Stone Cold Can Killer

[Tuco]

One critique...go easy on the booze. You mention being hungover. Alcohol has killed a billion quits here. Go easy on it or consider stopping booze for awhile. Being sober gives you the advantage of clear-headed logic, and it pushes nic temptations away.

Thanks, Zillah, and well ahead of you on that one. I know me, and I know that alcohol is a HUGE trigger. I haven't had a drop since I quit the dip for precisely that reason. My craves have been bad enough - the last thing I need is to pile on and make them worse with a beer or two. I'm going to slow my roll for a good while until my feet are firmly planted and I've got my sea legs back. Even then, it's something where I know I have to proceed with extreme caution.

[ZillahCowboy]

Still getting a feel for this place, so my apologies in advance if this isn't where these things go. It's getting late, but I wanted to post about today while it's still fresh in my mind so I can go back to it later at some point down the road.

Today being the fifth day of my quit, had to have been the worst thus far. Day 1 was a relative breeze, because frankly, I was hungover and tired and probably wouldn't have dipped that day regardless. It almost feels like cheating to me now. Days 2 and 3 were pretty much as I expected - just a constant humming in every muscle fiber as the needle on the nicotine gauge had been firmly settled on "E" for a few days. Today was just, I don't know. Scary craves. Intense physical ones where I literally felt as if someone or something was trying to lift my head and my arms out of the chair and away to someplace else. Like I was losing control of my own body and had to force myself to stay seated. They came in a number of waves as the afternoon progressed into the evening, and I burned through an entire pack of trident in the process. By the time the wife and kid got home and it was on to the nightly routine, the craves had pretty much subsided. I need to try and figure out what might have been the trigger for those so I can get a better handle on them next time.

In other news, I finally laid all of my cards out on the table to the wife. Fuck me, that's a conversation I fully intend never to repeat. She was pretty pissed, and understandably so. I'd been ninja dipping for several months and sneaking off like a turd to do it when she thought that I had been quit the whole time. She asked how she could possibly help keep me accountable when it was clear that if I really wanted to, I could sneak a dip at any time. I told her I really didn't know beyond, "keep asking, keep pressing, and if something truly doesn't seem right, it probably isn't." Tough thing to admit, but there it is. The part that she doesn't get is that by her simply knowing and understanding that there is a stupid addict side to me, that helps keep me accountable. As long as I'm making a solemn promise and renewing it each day, she deserves to hear and hold me to it just as much as you cats.

Totally agree. First, this is exactly where you should put this kind of post. Second, you're not the only one.

Afer 4+ years of Quit, and recently celebrating my 15th anniversary, my wife is still suspicious. I lied to her for 11 years. 11 years. 11 YEARS! I told her countless times, "I quit", or when she would kiss me, and ask me, "Do you have a dip in?" I'd look her right in the face, with a fat turd in my lip and say, "NO!"

The fights. Oh, the fights.

The deciept, and trust issues we still have...

But you know what, Tuco? We're getting better. It's a long road, but one well worth walking. Every day I keep that shit outta my face, is a day I get better, and me being better is better for her, and my kids.

Keep fighting bro.

Tuco I don't mean to hijack your intro thread, but man Nolaq did you bring back some shitty memories for me. I lied to my wife's face so many fucking times....What a small fucking cunt I was. Being able to be honest is probably reason number one I am glad to be quit.

So Tuco back to you, the only thing to do is keep fucking grinding, and keep your with up on your quit. Show her the site, show hger your posts, tell her what day you are on. Although she may be pissed at first, eventually she will come along. Day 5 is probably the worst. If it doesn't get better tomorrow it will soon. Keep fighting brutha.

Tuco,

I never was a ninja, my wife knew each and every time I had a gross piece of crap in my lip. So I never had the 'come clean' speech. But I do have to say from those on here that I have seen make that speech to their loved one, it has helped them tremendously.

It is another step in the end of lying to those we love. It will take time to win back the 100% trust, but give it time, and as I have seen in others it does get better and better.

and things like that are always great to get off one's chest.

will stand right beside you today in the quit life

Tuco,
Nice start to your quit. I'll also congratulate on the honesty phase. Honesty with loved ones. Honesty with self. It turns a new card in your life and leads to happiness. One critique...go easy on the booze. You mention being hungover. Alcohol has killed a billion quits here. Go easy on it or consider stopping booze for awhile. Being sober gives you the advantage of clear-headed logic, and it pushes nic temptations away.

You are starting to slay the bitch and for that you are to be commended. I'm at 218 days and never thought I'd be here. And I'm around dumbass cowboy dippers all the time in real life. This site is my other real life. The guys and gals changed my life, and they will change yours too. Oh, and one other piece of advice: Never, ever miss roll call. You owe it to yourself and everyone here supporting you. You will succeed. PM me to exchange digits.
QLF with you,
ZillahCowboy.

[SirDerek]

Still getting a feel for this place, so my apologies in advance if this isn't where these things go. It's getting late, but I wanted to post about today while it's still fresh in my mind so I can go back to it later at some point down the road.

Today being the fifth day of my quit, had to have been the worst thus far. Day 1 was a relative breeze, because frankly, I was hungover and tired and probably wouldn't have dipped that day regardless. It almost feels like cheating to me now. Days 2 and 3 were pretty much as I expected - just a constant humming in every muscle fiber as the needle on the nicotine gauge had been firmly settled on "E" for a few days. Today was just, I don't know. Scary craves. Intense physical ones where I literally felt as if someone or something was trying to lift my head and my arms out of the chair and away to someplace else. Like I was losing control of my own body and had to force myself to stay seated. They came in a number of waves as the afternoon progressed into the evening, and I burned through an entire pack of trident in the process. By the time the wife and kid got home and it was on to the nightly routine, the craves had pretty much subsided. I need to try and figure out what might have been the trigger for those so I can get a better handle on them next time.

In other news, I finally laid all of my cards out on the table to the wife. Fuck me, that's a conversation I fully intend never to repeat. She was pretty pissed, and understandably so. I'd been ninja dipping for several months and sneaking off like a turd to do it when she thought that I had been quit the whole time. She asked how she could possibly help keep me accountable when it was clear that if I really wanted to, I could sneak a dip at any time. I told her I really didn't know beyond, "keep asking, keep pressing, and if something truly doesn't seem right, it probably isn't." Tough thing to admit, but there it is. The part that she doesn't get is that by her simply knowing and understanding that there is a stupid addict side to me, that helps keep me accountable. As long as I'm making a solemn promise and renewing it each day, she deserves to hear and hold me to it just as much as you cats.

Totally agree. First, this is exactly where you should put this kind of post. Second, you're not the only one.

Afer 4+ years of Quit, and recently celebrating my 15th anniversary, my wife is still suspicious. I lied to her for 11 years. 11 years. 11 YEARS! I told her countless times, "I quit", or when she would kiss me, and ask me, "Do you have a dip in?" I'd look her right in the face, with a fat turd in my lip and say, "NO!"

The fights. Oh, the fights.

The deciept, and trust issues we still have...

But you know what, Tuco? We're getting better. It's a long road, but one well worth walking. Every day I keep that shit outta my face, is a day I get better, and me being better is better for her, and my kids.

Keep fighting bro.

Tuco I don't mean to hijack your intro thread, but man Nolaq did you bring back some shitty memories for me. I lied to my wife's face so many fucking times....What a small fucking cunt I was. Being able to be honest is probably reason number one I am glad to be quit.

So Tuco back to you, the only thing to do is keep fucking grinding, and keep your with up on your quit. Show her the site, show hger your posts, tell her what day you are on. Although she may be pissed at first, eventually she will come along. Day 5 is probably the worst. If it doesn't get better tomorrow it will soon. Keep fighting brutha.

Tuco,

I never was a ninja, my wife knew each and every time I had a gross piece of crap in my lip. So I never had the 'come clean' speech. But I do have to say from those on here that I have seen make that speech to their loved one, it has helped them tremendously.

It is another step in the end of lying to those we love. It will take time to win back the 100% trust, but give it time, and as I have seen in others it does get better and better.

and things like that are always great to get off one's chest.

will stand right beside you today in the quit life

[Dagranger]

Still getting a feel for this place, so my apologies in advance if this isn't where these things go. It's getting late, but I wanted to post about today while it's still fresh in my mind so I can go back to it later at some point down the road.

Today being the fifth day of my quit, had to have been the worst thus far. Day 1 was a relative breeze, because frankly, I was hungover and tired and probably wouldn't have dipped that day regardless. It almost feels like cheating to me now. Days 2 and 3 were pretty much as I expected - just a constant humming in every muscle fiber as the needle on the nicotine gauge had been firmly settled on "E" for a few days. Today was just, I don't know. Scary craves. Intense physical ones where I literally felt as if someone or something was trying to lift my head and my arms out of the chair and away to someplace else. Like I was losing control of my own body and had to force myself to stay seated. They came in a number of waves as the afternoon progressed into the evening, and I burned through an entire pack of trident in the process. By the time the wife and kid got home and it was on to the nightly routine, the craves had pretty much subsided. I need to try and figure out what might have been the trigger for those so I can get a better handle on them next time.

In other news, I finally laid all of my cards out on the table to the wife. Fuck me, that's a conversation I fully intend never to repeat. She was pretty pissed, and understandably so. I'd been ninja dipping for several months and sneaking off like a turd to do it when she thought that I had been quit the whole time. She asked how she could possibly help keep me accountable when it was clear that if I really wanted to, I could sneak a dip at any time. I told her I really didn't know beyond, "keep asking, keep pressing, and if something truly doesn't seem right, it probably isn't." Tough thing to admit, but there it is. The part that she doesn't get is that by her simply knowing and understanding that there is a stupid addict side to me, that helps keep me accountable. As long as I'm making a solemn promise and renewing it each day, she deserves to hear and hold me to it just as much as you cats.

Totally agree. First, this is exactly where you should put this kind of post. Second, you're not the only one.

Afer 4+ years of Quit, and recently celebrating my 15th anniversary, my wife is still suspicious. I lied to her for 11 years. 11 years. 11 YEARS! I told her countless times, "I quit", or when she would kiss me, and ask me, "Do you have a dip in?" I'd look her right in the face, with a fat turd in my lip and say, "NO!"

The fights. Oh, the fights.

The deciept, and trust issues we still have...

But you know what, Tuco? We're getting better. It's a long road, but one well worth walking. Every day I keep that shit outta my face, is a day I get better, and me being better is better for her, and my kids.

Keep fighting bro.

Tuco I don't mean to hijack your intro thread, but man Nolaq did you bring back some shitty memories for me. I lied to my wife's face so many fucking times....What a small fucking cunt I was. Being able to be honest is probably reason number one I am glad to be quit.

So Tuco back to you, the only thing to do is keep fucking grinding, and keep your with up on your quit. Show her the site, show hger your posts, tell her what day you are on. Although she may be pissed at first, eventually she will come along. Day 5 is probably the worst. If it doesn't get better tomorrow it will soon. Keep fighting brutha.

[Nolaq]

Still getting a feel for this place, so my apologies in advance if this isn't where these things go. It's getting late, but I wanted to post about today while it's still fresh in my mind so I can go back to it later at some point down the road.

Today being the fifth day of my quit, had to have been the worst thus far. Day 1 was a relative breeze, because frankly, I was hungover and tired and probably wouldn't have dipped that day regardless. It almost feels like cheating to me now. Days 2 and 3 were pretty much as I expected - just a constant humming in every muscle fiber as the needle on the nicotine gauge had been firmly settled on "E" for a few days. Today was just, I don't know. Scary craves. Intense physical ones where I literally felt as if someone or something was trying to lift my head and my arms out of the chair and away to someplace else. Like I was losing control of my own body and had to force myself to stay seated. They came in a number of waves as the afternoon progressed into the evening, and I burned through an entire pack of trident in the process. By the time the wife and kid got home and it was on to the nightly routine, the craves had pretty much subsided. I need to try and figure out what might have been the trigger for those so I can get a better handle on them next time.

In other news, I finally laid all of my cards out on the table to the wife. Fuck me, that's a conversation I fully intend never to repeat. She was pretty pissed, and understandably so. I'd been ninja dipping for several months and sneaking off like a turd to do it when she thought that I had been quit the whole time. She asked how she could possibly help keep me accountable when it was clear that if I really wanted to, I could sneak a dip at any time. I told her I really didn't know beyond, "keep asking, keep pressing, and if something truly doesn't seem right, it probably isn't." Tough thing to admit, but there it is. The part that she doesn't get is that by her simply knowing and understanding that there is a stupid addict side to me, that helps keep me accountable. As long as I'm making a solemn promise and renewing it each day, she deserves to hear and hold me to it just as much as you cats.

Totally agree. First, this is exactly where you should put this kind of post. Second, you're not the only one.

Afer 4+ years of Quit, and recently celebrating my 15th anniversary, my wife is still suspicious. I lied to her for 11 years. 11 years. 11 YEARS! I told her countless times, "I quit", or when she would kiss me, and ask me, "Do you have a dip in?" I'd look her right in the face, with a fat turd in my lip and say, "NO!"

The fights. Oh, the fights.

The deciept, and trust issues we still have...

But you know what, Tuco? We're getting better. It's a long road, but one well worth walking. Every day I keep that shit outta my face, is a day I get better, and me being better is better for her, and my kids.

Keep fighting bro.

[Tuco]

Still getting a feel for this place, so my apologies in advance if this isn't where these things go. It's getting late, but I wanted to post about today while it's still fresh in my mind so I can go back to it later at some point down the road.

Today being the fifth day of my quit, had to have been the worst thus far. Day 1 was a relative breeze, because frankly, I was hungover and tired and probably wouldn't have dipped that day regardless. It almost feels like cheating to me now. Days 2 and 3 were pretty much as I expected - just a constant humming in every muscle fiber as the needle on the nicotine gauge had been firmly settled on "E" for a few days. Today was just, I don't know. Scary craves. Intense physical ones where I literally felt as if someone or something was trying to lift my head and my arms out of the chair and away to someplace else. Like I was losing control of my own body and had to force myself to stay seated. They came in a number of waves as the afternoon progressed into the evening, and I burned through an entire pack of trident in the process. By the time the wife and kid got home and it was on to the nightly routine, the craves had pretty much subsided. I need to try and figure out what might have been the trigger for those so I can get a better handle on them next time.

In other news, I finally laid all of my cards out on the table to the wife. Fuck me, that's a conversation I fully intend never to repeat. She was pretty pissed, and understandably so. I'd been ninja dipping for several months and sneaking off like a turd to do it when she thought that I had been quit the whole time. She asked how she could possibly help keep me accountable when it was clear that if I really wanted to, I could sneak a dip at any time. I told her I really didn't know beyond, "keep asking, keep pressing, and if something truly doesn't seem right, it probably isn't." Tough thing to admit, but there it is. The part that she doesn't get is that by her simply knowing and understanding that there is a stupid addict side to me, that helps keep me accountable. As long as I'm making a solemn promise and renewing it each day, she deserves to hear and hold me to it just as much as you cats.

[Tuco]

...and hope that I have the courage...[/quit]

And there it is. You're leaving the door open for possibilities. This is why people are hesitant about you right now,

Slam the door shut!

"Hope" is the wrong word there. I should have said "trust". Bottomline: I trust that I have the courage and the wisdom now that I didn't back then.

Add accountability to that list as well.

Thanks, guys.

[Nolaq]

Great intro...sounds like it was written by someone who knows nicotine, knows addiction, and is really good at stopping long periods of time. I appreciate that it takes humility and some degree of guts to make a post like that. To openly admit your failures and need for help takes some balls. Again I appreciate that; I respect that. But why should I (or we for that matter) invest in you and your quit? How is this going to actually BE a quit opposed to a sabbatical? Since you have traveled this road before, I imagine you've thought about it. I just want you to put your money where your mouth is and prove to yourself, this is the last time you post an intro for the first time. Don't promise me that. Promise yourself that. I don't mean to come off as a hardass, I just don't want to read another sob story from you that you F'd up...I just want you to be quit.

For good.

Man, nothing like cutting right to the chase. All valid points/thought-provoking questions and definitely appreciated.

Why should you or anyone else invest their time in me or my quit? You honestly shouldn't if you don't believe in me or my quit. Brass tacks.

I'm not looking for hollow rah-rah's and endless threads of "attaboys" day over day. I've done that, and it got old. Fast. Like I said, simply knowing that I'm not doing this alone is huge.

If you'd asked me 10 years ago to prove to myself and everyone else that I was committed to staying quit, I would have pointed to the 4 years prior and said, "proof enough." 10-11 months later? Not so much. In the time since that first relapse 9 years ago, I had been too chickenshit to quit CT like I did the first time. Now I know it truly is the only way. There is no magic bullet.

Honestly, I don't know what it will take or if I will ever truly be able to prove myself definitively. I just know I need to make that promise to myself every single day, and hope that I have the courage and the wisdom now that I didn't have back then.

...and hope that I have the courage...

And there it is. You're leaving the door open for possibilities. This is why people are hesitant about you right now,

Slam the door shut!

[Tuco]

Great intro...sounds like it was written by someone who knows nicotine, knows addiction, and is really good at stopping long periods of time. I appreciate that it takes humility and some degree of guts to make a post like that. To openly admit your failures and need for help takes some balls. Again I appreciate that; I respect that. But why should I (or we for that matter) invest in you and your quit? How is this going to actually BE a quit opposed to a sabbatical? Since you have traveled this road before, I imagine you've thought about it. I just want you to put your money where your mouth is and prove to yourself, this is the last time you post an intro for the first time. Don't promise me that. Promise yourself that. I don't mean to come off as a hardass, I just don't want to read another sob story from you that you F'd up...I just want you to be quit.

For good.

Man, nothing like cutting right to the chase. All valid points/thought-provoking questions and definitely appreciated.

Why should you or anyone else invest their time in me or my quit? You honestly shouldn't if you don't believe in me or my quit. Brass tacks.

I'm not looking for hollow rah-rah's and endless threads of "attaboys" day over day. I've done that, and it got old. Fast. Like I said, simply knowing that I'm not doing this alone is huge.

If you'd asked me 10 years ago to prove to myself and everyone else that I was committed to staying quit, I would have pointed to the 4 years prior and said, "proof enough." 10-11 months later? Not so much. In the time since that first relapse 9 years ago, I had been too chickenshit to quit CT like I did the first time. Now I know it truly is the only way. There is no magic bullet.

Honestly, I don't know what it will take or if I will ever truly be able to prove myself definitively. I just know I need to make that promise to myself every single day, and hope that I have the courage and the wisdom now that I didn't have back then.

[Steakbomb18]

Great intro...sounds like it was written by someone who knows nicotine, knows addiction, and is really good at stopping long periods of time. I appreciate that it takes humility and some degree of guts to make a post like that. To openly admit your failures and need for help takes some balls. Again I appreciate that; I respect that. But why should I (or we for that matter) invest in you and your quit? How is this going to actually BE a quit opposed to a sabbatical? Since you have traveled this road before, I imagine you've thought about it. I just want you to put your money where your mouth is and prove to yourself, this is the last time you post an intro for the first time. Don't promise me that. Promise yourself that. I don't mean to come off as a hardass, I just don't want to read another sob story from you that you F'd up...I just want you to be quit.

For good.

[Pinched]

Thanks for the replies and wise words. Just knowing that there are folks out there that can offer words or cattle prods of encouragement is huge.

For now, I'm taking a mental inventory of all of the current and past triggers I can think of in hopes of heading them off at the pass. I haven't had a drop of alcohol since I quit the dip, and that was very much a purpose-driven decision. Nothing brings on a tsunami of a crave like a few beers does, so why bother piling that on so early in the process? I know in my gut it's wisest to avoid alcohol at least until I get my sea legs back. Unfortunately, I know this also means I will likely have to distance myself from a buddy or two for a little while. Having a family with young kids makes for an easy "out" most times. I just need to get used to making AND keeping this daily promise not to dip a little while longer before I start making certain social plans.

Great choices being laid out here. Remember that friends come and go, true friends are the kind that stay, but family is forever.

Continue to make wise choices, read and motivate yourself daily. I still have to face triggers and life continues to happen but by posting roll each day I pledge to myself and my brothers that I am quit, nothing else matters.

[Tuco]

Thanks for the replies and wise words. Just knowing that there are folks out there that can offer words or cattle prods of encouragement is huge.

For now, I'm taking a mental inventory of all of the current and past triggers I can think of in hopes of heading them off at the pass. I haven't had a drop of alcohol since I quit the dip, and that was very much a purpose-driven decision. Nothing brings on a tsunami of a crave like a few beers does, so why bother piling that on so early in the process? I know in my gut it's wisest to avoid alcohol at least until I get my sea legs back. Unfortunately, I know this also means I will likely have to distance myself from a buddy or two for a little while. Having a family with young kids makes for an easy "out" most times. I just need to get used to making AND keeping this daily promise not to dip a little while longer before I start making certain social plans.

[Dagranger]

Tuco welcome aboard. Clearly you know what to do, it's up to you to just do it. Post roll (and in doing so make a daily promise) and we will make a daily promise to you. Other than that fasten your seatbelts because quitting again is not any easier than it was the first time around. Be strong, be a man, and grit your way through it. Good luck.

[Nolaq]

Good to see you jumping in Tuco. Reach out if you need anything.

[AppleJack]

Welcome in bro...

Good advice so far. Follow it and the path we've already laid out. It's not easy but it IS simple. Stick around, get involved, and stay involved.