The emotional rollercoaster

[worktowin]

Thank you all so much for replying. All of the kind words and support are very much appreciated and I'm deeply humbled.

Today was a hard day for me. I spent much of it in a funk, and all said I must have cried for an hour or so total. For some reason, I have yet to have a "crave" in the sense that I consciously want some nicotine. That has never once happened since I quit. My struggle manifests itself differently from that, I suppose. I just wish this intense pain would bring itself to an end so that I can once again be a joyful parent and strong partner.

If it will make you guys trust me more, consider the trophies trashed. (After typing those words, I stood up, collected the old smokes and snus, and flushed them down the toilet.) I'm quite serious about this quit. The only slips I've had this entire time was allowing myself to take a pre-workout supplement containing caffeine a few weeks back (followed by complete relapse of symptoms) and by allowing myself to eat milk chocolate (which contains a small amount of caffeine). Zero nic slips.

I guess I'm just looking for reassurance that yes, it can be this bad even after 41 days, but that it does get better. I've been browsing KTC for a couple of weeks now, reading every comment I possibly can (mostly on the main page) to try to find someone that tells my own story back to me, followed by a commentary on how much better he/she felt eventually. This site has been a great help and now I'm happy to be able to tell my own story here. Perhaps one day I will be able to post in this thread and say "I'm all better and life is sweet again."

How I yearn for that.

This isn't about me, it is about you... But this might help...

I quit on my own for 16 days. On day 16 I woke up crying like a baby and couldn't stop. Was actually having some very, very dark thoughts. Couldn't get out of bed. Wife thought I'd lost my mind. Called in sick. For hours I just laid in bed. I finally got online looking for help, and I found this place. I felt like this for a while. My deep fog lasted well over 50 days, not gonna lie.

I didn't get antidepressant help mostly because I wanted to clearly remember exactly what I'd done to myself. My depression and sadness was short term. There is nothing wrong with taking them and I'm sure there is something that could help you. If you choose to go that way.

Thus process fucking sucks, until it doesn't. You are doing this right. Jump in your group or chat when the tears and fears come. We are all in this together bud. I also can promise you... You will post an update one day SHOCKED at how good you feel.

Hang in there today. Don't worry about tomorrow.

[77Midget]

PM sent to you SamueL.

[77Midget]

Welcome to the dog house SamueL!

[SamueL]

Thank you all so much for replying. All of the kind words and support are very much appreciated and I'm deeply humbled.

Today was a hard day for me. I spent much of it in a funk, and all said I must have cried for an hour or so total. For some reason, I have yet to have a "crave" in the sense that I consciously want some nicotine. That has never once happened since I quit. My struggle manifests itself differently from that, I suppose. I just wish this intense pain would bring itself to an end so that I can once again be a joyful parent and strong partner.

If it will make you guys trust me more, consider the trophies trashed. (After typing those words, I stood up, collected the old smokes and snus, and flushed them down the toilet.) I'm quite serious about this quit. The only slips I've had this entire time was allowing myself to take a pre-workout supplement containing caffeine a few weeks back (followed by complete relapse of symptoms) and by allowing myself to eat milk chocolate (which contains a small amount of caffeine). Zero nic slips.

I guess I'm just looking for reassurance that yes, it can be this bad even after 41 days, but that it does get better. I've been browsing KTC for a couple of weeks now, reading every comment I possibly can (mostly on the main page) to try to find someone that tells my own story back to me, followed by a commentary on how much better he/she felt eventually. This site has been a great help and now I'm happy to be able to tell my own story here. Perhaps one day I will be able to post in this thread and say "I'm all better and life is sweet again."

How I yearn for that.

[ChickDip]

I hope you are doing better. Glad you are hitting up the Live Chat, I spent many days in there and its saved me a ton of times.

The emotions are such a rollercoaster for sure and even at 41 days, you will even out and then go back to the high anxiety at times... you just are rewiring your brain at this point.


I have had to learn to deal with things completely off of any drug, and that was hard and still is at times, I am 249 days today. But I do have to say , it does get better and the down times are much lighter and less frequent.

[quark]

On October 24, 2015 I went to the emergency room with severe dizziness and confusion. The docs ran a CT and EKG, both of which came back clean as a whistle. I don't know for sure what sent me there in the first place.

My addiction level has been unreal.

When I left the ER that day I came back home with no answers, and a building sense of health anxiety.

I still had all of my nicotine-delivery products here at my home, out in the open. I have since put them all away but I still have them all.

My problem is severe emotion. In the earliest days, I would curl into the fetal position, muscles fully tensed, and sob until I could barely breathe. Other days, I would panic. Other days, both. I even had my first full-blown panic attack on my 3rd or 4th day nic-free. I will never forget that fear.

I hope one day he will remember that time he saw his old man crying and use that memory to never allow himself to touch nicotine.

I was a victim of the early days of the ADHD craze where docs were prescribing kids left and right with legal speed.


Have any of you ever had days like this?

Sam,

I work in the medical field and have all of my adult life. I am not so skeptical of the intentions of physicians. I am sure we have all had bad experiences and unnecessary procedures. I have met my share of asshole doctors and incorrect diagnoses. Nonetheless.....

First off, when you go to the emergency room, you are expecting to find out what is wrong with you. The ER staff, however, is not concerned about diagnosing you, they are concerned that you don't die. That is a big difference. And so it is common for people to leave the ER without knowing exactly what the problem is. To get a diagnosis, you need to see a doctor in a non-emergency setting. Don't get anxious that the ER staff didn't give you a diagnosis; it isn't their job. You left alive: that is their job.

Second off, nicotine happens to mimic natural neurotransmitters so successfully in the brain that your brain quits making these natural neurotransmitters (the technical jargon is that "nicotine down-regulates natural neurotransmitters"). The higher your nicotine intake, the less neurotransmitters you make. That nicotine is doing something to the brain: it is regulating your mood, and has been all of these years. Your body does not make nicotine, however, so when the nicotine levels in your body drop, you poor brain is missing what it needs to regulate mood. And so you feel depressed, or angry, or cry, or anxiety, or even panic. The awesome news is that the brain will start to make natural neurotransmitters again. The frustrating news is that it can take several weeks to a few months to get the levels you need to regulate mood.

Third off, read around this website and you will see how many people experience panic attacks. I had panic attacks unrelated to nicotine (in fact, I started nicotine after stopping for 3 years to try to alleviate the panic attacks), and they interfered with graduate school so much that I had to take a leave of absence. If the panic attacks are going to fuck up your life, go get 2 week's worth of some anti-anxiety medication and take only as needed. I have been fetal position crying on the floor. I would rather take something and function. That's me, you need to decide what's right for you.

Fourth off, if kids stayed off tobacco by watching all of the bad shit that happens to their parents, no kid would use tobacco. It doesn't work like that. If a kid sees you using tobacco, he is likely to. If his parents don't use tobacco, he is not likely to either.

Fifth off, this site tries to bring hope, but it also calls bullshit. You are keeping 'nicotine delivery systems' around the house as a crutch in case you cannot handle the anxiety and then you can justify caving. You are lying to yourself when you tell yourself otherwise.

Join your group and start posting roll every day, first thing in the morning. When life goes bat-shit crazy, some mundane routine action is just what you need to start to get grounded again. You are a high risk for caving. Get some support, and start to give it in return.

[danojeno]

SamueL, you are not alone. In my first life here at KTC, I had stopped nicotine for 60 days on my own and came here in a panic. I had emotions very similar to what you describe but was sure I would never use nicotine again. Let me say that believing you have this beat in conjunction with the emotions you are feeling are a recipe for disaster. Two things need to change right now: Get rid of all nicotine in your house. Keeping this stuff around is like continuing to text an ex. Bad, bad bad idea. The next thing you need to do is realize will always be a nicotine addict. Even though at the moment you feel extreme shame and guilt, you need to take this thing one day at a time.

I encourage you to make up for lost time. Your brothers have had time to exchange digits and become intimate with the way things work here. Do the same. PM the members of your group, exchange digits and USE THEM. I'll be watching for your daily promise and am glad you are here.

[Idaho Spuds]

The mental aspect is a often over looked part of quitting. The addiction has masked these issues for a long time and the gates are opening.
I had a tough time as well and I got a couple pieces of advice that I will pass on:
1. forgive yourself, you cannot change the past, you poisoned yourself and you cannot undo that. But dwelling on it won't help.
2. move forward, use this as a catalyst to get better, improve your health (workout, eat better, improve your career and improve your mental health.
3. quit each day, read and help others by sharing your story

Proud to be quit Idaho Spuds

[PatrickG]

Sam,

Great job on making it 41 days on your own, that is truly an accomplishment! I echo what jp said about the trophy can, you can't completely quit until you have burned that final bridge. Give yourself no other option. From this point on there is only one way forward and that is a life free of addiction.

Check out this page Anxiety and Depression. Spread your accountability net wide. You are not abnormal. We are all in this together.

[Jpfabel1073]

Sam, first off I congratulate you for doing this on your own for 41 days. You have found this place and I see that you have posted roll so I know that for the next 24 hours you will be nic free. This place is pretty simple, post roll FIRST thing every morning giving us your word that you will not use nic and then start over the next day. Don't worry about "forever" just keep your word that you will not use for 24 hours and repeat.

As far as everything you are going through, yes it is normal. We all have not had every symptom you are going through but you will find people who have delt or are dealing with what you are. That is the great thing about KTC, everyone here is going through or has gone through it and we are all in this together. I encourage you to really explore and read as much as you can on tis site, in fact there are forums here for people who are giving up caffine like you are.

In the upper right corner of the screen is your inbox, check it because I have sent you my digits if you need anything reach out, you are not in this alone. Part of how this place works is accountability, you will see total strangers trading numbers so that they can help each other if needed so it may seem strange at first but it will work if you let it.

The anxiety issue is one that I would consider seeing a Dr for if it is getting to the point that you are not able to function. The main focus is to not use nic by any means necessary, hell I've heard stories of guys stuffing grass in thier lips until the crave goes away. I'll be honest that I and many others here do not think it's smart to keep a "trophy can", you need to throw that shit out NOW, there is no reason to keep that shit around, beside your are never going to use it again anyway right?

You got this Sam!

[SamueL]

My name is Sam and on October 24, 2015 I went to the emergency room with severe dizziness and confusion. The docs ran a CT and EKG, both of which came back clean as a whistle. I don't know for sure what sent me there in the first place, but ever since that day I have been nicotine and caffeine free. My only speculation is that I was two days off of caffeine by that point and I could have been withdrawing from it, or maybe I had overdosed on nic.

At any rate, hello. I have been a nicotine addict for 12 years. I have smoked, dipped, chewed nicotine gum, and vaped in that time. When I was smoking, I would have a piece of nicotine gum in my mouth too. If I was dipping, I was dipping all day. If I was using snus, I would never spend a waking moment without one in my mouth. If I was vaping, I was vaping non-stop all day long. My addiction level has been unreal.

When I left the ER that day I came back home with no answers, and a building sense of health anxiety. I still had all of my nicotine-delivery products here at my home, out in the open. I have since put them all away but I still have them all. I keep it all as a sign to myself that I can face my enemy. I know I will never touch the shit ever again so I'm simply not in any hurry to toss all of it. I even have a can of snus from when I quit and an old pack of cigarettes that I have had since January 31, 2015 and all of my vape stuff.

My problem is not that I want to ingest nicotine. I sincerely don't, and I NEVER think "gee, I'd sure like a dip/vape/whatever." My problem is severe emotion. In the earliest days, I would curl into the fetal position, muscles fully tensed, and sob until I could barely breathe. Other days, I would panic. Other days, both. I even had my first full-blown panic attack on my 3rd or 4th day nic-free. I will never forget that fear. For at least two weeks, my days would go as such, bouncing back and forth between crippling anxiety and deep, dark depression complete with infantile sobbing. And then, seemingly out of nowhere, I had three very good days with no major problems at all. And then another week of severe emotion. And then another few days of clarity. And then emotion. I cried again today just before signing up for KTC and making this post.

I really fucking hate this, guys, and I'm having so much trouble dealing with it. My wife is so sweet and very supportive of me - she holds me when I need it and she tells me everything is going to be okay. I want to believe that. We have a 5-year-old boy and I am sticking with this quit so that I can be an example to him. He has seen me crying only once throughout this ordeal and he came and gave me a hug and told me he loves me. I hope one day he will remember that time he saw his old man crying and use that memory to never allow himself to touch nicotine.

Surely some of you guys might recommend seeing a doc to get some pills, but I need you guys to understand that I was a victim of the early days of the ADHD craze where docs were prescribing kids left and right with legal speed, and so it was until I was 16 and I took up smoking and gave up the ritalin/adderall. I have come to realize that it is possible that I have never once been sober since I was 8-10 years old, and that breaks my heart. All of that being said, I just can't bring myself to trust medicine. I want my brain to fix itself. I want to live free of addiction. Damn it, it's so hard.

I go for long walks every day, between 3-6 miles a day. It helps sometimes.

Have any of you ever had days like this? The crying? Occasionally waking up with a pounding heart? Some days are better than others. Some days I feel like I'm completely healed, but the next day or two kicks my ass and reminds me that I'm not. So, 41 days in, am I an abnormal case, or does this seem to fit the mold? 'help'

-Sam (41 days)