Day 46 Saturday
Why in the hell do I tell my wife how much I hate garage sales and once I year I get roped into have one at my house? Well I am quit so I have to play nice. I thought I would even contribute. "Shelly this banjo is a starter, I paid $300.00 for it. The case I paid $100.00. Sell the set for $100.00 or divide it up $50.00 each. That is a good deal for anyone but It is just collecting dust here. Don't go under $100.00, I could get that much on eBay or more." She asks me to go to the store and get some diet cokes. I come back and the Banjo is gone. "Cool how much did you sell it for." The guy talked me down to $40.00. "For the Banjo?" No, for the banjo and case. "Shelly he is going to sell it on eBay now." Well he was really nice. WHATEVER. GARAGE SALES ARE NOT FUN FOR ME.
It is a beautiful day. Mowing the lawn with my kid. Working hard and it is the second weekend in a row that I didn't feel the need, want or desire to chew. Yardwork used to go hand in hand with the nic slut.
Day 47 Sunday
I can see that I am sailing to 50 days! Get online and order my KTC Hat as my first marker to the HOF. Read in the bible. New Testament 2nd Peter, Chapter 2. Verse 19 - 21. I was thinking about tobacco I replaced pollutions with tobacco and likened it to quitting. I really felt a warning to not cave. Once you gain knowledge, you can never go back to ignorance. But as addicts, most of us will be like dogs returning to his own vomit or a sow, having been washed, returning to wallowing in the Meyer.
More than anything I have to prove that I will not be like a dog or pig. I must stay clear and clean from the poison of tobacco.
I feel stronger and more committed than ever.
I never replaced dipping with anything fake. Maybe that is why I gained so much weight. Thought I would watch the Jazz Spurs game and try sunflowers....What a bunch of shit. Seriously am I a fucking bird de-seading the damn things. I don't have a beak! Mabey shredded beef jerky or carrots but not a fan of sunflower seeds.
Day 48 Monday April 30th.
I had a dream last night. The dream was so vivid. I questioned the reality of it. I'm in a board meeting with Mitt Romeny, he asks me if I want to be there because I was dosing off. I said yes. He told me to go wake up and come back in 5 minutes. I left the room, went into a stall in the bathroom and began to put skoal pouches in my mouth. I went home and I am in bed with pouches in my lip. I hear my wife come. I panic and put the pouches back in the drawer and sit on the bed. She goes straight for my nightstand drawer!!! I try to hold her back but she somehow has the drawer open and holds the can in my face and said, "C'mon Mark!" I really thought you were serious this time. I wept. No words just wept.
When I woke up in the morning, I got ready for work and was in awe of how real that dream was. It had to be a dream because I don't work for Mitt Romney? Is it possible that I don't remember but went to the gas station and got a can???? Is that why it is so real? I went to my drawer afraid to open it...Finally I did and nothing there. I wake up my wife, "Shelly did I get out of bed last night?" She told me no. I said I had a vivid dream about chewing tobacco. She told me to relax that is what I was told on KTC to expect. (Why couldn't it have been a wet dream) That dream really rattled me.
I get into work, I have an email that my CEO wrote over the weekend. Loves and wants me to continue working but can not pay me until we get the final funding. He will give me stock for pay. Its generous but how long can I go or how long will I need to go without a pay check. Is the ship sinking or is it just timing? If it is timing, I just became worth more. If it is sinking, I just screwed myself.
14 yr old kid in our neighborhood was hit by a car. (a couple weeks ago) He was in a coma and more than likely not going to make it. Parents have been up at the hospital so we have been taking turns to feed them. I picked up some Sonny Bryan's BBQ and went to the hospital to offer our care and support.
He is out of a coma. He is more than likely going to live but not the same anymore. A long scar of stitches hold his head together. I can't believe I can be so worried about my career and think I have a trial. What would I do if this was my kid?????
I go work out. Hard. I went from 185 to 210 in my quit. Today I am happy because I am 206. Finally losing weight and not gaining!
My daughter asks me tons of questions about my journey and my addiction. She listens and gives me a big hug and tells me that she loves me. It was nice.
Day 49
I am at work but not productive. Just spending a ton of time on KTC. I am trying to be positive. Reading HOF speeches. (Excellent) emailing, chatting and just killing time. Read someones post who I respect says that they have the blues. I go to save the day and find myself realizing that I am blue too. All I can say is that I relate.
Does God hate me? Is God trying my faith, is Satan tempting me? I may be cynical here but what does it matter? I am free to choose and decide my course no one but me can stay quit or cave. I chose to be quit. If God hates me, I am still quit. If God is trying my faith, I am still quit. If Satan is tempting me, what a waste of time on his/her (Political correctness. Satan could be a fucking bitch!) part...I am quit!
It is getting close to 4:00 today. One hour until I leave work. I will probably go check out chat but with all the fog, funk, ups and downs. You know what....I AM PROUD TO BE QUIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why is this quit different than the past attempts??? First I want to end the cycle. I want to be done and move on. Second, when temptation comes, I expect it and know that all I have to say is, "Not For Me, NOT TODAY" the cravings usually leave as fast as they come now. Also, I have a better understanding of facts. The broken record of quit, start, quit, start, quit, start; can only keep skipping if you start.
I know without a doubt, If I were to cave, inevitably the day would come where I would quit...yet again. The pain of this has been so good for me to never think I want to start over. I only want to go forward. I love writing my thoughts because as I write, I feel the triumph of what I have accomplished!
Tomorrow is 50 days! The journey hasn't been easy but I have enjoyed the new discoveries, challenges, friendships, victories, etc.
I AM QUIT.
What if you lost your job?
What if you lost a child?
What if you lost your wife?
What if you were dying anyway?
Would you regress back to your can of filth and your can of lies?
NO!!!! That is nonsense. That is an out of control, addicted brain that would do that....
The can will not get me a job, bring back a child, wife or make dying any easier.
Tobacco is a crock of evil shit in a can. I don't have any need, reason or excuse to skip my record of life and start over.
I am going Forward!!!! Bring on the Blues, the Fog, the Funk....I am prepared and know it will pass and is only a phase.
Nicotine you are a dumb worthless bitch!