I keep asking myself WHY.
Why did I start dipping 4 years ago. Was it due to lack of confidence in myself? Was it stress at work? Was it stress at home with two kids? Was it just fun and I didn't give a fuck? I can't remember!
I used to ninja dip at work for the last 4 years. There was nothing better than having a cup of coffee in the morning followed by some Skoal, Cope, or Grizz (I didn't care, just wanted some nic). It was my routine. I'm a money manager and dip for me was a way to relax and keep calm as markets moved up and down. Like a baseball player, it brought me focus or I thought it did. The funny thing was, I never craved it at home, but at work that was always different. People talk about triggers, my trigger was work! Dip in at 6:30am to 4:00pm, except for lunch. When I first started I told myself that I would just do it for a little while. How many lies do we need to tell ourselves to keep our little nic bitch around! Justification, lies, more lies.
I've wasted so many nights thinking about quitting, beating myself over it, and the guilt of hiding it from my family. Can you imagine my wife having no idea of my addiction and one day telling her that I'm going to die from cancer. Sorry I was so selfish, sorry I left you with the kids, sorry kids your dad will not see you grow up, sorry that the guy you counted on checked out early. Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, and I don't even know WHY I dipped in the first place!
This site has help me realize that it doesn't matter WHY I started, but rather that I am an ADDICT!
Day 17 and going strong on my quit! Thank you brothers for your thoughts, struggles, and inspiration. Its been great to hear the many similar stories. Looking forward to the next day of my quit and enjoying life one day and a time.
Raz79
