Hello KTC community. 30+ year addict here. I quit chewing tobacco (for the last time) 125 days ago and just found this website. I was looking for a place to share stories and maybe help some others. As I read through a lot of material today, I 'm not sure where I might fit, but am open to suggestion. Because of my situation, I'm not worried about a relapse (yes, been there before), so I'm not sure about joining a daily roll call; although I absolutely get the value of it. I wish I would have had that 124 days ago.
I was a classic and worst case example of a ninja dipper. The things I would do to sneak a dip (or many dips) was astounding and embarrassing. I would go for long "exercise" walks in the evening so I could squeeze in 3 good dips. "Honey, I need to run to the store to get XYZ, you need anything?" = one good solid dip. I'd stay up late paying bills or lie about doing other productive stuff at my computer, so I could get in a couple hours of dipping while she was sleeping. Landscaping - she would never come out while I'm doing that - thus great time to sneak some chew. Toothbrush and gum in the car to erase any signs. Gum on hand at all times otherwise. I was pathetically addicted.
It's affected my health, my sleep, my relationships, my career and more. Despite all of that, it was persistent mouth pain that finally woke me up. I told myself I would quit when my first child was born...not. Definitely when my second child was born...not. But around November 2014, I started getting mouth pain that would come and go. It got worse through the next couple months. As an addict - which I'm sure many of you can appreciate - I was living in denial. I kept telling myself that I'll just quit and whatever it was will probably heal. I was in SO much denial, I wouldn't even inspect my mouth for sores. I wouldn't google for symptoms of cancer, for fear it would match my symptoms. That's the level of denial an addict is capable of...
I started thinking about the fact that oral cancer is extremely fatal by the time you have symptoms. I didn't have as much life insurance as I would like. If I went to doctor or dentist and cancer was confirmed, I would never be able to increase my insurance. So, I started calculating the value of my life versus insuring for a better future for my wife and children. I felt that I could accept my own death, but didn't want them to pay for my sins. How fucking stupid can we be as addicts?
I finally quit on Jan 27, 2015. Within a couple months, the mouth pain subsided quite a bit, but didn't go away. I slowly started inspecting my mouth and googling about mouth cancer. I can't tell you how many times I woke up in the middle of the night with tears in my eyes about how I screwed my life and my family's life just for a stupid addiction. I was convinced that I probably had cancer. That realization changed my life. My kids are very young and I started to think that they might not even remember me. It was a horrible thought. I had insomnia for months just thinking about it.
As of right now, I've had a thorough exam for oral and throat cancer and I don't have any obvious cancer. Thank God. But, I'm suddenly extremely aware of the emotions surrounding the idea of cancer. I was in fear and denial for six months before facing reality. That seemed like a lifetime. I got lucky because of that chronic mouth pain of unspecific origin (Burning Mouth Syndrome) that finally woke my ass up.
Anything I can do to help encourage others to quit, I would be happy to do. I wish all of you the best!!!!
