me and KTC. He probably has a poster of Ben Aflec on his wall but mr funny man is not going to post roll daily until he wants to. He is active with the group via text.
The enabling is in the excusing of SWJ's absence on roll. You do realize that posting roll is the cornerstone of accountability here, don't you?
PS. LOOT is pretty sure he never blamed MT for SWJ not posting. Bump it if you find it...cause, like being accused of calling MT a cunt...pretty sure it never happened.
Not that it really matters...but you dig deduct LOOT 1 badass for the perceived transgression. :)
Shit... When did we go to a system of demerits and brownie points :blink:
Been happening a while. I hear gmann is on double secret probation. Shit, probably wasn't supposed to say anything.
-
Does SWJ have nuts? Honestly? No. He most likely does not have the the sac to stay quit by himself. I saw it then. I see it now. sTooL sees it. MT sees it. I fear SWJ sees it.
However, painting an “E” on MT’s foreskin was over the top. TooL and Smokey dropping an accountability bomb in June was badass. T00L blaming MT for SWJ not posting roll - was anti badass. Only one Platoon member (ATV) stepping up besides Mt was double anti-badass.  SWJ’s silence ..... is pathetic. But... HE is responsible for HIS quit. It disturbs me that admins and mods and quadruple digit quitters are so concerned about a lackadaisical 2nd HOF retread when June has many that are gone post HOF. Has L00t tried to find any of them? Has 30? Has Mt? Has Vadge?
916, we all our addicts. For a group of addicts to hold a civilish discussion is exactly what a new quitter needs to witness. We are about authentic accountability. Expressing your opinion honestly is so much better than medicating with a lip full of carcinogen and ignoring your soul.Â
Vadge 327. Spooning up with some tall ass oak trees for the night.
ERDVM,
I cannot keep track of every quitter on the site. That is what the concept of a quit group is for. Keeping track of the quitters in June 2012 starts out with the quitters IN june 2012. Doesn't mean it ends there. Also doesn't mean that I don't have the right to notice a particular one missing and find out where he is. why he isnt on roll, and who has tried to keep him accountable.
For the record, this whole thing began because of this post:
LOOT - 2735 Everyday Mr. Funnyman. E-ver-E-Fucking-Day. Daily quit maintenace is the key sunshine. You know exactly what happens when you neglect your quit. Your quit doesn't take a vacation. It doesn't eat fucking turkey. It's doesn't take a siesta. The fucking thing is wide ass awake and ever vigilant...or you fucking lose! Got it? Good. Now drop and give LOOT 25.
At that point atvhero (your other so called badass) told LooT to gtfo. Was that badass?
Then Mthomas gave his thoughts on SWJ skipping roll:
For what it's worth, SWJ has been a good ally in my quit. I can text him anytime and I always get a response. I can't speak for him on posting daily but his involvement on KTC is much like an iceberg. Most of his quit and support not seen but it is there. I know he is here and our phone lines are two way support.
I am not taking any side on this. Just thought it is important to note that my New England clam chowder son of a bitch friend truly has had a positive impact and support to me and KTC. He probably has a poster of Ben Aflec on his wall but mr funny man is not going to post roll daily until he wants to. He is active with the group via text.
The enabling is in the excusing of SWJ's absence on roll. You do realize that posting roll is the cornerstone of accountability here, don't you?
PS. LOOT is pretty sure he never blamed MT for SWJ not posting. Bump it if you find it...cause, like being accused of calling MT a cunt...pretty sure it never happened.
Not that it really matters...but you dig deduct LOOT 1 badass for the perceived transgression. :)
Shit... When did we go to a system of demerits and brownie points :blink:
Been happening a while. I hear gmann is on double secret probation. Shit, probably wasn't supposed to say anything.
Sigh....for clarification 30, I said "Only one Platoon member (ATV) stepping up besides Mt was double anti-badass". That was ambiguous and appears to have added salt to this discussion. I should have worded as such "Why only 2 platoon members even bothered to address Tools concern for SWJ is weak. Where are the rest? Do any even care!"
The nature of the dialog points blame a Mt. Maybe not intentionally, but I was not the only one to take notice. But as far as I can see looT never specifically blamed MT.
"1 word. tnuC" was a response by loot in Mts intro. Again, the intent is unclear. Only loot can tell mt his intent there. Smokey calls lOot tnuC, and my name is of the feminine anatomy-so I am biased.
There is very little I have left to add. I don't give demerits Loot. So as this little whirlwind spins around again -we are back to Does SWJ have a big boy scrotum? Will he ever know how many people care about him? Will he ever care about his quit as much as we do?
Vadge.
Sleeping with the baby oaks tonight.
-
I hope that the one thing that shines through this shitstorm is this (http://forum.killthecan.org/index.php?showtopic=120)
refer to the first sentence. read it and re-read it. Live it. Encourage others to do the same.
Peace. shocker
-
Does SWJ have nuts? Honestly? No. He most likely does not have the the sac to stay quit by himself. I saw it then. I see it now. sTooL sees it. MT sees it. I fear SWJ sees it.
However, painting an “E” on MT’s foreskin was over the top. TooL and Smokey dropping an accountability bomb in June was badass. T00L blaming MT for SWJ not posting roll - was anti badass. Only one Platoon member (ATV) stepping up besides Mt was double anti-badass.  SWJ’s silence ..... is pathetic. But... HE is responsible for HIS quit. It disturbs me that admins and mods and quadruple digit quitters are so concerned about a lackadaisical 2nd HOF retread when June has many that are gone post HOF. Has L00t tried to find any of them? Has 30? Has Mt? Has Vadge?
916, we all our addicts. For a group of addicts to hold a civilish discussion is exactly what a new quitter needs to witness. We are about authentic accountability. Expressing your opinion honestly is so much better than medicating with a lip full of carcinogen and ignoring your soul.Â
Vadge 327. Spooning up with some tall ass oak trees for the night.
ERDVM,
I cannot keep track of every quitter on the site. That is what the concept of a quit group is for. Keeping track of the quitters in June 2012 starts out with the quitters IN june 2012. Doesn't mean it ends there. Also doesn't mean that I don't have the right to notice a particular one missing and find out where he is. why he isnt on roll, and who has tried to keep him accountable.
For the record, this whole thing began because of this post:
LOOT - 2735 Everyday Mr. Funnyman. E-ver-E-Fucking-Day. Daily quit maintenace is the key sunshine. You know exactly what happens when you neglect your quit. Your quit doesn't take a vacation. It doesn't eat fucking turkey. It's doesn't take a siesta. The fucking thing is wide ass awake and ever vigilant...or you fucking lose! Got it? Good. Now drop and give LOOT 25.
At that point atvhero (your other so called badass) told LooT to gtfo. Was that badass?
Then Mthomas gave his thoughts on SWJ skipping roll:
For what it's worth, SWJ has been a good ally in my quit. I can text him anytime and I always get a response. I can't speak for him on posting daily but his involvement on KTC is much like an iceberg. Most of his quit and support not seen but it is there. I know he is here and our phone lines are two way support.
I am not taking any side on this. Just thought it is important to note that my New England clam chowder son of a bitch friend truly has had a positive impact and support to me and KTC. He probably has a poster of Ben Aflec on his wall but mr funny man is not going to post roll daily until he wants to. He is active with the group via text.
The enabling is in the excusing of SWJ's absence on roll. You do realize that posting roll is the cornerstone of accountability here, don't you?
PS. LOOT is pretty sure he never blamed MT for SWJ not posting. Bump it if you find it...cause, like being accused of calling MT a cunt...pretty sure it never happened.
Not that it really matters...but you dig deduct LOOT 1 badass for the perceived transgression. :)
Shit... When did we go to a system of demerits and brownie points :blink:
Been happening a while. I hear gmann is on double secret probation. Shit, probably wasn't supposed to say anything.
Sigh....for clarification 30, I said "Only one Platoon member (ATV) stepping up besides Mt was double anti-badass". That was ambiguous and appears to have added salt to this discussion. I should have worded as such "Why only 2 platoon members even bothered to address Tools concern for SWJ is weak. Where are the rest? Do any even care!"
The nature of the dialog points blame a Mt. Maybe not intentionally, but I was not the only one to take notice. But as far as I can see looT never specifically blamed MT.
"1 word. tnuC" was a response by loot in Mts intro. Again, the intent is unclear. Only loot can tell mt his intent there. Smokey calls lOot tnuC, and my name is of the feminine anatomy-so I am biased.
There is very little I have left to add. I don't give demerits Loot. So as this little whirlwind spins around again -we are back to Does SWJ have a big boy scrotum? Will he ever know how many people care about him? Will he ever care about his quit as much as we do?
Vadge.
Sleeping with the baby oaks tonight.
When all you girls are done seeing who has the bigger clit maybe you will realize the silence is deafening!
The fact that a whole bunch of people here seem to care more about SWJ's quit than he does says a lot to me.
As far as deleting posts in intro's lets please not make shit up because it has happened, while possibly justified it did happen. 100% positive of this fact.
Maybe SWJ is being quiet and only contacting one member here because it is easier to deceive one of us than all of us? 'Crazy'
-
Does SWJ have nuts? Honestly? No. He most likely does not have the the sac to stay quit by himself. I saw it then. I see it now. sTooL sees it. MT sees it. I fear SWJ sees it.
However, painting an “E” on MT’s foreskin was over the top. TooL and Smokey dropping an accountability bomb in June was badass. T00L blaming MT for SWJ not posting roll - was anti badass. Only one Platoon member (ATV) stepping up besides Mt was double anti-badass.  SWJ’s silence ..... is pathetic. But... HE is responsible for HIS quit. It disturbs me that admins and mods and quadruple digit quitters are so concerned about a lackadaisical 2nd HOF retread when June has many that are gone post HOF. Has L00t tried to find any of them? Has 30? Has Mt? Has Vadge?
916, we all our addicts. For a group of addicts to hold a civilish discussion is exactly what a new quitter needs to witness. We are about authentic accountability. Expressing your opinion honestly is so much better than medicating with a lip full of carcinogen and ignoring your soul.Â
Vadge 327. Spooning up with some tall ass oak trees for the night.
ERDVM,
I cannot keep track of every quitter on the site. That is what the concept of a quit group is for. Keeping track of the quitters in June 2012 starts out with the quitters IN june 2012. Doesn't mean it ends there. Also doesn't mean that I don't have the right to notice a particular one missing and find out where he is. why he isnt on roll, and who has tried to keep him accountable.
For the record, this whole thing began because of this post:
LOOT - 2735 Everyday Mr. Funnyman. E-ver-E-Fucking-Day. Daily quit maintenace is the key sunshine. You know exactly what happens when you neglect your quit. Your quit doesn't take a vacation. It doesn't eat fucking turkey. It's doesn't take a siesta. The fucking thing is wide ass awake and ever vigilant...or you fucking lose! Got it? Good. Now drop and give LOOT 25.
At that point atvhero (your other so called badass) told LooT to gtfo. Was that badass?
Then Mthomas gave his thoughts on SWJ skipping roll:
For what it's worth, SWJ has been a good ally in my quit. I can text him anytime and I always get a response. I can't speak for him on posting daily but his involvement on KTC is much like an iceberg. Most of his quit and support not seen but it is there. I know he is here and our phone lines are two way support.
I am not taking any side on this. Just thought it is important to note that my New England clam chowder son of a bitch friend truly has had a positive impact and support to me and KTC. He probably has a poster of Ben Aflec on his wall but mr funny man is not going to post roll daily until he wants to. He is active with the group via text.
The enabling is in the excusing of SWJ's absence on roll. You do realize that posting roll is the cornerstone of accountability here, don't you?
PS. LOOT is pretty sure he never blamed MT for SWJ not posting. Bump it if you find it...cause, like being accused of calling MT a cunt...pretty sure it never happened.
Not that it really matters...but you dig deduct LOOT 1 badass for the perceived transgression. :)
Shit... When did we go to a system of demerits and brownie points :blink:
Been happening a while. I hear gmann is on double secret probation. Shit, probably wasn't supposed to say anything.
Sigh....for clarification 30, I said "Only one Platoon member (ATV) stepping up besides Mt was double anti-badass". That was ambiguous and appears to have added salt to this discussion. I should have worded as such "Why only 2 platoon members even bothered to address Tools concern for SWJ is weak. Where are the rest? Do any even care!"
The nature of the dialog points blame a Mt. Maybe not intentionally, but I was not the only one to take notice. But as far as I can see looT never specifically blamed MT.
"1 word. tnuC" was a response by loot in Mts intro. Again, the intent is unclear. Only loot can tell mt his intent there. Smokey calls lOot tnuC, and my name is of the feminine anatomy-so I am biased.
There is very little I have left to add. I don't give demerits Loot. So as this little whirlwind spins around again -we are back to Does SWJ have a big boy scrotum? Will he ever know how many people care about him? Will he ever care about his quit as much as we do?
Vadge.
Sleeping with the baby oaks tonight.
When all you girls are done seeing who has the bigger clit maybe you will realize the silence is deafening!
The fact that a whole bunch of people here seem to care more about SWJ's quit than he does says a lot to me.
As far as deleting posts in intro's lets please not make shit up because it has happened, while possibly justified it did happen. 100% positive of this fact.
Maybe SWJ is being quiet and only contacting one member here because it is easier to deceive one of us than all of us? 'Crazy'
The only things I have ever seen removed from an Intro are at the request of the person who put them up. The rule of not deletng threads is very closely watched and even when requested is discussed and agreed upon before it is done. Let's not make is something it is not.
I agree with you about SWJ's silence. It is more than clear to me others here care more about his quit than he does.
STAY QUIT
Greg
-
Jesus-H-Baldheaded-Christ...
All y'all bitches need to relax.
Actually, I recognize all of this Jerry Springerness for exactly what it is =
A bunch of dudes each making their own attempt to keep other dudes from caving.
Accountability. I get it.
For the record, I'm 267 days quit today and still solid, thanks to me mostly, but also thanks to all of you a-holes.
No, I have not posted every single day and there are various reasons for that, some of which are really awesome reasons and some of which stink.
However, I am still quit.
Yes, I failed once and then came back.
Took a lot of (well deserved) shit for it too.
And, it appears, I continue to take a lot of shit for the manner in which I'm quitting.
That's ok though.
Between texts, phone calls, and posting here though, I've kept my promise this time and I intend to continue to do that every day.
Because of what I do and what's going on with my family, I cannot and will not promise to post here every day or spend as much time here as I once needed to.
That's because I am not interested in breaking any more promises.
I do, however, hold dear the promise to stay quit.
And I've kept that promise to me and to each and every one of you.
I'm not pissed at any of you bitches for "butting in" on our group or ranting and swearing or generally acting like trailer-park dill holes.
That's because I realize that accountability takes many forms.
Sometimes it's a Care Bear hug other times it's a foot in the ass, but either way, I get it.
And I value it.
Know this - My quit is going sweet.
I know it just enough to be proud of myself up to this point, but not so much that I think I have it knocked.
I don't.
But I continue to put daily sleeper holds on this bitch each day, no matter what.
Just like you.
In the meantime, everybody needs to fucking relax...
-
Jesus-H-Baldheaded-Christ...
All y'all bitches need to relax.
Actually, I recognize all of this Jerry Springerness for exactly what it is =
A bunch of dudes each making their own attempt to keep other dudes from caving.
Accountability. I get it.
For the record, I'm 267 days quit today and still solid, thanks to me mostly, but also thanks to all of you a-holes.
No, I have not posted every single day and there are various reasons for that, some of which are really awesome reasons and some of which stink.
However, I am still quit.
Yes, I failed once and then came back.
Took a lot of (well deserved) shit for it too.
And, it appears, I continue to take a lot of shit for the manner in which I'm quitting.
That's ok though.
Between texts, phone calls, and posting here though, I've kept my promise this time and I intend to continue to do that every day.
Because of what I do and what's going on with my family, I cannot and will not promise to post here every day or spend as much time here as I once needed to.
That's because I am not interested in breaking any more promises.
I do, however, hold dear the promise to stay quit.
And I've kept that promise to me and to each and every one of you.
I'm not pissed at any of you bitches for "butting in" on our group or ranting and swearing or generally acting like trailer-park dill holes.
That's because I realize that accountability takes many forms.
Sometimes it's a Care Bear hug other times it's a foot in the ass, but either way, I get it.
And I value it.
Know this - My quit is going sweet.
I know it just enough to be proud of myself up to this point, but not so much that I think I have it knocked.
I don't.
But I continue to put daily sleeper holds on this bitch each day, no matter what.
Just like you.
In the meantime, everybody needs to fucking relax...
Thanks for answering. Like I said before whether you like it or not people are gonna pay attention to you and that may lead to expectations that you don't feel like meeting, that's understandable. I'll never be ok with casual roll posting but you do what works for you. Just know this site is a better place when more people are active and helping.
Quit with you.
-
Jesus-H-Baldheaded-Christ...
All y'all bitches need to relax.
Actually, I recognize all of this Jerry Springerness for exactly what it is =
A bunch of dudes each making their own attempt to keep other dudes from caving.
Accountability. I get it.
For the record, I'm 267 days quit today and still solid, thanks to me mostly, but also thanks to all of you a-holes.
No, I have not posted every single day and there are various reasons for that, some of which are really awesome reasons and some of which stink.
However, I am still quit.
Yes, I failed once and then came back.Â
Took a lot of (well deserved) shit for it too.
And, it appears, I continue to take a lot of shit for the manner in which I'm quitting.
That's ok though.
Between texts, phone calls, and posting here though, I've kept my promise this time and I intend to continue to do that every day.
Because of what I do and what's going on with my family, I cannot and will not promise to post here every day or spend as much time here as I once needed to.
That's because I am not interested in breaking any more promises.
I do, however, hold dear the promise to stay quit.
And I've kept that promise to me and to each and every one of you.
I'm not pissed at any of you bitches for "butting in" on our group or ranting and swearing or generally acting like trailer-park dill holes.
That's because I realize that accountability takes many forms.
Sometimes it's a Care Bear hug other times it's a foot in the ass, but either way, I get it.
And I value it.
Know this - My quit is going sweet.
I know it just enough to be proud of myself up to this point, but not so much that I think I have it knocked.
I don't.
But I continue to put daily sleeper holds on this bitch each day, no matter what.
Just like you.
In the meantime, everybody needs to fucking relax...
Thanks for answering. Like I said before whether you like it or not people are gonna pay attention to you and that may lead to expectations that you don't feel like meeting, that's understandable. I'll never be ok with casual roll posting but you do what works for you. Just know this site is a better place when more people are active and helping.
Quit with you.
Keep kicking nic's ass one day at a time brother!
-
Jesus-H-Baldheaded-Christ...
All y'all bitches need to relax.
Actually, I recognize all of this Jerry Springerness for exactly what it is =
A bunch of dudes each making their own attempt to keep other dudes from caving.
Accountability. I get it.
For the record, I'm 267 days quit today and still solid, thanks to me mostly, but also thanks to all of you a-holes.
No, I have not posted every single day and there are various reasons for that, some of which are really awesome reasons and some of which stink.
However, I am still quit.
Yes, I failed once and then came back.Â
Took a lot of (well deserved) shit for it too.
And, it appears, I continue to take a lot of shit for the manner in which I'm quitting.
That's ok though.
Between texts, phone calls, and posting here though, I've kept my promise this time and I intend to continue to do that every day.
Because of what I do and what's going on with my family, I cannot and will not promise to post here every day or spend as much time here as I once needed to.
That's because I am not interested in breaking any more promises.
I do, however, hold dear the promise to stay quit.
And I've kept that promise to me and to each and every one of you.
I'm not pissed at any of you bitches for "butting in" on our group or ranting and swearing or generally acting like trailer-park dill holes.
That's because I realize that accountability takes many forms.
Sometimes it's a Care Bear hug other times it's a foot in the ass, but either way, I get it.
And I value it.
Know this - My quit is going sweet.
I know it just enough to be proud of myself up to this point, but not so much that I think I have it knocked.
I don't.
But I continue to put daily sleeper holds on this bitch each day, no matter what.
Just like you.
In the meantime, everybody needs to fucking relax...
Thanks for answering. Like I said before whether you like it or not people are gonna pay attention to you and that may lead to expectations that you don't feel like meeting, that's understandable. I'll never be ok with casual roll posting but you do what works for you. Just know this site is a better place when more people are active and helping.
Quit with you.
Keep kicking nic's ass one day at a time brother!
You can quit any way you want.
Just don't let that "I don't want to break any more promises" become "oh, I won't post roll today because if I choose to use I don't want to break that promise".
See you around.
-
Day #102.
I've been reading, over the past few months, lists of all the things people won't miss about dipping or chewing. Lists that contain stuff about spraying dip juice all over the place and spitting into your wife's coffee cup and other crazy shit like that.
You guys are rude.
But there's one thing I haven't seen on any list.Â
Now the disclaimer here is that the distinct possibility exists that the following is a can-hiding method previously unemployed by even the most ninja-fied dipper. It may be shocking as well as disturbing...So if you're a 5-year old, you may want to fuck off.
Simply put, I will not miss hiding my dip can behind my ball sac.
There I said it.
For those of you who reside in warmer climes, you may have noticed the proliferation of short pant wearing dudes. Well, I don't live in warmer climes, but I am one of those dudes.
Many types of shorts, for those of you who are unobservant idiots, do not have pockets.
(Personally, I think shorts with pockets in them are gay.)
Now, if your powers of reading comprehension are anywhere north of retarded, you will have taken from this that I very often wear shorts with no pockets.
Which, of course, leaves a stealthy dipper to ponder the question about where he will hide his dip can.
Well, one of the most unique and ground breaking innovations known to mankind is, of course, the ball sac.
Incredibly versatile, this globular feat of human engineering can be scratched by its owner for spine tingling pleasure.Â
It can be kneaded, like a hairy loaf of bread, which results in a pleasurable feeling, albeit different than from scratching.Â
It has a seam, but no opening.
And on holidays, you can even paint a face on it to make a goulish sac-o-lantern.
Being the rock star that I am, I had added another amazing feature to my sac.
I could hide stuff behind it.
Using the inherent properties of my bag, I found that a can of dip was the perfect size to be hidden behind its bulk. Jammed deftly between the rear bumper of my nads and my gootch, I found that my Grizzly can would allow itself to be safely transported about. My versatile bag hung perfectly about the can, rendering it completely undetectable.
Now if your wife is at all like mine, she is a fan and enthusiastic supporter of your "danger-area".
This is a source of concern for dudes hiding shit behind their balls.
While you are transporting your dip can in the space between berries and gootch, it is vitally important to keep people from groping you. This is to say that, while the ball-notch method is otherwise impervious to detection, if your wife happens to grope you while you are transporting, your shit will be ruined. Game over.
Not to mention that your local health board would probably frown on you putting something in your mouth from a container that you kept in such close proximity to your tailpipe.
Unbelievable.
And don't judge me either, bitches. I never drank my own spit or anything gross like that.
But now that I'm not wedging cans of Grizzly in my crotch pocket, I wonder what a newly rational person could do with all that genital storage space...
Words can not express the sheer awesomness of this post. 'worship'
This is a great confession.
Now, have you come clean with the "lemme bum a dip off you" boys yet?
Them peeps "taint" gonna be real happy.......
That "Area" is a perfect storage site for your "Smokeyg" signed HOF knife and coin- I keep mine in a pocket, but you know if it is a valuable- keep it in a safe place!
We just don't get confessions of this quality in the May '09 group. I am left in awe!!!
Colonel renders a standing ovation
Holy fuck that was funny.
-
Day #102.
I've been reading, over the past few months, lists of all the things people won't miss about dipping or chewing. Lists that contain stuff about spraying dip juice all over the place and spitting into your wife's coffee cup and other crazy shit like that.
You guys are rude.
But there's one thing I haven't seen on any list.Â
Now the disclaimer here is that the distinct possibility exists that the following is a can-hiding method previously unemployed by even the most ninja-fied dipper. It may be shocking as well as disturbing...So if you're a 5-year old, you may want to fuck off.
Simply put, I will not miss hiding my dip can behind my ball sac.
There I said it.
For those of you who reside in warmer climes, you may have noticed the proliferation of short pant wearing dudes. Well, I don't live in warmer climes, but I am one of those dudes.
Many types of shorts, for those of you who are unobservant idiots, do not have pockets.
(Personally, I think shorts with pockets in them are gay.)
Now, if your powers of reading comprehension are anywhere north of retarded, you will have taken from this that I very often wear shorts with no pockets.
Which, of course, leaves a stealthy dipper to ponder the question about where he will hide his dip can.
Well, one of the most unique and ground breaking innovations known to mankind is, of course, the ball sac.
Incredibly versatile, this globular feat of human engineering can be scratched by its owner for spine tingling pleasure.Â
It can be kneaded, like a hairy loaf of bread, which results in a pleasurable feeling, albeit different than from scratching.Â
It has a seam, but no opening.
And on holidays, you can even paint a face on it to make a goulish sac-o-lantern.
Being the rock star that I am, I had added another amazing feature to my sac.
I could hide stuff behind it.
Using the inherent properties of my bag, I found that a can of dip was the perfect size to be hidden behind its bulk. Jammed deftly between the rear bumper of my nads and my gootch, I found that my Grizzly can would allow itself to be safely transported about. My versatile bag hung perfectly about the can, rendering it completely undetectable.
Now if your wife is at all like mine, she is a fan and enthusiastic supporter of your "danger-area".
This is a source of concern for dudes hiding shit behind their balls.
While you are transporting your dip can in the space between berries and gootch, it is vitally important to keep people from groping you. This is to say that, while the ball-notch method is otherwise impervious to detection, if your wife happens to grope you while you are transporting, your shit will be ruined. Game over.
Not to mention that your local health board would probably frown on you putting something in your mouth from a container that you kept in such close proximity to your tailpipe.
Unbelievable.
And don't judge me either, bitches. I never drank my own spit or anything gross like that.
But now that I'm not wedging cans of Grizzly in my crotch pocket, I wonder what a newly rational person could do with all that genital storage space...
Words can not express the sheer awesomness of this post. 'worship'
This is a great confession.
Now, have you come clean with the "lemme bum a dip off you" boys yet?
Them peeps "taint" gonna be real happy.......
That "Area" is a perfect storage site for your "Smokeyg" signed HOF knife and coin- I keep mine in a pocket, but you know if it is a valuable- keep it in a safe place!
We just don't get confessions of this quality in the May '09 group. I am left in awe!!!
Colonel renders a standing ovation
Holy fuck that was funny.
Dude. That's one of many. I think that most are in this intro. I hope he's still quit somewhere.
-
Day #102.
I've been reading, over the past few months, lists of all the things people won't miss about dipping or chewing. Lists that contain stuff about spraying dip juice all over the place and spitting into your wife's coffee cup and other crazy shit like that.
You guys are rude.
But there's one thing I haven't seen on any list.Â
Now the disclaimer here is that the distinct possibility exists that the following is a can-hiding method previously unemployed by even the most ninja-fied dipper. It may be shocking as well as disturbing...So if you're a 5-year old, you may want to fuck off.
Simply put, I will not miss hiding my dip can behind my ball sac.
There I said it.
For those of you who reside in warmer climes, you may have noticed the proliferation of short pant wearing dudes. Well, I don't live in warmer climes, but I am one of those dudes.
Many types of shorts, for those of you who are unobservant idiots, do not have pockets.
(Personally, I think shorts with pockets in them are gay.)
Now, if your powers of reading comprehension are anywhere north of retarded, you will have taken from this that I very often wear shorts with no pockets.
Which, of course, leaves a stealthy dipper to ponder the question about where he will hide his dip can.
Well, one of the most unique and ground breaking innovations known to mankind is, of course, the ball sac.
Incredibly versatile, this globular feat of human engineering can be scratched by its owner for spine tingling pleasure.Â
It can be kneaded, like a hairy loaf of bread, which results in a pleasurable feeling, albeit different than from scratching.Â
It has a seam, but no opening.
And on holidays, you can even paint a face on it to make a goulish sac-o-lantern.
Being the rock star that I am, I had added another amazing feature to my sac.
I could hide stuff behind it.
Using the inherent properties of my bag, I found that a can of dip was the perfect size to be hidden behind its bulk. Jammed deftly between the rear bumper of my nads and my gootch, I found that my Grizzly can would allow itself to be safely transported about. My versatile bag hung perfectly about the can, rendering it completely undetectable.
Now if your wife is at all like mine, she is a fan and enthusiastic supporter of your "danger-area".
This is a source of concern for dudes hiding shit behind their balls.
While you are transporting your dip can in the space between berries and gootch, it is vitally important to keep people from groping you. This is to say that, while the ball-notch method is otherwise impervious to detection, if your wife happens to grope you while you are transporting, your shit will be ruined. Game over.
Not to mention that your local health board would probably frown on you putting something in your mouth from a container that you kept in such close proximity to your tailpipe.
Unbelievable.
And don't judge me either, bitches. I never drank my own spit or anything gross like that.
But now that I'm not wedging cans of Grizzly in my crotch pocket, I wonder what a newly rational person could do with all that genital storage space...
Words can not express the sheer awesomness of this post. 'worship'
This is a great confession.
Now, have you come clean with the "lemme bum a dip off you" boys yet?
Them peeps "taint" gonna be real happy.......
That "Area" is a perfect storage site for your "Smokeyg" signed HOF knife and coin- I keep mine in a pocket, but you know if it is a valuable- keep it in a safe place!
We just don't get confessions of this quality in the May '09 group. I am left in awe!!!
Colonel renders a standing ovation
Holy fuck that was funny.
Dude. That's one of many. I think that most are in this intro. I hope he's still quit somewhere.
A must read, so I am bumping. I have heard of many, many things, but not this. I think I'll start with a 50 cent piece and go from there.
-
Day #102.
I've been reading, over the past few months, lists of all the things people won't miss about dipping or chewing. Lists that contain stuff about spraying dip juice all over the place and spitting into your wife's coffee cup and other crazy shit like that.
You guys are rude.
But there's one thing I haven't seen on any list.Â
Now the disclaimer here is that the distinct possibility exists that the following is a can-hiding method previously unemployed by even the most ninja-fied dipper. It may be shocking as well as disturbing...So if you're a 5-year old, you may want to fuck off.
Simply put, I will not miss hiding my dip can behind my ball sac.
There I said it.
For those of you who reside in warmer climes, you may have noticed the proliferation of short pant wearing dudes. Well, I don't live in warmer climes, but I am one of those dudes.
Many types of shorts, for those of you who are unobservant idiots, do not have pockets.
(Personally, I think shorts with pockets in them are gay.)
Now, if your powers of reading comprehension are anywhere north of retarded, you will have taken from this that I very often wear shorts with no pockets.
Which, of course, leaves a stealthy dipper to ponder the question about where he will hide his dip can.
Well, one of the most unique and ground breaking innovations known to mankind is, of course, the ball sac.
Incredibly versatile, this globular feat of human engineering can be scratched by its owner for spine tingling pleasure.Â
It can be kneaded, like a hairy loaf of bread, which results in a pleasurable feeling, albeit different than from scratching.Â
It has a seam, but no opening.
And on holidays, you can even paint a face on it to make a goulish sac-o-lantern.
Being the rock star that I am, I had added another amazing feature to my sac.
I could hide stuff behind it.
Using the inherent properties of my bag, I found that a can of dip was the perfect size to be hidden behind its bulk. Jammed deftly between the rear bumper of my nads and my gootch, I found that my Grizzly can would allow itself to be safely transported about. My versatile bag hung perfectly about the can, rendering it completely undetectable.
Now if your wife is at all like mine, she is a fan and enthusiastic supporter of your "danger-area".
This is a source of concern for dudes hiding shit behind their balls.
While you are transporting your dip can in the space between berries and gootch, it is vitally important to keep people from groping you. This is to say that, while the ball-notch method is otherwise impervious to detection, if your wife happens to grope you while you are transporting, your shit will be ruined. Game over.
Not to mention that your local health board would probably frown on you putting something in your mouth from a container that you kept in such close proximity to your tailpipe.
Unbelievable.
And don't judge me either, bitches. I never drank my own spit or anything gross like that.
But now that I'm not wedging cans of Grizzly in my crotch pocket, I wonder what a newly rational person could do with all that genital storage space...
Words can not express the sheer awesomness of this post. 'worship'
This is a great confession.
Now, have you come clean with the "lemme bum a dip off you" boys yet?
Them peeps "taint" gonna be real happy.......
That "Area" is a perfect storage site for your "Smokeyg" signed HOF knife and coin- I keep mine in a pocket, but you know if it is a valuable- keep it in a safe place!
We just don't get confessions of this quality in the May '09 group. I am left in awe!!!
Colonel renders a standing ovation
Holy fuck that was funny.
Dude. That's one of many. I think that most are in this intro. I hope he's still quit somewhere.
A must read, so I am bumping. I have heard of many, many things, but not this. I think I'll start with a 50 cent piece and go from there.
bump
-
bumping this up. read every post - comic gold and inspiration.
-
bumping this up. read every post - comic gold and inspiration.
That's truly hilarious, I believe someone posted that in my first week quit. Thanks for posting! You're correct truly golden
-
Bump....because this thread is THAT fucking good.
-
Bump....because this thread is THAT fucking good.
Bumping ... the humor in this thread helped get through some rough stretches in this quit journey ... ENJOY!
-
BUMP this river of quit humor
-
Absolute classic.
-
bump....because this is solid gold.
-
bump....because this is solid gold.
Respectfully rky, this is a solid gold way to show how not to Quit. This guy talked so much shit, disappeared, and came back with his tail 'tween his legs, not behind his ball sack.
I was a huge fan of SWJ. Thought he was above and beyond, but in the end, he's an addict. Just like you and me. Plus, he didn't come here and learn anything, and when he returned, he still wasn't listening. Oh, btw, he's disappeared again. He hasn't logged on in over 4 years. Six bucks and my left nut he's sucking on a cat turd again.
-
Day #102.
I've been reading, over the past few months, lists of all the things people won't miss about dipping or chewing. Lists that contain stuff about spraying dip juice all over the place and spitting into your wife's coffee cup and other crazy shit like that.
You guys are rude.
But there's one thing I haven't seen on any list.Â
Now the disclaimer here is that the distinct possibility exists that the following is a can-hiding method previously unemployed by even the most ninja-fied dipper. It may be shocking as well as disturbing...So if you're a 5-year old, you may want to fuck off.
Simply put, I will not miss hiding my dip can behind my ball sac.
There I said it.
For those of you who reside in warmer climes, you may have noticed the proliferation of short pant wearing dudes. Well, I don't live in warmer climes, but I am one of those dudes.
Many types of shorts, for those of you who are unobservant idiots, do not have pockets.
(Personally, I think shorts with pockets in them are gay.)
Now, if your powers of reading comprehension are anywhere north of retarded, you will have taken from this that I very often wear shorts with no pockets.
Which, of course, leaves a stealthy dipper to ponder the question about where he will hide his dip can.
Well, one of the most unique and ground breaking innovations known to mankind is, of course, the ball sac.
Incredibly versatile, this globular feat of human engineering can be scratched by its owner for spine tingling pleasure.Â
It can be kneaded, like a hairy loaf of bread, which results in a pleasurable feeling, albeit different than from scratching.Â
It has a seam, but no opening.
And on holidays, you can even paint a face on it to make a goulish sac-o-lantern.
Being the rock star that I am, I had added another amazing feature to my sac.
I could hide stuff behind it.
Using the inherent properties of my bag, I found that a can of dip was the perfect size to be hidden behind its bulk. Jammed deftly between the rear bumper of my nads and my gootch, I found that my Grizzly can would allow itself to be safely transported about. My versatile bag hung perfectly about the can, rendering it completely undetectable.
Now if your wife is at all like mine, she is a fan and enthusiastic supporter of your "danger-area".
This is a source of concern for dudes hiding shit behind their balls.
While you are transporting your dip can in the space between berries and gootch, it is vitally important to keep people from groping you. This is to say that, while the ball-notch method is otherwise impervious to detection, if your wife happens to grope you while you are transporting, your shit will be ruined. Game over.
Not to mention that your local health board would probably frown on you putting something in your mouth from a container that you kept in such close proximity to your tailpipe.
Unbelievable.
And don't judge me either, bitches. I never drank my own spit or anything gross like that.
But now that I'm not wedging cans of Grizzly in my crotch pocket, I wonder what a newly rational person could do with all that genital storage space...
Words can not express the sheer awesomness of this post. 'worship'
This is a great confession.
Now, have you come clean with the "lemme bum a dip off you" boys yet?
Them peeps "taint" gonna be real happy.......
That "Area" is a perfect storage site for your "Smokeyg" signed HOF knife and coin- I keep mine in a pocket, but you know if it is a valuable- keep it in a safe place!
We just don't get confessions of this quality in the May '09 group. I am left in awe!!!
Colonel renders a standing ovation
Holy fuck that was funny.
Dude. That's one of many. I think that most are in this intro. I hope he's still quit somewhere.
A must read, so I am bumping. I have heard of many, many things, but not this. I think I'll start with a 50 cent piece and go from there.
bump
Not sure how I found this post but wow... Bumping lol
-
Day #102.
I've been reading, over the past few months, lists of all the things people won't miss about dipping or chewing. Lists that contain stuff about spraying dip juice all over the place and spitting into your wife's coffee cup and other crazy shit like that.
You guys are rude.
But there's one thing I haven't seen on any list.Â
Now the disclaimer here is that the distinct possibility exists that the following is a can-hiding method previously unemployed by even the most ninja-fied dipper. It may be shocking as well as disturbing...So if you're a 5-year old, you may want to fuck off.
Simply put, I will not miss hiding my dip can behind my ball sac.
There I said it.
For those of you who reside in warmer climes, you may have noticed the proliferation of short pant wearing dudes. Well, I don't live in warmer climes, but I am one of those dudes.
Many types of shorts, for those of you who are unobservant idiots, do not have pockets.
(Personally, I think shorts with pockets in them are gay.)
Now, if your powers of reading comprehension are anywhere north of retarded, you will have taken from this that I very often wear shorts with no pockets.
Which, of course, leaves a stealthy dipper to ponder the question about where he will hide his dip can.
Well, one of the most unique and ground breaking innovations known to mankind is, of course, the ball sac.
Incredibly versatile, this globular feat of human engineering can be scratched by its owner for spine tingling pleasure.Â
It can be kneaded, like a hairy loaf of bread, which results in a pleasurable feeling, albeit different than from scratching.Â
It has a seam, but no opening.
And on holidays, you can even paint a face on it to make a goulish sac-o-lantern.
Being the rock star that I am, I had added another amazing feature to my sac.
I could hide stuff behind it.
Using the inherent properties of my bag, I found that a can of dip was the perfect size to be hidden behind its bulk. Jammed deftly between the rear bumper of my nads and my gootch, I found that my Grizzly can would allow itself to be safely transported about. My versatile bag hung perfectly about the can, rendering it completely undetectable.
Now if your wife is at all like mine, she is a fan and enthusiastic supporter of your "danger-area".
This is a source of concern for dudes hiding shit behind their balls.
While you are transporting your dip can in the space between berries and gootch, it is vitally important to keep people from groping you. This is to say that, while the ball-notch method is otherwise impervious to detection, if your wife happens to grope you while you are transporting, your shit will be ruined. Game over.
Not to mention that your local health board would probably frown on you putting something in your mouth from a container that you kept in such close proximity to your tailpipe.
Unbelievable.
And don't judge me either, bitches. I never drank my own spit or anything gross like that.
But now that I'm not wedging cans of Grizzly in my crotch pocket, I wonder what a newly rational person could do with all that genital storage space...
Words can not express the sheer awesomness of this post. 'worship'
This is a great confession.
Now, have you come clean with the "lemme bum a dip off you" boys yet?
Them peeps "taint" gonna be real happy.......
That "Area" is a perfect storage site for your "Smokeyg" signed HOF knife and coin- I keep mine in a pocket, but you know if it is a valuable- keep it in a safe place!
We just don't get confessions of this quality in the May '09 group. I am left in awe!!!
Colonel renders a standing ovation
Holy fuck that was funny.
Dude. That's one of many. I think that most are in this intro. I hope he's still quit somewhere.
A must read, so I am bumping. I have heard of many, many things, but not this. I think I'll start with a 50 cent piece and go from there.
bump
Not sure how I found this post but wow... Bumping lol
I've been on this site for 4 years and this was the first time I saw this. I'm over here in sheer amazement and awe. :o