Awareness.
I haven't posted here after introducing myself, mostly because I didn't really have anything ground breaking to discuss. But, I had somewhat of a mini personal revelation last night, and I am sure this has probably been touched on by someone much more along in the game, so this probably isn't ground breaking either.
In all my previous quits I wasn't prepared. I wasn't ready for an overwhelming feeling that I couldn't control my own decisions, I wasn't prepared to feel like an addict. I would think things were going smoothly and then all of a sudden I was dipping again, but I hadn't consciously made the decision to start up again, it just happened.
When I began this quit, my last quit, from day one I constantly reminded myself that quitting wasn't an option, so there was nothing to debate or lose sleep over. I slept fine, I couldn't focus for shit, but it wasn't because I was longing for a dip. From the beginning it was quit, option A B C D...Z, all quit, no alternatives. Now, 66 days in, I will be honest it gets a bit tiring to constantly think about quitting, and this is something I think chewie has discussed in one of his many seminal posts. But, I still do it, growing up and playing sports a common saying was complacency kills. The daily reminders have helped, but even more, the information on this site has prepared me for everything that has come my way...the sore throat, the irritability, the fog, the funk and everything in between. Feels like I got a play book that covers the offense and defense for exactly how this nicotine crap works.
So, last night as I walked into the gas station to pick up some gum and drinks, it was like I was going into battle. I had been to the same store many times in the past days since I quit, but for some reason and maybe it was the funk, I felt particularly vulnerable last night. BUT, I was completely aware of what was waiting for me, I knew my eyes would automatically go to the rack of cans, they would look a little brighter than everything else in the store, and I almost laughed out loud thinking "I see you, you aren't catching me off guard, not anymore". The only thing I can think of to explain this awareness is this site. So for anyone just getting started, and to reiterate what others have said, it can be tiring, it isn't easy, but if you follow the play book that the vets have laid out, keep your word, and read some more, I promise you will always be aware and nothing will catch you off guard.
