Great read!
You seem on track. Stay that way.
My only advice that I'd like to add: have a heart to heart with your wife. Tell her what a liar you were. Come clean. Tell her what you're going through now. I think she will be your biggest supporter. You seem like a good man aside from the 38 years of sneaking and lying about tobacco/nicotine.
No more. Congrats.
^^^^ Agreed. I don't know the dynamics of your marriage, but from my experience your wife can be a huge support system. Just remember to be nice to her. In the early days it can be easy to want to take out withdrawal frustration out on a spouse. Use us instead if needed. Its healthier for marriages. We wont take half of your assets.
Grizzlyhasclaws and I'm Done With Chew. Morning guys. Thanks for the thoughtful advice. You both were dead-on accurate and I'd like to believe that great minds think alike.
One of my own prerequisites to quitting was that I first do exactly as you both suggested, but not only with my wife but also with both my children (both in their teens). Couple of things I learned during my first (and hopefully last) heart to heart with people you've hurt:
1. The people you care about will be your greatest and most ardent supporters, but don't expect any forgiveness or support until you initially prove you're serious about quitting.
2. When you've been lying to someone for a long time, and then all of a sudden say "I'm sorry, that was my last lie", you can't expect that you'll have any credibility whatsoever until you earn it back.
3. Talking honestly and openly about drugs, addiction and your own weaknesses and lack of will power is not only cathartic but instructive. You are teaching your kids to live by example with both humility and determination.
4. You're heart-to-heart is much more meaningful if they see you doing something about it. Watching me embrace KTC and my new life without nicotine, makes them happy.
5. You might think these types of discussions are about you coming clean. Wrong. This is about you taking the punishment you so rightfully deserve (but avoided for years because you were lying) by letting your victims vent. As much as you need to heal by apologizing, they need to heal their wounds by letting you know how you have hurt them and how angry they are with you, and how you better change or else. If you don't have a 2-way discussion where the people you hurt can hurt you back (verbally of course), then it wasn't a successful discussion. And it's your responsibility to keep the discussion cool headed and suck it up by not letting it escalate. YOU caused this. No one else. So take your medicine, earn their trust back and get busy getting quit.
6. Lastly, I promise you, that in a few days (it took 1.5 days for me and my family), after the dust has settled and the cold-shoulders and cooling-off periods have run their course, the people who care about you will be your strongest supporters. And to top it all off, you will have the stress-free feeling that comes with honesty.
Bottom line, you guys both couldn't have given better advice. Re-establishing my integrity with my family is one of my biggest drivers to Quitting success.
