I caved last night. I had a gin and tonic at an event and needed to stop for on my way home for gas. I took the opportunity to buy and use a can. I had a number I could text, but I chose not to. I also had the contract in my wallet, and I avoided reading it.
I immediately regretted it. Afterwards, I couldn't shake the feeling that not only had I stepped back into bondage, but that I had been on a streak, had been feeling good, and then jeopardized what was probably my best chance at being a lifetime quitter (I'm assuming caving gets even easier after you have already caved once) for a quick hit that I knew I wouldn't enjoy.
Now I really want to quit. More than I did before. The past five days had been great. I felt free. I didn't miss dip the way that I thought I would. I felt like a different person. Obviously, I'm not a different person yet, but I'd like to pay the piper and get back in the saddle with the rest of you. Here are a couple of things I have been holding back:
1) I have a reunion with my former college roommates from August 6th - 11th. I haven't seen these guys for a two years, and I was relishing the idea of a week with the boys away from the wives. I've been looking forward to dipping over this trip. I've been afraid to tell them I quit because I know they will hold me to it. In all honesty, I've essentially been planning on caving during that trip. So I guess the last five days were a lie anyways. I will email all of them today and inform them I won't be dipping over the trip.
2) I need to take an extended break from alcohol. Over the last five days my cravings were actually fairly minimal. I probably wrestled with it three times (including last night), and each of the cravings was preceded by a drink of some sort. Going forward, I am also going to promise not to drink for the first fifty days of my quit with the exception of the week of my reunion in August. Over the week, I will have five guys with me at all times ensuring I don't dip.
Finally, I'm not sure where to go from here. Do I need to rejoin a new quit group? My 100 day mark will no longer be in October. I heard I need to answer three questions, but I'm not even sure what they are.