The Return of the Tstahr
(Coach Steve wakes up and opens his eyes to blurrily make out a human shape in the corner of the roomÂ…..itÂ’s Tstahr)
CS: {groggy} WhaÂ…Â…what is going on?
Tstahr: {putting his hand on CSÂ’s shoulder} Just lie back and relaxÂ….itÂ’ll all be clear soonÂ….
CS: {looking around} But where am IÂ…..
Tstahr: {chuckling} Oh Coach SteveÂ….such a short memory?
CS: Short memory?
Tstahr: {leaning forward} CoachÂ….youÂ’re in my dream sequence
CS: What the fuck does that have to do with a short memory?
Tstahr: {leaning back into his chair} Hahaha! Coach, you always cracked me up! You apparently donÂ’t remember the Inner Sanctum of InsanityÂ…
CS: Well I donÂ’tÂ…Â…
Tstahr: CoachÂ…..think very hard
CS: {tilting his head in thought} I still donÂ’tÂ…...
Tstahr: Does ‘mud boner’ ring a bell?
CS: NoÂ…..this couldnÂ’t beÂ…
Tstahr: You got it CoachÂ….this is the HOF speech that never became reality
CS: SoÂ…..why me? Why not Beast or ERDVM or Bird?
Tstahr: Well Coach, to be honest, youÂ’re my kind of crazyÂ…and you have that narrative thing you do with your words
CS: So IÂ’m here to finish this HOF speech?
Tstahr: Now youÂ’re catching onÂ…except I have three rules, whatever you do, you cannot divulge these three secrets
CS: You know I canÂ’t promise that...
Tstahr: {putting his finger to CSÂ’s lips} ShhhhhÂ….just listen
CS: Mmghgmm
Tstahr: {releasing his finger from CSÂ’s lips} Number oneÂ…. HipsterÂ’s launch codesÂ….
CS: But Terry!?
Tstahr: NoÂ…itÂ’s not right CoachÂ…and you know it
CS: OkÂ….and the next?
Tstahr: DennisÂ’s HOF speechÂ….
CS: The bear pincher?
Tstahr: YesÂ…do you remember RemshotÂ’s heart-felt (Goodell-esque) clarification of what constitutes a HOF speech?
CS: Well not really, that shitty explanation was like three years agoÂ…
Tstahr: Coach! Do not interruptÂ….I donÂ’t have much time
CS: What the fuck do you mean you donÂ’t have much time?
Tstahr: {pointing to the window} Just look outsideÂ…
{Coach Steve peers out of the third story window of the Glass House}
Tstahr: Now do you understand?
CS: All I see is Gmann eating a hotdog with his shirt off
Tstahr: What? This isnÂ’t right!
{Just then, ERDVM aka Vadge, Cbird and Bigwhitebeast aka BWB aka Ghey Name walk into the room}
Vadge: Sorry Terry, we tried to get the little person eating a hotdog that you requested, but it just didnÂ’t work out
Cbird: Chewie said we couldnÂ’t use midgets
Vadge: {slapping Cbird on the shoulder} Dude! They’re called ‘little people’
BWB: I crap little people
Vadge: Seriously Beast, this is why you donÂ’t get to talk
BWB: IÂ’m talking right now
Tstahr: Guys enough! Can someone tell me what is going on?
Cbird: Well Vadge here said you needed a midget eating a corndog to complete the HOF Speech you never got to writeÂ…
Tstahr: AndÂ…..
Cbird: And like I said, Chewie said no midgets. We had Loot signed up, but then heÂ…well you know
CS: {looking down} GuysÂ….how did I end up in a bathtub full of mud?
Tstahr:This entire HOF Speech is falling apartÂ…
{Just then, Texasjack runs into the room}
Texasjack: Guys, guys! I just saw Gmann eating a hot dog in the driveway!
Tstahr: SighÂ….really guys, Gmann is the best you could do?
Vadge: Sorry budÂ….we triedÂ….
{Just then, Bluebonnetman busts up in the room and starts preaching and shit}
Blue: Well praise the Glass House gloryhole!
CS: Uhhh, what?
Blue: OhÂ…uhhhÂ…..I guess thatÂ’s in VadgeÂ’s mind?
CS: So weÂ’re venturing into other minds now?
Tstahr: Guys! Can we focus on the HOF Speech here?
CS: YouÂ’re right Terry, where do we go from Gmann eating a hotdog?
Tstahr: WellÂ….I guess we didnÂ’t get any farther than thatÂ…..
CS: What is there to add?
Tstahr: DonÂ’t just wish you had, be glad you did
