Hi! Let me give this using-your-intro-as-a-quit-journal thing a shot.
So, for seemingly no apparent reason, at 3:30 AM tonight I decided to flush the two cans of Smokey Mountain Herbal Snuff I had left. I quit using it at about day 50, transitioning to sugarfree gum instead, but I kept the two cans of fake in my dresser as a backup of sorts in case the mother of all craves hit. But here's the thing: I have had very strong craves sporadically since I stopped using even fake, and not once has my mind gone to "I need my Smokey Mountain RIGHT NOW." Maybe that's what happened. Maybe the logical part of my mind realized there's no use in keeping something around I don't use. Maybe, in an odd way, keeping the fake was working to my detriment just by being there - a connection of sorts to a person I no longer am. A means to mimic a thing I no longer partake in, and in fact, hate.
Now, this isn't a "I'm above using fake" thing, or a "the people using fake are wrong" thing or even a "fake dip is bad" thing. On the contrary, I was NOT above using fake dip, and I actively recommend it to ANYONE who has quit dipping but still misses the ritual of spitting, packing a can, or whatever else. What I'm saying is that I feel I've personally turned a corner. I no longer desire the ritual of spitting brown goo into a bottle, even if said goo is only corn silk and food dye. I can't explain it, but I suddenly felt a strong resentment towards my cans of fake not for what they were, but what they reminded me of. I didn't even want to look at the cans themselves, so I also threw a half-full garbage bag with the empty cans into my apartment's dumpster. And when I was handling the cans, I held them with my thumb and forefinger, arm outstretched - the same way someone would hold a leaking bag of fresh dog shit. No lie. I am realizing that keeping those cans of fake around was causing me stress and making an already difficult thing much harder. I don't need reminded of dip every time I open that drawer. In fact, I don't want anything that even LOOKS like a can of the real shit in my home.
I can't explain what compelled me to do this tonight/this morning, but I feel a truer, greater sense of freedom now. I feel liberated. Not complacent. Not cured. Not immune to craves. And make no mistake, this changes nothing with regards to the formula to stay quit or my routine. I will still be here every day making an ass of myself on the boards and in chat, and posting my daily promise. My guard has not lowered in the slightest. But I feel I have definitely distanced myself even further from tobacco in a tangible, meaningful way. Perhaps this is the "closing the door" moment people on the site talk about. Or, perhaps it was how the process of using fake dip is supposed to play itself out. After all, most companies who make the stuff tell you that the day comes when you totally lose interest in it. Whatever it is, it feels fucking good, and I credit you, the good people of KTC, with helping me to achieve it.
- Invader
(Too Long, Didn't Read version: lol i threw stuff away and feel good now).
