So I have made it to my 53rd day of my quit. I wanted to update this introduction thread to make notes on what I have experienced so far to serve as a reminder as to why I choose to quit each and every morning.
Days 1-7 are a blur. I felt like absolute shit, was extremely irritable with anyone who was “close” to me. I keenly remember that I had A LOT of trouble driving to and from work. I never knew besides when you’re dead tired, that withdrawal from Nicotine could make you feel like you were driving drunk! (Only ever drive drunk once, when I was 18, thank god it was back country roads and only 3 miles, swore back then to never get behind the wheel if I had been drinking 13 years so far I have kept that promise) It actually got so dangerous that I started dreading the drive. That is until I started to bring sunflower seeds and a nice cup of coffee along with me. Slowly but surely by day 7 I was feeling much better and much more confident about my quit. Somewhere inside these first 7 days I reached out and made contact with Cane91. It was very nice to talk to someone who was on the same quit day, and was going through a lot of the same symptoms that I was. We remain in contact to this day. Cane if you’re reading this, thanks brother for the support thus far, it’s never easy, but it eases my mind to know that I am not alone.
Days 8-42 were really not that bad for me. Once I made the decision to quit, and got through that first week I was moving along just fine. I woke up each morning, posted roll, and went about my business. In all honesty if dip crossed my mind on most days it only occurred any time I was on here either posting roll, or reading introduction threads. I used to find that strange that once you get over obsessing about the next time you can level off you nicotine level, how infrequently the thought passes through your mind. Then just as quick as you can write that off, out of no where you either are on KTC reading about another brother or sister who is a closet dipper, and is either quit with me, or is thinking about quit (making excuses for not quitting), and all of the sudden you start thinking about that Grizzly or if you are feeling like you need a little more, that Cope Long cut. Strange, but MANAGEABLE, just as long as you remain committed to your quit brothers and sisters, and most importantly to yourself. This is my quit, no one elseÂ’s and I am in control of my own urges, nobody else. This is when I really came to embrace the magic of this website and fully bought off on the fact that I am a quitter!
One note for myself during this time: Remember Matt that there were plenty of moments when you got up from your desk to use the restroom, you looked at yourself in the mirror and said, “Damn I am bored, and I sure am tired” and as you walked out of the bathroom you thought to yourself, “No big deal, I will just pop in a pinch wake up a bit and ride the rest of this day out”. And you were OK with that thought; that is until you got back to your desk, sat down and clearly thought about this. How many days did you say, “What the hell were you thinking, that it would be alright or acceptable to put in a pinch now, you quit remember, not just that but you gave your word”. I swear this still happens to me on occasion, like there is this inner struggle, a more subtle voice in my head that tries to convince me that it is ok. Hard to write out I suppose, but there are moments where simple thoughts pass through my mind and they just don’t get filtered right away.
Day 43 was the first time I had a dip dream. Like many of you before me, I woke up feeling quite guilty and wondering if any of it was real. I didnÂ’t leap out of bed and go looking in my usual hiding places for the can I dreamt about, rather I remember laying there, looking at my wife who was still asleep, looking down at my dog sleeping at the foot of the bed, and thinking to myself how could I let myself down, how could I let them down. Boy, I was sure glad to be able to recognize that it was just a dream, but damn did it feel real. This was another time I was glad for all the support that you the KTC community can give.
Days 44 through 52 went by pretty quick. I work a job that takes me overseas quite often depending on what is going on in World News, and I knew that I was to start getting ready to head out again for work. I wasn’t really anxious about going this time, as I didn’t have to ensure I had enough rolls with me to make it. I am still not sure why dip isn’t sold outside of the US, and now I really don’t care, but it does make me wonder. Maybe it is just that friggin’ poisonous that the rest of the developed world wants nothing to do with it. Maybe it is just a nasty habit not accepted anywhere but here. Who knows, but I did notice in the month before my quit that dip cans started saying “Not for sale outside the USA”.
Day 53. Now I am officially overseas, rested up after a long day of travel and have some time to myself before getting to my final destination. I am still doing just fine, only area that triggered me was when I was in the duty free store when I got here. The Nicotine Bitch was screaming my name! I heard her very clearly, “Matt, come on buddy, you have been so good lately, working out, eating better, and yet you still deny the fact that you want me” is what she says to me. At home I am learning how to tune her voice out, how to go online and get support if I need it. Over here though, these are the times that will challenge my quit. Let me explain.
When I leave my wife and head out overseas, that is usually the time where I can give my gums a break, and take up smoking cigarettes, or worse do both depending on the stress level. See nobody is around who will judge me, or tell me to not smoke, or dip. There is no one monitoring how long I am in the bathroom for, hell there is no need to hide in the bathroom to dip. Thinking back now I can really see how the addict in me did all the talking and decision making for me. Damn I hate when these moments occur! Anyway the point here is that while I can proudly say I have 52 days under my belt, my biggest challenges, my largest triggers are about to become reality. I am headed out to my final destination tomorrow morning with no idea when I will go home next. And although I will not be on the ground in Iraq or Afghanistan, I will still be working closely with both campaigns. The stress levels that come with the job are usually what drives me to use nicotine. Not this time; I have thought a lot about and have taken quite a few notes on how to fight against those triggers. I am planning on taking more breaks from what I am doing, working out everyday to get rid of my excess stress, or energy, and eating properly. I know that it will not be easy, but nothing about quitting the Nic Bitch really is. Sometimes it is easy to write off the addiction, moments where you feel like you have got this. I will not let my guard down, I will not let anything or anyone intrude on my quit, and I will wake up each morning post roll and give all of you my word that I will not use nicotine in any form today.
Thanks for reading, and when I come back to this thread as I get closer to my HOF date (18 APRIL) I want this to serve as a reminder on the struggle that has endured.
