I haven't been quite that bad, but I'm pretty sure I'm almost there. I am such a fucking mess mentally. I'm a network engineer, so it's a really bad thing, I need to be able to think. The things that go through my mind. What actually causes your panic attacks? Mine is always something to do with the thought of not being with my son. Or getting sick and having chemo and whatnot. Today has been a day like that. It's day 32 for me, my cheek got sore yesterday and of course I'm dwelling on the absolute worst. I've never dealt with panic or stress before, but the past few weeks I basically go days literally without eating due to worry...
Rokbanned,
Sorry I didn't get to you sooner, man.
You asked what caused my panic, but I still can't really say what caused any of it. At times, the fuzzy, foggy feeling in my brain would trigger me to feel anxious about my health, as if there were something wrong with me neurologically. Same for when I would shift my eyes and my brain would have trouble interpreting what I was looking at for a moment. I would interpret this feeling as dizziness, and it would make me nervous. Why was I dizzy? Why did my brain feel fuzzy?
So the health anxiety was a part of it, but then there were other times when I couldn't figure out what was causing it. Most days, my eyes would simply pop open in the morning and my heart would instantly start racing as adrenaline shot through my veins. Imagine you wake up in the middle of the night to the sounds of someone breaking into your home. You would immediately go into "fight or flight" mode. That's what I would feel from the moment I woke up, sometimes right up until the moment I went back to sleep that night. It was fucking exhausting, man. I would be so tired and would WANT to go to bed as soon as it got dark (5:30pm or so) but I would have to force myself to stay awake and live through the misery for a few more hours and go to bed at a reasonable time, only to wake up to the same shit in the morning.
And then the crying fits would come. Sometimes 3 or more a day, each lasting for at least half an hour. You know how a child can cry so hard he literally can't breathe? That was me, almost daily.
I came to KTC on day 41 of my quit. Even up to day 60 or so, most of my days were spent walking. When I would wake up, I would first panic. Then I would get up, force myself to eat, even if it was only a banana, and then I'd get my ass out the front door, grab my walking stick, and go for a walk. Some days I wouldn't come back home until dark because if I did, I would panic. I got to the point where I was convinced that being at home is what was making me so anxious. Walking was what kept me sane, if only for the time I was out doing it.
So, Rok, with all of that being said, I completely understand what you mean when you say you sometimes can't eat because you're so worried. Try this, though: eat lots of fruit. Bananas and oranges were godsend to me. There was something about the fruit sugars that sort of helped level me off, even if it was only a bit. I became fully convinced that fruits were my panacea, and even now that I'm not panicking anymore, I've made it my daily habit to make sure I eat plenty of fruits because of the close relationship I developed with them during the worst of this.
Also: I don't know what your habits are like with supplementation, but look into trying a straight up MAGNESIUM supplement. Most people, even those who take a multivitamin, are magnesium deficient, and magnesium deficiency can cause anxiety, restlessness, depression, etc. In our case, it's the quit causing it, but a magnesium deficiency doesn't help. I use a powdered form that I mix with a cup of hot water every night before bed and it has been a real life-changer. There was a noticeable difference in the intensity of my symptoms when I combined daily fruits with my nightly magnesium. It didn't "cure" me by any stretch, but it certainly helped. Surely you understand that any help is good at this stage of the game. The specific product I use is made by Natural Vitality and it's called "Calm." I like the lemon flavor.
I hope that some of this rambling post will strike a chord with you, Rok, and you'll be able to come away with something helpful to try. Just know that this shit has its major ups and downs, but there will come a time when you realize that there is an end to the suffering, and all you have to do is keep on breathing and stay quit until that day comes. I'm feeling much more confident these days. You'll get here too, my brother.
Day 73 done.
