I read a post in Minny's intro that really hit close to home:
"How pathetic is it to spend 15 minutes on a PUBLIC toilet all to "enjoy" a dip? It's so fucking disgusting I can't get my head around it... except that I can, because I've been there. In fact, I've done worse. Digging around in the trash, for starters... skipping out on a Saturday w/ my family to run a phantom chore, bailing on professional gatherings, driving alone when it made no sense, sitting on the john at home for too long... all to serve an addiction that I knew could very likely kill me." - Minny
Every damn word rings true in my former life and it's fucking pathetic. Just thinking about it makes me grow three times larger and turn into a green beast who wants to smash everything. I never want to feel that regret and shame again, especially the way it impacted my wife and daughter... my wife who has no idea I was ninja dipping during our entire seven years of marriage.
In fact, over the last nine days, my wife has got to be wondering why I've been spending so much time at home. What happened to his ritual 8pm "errands?" Why has he been acting strange? Why is he in a fog half the time, father/husband of the year half the time and clearly hiding some anxiety/aggression half the time?
You know what? I turned into a mother fucking loser in recent years - the type of person I would look down on. The thing is, I had no idea. I'd blame it on the chew but I chose to use the chew so it's my fault. If I had known someone like me and the shit that "he" did to himself and his family - I would have disdained him, ignored him, avoided him and pitied the people who depended on and trusted him. That's not because I think I'm better than that person but because I don't have time or space for people like that. I can't believe I wasn't able to see myself from the outside perspective... or maybe I did but completely denied it.
Once upon a time, I strived to be a better person every single day in some little way. Somehow, I forgot about that goal many years ago. But now, that person's back and I've been feeling it strongly at some point during every one of the last nine days since I took my life back. And it's wayyyy different than other times I tried to "quit."
Seeing Minny's post really got my brain working on another level today. Still processing it, in fact. Check out more of his post on page 14 in his intro topic/1010219/14/. While you're at it, go back and read the first few pages of his intro - Minny fought hard and suffered a lot to be where he is today. Respect.
Just a thought....
Have you ever considered telling your wife?
I was a master ninja for 15 years. When I quit and came clean to my wife, it was like an elephant was lifted off my shoulders.
Aside from that...this shits HARD. We are great assets to have but we cannot be with you 24/7. There were times when I felt soooo bad that I broke down into my wife's lap and talked and talked, while she simply listened and reassured me things were going to be okay, I was doing the right thing and she was there to support me. I cannot imagine having to hold that in nor doing this without her support.
I also sat my kids down (7 and 9 at the time) and told them what I had been doing, mainly because I was struggling and they could tell I was "different" but didn't know why. I think they were scared to be honest. They didn't know what chewing was but I told them it was like smoking. They sure as he'll knew what that was. They began to cry, and both asked if I was going to die. I assured them I was ok and was quitting so I wouldn't die. I promised them I would never do it again. They were happy and would actually check up on me and ask how I was feeling and if I was still quit. My son, now 11 still asks me from time to time "Dad, are you still not chewing. I don't want you to die".
You say you are going to strive to be a better person every day, how about coming clean on a 7 year lie to the people you love most?
Yeah. Tell your wife. Get your house in order. Come totally clean. It will be good for you and your quit. Tell her everything. Tell her about your past lies. You'll instantly be a better man and you can let go of your guilt. Trust us.
It took me 300 days to tell my wife the whole truth. She thought I was a recreational chewer. She was shocked. And I felt like, and feel like, the weight of the world was lifted off of me. Was it a hard conversation? Yeah. Wish I had done it earlier. Listen to these guys.
I hear what you're saying. I've been thinking about this a lot. Every day, in fact. You all make great points and I trust your judgement. However, I feel like I would be doing it for selfish reasons. This would make me feel better but it would make her feel worse. This is what I'm wrestling with.
She would support me for sure ( shocked and pissed, yes... but definitely supportive) but I feel it's unfair to dump this on her. She owns a new small business and is nearly buried in stress.
I was thinking of reassessing this at a later date. I'd appreciate your thoughts on this. Thanks for sharing your own personal stories, Diesel and WorkToWin..
Keep in mind that one of the most valuable parts of hanging around a bunch of fellow addicts is that you can count on us to spot bullshit and point it out. You're wrong, True, and I think you're lying to yourself out of either fear, cowardice, or both. The lies and coming clean aren't about her at all. This is allllll about you. It could also be an act of self-preservation on the behalf of your addict self.
Burn the bridge. Torch that motherfucker. Come clean. It will be cathartic, it will strengthen your quit like you wouldn't believe, and it'll be good for your marriage.
"The hardest thing to do and the right thing to do are almost always the same thing."
I don't blame you for bring scared, but spare me the, "I'm not going to tell her for HER" line.
You say it would be unfair to dump this on her. However, it might be more unfair to her if you're moody, angry, full of anxiety, etc...and she can't figure out why. No doubt she will worry about you and maybe even start to wonder if something is wrong with you, or if she's the problem.
Obviously, this is your choice and I'd never tell you what to do, but some things to ponder.
Quit on...
Obviously this delimea isn't new, I've supported other ninja quitters in the past in remaining undercover and I've also encouraged others to come clean. I will say that from my experience telling my wife lead to several great things; first it opened a daily dialogue between us about how my quit was going, I think we had sex every day for 50 or 60 days (her way of taking my mind off dip), and the past 2 years have been the best and most open time in our 34 years of marriage. Your the only one that can decide, sometimes the past deception and lies can only make more problems.
50 or 60 days? God damn WT, you're a damn STALLION!!!
True I just want to weigh in because of the strength of the support around this for you right now. Seriously, the support and guidance of any one of the guys weighing in for you can carry a new quitter to success. I've watched it for over half a year now with them. I'd take the advice of any one of them on this because they know what they are talking about, and because I know how much relief undoing all the lies our addictions lead us to can bring. Muster up your courage and trust these men pulling for you and your success in your new life. They are opening the door to another taste of freedom for you. Step into it, fear and all. If you are not ready they will still support you. But they think you are- I'd go for it. Theyve never steered me wrong, and I think you are in for some amazing relief if you follow their lead this one time. Freedom man- it's yours for the taking- you just have to earn it with courage and perseverance.
You have a great quit going- it's very uplifting to see you working the program here so well. Keep that up regardless of your decision.
Sorry for the holdup - I've been extremely buried at work during an especially busy time (partly because I had been spending so much time on KTC - wouldn't change that tho). I have been keeping up with posting roll in three quit groups every damn day, though. Shit, I even posted twice in August today.
I've been thinking about this thing with my wife and considering your advice. Diesel, WorkToWin, Minny, Wt57, grizzlyhasclaws - I respect and highly value all of your opinions and I'm grateful you were straightforward. I've benefited from your experiences multiple times already and I completely trust you're steering me in the right direction again. This will be the biggest obstacle my wife and I have faced as a couple (we've been very fortunate). Playing out various scenarios in my head, I see the pros and cons. I'm largely leaning toward telling her but not yet. Really, I'm not ready for that. There will never a "perfect time" to do it but I'm flat out not ready right now.
I've been lying to her for seven years. I permanently quit 11 days ago. It's too much for me right now, to confront her now. I'm a fairly sentimental guy but I'm not soft at all. I'm very thick skinned and when I make mistakes, I own up to them and take my lumps. Right now, I'm elated to be quit.
This probably isn't what some of you fellas wanted to hear and I feel like I'm letting you down. That's hard because you've given me support and advice, and I'm grateful for it. Your support has made a real difference in mine and my family's life in just a few days (really amazing if you think about it). I feel a bit like a chump but this "no decision" is right for me right now. You may not agree with it but I hope you'll respect it.
I was just thinking this morning how great leaders aren't great because someone gave them a title. We've all had bosses like that, right? Great leaders emerge at the right time in the right place with the right people. Same thing for teachers. The best teachers in my life were not in school. They were in life. You fellas and other real men and women on this site have been phenomenal leaders and teachers for me at a time when I am really in need (sounds weird to say that I'm in need but you know what I mean). I thank you for that.
