I am 41 years old. First dip in the 4th grade. Skoal wintergreen. Got buzzed and liked it. Got it from a kid who was new in town and was "super cool and tough". He was already dipping. Soon, we became friends (he was the best man at my wedding). We quickly moved to copenhagen as it was the best by far. We once stole 39 cents from couch cushions at his aunt's house in Quanah, Texas so we could go buy tobacco. The only thing we could get for 39 cents was a plug of brown mule chewing tobacco. We didn't care, as long as it was tobacco. I continued dipping as much I could get away with it. In 7th grade I got a "real job" plowing for a local farmer. 11 hours a day at $3.35 per hour. Dipping all day. I think that summer is the summer that the nicotine really set the hook. I didn't realize it, but that stuff was already screwing with my life. I dipped as often as I could, but hid it from my parents. That trend continued for 25 years. Dipping and hiding it. From practicallly everyone. My wife knew, but I told her I quit (which I did for a while) and was to weak to tell her I had started again, it was easier to just hide it. Lies, deception, shame, and nicotine. That's what this part of my life has been for a long time. Every can was my last. I quit every Friday, then started again every saturday morning (but only gonna have one on saturday). Then just one monday morning, because, for God's sake its Monday and what kind of dumbass quits on a monday. This pattern continued for 15 years or so. Two kids came along the way and I couldn't quit for them either. All of this has led to a massive amount of self-loathing. I can't stand myself for having done all this.Â
Today. Day 23. It feels different this time, all because of KTC. Got a KTC wrist band yesterday and put it on. I don't think I am going to take it off. Ever. Bury me with it. I feel free (but cautiously free). I am an addict. One day at a time is the only thing that I can do without complete total overload panic I can't do this bullshit. In my future I have: 1) first time in the deer stand without snuff, 2) first long road trip without snuff, 3) First physical inventory at work without snuff, 4) first dove hunt without snuff.....and on and on and on. I find incredible peace in only considering today. somebody on here said will I dip again? I cannot say. Will I dip today? I will not.
That's all I am willing to consider is today. Day 23. No dip today.
Thanks to the people who put this site together. I really feel it has saved me from a lifetime of self loathing. Sorry so long for an intro but damn this site is changing my life and i ain't so good at organizing these thoughts. they just keep pouring out.Â
rangy96 (steve)
Truly Outstanding!!!
We all have similiar stories and can all appreciate how changing your life is a long process, stay quit and be on here often drink a ton of water and really dive into your QUIT you will truly enjoy the results!
PM me if you need some numbers or just a friend to vent to.
Grizzly25......33 days and counting
Okay, so here is my story. When I was in high school, I wrestled varsity for three years. I was small to start but as I grew, I tried to keep my weight down to be competitive. I usually was a pound or two heavy the day before weigh in. A simple trick to loose weight, spit all day long. One day, I was so sick of the jolly ranchers. My tongue was cut up, I was hungry and I couldn't salivate. One of my teammates told me that if I needed saliva, to put this in my mouth. At first, I didn't know if I was sick or if I liked the buzzy, dizzy feeling but man could I spit and make weight!!! (I wasn't thinking about food either)
I married my high school sweetheart a few years later and knew she didn't approve. Hell, she didn't even know about my on and off again habit. I kept that from her, my family, church members, really it was my private pleasure and I actually liked doing something that was all about me and no one else was a part of it.
In business, I discovered people I worked with were just like me. I would go golfing and notice a friend fooling around with his golf bag. Hey, I do that when I dip, sure enough, he was getting a dip too. It soon turned from a private pleasure to an underground group of friends where is was welcome, and fun.
One day, my wife called me. She said, "I have some great news!" I asked what it was. She begins to say that she was putting a load of laundry in and thought to check the pockets of my shorts. (I thought she was going to say that she found some cash.) To my shock, she said, "I found your apple skoal and didn't wash it." I was actually scared. I froze, didn't know what to say. I imagine that would be the same feeling I would have if I was cheating on her. We talked and I told her that I would quit.
Another time, my son found a can I hid in the entertainment center. My kids were devastated. I decided right then that it wasn't worth the embarrassment or the shame I feel...so I'm done. If for no other reason, I love my family and this is not good. "Dad, you're my hero, you could die." Broke my heart. Isn't that reason to quit right then and there? What kind of example am I. Even if it is hidden, do I lead my children by example or word? I want to claim both.
Fast forward to the time my son wanted to come with me to the gas station...I sent him out to the car. "Hey, will you see if I left my keys in the car" While I was quickly trying to get a can, I saw him walking in. I told the attendant, "Hide it, put it down!" She realized I didn't want my son to see. I thought I got away with it. I didn't buy it and he didn't know. Well, he told his mom that he thought I bought some tobacco so here we go again.
Now they don't even ask me if I am chewing, they just assume that I am. I know that I can't quit for them but only for me. I have lived my life that being selfish is wrong. However, I am being selfish because only I can quit...for me and no one else. I started doing this from an individual sport and now I can only quit as an individual with support. I am a man of my word, but chewing tobacco has made me a hypocrite. I don't want the added expense or the lower integrity in my life. I like to be alone but I think that is false. I like to spend time with a plant more than my family and friends who would judge me.
Why does this take precedence over what I care most about? If you asked me what is most important to me, skoal mint pouches wouldn't even come up in the conversation. If you watch my behavior, that wouldn't be the case. The reality is I have put chewing tobacco ahead of God, Family, Friends, Work, Sleep, etc.
I want tobacco to know...I want me to prove that It is no longer important and shouldn't be a part of my life. So I am breaking it off. Time to move on and discover a life tobacco free.
