My Name is Chuck and I'm a Gutter Junkie

[DeanTheCoot]

Chuck,

I think you need to start posting more of your own thoughts here. This is not to say that the wise words you've read, copied and pasted aren't good tools for you, as reminders, because they are surely good tools. I'm just saying that keeping a record of your own thoughts is just as valuable, and definitely valuable for other quitters who read your intro a year from now. The things you've written here about your own experience are sharp. Share more.

- Dean the Cunt

[captnncoke13]

Little reminder that I'm not alone on this journey.

Cock of the day. Today's COCKS of the Day awards go to two bad assed motherfuckers who I am certain will not only make the HOF, but kick some ass along the way. These guys will support you when you need it and let you know when you fuck up. First COCK of the day (in no particular order) is captncoke13. When his quit partner, "I'm a big selfish vagina and everyone can go fuck-themselves because I have too much stress and the nic whore will fix it all" Griff, caved, he stayed strong and reminded us all of the Kern story. He could have used it as an excuse to cave, but he did not. He expressed himself on here like a man, gave Griff some solid advice, and moved on with our group. Nice work.

[RAZD611]

Its funny.  I'm over a month into my quit and yet I'm still experiencing some mental games.  Every once and a while a little voice will pop up w/ "see you can do this anytime you want, now lets go get some."  Prior to going through this, I would have thought stuff like this would have stopped by now.  Just proves to me what an addict I am and will always be.  The good thing is that now it is easies to shut that voice out.  I'm still using the fake, but it is becoming more annoying than anything.  Maybe when I stop using that all together then the voice will become less dormant.  However, I know that voice will always be there, lurking just waiting for an opportunity to strike.  I must never let my guard down.  I have too much invested in this to ever consider turning back.  I will not be that weak again.

No getting cocky for sure. Seems like every other day is different in all ways except that I continually push myself to not cave. Some days are easy, some days are tough, but every day I get on and post roll. Read a few stories and regardless of how I feel I am glad to still be alive.

Bitch will come knocking from time to time. You are learning how not to answer the door at the wrong time. Over time the visits will begin to come farther and farther apart.

[john101477]

Its funny. I'm over a month into my quit and yet I'm still experiencing some mental games. Every once and a while a little voice will pop up w/ "see you can do this anytime you want, now lets go get some." Prior to going through this, I would have thought stuff like this would have stopped by now. Just proves to me what an addict I am and will always be. The good thing is that now it is easies to shut that voice out. I'm still using the fake, but it is becoming more annoying than anything. Maybe when I stop using that all together then the voice will become less dormant. However, I know that voice will always be there, lurking just waiting for an opportunity to strike. I must never let my guard down. I have too much invested in this to ever consider turning back. I will not be that weak again.

No getting cocky for sure. Seems like every other day is different in all ways except that I continually push myself to not cave. Some days are easy, some days are tough, but every day I get on and post roll. Read a few stories and regardless of how I feel I am glad to still be alive.

[captnncoke13]

Its funny. I'm over a month into my quit and yet I'm still experiencing some mental games. Every once and a while a little voice will pop up w/ "see you can do this anytime you want, now lets go get some." Prior to going through this, I would have thought stuff like this would have stopped by now. Just proves to me what an addict I am and will always be. The good thing is that now it is easies to shut that voice out. I'm still using the fake, but it is becoming more annoying than anything. Maybe when I stop using that all together then the voice will become less dormant. However, I know that voice will always be there, lurking just waiting for an opportunity to strike. I must never let my guard down. I have too much invested in this to ever consider turning back. I will not be that weak again.

[Greg5280]

Hey Dad-

I have been thinking about you a lot. Lately I have been crying every night. I don't know why but I feel like the pain is getting worse. It has been 6 years already, but I swear I remember it like it was just yesterday. I remember mom waking me and nikki up in the morning saying it wasn't good. I remember Julie driving us to the hospital. I remember going to Walmart to get swim suits because we were going to go to john and shell's and run through the sprinkler, until Dave called my phone and told us to come quick. I remember coming to the hospital scared of what might come next. I wanted to run out to the car to get my CD that has the song "Dance with my father" that I really wanted you to hear. Right as we were going to get on the elevator grandma yelled to have everyone come back into the room, we all new it was bad. I remember running back into the room, throwing myself on top on you at the end of the bed yelling "DADDY, PLEASE DON'T GO", but then you did. Hearing you take your last breath, was like getting my heart ripped out of my chest. I remember laying there at the end of your bed crying and crying and crying, hoping and praying you were going to come back. I needed you, mom needed you, connor, alexa, and tori needed you. We needed you to be there for us, to cook me steak and tell me who I could and couldn't date, you needed to coach tori and connor's softball and baseball teams, you needed to watch alexa perform just ONE more time, mom needed your help to keep me out of trouble. It's not fair. It's not fair that such an amazing guy like you had to go. It's not fair that alexa, tori, and I will never get to have you walk us down the isle or have our father daughter dance, it's not fair that you will not get to see what a good pitcher connor is or see what an amazing guy he has become. it's not fair that Kenra will never get to hear your laugh or have you give her one of those amazing hugs you gave. Dad I miss you so much and want you hear to tell me everything will be okay.
Kenzi Kern

I read this and the "Dear Daddy" post almost everyday right before I post roll. I cannot imagine knowingly doing this to my daughter. My God the part about Kenzi throwing herself on the bed screaming "don't go" is enough to make the toughest SOB that ever walked this earth start sobbing like a little girl. Thankfully, I've come to my senses and with the help of this site I have begun the journey of taking back my life forever with a simple daily promise made to people I have never and will most likely never meet. I hope the Good Lord will see fit to make my quit in time. If not, then I will lie in the bed that I have made knowing that I was strong enough (all be it late) to kick that bitch to the curb once and for all. I will no longer play a staring role in own demise and my daughter and wife's anguish. I'm posting this for me as i'm nearing on the Day 10 mark. However, I'm also putting in our HOF group to remind everyone what we here for as we head into another weekend. This is not a game. This is our lives and none of us knows which dip will de "the one" to do us in. Therefore, I reaffirm to myslef and anyone who cares to read this - I HAVE NOT STOPPED DIPPING (been there, done that, and went back). I AM QUIT. FOR ONE BUT ME, CAUSE THERE'S SO MUCH SHIT I WANT TO DO B4 I'M WORM FOOD. Have a great weekend and I'll see everyone on roll.

Anyone that can read those posts and think about dipping that shit again is a doosh. I read their posts every chance I get. When I think this is easy and I have it kicked I go read.

The bitch is sneaky and will whisper in your ear for a long time to come. We all need something to keep us grounded and this certainly will do that.

Heartbreaking....

[captnncoke13]

Hey Dad-

I have been thinking about you a lot. Lately I have been crying every night. I don't know why but I feel like the pain is getting worse. It has been 6 years already, but I swear I remember it like it was just yesterday. I remember mom waking me and nikki up in the morning saying it wasn't good. I remember Julie driving us to the hospital. I remember going to Walmart to get swim suits because we were going to go to john and shell's and run through the sprinkler, until Dave called my phone and told us to come quick. I remember coming to the hospital scared of what might come next. I wanted to run out to the car to get my CD that has the song "Dance with my father" that I really wanted you to hear. Right as we were going to get on the elevator grandma yelled to have everyone come back into the room, we all new it was bad. I remember running back into the room, throwing myself on top on you at the end of the bed yelling "DADDY, PLEASE DON'T GO", but then you did. Hearing you take your last breath, was like getting my heart ripped out of my chest. I remember laying there at the end of your bed crying and crying and crying, hoping and praying you were going to come back. I needed you, mom needed you, connor, alexa, and tori needed you. We needed you to be there for us, to cook me steak and tell me who I could and couldn't date, you needed to coach tori and connor's softball and baseball teams, you needed to watch alexa perform just ONE more time, mom needed your help to keep me out of trouble. It's not fair. It's not fair that such an amazing guy like you had to go. It's not fair that alexa, tori, and I will never get to have you walk us down the isle or have our father daughter dance, it's not fair that you will not get to see what a good pitcher connor is or see what an amazing guy he has become. it's not fair that Kenra will never get to hear your laugh or have you give her one of those amazing hugs you gave. Dad I miss you so much and want you hear to tell me everything will be okay.
Kenzi Kern

I read this and the "Dear Daddy" post almost everyday right before I post roll. I cannot imagine knowingly doing this to my daughter. My God the part about Kenzi throwing herself on the bed screaming "don't go" is enough to make the toughest SOB that ever walked this earth start sobbing like a little girl. Thankfully, I've come to my senses and with the help of this site I have begun the journey of taking back my life forever with a simple daily promise made to people I have never and will most likely never meet. I hope the Good Lord will see fit to make my quit in time. If not, then I will lie in the bed that I have made knowing that I was strong enough (all be it late) to kick that bitch to the curb once and for all. I will no longer play a staring role in own demise and my daughter and wife's anguish. I'm posting this for me as i'm nearing on the Day 10 mark. However, I'm also putting in our HOF group to remind everyone what we here for as we head into another weekend. This is not a game. This is our lives and none of us knows which dip will de "the one" to do us in. Therefore, I reaffirm to myslef and anyone who cares to read this - I HAVE NOT STOPPED DIPPING (been there, done that, and went back). I AM QUIT. FOR ONE BUT ME, CAUSE THERE'S SO MUCH SHIT I WANT TO DO B4 I'M WORM FOOD. Have a great weekend and I'll see everyone on roll.

[captnncoke13]

Hey Dad-

I have been thinking about you a lot. Lately I have been crying every night. I don't know why but I feel like the pain is getting worse. It has been 6 years already, but I swear I remember it like it was just yesterday. I remember mom waking me and nikki up in the morning saying it wasn't good. I remember Julie driving us to the hospital. I remember going to Walmart to get swim suits because we were going to go to john and shell's and run through the sprinkler, until Dave called my phone and told us to come quick. I remember coming to the hospital scared of what might come next. I wanted to run out to the car to get my CD that has the song "Dance with my father" that I really wanted you to hear. Right as we were going to get on the elevator grandma yelled to have everyone come back into the room, we all new it was bad. I remember running back into the room, throwing myself on top on you at the end of the bed yelling "DADDY, PLEASE DON'T GO", but then you did. Hearing you take your last breath, was like getting my heart ripped out of my chest. I remember laying there at the end of your bed crying and crying and crying, hoping and praying you were going to come back. I needed you, mom needed you, connor, alexa, and tori needed you. We needed you to be there for us, to cook me steak and tell me who I could and couldn't date, you needed to coach tori and connor's softball and baseball teams, you needed to watch alexa perform just ONE more time, mom needed your help to keep me out of trouble. It's not fair. It's not fair that such an amazing guy like you had to go. It's not fair that alexa, tori, and I will never get to have you walk us down the isle or have our father daughter dance, it's not fair that you will not get to see what a good pitcher connor is or see what an amazing guy he has become. it's not fair that Kenra will never get to hear your laugh or have you give her one of those amazing hugs you gave. Dad I miss you so much and want you hear to tell me everything will be okay.
Kenzi Kern

[captnncoke13]

Thanks John. Best decision u ever made. Just sent you a message. Check your Inbox (upper right).

[johnnywadd]

Captn, you made the first day hell a bit better with that list. Thanks.
John

[captnncoke13]

Things I do not miss about chewing:
1) Lying to wife that I quit over 7 years ago
2) Hiding it from other family and friends (even those who dipped) so that they wouldn't think I was still using
3) Wiping the dead skin from inside my cheeks each morning
4) Trying to lightly brush it off light colored pants so that it wouldn't stain
5) Showing up late to work to that I could get one in
6) Taking the long way home so that I could get one in
7) Waking up w/ King Kong Ass breath - mmmm sexy
8) Going for a drive or into the basement so that I could "deal" just to sneak one
9) Having to keep my truck a mess so the wife wouldn't want to ride in it in fear that she would find my hidden tin or spitter
10) Getting out of bed in the middle of the night to make sure I didn't leave any evidence out where she could find it
11) Looking at myself in the mirror asking "what's if gonna be, u gonna quit this shit or is it gonna quit you?" and having to look away cause I knew the answer
12) Hiding my bank statement so wife wouldn't see all the $4+ changes from the c store
13) Walking into the c store and the guy instantly reaching for my brand of poison
14) Having to get my gums grafted since I wore them out on the 2 corner teeth
15) Advoiding the dentist like the plague
16) Making up lame excuses to take 2 cars so I could bow down nic
17) Having my daughter ride w/ my wife or stay home so that I could throw one in on the ride
18) Lying to myself that I'm not an addict, I can quit at any time, it more about the oral fixation than the nic, and on and on...
19) Being a hyprocrite for looking down on my old man for being overweight, unemployed, and still smoking multiple packs a day while putting this shit in my face - WHAT A FUCKING JOKE I AM
20) Not being ready to die, but (until now) not being ready to quit - Smell that, smells a lot like PUSSY
21) Being sick at the type of man I am because I wasn't strong enough to throw the gorilla off my back once and for all

[captnncoke13]

Day 17 - man it feels like forever that I haven't shoved that shit in my lip, but when you say 17 days it doesn't seem all that long. Maybe becasue it one of if not the longest stretch I've gone without it. Amazing to think about how long I poisoned myself. The sheer economics of it are staggering - a tin a day for 15 years at $4 a tin is $21,900 in take home pay which is roughly $28K gross. The best part about that is for most of those years I was dead broke. My stupidity and hypocrocy will never cease to amaze me. I am using the fake herbal stuff more than I like, but it's helping keep me quit so phuck it. I find that if I keep it in for a long time that my cheeks get sore which is a bit unsetteling. Anyway, I'm thinking about trying the jerkey chew.

Last football season my dad and I went to a Giant's game. I had gotten to a point where I was hiding my addiction from everyone so that they would think that I quit. I made it the whole day without one but, on the way home from the game we stopped for gas and I couldn't stand the headache any longer so I went in and bought a tin. He said "I thought you quit". To which I replied "Yeah, its a process". Later on that night, I was so pissed at myself for that statement and for him readily agreeing with me - he is a multi-pack smoker of reds for all my life (37 years) and then some. This is the rationalization that us addicts use to pussy out of a quit. NEVER AGAIN!!!

Bumping this up

[captnncoke13]

So, here I am on Day 16.  It has been the best decision I’ve ever made.  I’m only at this point in large part to this site and the members both newbies and vets.  I’ve bought into posting roll and what it signifies and it has gotten me through some rough times that in the past would have seen my quit some to an end. 

The other night, me and the wife (been married for almost 6 years) got into a rather large dust up over the most stupid shit ever.  Anyway, she said some totally uncalled for shit.  Shit in the past that would have had me in my truck going to “buy a soda” – what I told her I was doing while going to either buy a tin or have a chew or both.  This lie is another part of the 7-year cover-up.  Instead, I told her where she could go and how to get there and retreated to my man cave, throw in a huge chew of fake stuff and read the site.  I was proud of myself for not giving in like I have some many times before.  I’m doing this for me so that I don’t miss out on the finer parts of life with my family.  No matter what she says when she’s pissed, she is still the 2nd best thing that has happened to me behind my daughter and all she has to do is give me that little girls smile for me to forget why I was so pissed at her in the first place.

Thank you KTC and all my quit brothers and sisters for helping me get this far.  One day at a time, together, we’ll get to where we want to be.

Bumping this up.

Lets try this again

[captnncoke13]

My name is Chuck and I am a nicotine gutter junkie. Surprisingly it took me over 15 years to be able to admit that. The inability to come to terms with this simply fact has been the root cause of failure for previous quits - that and me being too weak to not give in.

I started using in high school. A couple of my hockey teammates always dipped so I tried it, but only a handful of times since each time I did I thought I was going to throw up. Looking back that should have been a huge warning sign to run the other way, but my dumb ass didn't. Then I went to college and with more free time and freedom I began using more but nothing that I would call regular. I don't remember buying tins very often. I usually just bummed it off friends when we were drinking. My family hit some tough time economically and I had to leave school to go to work. After about a year or so I began attending a school near my house. It was during this time that I think (kind of foggy all these years later) I began regular usage and my addiction. And although IÂ’ve stopped chewing a couple of times for a couple weeks or even a month I was never successful in quitting.

While I was dating my wife I hid it from her. Well, she caught me one night and said it was either her or the chew. So I stopped for a couple days and then went back to it just being more careful not to get caught. I’ve been hiding it from her for something over 7 years. Not sure how I was able to do it for that long without getting caught, but I’ve been lying to the woman I love for most of the time we’ve been together. We have a 2 and ½ y/o daughter who is one of the best kids I’ve ever met (yeah I know I’m her dad, but I’d be saying this even if she wasn’t). And still I couldn’t commit to quit. The last couple of months my cheeks and gums were getting sore more often and staying sore for longer.

Then on Sunday night June 27 2010 as I laid in bed feeling the inside of my sore cheeks with my tongue I decided that the dip I just finished would be my last. I prayed to God to do what he could to see that I quit in time to not get the Big C. We’re all gonna die. I finally made the choice to not have my weakness play a role in my demise any longer. I just hope that I quit in time, but that remains to be seen. I quit for me because I didn’t want my little girl to know what life was like without her daddy. I didn’t want her to have to go through the pain of understanding what death meant. I didn’t want my wife to have to struggle with the question “Mommy, where’s daddy and when’s he coming back.” I quit for me so that I can witness each of her milestones in living color. I didn’t want to burden my wife with being a single parent. I decided to finally be a real man and take control of my life back.

bumping this up

[captnncoke13]

So, here I am on Day 16. It has been the best decision IÂ’ve ever made. IÂ’m only at this point in large part to this site and the members both newbies and vets. IÂ’ve bought into posting roll and what it signifies and it has gotten me through some rough times that in the past would have seen my quit some to an end.

The other night, me and the wife (been married for almost 6 years) got into a rather large dust up over the most stupid shit ever. Anyway, she said some totally uncalled for shit. Shit in the past that would have had me in my truck going to “buy a soda” – what I told her I was doing while going to either buy a tin or have a chew or both. This lie is another part of the 7-year cover-up. Instead, I told her where she could go and how to get there and retreated to my man cave, throw in a huge chew of fake stuff and read the site. I was proud of myself for not giving in like I have some many times before. I’m doing this for me so that I don’t miss out on the finer parts of life with my family. No matter what she says when she’s pissed, she is still the 2nd best thing that has happened to me behind my daughter and all she has to do is give me that little girls smile for me to forget why I was so pissed at her in the first place.

Thank you KTC and all my quit brothers and sisters for helping me get this far. One day at a time, together, weÂ’ll get to where we want to be.

Bumping this up.