Dirty 30 day
Well a month of being quit. How do I feel?
I feel like shit and it feels GREAT!
Embracing the suck.
March 14th was a day I was thinking about quitting. It wasnÂ’t planed I was just committed at 2:00 to trash the poison. I havenÂ’t had any nicotine since.
The first 10 days was like breaking up with a girlfriend. The next 10 days I was full of hatred to nicotine and anyone who promotes it. Then the roaring 20Â’s hit.
I tried to convince myself over and over that I was going to feel better. That getting the poison out of my brain would be freeing.
Day 28 (The addict resurfaces) Today was a day of reckoning. All of the sudden, I realized that nothing in my life got better from quitting tobacco. My job was the same, finances were the same, my day to day routine and stresses were the same.
I felt awful, bloated and fat. (IÂ’ve gained 12 pounds) My expectations were not being realized. In fact, the way I feel physically is very disappointing.
The Addicted Mindset overtook me. Things were better when you chewed. You handled stress, ate right, and had your “Me” time. You just felt better with dip.
You gave it a shot and look what you got, fatter, boring and you just canÂ’t function. You lost your desires.
Now IÂ’m conflicted. Like a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other.
Angel: “don’t go back on your promise to you, family and KTC brothers”
Devil: “everyone told you it would get better and it hasn’t!”
Angel: “If you cave, after you get your fix, you will feel worse than you do right now”
Devil: “not true, you only promised you'd quit today. No promise tomorrow. When you wake up tomorrow you don’t need post role.”
Angel: “You need to own you’re quit or cave. PM and go into chat and tell brotherhood that you aren’t going to post tomorrow. Ask for permission”
Devil: “You already know what they are going to say. Don’t let people see you’re weak. You’re not week you just realize that you are tired of feeling like shit!”
I realize that I may still be rewiring and the clean mind is battling the addicted mind. I call for helpÂ…and help came!
I already knew what was going to be said. I expected a lot of sales pitches.
What I didnÂ’t expect - How the support made me feel. There was an overflow of support. My friends, who I have never met face to face, took time out of their day, their lives and tried to reason with an addict.
I felt valued, I felt like I was important to the team. I felt loved. I also realized that I valued and loved my fellow addicts. As hard as it is, I canÂ’t be a weak link. That just isnÂ’t in my DNA.
So I decided to post on day 29.
Now on Day 30, still quit and protecting it. I discovered what my fight is.
Life is Life with or without tobacco. It sucks because when things got stressful or tough, I dealt with it by putting poison in my mouth. When I relaxed, I took poison. My mind enjoyed the buzzÂ… I felt like I functioned better with it.
Now I have to function without it. It is new territory so of course it wonÂ’t feel right at the start.
It is hard because I expected my life to be easier. Heck, everyone said it would get easier.
FACT: Life is Life. You have good times and bad times. Tobacco has nothing to do with it. It is just like a security blanket or a way to escape life. As addicts, somewhere in our lives, we liked having a security blanket. So we stopped our progression to cope with life. We just held a blanket.
When I looked at my can of skoal and said, “I’m too old for this shit.” What I was really saying was, “it’s time to grow up.”
When we put down our, “blanket” I think we all regress back to a 5 year old kid realizing that it is time to be a big boy. It hurts because we now have to realize how to go on without our precious blanket.
Those who donÂ’t have a blanket support us for our decision but never really understand the difficulty of needing or wanting a blanket.
So the addict mind has been subdued and now the rational mind is in play. Life is Life. Quitting tobacco doesnÂ’t magically change your life. We are just handling life with a greater maturity now.
We quit because we want to be men.
A kid escapes his problems; A man faces them.
A kid excuses and blames; A man accepts and makes changes.
A kid caves to his addictions and desires; A man keeps himself in control.
A kid wants to be taken care of; A man wants to provide and be self sufficient.
A kid wants his security blanket; A man is secure and offers his security to family.
A kid needs to know his boundaries; A man follows principle but is free.
A kid cries and throws tantrums; A man sees complaining as a waste of time and works on solutions.
A kid allows fear to paralyze him; A man allows fear to motivate him.
A kid hides in weakness; A man stands taller on his knees and accepts support.
A kid gains 12 pounds and says its because he quit tobacco; A man understands that he also stopped eating right and quit going to the gym. A man accepts that he is changing habits. Tobacco didnÂ’t cause him to gain weightÂ…He is the one that chose to quit working out and stuffing his face for a month.
So, at day 30 and at the age of 41. Quitting tobacco is a transformation from childhood to manhood. The pain and hurt that is felt is the journey of saying good bye to the childhood and hello to being a man. It isnÂ’t easy but it is worth it.
That is what I think Embrace the Suck means: Time to Grow up and move on. Life doesnÂ’t magically change but you now donÂ’t need a blanket to function.
I challenge anyone reading this to commit right here and now. When your addicted mind is driving, get on KTC and talk to you teammates. That is a solid tool to protect your quit.
Oh and Fuck tobacco and its promoters! What a dirty waste and lie. I can't wait for tomorrow because I get the privilege to post role again. I embrace the suck and own my life.
