stuck and don't know what to do

[Vguy]

Hilly,
I'm lucky my wife stuck by me. We were both divorcees and in our late 30's when we met, so I guess our expectations were tempered a little more. She knew I dipped, hated it, and also knew that I wouldn't stop unless I decided to do so. Lucky for me, she loved me enough to risk loving me through my own stupidity and possibly disease and death. That's the better or worse part, and I pushed her to the limit on it with dip and motorcycles etc. She managed to love me through all of it and stood by until I stopped being stupid.

I'm quitting for me but so glad she'll get the benefit of it and that I can look her in the eye every morning after I post roll. I honestly am starting to see that look in her eye that I missed but didn't actually realize was missing because the nicotine allowed me to rationalize my disappointing her. I like it when I see that look of respect and love now. I missed it terribly and didn't even realize it was gone until it came back.

I don't know what to tell you since you haven't made the commitment yet and you want it more at this point than he does. Do you love him enough to risk that he won't be able to do it? That's a question only you can answer. Point him in this direction. He can PM me if he wants. I feel for you, but I feel for him even more because I know what the lie can cost him.

[Stat]

The brothers in quit have provided great responses. My only addition is an idea. Maybe you could show him the long article in my signature block (from an anti-smoking page, but great info) about how nicotine works and what it is doing to our minds. This article was useful to me because it made me so da angry at nicotine that I was ready to fight through a quit.

But as others have pointed out...breaking free is hard, and it has to come from within him. To give you an idea: I felt sick most of the time for the first 20 days.

[rdad]

Hello,

I just discovered this website this morning and hope that I can get some advice.

I have been in a four year relationship my boyfriend who has been dipping for at least 10 years. I am personally not prone to addiction myself, have not smoked and am as morally sound / straight edged as they come. At the beginning of our relationship I was under the impression that he was trying to quit - he often chewed Nicorette gum and from what I could tell, he did not dip in front of me. As time went on it became clear that he was not quitting and began openly dipping in front of me. This has always been a source of frustration in our relationship. From my perspective I find the habit disgusting and wish that he would invest in his health by taking the first step to quitting. From his perspective he feels that he wishes I would just love him for who he is, dipping and all. I am fully aware that this addiction existed when I came into the relationship, so perhaps I shouldn't complain - but, here I am, worried and really wanting this relationship to work.

Four years have passed and my patience is worn. The next step in our relationship is marriage but I'm not ready to commit long term to someone who is not willing to invest in their own health. Perhaps I am foolish for not making decisive moves four years ago, but I really hoped that with time he would want to quit for himself. I am certainly able to admit my own missteps in really addressing what I want for my life and it has been incredibly difficult to honest with myself.

At this point in time, I think have reached the point where I have to let him go. Obviously without knowing the ins and outs of our relationship, advice might be difficult to lend, but I'm hoping that someone can relate to my situation and share some suggestions. When it comes down to it, I do not want to break up, I really want us to work, but at the same time I know that I cannot live with this addiction looming over our heads.

Hilly,

I'm sorry to say that your boyfriend is addicted to nicotine, and is not ready to stop yet. Everyone of us has been there. I lied to my wife for 12 years. Told her I quit, but didn't. Told I would quit, but didn't. One day I just decided to Quit and that was that, but it took me 29 years to get there.

Not that he is going to be me. We have a ton of younger Quitters here. It seems that younger generations are smarter about tobacco than mine, and I think that is awesome, but...

You cannot make him quit. You cannot ask him to quit for you and here is why. If you ask him to quit for you and he is not ready, he will cave. And then he will blame it on you, and become resentful. Then he will dive deeper into his addiction, convinced that he can quit any time he wants.

He has to want this, and if you push, he may very well push back. Please do not equate that resistance to whether or not he loves you. I have no idea about that. I do know that he's an addict.

If you want to mention this website, please do. I know we can help him. I was active for 29 years. I am coming up on my 5th anniversary of being Quit next month. It can be done. But if he pushes back, it is no reflection on you. It is his addiction speaking to him.

I wish I could be more helpful, but addiction is not pretty, and niether is Quitting. It's the hardest thing we've ever done, but I will say, I have not regretted it once. Not for one minute.

If he signs on and wants to talk to someone, just shoot me a PM. I can make myself available.

All the best,

Nolaq
Day 1,803

^^^ Nolaq is spot on. He has to be ready to quit.
Tell him to visit KTC, read the stories, and see what he thinks.
Once he understands this is an addiction and not a habit, he might change his tune.
Idaho Spuds - 187, used for 16+ years

Hillylandscape,
Thank you for finding this place and recognizing that your boyfriend has a problem, you need to understand that he is an addict. Once he learns that he is an addict his mind will be blown. As has been said he needs to want to quit for himself, otherwise his quit is not genuine and will never last. If you truly care for him and IF he really cares for you as well as himself show him this place, let him read the stories about people like Shawn Marsee or Tom Kern. If he can read through those stories and not want to quit on his own and you cannot live with a lying, selfless asshole of an addict then turncoat now. I wish more women were like you though, and I wish more addicts learned to give a damn about themselves and see the great danger risks in what they are doing.

I wish you luck and peace, because if you choose to fight this battle you will need both.

Sincerely,
P

Hilly, I don't have much to add to what these other quitters have already said but I chewed when I married my wife. I did not hide it from her. I knew she hated me dipping and watched me stops numerous times. I always tried to quit because she hated it. The problem was I didn't hate it. It's really embarrassing to admit, but it took me 26 years to get to the point where I was just sick of it and I decided to quit for myself. I am glad she never left me. Not everyone can be that patient though. I guess it depends on his other redeeming attributes.

[Pinched]

Hello,

I just discovered this website this morning and hope that I can get some advice.

I have been in a four year relationship my boyfriend who has been dipping for at least 10 years. I am personally not prone to addiction myself, have not smoked and am as morally sound / straight edged as they come. At the beginning of our relationship I was under the impression that he was trying to quit - he often chewed Nicorette gum and from what I could tell, he did not dip in front of me. As time went on it became clear that he was not quitting and began openly dipping in front of me. This has always been a source of frustration in our relationship. From my perspective I find the habit disgusting and wish that he would invest in his health by taking the first step to quitting. From his perspective he feels that he wishes I would just love him for who he is, dipping and all. I am fully aware that this addiction existed when I came into the relationship, so perhaps I shouldn't complain - but, here I am, worried and really wanting this relationship to work.

Four years have passed and my patience is worn. The next step in our relationship is marriage but I'm not ready to commit long term to someone who is not willing to invest in their own health. Perhaps I am foolish for not making decisive moves four years ago, but I really hoped that with time he would want to quit for himself. I am certainly able to admit my own missteps in really addressing what I want for my life and it has been incredibly difficult to honest with myself.

At this point in time, I think have reached the point where I have to let him go. Obviously without knowing the ins and outs of our relationship, advice might be difficult to lend, but I'm hoping that someone can relate to my situation and share some suggestions. When it comes down to it, I do not want to break up, I really want us to work, but at the same time I know that I cannot live with this addiction looming over our heads.

Hilly,

I'm sorry to say that your boyfriend is addicted to nicotine, and is not ready to stop yet. Everyone of us has been there. I lied to my wife for 12 years. Told her I quit, but didn't. Told I would quit, but didn't. One day I just decided to Quit and that was that, but it took me 29 years to get there.

Not that he is going to be me. We have a ton of younger Quitters here. It seems that younger generations are smarter about tobacco than mine, and I think that is awesome, but...

You cannot make him quit. You cannot ask him to quit for you and here is why. If you ask him to quit for you and he is not ready, he will cave. And then he will blame it on you, and become resentful. Then he will dive deeper into his addiction, convinced that he can quit any time he wants.

He has to want this, and if you push, he may very well push back. Please do not equate that resistance to whether or not he loves you. I have no idea about that. I do know that he's an addict.

If you want to mention this website, please do. I know we can help him. I was active for 29 years. I am coming up on my 5th anniversary of being Quit next month. It can be done. But if he pushes back, it is no reflection on you. It is his addiction speaking to him.

I wish I could be more helpful, but addiction is not pretty, and niether is Quitting. It's the hardest thing we've ever done, but I will say, I have not regretted it once. Not for one minute.

If he signs on and wants to talk to someone, just shoot me a PM. I can make myself available.

All the best,

Nolaq
Day 1,803

^^^ Nolaq is spot on. He has to be ready to quit.
Tell him to visit KTC, read the stories, and see what he thinks.
Once he understands this is an addiction and not a habit, he might change his tune.
Idaho Spuds - 187, used for 16+ years

Hillylandscape,
Thank you for finding this place and recognizing that your boyfriend has a problem, you need to understand that he is an addict. Once he learns that he is an addict his mind will be blown. As has been said he needs to want to quit for himself, otherwise his quit is not genuine and will never last. If you truly care for him and IF he really cares for you as well as himself show him this place, let him read the stories about people like Shawn Marsee or Tom Kern. If he can read through those stories and not want to quit on his own and you cannot live with a lying, selfless asshole of an addict then turncoat now. I wish more women were like you though, and I wish more addicts learned to give a damn about themselves and see the great danger risks in what they are doing.

I wish you luck and peace, because if you choose to fight this battle you will need both.

Sincerely,
P

[Idaho Spuds]

Hello,

I just discovered this website this morning and hope that I can get some advice.

I have been in a four year relationship my boyfriend who has been dipping for at least 10 years. I am personally not prone to addiction myself, have not smoked and am as morally sound / straight edged as they come. At the beginning of our relationship I was under the impression that he was trying to quit - he often chewed Nicorette gum and from what I could tell, he did not dip in front of me. As time went on it became clear that he was not quitting and began openly dipping in front of me. This has always been a source of frustration in our relationship. From my perspective I find the habit disgusting and wish that he would invest in his health by taking the first step to quitting. From his perspective he feels that he wishes I would just love him for who he is, dipping and all. I am fully aware that this addiction existed when I came into the relationship, so perhaps I shouldn't complain - but, here I am, worried and really wanting this relationship to work.

Four years have passed and my patience is worn. The next step in our relationship is marriage but I'm not ready to commit long term to someone who is not willing to invest in their own health. Perhaps I am foolish for not making decisive moves four years ago, but I really hoped that with time he would want to quit for himself. I am certainly able to admit my own missteps in really addressing what I want for my life and it has been incredibly difficult to honest with myself.

At this point in time, I think have reached the point where I have to let him go. Obviously without knowing the ins and outs of our relationship, advice might be difficult to lend, but I'm hoping that someone can relate to my situation and share some suggestions. When it comes down to it, I do not want to break up, I really want us to work, but at the same time I know that I cannot live with this addiction looming over our heads.

Hilly,

I'm sorry to say that your boyfriend is addicted to nicotine, and is not ready to stop yet. Everyone of us has been there. I lied to my wife for 12 years. Told her I quit, but didn't. Told I would quit, but didn't. One day I just decided to Quit and that was that, but it took me 29 years to get there.

Not that he is going to be me. We have a ton of younger Quitters here. It seems that younger generations are smarter about tobacco than mine, and I think that is awesome, but...

You cannot make him quit. You cannot ask him to quit for you and here is why. If you ask him to quit for you and he is not ready, he will cave. And then he will blame it on you, and become resentful. Then he will dive deeper into his addiction, convinced that he can quit any time he wants.

He has to want this, and if you push, he may very well push back. Please do not equate that resistance to whether or not he loves you. I have no idea about that. I do know that he's an addict.

If you want to mention this website, please do. I know we can help him. I was active for 29 years. I am coming up on my 5th anniversary of being Quit next month. It can be done. But if he pushes back, it is no reflection on you. It is his addiction speaking to him.

I wish I could be more helpful, but addiction is not pretty, and niether is Quitting. It's the hardest thing we've ever done, but I will say, I have not regretted it once. Not for one minute.

If he signs on and wants to talk to someone, just shoot me a PM. I can make myself available.

All the best,

Nolaq
Day 1,803

^^^ Nolaq is spot on. He has to be ready to quit.
Tell him to visit KTC, read the stories, and see what he thinks.
Once he understands this is an addiction and not a habit, he might change his tune.
Idaho Spuds - 187, used for 16+ years

[Nolaq]

Hello,

I just discovered this website this morning and hope that I can get some advice.

I have been in a four year relationship my boyfriend who has been dipping for at least 10 years. I am personally not prone to addiction myself, have not smoked and am as morally sound / straight edged as they come. At the beginning of our relationship I was under the impression that he was trying to quit - he often chewed Nicorette gum and from what I could tell, he did not dip in front of me. As time went on it became clear that he was not quitting and began openly dipping in front of me. This has always been a source of frustration in our relationship. From my perspective I find the habit disgusting and wish that he would invest in his health by taking the first step to quitting. From his perspective he feels that he wishes I would just love him for who he is, dipping and all. I am fully aware that this addiction existed when I came into the relationship, so perhaps I shouldn't complain - but, here I am, worried and really wanting this relationship to work.

Four years have passed and my patience is worn. The next step in our relationship is marriage but I'm not ready to commit long term to someone who is not willing to invest in their own health. Perhaps I am foolish for not making decisive moves four years ago, but I really hoped that with time he would want to quit for himself. I am certainly able to admit my own missteps in really addressing what I want for my life and it has been incredibly difficult to honest with myself.

At this point in time, I think have reached the point where I have to let him go. Obviously without knowing the ins and outs of our relationship, advice might be difficult to lend, but I'm hoping that someone can relate to my situation and share some suggestions. When it comes down to it, I do not want to break up, I really want us to work, but at the same time I know that I cannot live with this addiction looming over our heads.

Hilly,

I'm sorry to say that your boyfriend is addicted to nicotine, and is not ready to stop yet. Everyone of us has been there. I lied to my wife for 12 years. Told her I quit, but didn't. Told I would quit, but didn't. One day I just decided to Quit and that was that, but it took me 29 years to get there.

Not that he is going to be me. We have a ton of younger Quitters here. It seems that younger generations are smarter about tobacco than mine, and I think that is awesome, but...

You cannot make him quit. You cannot ask him to quit for you and here is why. If you ask him to quit for you and he is not ready, he will cave. And then he will blame it on you, and become resentful. Then he will dive deeper into his addiction, convinced that he can quit any time he wants.

He has to want this, and if you push, he may very well push back. Please do not equate that resistance to whether or not he loves you. I have no idea about that. I do know that he's an addict.

If you want to mention this website, please do. I know we can help him. I was active for 29 years. I am coming up on my 5th anniversary of being Quit next month. It can be done. But if he pushes back, it is no reflection on you. It is his addiction speaking to him.

I wish I could be more helpful, but addiction is not pretty, and niether is Quitting. It's the hardest thing we've ever done, but I will say, I have not regretted it once. Not for one minute.

If he signs on and wants to talk to someone, just shoot me a PM. I can make myself available.

All the best,

Nolaq
Day 1,803

[hillylandscape]

Hello,

I just discovered this website this morning and hope that I can get some advice.

I have been in a four year relationship my boyfriend who has been dipping for at least 10 years. I am personally not prone to addiction myself, have not smoked and am as morally sound / straight edged as they come. At the beginning of our relationship I was under the impression that he was trying to quit - he often chewed Nicorette gum and from what I could tell, he did not dip in front of me. As time went on it became clear that he was not quitting and began openly dipping in front of me. This has always been a source of frustration in our relationship. From my perspective I find the habit disgusting and wish that he would invest in his health by taking the first step to quitting. From his perspective he feels that he wishes I would just love him for who he is, dipping and all. I am fully aware that this addiction existed when I came into the relationship, so perhaps I shouldn't complain - but, here I am, worried and really wanting this relationship to work.

Four years have passed and my patience is worn. The next step in our relationship is marriage but I'm not ready to commit long term to someone who is not willing to invest in their own health. Perhaps I am foolish for not making decisive moves four years ago, but I really hoped that with time he would want to quit for himself. I am certainly able to admit my own missteps in really addressing what I want for my life and it has been incredibly difficult to honest with myself.

At this point in time, I think have reached the point where I have to let him go. Obviously without knowing the ins and outs of our relationship, advice might be difficult to lend, but I'm hoping that someone can relate to my situation and share some suggestions. When it comes down to it, I do not want to break up, I really want us to work, but at the same time I know that I cannot live with this addiction looming over our heads.