Rock intro

[Big Swede]

excellent post, Mthomas

You hit the essence of the marriage partnership straight on with your remarks. I tried to hide my addiction from my wife and kids and actually kidded myself that I was hiding it for their sake. Once I got into my quit, I knew that I would need a support group - KTC has been a great source and given me great strength. However, my wife and kids have been the greatest source of strength and enouragement over these past almost 50 days.

I think I would have caved if I had tried to hide my emotions, my rage, and frustration from my wife as I embarked on this journey. She has been an incredible cheerleader and our relationship continues to grow as a result of this shared trial.

As for the kids, coming clean with them was difficult. It shouldn't have been. They all knew that I dipped - we just pretended that I didn't (that's it kids just ignore the empty in dad's car or the black grit all over his teeth). As difficult as it was to come clean, my 3 children are another source of strength and inspiration. Whatever shame came with coming clean, it was overshadowed by the admiration and pride of my kids.

[Mthomas3824]

Well I have a slightly different take...as usual....and as usual it will piss some people off on this site....but I am used to doing that.

Everyone is correct in saying that your accountabilty factor rises when you tell everyone you are quit. The more people you would dissapoint if you started using again adds a big guilt fear to your quit. Even though most say to quit for yourself and not others. /shrug
 
I don't see the upside in telling your wife you dipped for 10 years. You had an affair with nicotine for 10 years, and now that affair is over. Same as if you had an actual affair with another woman. If it's over with her, there is only pain and grief if you "fess" up about your affair. The common thought now from many analysts is that confessing your past affair is done to relieve your guilt. It does nothing but hurt your spouse.

Right or wrong, it's just one mans take.

More importantly is to stay quit. Post roll everyday and use the amazing support you will receive from the crazy ass quiters on this site.

I have been married 21 years and have 3 kids. I didn't get this far keeping secrets.

Oh don't get me wrong, I tried. Every time I got caught, my wife was more angry that I didn't trust her enough, or I lied, or I didn't involve her, or that I thought I was smarter than her and could hide it.

My point. Your wife is your partner. Things I learned over the years.

Women: its in their nature to forgive

Time and time again, my wife amazes me at what a rock she is. I think most women are like her. They are very strong. The express emotions, but they can handle it.

It hurts them not to know every victory or every struggle. They want to share pain along with excitement.

When my dad died. I tried to mourn in secret. My wife gave me my space but never let me be alone too long. She cried more than I did. She showed me that even in heartache, I want her by my side. Likewise, I'll be there for her too.

My friend coming clean is scary but if you take the plunge there is so much opportunity to grow. Give your wife that opportunity to show you that she loves you unconditionally. Come clean. If you bury this, you didn't trust her. You are worried that she will be mad that you lied. You should also weigh out the fact that you don't trust her love for you.

Take the test. If you are humble, have a broken heart and tell her that you tried and couldn't do it and discovered that it is an addiction but you finally believe you can quit with her support, you might fall more in love with her than you are now.

Why put her through the pain...just like embracing the suck. So you don't repeat it and you will realize how much you love her back.

My wife is 41. Still she is the most beatiful woman from inside out that I know. I credit that to coming clean.

Its your life and your are going to do what you want but keeping this secret in the closet any longer is an opportunity to grow with your wife...missed.

[Ricko]

So I told my wife about 5 days in because I was crying when I picked up a screwdriver, I could not touch my tools and just about all my little tinkering job s came to a standstill. I had something different going on because my wife was consumed in her own issues, but it did not help her with me spazzing and crying about nick. She thought I got a couple of girlfriends on line cause I was always here at KTC. Then when she found out they were men and that I was meeting them for a get together at a resturant she was really confused. She did not like my change. I depended on her mess so that she would not realize what all I was doing while quitting, drugs, lots of alcohol, because it was tough.

I used the letter in the welcome part of the sight. I just handed it her and said read this. It will explain why I am crazy. She did appreciate me letting her know that because she was thinking other issues, but she really mentioned a couple of times that I should continue to dip becuase the mood swings really suck. enough of my story.

[carumba10]

Well I have a slightly different take...as usual....and as usual it will piss some people off on this site....but I am used to doing that.

Everyone is correct in saying that your accountabilty factor rises when you tell everyone you are quit. The more people you would dissapoint if you started using again adds a big guilt fear to your quit. Even though most say to quit for yourself and not others. /shrug

I don't see the upside in telling your wife you dipped for 10 years. You had an affair with nicotine for 10 years, and now that affair is over. Same as if you had an actual affair with another woman. If it's over with her, there is only pain and grief if you "fess" up about your affair. The common thought now from many analysts is that confessing your past affair is done to relieve your guilt. It does nothing but hurt your spouse.

Right or wrong, it's just one mans take.

More importantly is to stay quit. Post roll everyday and use the amazing support you will receive from the crazy ass quiters on this site.

[brotherofnomosko]

I'll continue to weigh the pros and cons of coming clean to the wife; pro--I know it'll help hold me accountable in the long run. But the biiiiiig con: since I've been Stealth for so long that's as good as lying to my wife for all of the 10 years that we've known each other. I think that con of hurting her makes me OK with internalizing this. What I know that means, though, is that I'll have to lean on y'all more to keep me accountable. I know this though--I'm on day 3 and just as resolved as day 0 to quit for good. I just get to thinking about all the times that Skoal has made me think she's more important than my family. And I bought her shit. Bitch. Never again you filthy bitch. I don't even cuss but I'm venting because I'm so pissed right now at how addicted I am...this is just a run-on stream of conciousness...Skoal is a bitch cunt whore.

Just a note of introduction as I begin the journey toward freedom from the shit.  I'm married, have a couple of unbelieveably great kids, an envigorating job, and an awesome life.  I've been married for going on 8 years now, and so have stealthed THE ENTIRE TIME.  I'm pretty damn good at it, but my luck is running out.  I've tried to quit probably 10 times in my life and have had two sustained quits, so gotta figure out how to make this different.  As I go through day 3 of the suckiness right now, I'm thinking this time will be different because 1) I'm going to use this site for support and 2) I know that dipping wasn't just a habit, it's an addiction and I KNOW (the cliche) that I can't just dip once here or there.  It's all or nothing.

I'm quitting for me; first because I hate the habit and hate being a slave to anything.  Second, because when I do get caught by wife wife and kids it is going to prove to them that I'm a liar.  And third, I love my life too much to die young.

Here I go...

Rock,

There are more ninja quitters here than you could ever imagine.

:ph43r:

Have you thought about coming clean?

Rock,

I'm going to throw another perspective on this...

I was an awesome ninja (read my HOF for the details). As far as my wife knew, I had been quit for years and years, so coming clean was going to be a huge admission.

I fought through HOF without telling my spouse, and I look back and think that it was a good decision for me. She would have been severely negative about my quit initially, and it would have been the last thing I needed to hear. It was not a fight that I would have wanted at that time.

A small caveat, though, is that I had crazy good support from others. I relied on my brother (who's here...you can probably guess), and I made the site my home. Everything that a supportive spouse could offer, I had to replace with people here.

Also, there will be anger involved if you don't come clean. My wife knows the challenges I face, and knowing that I didn't trust her enough to tell her was hurtful. Coming clean about not coming clean was not necessarily an easier conversation than if I had just come clean from the start.

So, long story short. I chose to go alone because I knew the impact it would have had on my quit. KTC made it to where I was not alone, though.

Now, stay clean and stay quit. Keep that shit out of your lip...no matter what you have to do. PM me if you need anything.

[jaginvest]

Come clean Bro, will be the best part of your quit when she learns where you have been, and most important where you are going. Put her on the site and let her see what we do. Quit with you, but all in or nothing Brother!

[Souliman]

My quit brother...

Take it from me, coming clean now will be in your best interest. I want you to think about this:

You decide not to tell her but you continue your quit. Six months from now you are successful in maintaining your quit and you decide the time is right to tell her. She then asks why you not only hid it from her for the 10 years, but for the 6 months you have been quitting...

Although quitting needs to be for you, you will find that ninja quitting is not as successful as quitting in the open...you are still hiding things...that leads to all sorts of problems...

You have to do what is best for YOU...but listen to and take from the advice you receive from all those here...we really do have your best interest at heart...and have seen many in similar situations...

You've got my digits...and I'm your quit brother...call text or e-mail if you need anything.

CoachDoc

x2

Coach is right. The more you solidify a framework around you that doesn't permit using nicotine, the better off you are are. The stronger you are making your quit.

You need to accept that you are changing yourself with this.

[CoachDoc]

My quit brother...

Take it from me, coming clean now will be in your best interest. I want you to think about this:

You decide not to tell her but you continue your quit. Six months from now you are successful in maintaining your quit and you decide the time is right to tell her. She then asks why you not only hid it from her for the 10 years, but for the 6 months you have been quitting...

Although quitting needs to be for you, you will find that ninja quitting is not as successful as quitting in the open...you are still hiding things...that leads to all sorts of problems...

You have to do what is best for YOU...but listen to and take from the advice you receive from all those here...we really do have your best interest at heart...and have seen many in similar situations...

You've got my digits...and I'm your quit brother...call text or e-mail if you need anything.

CoachDoc

[ktb1764]

Rock -

Did you decide to tell your wife? I sure hope so - it's the right thing to do, and I think you know it. I've never read about anyone on this site who is sorry for coming clean. Yeah, there may be a littel short term pain, but in the end, it's worth it.

[LDIDDY]

I'll continue to weigh the pros and cons of coming clean to the wife; pro--I know it'll help hold me accountable in the long run.  But the biiiiiig con: since I've been Stealth for so long that's as good as lying to my wife for all of the 10 years that we've known each other.  I think that con of hurting her makes me OK with  internalizing this.  What I know that means, though, is that I'll have to lean on y'all more to keep me accountable.  I know this though--I'm on day 3 and just as resolved as day 0 to quit for good.  I just get to thinking about all the times that Skoal has made me think she's more important than my family.  And I bought her shit.  Bitch.  Never again you filthy bitch.  I don't even cuss but I'm venting because I'm so pissed right now at how addicted I am...this is just a run-on stream of conciousness...Skoal is a bitch cunt whore. 

Just a note of introduction as I begin the journey toward freedom from the shit.  I'm married, have a couple of unbelieveably great kids, an envigorating job, and an awesome life.  I've been married for going on 8 years now, and so have stealthed THE ENTIRE TIME.  I'm pretty damn good at it, but my luck is running out.  I've tried to quit probably 10 times in my life and have had two sustained quits, so gotta figure out how to make this different.  As I go through day 3 of the suckiness right now, I'm thinking this time will be different because 1) I'm going to use this site for support and 2) I know that dipping wasn't just a habit, it's an addiction and I KNOW (the cliche) that I can't just dip once here or there.  It's all or nothing.

I'm quitting for me; first because I hate the habit and hate being a slave to anything.  Second, because when I do get caught by wife wife and kids it is going to prove to them that I'm a liar.  And third, I love my life too much to die young.

Here I go...

Rock,

There are more ninja quitters here than you could ever imagine.

:ph43r:

Have you thought about coming clean?

I came clean on day 2 and if you stealth quit, you have added another level of deceit. Yes quit + deceit is WAY better than a user, but its not clean.

It was hard but the best move I made.

Your circumstances maybe different but something to consider.

Ps, nicotine is not a performance enhancing drug ;)

Welcome and pm me if you need anything.

don't be surprised if you are not as stealthy as you think you are. Most of the time THEY KNOW. When you ninja dip your integrity fails to pass muster every day. This site is about restoring integrity, the integrity we all sacrificed the day we said "I do" to the nic-bitch.

Rock, I guess we have lost sight around here a little to one of the principles we built this place around..... if you are committed to this, you need to come clean not only with your wife, but with everyone in your life.

When I finally grew a pair and quit, to make damn sure I never went back, I came clean with everyone I knew, and a lot of people I didn't know. You have to tell your family, your wife, your dog.... all of them.

Not doing so just leaves another "out" for you. "Hell, they never knew I did it anyway, so they won't care if I start again."

Don't hesitate to PM me if you need some help.

[30yraddict]

I'll continue to weigh the pros and cons of coming clean to the wife; pro--I know it'll help hold me accountable in the long run.  But the biiiiiig con: since I've been Stealth for so long that's as good as lying to my wife for all of the 10 years that we've known each other.  I think that con of hurting her makes me OK with  internalizing this.  What I know that means, though, is that I'll have to lean on y'all more to keep me accountable.  I know this though--I'm on day 3 and just as resolved as day 0 to quit for good.  I just get to thinking about all the times that Skoal has made me think she's more important than my family.  And I bought her shit.  Bitch.  Never again you filthy bitch.  I don't even cuss but I'm venting because I'm so pissed right now at how addicted I am...this is just a run-on stream of conciousness...Skoal is a bitch cunt whore. 

Just a note of introduction as I begin the journey toward freedom from the shit.  I'm married, have a couple of unbelieveably great kids, an envigorating job, and an awesome life.  I've been married for going on 8 years now, and so have stealthed THE ENTIRE TIME.  I'm pretty damn good at it, but my luck is running out.  I've tried to quit probably 10 times in my life and have had two sustained quits, so gotta figure out how to make this different.  As I go through day 3 of the suckiness right now, I'm thinking this time will be different because 1) I'm going to use this site for support and 2) I know that dipping wasn't just a habit, it's an addiction and I KNOW (the cliche) that I can't just dip once here or there.  It's all or nothing.

I'm quitting for me; first because I hate the habit and hate being a slave to anything.  Second, because when I do get caught by wife wife and kids it is going to prove to them that I'm a liar.  And third, I love my life too much to die young.

Here I go...

Rock,

There are more ninja quitters here than you could ever imagine.

:ph43r:

Have you thought about coming clean?

I came clean on day 2 and if you stealth quit, you have added another level of deceit. Yes quit + deceit is WAY better than a user, but its not clean.

It was hard but the best move I made.

Your circumstances maybe different but something to consider.

Ps, nicotine is not a performance enhancing drug ;)

Welcome and pm me if you need anything.

don't be surprised if you are not as stealthy as you think you are. Most of the time THEY KNOW. When you ninja dip your integrity fails to pass muster every day. This site is about restoring integrity, the integrity we all sacrificed the day we said "I do" to the nic-bitch.

[rock]

I'll continue to weigh the pros and cons of coming clean to the wife; pro--I know it'll help hold me accountable in the long run. But the biiiiiig con: since I've been Stealth for so long that's as good as lying to my wife for all of the 10 years that we've known each other. I think that con of hurting her makes me OK with internalizing this. What I know that means, though, is that I'll have to lean on y'all more to keep me accountable. I know this though--I'm on day 3 and just as resolved as day 0 to quit for good. I just get to thinking about all the times that Skoal has made me think she's more important than my family. And I bought her shit. Bitch. Never again you filthy bitch. I don't even cuss but I'm venting because I'm so pissed right now at how addicted I am...this is just a run-on stream of conciousness...Skoal is a bitch cunt whore.

Just a note of introduction as I begin the journey toward freedom from the shit.  I'm married, have a couple of unbelieveably great kids, an envigorating job, and an awesome life.  I've been married for going on 8 years now, and so have stealthed THE ENTIRE TIME.  I'm pretty damn good at it, but my luck is running out.  I've tried to quit probably 10 times in my life and have had two sustained quits, so gotta figure out how to make this different.  As I go through day 3 of the suckiness right now, I'm thinking this time will be different because 1) I'm going to use this site for support and 2) I know that dipping wasn't just a habit, it's an addiction and I KNOW (the cliche) that I can't just dip once here or there.  It's all or nothing.

I'm quitting for me; first because I hate the habit and hate being a slave to anything.  Second, because when I do get caught by wife wife and kids it is going to prove to them that I'm a liar.  And third, I love my life too much to die young.

Here I go...

Rock,

There are more ninja quitters here than you could ever imagine.

:ph43r:

Have you thought about coming clean?

I came clean on day 2 and if you stealth quit, you have added another level of deceit. Yes quit + deceit is WAY better than a user, but its not clean.

It was hard but the best move I made.

Your circumstances maybe different but something to consider.

Ps, nicotine is not a performance enhancing drug ;)

Welcome and pm me if you need anything.

[DW3]

Just a note of introduction as I begin the journey toward freedom from the shit.  I'm married, have a couple of unbelieveably great kids, an envigorating job, and an awesome life.  I've been married for going on 8 years now, and so have stealthed THE ENTIRE TIME.  I'm pretty damn good at it, but my luck is running out.  I've tried to quit probably 10 times in my life and have had two sustained quits, so gotta figure out how to make this different.  As I go through day 3 of the suckiness right now, I'm thinking this time will be different because 1) I'm going to use this site for support and 2) I know that dipping wasn't just a habit, it's an addiction and I KNOW (the cliche) that I can't just dip once here or there.  It's all or nothing.

I'm quitting for me; first because I hate the habit and hate being a slave to anything.  Second, because when I do get caught by wife wife and kids it is going to prove to them that I'm a liar.  And third, I love my life too much to die young.

Here I go...

Rock,

There are more ninja quitters here than you could ever imagine.

:ph43r:

Have you thought about coming clean?

I came clean on day 2 and if you stealth quit, you have added another level of deceit. Yes quit + deceit is WAY better than a user, but its not clean.

It was hard but the best move I made.

Your circumstances maybe different but something to consider.

Ps, nicotine is not a performance enhancing drug ;)

Welcome and pm me if you need anything.

[bis-cut]

Just a note of introduction as I begin the journey toward freedom from the shit. I'm married, have a couple of unbelieveably great kids, an envigorating job, and an awesome life. I've been married for going on 8 years now, and so have stealthed THE ENTIRE TIME. I'm pretty damn good at it, but my luck is running out. I've tried to quit probably 10 times in my life and have had two sustained quits, so gotta figure out how to make this different. As I go through day 3 of the suckiness right now, I'm thinking this time will be different because 1) I'm going to use this site for support and 2) I know that dipping wasn't just a habit, it's an addiction and I KNOW (the cliche) that I can't just dip once here or there. It's all or nothing.

I'm quitting for me; first because I hate the habit and hate being a slave to anything. Second, because when I do get caught by wife wife and kids it is going to prove to them that I'm a liar. And third, I love my life too much to die young.

Here I go...

glad to see you, keep pressing on you can do it

[Wt57]

Just a note of introduction as I begin the journey toward freedom from the shit. I'm married, have a couple of unbelievably great kids, an invigorating job, and an awesome life. I've been married for going on 8 years now, and so have stealthed THE ENTIRE TIME. I'm pretty damn good at it, but my luck is running out. I've tried to quit probably 10 times in my life and have had two sustained quits, so gotta figure out how to make this different. As I go through day 3 of the suckiness right now, I'm thinking this time will be different because 1) I'm going to use this site for support and 2) I know that dipping wasn't just a habit, it's an addiction and I KNOW (the cliche) that I can't just dip once here or there. It's all or nothing.

I'm quitting for me; first because I hate the habit and hate being a slave to anything. Second, because when I do get caught by wife wife and kids it is going to prove to them that I'm a liar. And third, I love my life too much to die young.

Here I go...

So Rock 3 days, that is a really good start. You actually have most of the shit out of your system so they say! I don't buy into that completely but it really doesn't matter. You recognize you are an addict, you want to quit, you have been using the site and are learning more about it. I'm beginning to recognize quitters that will be here for more than 1 week and those are the ones that I'm investing my time with and offering my support. That is why you get my full undivided attention and check your inbox and I'll send you my #.