I believe that I should introduce myself to the group. Many of the things about me, will relate to your own personal experience, some I am sure will not. I am an addict in the true sense of the word. However, my addiction and how I began that journey may in some ways vary from your own. I grew up in a military household in which my father died in front of me at a very young age. He was 45, and I was 7. My mother pretty much lost it, and I had three older brothers who blazed a trail with what I thought was a normal way of life. My earliest memory of flirting with nicotine was when me and the bankerÂ’s son, we were only nine or ten, went into the local Safeway store and stole a pile of different types of cigarettes. It was summer and we took them over to the middle school. The school was half way between the store and home. We hid out and smoked a bunch of them. Needless to say I went home sick, throwing up, and in general; high as I could be. This started the process of many highs well into the future. By the time I was twelve, I had started smoking weed daily, by the time I was fifteen I had used about every drug a person could imagine. I took after my older brothers, who were not shy about sharing their multiple stashes or connections. We were a well to do family, money, political prestige, and could get away with about anything. My best friendÂ’s uncle owned the biggest gun store in six states. I did not have to work, all I had to do was worry about my next high. Time passed, relationships passed, money was lost/pissed away, multiple friends were dead and buried. I had a Gorilla riding on my shoulder with an insatiable appetite. Again, I was not constrained by work or finances; marijuana, cocaine, methamphetamines, prescription drugs, alcohol, non-filter Camels/Kools, and fast cars were my daily companions. Many law enforcement entities had their eye on us, you donÂ’t walk in and out of six building full of guns and ammo doing the things we were doing without attracting attention. Multiple relationships, heart breaks, self-created chaos, dreams of prison, and misery were soon to follow. Let me cut this short, I screwed up and lost what I perceived as a love of a lifetime. About two weeks before my twenty-fifth birthday, my best friend and I left the exÂ’s house in his grandmas dodge acclaim. On the way home, we took O highway which we treated as our own personal race track. We were hammered drunk. Needless to say, we came off a sweeping 90* at 105, launched in the air, took one foot off the top of the first hedge post, snapped the second in half, took the third off even with the ground, and wrapped the car around the fourth. My knees took out the dash, and I picked glass out of my hair for a year. I got out telling my buddy what a pussy he was for not keeping the car on the corner. The next day, what a fuck-up I am. This has got to end, I am almost twenty-five, no prospects, no future; fucking dumb ass. The quit; tried not to drink, had a smoke and drank, tried not to smoke, had a drink and then a smoke. Determination and twenty-fifth birthday resolution: I am not nor will I drink, I cannot manage myself; I cannot smoke, I will have to have a drink. It is almost twenty five years later, I have the best wife I could ever imagine, deserve, or could have hoped for, I have worked multiple career paths and am now in a cutting edge position and one step under a psychologist, I try to volunteer and give back to others on a daily basis. Other than my immediate family, I am pretty much alone. I have been pulling from this site for over a year to help others quit with their addiction to nicotine. Myself, I signed up at the prodding of Cmark after I caught myself eyeing the left overs in a bottle of Jack Daniels my wife has sitting in the freezer in the garage. I think joining a great line of successful quitters is one of the best things that I can do for myself and my family. I will not turn back, I know my Gorilla all to well. I quit all things with you today, and every day. This is my word and I will stand by it.
I have been thinking about adding to my introduction as a way to encourage others that life happens, and that we can manage to stay sober and clean thru our circumstances as they occur. When I started my journey of getting clean, I moved to Colorado, I attempted to go back to school, while working in construction. Most of the way through my associates degree in automotive technology, I was injured at work. I had my right arm go numb to the finger tips. I ended up with my arm in a cast sticking straight out for over three months, I was informed that I could not perform my duties I had been trained for. I became very depressed, unable to sleep due to the cast, the pain, and medical doctors telling me I was looking at losing the ability to use my right arm (hanging at my side with no use). I did have a surgery that helped with the pain, numbness, and the ability to use my arm; however, my physicians were trying to get me to accept a life of disability; they were encouraging me to apply for Social Security Disability. These were dark times for me, I could not believe that I had lived thru so much, yet facing the end of really living a meaningful life. I refused to give up on myself and life, yes I was still smoking a little weed, but I was not going to go back to drinking, smoking, and doing other things. I refused to believe that my life and living would be over. I was healing, I did not sign up for disability. I knew that I could not afford to live decently in Colorado on a degree I could not use and unable to do construction. I moved back to Missouri, found myself seeing friends who were still drinking and drugging. I found a job in Kansas City running equipment, I isolated myself from those I cared and loved. I knew I could not hang around with them. I felt very alone, but I knew I could not be around the booze and nicotine. I would be right back where I started.
I eventually ended up marrying the love of my life in a bizarre and tough way. Her grandmother Meme had been on us about when we would marry. I told her maybe in the fall. She informed me that stuff happens and that she may not be around, I blew that off. I received a call Meme was in ICU dying, the family gathered at her bedside, she was comatose. My fiancé and I found the hospital clergy and had a ceremony at her bedside in ICU. We were told she would not know what was happening, some family members were angry. We did it anyways. During the ceremony, I hear my sister in-law say, “Oh my God, she is crying” Meme had tears streaming down her face. My wife was here primary on her living will, she ordered life support measures removed right after the ceremony. Two hours later, she was gone. Due to not having a marriage license, we had to re-perform the ceremony. At the second ceremony, my mother was unable to attend from CO. Two hours before the ceremony, I received a call that my mother had a massive heart attack and they did not know if she would survive. I waited until the start time of the ceremony before I received a call that she was not well but in ICU. I was late to my own wedding. We performed the ceremony, cancelled all the honeymoon plans, I was in Denver 8.5 hours later. I spoke to her one time before she ended up on a ventilator. I lost my mother three days later. My three brothers showed up 15 minutes after she had died. We both looked at the deaths as a reunification of the ones we loved the most, with the ones they loved the most.
Now, my mother was the glue of our family and she had put me, the youngest, in charge of her estate. My oldest brother who was a multi-millionaire was pissed, my other brothers were angry too. Since that time, I have had little to no contact with my family.
About seven months after our second marriage, we bought a house together. Six months after that, my wife fell head first down the basement steps into a steel cabinet. She suffered a Traumatic Brain Injury. She could not walk for three months or drive for nine months. I had to spend a lot of time at home. I eventually had to pay someone to live with us to help carry her to the bathroom and back, feed her, and keep an eye on her. The rest is just another story, you can imagine the debt racked up and different losses and difficulties life presented for me to be where I am today. My point is, that no matter what life threw at me, I did not go back to drinking, or smoking. I held on white knuckling it at times, just trying to get thru each day, one day at a time. If someone like me can go thru these things, all alone, and keep it together; you can too.
