Mthomastherapy

[Wt57]

MT you said to me that I'm too serious. As I read this I'm sad but also laughing with tears in my eyes at the things you said because you are so right! It was harder to be a ninja dipper than it is to be quit. And the rewards of being quit. Where as the guilt and flustration for being a slave to the shit. Your best friend is proud of you, always was and always will be, you are a great son and always was even when you were an ass. Now you are a great father and always will be even when your son might be an ass. That is life! Your quit is such an inspiration to me and hope that I return some of the help to you that you dish out to all of us on a regular basis.

[rgross298]

Day 85

Today is the 6th anniversary of my dads sudden death.  He died in a roll over car accident.  I thought today would be a difficult day since I always mourned and remembered him with a dip in my mouth. 

I expected cravings like no other.  My Dad was a ninja smoker and I was a ninja dipper. So I always thought a dip was kind of a tribute.  I expected the cravings and was preparing for the worst. 


Not So Today, I really had an a ha moment.  All the new and old quitters reading this.  Quitting may be hard, it may take determination and effort. 

Why do I love being quit? The work is rewarding and the burden of my quit is light. 

I compared it to all the work, determination and deception I had to put into getting my nicotine fix. 

It is 10 times harder to be an out of control addict.  It dawned on me.  People think it is just too hard and too taxing to be quit so they cave and dip.  Today, I recalled how hard and taxing it was to dip....

Remembering all your hiding places for tin, the excuses to leave a party, the need to drive to nowhere and dip.  The need to pull over and throw away your bottle of spit before you get home.  The worry of getting caught and having to explain.  Picking up the wrong soda can and drinking your own spittoon of crap.  Staying up late and losing sleep because you can't sleep until you dip.  Opening a can and then forgetting it is opened and packing it to throw it all over the room.  Scrambling to clean it up before anyone sees it all over.  Worrying that it is not clean enough and you may have some evidence overlooked.  Having your wife act strange and wonder if she is on to you dipping.  Making sure that I used my secret debit card so that my 8 and 12 dollar purchases at the gas station didn't raise a red flag when my wife balanced the checking account.  When she was paying bills, worrying that I may have used the wrong card for purchases.  Always covering my tracks and paranoid that I didn't do a good enough job.  Falling asleep with a dip in my mouth and having a chew stain on my pillow case.  Putting it in my car until I could get it washed without anyone noticing.  Living on the edge of getting caught in my lies.  Willing to do whatever it took to dip and pay the price if I got caught.     

Yeah when I think of the life I lived as an out of control addict.  Quitting tobacco is a lighter burden and easy in comparison. I love being quit! 

God Speed dad but I will no longer remember you for our sneaking out to get a nic fix.  I will no longer remember you with a tribute dip.  You are more than that to me.  I will remember you as my father and as my best friend.

You own this stuff. Epic.

To quote your very first post,

I'll go to hell and back for freedom. I'm off to hell, but I'll be back.

You are back, bro. Rock on.

[Mthomas3824]

Day 85

Today is the 6th anniversary of my dads sudden death. He died in a roll over car accident. I thought today would be a difficult day since I always mourned and remembered him with a dip in my mouth.

I expected cravings like no other. My Dad was a ninja smoker and I was a ninja dipper. So I always thought a dip was kind of a tribute. I expected the cravings and was preparing for the worst.


Not So Today, I really had an a ha moment. All the new and old quitters reading this. Quitting may be hard, it may take determination and effort.

Why do I love being quit? The work is rewarding and the burden of my quit is light.

I compared it to all the work, determination and deception I had to put into getting my nicotine fix.

It is 10 times harder to be an out of control addict. It dawned on me. People think it is just too hard and too taxing to be quit so they cave and dip. Today, I recalled how hard and taxing it was to dip....

Remembering all your hiding places for tin, the excuses to leave a party, the need to drive to nowhere and dip. The need to pull over and throw away your bottle of spit before you get home. The worry of getting caught and having to explain. Picking up the wrong soda can and drinking your own spittoon of crap. Staying up late and losing sleep because you can't sleep until you dip. Opening a can and then forgetting it is opened and packing it to throw it all over the room. Scrambling to clean it up before anyone sees it all over. Worrying that it is not clean enough and you may have some evidence overlooked. Having your wife act strange and wonder if she is on to you dipping. Making sure that I used my secret debit card so that my 8 and 12 dollar purchases at the gas station didn't raise a red flag when my wife balanced the checking account. When she was paying bills, worrying that I may have used the wrong card for purchases. Always covering my tracks and paranoid that I didn't do a good enough job. Falling asleep with a dip in my mouth and having a chew stain on my pillow case. Putting it in my car until I could get it washed without anyone noticing. Living on the edge of getting caught in my lies. Willing to do whatever it took to dip and pay the price if I got caught.

Yeah when I think of the life I lived as an out of control addict. Quitting tobacco is a lighter burden and easy in comparison. I love being quit!

God Speed dad but I will no longer remember you for our sneaking out to get a nic fix. I will no longer remember you with a tribute dip. You are more than that to me. I will remember you as my father and as my best friend.

[rgross298]

I was at the gas station filled up my tank, went inside to get a diet coke.  While waiting in line, behind the counter is a wall of tins.  So many varieties…my mouth starts to salivate and I can see myself ordering a can.

Great story.

Any you guys ever look at that wall 'o tins now and fantasize pulling out your .45 or a Mossberg for a little close-in target practice? I can see it in slow-motion, Matrix-style, with debris everywhere and the counter clerks diving for cover . . .

[Suck-It]

That a boy!!! Kicking the shit out of the nic bitch. You are strong - stronger than you give yourself credit. It is great to hear you say that KTC and the brotherhood helped save your quit that day because I have had several days where your posts, pm's, texts, and phone calls have saved mine. The brotherhood is strong and getting stronger everyday.

Great job - very proud to be quit with you.

[Wt57]

You are a winner all the way around. As far as the 17 yr old, mostly his actions are typical teenage boy shit!!

" behind the counter is a wall of tins. So many varietiesÂ…my mouth starts to salivate" I really don't think you thought that long about buying a can. I know you to well your thoughts might have drifted for a minute but you love your new found freedom to much. I think that all of us have been there, and those thoughts are getting shorter all of the time., and that promise to these total strangers makes the difference. ( I still don't understand that)

We can all look at that scoreboard every morning and see that we have won another day. Instead of the total losers we used to be now we are winners everyday. I'm proud of you, all the other KTC brothers and I'm proud of myself everyday. (that is really something new)

Your words always lift me up!

[Grizzly25]

Day 74 – 83
On Memorial Day, my son, (17 yr old) and I had it out. Here is a kid that lives off the dole. Everything he has, I have provided to him. All I wanted was a little respect in my house. He wasnÂ’t giving it and was just being a dink. So I blew my top.
His comment to me was, “Are you having a nic rage?” Because of that comment, my cravings intensified. I had thoughts like, “If I’m going to be accused of it, I might as well be doing it.” I also had thoughts like, “with a son like this, I need nicotine to keep me from killing him.”

I was at the gas station filled up my tank, went inside to get a diet coke. While waiting in line, behind the counter is a wall of tins. So many varietiesÂ…my mouth starts to salivate and I can see myself ordering a can.

While making my mind up about getting a can of chew, my friends and family enter my mind. I posted roll? Am I a man of my word? Suddenly, I realize that just one is going to suck. I will have to eat crow. I will look like an idiot with all my tough talk to throw in the towel now. It isnÂ’t worth it. My quit instantly becomes solid again!
Why would I go this many days to piss it away? For what? What does the tobacco industry give me???

One minute, I hate my promise and vow for the day. “Screw KTC and my new brothers. How did I get myself in this dilemma?” Then, in a moment, I am so glad and honored that I post roll every day. I can do this, I can quit for good. I don’t want anything to do with the tobacco industry. What a dirty business and a sham. Talk about snake oil.

My son can ask me if I am nic raging, it doesnÂ’t matter, I quit.
Why do I post roll every day? Because it is a simple way to keep my quit protected. My mind wonÂ’t always be sound and clear in thoughts. That post, that simple promise, gives me the opportunity to pause and think about the choice of caving. I have to weigh it out in my mind. So impulsive thinking is paused long enough to allow logic and reason to intervene.

I may curse KTC and the brotherhood at times but it is always followed up with, “Thanks for being there with me.”

So now into my 83rd day of this, I am still undefeated!!! I couldnÂ’t have sported a record like this without a great coaching staff (KTC and the brotherhood) To my dirty nicotine addictionÂ…Scoreboard!




LetÂ’s all win our matches today!

I say great job of letting the little KTC voices keep you from buying the can brother!!!

I had often times refered to my cans of Grizzly as my medicine, as far as the medicine to keep from killing some of the idiots around me.....sorry to say but family included.....

Well I say now that I have become more tolerant of some of the dumb shit and the comments like the one your son made are great medicine for quit! That is yet another reminder of the struggle to get this far.

Some times people even those closest to us will make those comments and strangely they can and usually are accurate now does that make it easier to hear....NOPE!!!!!

Just know this your quit is strong and know that he sees that, it should all be good by now there is usually nothing more than the hope of a stinging smack for statement like that even from your son.

Now keep on kicking nicotene's ass one great day at a time!!!

...also your son was probably just giving you some shit and testing the waters so to speak ;)

[Mthomas3824]

Day 74 – 83
On Memorial Day, my son, (17 yr old) and I had it out. Here is a kid that lives off the dole. Everything he has, I have provided to him. All I wanted was a little respect in my house. He wasnÂ’t giving it and was just being a dink. So I blew my top.
His comment to me was, “Are you having a nic rage?” Because of that comment, my cravings intensified. I had thoughts like, “If I’m going to be accused of it, I might as well be doing it.” I also had thoughts like, “with a son like this, I need nicotine to keep me from killing him.”

I was at the gas station filled up my tank, went inside to get a diet coke. While waiting in line, behind the counter is a wall of tins. So many varietiesÂ…my mouth starts to salivate and I can see myself ordering a can.

While making my mind up about getting a can of chew, my friends and family enter my mind. I posted roll? Am I a man of my word? Suddenly, I realize that just one is going to suck. I will have to eat crow. I will look like an idiot with all my tough talk to throw in the towel now. It isnÂ’t worth it. My quit instantly becomes solid again!
Why would I go this many days to piss it away? For what? What does the tobacco industry give me???

One minute, I hate my promise and vow for the day. “Screw KTC and my new brothers. How did I get myself in this dilemma?” Then, in a moment, I am so glad and honored that I post roll every day. I can do this, I can quit for good. I don’t want anything to do with the tobacco industry. What a dirty business and a sham. Talk about snake oil.

My son can ask me if I am nic raging, it doesnÂ’t matter, I quit.
Why do I post roll every day? Because it is a simple way to keep my quit protected. My mind wonÂ’t always be sound and clear in thoughts. That post, that simple promise, gives me the opportunity to pause and think about the choice of caving. I have to weigh it out in my mind. So impulsive thinking is paused long enough to allow logic and reason to intervene.

I may curse KTC and the brotherhood at times but it is always followed up with, “Thanks for being there with me.”

So now into my 83rd day of this, I am still undefeated!!! I couldnÂ’t have sported a record like this without a great coaching staff (KTC and the brotherhood) To my dirty nicotine addictionÂ…Scoreboard!




LetÂ’s all win our matches today!

[raiderx]

I am with you MT - quit on brother

[DennyX]

MThomas.. You are one strong dude!  I love your thoughts and comments.  I've told you before that I believe that the rewiring process is possibly harder than quitting nicotine, at least it seems that way to me.  Just so many years have passed that we've lived with nicotine in our systems to be without it is just so foreign.  Most of us have never known even a portion of our adult life without nicotine.  The rewiring takes effort like quitting nicotine takes effort.  It isn't a passive process.

I agree with that wt, it was one of the hardest things for me to discover and truly embrace in my quit. The hardest thing for me about quitting wasn't not using nicotine. It was the rewiring process. Learning how to mow the lawn, how to clean my car, heck how to be home alone and not dip. I had to learn how a man deals with emotions. He doesn't run to a can and finger bang it till he's dizzy. That's BS. That whole rewiring process scared the crap out of me. It opened my eyes to the power of that poison. It cemented my resolve to fight everything nicotine related until the day I die. I hate it with every fiber of my body. Nicotine did just fine, hiding in the shadows of my life but those days are over. I have the power, I will make my own decisions. Damn it feels good to be quit. Damn it feels good to read awesome threads like this and so many others here at KTC every night.

[Buddy Mac]

Day 66 - 73

My Addicted Mind Takes me back to being foggy and funky!!!

I let some days go by because I wanted my journal entry to be positive. As I got thinking today. This journey should be about the reality of quitting tobacco.
The last few days have been difficult. Not in abstaining from nicotine. I haven't desired to cave. It has been a battle with my attitude. I feel like I went back to feeling like I did in my 20's. I have been so foggy and funky!

One day turned into two then into today being about 8 days. Seems like I have been in a funk for a long time. I have tried to will myself out of it. Yesterday, I felt good but when I went on KTC, I found that I was more agitated. I got off the site and just started freaking out.

Got a voice-mail from Suck-it, talked to Stitch and WT. Talked about it. I don't know if misery loves company, but it seems like a lot of us are experiencing the same thing at the same time. For some reason even though I hate the feelings I have, it was comforting to have brothers feeling the same thing.

So this is where I am at today. I don't have one shred, not one bit of empathy, sympathy or compassion for Nicotine and the tobacco industry. I am disgusted and embarrassed that I gave them any power or authority over me.

I visit youtube and watch these addicts demonstrate how to dip with the towers of tin behind them. They have a damn shrine built to tobacco and to hear them talk and brag about an addiction??? Wow I am so glad I got out of that. I would much rather be foggy or funky, especially knowing that it is temporary than to be an absolute idiot addict that worships a false god and promotes it!

I am quit today. Got some responses from the addicts on youtube. I left a few words of encouragement to quit. They were like this...."Hey, I was really saddened to see your love for chewing tobacco. I have been an addict for 22 years and just quit. I hope you wont have to wait as long as I did to realize that the money, the buzz, the health risk etc aren't worth it. Tobacco, hurt me, it never helped me. You can quit."

The responses I got:

"Fuck You"
"Congratulations on quitting but if you don't want to see addicts, don't watch. I love being addicted. Dip to Win"
"Just another troll trying to hate"

Quitting tobacco allows us to develop and mature. Once we are nicotine free. Our clear minds can rewire. So not being use to it....I think we will be foggy and funky. It sure as hell beats a poisoned mind.

Thank the Lord I am quit!

MThomas

You posts are true gold man. You are an inspiration. I am going to PM you my number, if the fog gets too heavy man I am here if you need it. Thanks for what you do man.

Buddy Mac

[Wt57]

MThomas.. You are one strong dude! I love your thoughts and comments. I've told you before that I believe that the rewiring process is possibly harder than quitting nicotine, at least it seems that way to me. Just so many years have passed that we've lived with nicotine in our systems to be without it is just so foreign. Most of us have never known even a portion of our adult life without nicotine. The rewiring takes effort like quitting nicotine takes effort. It isn't a passive process.

[GBPid]

Mt

Keep writing and keep reaching out. While you fight your fight you continue to motivate me in mine. So know the fog is not only worth it to keep you free from the nic bitch but many others on ktc.

[Grizzly25]

Day 66 - 73

My Addicted Mind Takes me back to being foggy and funky!!!

I let some days go by because I wanted my journal entry to be positive.  As I got thinking today.  This journey should be about the reality of quitting tobacco.
The last few days have been difficult.  Not in abstaining from nicotine.  I haven't desired to cave.  It has been a battle with my attitude.  I feel like I went back to feeling like I did in my 20's.  I have been so foggy and funky!

One day turned into two then into today being about 8 days.  Seems like I have been in a funk for a long time.  I have tried to will myself out of it.  Yesterday, I felt good but when I went on KTC, I found that I was more agitated.  I got off the site and just started freaking out.

Got a voice-mail from Suck-it, talked to Stitch and WT.  Talked about it.  I don't know if misery loves company, but it seems like a lot of us are experiencing the same thing at the same time.  For some reason even though I hate the feelings I have, it was comforting to have brothers feeling the same thing.   

So this is where I am at today.  I don't have one shred, not one bit of empathy, sympathy or compassion for Nicotine and the tobacco industry.  I am disgusted and embarrassed that I gave them any power or authority over me.

I visit youtube and watch these addicts demonstrate how to dip with the towers of tin behind them.  They have a damn shrine built to tobacco and to hear them talk and brag about an addiction???  Wow I am so glad I got out of that.  I would much rather be foggy or funky, especially knowing that it is temporary than to be an absolute idiot addict that worships a false god and promotes it!

I am quit today.  Got some responses from the addicts on youtube.  I left a few words of encouragement to quit.  They were like this...."Hey, I was really saddened to see your love for chewing tobacco.  I have been an addict for 22 years and just quit.  I hope you wont have to wait as long as I did to realize that the money, the buzz, the health risk etc aren't worth it.  Tobacco, hurt me, it never helped me.  You can quit."

The responses I got: 

"Fuck You"
"Congratulations on quitting but if you don't want to see addicts, don't watch.  I love being addicted.  Dip to Win"
"Just another troll trying to hate"

Quitting tobacco allows us to develop and mature.  Once we are nicotine free.  Our clear minds can rewire.  So not being use to it....I think we will be foggy and funky.  It sure as hell beats a poisoned mind. 

Thank the Lord I am quit!

The funk and fog do seem to be worse right about that time and you may even start to have this very down and depressed feeling.....don't lose your determination and resolve to quit!!!!

Those times do pass and eventually you get that great freedom feeling back and its even better and stronger than before, plus you quit resolve will have increased!

I get some days where I feel like crap and well just sort of bite everyones head off and well it happens, sometimes even the best of us have bad days....

I will tell you to keep yourself positive and think positive! That has been my saving grace as well as the best medicine for some of the idiots that on those bad days surround me!

Stay strong in your quit brother, you might not totally realize this but you are kicking nic's ass like there was no tomorrow!
Your giving Nic a Cael Sanderson type ass beating!

QUIT on QUITER!!!!!

[Mthomas3824]

Day 66 - 73

My Addicted Mind Takes me back to being foggy and funky!!!

I let some days go by because I wanted my journal entry to be positive. As I got thinking today. This journey should be about the reality of quitting tobacco.
The last few days have been difficult. Not in abstaining from nicotine. I haven't desired to cave. It has been a battle with my attitude. I feel like I went back to feeling like I did in my 20's. I have been so foggy and funky!

One day turned into two then into today being about 8 days. Seems like I have been in a funk for a long time. I have tried to will myself out of it. Yesterday, I felt good but when I went on KTC, I found that I was more agitated. I got off the site and just started freaking out.

Got a voice-mail from Suck-it, talked to Stitch and WT. Talked about it. I don't know if misery loves company, but it seems like a lot of us are experiencing the same thing at the same time. For some reason even though I hate the feelings I have, it was comforting to have brothers feeling the same thing.

So this is where I am at today. I don't have one shred, not one bit of empathy, sympathy or compassion for Nicotine and the tobacco industry. I am disgusted and embarrassed that I gave them any power or authority over me.

I visit youtube and watch these addicts demonstrate how to dip with the towers of tin behind them. They have a damn shrine built to tobacco and to hear them talk and brag about an addiction??? Wow I am so glad I got out of that. I would much rather be foggy or funky, especially knowing that it is temporary than to be an absolute idiot addict that worships a false god and promotes it!

I am quit today. Got some responses from the addicts on youtube. I left a few words of encouragement to quit. They were like this...."Hey, I was really saddened to see your love for chewing tobacco. I have been an addict for 22 years and just quit. I hope you wont have to wait as long as I did to realize that the money, the buzz, the health risk etc aren't worth it. Tobacco, hurt me, it never helped me. You can quit."

The responses I got:

"Fuck You"
"Congratulations on quitting but if you don't want to see addicts, don't watch. I love being addicted. Dip to Win"
"Just another troll trying to hate"

Quitting tobacco allows us to develop and mature. Once we are nicotine free. Our clear minds can rewire. So not being use to it....I think we will be foggy and funky. It sure as hell beats a poisoned mind.

Thank the Lord I am quit!