My Name is Chuck and I'm a Gutter Junkie

[captnncoke13]

We can never forget why we've started on this journey towards freedom!!!

Hey Dad!

Christmas was good, we got a 10 FOOT TREE!!!! It is huge and you can smell the tree all the way downstairs!! Bubba also came home this year, which was really nice for all of us. Well just thought I would drop in and say hi! I love you and miss you tons!!!!

Kenzi mackenzie_k_06@hotmail.com
- Thursday, January 6, 2011 7:39 PM CST



Well Dad,

Today is Connor's 16th birthday!! How crazy is that?! He will be taking his test next week, I went to pick him up at a friend's house yesterday and he drove home. It is WAY too weird with him driving, in less than a year Tor will be getting her permit...that is also WAY WAY too weird. If you think about it...I didn't even have my license when you left. Actually I think that I had failed it a few days before. Wow it has been so long!! But anyways, I love you and miss you!!
Kenzi mackenzie_k_06@hotmail.com
- Tuesday, November 9, 2010 9:53 AM CST

[captnncoke13]

Thought it was fitting that I found this on my 100th day. We can never let our guard down or relax for one moment. The stakes are simply too high and the costs immeasurable. I am still quit for me, so that I won't have to live with putting my daughter through the same type of hell. Good Lord, please grant her and her family the peace they so richly deserve.

http://www.caringbridge.org/mn/tomkern/guestbook.html

You'd hold me close in your arms
I loved the way you felt so strong
I never wanted you to leave
I wanted you to stay here holding me
I miss you
I miss your smile
And i still shed a tear
Every once in a while
And even though it's different now,
You're still here somehow
My heart won't let you go
And I need you to know
I miss you
I'm thinking back on the past
It's true the time is flying by too fast
I know your in a better place yeah
But i wish that I could see your face oh
I know where you need to be
Even though it's not here with me

Kenzi Kern
Sunday, September 5, 2010 10:56 PM CDT

Hey dad!

Well today is the day that Alexa leaves for school. I thought I would be so excited for her to go since I will finally not have to be her second mom...reminding her to clean her room, do the dishes, help with laundry, well basically cleaning up after herself...which we all know if a life or death situation for her. Well I am actually sad. (don't tell mom, she will do the "I told you so" thing) Kenra, Lexa, and I had so much fun last night just hanging out, dancing, and just talking.m Now I am at home cleaning her room, bathroom, and closet..because it is now mine. I thinking of her moving in and you should be there helping. When you go to college your dad should be there helping you carry all of the big things, giving you a big hug and as your pretending not to be scared to be on your own you should be there saying it will be okay kiddo, you can call when anytime. But your not. I am so mad that you are not here to watch all of us grow up and here for every waking moment. I wish you could be hear for us and give us that hug and call us kiddo or pumpkin. Well I miss you dad and love you so much!
Kenzi Kern
Saturday, September 4, 2010 10:58 AM CDT

[captnncoke13]

On day 70, couple nights ago, I had the second dip dream that I remember. Like the first one, I was driving in my truck. Not sure where I was coming from or going to. All of a sudden, I realized that I had a huge fatty in my lip. Don't remember putting it in, it kind of like just appeared. I seriously thought this was real and couldn't believe I caved. This feeling of doom lasted long after I woke and realized it was just a dream. Just goes to show that no matter how many days we have under our belts or how strong we think our quits are we're just one second and one bad decision away from becoming an active nic junkie once again. The thoughts and cravings have diminished in frequency. Now the battle has shifted to guard against the ambush instead of against frontal assults. One day at a time.

[Greg5280]

I posted this today in my HOF group, but wanted to put it here as well.

First - Remember that you have the ears and brain of an addict. So even if you're quoting the man verbatim, recognize that he must have been sugar coating the facts a lot or not a very smart man. (Side note from Lou Holtz - Do you know what they call the person who finished at the bottom of their Med School graduating class - Doctor) The fact is that we've all been doing this long enough to fall into the category of having "cells dying and rejuvenating". Ever been able to peel off a good chunk of your cheek after a night of hitting the tin hard? I have and it was happening more and more right before I quit.

Second - Someone mentioned Russian roulette. I'm a numbers guy and did some simple math. Do you know that with 1 bullet in a 6 shooter (no moving the chambers) that your chance of survival is as follows: 1st pull = 83.3% (5 outta 6), 2nd pull = 80% (4 outta 5), 3rd pull = 75% (3 outta 4), 4th pull = 66.6 (2 outta 3), 5th pull = 50%? I've got 2 more questions for ya - 1) Would you ever be crazy enough to actually pull the trigger? and 2) What "pull of the trigger" are you on in your Russian Roulette game of Dip?

Lastly - You shouldn't be concerned about sharing something like this with your quit brothers. This type of thing is the reason why we're all here and this site is exactly why addicts, like us, have finally been able to break free. We're here to support you in your time(s) of need as well as get support from you when we need it. Also, by involving ourselves in other's quits we strengthen our own quits. I was thinking about this today as I was reading BigDuke's intro page (recommend it to all). Mule said something on that thread that stopped me cold - (paraphrasing) "I would gladly stop a bullet for my wife and child, but I wouldn't quit dip for them. However, I would for my quit brothers - strangers I never met and probably never would meet."

I know you will get through this. You want to know why I can say that with certainty - because I know you even though we've never met and I don't even know your first name (BTW my name is Chuck). I know you because I am you. We are addicts that have decided to take back our lives one day at a time by giving a daily commitment to folks we will never meet to be nic free for that day and that day only. We are stronger than our addiction and will lean upon our brothers if and when needed. We will never let a quit brother down, let them fall, or let them fail. All one needs to do is reach out and an entire quit army will be at their side to guide them, support them, and/or carry them. Whatever is needed will be done. Because giving and receiving that type of support is the only way gutter junkies break their bonds of addiction. You can and will get through this.

This site and all it's fucked up members are "...like an angel on your shoulder. And if you ever get hurt, and you feel that you’re going down this little angel is gonna whisper in your ear. He gonna say “Get up you son of a bitch, because Mickey loves ya!”

Excellent post !! Keep sharing... it keeps us quit !!

[captnncoke13]

Hey dad

Just wanted to stop by and say hi. Thought you might like to know that Connor got the MVP award for baseball from his coach this year. Mom said that he started out by saying that he was every coaches dream player...that outta make you proud!! You raised a good one!! :)

Love you!!!
Kenzi mackenzie_k_06@hotmail.com
- Tuesday, August 10, 2010 10:59 PM CDT

[captnncoke13]

I posted this today in my HOF group, but wanted to put it here as well.

First - Remember that you have the ears and brain of an addict. So even if you're quoting the man verbatim, recognize that he must have been sugar coating the facts a lot or not a very smart man. (Side note from Lou Holtz - Do you know what they call the person who finished at the bottom of their Med School graduating class - Doctor) The fact is that we've all been doing this long enough to fall into the category of having "cells dying and rejuvenating". Ever been able to peel off a good chunk of your cheek after a night of hitting the tin hard? I have and it was happening more and more right before I quit.

Second - Someone mentioned Russian roulette. I'm a numbers guy and did some simple math. Do you know that with 1 bullet in a 6 shooter (no moving the chambers) that your chance of survival is as follows: 1st pull = 83.3% (5 outta 6), 2nd pull = 80% (4 outta 5), 3rd pull = 75% (3 outta 4), 4th pull = 66.6 (2 outta 3), 5th pull = 50%? I've got 2 more questions for ya - 1) Would you ever be crazy enough to actually pull the trigger? and 2) What "pull of the trigger" are you on in your Russian Roulette game of Dip?

Lastly - You shouldn't be concerned about sharing something like this with your quit brothers. This type of thing is the reason why we're all here and this site is exactly why addicts, like us, have finally been able to break free. We're here to support you in your time(s) of need as well as get support from you when we need it. Also, by involving ourselves in other's quits we strengthen our own quits. I was thinking about this today as I was reading BigDuke's intro page (recommend it to all). Mule said something on that thread that stopped me cold - (paraphrasing) "I would gladly stop a bullet for my wife and child, but I wouldn't quit dip for them. However, I would for my quit brothers - strangers I never met and probably never would meet."

I know you will get through this. You want to know why I can say that with certainty - because I know you even though we've never met and I don't even know your first name (BTW my name is Chuck). I know you because I am you. We are addicts that have decided to take back our lives one day at a time by giving a daily commitment to folks we will never meet to be nic free for that day and that day only. We are stronger than our addiction and will lean upon our brothers if and when needed. We will never let a quit brother down, let them fall, or let them fail. All one needs to do is reach out and an entire quit army will be at their side to guide them, support them, and/or carry them. Whatever is needed will be done. Because giving and receiving that type of support is the only way gutter junkies break their bonds of addiction. You can and will get through this.

This site and all it's fucked up members are "...like an angel on your shoulder. And if you ever get hurt, and you feel that you’re going down this little angel is gonna whisper in your ear. He gonna say “Get up you son of a bitch, because Mickey loves ya!”

[DeanTheCoot]

Today is day 50 of my quit. While I know this is nothing compared to the amount of time I spent putting that poison in my face, it is a milestone that I'm going to recognize and celebrate (a little). The toughest part about my quit (thus far) has been the mind games with that nagging little voice. I really haven't experienced anything that I would call a physical craving - could just be that I cannot differentiate between the voice and physical. Anyway, in past quits, I would allow the little voice to "win" when "life happened" - money got tight, boss being an extra large dick, etc. The biggest one of all was when the wife and I would get into it. I would do it to "calm down" and/or to spite her. The interesting thing is that all these things I just described are currently present and always will be. This site, the support of my classmates and vets, and posting roll with my promise to be nic free for today have made a huge difference this time around. Another difference in this quit is that I finally manned up and did this for me, not my wife or daughter. I know I have ragged on my wife a lot on this site. The truth is that she is the best thing that ever happened to me. She drives me crazy alot, but I wouldn't be the man I am today without her. I want to work through the rough patch we're currently in, have another child and ultimately reitre and spoil our grandkids together. I want to be there to help guide our daughter through her developmental years, watch her get her diploma, walk her down the isle and dance with her at her wedding - not for anyone's sake but for mine. This and KTC are the reasons why I'm able to reach this small, but important, milestone. Thank you all for your support and guidance. I cannot say if I will never use nic again. However, I can say, with the utmost certainty, that I will not use it today. I will do the same tomorrow and tomorrow's tomorrow...

Excellent. This is what I was talking about in my last post here. Share YOUR thoughts. ;)

You're going to feel like a better and better and better person as your quit ages. Basically, you'll recognize that you are extremely badass. You'll recognize that applying that badassness to every part of your life is possible, and you'll start doing so. That is one of the most pleasant byproducts of OWNING an addiction.

[captnncoke13]

Today is day 50 of my quit. While I know this is nothing compared to the amount of time I spent putting that poison in my face, it is a milestone that I'm going to recognize and celebrate (a little). The toughest part about my quit (thus far) has been the mind games with that nagging little voice. I really haven't experienced anything that I would call a physical craving - could just be that I cannot differentiate between the voice and physical. Anyway, in past quits, I would allow the little voice to "win" when "life happened" - money got tight, boss being an extra large dick, etc. The biggest one of all was when the wife and I would get into it. I would do it to "calm down" and/or to spite her. The interesting thing is that all these things I just described are currently present and always will be. This site, the support of my classmates and vets, and posting roll with my promise to be nic free for today have made a huge difference this time around. Another difference in this quit is that I finally manned up and did this for me, not my wife or daughter. I know I have ragged on my wife a lot on this site. The truth is that she is the best thing that ever happened to me. She drives me crazy alot, but I wouldn't be the man I am today without her. I want to work through the rough patch we're currently in, have another child and ultimately reitre and spoil our grandkids together. I want to be there to help guide our daughter through her developmental years, watch her get her diploma, walk her down the isle and dance with her at her wedding - not for anyone's sake but for mine. This and KTC are the reasons why I'm able to reach this small, but important, milestone. Thank you all for your support and guidance. I cannot say if I will never use nic again. However, I can say, with the utmost certainty, that I will not use it today. I will do the same tomorrow and tomorrow's tomorrow...

[captnncoke13]

Its funny.  I'm over a month into my quit and yet I'm still experiencing some mental games.  Every once and a while a little voice will pop up w/ "see you can do this anytime you want, now lets go get some."  Prior to going through this, I would have thought stuff like this would have stopped by now.  Just proves to me what an addict I am and will always be.  The good thing is that now it is easies to shut that voice out.  I'm still using the fake, but it is becoming more annoying than anything.  Maybe when I stop using that all together then the voice will become less dormant.  However, I know that voice will always be there, lurking just waiting for an opportunity to strike.  I must never let my guard down.  I have too much invested in this to ever consider turning back.  I will not be that weak again.

No getting cocky for sure. Seems like every other day is different in all ways except that I continually push myself to not cave. Some days are easy, some days are tough, but every day I get on and post roll. Read a few stories and regardless of how I feel I am glad to still be alive.

Bitch will come knocking from time to time. You are learning how not to answer the door at the wrong time. Over time the visits will begin to come farther and farther apart.

been reading your intro. Good stuff. As far as the mental games. I don't know if they will ever go away. I have 921 day under my belt. And still get the "Lets just have one" feeling every blue moon. I will go many days in b/w them, but they still pop up. Always keep your guard up.

Another thing. Did you ever come clean with your wife. Not to intrude in your personal relationships but it could be helpful. Or not. I don't know.

Congrats on a quit well started.

Thanks for the kind words. Just noticed that ur quit date is my daughter's birthday. Too bad I wasn't strong enough to have the same quit date. Oh well, better late than never I guess. Thanks again.

[captnncoke13]

My family (me, wife and daughter) went on vacation last week with my family.  The weeks leading up to it my wife and I were at eachother's throats.  Anyway, during the vaca we were really busy, but had a great time.  The last night we were there the wife and I got into a big dust up.  We were having dinner (cook-out) for my dad's b-day and she dropped an accusation that I had too much to drink even though she just arrived at the picnic site.  Well, I hit the fucking roof.  I was so pissed because I had gone out of my way to make sure she had a good time and to do more than my fair share when it came to our daughter and the organizational BS that comes with vaca.  I'm pretty sure it wasn't dip rage, but am questioning myself since my reaction was more severe than I would have liked.  Was it the lack of nic or am I not the person I thought I was?  Am I just a dick deep down? Just questioning myself - guess it just comes with the territory.

Maybe your wife was right, maybe you did have too much to drink. From the looks of your screen name "captnncoke" it seems alcohol identifies you more than your family. We have an alcohol quit group in the Wildcard section of this site. you might try that for a few weeks and see if maybe drinking is the problem. Just a thought, good luck.

"dropped an accusation that I had too much to drink" - A guy that calls himself "captnncoke", come on there's no way he is a big drinker :) No offense Capn', I dont know anything about you, I'm just giving you a 10 second objective outside look at the situation from the limited information I have. All the best.

Most likely there was some dip rage in the mix. I don't think we are good judges of our character during the early quit. In our heads we justify, rationalize (I did more than my fair share..), we blame others (wife / kid did blah blah). But until you rewire your control buttons in your head you will fire off and be more of an ass than you naturally are.

So I've come to realize that during the first 100 or so days it's even more important to practice the words, "yes dear", "your right", and "I'm sorry". I'm betting that if we saw ourselves on video during some of those exchanges we'd say "what a dick that dude is".

So learn to catch yourself BEFORE you react. Take a breath, take a walk, count to a million, then look up and smile. Realize that the family/friend is someone that you care about, then temper your response more approriately.

Truely it will take time to rewire the brain!

my two cents

Rob

Points well received from you both. Just to clarify, I didn't pick my screen name because I'm a big drinker. Was just a screen name I've used since I was in college (long time ago) and yes did drink captain and coke from time to time. I honestly can't remember the last time I had one though - must be at least 4 years. Now I'm pretty much just an occasional beer and wine drinker. I will say that since I've quit that I've had beer more frequently than prior but nothing abnomal for the summer. It is something that I am conscience of though. That night, I did have a couple beers, but she saw an almost empty 6 pack case and instantly thought I drank them all since it was my beer. I agree that I need to take a step back prior to going with my first reaction. I think what has me so flustered is that I usually am good with doing just that. Especially since it was a cookout for my dad's b-day, I would normally not let something she said get to me so to impact the event. This time though I did let it get to me - was it all the shit we've been going through in our marriage, was it the beer, was it the dip, was it just me being a dick, am I just a dick? Guess I just need to keep it moving and learn from this.

[corn69]

Its funny.  I'm over a month into my quit and yet I'm still experiencing some mental games.  Every once and a while a little voice will pop up w/ "see you can do this anytime you want, now lets go get some."  Prior to going through this, I would have thought stuff like this would have stopped by now.  Just proves to me what an addict I am and will always be.  The good thing is that now it is easies to shut that voice out.  I'm still using the fake, but it is becoming more annoying than anything.  Maybe when I stop using that all together then the voice will become less dormant.  However, I know that voice will always be there, lurking just waiting for an opportunity to strike.  I must never let my guard down.  I have too much invested in this to ever consider turning back.  I will not be that weak again.

No getting cocky for sure. Seems like every other day is different in all ways except that I continually push myself to not cave. Some days are easy, some days are tough, but every day I get on and post roll. Read a few stories and regardless of how I feel I am glad to still be alive.

Bitch will come knocking from time to time. You are learning how not to answer the door at the wrong time. Over time the visits will begin to come farther and farther apart.

been reading your intro. Good stuff. As far as the mental games. I don't know if they will ever go away. I have 921 day under my belt. And still get the "Lets just have one" feeling every blue moon. I will go many days in b/w them, but they still pop up. Always keep your guard up.

Another thing. Did you ever come clean with your wife. Not to intrude in your personal relationships but it could be helpful. Or not. I don't know.

Congrats on a quit well started.

[RWM]

My family (me, wife and daughter) went on vacation last week with my family.  The weeks leading up to it my wife and I were at eachother's throats.  Anyway, during the vaca we were really busy, but had a great time.  The last night we were there the wife and I got into a big dust up.  We were having dinner (cook-out) for my dad's b-day and she dropped an accusation that I had too much to drink even though she just arrived at the picnic site.  Well, I hit the fucking roof.  I was so pissed because I had gone out of my way to make sure she had a good time and to do more than my fair share when it came to our daughter and the organizational BS that comes with vaca.  I'm pretty sure it wasn't dip rage, but am questioning myself since my reaction was more severe than I would have liked.  Was it the lack of nic or am I not the person I thought I was?  Am I just a dick deep down? Just questioning myself - guess it just comes with the territory.

Maybe your wife was right, maybe you did have too much to drink. From the looks of your screen name "captnncoke" it seems alcohol identifies you more than your family. We have an alcohol quit group in the Wildcard section of this site. you might try that for a few weeks and see if maybe drinking is the problem. Just a thought, good luck.

"dropped an accusation that I had too much to drink" - A guy that calls himself "captnncoke", come on there's no way he is a big drinker :) No offense Capn', I dont know anything about you, I'm just giving you a 10 second objective outside look at the situation from the limited information I have. All the best.

Most likely there was some dip rage in the mix. I don't think we are good judges of our character during the early quit. In our heads we justify, rationalize (I did more than my fair share..), we blame others (wife / kid did blah blah). But until you rewire your control buttons in your head you will fire off and be more of an ass than you naturally are.

So I've come to realize that during the first 100 or so days it's even more important to practice the words, "yes dear", "your right", and "I'm sorry". I'm betting that if we saw ourselves on video during some of those exchanges we'd say "what a dick that dude is".

So learn to catch yourself BEFORE you react. Take a breath, take a walk, count to a million, then look up and smile. Realize that the family/friend is someone that you care about, then temper your response more approriately.

Truely it will take time to rewire the brain!

my two cents

Rob

[donewithapinch]

My family (me, wife and daughter) went on vacation last week with my family. The weeks leading up to it my wife and I were at eachother's throats. Anyway, during the vaca we were really busy, but had a great time. The last night we were there the wife and I got into a big dust up. We were having dinner (cook-out) for my dad's b-day and she dropped an accusation that I had too much to drink even though she just arrived at the picnic site. Well, I hit the fucking roof. I was so pissed because I had gone out of my way to make sure she had a good time and to do more than my fair share when it came to our daughter and the organizational BS that comes with vaca. I'm pretty sure it wasn't dip rage, but am questioning myself since my reaction was more severe than I would have liked. Was it the lack of nic or am I not the person I thought I was? Am I just a dick deep down? Just questioning myself - guess it just comes with the territory.

Maybe your wife was right, maybe you did have too much to drink. From the looks of your screen name "captnncoke" it seems alcohol identifies you more than your family. We have an alcohol quit group in the Wildcard section of this site. you might try that for a few weeks and see if maybe drinking is the problem. Just a thought, good luck.

"dropped an accusation that I had too much to drink" - A guy that calls himself "captnncoke", come on there's no way he is a big drinker :) No offense Capn', I dont know anything about you, I'm just giving you a 10 second objective outside look at the situation from the limited information I have. All the best.

[captnncoke13]

My family (me, wife and daughter) went on vacation last week with my family. The weeks leading up to it my wife and I were at eachother's throats. Anyway, during the vaca we were really busy, but had a great time. The last night we were there the wife and I got into a big dust up. We were having dinner (cook-out) for my dad's b-day and she dropped an accusation that I had too much to drink even though she just arrived at the picnic site. Well, I hit the fucking roof. I was so pissed because I had gone out of my way to make sure she had a good time and to do more than my fair share when it came to our daughter and the organizational BS that comes with vaca. I'm pretty sure it wasn't dip rage, but am questioning myself since my reaction was more severe than I would have liked. Was it the lack of nic or am I not the person I thought I was? Am I just a dick deep down? Just questioning myself - guess it just comes with the territory.

[captnncoke13]

ONE TRUTH

One small detail that has made all the difference. I remember dipping and wanting to quit. I mean REALLY wanting to quit. Fear of cancer wanting to quit, pray to God wanting to quit, try anything wanting to quit. Wife crying begging me to quit, kids spitting on the ground to be like Daddy wanting to quit.

I'd feel the desire to quit and remember previous attempts. A day, a week, 6 months. I would laugh at myself because I was so stupid. How could I hate something having so much power over me, get free of it, then forget I hated it, miss it , go back, and restart the cycle.

A promise to myself.
No matter what happened, if I could ever break free again, I would remember how bad I wanted to quit. I lose the fear of addiction from time to time, I tell myself secrets about a dip or a smoke , I forget alot of the struggle to get here, But I clearly remember my promise made in a moment of clarity. If I could want to free myself of something so bad when I had it, then I know that wanting it when I have successfully gained my freedom is addiction and not truth. The simple memory of my desire to stop works on all my lies like a shield.

Hold onto something, your reason for quitting, the emotion behind it. Write it down. There may come a day where you forget your an addict, a day where you think one won't hurt, a day where you believe you can quit again at will. On that day you will need to remember how bad you wished you never tried it, how hard it was to gather the strength to quit, how much you hated the control it had on you, how much you wished , prayed, begged, and pleaded to get quit. If you can tap into that you'll never look back, no matter what your inner addict whispers in your ear.

sm