The road has come to an end. But then again it has only begun. As the end approached I feared the beginning of the new road that life is bringing.
The familiar crutch that I trusted so. I have no way of knowing to where I should go. This is real now No more hiding from it. Time to face the road and make the best of it. The advice I've gotten and the lessons learned I hope have some value on the road made of turns.
My name is 'Kangy', I am 25 years old and have been dipping Copenhagen long cut for 7 years now. On average about 4-6 cans a week. The only time I have actually stopped was for 3 months in Marine Corps boot camp. Why I started back up the day I graduated I have no idea. But it stuck with me, controlling my life. If I wasn't eating, drinking, or sleeping, I either had a dip in my lip or was counting down the moments until I could put another one in. It was who I was, it was part of me. It wasn't just a habit, it had become a required routine. First thought upon waking up was "where is my can", and in that state of mind I remained until taking out the last dip before bed.
It caused problems with my wife, (fiancé at the time), when I hid it from her after promising to quit. I was so embarrassed that I had failed I couldn't tell her, so the addiction took over and I hid it from her, I almost lost the love of my life over the can. But no fucking more will I be controlled by Copenhagen. I have told myself time and time again; usually while buying a fresh can "this is my last one" I'd promise myself. But before that can would even run dry I would be in line at the gas station so heaven forbid I got caught off guard by an empty can. I spent 3 years away from family in friends overseas while serving my country; I made it through boot camp, combat training, multiple survival schools, pow training, and more. How can I make it through all of that and still have the first thought in my mind be "where's my can I need a dip"
People, even family and friends, they say they don't understand, why is it that hard. I don't know the answer to that, I don't, It shouldn't be that hard, but it is and it is killing me knowing that there is one thing that I have no control over, that is not me, but yet, that is who I had become, A slave to the can.
I had added up the costs I had spent and what I could save. After all I have a baby on the way, and all that did was make me more pissed at myself, which made me crave the sensation of nicotine even more. I had become a monster; I knew I couldn't dip forever. I read all the warnings, heard all the lectures, I knew it was wrong, I knew it was bad, I knew it would kill me, But why, knowing I could die was that not enough to stop.
Out of the blue one day I was ready, why after everything, reading, knowing, being told, seeing the repercussions of my actions, was I never ready before. I don't have an answer to that, and don't know that I ever will. But I knew at that moment that I was ready for a change. It surprised my wife when I told her, she smiled, but it was more of an uneasy smile. I told her it was time, she asked why and I told her I do not know, but I do know it is time. I dumped the rest of the can that night after she went to bed. I had to do it on my own, for me, I told her. I left her the empty can with a note saying I love you, I will need you help with this.
And that was two days ago on the 27th.
