Hey, Guys. Today was wild. I hung out with my buddy, who dips, and we went to the daggum firing range. I was expecting all kinds of insanity, but oddly, today was maybe the easiest day I've had so far. We went to the gas station, I got seeds and a drink and he got 2 cans of skoal. I don't know why or how, but I think seeing him have to get those cans to enjoy his afternoon actually made me stronger somehow in my quit. He isn't interested in quitting, and is worried my wife will tell his wife and then his wife will give him hassle about it.
One thing I noticed about myself, I'm going to bed having forgotten to brush my teeth. Its like, my mouth feels so much cleaner that I don't even think about brushing my teeth.
I'm by no means an expert at this, but from my experience this far, don't dwell on dip. I hit a trigger, I think about how nice a dip would be, then I get pissed and I think about something else. I don't look at my relationship with dip as my having to deal with the loss of a loved aspect of my life- almost like losing a family member, rather I dumped a dirty whore who may have made me feel good but she abused my dog and told lies about me at church, and spent all my money on losing lottery tickets. I'm by far better off without her, and my dog is too. If I hit that trigger and start thinking about dip and "romanticizing" it- meaning only thinking of the good thing rather than all of the bad things then heck yeah its gonna make me want dip more, and the mind games are gonna hit even harder and my wall of determination may start to crack. Look at that can of dip for what it is, a can of crap that will make your mouth fall off. Get mad at it, get hateful with it, thrive on defeating it.
It seems like I'm only afraid of life without it because--- quitting leaves a hole. And its kind of crazy, since when I started dip there wasn't a hole to fill. Dipping made a hole in me. Say what? yeah, dipping made a hole in me, added this whole new aspect to my life, a dependancy that did not exist before. Now, 6 days in quit, and I'm looking at this hole, wondering what will fill it, how can I live with this empty hole. I guess in a way, for now, the seeds and fireballs may throw a tarp over the hole? Maybe. Call me crazy but it feels like the hole has drawn itself smaller, noticiably smaller since last night.
Is that what the quit is about? Hold on, hold on, breakthrough! Hold on, hold on, hold on, breakthrough! One quit moment to the next, letting that hole dip wore in our soul fill and close a little tighter. I'm guessing, from what the old timers say, we screwed ourselves, because the hole will never completely shut- we'll always have temptation, always have to work. But the sense of loss, loss we made for ourselves, will fade to a pinpoint- something akin to, from time to time, thinking we catch a glimpse of that long lost lover from the corner of our eye. We can choose to try to go find her, and quite possibly doom ourself, or say "screw her!" spit in the dirt, and keep on walking.
