Time to Grow a Spine

[kneedragger]

Day 98

The first few days of the 90Â’s were really tough for me. I think June 2011 is a pretty upbeat place right now, and itÂ’s been exciting seeing so many guys hit the HOF. But these few tough days in my early 90Â’s reminded me that my fight is not over. It has gotten a hell of a lot better, but itÂ’s definitely not over. Complacency is my biggest enemy and I need to make sure I donÂ’t succumb to her like I have in the past.

These bad days felt a lot like some of the bad days I had earlier in my quit. I was very irritable, turned everything into an argument, passive aggressive, all that childish crap. I was just impossible to be around. The worst was last Monday, day 91 for me. We were on a drive from Richmond, VA back to New York after a long weekend with my wifeÂ’s family and a quick stop in to see an old grad school friend. The day we drove back, I was hung over and tired. We went to bed after 1am, and I got up with my son when he started to stir just before 6am. On the drive back, my wife did a lot of driving so I could attempt to catch up on sleep, but our son was uncharacteristically difficult. He must have sensed my need for sleep, because he would not stop crying. Then there was all the traffic getting through D.CÂ….

So, crying kid, no sleep, throbbing head, loads of trafficÂ…thatÂ’s a bad day for just about anybody. But for me, it amounted to some pretty killer craves. It seemed like some dormant part of my brain came alive and began demanding the type of chemical release it had grown so accustomed to after so many years. I may be getting better and better at suppressing that dormant part of my brain, but itÂ’s not goneÂ…it probably never will be.

Help came from an unexpected place. A couple hours in, my wife turned to me and said, “This must be pretty tough for you, huh?” It was amazing how much this helped. Sometimes we just need to feel like someone understands our struggles. Despite all the shit I’ve put my wife through in three attempts at quitting, she’s still trying her best to be empathetic. I suddenly felt like she was there to help me get through it - made all the difference in the world.

The day after we got back, she sent an invite to my work calendar for Wednesday night, June 22nd. All the invite said was “Celebrate 100”. I never told her what my HOF date was. Guess she was paying more attention than I thought. Hard to imagine since she’s been on the receiving end of most of my bad moods. I’m a lucky, lucky man.

-KD

[kneedragger]

Day 87 - How big is 100?

I usually work out at a gym where our coach determines the daily workouts. All I have to do is show up, get the crap beat out of me, shower and go to work. But, recently I spent a long weekend in Mexico. I was only there for four days, but I wanted to get at least a couple workouts in while I was there. The gym at the hotel kinda sucked, so I tried to put together a workout that wouldnÂ’t require a whole lot of equipment. I was inspired by my fellow June 2011 Legends, many of whom have reached or are fast approaching the HOF. So I put together an HOFÂ’erÂ’s workout to make me appreciate how big a number 100 is. The hotel gym had a treadmill that showed distance in hundredths of a mile, so I was able to incorporate running into the workout of one hundreds. This is how it went:

Run 1 mile
100 push-ups
100 squats
100 sit-ups
Run 1 mile

In theory, all of this was meant to be done as fast as possible. The treadmill messes that up a little, but I wanted to watch it count to 100, so I did the workout inside instead of running outdoors. For the first mile, I set the treadmill at 9mph. But for the last mile, I had to slow it down to 8mph and eventually down to 7mph so I could finish without throwing up on the nice clean treadmill.

So what’s the answer to the question, “how big a number is 100?” The answer is, of course...it depends. It depends entirely on what you’re doing. I can tell you for certain that the last mile was a hell of a lot harder than the first mile. And the sit-ups were a hell of a lot harder than the push-ups. But none of this was nearly as hard as quitting a 25 year old addiction to the perfect drug. It’s amazing how easy it is to forget, but for many of us (myself included), quitting this addiction is literally the hardest thing we’ve ever done…ever. And when I’m reminded of that fact, I get really fuckin’ stoked about what a HUGE number 100 is. Just fuckin’ HUGE. And then I swell with more than a little bit of pride at how many badass quittin’ legends from June 2011 are approaching this amazing milestone.

Take pride my brothers. While we all realize this is just a stop on our journey, the HOF is still an admirable accomplishment. You guys are just fuckinÂ’ awesome, so be sure to celebrate. IÂ’m proud to be quit with you.

-KD out

[Radman]

Day 85 - Turning 37

I celebrated my 37th birthday yesterday by making a classic rookie mistake.  I was travelling home from Mexico, so I had to post roll call from my blackberry, which always sucks.  As I was fumbling around trying to get my roll posted, I had a thought.  It occurred to me that this could be my first year nicotine free in 25 years.  That realization felt a little like this:

(A little bit of excitement),
(Excitement building) - wow a whole year without nicotineÂ…that would be amazing
(Really excited) - holy shit, I havenÂ’t done that inÂ…fuckÂ…has it really been 25 years?
(A little less excitedÂ…slight anxiety)
(A little more anxiety) - shit, a year is a long time
(A lot more anxiety) – how am I supposed to stay quit for a whole year when I’ve been an addict for 25 years?
(anxiety, starting to feel a little bit hopeless) – what makes me think I can beat a 25 year old…blah…blah…blah

StopÂ…stopÂ…stopÂ…take a deep fuckinÂ’ breath and get your head right

All I have to worry about is today.  I promise not to use nicotine TODAY and to support my June 11 brothers in their legendary quits TODAY.   Fuck staying quit for a year.  One day at a time.  Post, keep your word, repeat.  Stay strong brothers and congratulations to all our June 11 HOF’ers.

-KD

one day at a time......
that is the way we quit..
awesome job....
TCOPE

Thanks, brother. I'm following your lead this time...

Well played, kd. Well played, indeed.

[GTFAN]

This is some very inspirational reading for a new quitter. Thank you for the glimpse into your life/quit.

[kneedragger]

Day 85 - Turning 37

I celebrated my 37th birthday yesterday by making a classic rookie mistake.  I was travelling home from Mexico, so I had to post roll call from my blackberry, which always sucks.  As I was fumbling around trying to get my roll posted, I had a thought.  It occurred to me that this could be my first year nicotine free in 25 years.  That realization felt a little like this:

(A little bit of excitement),
(Excitement building) - wow a whole year without nicotineÂ…that would be amazing
(Really excited) - holy shit, I havenÂ’t done that inÂ…fuckÂ…has it really been 25 years?
(A little less excitedÂ…slight anxiety)
(A little more anxiety) - shit, a year is a long time
(A lot more anxiety) – how am I supposed to stay quit for a whole year when I’ve been an addict for 25 years?
(anxiety, starting to feel a little bit hopeless) – what makes me think I can beat a 25 year old…blah…blah…blah

StopÂ…stopÂ…stopÂ…take a deep fuckinÂ’ breath and get your head right

All I have to worry about is today.  I promise not to use nicotine TODAY and to support my June 11 brothers in their legendary quits TODAY.  Fuck staying quit for a year.  One day at a time.  Post, keep your word, repeat.  Stay strong brothers and congratulations to all our June 11 HOF’ers.

-KD

one day at a time......
that is the way we quit..
awesome job....
TCOPE

Thanks, brother. I'm following your lead this time...

[RAZD611]

Day 85 - Turning 37

I celebrated my 37th birthday yesterday by making a classic rookie mistake.  I was travelling home from Mexico, so I had to post roll call from my blackberry, which always sucks.  As I was fumbling around trying to get my roll posted, I had a thought.  It occurred to me that this could be my first year nicotine free in 25 years.  That realization felt a little like this:

(A little bit of excitement),
(Excitement building) - wow a whole year without nicotineÂ…that would be amazing
(Really excited) - holy shit, I havenÂ’t done that inÂ…fuckÂ…has it really been 25 years?
(A little less excitedÂ…slight anxiety)
(A little more anxiety) - shit, a year is a long time
(A lot more anxiety) – how am I supposed to stay quit for a whole year when I’ve been an addict for 25 years?
(anxiety, starting to feel a little bit hopeless) – what makes me think I can beat a 25 year old…blah…blah…blah

StopÂ…stopÂ…stopÂ…take a deep fuckinÂ’ breath and get your head right

All I have to worry about is today.  I promise not to use nicotine TODAY and to support my June 11 brothers in their legendary quits TODAY.  Fuck staying quit for a year.  One day at a time.  Post, keep your word, repeat.  Stay strong brothers and congratulations to all our June 11 HOF’ers.

-KD

one day at a time......
that is the way we quit..
awesome job....
TCOPE

Stay quit today and tomorrow will take care of itself.

[TCOPE]

Day 85 - Turning 37

I celebrated my 37th birthday yesterday by making a classic rookie mistake. I was travelling home from Mexico, so I had to post roll call from my blackberry, which always sucks. As I was fumbling around trying to get my roll posted, I had a thought. It occurred to me that this could be my first year nicotine free in 25 years. That realization felt a little like this:

(A little bit of excitement),
(Excitement building) - wow a whole year without nicotineÂ…that would be amazing
(Really excited) - holy shit, I havenÂ’t done that inÂ…fuckÂ…has it really been 25 years?
(A little less excitedÂ…slight anxiety)
(A little more anxiety) - shit, a year is a long time
(A lot more anxiety) – how am I supposed to stay quit for a whole year when I’ve been an addict for 25 years?
(anxiety, starting to feel a little bit hopeless) – what makes me think I can beat a 25 year old…blah…blah…blah

StopÂ…stopÂ…stopÂ…take a deep fuckinÂ’ breath and get your head right

All I have to worry about is today. I promise not to use nicotine TODAY and to support my June 11 brothers in their legendary quits TODAY. Fuck staying quit for a year. One day at a time. Post, keep your word, repeat. Stay strong brothers and congratulations to all our June 11 HOFÂ’ers.

-KD

one day at a time......
that is the way we quit..
awesome job....
TCOPE

[kneedragger]

Day 85 - Turning 37

I celebrated my 37th birthday yesterday by making a classic rookie mistake. I was travelling home from Mexico, so I had to post roll call from my blackberry, which always sucks. As I was fumbling around trying to get my roll posted, I had a thought. It occurred to me that this could be my first year nicotine free in 25 years. That realization felt a little like this:

(A little bit of excitement),
(Excitement building) - wow a whole year without nicotineÂ…that would be amazing
(Really excited) - holy shit, I havenÂ’t done that inÂ…fuckÂ…has it really been 25 years?
(A little less excitedÂ…slight anxiety)
(A little more anxiety) - shit, a year is a long time
(A lot more anxiety) – how am I supposed to stay quit for a whole year when I’ve been an addict for 25 years?
(anxiety, starting to feel a little bit hopeless) – what makes me think I can beat a 25 year old…blah…blah…blah

StopÂ…stopÂ…stopÂ…take a deep fuckinÂ’ breath and get your head right

All I have to worry about is today. I promise not to use nicotine TODAY and to support my June 11 brothers in their legendary quits TODAY. Fuck staying quit for a year. One day at a time. Post, keep your word, repeat. Stay strong brothers and congratulations to all our June 11 HOFÂ’ers.

-KD

[Souliman]

You're a fighter KD...total champion. Way to go man.

[husker06484]

Day 67
Whooh!  OK, take a deep breath.  Some clouds are lifting.  My world doesn’t seem quite so dark.  Time to take note…we have to record our successes so we can celebrate our progress.  Remembering my successes will help me get through the hard days ahead.  My world has been a roller coaster, which most people would likely consider a bad thing.  But for quitters, it means you’re starting to experience a few good days in the midst of all the bad ones.  We have to celebrate that.  That’s what we’re fighting for.  A roller coaster is an indication of progress.  Unfortunately, that doesn’t make it any less exhausting.  

A couple notable things happened over the last two weeks:

The first is that I found a job.  To be clear, I was never actually out of work.  The company I work for shut down the business I ran last December.  After working to find new homes for all of my employees, I spent the last four months coming to work and sitting alone in a the sea of empty desks that used to be occupied by my team.  It was a difficult psychological challenge to sit there alone without much to do at a time when I was already depressed from my quit.  It became clear that I need to feel productive and to do that, I needed to summon my resolve and climb out of that dark depression.  Somehow, I managed to do it, and I’ve found a new product to develop and to build a team around.  It’s time to get psyched, we’re back in business!

The second is that my relationship with my wife has gotten stronger.  She asked me not too long ago if we could go to couples therapy.  I was crushed when she asked me, and it must have showed because she didn’t bring it up again for a long time.  Eventually, I got to a place where I could realize that she still wanted to go even though she wasn’t pushing it.  I set up the appointment myself and we had a very productive session with the therapist.  My wife is a very strong woman that can handle just about anything, but she can’t handle not knowing what’s going on.  Communication, and the trust that comes with it, surfaced as a major weakness in our relationship that we’ve been working on ever since.  I’ve never felt closer to her.

Finally, there’s exercise.  I’ve always tried to incorporate exercise in my life, but I wanted to do something different in this quit.  The exercise I’d done in the past wasn't sufficient to manage the stress and anxiety that always came with quitting.  I wanted to work out more, but I couldn’t find more time, so it wasn’t sustainable.  Then I found a CrossFit box nearby.  It’s been a real godsend.  Instead of adding time, I’ve added intensity and it’s dramatically reduced my anxiety.  I had to get past the overwhelming nausea of the first few workouts, but now I’m starting to see gains, and it’s ridiculously addictive.  I gotta believe this is what it would feel like to join a fight club.  Just to see what you’re capable of at a very primal level.  It’s just fuckin’ awesome.

I can’t tell you how happy I am to be sharing some good news.  The last two months were a serious challenge for me and there’s no doubt that this community helped me get through it.  Anyone reading this should feel immense pride at being a member of the KTC family.  The way this community changes lives is at once noble, compassionate, severe and unrelenting.  But it works, and I’m grateful.

I’m off to the race track this weekend to celebrate some of these victories.  Stay strong my friends.  Fight through the suck and celebrate your successes.  KD out.

:) Proud to quit with you. Keep up the good work.

Thanks, man. And thanks for looking out for me...

KD.....Man you just made my day when I read this....Its just great to see people getting their life back in order and doing it all while quit....You just made my quit stronger...Thanks for sharing...I hear you on the relationship front very familiar situation.....Stay stron have a great time this weekend

[kneedragger]

Day 67
Whooh!  OK, take a deep breath.  Some clouds are lifting.  My world doesn’t seem quite so dark.  Time to take note…we have to record our successes so we can celebrate our progress.  Remembering my successes will help me get through the hard days ahead.  My world has been a roller coaster, which most people would likely consider a bad thing.  But for quitters, it means you’re starting to experience a few good days in the midst of all the bad ones.  We have to celebrate that.  That’s what we’re fighting for.  A roller coaster is an indication of progress.  Unfortunately, that doesn’t make it any less exhausting. 

A couple notable things happened over the last two weeks:

The first is that I found a job.  To be clear, I was never actually out of work.  The company I work for shut down the business I ran last December.  After working to find new homes for all of my employees, I spent the last four months coming to work and sitting alone in a the sea of empty desks that used to be occupied by my team.  It was a difficult psychological challenge to sit there alone without much to do at a time when I was already depressed from my quit.  It became clear that I need to feel productive and to do that, I needed to summon my resolve and climb out of that dark depression.  Somehow, I managed to do it, and I’ve found a new product to develop and to build a team around.  It’s time to get psyched, we’re back in business!

The second is that my relationship with my wife has gotten stronger.  She asked me not too long ago if we could go to couples therapy.  I was crushed when she asked me, and it must have showed because she didn’t bring it up again for a long time.  Eventually, I got to a place where I could realize that she still wanted to go even though she wasn’t pushing it.  I set up the appointment myself and we had a very productive session with the therapist.  My wife is a very strong woman that can handle just about anything, but she can’t handle not knowing what’s going on.  Communication, and the trust that comes with it, surfaced as a major weakness in our relationship that we’ve been working on ever since.  I’ve never felt closer to her.

Finally, there’s exercise.  I’ve always tried to incorporate exercise in my life, but I wanted to do something different in this quit.  The exercise I’d done in the past wasn't sufficient to manage the stress and anxiety that always came with quitting.  I wanted to work out more, but I couldn’t find more time, so it wasn’t sustainable.  Then I found a CrossFit box nearby.  It’s been a real godsend.  Instead of adding time, I’ve added intensity and it’s dramatically reduced my anxiety.  I had to get past the overwhelming nausea of the first few workouts, but now I’m starting to see gains, and it’s ridiculously addictive.  I gotta believe this is what it would feel like to join a fight club.  Just to see what you’re capable of at a very primal level.  It’s just fuckin’ awesome.

I can’t tell you how happy I am to be sharing some good news.  The last two months were a serious challenge for me and there’s no doubt that this community helped me get through it.  Anyone reading this should feel immense pride at being a member of the KTC family.  The way this community changes lives is at once noble, compassionate, severe and unrelenting.  But it works, and I’m grateful.

I’m off to the race track this weekend to celebrate some of these victories.  Stay strong my friends.  Fight through the suck and celebrate your successes.  KD out.

:) Proud to quit with you. Keep up the good work.

Thanks, man. And thanks for looking out for me...

[Scowick65]

Day 67
Whooh! OK, take a deep breath. Some clouds are lifting. My world doesnÂ’t seem quite so dark. Time to take noteÂ…we have to record our successes so we can celebrate our progress. Remembering my successes will help me get through the hard days ahead. My world has been a roller coaster, which most people would likely consider a bad thing. But for quitters, it means youÂ’re starting to experience a few good days in the midst of all the bad ones. We have to celebrate that. ThatÂ’s what weÂ’re fighting for. A roller coaster is an indication of progress. Unfortunately, that doesnÂ’t make it any less exhausting.

A couple notable things happened over the last two weeks:

The first is that I found a job. To be clear, I was never actually out of work. The company I work for shut down the business I ran last December. After working to find new homes for all of my employees, I spent the last four months coming to work and sitting alone in a the sea of empty desks that used to be occupied by my team. It was a difficult psychological challenge to sit there alone without much to do at a time when I was already depressed from my quit. It became clear that I need to feel productive and to do that, I needed to summon my resolve and climb out of that dark depression. Somehow, I managed to do it, and IÂ’ve found a new product to develop and to build a team around. ItÂ’s time to get psyched, weÂ’re back in business!

The second is that my relationship with my wife has gotten stronger. She asked me not too long ago if we could go to couples therapy. I was crushed when she asked me, and it must have showed because she didnÂ’t bring it up again for a long time. Eventually, I got to a place where I could realize that she still wanted to go even though she wasnÂ’t pushing it. I set up the appointment myself and we had a very productive session with the therapist. My wife is a very strong woman that can handle just about anything, but she canÂ’t handle not knowing whatÂ’s going on. Communication, and the trust that comes with it, surfaced as a major weakness in our relationship that weÂ’ve been working on ever since. IÂ’ve never felt closer to her.

Finally, thereÂ’s exercise. IÂ’ve always tried to incorporate exercise in my life, but I wanted to do something different in this quit. The exercise IÂ’d done in the past wasn't sufficient to manage the stress and anxiety that always came with quitting. I wanted to work out more, but I couldnÂ’t find more time, so it wasnÂ’t sustainable. Then I found a CrossFit box nearby. ItÂ’s been a real godsend. Instead of adding time, IÂ’ve added intensity and itÂ’s dramatically reduced my anxiety. I had to get past the overwhelming nausea of the first few workouts, but now IÂ’m starting to see gains, and itÂ’s ridiculously addictive. I gotta believe this is what it would feel like to join a fight club. Just to see what youÂ’re capable of at a very primal level. ItÂ’s just fuckinÂ’ awesome.

I canÂ’t tell you how happy I am to be sharing some good news. The last two months were a serious challenge for me and thereÂ’s no doubt that this community helped me get through it. Anyone reading this should feel immense pride at being a member of the KTC family. The way this community changes lives is at once noble, compassionate, severe and unrelenting. But it works, and IÂ’m grateful.

IÂ’m off to the race track this weekend to celebrate some of these victories. Stay strong my friends. Fight through the suck and celebrate your successes. KD out.

:) Proud to quit with you. Keep up the good work.

[kneedragger]

Day 67
Whooh! OK, take a deep breath. Some clouds are lifting. My world doesnÂ’t seem quite so dark. Time to take noteÂ…we have to record our successes so we can celebrate our progress. Remembering my successes will help me get through the hard days ahead. My world has been a roller coaster, which most people would likely consider a bad thing. But for quitters, it means youÂ’re starting to experience a few good days in the midst of all the bad ones. We have to celebrate that. ThatÂ’s what weÂ’re fighting for. A roller coaster is an indication of progress. Unfortunately, that doesnÂ’t make it any less exhausting.

A couple notable things happened over the last two weeks:

The first is that I found a job. To be clear, I was never actually out of work. The company I work for shut down the business I ran last December. After working to find new homes for all of my employees, I spent the last four months coming to work and sitting alone in a the sea of empty desks that used to be occupied by my team. It was a difficult psychological challenge to sit there alone without much to do at a time when I was already depressed from my quit. It became clear that I need to feel productive and to do that, I needed to summon my resolve and climb out of that dark depression. Somehow, I managed to do it, and IÂ’ve found a new product to develop and to build a team around. ItÂ’s time to get psyched, weÂ’re back in business!

The second is that my relationship with my wife has gotten stronger. She asked me not too long ago if we could go to couples therapy. I was crushed when she asked me, and it must have showed because she didnÂ’t bring it up again for a long time. Eventually, I got to a place where I could realize that she still wanted to go even though she wasnÂ’t pushing it. I set up the appointment myself and we had a very productive session with the therapist. My wife is a very strong woman that can handle just about anything, but she canÂ’t handle not knowing whatÂ’s going on. Communication, and the trust that comes with it, surfaced as a major weakness in our relationship that weÂ’ve been working on ever since. IÂ’ve never felt closer to her.

Finally, thereÂ’s exercise. IÂ’ve always tried to incorporate exercise in my life, but I wanted to do something different in this quit. The exercise IÂ’d done in the past wasn't sufficient to manage the stress and anxiety that always came with quitting. I wanted to work out more, but I couldnÂ’t find more time, so it wasnÂ’t sustainable. Then I found a CrossFit box nearby. ItÂ’s been a real godsend. Instead of adding time, IÂ’ve added intensity and itÂ’s dramatically reduced my anxiety. I had to get past the overwhelming nausea of the first few workouts, but now IÂ’m starting to see gains, and itÂ’s ridiculously addictive. I gotta believe this is what it would feel like to join a fight club. Just to see what youÂ’re capable of at a very primal level. ItÂ’s just fuckinÂ’ awesome.

I canÂ’t tell you how happy I am to be sharing some good news. The last two months were a serious challenge for me and thereÂ’s no doubt that this community helped me get through it. Anyone reading this should feel immense pride at being a member of the KTC family. The way this community changes lives is at once noble, compassionate, severe and unrelenting. But it works, and IÂ’m grateful.

IÂ’m off to the race track this weekend to celebrate some of these victories. Stay strong my friends. Fight through the suck and celebrate your successes. KD out.

[Greg5280]

Day 50

Half way to HOF and the battle rages on.  I mean that quite literally, b/c nicotine clearly has quite a bit of fight left in it.  Yesterday was one of the darkest, most negative days I can remember.  It was a bit of a different experience for me.  I’m used to having dip rage, but yesterday was less about rage and more about crushing negativity.  I’ve been doing a bit of writing as a form of introspection lately and I wrote a few things yesterday that give a sense of what I was feeling:

On my job:
“What an odd combination of events that seem custom designed to inflict psychological torture and enhanced feelings of complete worthlessness.”
“I’m a Real Estate guy and we no longer have a Real Estate product, I am officially useless.”
“So, my options are to work on any of the numerous crappy projects that they can’t get anyone else to run while I sneak out for interviews whenever possible.”
“I sit at my desk everyday and continue to be the best paid waste of space in the company.”
“If this keeps up much longer, I’ll be the guy on the roof with a sniper rifle…”

On my marriage:
“I believe we focus on Ryan to avoid dealing with each other.”
“I don’t find our relationship exciting and every time I try to find excitement, I have to justify more time spent away from my family.”
“She doesn’t seem to be passionate about anything.  I don’t know how to support her interests to pay her back for supporting mine.  Or maybe it’s frustrating that she doesn’t seem to need anything while I’m constantly searching for something fulfilling.”

On Wellness:
“I can only logically conclude that from a wellness perspective, I am a complete disaster.”
“I have no concept of what wellness feels like, I’m dissatisfied with everything, I have no ability to manage stress and I have no over-arching spiritual belief system.”

I think you get the point.  Yesterday was tough and seriously depressing.  The best I can describe it is that I was incredibly lonely but also needed to be alone, because I would lash out at anyone near me. 

So I posted all this for the sake of making two points:

1 – Yesterday was day 49 for me.  I find that ironic because the last time I quit, I stopped using the site at day 48 because I didn’t think I needed it anymore.  Yesterday was a stern reminder that I still need the site and that I still have some serious fighting to do.

2 – I’m sure everyone has heard veterans talk about how your quit can get tough, even after you have those first couple of weeks under your belt.  It’s hard to believe because you’re feeling in control for the first time in your life.  You’re convinced that you’ve got it beat this time.  You can’t imagine what nicotine could throw at you that would be harder than those first three days.  Well now you know what it threw at me.  Maybe it will be easier for you, and I hope it is.  But if I can in some small way help you be prepared, then this post was worth it.

KD

I am on day 87 of my quit. The 50's were the worst for me also. I felt absolutely worthless. All I can tell you is that I feel much better now. People who have quit longer than I have might have a better perspective but this is my theory. You are at a time when you are being forced to deal with parts of your life that you were able to ignore while nicotine was running through your system. It is just another part of the healing process. Hang in there. If you need anything PM me.

I had bouts of depression in my quit. For me they were in the 70s. So, my guess is you are just as normal as the rest of us. I had have had only one bout of depression since then and I am at 144. Frankly, I have never felt better and I manage my stress better as well. So, what I am saying is things will likely improve for you. Stay quit. Nicotine solves nothing.

Nicotine solves nothing.

Enough said !! Keep fighting...

[Scowick65]

Day 50

Half way to HOF and the battle rages on.  I mean that quite literally, b/c nicotine clearly has quite a bit of fight left in it.  Yesterday was one of the darkest, most negative days I can remember.  It was a bit of a different experience for me.  I’m used to having dip rage, but yesterday was less about rage and more about crushing negativity.  I’ve been doing a bit of writing as a form of introspection lately and I wrote a few things yesterday that give a sense of what I was feeling:

On my job:
“What an odd combination of events that seem custom designed to inflict psychological torture and enhanced feelings of complete worthlessness.”
“I’m a Real Estate guy and we no longer have a Real Estate product, I am officially useless.”
“So, my options are to work on any of the numerous crappy projects that they can’t get anyone else to run while I sneak out for interviews whenever possible.”
“I sit at my desk everyday and continue to be the best paid waste of space in the company.”
“If this keeps up much longer, I’ll be the guy on the roof with a sniper rifle…”

On my marriage:
“I believe we focus on Ryan to avoid dealing with each other.”
“I don’t find our relationship exciting and every time I try to find excitement, I have to justify more time spent away from my family.”
“She doesn’t seem to be passionate about anything.  I don’t know how to support her interests to pay her back for supporting mine.  Or maybe it’s frustrating that she doesn’t seem to need anything while I’m constantly searching for something fulfilling.”

On Wellness:
“I can only logically conclude that from a wellness perspective, I am a complete disaster.”
“I have no concept of what wellness feels like, I’m dissatisfied with everything, I have no ability to manage stress and I have no over-arching spiritual belief system.”

I think you get the point.  Yesterday was tough and seriously depressing.  The best I can describe it is that I was incredibly lonely but also needed to be alone, because I would lash out at anyone near me. 

So I posted all this for the sake of making two points:

1 – Yesterday was day 49 for me.  I find that ironic because the last time I quit, I stopped using the site at day 48 because I didn’t think I needed it anymore.  Yesterday was a stern reminder that I still need the site and that I still have some serious fighting to do.

2 – I’m sure everyone has heard veterans talk about how your quit can get tough, even after you have those first couple of weeks under your belt.  It’s hard to believe because you’re feeling in control for the first time in your life.  You’re convinced that you’ve got it beat this time.  You can’t imagine what nicotine could throw at you that would be harder than those first three days.  Well now you know what it threw at me.  Maybe it will be easier for you, and I hope it is.  But if I can in some small way help you be prepared, then this post was worth it.

KD

I am on day 87 of my quit. The 50's were the worst for me also. I felt absolutely worthless. All I can tell you is that I feel much better now. People who have quit longer than I have might have a better perspective but this is my theory. You are at a time when you are being forced to deal with parts of your life that you were able to ignore while nicotine was running through your system. It is just another part of the healing process. Hang in there. If you need anything PM me.

I had bouts of depression in my quit. For me they were in the 70s. So, my guess is you are just as normal as the rest of us. I had have had only one bout of depression since then and I am at 144. Frankly, I have never felt better and I manage my stress better as well. So, what I am saying is things will likely improve for you. Stay quit. Nicotine solves nothing.