The emotional rollercoaster

[Bigbob]

Sam I don't envy you. I have been were you are. so lost on a sea of emotions I had never felt before. I did a goo job at keeping track of how I felt...until I started to feel better. This is going to scare you for a minute but take a deep breath and realize it is actually reassuring. It took a long fucking time. I kept expecting to feel better a month out. then i thought at 2 months id be better, then i thought shit it has been 6 months of hell on earth, why am I not better. then you go back a re read how bad it was in the beginning and realize i was getting better every day. Miserable slow pace but it was getting better. it took WAY longer than most did, and after a while i was living life again. I was enjoying my days instead of crossing them off as if on a prison wall. as soon as i accepted that i was not crazy, i was not going to die or have a heart attack no matter how nasty the panic attack ( and they were paralyzing at first) and started trying to live life again, it got easier. you have one option... put one foot in front of the other and push. just keep going. that feeling that you are down in a well looking up at a tiny light will go away with time. I took a full year off of posting in my intro because i was not even thinking about the misery anymore. if u read the last update, I just hit a really tough patch in life...shit happens, and panic attacks flared up again. this time I'm not trying to be a hero i went to the doc and started a low dose of meds ( mind u I'm a very anti med type of dude) this anxiety i am not blaming completely to the quit tho... might be, I'm not sure, but i know a lot is weighing on me and it is nothing like it was early on so don't freak out that I'm still a mess in my 620's. I'm not its been a tough month, and I'm already feeling a lot better. just a brief set back on the road.

things that helped me the most:
-my wife... she was and is an angel and was so good at reassuring me the whole way and helping me stay calm.
-calming piano music. (yiruma on youtube was the only way i could fall asleep) always had calming music loaded on my phone and pandora and left my computer playing youtube music all night long (truth be told i still do that its kinda nice)
-solitaire. playing solitaire on my phone and putting on calming music helped me outta some real bad panic attacks. when you feel one come on, find a bathroom, put the music on, fuck whoever else is in there, and play a few rounds of cards. it brings your mind somewhere else for a while.
-distraction of any sort... ur gunna feel like shit if ur on ur couch or if your cooking dinner. fire up that stove and make some fancy gordon ramsey shit for the missus ( i understand there is a budget but u can do crazy shit with ramen noodles and creativity :) }, organize your damn coat closet, learn origami, brake your all-time "whack off in a day" record, just stay busy.
- Rescue remedy. its an herbal flower potion witch doctor shit thats all natural. u can get it on amazon or at GNC or other health supplement store. put a few drops on your tongue and it is marketed as a natural stress and anxiety relief. it helped me. is it real or just placebo? i don't know and who gives a shit.... it helped me whatever way you look at it.

- and obviously, post roll every day, and get to know some people here. It WILL get better. you are not crazy, you will not feel this way forever. someone told me in my intro that this hell u are feeling will eventually just be bad, and then bad will be tolerable, and then tolerable will be good, and one day you are posting a message like this to a guy like the man you were 600 days ago. I was a complete shit show, take the guns to my parents type shit. never thought I would make it out of that. I promise you will, be patient and just know that you are not gunna die... its gunna take longer than u want it too... its gunna be worth it. ill pm my number over. call or text anytime, I'm a bartender and keep crazy hours.

[SamueL]

Think of the hours you spent procuring the drug you've now quit. If you're anything like me, you spent your entire waking day with nicotine running through your system (and I think ya are).

Boy, you said it. All day, every day. My wife didn't even know I used snus until we had been together for two years. She did, of course, know that I smoked. Once I quit smoking, I kept the snus and replaced the smoke with vape. I think back to all of the times I would kiss her with a ninja snus in my mouth, all of the hours I would spend at work simply buzzing away on nicotine, and all of the time at home sucking on that stupid vaporizer stick over and over and over until that fateful day I [presumably] overdosed.

What a bunch of crap. Nicotine played me for years and years. The worst part about it was that I knew it and I let it happen. No more.

Clearly I'm over the absolute worst of it. Now comes a different level of difficulty in maintaining this behavior while riding out what the storm has left to throw at me. Today I was doing fine, and then I decided to go lift. From the moment I did my first deadlift, I felt a headache coming on, and I worked through it. Bad idea. Nic-bitch's headaches are no joke. She's trying to do everything she can to get me back, including making it difficult to do the one activity I love the most.

Nic-bitch can die in a fire. She and I are done.

Day 46 done.

[wastepanel]

I just started the guitar last year. Kinda awful at it still, but I can play melody lines now and can hit the cowboy chords with precision. Barre chords still elude me and it can be quite frustrating some days because even a simple "G" chord won't hit right. I've been using the game Rocksmith as well as watching Youtubers like Marty Schwartz. Freaking love it.

How long have you played man? Any tips?

YouTube is an awesome resource for literally anything you want to learn. I like Alan Robinson's style when it comes to tutoring. Check out his channel here.

I've been playing on an off since I was a teenager. I played for several years straight, and then quit for several years straight. Did that a few times. I guess I'm back to one of my "on" streaks.

If there were ever any piece of advice I could give, it would be to take lessons from somebody who understands sheet music AND music theory. I have never taken a lesson and never had someone help me understand music theory, and it shows in my playing. Much like addicts need a support network to quit and stay quit, aspiring musicians need wisdom from the old guard.

Will do man.

I took lessons right off the bat but it was from an old hippie whose band "was scheduled to play Woodstock". Dude was a good guy but he would trail off while teaching and would take end up just kinda jamming in front of me while trying to explain music theory. The only thing he said that made sense was that you have to think of the fretboard almost as a rotating piano. Even though (on a piano) only one key makes a note, you could play a note with any string on the instrument. You wanted to play smarter (not harder) when it came to songs and riffs. Even though a string made the right note you might not be plucking the right string.

Quit's a lot like that man. You're healing and the 40s are quite rough. When I was in my 40s, I had to lock myself in my house in fear of failing one weekend. I watched horror movies for 3 days straight because my wife and kids were out of town and I couldn't chance going out because I just knew that if I did...

You're brand new here. You're coming in later on in your quit and just kinda getting a feel to this. You were playing the right note prior to coming here but you were working pretty hard to get to that note. Being here doesn't make you physically less crave. It doesn't make your problems go away. What this place does is fill that void you feel in your lip and in your life that is there since you quit. Think of the hours you spent hiding your use from people. Think of the hours you spent procuring the drug you've now quit. If you're anything like me, you spent your entire waking day with nicotine running through your system (and I think ya are). Good times began with dip. Bad times were made better with the weed. The KTC fills this void in a constructive way. We help each other. We hold each other accountable. We befriend each other and add a wall between "I'm craving" and "Damnit. I'm caving again.". I'm not asking you to pledge your soul to helping either. You promise to stay quit today and I'll stand with you. Sometimes, you may not like what I say. Sometimes you will. All I ask is that you make sure I'm doing my part as well.

I wish that you felt better, and you will. Healing isn't immediate. You will have bad times. You will have good times. Eventually, your mood won't be dictated by this quitting. You'll be you. It's hard to see the forest from the trees, but I got your back man. I 'll send you my number. I'm always available to text with and I'll drop what I'm doing to help you stay quit. I promise you. I do this because I know how hard it is to quit. I've been there. It may seem silly and petty, but this shit can suck the life out of you. One of the major things that you have to remember in this life is that there is one thing and one thing alone that you can control in this life: YOUR ACTIONS. You're a feather in the wind on everything else. If you make a mistake, don't let it beat you. Fucking learn from it. Evaluate the causes of your failure and don't make the same mistake twice.

You can do this man. I got your back.

[SamueL]

I just started the guitar last year. Kinda awful at it still, but I can play melody lines now and can hit the cowboy chords with precision. Barre chords still elude me and it can be quite frustrating some days because even a simple "G" chord won't hit right. I've been using the game Rocksmith as well as watching Youtubers like Marty Schwartz. Freaking love it.

How long have you played man? Any tips?

YouTube is an awesome resource for literally anything you want to learn. I like Alan Robinson's style when it comes to tutoring. Check out his channel here.

I've been playing on an off since I was a teenager. I played for several years straight, and then quit for several years straight. Did that a few times. I guess I'm back to one of my "on" streaks.

If there were ever any piece of advice I could give, it would be to take lessons from somebody who understands sheet music AND music theory. I have never taken a lesson and never had someone help me understand music theory, and it shows in my playing. When you play songs without a real, solid understanding of what you're doing, it gets frustrating not being able to answer the question of "why" this chord progression works the way it does. Much like addicts need a support network to quit and stay quit, aspiring musicians need wisdom from the old guard.

[wastepanel]

Dear journal,

Today I woke up feeling sad and afraid. Since my quit, I do that a lot. I give Sunny a hug and a kiss before she leaves to take the kid to school and go to work, and then all goes quiet and I'm home alone. That's the worst feeling.

In July of 2014 I lost my full-time job. Since then, I have tried and failed to start my own business and have run completely through my savings trying to keep my family afloat. Sunny bounced from job to job in that time and was a big help in slowing the hemorrhage. I spent a lot of time looking for work and could never find anything (not even a simple retail job) until recently. It's part time, and the pay is poor, but at least it's something. I just wish that it were full time so I could spend every day with some worthwhile task to occupy my time. As it stands now, I take the KTC creed of "One Day At A Time" quite literally, because most of my days are wide open, and I have to find some meaningful way to fill that time. Every day is a struggle. On my good days, I'll spend the day playing guitar, tidying up, or indulging my thirst for learning. On my bad days, I'll spend the day walking (literally the whole day). When I walk, it keeps me from going to the gym later in the day. I have been lifting weights regularly and very seriously for two years, so missing my gym time is a serious downer.

I can't help but think that these troubles create a compounding effect with my already-difficult quit. I miss the times where my weekdays were fully occupied and predictable. At least in those times, I was able to provide for my family. I'm no longer being asphyxiated by the limitless freedom that a year and a half of unemployment offers, but I am still struggling to breathe under the crushing weight of my own expectations of myself. I need to get better to the point where no days are marked by "emotions from the quit" so that I can continue to pull myself back up and into a position where I can be somebody great, if only for myself and my family.

I do not mean to be self-pitying, but my state of mind has been much more erratic in the past 46 days. Most of you understand, I think. At any rate, I may frequently break the fourth wall in my scatterbrained journal musings, but make no mistake: these words are for me.

I just started the guitar last year. Kinda awful at it still, but I can play melody lines now and can hit the cowboy chords with precision. Barre chords still elude me and it can be quite frustrating some days because even a simple "G" chord won't hit right. I've been using the game Rocksmith as well as watching Youtubers like Marty Schwartz. Freaking love it.

How long have you played man? Any tips?

[quark]

Hang in there Samuel. We all go through tough times that last way too long before they get better. You cannot control a lot of things, but you can always control what goes in your mouth. You are improving you health and your budget by staying off nicotine, and I hope you have a sense of pride in yourself as well.

[SamueL]

Dear journal,

Today I woke up feeling sad and afraid. Since my quit, I do that a lot. I give Sunny a hug and a kiss before she leaves to take the kid to school and go to work, and then all goes quiet and I'm home alone. That's the worst feeling.

In July of 2014 I lost my full-time job. Since then, I have tried and failed to start my own business and have run completely through my savings trying to keep my family afloat. Sunny bounced from job to job in that time and was a big help in slowing the hemorrhage. I spent a lot of time looking for work and could never find anything (not even a simple retail job) until recently. It's part time, and the pay is poor, but at least it's something. I just wish that it were full time so I could spend every day with some worthwhile task to occupy my time. As it stands now, I take the KTC creed of "One Day At A Time" quite literally, because most of my days are wide open, and I have to find some meaningful way to fill that time. Every day is a struggle. On my good days, I'll spend the day playing guitar, tidying up, or indulging my thirst for learning. On my bad days, I'll spend the day walking (literally the whole day). When I walk, it keeps me from going to the gym later in the day. I have been lifting weights regularly and very seriously for two years, so missing my gym time is a serious downer.

I can't help but think that these troubles create a compounding effect with my already-difficult quit. I miss the times where my weekdays were fully occupied and predictable. At least in those times, I was able to provide for my family. I'm no longer being asphyxiated by the limitless freedom that a year and a half of unemployment offers, but I am still struggling to breathe under the crushing weight of my own expectations of myself. I need to get better to the point where no days are marked by "emotions from the quit" so that I can continue to pull myself back up and into a position where I can be somebody great, if only for myself and my family.

I do not mean to be self-pitying, but my state of mind has been much more erratic in the past 46 days. Most of you understand, I think. At any rate, I may frequently break the fourth wall in my scatterbrained journal musings, but make no mistake: these words are for me.

[KingNothing]

Congrats Sam. I'm glad you're turning a corner early on in your quit. Keep your resolve strong and if it begins to falter, get in here and talk about it. Others will be happy to jump in and give you a boost when you need one. That's the beauty of this place and it looks like you're starting to get that already. Keep it up, as W2W says, it definitely gets better.

[SamueL]

As an additional remark: in the past few days I have actually been able to start feeling the Christmas spirit. I was beginning to worry that the jolly season would come and go with me never being able to fully appreciate its gravity.

Sunny (my wife), our boy, and I spent the day putting up our inside and outside Christmas decorations yesterday, and that did a lot to lift my spirit.

Happy holidays, everyone. May we all be able to celebrate, no matter our beliefs.

[SamueL]

Hey - how is it going???

I have actually been meaning to give an update, so here it goes. I have been reading everyone's introductions, trying to find someone's story that closely mirrors my own, and I think I've finally found it. The man calls himself Bigbob, and here is his story. He did a great job chronicling his story from the earliest days of his membership here. I cannot say that I have done the same.

Bigbob defined his "fog" as sensations in his brain, such as tingling, throbbing, pulsing, dizziness, and the inability for his eyes to "work properly." In other words, he felt "off" and all of these things were causing him great distress. He was unable to identify whether these foggy symptoms were a direct result of brain rewiring, or a result of near-constant anxiety. It is safe to say that he was a complete mess, and it made him scared.

All of these things describe me.

He yearned for normalcy, and he experienced symptoms during his quit far beyond what many others report. He lamented the fact that he had such a hard time finding validation in anyone else's stories. He grappled, trying to find security in the things he was reading, but many of them were contradictory. Bigbob would read uplifting words in another man's tale, only to have the image of a light at the end of the tunnel shattered by others saying "there is no finish line; there is no rainbow."

All of these feelings describe my feelings.

Worktowin: you were there while Bigbob was struggling. You even addressed that final remark with a simple word: "bullshit." I cannot tell you how much reading that one word in that particular context helped. I have read a lot of the things you have said to other people, and you come across very convincingly that this does get better. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

I'm merely playing the hand I am dealt in a game that is way beyond my skill level. The only things that have kept me going this long are my ironclad willpower and my ever-flourishing relationship with God.

My mother always said I was hardheaded, and because of this experience, I'm finally beginning to appreciate that about myself. I do not want nicotine. I do not want caffeine. I do not want a doctor's pills.

I want to beat this on my own terms, come hell or high water.

Thank you all for your continued support, and for checking in on me. I have had my ups and downs for the past few days but I feel like I have been able to get a grip on myself lately. The anxiety comes and goes. Sometimes it is controllable, and other times when I get that chest tightness and restlessness coming on, I just have to distract myself by staying busy or just soldier on through it (an hour or more if I can't be distracted) until it passes. The fog as Bigbob described it is still always there but I'm slowly learning to ignore it and not let it bother me so much.

If any of you are the praying type, I ask that you keep me in yours, as I shall have you in mine. When next I go to cathedral, I will light a votive candle for the KTC crew.

[ChickDip]

Hey - how is it going???

How you doing Samuel?

[worktowin]

Hey - how is it going???

[andrew33]

Samuel, you are not alone my man. I have been having a rough time the past 22 ddays myself. I had a anxiety attack on the first day of my quit with some really edgy days that followed then another anxiety attack that sent me to the ER as well. I also had a couple days where i felt normal and then bam anxiety attack. It's frustrating feeling uneasy in your own skin. My anxiety is getting better everyday, though! So try to stay positive. I know that's hard to do right now but there ard better days a head. Send me a message any time, man. We can help each other.

[SamMan33]

Thank you all so much for replying. All of the kind words and support are very much appreciated and I'm deeply humbled.

Today was a hard day for me. I spent much of it in a funk, and all said I must have cried for an hour or so total. For some reason, I have yet to have a "crave" in the sense that I consciously want some nicotine. That has never once happened since I quit. My struggle manifests itself differently from that, I suppose. I just wish this intense pain would bring itself to an end so that I can once again be a joyful parent and strong partner.

If it will make you guys trust me more, consider the trophies trashed. (After typing those words, I stood up, collected the old smokes and snus, and flushed them down the toilet.) I'm quite serious about this quit. The only slips I've had this entire time was allowing myself to take a pre-workout supplement containing caffeine a few weeks back (followed by complete relapse of symptoms) and by allowing myself to eat milk chocolate (which contains a small amount of caffeine). Zero nic slips.

I guess I'm just looking for reassurance that yes, it can be this bad even after 41 days, but that it does get better. I've been browsing KTC for a couple of weeks now, reading every comment I possibly can (mostly on the main page) to try to find someone that tells my own story back to me, followed by a commentary on how much better he/she felt eventually. This site has been a great help and now I'm happy to be able to tell my own story here. Perhaps one day I will be able to post in this thread and say "I'm all better and life is sweet again."

How I yearn for that.

This isn't about me, it is about you... But this might help...

I quit on my own for 16 days. On day 16 I woke up crying like a baby and couldn't stop. Was actually having some very, very dark thoughts. Couldn't get out of bed. Wife thought I'd lost my mind. Called in sick. For hours I just laid in bed. I finally got online looking for help, and I found this place. I felt like this for a while. My deep fog lasted well over 50 days, not gonna lie.

I didn't get antidepressant help mostly because I wanted to clearly remember exactly what I'd done to myself. My depression and sadness was short term. There is nothing wrong with taking them and I'm sure there is something that could help you. If you choose to go that way.

Thus process fucking sucks, until it doesn't. You are doing this right. Jump in your group or chat when the tears and fears come. We are all in this together bud. I also can promise you... You will post an update one day SHOCKED at how good you feel.

Hang in there today. Don't worry about tomorrow.

This ^^^ is quit gospel Sam, read it over and over again.

Sams stick together. You got this bro.

[KingNothing]

Thank you all so much for replying. All of the kind words and support are very much appreciated and I'm deeply humbled.

Today was a hard day for me. I spent much of it in a funk, and all said I must have cried for an hour or so total. For some reason, I have yet to have a "crave" in the sense that I consciously want some nicotine. That has never once happened since I quit. My struggle manifests itself differently from that, I suppose. I just wish this intense pain would bring itself to an end so that I can once again be a joyful parent and strong partner.

If it will make you guys trust me more, consider the trophies trashed. (After typing those words, I stood up, collected the old smokes and snus, and flushed them down the toilet.) I'm quite serious about this quit. The only slips I've had this entire time was allowing myself to take a pre-workout supplement containing caffeine a few weeks back (followed by complete relapse of symptoms) and by allowing myself to eat milk chocolate (which contains a small amount of caffeine). Zero nic slips.

I guess I'm just looking for reassurance that yes, it can be this bad even after 41 days, but that it does get better. I've been browsing KTC for a couple of weeks now, reading every comment I possibly can (mostly on the main page) to try to find someone that tells my own story back to me, followed by a commentary on how much better he/she felt eventually. This site has been a great help and now I'm happy to be able to tell my own story here. Perhaps one day I will be able to post in this thread and say "I'm all better and life is sweet again."

How I yearn for that.

This isn't about me, it is about you... But this might help...

I quit on my own for 16 days. On day 16 I woke up crying like a baby and couldn't stop. Was actually having some very, very dark thoughts. Couldn't get out of bed. Wife thought I'd lost my mind. Called in sick. For hours I just laid in bed. I finally got online looking for help, and I found this place. I felt like this for a while. My deep fog lasted well over 50 days, not gonna lie.

I didn't get antidepressant help mostly because I wanted to clearly remember exactly what I'd done to myself. My depression and sadness was short term. There is nothing wrong with taking them and I'm sure there is something that could help you. If you choose to go that way.

Thus process fucking sucks, until it doesn't. You are doing this right. Jump in your group or chat when the tears and fears come. We are all in this together bud. I also can promise you... You will post an update one day SHOCKED at how good you feel.

Hang in there today. Don't worry about tomorrow.

This ^^^ is quit gospel Sam, read it over and over again.