Just Getting Started

[dchogs]

love your quit lately, brother. i said it before, but it's worth saying again: this place is better with you active and dropping knowledge on folks.

proud to be quit with you. every day.

[zam]

I didn't post roll yesterday. It bores me now. I have other things going on in my life so I don't need to post roll every day. Or at least I don't need to make it a priority. If I have time or if I think about it, I'll post roll. But if I have something better to do, then I'll do that instead. I'm quit 330 days today. I don't need to be here every day. For what? To post roll and leave?

This is my mental battle every day. I know it's the addict in me trying to retake control.

But part of it is accurate. Posting roll DOES bore me now. Because I frequently only have time to post roll and leave, I often think "why bother?" The thing is, I DO need to be here everyday, but posting roll and leaving isn't being here. And if I can't "be here" then I become apathetic about posting roll. But then again, that's where I found myself in June of last year... being apathetic about posting roll, then skipping out for a while... then dancing with the nic bitch and starting all over again.

I received an email from Luby yesterday, basically admonishing me for being inconsistent and weak in my quit. Telling me I better get my ass back in here and be active or I was going to fail again. Not his exact words, but that's how I took them. And I think that's how he meant them. I was pissed. Fuck you man. I don't have time for this shit. It's not a 2 minute roll post for me. If I can't be all-in I'm not going to half-ass it.

No. I didn't post roll yesterday. But Luby bothered me all fucking night. Because he was right. And I'm a douchebag. What I came to realize was that - for me - posting roll is NOT "per034 - day xxx". Posting roll - for me - is reading intros and commenting on threads and popping into chat. Technically, posting roll is "per034 - day xxx" But that don't mean shit to me and my quit. I realized last night that, in order for me to post roll, I need to be here. Fuck I've talked about "being here" so many fucking times in the past 2+ years. I sound like a broken record. But I think Luby knocked something loose. I need to post roll my way and the right way. They aren't one and the same.

Keep kicking me in the balls Luby. It's not wasted on me.

per034 - Day 330.

Per - I have always admired your desire to be actively involved in this community. When you were quit with the Quitheads, you were always one of the first to spark discussion or share your thoughts. I believe your presence was beneficial to all our quits, as well as to many outside August 2011.

That being said, I think your "all or nothing" mentality is unrealistic. There will be days where you just cannot participate on this site as much as you would like. So what. Make up for it the next day if you are so worried about it.

Your disdain for "half-assing" it is what caused your last quit to fail. There is no way I can possibly express my gratitude for the vets of this site who consistently provide encouragement to first time quitters, rip new assholes for cavers, and do everything else in between to make this site what it is: a life line. I may be a shitty person for not paying it forward as much as others have, but my inability to actively participate 24/7 is not going to be an excuse for me to drift away from this site and eventually cave.

What three-item list do you see more than anything around KTC?

1) Post roll
2) Keep your word
3) Repeat

Nothing says you have to stop in chat for X number of minutes per day, or post X number of times per day. Ya, you may not be helping as many fellow quitters by not being involved here ALL THE TIME, but I'll guarantee you your kids and wife would rather you post roll, keep your word and repeat, versus the alternative of fading away from KTC and caving again.

I am sorry if this comes off as harsh. That is not my intent. I am a little surprised, however, that you appear to be falling into the same "boredom" that cost you your last quit. Please don't make the same mistake again.

Good seeing you in August 2011 this morning - don't be a stranger.

Parry

two things:

1. per... this place is a shit-ton better with you here, active, and kickin' ass.

2. parry's right... if you post roll, it's off the table. so, you need to post roll every day.


i've spent the last year largely posting roll and bugging out. a new job with increased responsibilities continues to kick my ass during the day, and i'm exhausted enough at night to not have the energy to drop knowledge here. like you and parry, i do feel guilty about that, and i've enjoyed my recent burst of activity. but the benefits (to you and to those you help) of being active do not make the quickie post-and-run less significant to your quit.

posting roll makes you remember. posting roll steels your quit for the day. posting roll (yes, just posting roll) gives those you quit with a chaser of support to follow their quit shooter. june might be a bad month for you, brother.

my last piece of advice is that posting roll is as significant as you make it. you can throw down a "per- xxx" or you can throw down a "per- xxx- has anyone noticed how big luby's quit sack is?" shit, even the "per-xxx" can be super meaningful if you take a couple seconds to think about what posting those 7 characters really MEANS.

so, like parry said, don't hold yourself up to impossible standards... sometimes that can be the nic bitch purposefully setting you up to fail so that "just one" become more of a reality. folks get busy, work can suck, but KTC quitters are always quitting.

good to see you...

Thanks guys. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond to this and I do miss the brotherhood I fucked up with you.

I'm going to post roll daily. My point was simply that getting on and off is not as effective for me. I'm not suggesting I need to quantify the time I spend here. I'm just saying I need to actually be here more often. I'm sure Scott Macek posted roll and left for all 105 days he was quit before caving out of the Quitheads.

I just need more. I'll keep posting roll - and will be more consistent. But I need to be more active to keep my quit tighter.

per, that's good stuff. And I'm not talking about the part where luby kicks you in the sac. Made me think, and I don't think much.

[per034]

I didn't post roll yesterday. It bores me now. I have other things going on in my life so I don't need to post roll every day. Or at least I don't need to make it a priority. If I have time or if I think about it, I'll post roll. But if I have something better to do, then I'll do that instead. I'm quit 330 days today. I don't need to be here every day. For what? To post roll and leave?

This is my mental battle every day. I know it's the addict in me trying to retake control.

But part of it is accurate. Posting roll DOES bore me now. Because I frequently only have time to post roll and leave, I often think "why bother?" The thing is, I DO need to be here everyday, but posting roll and leaving isn't being here. And if I can't "be here" then I become apathetic about posting roll. But then again, that's where I found myself in June of last year... being apathetic about posting roll, then skipping out for a while... then dancing with the nic bitch and starting all over again.

I received an email from Luby yesterday, basically admonishing me for being inconsistent and weak in my quit. Telling me I better get my ass back in here and be active or I was going to fail again. Not his exact words, but that's how I took them. And I think that's how he meant them. I was pissed. Fuck you man. I don't have time for this shit. It's not a 2 minute roll post for me. If I can't be all-in I'm not going to half-ass it.

No. I didn't post roll yesterday. But Luby bothered me all fucking night. Because he was right. And I'm a douchebag. What I came to realize was that - for me - posting roll is NOT "per034 - day xxx". Posting roll - for me - is reading intros and commenting on threads and popping into chat. Technically, posting roll is "per034 - day xxx" But that don't mean shit to me and my quit. I realized last night that, in order for me to post roll, I need to be here. Fuck I've talked about "being here" so many fucking times in the past 2+ years. I sound like a broken record. But I think Luby knocked something loose. I need to post roll my way and the right way. They aren't one and the same.

Keep kicking me in the balls Luby. It's not wasted on me.

per034 - Day 330.

Per - I have always admired your desire to be actively involved in this community. When you were quit with the Quitheads, you were always one of the first to spark discussion or share your thoughts. I believe your presence was beneficial to all our quits, as well as to many outside August 2011.

That being said, I think your "all or nothing" mentality is unrealistic. There will be days where you just cannot participate on this site as much as you would like. So what. Make up for it the next day if you are so worried about it.

Your disdain for "half-assing" it is what caused your last quit to fail. There is no way I can possibly express my gratitude for the vets of this site who consistently provide encouragement to first time quitters, rip new assholes for cavers, and do everything else in between to make this site what it is: a life line. I may be a shitty person for not paying it forward as much as others have, but my inability to actively participate 24/7 is not going to be an excuse for me to drift away from this site and eventually cave.

What three-item list do you see more than anything around KTC?

1) Post roll
2) Keep your word
3) Repeat

Nothing says you have to stop in chat for X number of minutes per day, or post X number of times per day. Ya, you may not be helping as many fellow quitters by not being involved here ALL THE TIME, but I'll guarantee you your kids and wife would rather you post roll, keep your word and repeat, versus the alternative of fading away from KTC and caving again.

I am sorry if this comes off as harsh. That is not my intent. I am a little surprised, however, that you appear to be falling into the same "boredom" that cost you your last quit. Please don't make the same mistake again.

Good seeing you in August 2011 this morning - don't be a stranger.

Parry

two things:

1. per... this place is a shit-ton better with you here, active, and kickin' ass.

2. parry's right... if you post roll, it's off the table. so, you need to post roll every day.


i've spent the last year largely posting roll and bugging out. a new job with increased responsibilities continues to kick my ass during the day, and i'm exhausted enough at night to not have the energy to drop knowledge here. like you and parry, i do feel guilty about that, and i've enjoyed my recent burst of activity. but the benefits (to you and to those you help) of being active do not make the quickie post-and-run less significant to your quit.

posting roll makes you remember. posting roll steels your quit for the day. posting roll (yes, just posting roll) gives those you quit with a chaser of support to follow their quit shooter. june might be a bad month for you, brother.

my last piece of advice is that posting roll is as significant as you make it. you can throw down a "per- xxx" or you can throw down a "per- xxx- has anyone noticed how big luby's quit sack is?" shit, even the "per-xxx" can be super meaningful if you take a couple seconds to think about what posting those 7 characters really MEANS.

so, like parry said, don't hold yourself up to impossible standards... sometimes that can be the nic bitch purposefully setting you up to fail so that "just one" become more of a reality. folks get busy, work can suck, but KTC quitters are always quitting.

good to see you...

Thanks guys. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond to this and I do miss the brotherhood I fucked up with you.

I'm going to post roll daily. My point was simply that getting on and off is not as effective for me. I'm not suggesting I need to quantify the time I spend here. I'm just saying I need to actually be here more often. I'm sure Scott Macek posted roll and left for all 105 days he was quit before caving out of the Quitheads.

I just need more. I'll keep posting roll - and will be more consistent. But I need to be more active to keep my quit tighter.

[luby]

I didn't post roll yesterday. It bores me now. I have other things going on in my life so I don't need to post roll every day. Or at least I don't need to make it a priority. If I have time or if I think about it, I'll post roll. But if I have something better to do, then I'll do that instead. I'm quit 330 days today. I don't need to be here every day. For what? To post roll and leave?

This is my mental battle every day. I know it's the addict in me trying to retake control.

But part of it is accurate. Posting roll DOES bore me now. Because I frequently only have time to post roll and leave, I often think "why bother?" The thing is, I DO need to be here everyday, but posting roll and leaving isn't being here. And if I can't "be here" then I become apathetic about posting roll. But then again, that's where I found myself in June of last year... being apathetic about posting roll, then skipping out for a while... then dancing with the nic bitch and starting all over again.

I received an email from Luby yesterday, basically admonishing me for being inconsistent and weak in my quit. Telling me I better get my ass back in here and be active or I was going to fail again. Not his exact words, but that's how I took them. And I think that's how he meant them. I was pissed. Fuck you man. I don't have time for this shit. It's not a 2 minute roll post for me. If I can't be all-in I'm not going to half-ass it.

No. I didn't post roll yesterday. But Luby bothered me all fucking night. Because he was right. And I'm a douchebag. What I came to realize was that - for me - posting roll is NOT "per034 - day xxx". Posting roll - for me - is reading intros and commenting on threads and popping into chat. Technically, posting roll is "per034 - day xxx" But that don't mean shit to me and my quit. I realized last night that, in order for me to post roll, I need to be here. Fuck I've talked about "being here" so many fucking times in the past 2+ years. I sound like a broken record. But I think Luby knocked something loose. I need to post roll my way and the right way. They aren't one and the same.

Keep kicking me in the balls Luby. It's not wasted on me.

per034 - Day 330.

Per - I have always admired your desire to be actively involved in this community. When you were quit with the Quitheads, you were always one of the first to spark discussion or share your thoughts. I believe your presence was beneficial to all our quits, as well as to many outside August 2011.

That being said, I think your "all or nothing" mentality is unrealistic. There will be days where you just cannot participate on this site as much as you would like. So what. Make up for it the next day if you are so worried about it.

Your disdain for "half-assing" it is what caused your last quit to fail. There is no way I can possibly express my gratitude for the vets of this site who consistently provide encouragement to first time quitters, rip new assholes for cavers, and do everything else in between to make this site what it is: a life line. I may be a shitty person for not paying it forward as much as others have, but my inability to actively participate 24/7 is not going to be an excuse for me to drift away from this site and eventually cave.

What three-item list do you see more than anything around KTC?

1) Post roll
2) Keep your word
3) Repeat

Nothing says you have to stop in chat for X number of minutes per day, or post X number of times per day. Ya, you may not be helping as many fellow quitters by not being involved here ALL THE TIME, but I'll guarantee you your kids and wife would rather you post roll, keep your word and repeat, versus the alternative of fading away from KTC and caving again.

I am sorry if this comes off as harsh. That is not my intent. I am a little surprised, however, that you appear to be falling into the same "boredom" that cost you your last quit. Please don't make the same mistake again.

Good seeing you in August 2011 this morning - don't be a stranger.

Parry

two things:

1. per... this place is a shit-ton better with you here, active, and kickin' ass.

2. parry's right... if you post roll, it's off the table. so, you need to post roll every day.


i've spent the last year largely posting roll and bugging out. a new job with increased responsibilities continues to kick my ass during the day, and i'm exhausted enough at night to not have the energy to drop knowledge here. like you and parry, i do feel guilty about that, and i've enjoyed my recent burst of activity. but the benefits (to you and to those you help) of being active do not make the quickie post-and-run less significant to your quit.

posting roll makes you remember. posting roll steels your quit for the day. posting roll (yes, just posting roll) gives those you quit with a chaser of support to follow their quit shooter. june might be a bad month for you, brother.

my last piece of advice is that posting roll is as significant as you make it. you can throw down a "per- xxx" or you can throw down a "per- xxx- has anyone noticed how big luby's quit sack is?" shit, even the "per-xxx" can be super meaningful if you take a couple seconds to think about what posting those 7 characters really MEANS.

so, like parry said, don't hold yourself up to impossible standards... sometimes that can be the nic bitch purposefully setting you up to fail so that "just one" become more of a reality. folks get busy, work can suck, but KTC quitters are always quitting.

good to see you...

Just got done with the 5 hour drive from hell through traffic and shitty rainy weather, the same drive that scared the shit out of me early in my quit, now I won't say it doesn't bother me but I have the tools to deal with it. Early in my quit a lot of those tools were shown to me by per in my intro thread. I don't think he knew at the time how much his early advice to me meant, why would he, he was trying to help but he didn't know I clung to some of that advice during some of my darkest hours. Probably why I reacted to his cave the way I did, I basically blew a gasket but when he started showing the quit balls again I was all in, I'd do anything to help....
My email yesterday wasn't meant to piss you off, I did intend to call you out because I was worried about you. I wasn't paying attention when you caved before but you owned that shit and told everyone how it happened (which in and of itself was a tremendous learning experience for me, I recognized things I myself was doing) so I wanted to help head that off if I could. Did I mean to piss you off, not really but I am glad I did. This place is better with you a part of it. Just like its a better place when I am here more. This is real life we are not always gonna have time to give this place the effort it deserves or to give every newby the advice we have lived to tell but anything we can give back and pay forward is gonna help this battle we are in together.
Damn proud to quit with Per today

[dchogs]

I didn't post roll yesterday. It bores me now. I have other things going on in my life so I don't need to post roll every day. Or at least I don't need to make it a priority. If I have time or if I think about it, I'll post roll. But if I have something better to do, then I'll do that instead. I'm quit 330 days today. I don't need to be here every day. For what? To post roll and leave?

This is my mental battle every day. I know it's the addict in me trying to retake control.

But part of it is accurate. Posting roll DOES bore me now. Because I frequently only have time to post roll and leave, I often think "why bother?" The thing is, I DO need to be here everyday, but posting roll and leaving isn't being here. And if I can't "be here" then I become apathetic about posting roll. But then again, that's where I found myself in June of last year... being apathetic about posting roll, then skipping out for a while... then dancing with the nic bitch and starting all over again.

I received an email from Luby yesterday, basically admonishing me for being inconsistent and weak in my quit. Telling me I better get my ass back in here and be active or I was going to fail again. Not his exact words, but that's how I took them. And I think that's how he meant them. I was pissed. Fuck you man. I don't have time for this shit. It's not a 2 minute roll post for me. If I can't be all-in I'm not going to half-ass it.

No. I didn't post roll yesterday. But Luby bothered me all fucking night. Because he was right. And I'm a douchebag. What I came to realize was that - for me - posting roll is NOT "per034 - day xxx". Posting roll - for me - is reading intros and commenting on threads and popping into chat. Technically, posting roll is "per034 - day xxx" But that don't mean shit to me and my quit. I realized last night that, in order for me to post roll, I need to be here. Fuck I've talked about "being here" so many fucking times in the past 2+ years. I sound like a broken record. But I think Luby knocked something loose. I need to post roll my way and the right way. They aren't one and the same.

Keep kicking me in the balls Luby. It's not wasted on me.

per034 - Day 330.

Per - I have always admired your desire to be actively involved in this community. When you were quit with the Quitheads, you were always one of the first to spark discussion or share your thoughts. I believe your presence was beneficial to all our quits, as well as to many outside August 2011.

That being said, I think your "all or nothing" mentality is unrealistic. There will be days where you just cannot participate on this site as much as you would like. So what. Make up for it the next day if you are so worried about it.

Your disdain for "half-assing" it is what caused your last quit to fail. There is no way I can possibly express my gratitude for the vets of this site who consistently provide encouragement to first time quitters, rip new assholes for cavers, and do everything else in between to make this site what it is: a life line. I may be a shitty person for not paying it forward as much as others have, but my inability to actively participate 24/7 is not going to be an excuse for me to drift away from this site and eventually cave.

What three-item list do you see more than anything around KTC?

1) Post roll
2) Keep your word
3) Repeat

Nothing says you have to stop in chat for X number of minutes per day, or post X number of times per day. Ya, you may not be helping as many fellow quitters by not being involved here ALL THE TIME, but I'll guarantee you your kids and wife would rather you post roll, keep your word and repeat, versus the alternative of fading away from KTC and caving again.

I am sorry if this comes off as harsh. That is not my intent. I am a little surprised, however, that you appear to be falling into the same "boredom" that cost you your last quit. Please don't make the same mistake again.

Good seeing you in August 2011 this morning - don't be a stranger.

Parry

two things:

1. per... this place is a shit-ton better with you here, active, and kickin' ass.

2. parry's right... if you post roll, it's off the table. so, you need to post roll every day.


i've spent the last year largely posting roll and bugging out. a new job with increased responsibilities continues to kick my ass during the day, and i'm exhausted enough at night to not have the energy to drop knowledge here. like you and parry, i do feel guilty about that, and i've enjoyed my recent burst of activity. but the benefits (to you and to those you help) of being active do not make the quickie post-and-run less significant to your quit.

posting roll makes you remember. posting roll steels your quit for the day. posting roll (yes, just posting roll) gives those you quit with a chaser of support to follow their quit shooter. june might be a bad month for you, brother.

my last piece of advice is that posting roll is as significant as you make it. you can throw down a "per- xxx" or you can throw down a "per- xxx- has anyone noticed how big luby's quit sack is?" shit, even the "per-xxx" can be super meaningful if you take a couple seconds to think about what posting those 7 characters really MEANS.

so, like parry said, don't hold yourself up to impossible standards... sometimes that can be the nic bitch purposefully setting you up to fail so that "just one" become more of a reality. folks get busy, work can suck, but KTC quitters are always quitting.

good to see you...

[parry8587]

I didn't post roll yesterday. It bores me now. I have other things going on in my life so I don't need to post roll every day. Or at least I don't need to make it a priority. If I have time or if I think about it, I'll post roll. But if I have something better to do, then I'll do that instead. I'm quit 330 days today. I don't need to be here every day. For what? To post roll and leave?

This is my mental battle every day. I know it's the addict in me trying to retake control.

But part of it is accurate. Posting roll DOES bore me now. Because I frequently only have time to post roll and leave, I often think "why bother?" The thing is, I DO need to be here everyday, but posting roll and leaving isn't being here. And if I can't "be here" then I become apathetic about posting roll. But then again, that's where I found myself in June of last year... being apathetic about posting roll, then skipping out for a while... then dancing with the nic bitch and starting all over again.

I received an email from Luby yesterday, basically admonishing me for being inconsistent and weak in my quit. Telling me I better get my ass back in here and be active or I was going to fail again. Not his exact words, but that's how I took them. And I think that's how he meant them. I was pissed. Fuck you man. I don't have time for this shit. It's not a 2 minute roll post for me. If I can't be all-in I'm not going to half-ass it.

No. I didn't post roll yesterday. But Luby bothered me all fucking night. Because he was right. And I'm a douchebag. What I came to realize was that - for me - posting roll is NOT "per034 - day xxx". Posting roll - for me - is reading intros and commenting on threads and popping into chat. Technically, posting roll is "per034 - day xxx" But that don't mean shit to me and my quit. I realized last night that, in order for me to post roll, I need to be here. Fuck I've talked about "being here" so many fucking times in the past 2+ years. I sound like a broken record. But I think Luby knocked something loose. I need to post roll my way and the right way. They aren't one and the same.

Keep kicking me in the balls Luby. It's not wasted on me.

per034 - Day 330.

Per - I have always admired your desire to be actively involved in this community. When you were quit with the Quitheads, you were always one of the first to spark discussion or share your thoughts. I believe your presence was beneficial to all our quits, as well as to many outside August 2011.

That being said, I think your "all or nothing" mentality is unrealistic. There will be days where you just cannot participate on this site as much as you would like. So what. Make up for it the next day if you are so worried about it.

Your disdain for "half-assing" it is what caused your last quit to fail. There is no way I can possibly express my gratitude for the vets of this site who consistently provide encouragement to first time quitters, rip new assholes for cavers, and do everything else in between to make this site what it is: a life line. I may be a shitty person for not paying it forward as much as others have, but my inability to actively participate 24/7 is not going to be an excuse for me to drift away from this site and eventually cave.

What three-item list do you see more than anything around KTC?

1) Post roll
2) Keep your word
3) Repeat

Nothing says you have to stop in chat for X number of minutes per day, or post X number of times per day. Ya, you may not be helping as many fellow quitters by not being involved here ALL THE TIME, but I'll guarantee you your kids and wife would rather you post roll, keep your word and repeat, versus the alternative of fading away from KTC and caving again.

I am sorry if this comes off as harsh. That is not my intent. I am a little surprised, however, that you appear to be falling into the same "boredom" that cost you your last quit. Please don't make the same mistake again.

Good seeing you in August 2011 this morning - don't be a stranger.

Parry

[kkljinc]

I quit with you today, Per, nicely said. Good to see you.

[per034]

I didn't post roll yesterday. It bores me now. I have other things going on in my life so I don't need to post roll every day. Or at least I don't need to make it a priority. If I have time or if I think about it, I'll post roll. But if I have something better to do, then I'll do that instead. I'm quit 330 days today. I don't need to be here every day. For what? To post roll and leave?

This is my mental battle every day. I know it's the addict in me trying to retake control.

But part of it is accurate. Posting roll DOES bore me now. Because I frequently only have time to post roll and leave, I often think "why bother?" The thing is, I DO need to be here everyday, but posting roll and leaving isn't being here. And if I can't "be here" then I become apathetic about posting roll. But then again, that's where I found myself in June of last year... being apathetic about posting roll, then skipping out for a while... then dancing with the nic bitch and starting all over again.

I received an email from Luby yesterday, basically admonishing me for being inconsistent and weak in my quit. Telling me I better get my ass back in here and be active or I was going to fail again. Not his exact words, but that's how I took them. And I think that's how he meant them. I was pissed. Fuck you man. I don't have time for this shit. It's not a 2 minute roll post for me. If I can't be all-in I'm not going to half-ass it.

No. I didn't post roll yesterday. But Luby bothered me all fucking night. Because he was right. And I'm a douchebag. What I came to realize was that - for me - posting roll is NOT "per034 - day xxx". Posting roll - for me - is reading intros and commenting on threads and popping into chat. Technically, posting roll is "per034 - day xxx" But that don't mean shit to me and my quit. I realized last night that, in order for me to post roll, I need to be here. Fuck I've talked about "being here" so many fucking times in the past 2+ years. I sound like a broken record. But I think Luby knocked something loose. I need to post roll my way and the right way. They aren't one and the same.

Keep kicking me in the balls Luby. It's not wasted on me.

per034 - Day 330.

[per034]

"I love copenhagen more than I love my kids."

I've thought about that sentence for two weeks now. And I know that if you put a shotgun at my scrotum, I would tell you to pull the trigger before those words ever came out of my mouth. It's powerful. When I wrote the words I clearly had to think the words, and thinking the words - saying them in my head - is awful, but doable. But I've tried to say them out loud. I can't. I mean, I can - I know the lyrics - but I can't. It's like fucking Fonzie saying "wrong." If you have someone you love - I mean REALLY REALLY fucking love with every ounce of your being, and you feel the craving, try to say those words OUT LOUD. And don't let yourself have that dip until you do.

I went to the ENT today. First time in my life. My jaw has been hurting pretty fucking badly for a couple of weeks now, and I've had this bloody mucus for some time - so I figured it was probably time to get checked. The good news is, he found nothing of concern in my mouth. Nose polyps - big fucking giant ones - but that's it. Bad news is there's definitely bleeding below the voice box. Either esophogeal or tracheobrochial (reading from the report here). Next step is a barium swallow and chest x-ray, then a head MRI. We'll see what happens. As I told Luby, I'm going with "it's fine" until I hear differently. (and I want to be clear, I don't want "prayers for you" or "in my thoughts per" - cdaniels deserved that, not me. I'm just a chicken-shit with a nose bleed).

It will come as no surprise that I'm hoping it's fine. And I'm pretty fucking positive that it is all fine - but that small little percentage of "what if" has steeled my quit. It's been 218 days since I quit. I had a run of quitTING in me back in 2011. All in all - I've dipped for 2 weeks out of the past 21 months. So if this does turn out to be "something" it just cements the concept of "it only takes one." So.. you know... never again. For any reason.

These past two weeks I've been looking at my kids a little bit longer. Like I said, I'm pretty fucking positive it's nothing. But what if, right? And I constantly think of what I may very well have done to them. How my actions may very well have ruined their lives - or at least drastically changed them forever. I've seen quit brothers talk about the moment when they "know" the door is closed. These past two weeks have not been a door closing. It's a burial (without the prerequisite bagpipes). This bitch has been buried becuase of a stupid scare that's probably nothing. But if it is nothing I cannot be more thankful for that scare. And I know there will be times ahead of me where I'll get the ghost of the nic bitch whispering in my ear. But she's dead and buried now. Don't get me wrong, I'm on guard for the ghost. But there's one sentence I won't ever say - and that sentence is the only way dip can re-enter my life.

[30yraddict]

I quit with you today.

[Scowick65]

There is no question, you were meant to be here. Thanks for sharing. Keep bringing the quit.

[Greg5280]

Thanks for sharing. Always remember why you are here...

Never forget you are an addict. You are NEVER cured.

STAY QUIT
Greg

[Ready]

Thanks for writing and posting this Per.

[TSNUS]

Thanks for sharing per. Lots of useful info here and good reminder to never let down our guard, proud to be quit with you today.

[wastepanel]

So I've been encouraged by others to share my story as a retread. I'm not happy about it. I don't like being a retread. I was in the August 11 Quithead group and I was damn fucking proud to be in that group. It meant a lot to me. I took great pride in being a part of that group. I made it past a year.

I made it 411 days. And then I caved. Why? Becuase I thought "I can have just one."

Now... being quit for 411 days, I was convinced that I can have just one. I'll spend the five bucks and buy a tin, have one dip, and pitch the can. Right? It's like a luxury purchase. Five bucks for a dip... no biggie. I hadn't posted roll in a while - I had "left the hospital." It wouldn't matter if I had "just one." Here's the problem. When I spit that dip out, I still had the tin. Easily 7-10 dips left in that can. I had already done one. Why throw away five bucks? I can have one a day for the next 10 days, and then I'll throw it out. Good idea Per. Celebrate that idea with another dip! You can have one a day for the next nine days. You'll be fine. It's just one more. But then later that night, after realizing I've thrown away 411 days of quit, I get depressed. Why bother anymore? Might as well just finish this can as quickly as possible and then start my quit all over again from day one. The next morning I'm committed to finishing the can and starting day one the following day.

The problem was, I finished that can at around 4:00. Can't drive home like that. I'm going to quit TOMORROW! Not today. I need to time this perfectly. I'll buy another tin and be sure to finish it before the night is out. that way, when I wake up tomorrow morning, I won't have a tin anymore and it will be easy to start with day 1 again.

Here's the catch. I never finished that tin that night. I did the right thing - I threw it out. But if it were REALLY the right thing, I would have dumped it out. nope. part of me knew that I wasn't going to quit. I may as well have simply placed the can gently on the top of the garbage pile, because in the morning I did some dumpster diving. I'll quit tomorrow. How quickly that addicted mind comes back to "I'll quit tomorrow." Tomorrow never comes.

And how did this all start? Arrogance. Overconfidence. I can have "just one." That one turned into one tin. Then it snowballed. I realize this is a rambling post... sorry. Here's the upshot:

We do NOT have control over our addiction. We only have control over our CHOICES. Our addiction will ALWAYS be there. We CHOOSE NOT to surrender to that addiction. The second you believe you have control over your addiction, it's over. Your cave has already started. We don't own our addiction. We own free will. Never believe you have control over your addiction. Control the choices you make and your addiction will never gain strength.

Please, I'm begging you, do NOT throw away what you've accomplished. If you've been quit for one day or 1,000 days, don't throw it away. Now I'm proud to be part of the Madmen of October and have another 100 days under my belt. And I can gaurantee that I will never believe that "just one" will be just one. It won't. It just won't. There is no such thing as "just one." I promise.

Bad.fucking.ass.
Thank You.

Let's fucking do this today.

I am very proud of you. There is nothing harder than owning your past, and sometimes that past will come back and try to consume you. Don't let it.

Learn from your past.
Quit for today.
Fuck tomorrow.

There's a lot of people that return to this site. That doesn't make them a retread.

A retread is:

---A badass motherfucker that can admit that he gave up the keys to freedom once
--knows why he failed and is taking steps not to repeat those mistakes again
--vows to protect his quit (and lives those words out)
--helps others understand what failure is and how to rise above it

You, sir, are officially a retread. Congratulations.