Stone Cold Can Killer

[Tuco]

Not sure why I’m thinking about it so much lately, but I’ve been running through a particular ‘cave post-mortem’ in my mind a good bit these past few days.

They say that dwelling on the past is about as productive as a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest. While that is certainly true, I've always believed in the axiom that those that don't study the mistakes of the past are doomed to repeat them in the future. For some reason, my thoughts keep wandering back to my most recent stop beginning in early February and lasting almost to the end of March. Not so much a lament of what could have or should have been, but rather the why. Why did I go almost 2 months completely cold turkey and then just up and cave? What happened in those nearly 2 months that made me ultimately decide it was ok to completely throw away everything I had fought for?

Thinking back on why I quit, and as many of you guys with young families can relate, this is the time when many of us opt for extra life insurance to protect our families should something happen to us. Part of the application process is getting a blood test where they check for all manner of things - including evidence of tobacco use. A few days before the physical, my wife reminded me that they would be looking for nicotine and asked somewhat hesitantly if I would be clean. Up to that point, she thought that I would very occasionally dip with a buddy of mine when we got together for beers, fishing, tying flies, etc. I lied and told her it had been months since I had dipped and that everything should be Ok. Then, in a panic I went to the Google machine and tried to find out as much as I could about nicotine detection in blood tests. As it turns out, nicotine has a very short half-life and (as we all know) is completely out of the system within 72 hours. However, a different byproduct called cotinine can remain in the system anywhere from 10 days to 3 weeks. Guess which one the insurance companies look for. The next night I "came clean" to my wife and told her that while I hadn't been dipping, I had been using those (ratfucked) Commit lozenges on occasion and that the blood test would still be able to detect those. She was pretty annoyed at my obvious weakness for not being able to give up those lozenges, but she was relatively understanding and got on the phone to reschedule the physical for later in the month.

While I was relieved to have seemingly dodged that bullet of my wife finding out the truth, I still had to deal with the stark reality that my one and only option was to quit cold turkey. I quickly accepted my fate, stocked up on a ton of trident gum, and even came to the KTC main site to read "inspirational articles" and reviews on various brands of fake stuff. Day by day, I white knuckled my way through that quit. I even went out to California for a week for work; which I thought would be a huge trigger. In the past, work trips were coveted time since it meant I could go full-on dippus uninteruptus. No risk of getting caught when you're 3,000 miles away. I even confided in a work buddy over beers one night while I was out there that I had finally kicked the shit a few weeks prior. He was literally the one and only person that I told I had quit dipping. Towards the end of March, the entire family packed up and headed down to visit my folks in Florida. The first 3 or 4 days we were there were absolutely no sweat. I had zero triggers other than some dull nagging craves when I would drink. Later in the week we went to Disney for a few days. Granted, going to Disney can be an utterly demoralizing, nuts in a car door experience, but the first day and a half were smooth sailing. Then, for some reason that I still for the life of me can't recall, it somehow came to mind to get a tin and go to town on that bitch. I don't mean get a tin for "just one" and then chuck it. I mean, tackle that fucker end-to-end, top-to-bottom, and side-to-side. So, that's exactly what I did. After we got back to the hotel at the end of the second day, I made up some bullshit excuse about needing to gas up the car before we leave in the morning since it's "really sketchy" in and around Orlando. After googling “places to buy chewing tobacco at Disney World” (cringe), I took off like a man on a mission, found a gas station with a c-store up the road and plunked down the cash for a fresh tin.

I probably polished off half of the tin that night - most of which was while my wife and daughter slept in the bed right beside me. I remember waking up the next day feeling next to zero remorse. Frankly, my chief concern at that point was how I was going to smuggle that tin safely out of there since my wife and I were sharing a suitcase. Of course, I figured out a way to stash it in one of the pockets of my pants and then successfully packed it away while my wife was none the wiser. Cave complete.

Why am I writing all of this? Quite literally, I had no idea why until I just finished typing out the final recounting of what happened. The fact that this particular cave had been bugging me quite a bit was apparent, but the reasons for the cave werenÂ’t so obvious until I took a step back, put pen to paper, and started to connect the dots. Now, the reasons why I caved are gin clear:

1) I didn't quit for me, I quit for an insurance blood test.
2) I based my quit on a foundation of lies.
3) I browsed KTC a bit, but I never joined, never participated, and certainly never posted roll.
4) I told exactly 1 person outside of my wife that I had quit. (Way to build that accountability.)
5) I reached for my phone and googled places to buy a can at WDW, rather than shoot an SOS to my quit brothers that were never there to begin with.

So what lead me to cave, exactly? Was it because I had waited in so many endless fucking lines to get on the Dumbo ride yet again? Or was it because I was on vacation and just wanted to relax and really enjoy myself just like the good old days? It was none of those things. I could have caved because the sky was blue or my rental car was a Nissan. I was still going to cave. It was inevitable. Not a matter of if, but when. Just looking at the trail of cave crumbs I left along the way from Day 1 and it is becoming so painfully obvious to me now.

[brettlees]

Day 30.

Today seemed so, so far away 29 days ago. 28 days ago I joined KTC and NOLAQ was on my ass to get with it almost immediately. My first reaction was, "Who is this guy and why is he up my ass about posting to a roll RIGHT NOW? I just want to browse a bit. Maybe pick up some little kernels of wis-HOLY SHIT he messaged me again. Alright, already. I'll post roll. Geez..." The next day I posted roll again and then put up an intro at the urging of others. "Ok," I thought, "I'm 100% all-in with this quit, so I might as well lay all of my cards out on the table." After I clicked 'Post Topic' my initial thought was that I would probably get some light pats on the back for deciding to quit, and maybe a few extra words of encouragement to boot. Instead, several of you chimed in and each one of my words was parsed and scrutinized. My intentions were openly called into question, and Steakbomb even went so far as to ask me (paraphrasing a bit here) why anyone should bother investing in my quit since I am obviously an experienced caver. Ouch. That one stung. That was also one of those make or break moments where I could have said, "Fuck these guys. I just came here for some support, not the 3rd degree from some crusty dicks that don't know shit about me." That would have been the addict winning that particular battle, and fortunately for me, I didn't listen. Instead, I seized it as an opportunity to really answer, to honestly answer questions about myself and my addiction that I had either been too chickenshit to face in the past, or simply had never occurred to me. The fact is, those crusty dicks knew more about me and my addiction than I did.

Now am I saying all this as some kind of genuflection (((((HUGZZZ))))) to the crusty dicks? Maybe a little. More specifically, I am saying this for the benefit of the new quitters joining our ranks today. I've seen enough over the past 4 weeks to know that some folks are genuinely turned off by the KTC method. I recognize that the tone and tenor of KTC might not be everyone's cup of tea. You'll also have a hard time getting me to believe that anyone that openly rejects KTC after getting legitimately called out for something isn't a caver in the making, but I digress. The fact of the matter is, this place has a very well worn path. There have been countless others that have crossed the threshold of KTC before you, and your personal story of dipping, quitting, caving, and addiction probably fits into one of, at most, 4 or 5 different molds. There are no special butterflies here. No snowflakes. Just a bunch of addicts with a penchant for straight talk. Before you take umbrage over the way someone asks you a pointed question about what it means to be quit, or how to be accountable, or even (especially) the time of day in which you post roll, just stop. Stop and think for a minute. Are you going to respond like man on the defensive that doesn't want to "lose" an argument, or are you going to answer like a man with nothing left to lose and nothing to hide?

Personal Journal Stuff (move along if you're already bored into deep slumber)

I just got back from having a much improved weekend up in Maine. Totally different from the last time we went up there a few weeks back. You can feel autumn is right around the corner first thing in the morning and again once the sun goes down. Makes me want to be outside as much as possible to soak up the waning days of summer. The craves seem to be coming in random waves these days, and are more annoying than anything else. Like a low humming noise that drones on for maybe an hour or two and then slowly fades away. I've noticed that they kick in like this around the middle of the evening; which in the past was the time that I was usually cracking a beer and chomping at the bit for the little one to go to bed so I could creep down to the basement and start the nightly merry-go-round of beers 'n fatties. I can't help but thinking that if I were drinking right now, these evening craves would be much, much worse. The way a few beers can quickly erode my resolve is still fresh in my mind. I told myself a month ago that I was going to avoid alcohol entirely until it no longer posed a danger to my quit. I'm glad I left it open-ended like that, because I think it's going to take a while. Another aspect of going booze free is that I am a much more pleasant human being in the morning. I actually get an adequate amount of sleep now, and my mood isn't blunted by an ever so slight hangover for the first hour or two after waking up. Oh, I'm still prone to frequent and random bouts of PMS-level moodiness in my 100% nicotine abstinence, but waking up with clear eyes every morning for the past month has been a real nice change.

Hell yea Tuco. Proud to be quit with you today.

Tuco gets it. Proud to be quit with Tuco today.

Great post Tuco ... proud of the way you're owning your quit.

If I was you, I would cut this out and put it over in December ... and it should get bumped a bunch for the newbs!

Before you take umbrage over the way someone asks you a pointed question about what it means to be quit, or how to be accountable, or even (especially) the time of day in which you post roll, just stop. Stop and think for a minute. Are you going to respond like man on the defensive that doesn't want to "lose" an argument, or are you going to answer like a man with nothing left to lose and nothing to hide?

You are carrying a lot of strength and resolve here at KTC ... great to see, thanks for strengthening mine with this latest post (all of it)!

PS: Glad you enjoyed the time away ... weather is getting similar up here in NW Wisconsin (love it).

Nice post tuco. You get how this works. Damn proud to quit with you today.

Keep posting this is great stuff. You'll appreciate the record you create here later, and it will help new quitters daily to see how you are doing it. This is serious stuff, one hell of an addiction--it's evil and wrong that it's even legal. AND you can beat it, one day at a time!

[basshaug]

Day 30.

Today seemed so, so far away 29 days ago. 28 days ago I joined KTC and NOLAQ was on my ass to get with it almost immediately. My first reaction was, "Who is this guy and why is he up my ass about posting to a roll RIGHT NOW? I just want to browse a bit. Maybe pick up some little kernels of wis-HOLY SHIT he messaged me again. Alright, already. I'll post roll. Geez..." The next day I posted roll again and then put up an intro at the urging of others. "Ok," I thought, "I'm 100% all-in with this quit, so I might as well lay all of my cards out on the table." After I clicked 'Post Topic' my initial thought was that I would probably get some light pats on the back for deciding to quit, and maybe a few extra words of encouragement to boot. Instead, several of you chimed in and each one of my words was parsed and scrutinized. My intentions were openly called into question, and Steakbomb even went so far as to ask me (paraphrasing a bit here) why anyone should bother investing in my quit since I am obviously an experienced caver. Ouch. That one stung. That was also one of those make or break moments where I could have said, "Fuck these guys. I just came here for some support, not the 3rd degree from some crusty dicks that don't know shit about me." That would have been the addict winning that particular battle, and fortunately for me, I didn't listen. Instead, I seized it as an opportunity to really answer, to honestly answer questions about myself and my addiction that I had either been too chickenshit to face in the past, or simply had never occurred to me. The fact is, those crusty dicks knew more about me and my addiction than I did.

Now am I saying all this as some kind of genuflection (((((HUGZZZ))))) to the crusty dicks? Maybe a little. More specifically, I am saying this for the benefit of the new quitters joining our ranks today. I've seen enough over the past 4 weeks to know that some folks are genuinely turned off by the KTC method. I recognize that the tone and tenor of KTC might not be everyone's cup of tea. You'll also have a hard time getting me to believe that anyone that openly rejects KTC after getting legitimately called out for something isn't a caver in the making, but I digress. The fact of the matter is, this place has a very well worn path. There have been countless others that have crossed the threshold of KTC before you, and your personal story of dipping, quitting, caving, and addiction probably fits into one of, at most, 4 or 5 different molds. There are no special butterflies here. No snowflakes. Just a bunch of addicts with a penchant for straight talk. Before you take umbrage over the way someone asks you a pointed question about what it means to be quit, or how to be accountable, or even (especially) the time of day in which you post roll, just stop. Stop and think for a minute. Are you going to respond like man on the defensive that doesn't want to "lose" an argument, or are you going to answer like a man with nothing left to lose and nothing to hide?

Personal Journal Stuff (move along if you're already bored into deep slumber)

I just got back from having a much improved weekend up in Maine. Totally different from the last time we went up there a few weeks back. You can feel autumn is right around the corner first thing in the morning and again once the sun goes down. Makes me want to be outside as much as possible to soak up the waning days of summer. The craves seem to be coming in random waves these days, and are more annoying than anything else. Like a low humming noise that drones on for maybe an hour or two and then slowly fades away. I've noticed that they kick in like this around the middle of the evening; which in the past was the time that I was usually cracking a beer and chomping at the bit for the little one to go to bed so I could creep down to the basement and start the nightly merry-go-round of beers 'n fatties. I can't help but thinking that if I were drinking right now, these evening craves would be much, much worse. The way a few beers can quickly erode my resolve is still fresh in my mind. I told myself a month ago that I was going to avoid alcohol entirely until it no longer posed a danger to my quit. I'm glad I left it open-ended like that, because I think it's going to take a while. Another aspect of going booze free is that I am a much more pleasant human being in the morning. I actually get an adequate amount of sleep now, and my mood isn't blunted by an ever so slight hangover for the first hour or two after waking up. Oh, I'm still prone to frequent and random bouts of PMS-level moodiness in my 100% nicotine abstinence, but waking up with clear eyes every morning for the past month has been a real nice change.

Hell yea Tuco. Proud to be quit with you today.

Tuco gets it. Proud to be quit with Tuco today.

Great post Tuco ... proud of the way you're owning your quit.

If I was you, I would cut this out and put it over in December ... and it should get bumped a bunch for the newbs!

Before you take umbrage over the way someone asks you a pointed question about what it means to be quit, or how to be accountable, or even (especially) the time of day in which you post roll, just stop. Stop and think for a minute. Are you going to respond like man on the defensive that doesn't want to "lose" an argument, or are you going to answer like a man with nothing left to lose and nothing to hide?

You are carrying a lot of strength and resolve here at KTC ... great to see, thanks for strengthening mine with this latest post (all of it)!

PS: Glad you enjoyed the time away ... weather is getting similar up here in NW Wisconsin (love it).

Nice post tuco. You get how this works. Damn proud to quit with you today.

[Smeds]

Day 30.

Today seemed so, so far away 29 days ago. 28 days ago I joined KTC and NOLAQ was on my ass to get with it almost immediately. My first reaction was, "Who is this guy and why is he up my ass about posting to a roll RIGHT NOW? I just want to browse a bit. Maybe pick up some little kernels of wis-HOLY SHIT he messaged me again. Alright, already. I'll post roll. Geez..." The next day I posted roll again and then put up an intro at the urging of others. "Ok," I thought, "I'm 100% all-in with this quit, so I might as well lay all of my cards out on the table." After I clicked 'Post Topic' my initial thought was that I would probably get some light pats on the back for deciding to quit, and maybe a few extra words of encouragement to boot. Instead, several of you chimed in and each one of my words was parsed and scrutinized. My intentions were openly called into question, and Steakbomb even went so far as to ask me (paraphrasing a bit here) why anyone should bother investing in my quit since I am obviously an experienced caver. Ouch. That one stung. That was also one of those make or break moments where I could have said, "Fuck these guys. I just came here for some support, not the 3rd degree from some crusty dicks that don't know shit about me." That would have been the addict winning that particular battle, and fortunately for me, I didn't listen. Instead, I seized it as an opportunity to really answer, to honestly answer questions about myself and my addiction that I had either been too chickenshit to face in the past, or simply had never occurred to me. The fact is, those crusty dicks knew more about me and my addiction than I did.

Now am I saying all this as some kind of genuflection (((((HUGZZZ))))) to the crusty dicks? Maybe a little. More specifically, I am saying this for the benefit of the new quitters joining our ranks today. I've seen enough over the past 4 weeks to know that some folks are genuinely turned off by the KTC method. I recognize that the tone and tenor of KTC might not be everyone's cup of tea. You'll also have a hard time getting me to believe that anyone that openly rejects KTC after getting legitimately called out for something isn't a caver in the making, but I digress. The fact of the matter is, this place has a very well worn path. There have been countless others that have crossed the threshold of KTC before you, and your personal story of dipping, quitting, caving, and addiction probably fits into one of, at most, 4 or 5 different molds. There are no special butterflies here. No snowflakes. Just a bunch of addicts with a penchant for straight talk. Before you take umbrage over the way someone asks you a pointed question about what it means to be quit, or how to be accountable, or even (especially) the time of day in which you post roll, just stop. Stop and think for a minute. Are you going to respond like man on the defensive that doesn't want to "lose" an argument, or are you going to answer like a man with nothing left to lose and nothing to hide?

Personal Journal Stuff (move along if you're already bored into deep slumber)

I just got back from having a much improved weekend up in Maine. Totally different from the last time we went up there a few weeks back. You can feel autumn is right around the corner first thing in the morning and again once the sun goes down. Makes me want to be outside as much as possible to soak up the waning days of summer. The craves seem to be coming in random waves these days, and are more annoying than anything else. Like a low humming noise that drones on for maybe an hour or two and then slowly fades away. I've noticed that they kick in like this around the middle of the evening; which in the past was the time that I was usually cracking a beer and chomping at the bit for the little one to go to bed so I could creep down to the basement and start the nightly merry-go-round of beers 'n fatties. I can't help but thinking that if I were drinking right now, these evening craves would be much, much worse. The way a few beers can quickly erode my resolve is still fresh in my mind. I told myself a month ago that I was going to avoid alcohol entirely until it no longer posed a danger to my quit. I'm glad I left it open-ended like that, because I think it's going to take a while. Another aspect of going booze free is that I am a much more pleasant human being in the morning. I actually get an adequate amount of sleep now, and my mood isn't blunted by an ever so slight hangover for the first hour or two after waking up. Oh, I'm still prone to frequent and random bouts of PMS-level moodiness in my 100% nicotine abstinence, but waking up with clear eyes every morning for the past month has been a real nice change.

Hell yea Tuco. Proud to be quit with you today.

Tuco gets it. Proud to be quit with Tuco today.

Great post Tuco ... proud of the way you're owning your quit.

If I was you, I would cut this out and put it over in December ... and it should get bumped a bunch for the newbs!

Before you take umbrage over the way someone asks you a pointed question about what it means to be quit, or how to be accountable, or even (especially) the time of day in which you post roll, just stop. Stop and think for a minute. Are you going to respond like man on the defensive that doesn't want to "lose" an argument, or are you going to answer like a man with nothing left to lose and nothing to hide?

You are carrying a lot of strength and resolve here at KTC ... great to see, thanks for strengthening mine with this latest post (all of it)!

PS: Glad you enjoyed the time away ... weather is getting similar up here in NW Wisconsin (love it).

[Thumblewort]

Day 30.

Today seemed so, so far away 29 days ago. 28 days ago I joined KTC and NOLAQ was on my ass to get with it almost immediately. My first reaction was, "Who is this guy and why is he up my ass about posting to a roll RIGHT NOW? I just want to browse a bit. Maybe pick up some little kernels of wis-HOLY SHIT he messaged me again. Alright, already. I'll post roll. Geez..." The next day I posted roll again and then put up an intro at the urging of others. "Ok," I thought, "I'm 100% all-in with this quit, so I might as well lay all of my cards out on the table." After I clicked 'Post Topic' my initial thought was that I would probably get some light pats on the back for deciding to quit, and maybe a few extra words of encouragement to boot. Instead, several of you chimed in and each one of my words was parsed and scrutinized. My intentions were openly called into question, and Steakbomb even went so far as to ask me (paraphrasing a bit here) why anyone should bother investing in my quit since I am obviously an experienced caver. Ouch. That one stung. That was also one of those make or break moments where I could have said, "Fuck these guys. I just came here for some support, not the 3rd degree from some crusty dicks that don't know shit about me." That would have been the addict winning that particular battle, and fortunately for me, I didn't listen. Instead, I seized it as an opportunity to really answer, to honestly answer questions about myself and my addiction that I had either been too chickenshit to face in the past, or simply had never occurred to me. The fact is, those crusty dicks knew more about me and my addiction than I did.

Now am I saying all this as some kind of genuflection (((((HUGZZZ))))) to the crusty dicks? Maybe a little. More specifically, I am saying this for the benefit of the new quitters joining our ranks today. I've seen enough over the past 4 weeks to know that some folks are genuinely turned off by the KTC method. I recognize that the tone and tenor of KTC might not be everyone's cup of tea. You'll also have a hard time getting me to believe that anyone that openly rejects KTC after getting legitimately called out for something isn't a caver in the making, but I digress. The fact of the matter is, this place has a very well worn path. There have been countless others that have crossed the threshold of KTC before you, and your personal story of dipping, quitting, caving, and addiction probably fits into one of, at most, 4 or 5 different molds. There are no special butterflies here. No snowflakes. Just a bunch of addicts with a penchant for straight talk. Before you take umbrage over the way someone asks you a pointed question about what it means to be quit, or how to be accountable, or even (especially) the time of day in which you post roll, just stop. Stop and think for a minute. Are you going to respond like man on the defensive that doesn't want to "lose" an argument, or are you going to answer like a man with nothing left to lose and nothing to hide?

Personal Journal Stuff (move along if you're already bored into deep slumber)

I just got back from having a much improved weekend up in Maine. Totally different from the last time we went up there a few weeks back. You can feel autumn is right around the corner first thing in the morning and again once the sun goes down. Makes me want to be outside as much as possible to soak up the waning days of summer. The craves seem to be coming in random waves these days, and are more annoying than anything else. Like a low humming noise that drones on for maybe an hour or two and then slowly fades away. I've noticed that they kick in like this around the middle of the evening; which in the past was the time that I was usually cracking a beer and chomping at the bit for the little one to go to bed so I could creep down to the basement and start the nightly merry-go-round of beers 'n fatties. I can't help but thinking that if I were drinking right now, these evening craves would be much, much worse. The way a few beers can quickly erode my resolve is still fresh in my mind. I told myself a month ago that I was going to avoid alcohol entirely until it no longer posed a danger to my quit. I'm glad I left it open-ended like that, because I think it's going to take a while. Another aspect of going booze free is that I am a much more pleasant human being in the morning. I actually get an adequate amount of sleep now, and my mood isn't blunted by an ever so slight hangover for the first hour or two after waking up. Oh, I'm still prone to frequent and random bouts of PMS-level moodiness in my 100% nicotine abstinence, but waking up with clear eyes every morning for the past month has been a real nice change.

Hell yea Tuco. Proud to be quit with you today.

Tuco gets it. Proud to be quit with Tuco today.

[schaef418]

Day 30.

Today seemed so, so far away 29 days ago. 28 days ago I joined KTC and NOLAQ was on my ass to get with it almost immediately. My first reaction was, "Who is this guy and why is he up my ass about posting to a roll RIGHT NOW? I just want to browse a bit. Maybe pick up some little kernels of wis-HOLY SHIT he messaged me again. Alright, already. I'll post roll. Geez..." The next day I posted roll again and then put up an intro at the urging of others. "Ok," I thought, "I'm 100% all-in with this quit, so I might as well lay all of my cards out on the table." After I clicked 'Post Topic' my initial thought was that I would probably get some light pats on the back for deciding to quit, and maybe a few extra words of encouragement to boot. Instead, several of you chimed in and each one of my words was parsed and scrutinized. My intentions were openly called into question, and Steakbomb even went so far as to ask me (paraphrasing a bit here) why anyone should bother investing in my quit since I am obviously an experienced caver. Ouch. That one stung. That was also one of those make or break moments where I could have said, "Fuck these guys. I just came here for some support, not the 3rd degree from some crusty dicks that don't know shit about me." That would have been the addict winning that particular battle, and fortunately for me, I didn't listen. Instead, I seized it as an opportunity to really answer, to honestly answer questions about myself and my addiction that I had either been too chickenshit to face in the past, or simply had never occurred to me. The fact is, those crusty dicks knew more about me and my addiction than I did.

Now am I saying all this as some kind of genuflection (((((HUGZZZ))))) to the crusty dicks? Maybe a little. More specifically, I am saying this for the benefit of the new quitters joining our ranks today. I've seen enough over the past 4 weeks to know that some folks are genuinely turned off by the KTC method. I recognize that the tone and tenor of KTC might not be everyone's cup of tea. You'll also have a hard time getting me to believe that anyone that openly rejects KTC after getting legitimately called out for something isn't a caver in the making, but I digress. The fact of the matter is, this place has a very well worn path. There have been countless others that have crossed the threshold of KTC before you, and your personal story of dipping, quitting, caving, and addiction probably fits into one of, at most, 4 or 5 different molds. There are no special butterflies here. No snowflakes. Just a bunch of addicts with a penchant for straight talk. Before you take umbrage over the way someone asks you a pointed question about what it means to be quit, or how to be accountable, or even (especially) the time of day in which you post roll, just stop. Stop and think for a minute. Are you going to respond like man on the defensive that doesn't want to "lose" an argument, or are you going to answer like a man with nothing left to lose and nothing to hide?

Personal Journal Stuff (move along if you're already bored into deep slumber)

I just got back from having a much improved weekend up in Maine. Totally different from the last time we went up there a few weeks back. You can feel autumn is right around the corner first thing in the morning and again once the sun goes down. Makes me want to be outside as much as possible to soak up the waning days of summer. The craves seem to be coming in random waves these days, and are more annoying than anything else. Like a low humming noise that drones on for maybe an hour or two and then slowly fades away. I've noticed that they kick in like this around the middle of the evening; which in the past was the time that I was usually cracking a beer and chomping at the bit for the little one to go to bed so I could creep down to the basement and start the nightly merry-go-round of beers 'n fatties. I can't help but thinking that if I were drinking right now, these evening craves would be much, much worse. The way a few beers can quickly erode my resolve is still fresh in my mind. I told myself a month ago that I was going to avoid alcohol entirely until it no longer posed a danger to my quit. I'm glad I left it open-ended like that, because I think it's going to take a while. Another aspect of going booze free is that I am a much more pleasant human being in the morning. I actually get an adequate amount of sleep now, and my mood isn't blunted by an ever so slight hangover for the first hour or two after waking up. Oh, I'm still prone to frequent and random bouts of PMS-level moodiness in my 100% nicotine abstinence, but waking up with clear eyes every morning for the past month has been a real nice change.

Hell yea Tuco. Proud to be quit with you today.

[Heisenberg]

Another great post Tuco. You were one of the first guys to welcome me to the stone cold quitters and have been not only been a bad azz quitter but also a great supporter of many of our quits. Thanks man. Keep on Quittin"!

[Tuco]

Day 30.

Today seemed so, so far away 29 days ago. 28 days ago I joined KTC and NOLAQ was on my ass to get with it almost immediately. My first reaction was, "Who is this guy and why is he up my ass about posting to a roll RIGHT NOW? I just want to browse a bit. Maybe pick up some little kernels of wis-HOLY SHIT he messaged me again. Alright, already. I'll post roll. Geez..." The next day I posted roll again and then put up an intro at the urging of others. "Ok," I thought, "I'm 100% all-in with this quit, so I might as well lay all of my cards out on the table." After I clicked 'Post Topic' my initial thought was that I would probably get some light pats on the back for deciding to quit, and maybe a few extra words of encouragement to boot. Instead, several of you chimed in and each one of my words was parsed and scrutinized. My intentions were openly called into question, and Steakbomb even went so far as to ask me (paraphrasing a bit here) why anyone should bother investing in my quit since I am obviously an experienced caver. Ouch. That one stung. That was also one of those make or break moments where I could have said, "Fuck these guys. I just came here for some support, not the 3rd degree from some crusty dicks that don't know shit about me." That would have been the addict winning that particular battle, and fortunately for me, I didn't listen. Instead, I seized it as an opportunity to really answer, to honestly answer questions about myself and my addiction that I had either been too chickenshit to face in the past, or simply had never occurred to me. The fact is, those crusty dicks knew more about me and my addiction than I did.

Now am I saying all this as some kind of genuflection (((((HUGZZZ))))) to the crusty dicks? Maybe a little. More specifically, I am saying this for the benefit of the new quitters joining our ranks today. I've seen enough over the past 4 weeks to know that some folks are genuinely turned off by the KTC method. I recognize that the tone and tenor of KTC might not be everyone's cup of tea. You'll also have a hard time getting me to believe that anyone that openly rejects KTC after getting legitimately called out for something isn't a caver in the making, but I digress. The fact of the matter is, this place has a very well worn path. There have been countless others that have crossed the threshold of KTC before you, and your personal story of dipping, quitting, caving, and addiction probably fits into one of, at most, 4 or 5 different molds. There are no special butterflies here. No snowflakes. Just a bunch of addicts with a penchant for straight talk. Before you take umbrage over the way someone asks you a pointed question about what it means to be quit, or how to be accountable, or even (especially) the time of day in which you post roll, just stop. Stop and think for a minute. Are you going to respond like man on the defensive that doesn't want to "lose" an argument, or are you going to answer like a man with nothing left to lose and nothing to hide?

Personal Journal Stuff (move along if you're already bored into deep slumber)

I just got back from having a much improved weekend up in Maine. Totally different from the last time we went up there a few weeks back. You can feel autumn is right around the corner first thing in the morning and again once the sun goes down. Makes me want to be outside as much as possible to soak up the waning days of summer. The craves seem to be coming in random waves these days, and are more annoying than anything else. Like a low humming noise that drones on for maybe an hour or two and then slowly fades away. I've noticed that they kick in like this around the middle of the evening; which in the past was the time that I was usually cracking a beer and chomping at the bit for the little one to go to bed so I could creep down to the basement and start the nightly merry-go-round of beers 'n fatties. I can't help but thinking that if I were drinking right now, these evening craves would be much, much worse. The way a few beers can quickly erode my resolve is still fresh in my mind. I told myself a month ago that I was going to avoid alcohol entirely until it no longer posed a danger to my quit. I'm glad I left it open-ended like that, because I think it's going to take a while. Another aspect of going booze free is that I am a much more pleasant human being in the morning. I actually get an adequate amount of sleep now, and my mood isn't blunted by an ever so slight hangover for the first hour or two after waking up. Oh, I'm still prone to frequent and random bouts of PMS-level moodiness in my 100% nicotine abstinence, but waking up with clear eyes every morning for the past month has been a real nice change.

[ZillahCowboy]

Sitting here winding down Day 19. 19 days nic free. 19 rotations of our planet with 0.0% nicotine intake. In a much smaller sense, it's roughly 5% of 1 calendar year sans nic, but I'm not worried about years right now. I'm worried about days. Around here, we tend to make a pretty big deal about the concept of "days" and what they mean in the context of being quit. We tend to want to set expectations and rationalize based on days removed from nicotine. For example, upon the 3rd day of cessation, all traces of nicotine should be flushed from the system. However, certain byproducts such as cotinine have a much longer half life and can persist for weeks in the body. In some ways this is all irrelevant as any person on day 4 or beyond can attest, since the strength and duration of craves can be every bit as potent as those from days 1-3.

One thing I've discovered about KTC is that there are no shortage of gems on this site, and one of my recent favorites is referring to dip as "cancer fertilizer". As it turns out, it is brain receptor fertilizer as well. This is a tad elementary, so bear with me here. While we spent years throwing in one lipper after the next, we were actively conditioning certain receptors in our brains to be highly-tuned, reward-seeking sonsabitches. Day after day, can after can, we were putting those particular receptors on an unrelenting strength and conditioning program where the supreme reward is a cool shot of dopamine. The whole process starts within 10-20 seconds of nicotine intake and once that hit of dopamine begins to wane, those receptors gradually increase in number and strength as they clamor for more of the good stuff - over and over again. Other physically addictive drugs such as cocaine or heroin actually erode that sort of neural sensitivity, but not nicotine. Nicotine is a fucking genius. It strengthens those receptors and increases their numbers so there is a stronger, more unyielding desire to absorb more nicotine which in turn straps a big old dopamine feedbag on for the receptors. That all seems fairly insidious enough until you get to the real kicker: that particular brain chemistry can persist for months after you quit. Months.

So, what prompted me to write about all of this? Aside from taking some time to step back a bit and put my own quit history into perspective, I've also been struggling a bit with what to say to my freshly quit brothers on days 1-3. The standard refrain is to tell them that the nicotine is completely clear within 3 days and after that it's all "mental", but that's really shortchanging what's actually going on once you quit nicotine for any length of time. The fact is, it is not just a mental game of mind over matter once the nicotine is gone from your system. You are not a mentally weak person because you get intense craves days, weeks, and even months after you've quit. It's not the nicotine, but rather the dopamine. You and all of your rapid-fire synapses for reason and logic (the very ones that dictate the fact that you are making a promise each day to not use nicotine) are doing battle with those dopamine-starved receptors that are like a combined Tiger, Mike Tyson, Barry Bonds, Jordan, and Lebron all in their collective primes. They are used to clutch hits, making last second shots, and KO's in the first round. They don't wither away once the last trace of nicotine has been flushed out. They don't shrivel up and cower in the corner, because it's day 4 and you just posted roll triumphantly. If only it were that easy.

The fact is, the only way to beat them is with time and starvation. First with minutes at a time. Then hours at a time. Finally, with days at a time. Let them scream, beg, plead, punch, kick, claw, and grasp all they want while you slowly starve them. One day at a time. Once that steady supply of rewards has ceased, they will start to lose strength and begin to atrophy. The smaller and more starved they get, the less frequent and powerful the craves become. Sometimes after a few weeks and even a few months they will gang up for an occasional full-frontal assault or even a covert pys-ops to try and get you to cave. Don't relent. Keep starving them one day at a time. Eventually, they will wither and shrink down to a pathetic little nub that is mostly dormant, but one that will never fully go away. You'll never evict them completely - you'll just beat them into relative submission so that you barely notice them anymore.

As I learn more about myself and my addiction, this is how I am starting to frame this whole concept of "days". Starve the fuckers. One day at a time.

Awesome! Great breakdown of the battle and the path to victory. That is exactly how it is. Fight is just getting started after 3 days. If all it took was 3 days every poor slave would be free. The battle takes time. 100 days is just the start, but it does get to a point where you starve the receptors into submission. There is a point when not using nicotine becomes the bodys' new normal, and the daily battle to stay quit is like being stationed is Japan for WWII peace-keeping today... Big thing about getting through day 1 is knowing you can go one day without using the poison; each day after that just proves exponentially that you can make it through one more day. Stay focused on adding one more day until you break through to the easy quit.

T.G., you are doing it right! Keep drinking the kool-aide my brother.

Awesome post, Tuco.

In my entire Quit, I have always been 'in awe' of those guys that say, "Day 3 was the worst." I do not have that experience. In fact, without the occasional great day here and there, I was completly - COMPLETELY - worthless for my first 250 days or so. I seriously could not differentiate Day 1, from Day 10, to Day 100. I was seriously going through the motions and watching all these guys around me having these overwhelming feelings of freedom. But not me.

But for me, around Day 250, it happened. I could put a coherent sentence together. My focus was back. I could multi-task like I could years earlier. It had happened, and it continues to happen.

Stay strong new guys, just becuause you are not feeling the 'mental' game right now, and it may feel more physical, doesn't mean you're doing it wrong. You're doing it right.

Great job learning what you're dealing with! There's the starving them out, and then the ones that remain, that need to remain because they help the brain function, still have to be retrained. The only what to do that is one crave at a time, one day at a time. You're doing it. It gets better fast. It was alwasy tough for me to get when someone told me it gets better after x days, but it does get better- i had no comparison because i was an active addict all my adult life. Keep it up Tuco!

Nice Tuco. Nice.

[brettlees]

Sitting here winding down Day 19. 19 days nic free. 19 rotations of our planet with 0.0% nicotine intake. In a much smaller sense, it's roughly 5% of 1 calendar year sans nic, but I'm not worried about years right now. I'm worried about days. Around here, we tend to make a pretty big deal about the concept of "days" and what they mean in the context of being quit. We tend to want to set expectations and rationalize based on days removed from nicotine. For example, upon the 3rd day of cessation, all traces of nicotine should be flushed from the system. However, certain byproducts such as cotinine have a much longer half life and can persist for weeks in the body. In some ways this is all irrelevant as any person on day 4 or beyond can attest, since the strength and duration of craves can be every bit as potent as those from days 1-3.

One thing I've discovered about KTC is that there are no shortage of gems on this site, and one of my recent favorites is referring to dip as "cancer fertilizer". As it turns out, it is brain receptor fertilizer as well. This is a tad elementary, so bear with me here. While we spent years throwing in one lipper after the next, we were actively conditioning certain receptors in our brains to be highly-tuned, reward-seeking sonsabitches. Day after day, can after can, we were putting those particular receptors on an unrelenting strength and conditioning program where the supreme reward is a cool shot of dopamine. The whole process starts within 10-20 seconds of nicotine intake and once that hit of dopamine begins to wane, those receptors gradually increase in number and strength as they clamor for more of the good stuff - over and over again. Other physically addictive drugs such as cocaine or heroin actually erode that sort of neural sensitivity, but not nicotine. Nicotine is a fucking genius. It strengthens those receptors and increases their numbers so there is a stronger, more unyielding desire to absorb more nicotine which in turn straps a big old dopamine feedbag on for the receptors. That all seems fairly insidious enough until you get to the real kicker: that particular brain chemistry can persist for months after you quit. Months.

So, what prompted me to write about all of this? Aside from taking some time to step back a bit and put my own quit history into perspective, I've also been struggling a bit with what to say to my freshly quit brothers on days 1-3. The standard refrain is to tell them that the nicotine is completely clear within 3 days and after that it's all "mental", but that's really shortchanging what's actually going on once you quit nicotine for any length of time. The fact is, it is not just a mental game of mind over matter once the nicotine is gone from your system. You are not a mentally weak person because you get intense craves days, weeks, and even months after you've quit. It's not the nicotine, but rather the dopamine. You and all of your rapid-fire synapses for reason and logic (the very ones that dictate the fact that you are making a promise each day to not use nicotine) are doing battle with those dopamine-starved receptors that are like a combined Tiger, Mike Tyson, Barry Bonds, Jordan, and Lebron all in their collective primes. They are used to clutch hits, making last second shots, and KO's in the first round. They don't wither away once the last trace of nicotine has been flushed out. They don't shrivel up and cower in the corner, because it's day 4 and you just posted roll triumphantly. If only it were that easy.

The fact is, the only way to beat them is with time and starvation. First with minutes at a time. Then hours at a time. Finally, with days at a time. Let them scream, beg, plead, punch, kick, claw, and grasp all they want while you slowly starve them. One day at a time. Once that steady supply of rewards has ceased, they will start to lose strength and begin to atrophy. The smaller and more starved they get, the less frequent and powerful the craves become. Sometimes after a few weeks and even a few months they will gang up for an occasional full-frontal assault or even a covert pys-ops to try and get you to cave. Don't relent. Keep starving them one day at a time. Eventually, they will wither and shrink down to a pathetic little nub that is mostly dormant, but one that will never fully go away. You'll never evict them completely - you'll just beat them into relative submission so that you barely notice them anymore.

As I learn more about myself and my addiction, this is how I am starting to frame this whole concept of "days". Starve the fuckers. One day at a time.

Awesome! Great breakdown of the battle and the path to victory. That is exactly how it is. Fight is just getting started after 3 days. If all it took was 3 days every poor slave would be free. The battle takes time. 100 days is just the start, but it does get to a point where you starve the receptors into submission. There is a point when not using nicotine becomes the bodys' new normal, and the daily battle to stay quit is like being stationed is Japan for WWII peace-keeping today... Big thing about getting through day 1 is knowing you can go one day without using the poison; each day after that just proves exponentially that you can make it through one more day. Stay focused on adding one more day until you break through to the easy quit.

T.G., you are doing it right! Keep drinking the kool-aide my brother.

Awesome post, Tuco.

In my entire Quit, I have always been 'in awe' of those guys that say, "Day 3 was the worst." I do not have that experience. In fact, without the occasional great day here and there, I was completly - COMPLETELY - worthless for my first 250 days or so. I seriously could not differentiate Day 1, from Day 10, to Day 100. I was seriously going through the motions and watching all these guys around me having these overwhelming feelings of freedom. But not me.

But for me, around Day 250, it happened. I could put a coherent sentence together. My focus was back. I could multi-task like I could years earlier. It had happened, and it continues to happen.

Stay strong new guys, just becuause you are not feeling the 'mental' game right now, and it may feel more physical, doesn't mean you're doing it wrong. You're doing it right.

Great job learning what you're dealing with! There's the starving them out, and then the ones that remain, that need to remain because they help the brain function, still have to be retrained. The only what to do that is one crave at a time, one day at a time. You're doing it. It gets better fast. It was alwasy tough for me to get when someone told me it gets better after x days, but it does get better- i had no comparison because i was an active addict all my adult life. Keep it up Tuco!

[Nolaq]

Sitting here winding down Day 19. 19 days nic free. 19 rotations of our planet with 0.0% nicotine intake. In a much smaller sense, it's roughly 5% of 1 calendar year sans nic, but I'm not worried about years right now. I'm worried about days. Around here, we tend to make a pretty big deal about the concept of "days" and what they mean in the context of being quit. We tend to want to set expectations and rationalize based on days removed from nicotine. For example, upon the 3rd day of cessation, all traces of nicotine should be flushed from the system. However, certain byproducts such as cotinine have a much longer half life and can persist for weeks in the body. In some ways this is all irrelevant as any person on day 4 or beyond can attest, since the strength and duration of craves can be every bit as potent as those from days 1-3.

One thing I've discovered about KTC is that there are no shortage of gems on this site, and one of my recent favorites is referring to dip as "cancer fertilizer". As it turns out, it is brain receptor fertilizer as well. This is a tad elementary, so bear with me here. While we spent years throwing in one lipper after the next, we were actively conditioning certain receptors in our brains to be highly-tuned, reward-seeking sonsabitches. Day after day, can after can, we were putting those particular receptors on an unrelenting strength and conditioning program where the supreme reward is a cool shot of dopamine. The whole process starts within 10-20 seconds of nicotine intake and once that hit of dopamine begins to wane, those receptors gradually increase in number and strength as they clamor for more of the good stuff - over and over again. Other physically addictive drugs such as cocaine or heroin actually erode that sort of neural sensitivity, but not nicotine. Nicotine is a fucking genius. It strengthens those receptors and increases their numbers so there is a stronger, more unyielding desire to absorb more nicotine which in turn straps a big old dopamine feedbag on for the receptors. That all seems fairly insidious enough until you get to the real kicker: that particular brain chemistry can persist for months after you quit. Months.

So, what prompted me to write about all of this? Aside from taking some time to step back a bit and put my own quit history into perspective, I've also been struggling a bit with what to say to my freshly quit brothers on days 1-3. The standard refrain is to tell them that the nicotine is completely clear within 3 days and after that it's all "mental", but that's really shortchanging what's actually going on once you quit nicotine for any length of time. The fact is, it is not just a mental game of mind over matter once the nicotine is gone from your system. You are not a mentally weak person because you get intense craves days, weeks, and even months after you've quit. It's not the nicotine, but rather the dopamine. You and all of your rapid-fire synapses for reason and logic (the very ones that dictate the fact that you are making a promise each day to not use nicotine) are doing battle with those dopamine-starved receptors that are like a combined Tiger, Mike Tyson, Barry Bonds, Jordan, and Lebron all in their collective primes. They are used to clutch hits, making last second shots, and KO's in the first round. They don't wither away once the last trace of nicotine has been flushed out. They don't shrivel up and cower in the corner, because it's day 4 and you just posted roll triumphantly. If only it were that easy.

The fact is, the only way to beat them is with time and starvation. First with minutes at a time. Then hours at a time. Finally, with days at a time. Let them scream, beg, plead, punch, kick, claw, and grasp all they want while you slowly starve them. One day at a time. Once that steady supply of rewards has ceased, they will start to lose strength and begin to atrophy. The smaller and more starved they get, the less frequent and powerful the craves become. Sometimes after a few weeks and even a few months they will gang up for an occasional full-frontal assault or even a covert pys-ops to try and get you to cave. Don't relent. Keep starving them one day at a time. Eventually, they will wither and shrink down to a pathetic little nub that is mostly dormant, but one that will never fully go away. You'll never evict them completely - you'll just beat them into relative submission so that you barely notice them anymore.

As I learn more about myself and my addiction, this is how I am starting to frame this whole concept of "days". Starve the fuckers. One day at a time.

Awesome! Great breakdown of the battle and the path to victory. That is exactly how it is. Fight is just getting started after 3 days. If all it took was 3 days every poor slave would be free. The battle takes time. 100 days is just the start, but it does get to a point where you starve the receptors into submission. There is a point when not using nicotine becomes the bodys' new normal, and the daily battle to stay quit is like being stationed is Japan for WWII peace-keeping today... Big thing about getting through day 1 is knowing you can go one day without using the poison; each day after that just proves exponentially that you can make it through one more day. Stay focused on adding one more day until you break through to the easy quit.

T.G., you are doing it right! Keep drinking the kool-aide my brother.

Awesome post, Tuco.

In my entire Quit, I have always been 'in awe' of those guys that say, "Day 3 was the worst." I do not have that experience. In fact, without the occasional great day here and there, I was completly - COMPLETELY - worthless for my first 250 days or so. I seriously could not differentiate Day 1, from Day 10, to Day 100. I was seriously going through the motions and watching all these guys around me having these overwhelming feelings of freedom. But not me.

But for me, around Day 250, it happened. I could put a coherent sentence together. My focus was back. I could multi-task like I could years earlier. It had happened, and it continues to happen.

Stay strong new guys, just becuause you are not feeling the 'mental' game right now, and it may feel more physical, doesn't mean you're doing it wrong. You're doing it right.

[B-loMatt]

Sitting here winding down Day 19. 19 days nic free. 19 rotations of our planet with 0.0% nicotine intake. In a much smaller sense, it's roughly 5% of 1 calendar year sans nic, but I'm not worried about years right now. I'm worried about days. Around here, we tend to make a pretty big deal about the concept of "days" and what they mean in the context of being quit. We tend to want to set expectations and rationalize based on days removed from nicotine. For example, upon the 3rd day of cessation, all traces of nicotine should be flushed from the system. However, certain byproducts such as cotinine have a much longer half life and can persist for weeks in the body. In some ways this is all irrelevant as any person on day 4 or beyond can attest, since the strength and duration of craves can be every bit as potent as those from days 1-3.

One thing I've discovered about KTC is that there are no shortage of gems on this site, and one of my recent favorites is referring to dip as "cancer fertilizer". As it turns out, it is brain receptor fertilizer as well. This is a tad elementary, so bear with me here. While we spent years throwing in one lipper after the next, we were actively conditioning certain receptors in our brains to be highly-tuned, reward-seeking sonsabitches. Day after day, can after can, we were putting those particular receptors on an unrelenting strength and conditioning program where the supreme reward is a cool shot of dopamine. The whole process starts within 10-20 seconds of nicotine intake and once that hit of dopamine begins to wane, those receptors gradually increase in number and strength as they clamor for more of the good stuff - over and over again. Other physically addictive drugs such as cocaine or heroin actually erode that sort of neural sensitivity, but not nicotine. Nicotine is a fucking genius. It strengthens those receptors and increases their numbers so there is a stronger, more unyielding desire to absorb more nicotine which in turn straps a big old dopamine feedbag on for the receptors. That all seems fairly insidious enough until you get to the real kicker: that particular brain chemistry can persist for months after you quit. Months.

So, what prompted me to write about all of this? Aside from taking some time to step back a bit and put my own quit history into perspective, I've also been struggling a bit with what to say to my freshly quit brothers on days 1-3. The standard refrain is to tell them that the nicotine is completely clear within 3 days and after that it's all "mental", but that's really shortchanging what's actually going on once you quit nicotine for any length of time. The fact is, it is not just a mental game of mind over matter once the nicotine is gone from your system. You are not a mentally weak person because you get intense craves days, weeks, and even months after you've quit. It's not the nicotine, but rather the dopamine. You and all of your rapid-fire synapses for reason and logic (the very ones that dictate the fact that you are making a promise each day to not use nicotine) are doing battle with those dopamine-starved receptors that are like a combined Tiger, Mike Tyson, Barry Bonds, Jordan, and Lebron all in their collective primes. They are used to clutch hits, making last second shots, and KO's in the first round. They don't wither away once the last trace of nicotine has been flushed out. They don't shrivel up and cower in the corner, because it's day 4 and you just posted roll triumphantly. If only it were that easy.

The fact is, the only way to beat them is with time and starvation. First with minutes at a time. Then hours at a time. Finally, with days at a time. Let them scream, beg, plead, punch, kick, claw, and grasp all they want while you slowly starve them. One day at a time. Once that steady supply of rewards has ceased, they will start to lose strength and begin to atrophy. The smaller and more starved they get, the less frequent and powerful the craves become. Sometimes after a few weeks and even a few months they will gang up for an occasional full-frontal assault or even a covert pys-ops to try and get you to cave. Don't relent. Keep starving them one day at a time. Eventually, they will wither and shrink down to a pathetic little nub that is mostly dormant, but one that will never fully go away. You'll never evict them completely - you'll just beat them into relative submission so that you barely notice them anymore.

As I learn more about myself and my addiction, this is how I am starting to frame this whole concept of "days". Starve the fuckers. One day at a time.

Awesome! Great breakdown of the battle and the path to victory. That is exactly how it is. Fight is just getting started after 3 days. If all it took was 3 days every poor slave would be free. The battle takes time. 100 days is just the start, but it does get to a point where you starve the receptors into submission. There is a point when not using nicotine becomes the bodys' new normal, and the daily battle to stay quit is like being stationed is Japan for WWII peace-keeping today... Big thing about getting through day 1 is knowing you can go one day without using the poison; each day after that just proves exponentially that you can make it through one more day. Stay focused on adding one more day until you break through to the easy quit.

T.G., you are doing it right! Keep drinking the kool-aide my brother.

[Tuco]

Sitting here winding down Day 19. 19 days nic free. 19 rotations of our planet with 0.0% nicotine intake. In a much smaller sense, it's roughly 5% of 1 calendar year sans nic, but I'm not worried about years right now. I'm worried about days. Around here, we tend to make a pretty big deal about the concept of "days" and what they mean in the context of being quit. We tend to want to set expectations and rationalize based on days removed from nicotine. For example, upon the 3rd day of cessation, all traces of nicotine should be flushed from the system. However, certain byproducts such as cotinine have a much longer half life and can persist for weeks in the body. In some ways this is all irrelevant as any person on day 4 or beyond can attest, since the strength and duration of craves can be every bit as potent as those from days 1-3.

One thing I've discovered about KTC is that there are no shortage of gems on this site, and one of my recent favorites is referring to dip as "cancer fertilizer". As it turns out, it is brain receptor fertilizer as well. This is a tad elementary, so bear with me here. While we spent years throwing in one lipper after the next, we were actively conditioning certain receptors in our brains to be highly-tuned, reward-seeking sonsabitches. Day after day, can after can, we were putting those particular receptors on an unrelenting strength and conditioning program where the supreme reward is a cool shot of dopamine. The whole process starts within 10-20 seconds of nicotine intake and once that hit of dopamine begins to wane, those receptors gradually increase in number and strength as they clamor for more of the good stuff - over and over again. Other physically addictive drugs such as cocaine or heroin actually erode that sort of neural sensitivity, but not nicotine. Nicotine is a fucking genius. It strengthens those receptors and increases their numbers so there is a stronger, more unyielding desire to absorb more nicotine which in turn straps a big old dopamine feedbag on for the receptors. That all seems fairly insidious enough until you get to the real kicker: that particular brain chemistry can persist for months after you quit. Months.

So, what prompted me to write about all of this? Aside from taking some time to step back a bit and put my own quit history into perspective, I've also been struggling a bit with what to say to my freshly quit brothers on days 1-3. The standard refrain is to tell them that the nicotine is completely clear within 3 days and after that it's all "mental", but that's really shortchanging what's actually going on once you quit nicotine for any length of time. The fact is, it is not just a mental game of mind over matter once the nicotine is gone from your system. You are not a mentally weak person because you get intense craves days, weeks, and even months after you've quit. It's not the nicotine, but rather the dopamine. You and all of your rapid-fire synapses for reason and logic (the very ones that dictate the fact that you are making a promise each day to not use nicotine) are doing battle with those dopamine-starved receptors that are like a combined Tiger, Mike Tyson, Barry Bonds, Jordan, and Lebron all in their collective primes. They are used to clutch hits, making last second shots, and KO's in the first round. They don't wither away once the last trace of nicotine has been flushed out. They don't shrivel up and cower in the corner, because it's day 4 and you just posted roll triumphantly. If only it were that easy.

The fact is, the only way to beat them is with time and starvation. First with minutes at a time. Then hours at a time. Finally, with days at a time. Let them scream, beg, plead, punch, kick, claw, and grasp all they want while you slowly starve them. One day at a time. Once that steady supply of rewards has ceased, they will start to lose strength and begin to atrophy. The smaller and more starved they get, the less frequent and powerful the craves become. Sometimes after a few weeks and even a few months they will gang up for an occasional full-frontal assault or even a covert pys-ops to try and get you to cave. Don't relent. Keep starving them one day at a time. Eventually, they will wither and shrink down to a pathetic little nub that is mostly dormant, but one that will never fully go away. You'll never evict them completely - you'll just beat them into relative submission so that you barely notice them anymore.

As I learn more about myself and my addiction, this is how I am starting to frame this whole concept of "days". Starve the fuckers. One day at a time.

[schaef418]

Another day tuco. This is hump day! 'boob'

[basshaug]

Starting off my 9th day of freedom feeling good, and in a sharing mood...

I went into the weekend with a fair amount of trepidation for sure. On one hand, I was looking forward to getting out of Dodge for a few days for a little change of scenery. Working from home 5 days a week is great and all, but after spending last week at home alone for days 2-6 I needed to get out of my own head a little bit. On the other hand, we were going up to my in-law's place up in Maine. Under normal circumstances, this is typically a good thing. I love coastal Maine. It reminds me of the places where I grew up and I probably feel more at home up there than I do in my own town. That said, these were not "normal circumstances" and as I would quickly realize, a trip up north is rife with triggers. As an added bonus, this is also "Grandma Week" - my mother-in-law's annual tradition of hosting her grandkids solo for an entire week. It would also mark the first year that our daughter would be old enough to attend Grandma Week. Our job heading into this blessed event would be to ferry our daughter and my brother-in-law's two older kids up there with us. Sounds easy enough, right? Right?

The first test came on the 3+ hour drive to get there. Long drives + dip/NRT have gone hand-in-hand with me for so long, I was a near basketcase trying to get prepared for it sans-nic.* This time around the cans and spitters in the center console would be replaced with trident gum and jolly ranchers. Surprisingly, the drive went fairly well. We got a late start due to traffic and I had to listen to some crazy, scratched-up anime version of "Heidi" blaring from my niece's DVD player for half of the trip, but it wasn't the white knuckle hell ride I had thought it would be. Win #1 on the weekend.

Saturday morning came very, very early.** Pre-dawn early. My brother-in-law's entire family are notorious early risers, and his offspring tend to lead that charge. "If I'm up at 5:00am, motherfucker, you are, too." When I finally succumbed to my sleepless fate at 7:00am, I went out into the kitchen to discover that the screaming and stomping around I'd been listening to for the last half hour were my two nieces mercilessly antagonizing my dog.*** Now's probably a good time to back up and preface this with the fact that my brother-in-law's kids tend to treat other people and domesticated animals differently when their folks aren't around. A lack of sleep + the early days of a proper quit = prime conditions for an unfiltered, yet composed, leveling of expectations on said in-law's progeny. Frankly, the whole incident ratfucked my mood for the rest of the day, but it was clear skies and calm seas ahead for the rest of the adults that otherwise would have been subject to the little darling's precocious antics. It also spurred me to reach out to a few fellow quitters that had offered up their digits as well as to other folks in chat and PM. I went to bed feeling grateful and reinforced in my quit. Wins #2 and #3 on the weekend.

Well, I woke up Sunday morning with no way to hold my head that didn't hurt.**** Actually, that's not true at all. I felt great for the first time in well over a week, and that unrelenting fog had finally started to lift. It had been 7 days since the devil's dirt had crossed my lips. I also made a strategic decision to sleep on a bunk out in the fish house (literally a tiny shack on the dock 30 yards from the actual house), so I would not be aroused from my glorious slumber until almost 9:00. The only interruptions were a few lobster boats firing up their diesels around 6:30, but those are good, hearty, Maine sounds. Beyond that, utter peace and tranquility. When I triumphantly trudged back up to the house, all of the kids and my mother-in-law were at the kitchen counter cutting an unholy pile of lemons. When I quizzed them on this, they said that they were making fresh squeezed lemonade for a lemonade stand. They followed this up with the fact that all of the money they made would be going to the Jimmy Fund. Yep, right in the feels. After I goaded them into doubling their prices, I offered to match whatever they made dollar for dollar, as extra incentive to crank out those sales. The rest of the day was a blur of hunting for crabs at the tiny beach, helping the kids with their lemonade operation, and watching them overcome their fears by jumping off the dock into the frigid waters. My dip reflex kicked in 3, maybe 4 times at most. After dinner, my wife and I packed up the car, bid our daughter adieu for the week, and made the 3 hour trek back home. Somewhere in the darkened silence between Kennebunk and Kittery, I found myself reaching in my shirt pocket for a stashed lozenge. Of course, nothing was there. Despite having a day of relative ease, it was yet another reminder that the beast still very much has her claws in me, and that I can never, ever let my guard down. Win #4 on the weekend.

Thanks to everyone that offered up their digits, spent some time humoring me in chat/PM's, and chiming in with words of support on my intro thread. I count myself as one of the fortunate ones to have found this place. Even as the great "Cum Bubble Battle" of 2014 rages on.

Tuco


*I became such a prolific ninja dipper, I've been known to casually throw one in on long drives while my wife slept in the seat next to me and my daughter was in the back playing on the iPad. If they made an Ocean's 11 movie about ninja dipping, I expect it would be loosely based off of some of my experiences.

**I love to sleep. Love it. During my quit, it has also been my last refuge from the early onslaught of craves and mind games that the nic bitch tosses my way.

***Don't fuck with my kid or my dog. Ever.

****Great opening line from one of my favorite songs, and a subtle nod to the fact that I haven't had a drop to drink in over a week.

Tuco, that read is an "instant classic". Quit with you over a lobster roll EDD.

this is definitely the type of thing to remember for yourself.

a big well done.

Great read, one of my favorite songs, too. Especially when sung by Johnny Cash.

Thanks for sharing, Tuco -- refreshing to get acquainted with someone that has their head screwed on straight and appreciates one of the finer places in the country (Maine). Similar to you, I'll be making my first nic-free trip there in a few weeks -- and can't wait to appreciate the surroundings that much more without worrying about when I'll be able to sneak off for some cancer fertilizer, or coming up with bullshit excuses about why I need to go to the general store at odd hours of the day.

Thanks for making my quit stronger today. Quit on.

Well done Tuco... You are becoming a badass quitter my friend.

Quit on!

TG - Thank you for making me completely forget about the "Cum Bubble Battle" of 2014. That crap is NOT what this site is all about. Helping each other by sharing great stories like yours is what makes this site great. Nice job!

^^^ I echo my June brother, Spence's words. Thanks for being honest, well spoken, and to the point. You're winning this battle, ODAAT. Btw... sweet screen name! If you want to chat Breaking Bad, PM me. You should also PM me for my digits for extra accountability. Proud to quit with you guys like you, Tuco (that felt wrong knowing who Tuco is). Seriously, it's because of guys like you, I still get excited to quit EDD. Keep rocking it, brother!

I want to pile on here. You have some great support and a good start. Keep the attitude in like like you have it, and learn all you can. Make all the friends you can to help you stay accountable and so serve as support when it gets tough. It will alternate- tough times, and good times. Over time, it gets much better, fast. Take time to enjoy the freedom as you become aware of how good it all feels! j

Proud to have you with us. Quit one day at a time and get involved here.

I'm quit with you today.

A tip- keep a log here as you go, and refer back to it. You write well. It will help you later- by creating a record of what you never want to go through again. And it will help others all along the way.

Quit on!

Great intro. Damn proud to quit with you. Keep up the bad ass quit.