New to site and quit

[Dawgs]

Jeesh—-just realized it’s been a while since I posted anything in my intro. Maybe now is the time for a quick reflection. It’s Christmas Eve, 0515, and I’m wide awake. Yes, partially because I have to go to work for a while today, but the last few weeks have been getting harder and harder to sleep. I posted day 323 today. I thought by now things would be all in the past. Truth is, I feel worse now than I did weeks 1, 2 or 3. For some reason, depression, anger and hatred for many things have been showing their ugly heads lately. Very little patients with my family. Walking a fine line at work. Really just disengaged from everything, including here. I know it’s probably just a stage to go through, but damn....why? Almost a year quit and it feels not so great. I don’t regret quitting. I have NO intentions of caving. I certainly don’t want to let anyone down, especially myself. I know deep down things will get better. I just have to hold tight and lean on everyone here to help me out. Slow and steady wins the race. Sometimes slow and steady just sucks I guess. Not really sure where I’m going with this, but I’ll just end it here with a big thank you to my brothers in May19 along with @Justin J and a couple others from May17 for riding my ass and not letting go. Merry Christmas Eve and here’s to better times ahead.

[Athan]

Just got done under the house running a new water line after re-doing the floor in the kitchen.  Could not for the life of me to get that #@$% 1/4" line to the ice maker to stop leaking.  What is it with these ferrels?!  I could no kidding go for a lipper.  If I weren't still posting roll I'd be knuckles keep into a can ever trip under the house.  I HATE being under the house!  I didn't have to worry about rats or snakes or spiders on that stanky submarine.  I'd much rather be back breathing recycled farts again than go back under the house. Gives me the heebie jeebies even thinking about it. At any rate another day of freedom earned and I'll be happy tomorrow that I didn't cave today!

@Athan ....I know this is a post you put up a while back, but I reading through a lot of them today. This one hit me. I did that exact same thing yesterday. I just bought a really nice, but older home on a crawl space. I’ve been having a sewer like smell from my daughters bathroom. Only from there and no where else. I’ve ruled out everything else and was putting off going down there. I spent a couple of days working myself up to do it. I bought a chemical like suite, extra flashlights, breathing masks....the whole 9 yards. Looked pretty rediculous actually. But I got under there....waaaayyy under there. I was terrified. That would have been, this time last year, when I would have packed in a half a can. Just to get the perceived courage from it. Luckily, there was nothing apparently wrong with the plumbing and all I saw was one mouse running around. That didn’t bother me, it was more the thought of what could be in there. But....all of that to say....I did it and I did it nicotine free. That was a huge win for me. Thanks for sharing yours too. It helps.

Huge win is right!  had enough of the false courage in a can, way to suit up and face it like a real man! Ain't nothing like victory. Like freedom, it has no equal and no substitute!  Hooah!

[Dawgs]

Its been a while since I posted anything here. I posted the following in my May19 quit group, but thought I’d lost it here as well.............
Just wanted to share a couple of things here. It’s been pretty quiet in here. We really need to step things up. We need to shake things up. In here AND in other groups. I think a lot of you guys do a pretty good job with posting in other groups. Let’s really start digging in and kicking others in the ass and help them be successful.
    Earlier this week, I was feeling it really bad. I seriously wanted some nicotine flowing through my veins. I wanted to feel that rush of adrenaline released throughout my whole body. I was being a real ass as well. To my family especially. I just wanted to beat the hell out of something. ANYTHING!!! I got @Allpuck on the phone and we talked for about 30 or 40 minutes. He just let me be very open and honest with him and just throw a fit. At the end of it...I felt so much better. Just talking it out and then the craving was gone. I’ve also done that with @Justin J , @UncleRico , @Mlovell336 @Bug Guy and others as well. See....that’s why this site works. Guys on here, no matter what, will let you just bitch and not make a damn bit of sense. Just to get you through the craving. At the end, you move forward and leave that damn nicotine in the dust. My group along with many a vet has helped me along the way.
     That’s why I encourage my group, along with other groups to start really shaking shit up around here. There are a lot of people here going through hell right now. We are all the same. We are all addicts and we all have problems. That’s how we can all relate to one another AND help one another. Thank you to all those who have had my back.

[FLLipOut]

Day 157-I sit here on an airplane for close to 5 hours. I am realizing that i havent posted anything here in a long time, so i figure, i have plenty of time right now to do it!! So here it goes. 157 days ago i quit. 157 days later, i am still quit. That being said, this is still not easy. I struggle with so many things right now. My temper is number 1. Ive always had a temper. But i believe that nicotine helped keep it a little more in check. Ive taken it out on my family, friends and coworkers. We always say bring the rage in here. I havent. Ive been a real asshole to a lot of people. I know that it is still the addiction and chemical detox that is doing it all. I have to learn all over how to handle my emotions. There are times that i burn with anger, burn with hate towards people. And for really stupid reasons. The bottom line is that i have get over myself and move forward with my “new” life. Ive heard it said that from about 120-ish to around 200-ish can be like a perpetual week 1. There are days where i feel like i just quit. Foggy. Mad. Craving the biggest lip full of cancer you could imagine. Couple that with the stresses of buying a house and selling a house, work...you know, life...and it really closes in on you. The reality is though, that i have to man up. I have made a conscious decision to get this poision out of my life. To live a life that doesn’t include me leaning on a crutch to survive day to day. A life that i can use to help others get rid of this crap. Myself and AW are Conducting the July 2019 HoF right now. It is a touch stressful making sure everything looks good. But I wouldn’t give it up for ANYTHING. I am proud to stand with those guys as they hit 100 days. To see how far they have come and to maybe be able to pass just a touch of knowledge along to them. I am also proud to be still standing with my May brothers. They are the best damn group of guys out there. I also have the best freakin family out there. The best job. A life better than i could EVER deserve. Why do i say this??? Because i need to be reminded. Reminded that i need to stop being selfish and start truly paying it forward. Stop thinking only of myself and start thinking about others.
     That’s really an interesting thought for me. Think about others....Ive been in healthcare for 20 years. Isn’t that enough thinking about others? Ive given up nights, weekends, birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving, time with my family to try and save others. There is a substantial number of those that doesn’t survive, but i try all the same. Isn’t that thinking about others enough? My conclusion is no. While it is true that i love my job and i love helping other people in that manner, it is just that....my job. What’s really caring is being kind. Being patient. Being caring. This is what i must do. I have no doubt that i have done the right thing by quitting nic. I have no desire to get back in to it, even though my brain tells me i do. But i must change my thinking, my actions. How i treat others. I need to celebrate freedom. Celebrate the achievements. Thanks for listening to me ramble. Quit hard.

Hey Dawgs,

Anytime you think you are going to blow up at a family member, you can give me a call and yell and cuss at me all you want, heck I might even yell and cuss back just for the fun of it.  Then when you're done we can both laugh our asses off at how fucking dumb we just were.

Sound like a deal??

I like it.

Chris...hell YES!!!!! DEAL

Anyone of us.  Hell, I'll hold CHRIS2ALASKA and you can beat him up!

That was one of the best things I think I'll read today, Dawgs.  Thanks for posting it.

[FISHFLORIDA]

Day 157-I sit here on an airplane for close to 5 hours. I am realizing that i havent posted anything here in a long time, so i figure, i have plenty of time right now to do it!! So here it goes. 157 days ago i quit. 157 days later, i am still quit. That being said, this is still not easy. I struggle with so many things right now. My temper is number 1. Ive always had a temper. But i believe that nicotine helped keep it a little more in check. Ive taken it out on my family, friends and coworkers. We always say bring the rage in here. I havent. Ive been a real asshole to a lot of people. I know that it is still the addiction and chemical detox that is doing it all. I have to learn all over how to handle my emotions. There are times that i burn with anger, burn with hate towards people. And for really stupid reasons. The bottom line is that i have get over myself and move forward with my “new” life. Ive heard it said that from about 120-ish to around 200-ish can be like a perpetual week 1. There are days where i feel like i just quit. Foggy. Mad. Craving the biggest lip full of cancer you could imagine. Couple that with the stresses of buying a house and selling a house, work...you know, life...and it really closes in on you. The reality is though, that i have to man up. I have made a conscious decision to get this poision out of my life. To live a life that doesn’t include me leaning on a crutch to survive day to day. A life that i can use to help others get rid of this crap. Myself and AW are Conducting the July 2019 HoF right now. It is a touch stressful making sure everything looks good. But I wouldn’t give it up for ANYTHING. I am proud to stand with those guys as they hit 100 days. To see how far they have come and to maybe be able to pass just a touch of knowledge along to them. I am also proud to be still standing with my May brothers. They are the best damn group of guys out there. I also have the best freakin family out there. The best job. A life better than i could EVER deserve. Why do i say this??? Because i need to be reminded. Reminded that i need to stop being selfish and start truly paying it forward. Stop thinking only of myself and start thinking about others.
     That’s really an interesting thought for me. Think about others....Ive been in healthcare for 20 years. Isn’t that enough thinking about others? Ive given up nights, weekends, birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving, time with my family to try and save others. There is a substantial number of those that doesn’t survive, but i try all the same. Isn’t that thinking about others enough? My conclusion is no. While it is true that i love my job and i love helping other people in that manner, it is just that....my job. What’s really caring is being kind. Being patient. Being caring. This is what i must do. I have no doubt that i have done the right thing by quitting nic. I have no desire to get back in to it, even though my brain tells me i do. But i must change my thinking, my actions. How i treat others. I need to celebrate freedom. Celebrate the achievements. Thanks for listening to me ramble. Quit hard.

Hey Dawgs,

Anytime you think you are going to blow up at a family member, you can give me a call and yell and cuss at me all you want, heck I might even yell and cuss back just for the fun of it.  Then when you're done we can both laugh our asses off at how fucking dumb we just were.

Sound like a deal??

I like it.

Chris...hell YES!!!!! DEAL

Anyone of us.  Hell, I'll hold CHRIS2ALASKA and you can beat him up! 

[Dawgs]

Day 157-I sit here on an airplane for close to 5 hours. I am realizing that i havent posted anything here in a long time, so i figure, i have plenty of time right now to do it!! So here it goes. 157 days ago i quit. 157 days later, i am still quit. That being said, this is still not easy. I struggle with so many things right now. My temper is number 1. Ive always had a temper. But i believe that nicotine helped keep it a little more in check. Ive taken it out on my family, friends and coworkers. We always say bring the rage in here. I havent. Ive been a real asshole to a lot of people. I know that it is still the addiction and chemical detox that is doing it all. I have to learn all over how to handle my emotions. There are times that i burn with anger, burn with hate towards people. And for really stupid reasons. The bottom line is that i have get over myself and move forward with my “new” life. Ive heard it said that from about 120-ish to around 200-ish can be like a perpetual week 1. There are days where i feel like i just quit. Foggy. Mad. Craving the biggest lip full of cancer you could imagine. Couple that with the stresses of buying a house and selling a house, work...you know, life...and it really closes in on you. The reality is though, that i have to man up. I have made a conscious decision to get this poision out of my life. To live a life that doesn’t include me leaning on a crutch to survive day to day. A life that i can use to help others get rid of this crap. Myself and AW are Conducting the July 2019 HoF right now. It is a touch stressful making sure everything looks good. But I wouldn’t give it up for ANYTHING. I am proud to stand with those guys as they hit 100 days. To see how far they have come and to maybe be able to pass just a touch of knowledge along to them. I am also proud to be still standing with my May brothers. They are the best damn group of guys out there. I also have the best freakin family out there. The best job. A life better than i could EVER deserve. Why do i say this??? Because i need to be reminded. Reminded that i need to stop being selfish and start truly paying it forward. Stop thinking only of myself and start thinking about others.
     That’s really an interesting thought for me. Think about others....Ive been in healthcare for 20 years. Isn’t that enough thinking about others? Ive given up nights, weekends, birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving, time with my family to try and save others. There is a substantial number of those that doesn’t survive, but i try all the same. Isn’t that thinking about others enough? My conclusion is no. While it is true that i love my job and i love helping other people in that manner, it is just that....my job. What’s really caring is being kind. Being patient. Being caring. This is what i must do. I have no doubt that i have done the right thing by quitting nic. I have no desire to get back in to it, even though my brain tells me i do. But i must change my thinking, my actions. How i treat others. I need to celebrate freedom. Celebrate the achievements. Thanks for listening to me ramble. Quit hard.

Hey Dawgs,

Anytime you think you are going to blow up at a family member, you can give me a call and yell and cuss at me all you want, heck I might even yell and cuss back just for the fun of it.  Then when you're done we can both laugh our asses off at how fucking dumb we just were.

Sound like a deal??

I like it.

Chris...hell YES!!!!! DEAL

[chris2alaska]

Day 157-I sit here on an airplane for close to 5 hours. I am realizing that i havent posted anything here in a long time, so i figure, i have plenty of time right now to do it!! So here it goes. 157 days ago i quit. 157 days later, i am still quit. That being said, this is still not easy. I struggle with so many things right now. My temper is number 1. Ive always had a temper. But i believe that nicotine helped keep it a little more in check. Ive taken it out on my family, friends and coworkers. We always say bring the rage in here. I havent. Ive been a real asshole to a lot of people. I know that it is still the addiction and chemical detox that is doing it all. I have to learn all over how to handle my emotions. There are times that i burn with anger, burn with hate towards people. And for really stupid reasons. The bottom line is that i have get over myself and move forward with my “new” life. Ive heard it said that from about 120-ish to around 200-ish can be like a perpetual week 1. There are days where i feel like i just quit. Foggy. Mad. Craving the biggest lip full of cancer you could imagine. Couple that with the stresses of buying a house and selling a house, work...you know, life...and it really closes in on you. The reality is though, that i have to man up. I have made a conscious decision to get this poision out of my life. To live a life that doesn’t include me leaning on a crutch to survive day to day. A life that i can use to help others get rid of this crap. Myself and AW are Conducting the July 2019 HoF right now. It is a touch stressful making sure everything looks good. But I wouldn’t give it up for ANYTHING. I am proud to stand with those guys as they hit 100 days. To see how far they have come and to maybe be able to pass just a touch of knowledge along to them. I am also proud to be still standing with my May brothers. They are the best damn group of guys out there. I also have the best freakin family out there. The best job. A life better than i could EVER deserve. Why do i say this??? Because i need to be reminded. Reminded that i need to stop being selfish and start truly paying it forward. Stop thinking only of myself and start thinking about others.
     That’s really an interesting thought for me. Think about others....Ive been in healthcare for 20 years. Isn’t that enough thinking about others? Ive given up nights, weekends, birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving, time with my family to try and save others. There is a substantial number of those that doesn’t survive, but i try all the same. Isn’t that thinking about others enough? My conclusion is no. While it is true that i love my job and i love helping other people in that manner, it is just that....my job. What’s really caring is being kind. Being patient. Being caring. This is what i must do. I have no doubt that i have done the right thing by quitting nic. I have no desire to get back in to it, even though my brain tells me i do. But i must change my thinking, my actions. How i treat others. I need to celebrate freedom. Celebrate the achievements. Thanks for listening to me ramble. Quit hard.

Hey Dawgs,

Anytime you think you are going to blow up at a family member, you can give me a call and yell and cuss at me all you want, heck I might even yell and cuss back just for the fun of it.  Then when you're done we can both laugh our asses off at how fucking dumb we just were.

Sound like a deal??

I like it.

[Dawgs]

Day 157-I sit here on an airplane for close to 5 hours. I am realizing that i havent posted anything here in a long time, so i figure, i have plenty of time right now to do it!! So here it goes. 157 days ago i quit. 157 days later, i am still quit. That being said, this is still not easy. I struggle with so many things right now. My temper is number 1. Ive always had a temper. But i believe that nicotine helped keep it a little more in check. Ive taken it out on my family, friends and coworkers. We always say bring the rage in here. I havent. Ive been a real asshole to a lot of people. I know that it is still the addiction and chemical detox that is doing it all. I have to learn all over how to handle my emotions. There are times that i burn with anger, burn with hate towards people. And for really stupid reasons. The bottom line is that i have get over myself and move forward with my “new” life. Ive heard it said that from about 120-ish to around 200-ish can be like a perpetual week 1. There are days where i feel like i just quit. Foggy. Mad. Craving the biggest lip full of cancer you could imagine. Couple that with the stresses of buying a house and selling a house, work...you know, life...and it really closes in on you. The reality is though, that i have to man up. I have made a conscious decision to get this poision out of my life. To live a life that doesn’t include me leaning on a crutch to survive day to day. A life that i can use to help others get rid of this crap. Myself and AW are Conducting the July 2019 HoF right now. It is a touch stressful making sure everything looks good. But I wouldn’t give it up for ANYTHING. I am proud to stand with those guys as they hit 100 days. To see how far they have come and to maybe be able to pass just a touch of knowledge along to them. I am also proud to be still standing with my May brothers. They are the best damn group of guys out there. I also have the best freakin family out there. The best job. A life better than i could EVER deserve. Why do i say this??? Because i need to be reminded. Reminded that i need to stop being selfish and start truly paying it forward. Stop thinking only of myself and start thinking about others.
     That’s really an interesting thought for me. Think about others....Ive been in healthcare for 20 years. Isn’t that enough thinking about others? Ive given up nights, weekends, birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving, time with my family to try and save others. There is a substantial number of those that doesn’t survive, but i try all the same. Isn’t that thinking about others enough? My conclusion is no. While it is true that i love my job and i love helping other people in that manner, it is just that....my job. What’s really caring is being kind. Being patient. Being caring. This is what i must do. I have no doubt that i have done the right thing by quitting nic. I have no desire to get back in to it, even though my brain tells me i do. But i must change my thinking, my actions. How i treat others. I need to celebrate freedom. Celebrate the achievements. Thanks for listening to me ramble. Quit hard.

[Dawgs]

Chris, Kybo and RickJr....thank you brothers. Those words help more than you know. My way of making it up to him is to stay quit(of course, first and foremost reason is always for me). It’s been 95 days since I last had any nicotine. When I think about that it blows my mind. I started messing with dip around age 12 and became a full time addict at age 17. I am now 40. I have now been 95 days without nicotine. I’ve been over a year without once before but I had no plan or support. As such, it didn’t last. This time though, there’s a plan, there’s tons of support. Sure...I still feel it. That nagging crave. That thought of getting some nicotine. But I have not felt this free that I can really remember. I was a closet dipper. So, there’s no looking over my shoulder. No lying. No worrying if I left something my wife might find and then her getting really pissed off at me. Don’t get me wrong...she still gets pissed off at me, but sure as hell not for dipping. Even on days I feel like I really want one, I feel better than I EVER did when I was dipping. I’ve had a ton of help from some really cool people. UncleRico, JustinJ, Bgdbrbrd(or what the hell ever...Brad), Chris2Alaska, Kdip, BugGuy, Hilltop...just to name a few. Of course...it goes without saying, but I will say it...my bros of Mayhem. Y’all are one kickass group. I am proud to be quit with each and every one of you. These are just some thoughts that have been on my mind. I needed to thank all of y’all for your help!!

[chris2alaska]

Day 87- 87 days since I last put that crap in my mouth. Overall, I feel pretty good. Sure, there are good days and bad days, but that’s life in general. It’s nice not to have to plan my movement out around dipping. I was always ninja/closet dipping. It is very isolating. You also tend to lie a lot. For me, it was not about getting caught, but rather being embarrassed by this addiction I had gotten in to. I was ashamed of it and wanted it all at the same time. I remember one night, a couple of years ago, very vividly. My wife and I had some friends over. A couple that was our age. They were very good friends with us. They had helped us through a very tough time in our marriage without judgment. They were rock solid friends. On this night, we were all just hanging out. As per usual, when I couldn’t be dipping, I would fall asleep in my recliner. My buddy wanted to try and scare me. He grabbed my ankle. Well, that’s where my can was, it n my sock. He didn’t say anything, at least not then. He emailed me later asking me what it was and that he was concerned that it was a can because he had seen that tactic when he was in the navy. Of course, I lied. I made up some BS story that it was a pain relieving bracelet. He dropped it cause he had no reason to think I would lie to him. In the moment, you don’t think about anything except preservation. Flash forward to now. I’ve gotten rid of it, freed. Except for one thing. I never did make it right with my buddy. I got a call 3 nights ago that he had a massive heart attack at work and died instantly. He was my age, 40. I’m left with a hole in me because he was such a great dude. Always laughing and giggling. Always looking for the best in people. But also cause I didn’t make it right with him. I never told him the truth. That’s something I have to live with. A choice I made. To my buddy...I am sorry. I can promise this one thing though. No more lies, no matter what happens. Good, bad or what. No more lies. It’s also been freeing to be honest with all of you. Never again will I go down that road. I lost a good friend. I’ve also gained a bunch of friends in here. Just want to say...for those you care about, make sure they know. We never know when our last moment will be. Secondly...live like it’s your last day, everyday. This has been a long post, I know. I needed this. To remind me of where I’ve been and what I’ve done, but also of where I’m headed.

Dawgs,

Truly very sorry for your loss.  You do not need to worry about making it right with him, he knew full well that it was a can of chew and the fact that when he confronted you with it and you lied to him about, he knew you were embarrassed.  That is why he dropped it.  He is now looking down on you and beaming from ear to ear with pride that you are free of nicotine and battling your addiction on daily basis with us.  So do not worry about making it right with, it already is right and he has forgiven you.

Always proud to to quit with you and to call you my brother,

Chris

[kybo]

Day 87- 87 days since I last put that crap in my mouth. Overall, I feel pretty good. Sure, there are good days and bad days, but that’s life in general. It’s nice not to have to plan my movement out around dipping. I was always ninja/closet dipping. It is very isolating. You also tend to lie a lot. For me, it was not about getting caught, but rather being embarrassed by this addiction I had gotten in to. I was ashamed of it and wanted it all at the same time. I remember one night, a couple of years ago, very vividly. My wife and I had some friends over. A couple that was our age. They were very good friends with us. They had helped us through a very tough time in our marriage without judgment. They were rock solid friends. On this night, we were all just hanging out. As per usual, when I couldn’t be dipping, I would fall asleep in my recliner. My buddy wanted to try and scare me. He grabbed my ankle. Well, that’s where my can was, it n my sock. He didn’t say anything, at least not then. He emailed me later asking me what it was and that he was concerned that it was a can because he had seen that tactic when he was in the navy. Of course, I lied. I made up some BS story that it was a pain relieving bracelet. He dropped it cause he had no reason to think I would lie to him. In the moment, you don’t think about anything except preservation. Flash forward to now. I’ve gotten rid of it, freed. Except for one thing. I never did make it right with my buddy. I got a call 3 nights ago that he had a massive heart attack at work and died instantly. He was my age, 40. I’m left with a hole in me because he was such a great dude. Always laughing and giggling. Always looking for the best in people. But also cause I didn’t make it right with him. I never told him the truth. That’s something I have to live with. A choice I made. To my buddy...I am sorry. I can promise this one thing though. No more lies, no matter what happens. Good, bad or what. No more lies. It’s also been freeing to be honest with all of you. Never again will I go down that road. I lost a good friend. I’ve also gained a bunch of friends in here. Just want to say...for those you care about, make sure they know. We never know when our last moment will be. Secondly...live like it’s your last day, everyday. This has been a long post, I know. I needed this. To remind me of where I’ve been and what I’ve done, but also of where I’m headed.

I am pretty confidant he would have forgiven you if you would have had the chance to apologize.  And I think he would have been proud of you for what you have accomplished over the last 88 days. 
     

[Rick Jr]

Day 87- 87 days since I last put that crap in my mouth. Overall, I feel pretty good. Sure, there are good days and bad days, but that’s life in general. It’s nice not to have to plan my movement out around dipping. I was always ninja/closet dipping. It is very isolating. You also tend to lie a lot. For me, it was not about getting caught, but rather being embarrassed by this addiction I had gotten in to. I was ashamed of it and wanted it all at the same time. I remember one night, a couple of years ago, very vividly. My wife and I had some friends over. A couple that was our age. They were very good friends with us. They had helped us through a very tough time in our marriage without judgment. They were rock solid friends. On this night, we were all just hanging out. As per usual, when I couldn’t be dipping, I would fall asleep in my recliner. My buddy wanted to try and scare me. He grabbed my ankle. Well, that’s where my can was, it n my sock. He didn’t say anything, at least not then. He emailed me later asking me what it was and that he was concerned that it was a can because he had seen that tactic when he was in the navy. Of course, I lied. I made up some BS story that it was a pain relieving bracelet. He dropped it cause he had no reason to think I would lie to him. In the moment, you don’t think about anything except preservation. Flash forward to now. I’ve gotten rid of it, freed. Except for one thing. I never did make it right with my buddy. I got a call 3 nights ago that he had a massive heart attack at work and died instantly. He was my age, 40. I’m left with a hole in me because he was such a great dude. Always laughing and giggling. Always looking for the best in people. But also cause I didn’t make it right with him. I never told him the truth. That’s something I have to live with. A choice I made. To my buddy...I am sorry. I can promise this one thing though. No more lies, no matter what happens. Good, bad or what. No more lies. It’s also been freeing to be honest with all of you. Never again will I go down that road. I lost a good friend. I’ve also gained a bunch of friends in here. Just want to say...for those you care about, make sure they know. We never know when our last moment will be. Secondly...live like it’s your last day, everyday. This has been a long post, I know. I needed this. To remind me of where I’ve been and what I’ve done, but also of where I’m headed.

Dawgs, My Brother.. First I am very Sorry for your loss, I can't imagine what you are going though, but then again I know. I want you to know I am always here for you man. My Grandmother passed away in 2010, her last words to me was "I love you & Please Quit" She died because she smoked for many many years. She looked out for me and was worried about me. Well tonight sitting outside having a beer just trying to get over a stress full day at work and to celebrate 100 Days free, I looked up to heaven and told Grandma I have 100 Days down, and many more to go.

Your friend is looking down on you Smiling, he is Happy for you, and know you can always talk to him, clear the air with him as you talk to the wind, it will carry your words to him and he will forgive you, and he will always be with you Brother.

You have come a long way, you have stepped up, and while I can't talk for the other Mayhem Brothers or the guys in the other Quit groups, but you have helped me a ton in my quit and I appreciate you Brother. Keep up the great work and I will keep the beer cold for you. 

[Dawgs]

Day 87- 87 days since I last put that crap in my mouth. Overall, I feel pretty good. Sure, there are good days and bad days, but that’s life in general. It’s nice not to have to plan my movement out around dipping. I was always ninja/closet dipping. It is very isolating. You also tend to lie a lot. For me, it was not about getting caught, but rather being embarrassed by this addiction I had gotten in to. I was ashamed of it and wanted it all at the same time. I remember one night, a couple of years ago, very vividly. My wife and I had some friends over. A couple that was our age. They were very good friends with us. They had helped us through a very tough time in our marriage without judgment. They were rock solid friends. On this night, we were all just hanging out. As per usual, when I couldn’t be dipping, I would fall asleep in my recliner. My buddy wanted to try and scare me. He grabbed my ankle. Well, that’s where my can was, it n my sock. He didn’t say anything, at least not then. He emailed me later asking me what it was and that he was concerned that it was a can because he had seen that tactic when he was in the navy. Of course, I lied. I made up some BS story that it was a pain relieving bracelet. He dropped it cause he had no reason to think I would lie to him. In the moment, you don’t think about anything except preservation. Flash forward to now. I’ve gotten rid of it, freed. Except for one thing. I never did make it right with my buddy. I got a call 3 nights ago that he had a massive heart attack at work and died instantly. He was my age, 40. I’m left with a hole in me because he was such a great dude. Always laughing and giggling. Always looking for the best in people. But also cause I didn’t make it right with him. I never told him the truth. That’s something I have to live with. A choice I made. To my buddy...I am sorry. I can promise this one thing though. No more lies, no matter what happens. Good, bad or what. No more lies. It’s also been freeing to be honest with all of you. Never again will I go down that road. I lost a good friend. I’ve also gained a bunch of friends in here. Just want to say...for those you care about, make sure they know. We never know when our last moment will be. Secondly...live like it’s your last day, everyday. This has been a long post, I know. I needed this. To remind me of where I’ve been and what I’ve done, but also of where I’m headed.

[Rick Jr]

Brother, you are an ass kicking Brother! Thank you for all you have done, I'm Proud and Honored to call you a Brother

[Gunnar]

You are the man Dawgs. You have a great heart, as seen by your posts in July....proud as hell to quit with you.  Stay strong and you got my digits if you need anything!

Gunnar 56