Hello,
I just discovered this website this morning and hope that I can get some advice.
I have been in a four year relationship my boyfriend who has been dipping for at least 10 years. I am personally not prone to addiction myself, have not smoked and am as morally sound / straight edged as they come. At the beginning of our relationship I was under the impression that he was trying to quit - he often chewed Nicorette gum and from what I could tell, he did not dip in front of me. As time went on it became clear that he was not quitting and began openly dipping in front of me. This has always been a source of frustration in our relationship. From my perspective I find the habit disgusting and wish that he would invest in his health by taking the first step to quitting. From his perspective he feels that he wishes I would just love him for who he is, dipping and all. I am fully aware that this addiction existed when I came into the relationship, so perhaps I shouldn't complain - but, here I am, worried and really wanting this relationship to work.
Four years have passed and my patience is worn. The next step in our relationship is marriage but I'm not ready to commit long term to someone who is not willing to invest in their own health. Perhaps I am foolish for not making decisive moves four years ago, but I really hoped that with time he would want to quit for himself. I am certainly able to admit my own missteps in really addressing what I want for my life and it has been incredibly difficult to honest with myself.
At this point in time, I think have reached the point where I have to let him go. Obviously without knowing the ins and outs of our relationship, advice might be difficult to lend, but I'm hoping that someone can relate to my situation and share some suggestions. When it comes down to it, I do not want to break up, I really want us to work, but at the same time I know that I cannot live with this addiction looming over our heads.
Hilly,
I'm sorry to say that your boyfriend is addicted to nicotine, and is not ready to stop yet. Everyone of us has been there. I lied to my wife for 12 years. Told her I quit, but didn't. Told I would quit, but didn't. One day I just decided to Quit and that was that, but it took me 29 years to get there.
Not that he is going to be me. We have a ton of younger Quitters here. It seems that younger generations are smarter about tobacco than mine, and I think that is awesome, but...
You cannot make him quit. You cannot ask him to quit for you and here is why. If you ask him to quit for you and he is not ready, he will cave. And then he will blame it on you, and become resentful. Then he will dive deeper into his addiction, convinced that he can quit any time he wants.
He has to want this, and if you push, he may very well push back. Please do not equate that resistance to whether or not he loves you. I have no idea about that. I do know that he's an addict.
If you want to mention this website, please do. I know we can help him. I was active for 29 years. I am coming up on my 5th anniversary of being Quit next month. It can be done. But if he pushes back, it is no reflection on you. It is his addiction speaking to him.
I wish I could be more helpful, but addiction is not pretty, and niether is Quitting. It's the hardest thing we've ever done, but I will say, I have not regretted it once. Not for one minute.
If he signs on and wants to talk to someone, just shoot me a PM. I can make myself available.
All the best,
Nolaq
Day 1,803