Well I guess I should simply start from the beginning... It was late summer/early fall 8 years ago. I had just put a close to my 2year marriage. I had gotten everything out of the deal but a coffee table and a jewelry cabinet. Yet it was still one of the lowest times in my life. My life as a family man had been ripped in two. A friend of mine was over at the house and as usual we were getting pretty sauced on whiskey and lonestar when he mentioned that we should get some dip. Hell why not? My life to me seemed to be in the gutter, and what better way to feel better than to do something that was going to give me additional pain. He was off to the ice house and came back with a can of Skoal Straight long cut. The pain I felt in my lip and gums somehow seemed to take my mind off of the other daily emotional pains I'd been feeling for the past year. It was great. It gave me a quick rush, followed by a headache, queasy stomach and a sore mouth. Like I said it was a rough time and all these horrible feelings actually felt good and kept my mind off of things.
From there I felt the need to force myself into the addiction for the simple fact that it helped me cope with life. I've always been a quiet, keep to myself, kind of guy. I like to fix things myself and no reason to ask for help. Figure it out and get it done kind of guy. So there I was, nervous as hell buying dip for the first couple months. I remember being embarrassed knowing that it was a disgusting act to partake in and remember the crazy looks I would get from the old ladies behind the counter when I would place my order.
Those days turned into weeks, weeks to months, and months to years of hiding a stupid addiction from my family and loved ones. I could care less about their feelings or my health. Thinking that even if I got cancer... I would most definitely still feed my addiction and probably dip even more than ever just to keep my mind off the bad times. I've spent extra time away from my loved ones and have completely planned my days so that I could have a peaceful dip to 'clear my mind'. The peaceful dip that gave me that rush, relaxed my tension, gave me that headache, heartburn and sore mouth that kept my mind off all the stressful things in life.
So today is day two of quit. The battle in my brain is completely insane. I've quit because I absolutely hated the feeling that I was forcing on myself after every dip. After the initial rush I completely hated everything else that came with a pinch. Why am I doing this to myself? I'm not quitting for anybody else but myself. Not my 10yr old son, not my fiancé, not my grandfather that has passed away from lung cancer, not anyone. So far my brain has been in a complete haze that I cannot snap out of. Work is quite the struggle. I can't get started and once I do I can't follow through. Sometimes the haze fades and I begin to see things like I've never seen them before. The sky is literally more blue than I have ever seen, the birds seem to have a different song to sing, my feet feel lighter, and I feel like I'm thinking more clearly than ever before. Then I begin to thing about a clearer way to knock out that idiot that all of the sudden , and for no apparent reason, is annoying the hell out of me. It's a constant back and forth issue. For the obvious reason of making a living I hope that these feelings will eventually just go away so that I can function and stay on task.
I've been using smokey mountain snuff for the oral fixation. It's nice to just put in a pinch to ease the tension and not have the side effects. I don't have the urge to go back to the real deal other than to try and clear my brain. But I'm in it for the long haul. I'm the type that always puts myself last and will do anything to help out anyone in need, but I've quickly realized that I must put myself and my problems first to get through this. I've basically shut myself down and become completely selfish. Other than the obvious responsibilities, it's all about me getting myself through this.
