My story starts in May 1998. I was in middle school and threw in my first chew on a bus with my teammates as we came home from an away game, celebrating the victory. I had that chew in for about 15 seconds before I almost threw up all over the bus. I took it out and tossed it out the window, put my head between my knees, and recovered.
I didnÂ’t touch chew again until December 2007. A friend offered me a chew and out of boredom I decided to try it out, even though I remembered how shitty it was back in Â’98. I took a tiny pinch, knowing that if I was going to enjoy it I should start small. That was the pinch I wish I could take back. I have thought about that moment many times in the last 7 years.
In 2008 and 2009 I didn’t chew frequently – a couple times a month - but I was forming a habit. In 2010 and 2011 I started chewing every week. In 2012 and 2013 I was chewing just about every day.
Since 2012 I have tried to quit by myself maybe a dozen times. I have never sought out a support group, and never “wanted to” really quit. My attempts to quit would last anywhere from a day to a few weeks at most (with one exception of quitting for 4 months in Jan 2013 – April 2013), but my mind would allow me to fall back into the habit because “I had been good” and “was chewing less, so it would be OK if I did it a only a little bit because that was still less than what I had been doing.”
At different times I lied to my friends, family, and wife about my habit. I would wake up early before my wife to have a morning chew with coffee sometimes. I would wait for my wife to run errands to sneak a dip. I would try to quit and throw out a half full tin just to find myself digging through the trash can an hour later to have another chew. The size of my dips kept getting bigger too. I got to the point in these last few weeks where I could only get about 4 dips out of a tin because I was throwing in such big lips. It is disgusting and I am ashamed of it.
I know that if I don’t stop, I’m going to get cancer. I have read about Tony Gwynn and Curt Schilling and don’t want to end up like those guys. I am thankful for everything I have in my life that I could potentially lose – great job, great family. I need to stop and re-wire my brain to 1) realize that it is not an option and I need to stop 2) actually stop for good. I know it is going to be hard. I am most worried that I don’t feel as if I have hit a “rock bottom” point yet, and that I may not be strong enough to re-wire my brain unless I have a “rock bottom” experience.
My triggers for craving a dip is anytime I am alone, stress from my work, whenever I am fishing/camping, watching sports on TV, and drinking beers. I use JakeÂ’s Mint Chew now and have decided to always have a tin of that on me at all times that I can go to when I start to find myself craving a tobacco chew.
Looking forward to learning from you all. Thanks for your support.
